Carlton's Journey To Life

Place your Blogs Here
User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 29 Mar 2017, 20:11

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ng-regret/

Day 550: Erasing Regret

The most interesting thing about regret is how we’ll do things in order for others to regret having done things to us, stating this is why you shouldn’t have done this that or the other to me, and it doesn’t have to be negative in nature, it could be as simple as presenting yourself as something they’re missing out on, in an attempt to get the upper hand in some way or another or get back with them, which rarely works, but if it do, in the long run, you’ll just find yourself back in the same position as before the breakdown and/or miscommunication happened, only for a momentary sense of accomplishment, in which the only thing you really did was accompany your mind right back into the same situation that you were forcefully gifted to get out of.

But in the moment, we’re too effectuated with winning and coming out on top, being that we would like things to be the way they were when the ‘good times’ were rolling, but it’s far beyond that now, where the correction now lies within self to see if you’re still lying to yourself or ready to make a stand, in which case we need to drop the projection of regret, that’s generation this energy build up within and as us and move on to correction and change [Note to Self-].

The words that I see needed to be lived in-stead of regret is acceptance, correction and change, where the acceptance of my participation and placement within the matter is the key to correction, where I then take core-action within myself in getting to the root cause of the way I acted, causing my vindictive personality to perpetuate and add to a conflictive situation, into when and as I see myself…, then living the change.

In realizing that it’s hard times for Self when one wants to get even, eventually stops you from equating yourself equal to and one with the conflict we perpetuate, I mean is it that exciting to cause affliction onto another, not seeing/realizing that we’re afflicting ourselves in the process, turning a blind eye to the regret we’ll experience later in the moment of a mind possession, saying to ourselves that “Ima teach th-EM a lesson”, they’re going to regret doing this to me or leaving me, which in reverse (in this case) is ME-hurt, where every time I think about hurting thEM, someone else, I’m hurting myself, let alone, everytime I think about them/someone else, I’m limiting myself, stopping myself from building with me, getting to know who I really am, without all the self-doubt, self-distrust and self-disempowerment that come with Regret/Regretting.

Who am I as regret is but a regurgitated statement of inferiority we stamp on our forehead everytime we fail to realize what has been, happened, and there’s No going back and changing it, therefore regret is useless and really have no place in the forward progress one is trying to achieve in one’s life, it only traps one in a perpetual cycle of wants/needs/desires which in turn stop one from really getting to know oneself enough to expand/grow/develop into our utmost potential.

And most who say I don’t regret a damn thing is a damn lie, being that the hardness shell we put on only works in front of others, but when we’re all alone, we do think about our actions and the things we’ve done to/towards others and experience some form of regret, even if we’re saying to ourselves, “Man that’s fucked up what I did”, and there you go, I mean being easier said than done, why put ourselves in the situations that we would most likely regret having been in in the first place?

That’s why getting to know yourself is essential to how you experience yourself in your world and reality, get to know what are your strengths and weakness, that’s one thing that I didn’t do at first, but left it to chance thinking that I knew myself and ended up falling into a few situations I regretted being in, only in the end having to go back and really learn who I am, what were my strengths and weaknesses.

Prime example, one of my weaknesses was gullibility, believing that others would do what they said they will do, and so by putting my trust in them, I compromised my financial stability a few times that would set me back from doing the things I had to do, and ended up full of regret both times, so in getting to know myself the point of gullibility (as one of my weaknesses) had to be opened up and corrected, that I’m still facing the consequences for the last time I believed in someone’s word, but realizing my self-placement in the matter and how I had regretted putting myself in this situation, I will no longer accept and allow myself to put myself in a position of regretting something I’ve done, out of the “goodness of my heart” again, I mean that statement in itself screams gullibility, so not only do I have to watch out for putting myself in a position of regret through gullibility, but also the statement that lead me into being gullible in the first place, which is ‘The goodness of my heart”.

So, as I am still walking this point within one of my Mind Construct, I’ll leave it to there, But Investigate Desteni to learn about Regret and More.

Thanks for reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 31 Mar 2017, 19:19

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 1-back-cha…mplistically-put/ ‎

Day 551: Back Chat (Simplistically Put)

That little voice that comes up in your head when you don’t have balls enough to say what you really want to, to the person you were talking to, for self-interested reasons such as fear, and/or the snobbish mummer no one can make out, as you turn around with your head down and a sad frown on your face, with your arms crossed after being reprimanded by your parents or a boss, if you’re working.

A fictional belief that a situation may be turning sour, because something just doesn’t seem right, as you’ve recreated a scenario in your mind altering the outcome of something that didn’t happen yet, and thus start having internal conversation/Back Chat in your head about what you see and don’t like, vigorously chewing out the third party that’s Not There, as if they created what you’re seeing.

One by one, as you’ve made a mistake, go into your memory bank and start picking off everyone you know that has done something towards you, claiming if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have done that, as the Chat of blame, instead of shame, meaning “I should be ashamed of myself for doing that, because I know better”, but instead, “Why don’t anything ever happen to them”, WHY ME!

Comparison in fact when seeing someone during your daily travels, on the street, in the shopping mall, at the grocery store, at church or school and even on vacation, as you pass them smiling in their face, while saying in your mind, “I don’t like what they’re wearing, how could they come out the house like that”, “I don’t like the way they look”, “He’s too short” or “She’s not my type”, all in a spit second, in time just enough to create and carry alone with you a few consequence to walk through, while walking the rest of your day.

Should-a/Would-a/Could-a, as a past tense to the situation/interaction we’ve been in, that we believe need a bit of refining, as we secretly speak the extra additives to ourselves in the form of a real-time script, created in and by our minds, while talking to the figment of our imagination that resembles the person we’ve interacted with.

A screen shot of oneself, when looking through the looking glass in our bathrooms, just before we jump into the tub, as we squeeze the love handles on our sides and/or lift up our chest, stating to ourselves, “I’m not good enough”, “I hate this about me” and/or “You’re ugly” in what I see, as an aggressive self-judgment of oneself, into the extreme of wanting to have re-constructive surgery, instead of re-constructing our minds to stop this back chat from coming up.

What if I’m faced with a situation when coming across someone I don’t know that looks threatening, where I’ll have to defend myself? Within the schematics laid out in my head, “If they do this, then I’ll combat that with this and that”, into man I need to take Karate classes (to compensate for the shit my mind brings up) as the preparation to Noting.

Within a rebellious nature, in always having a rebuttal against something or someone is where Back Chat lies within the statement; “But they don’t know what they’re talking about” and “Where did they get that from”, instead of listening to what they’re saying, then investigating the whole truth of the matter for yourself.

Thing is, we believe we directed ourselves into saying these things, because during the one on one conference we just had with ourselves, the minutes of the meeting told us so, so Yes, we believe the voices in my head to be real, to be who we are, and/or that of God as a third party that validates our self-interest, stating God told me so, but [Note to Self-] Back Chat is Not Who We Are, nor is it God telling you anything. Everything that goes on within and as us we create.

The most-simplest form of Back Chat (to me) is fuck you. The most complex form of Back Chat (to me) is fuck me, being that once you realize what back chat is and how it work, you start seeing it at every turn, but be that as it may, have you ever experience the point of talking back to yourself, where you’ll realize something/to do something and the back chat comes up out the blue of; “I know”/”I know what I’m doing”, “So what”, or “And”, where if not checked, you might as well check yourself into a mental institution, because this could really get out of hand, known as the epidemy of you talking to yourself, and answering it. This I have experienced recently on a thought level, where it’s like a form of self-antagonization, because you know exactly what’s going on, but accepting your mind to play a game of Tag with you.

Funny thing is, when it pops up, you end up saying what!! And to me that’s how I know in a way, that I must be doing something correct, because my mind is not accepting the fact that I’m listening to myself, for the first time in my life, so not to antagonize my mind because I know it’s capacity to compound things, but as they come I will correct them.

To be continued…

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 02 Apr 2017, 19:10

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rgiveness/

Day 552: Back Chat (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself in two entities, myself and the voice in my head that I believe acts I the best interest of me, telling me to rebut what I hear from other and/or that I make up in my mind, that causes confusion and conflict in my world and reality, as I see the picture of my thoughts ever so clearly, that make me believe that I’m talking to the person I’ve had an interaction with a while ago, but in the mean-time, when I’m alone with myself Ranting and Raving about what I didn’t say, and/or was too scared to say during the moment of interaction with this person in question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being straight forward in emphasizing the things I would like to say and correcting the way I feel, walk away from an interaction with a chip on my shoulder, to just find myself later on having a conversation with the third-party voice in my head about the way I feel about the person I was interacting with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have come to a conclusion in my mind that a situation may be turning sour, because of a feeling I had of something not seeming right, then start believing the voice in my head telling me this is so, where I then started feeding off of my emotions in chewing out the third party that wasn’t there, as if they created the experience of me in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose a fall guy for the mistakes I make, out of my memory bank of the people that has done something towards me, while accepting the back chat of; “if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have done that”, never wanting to take responsibility for the mistakes I made, then going into; ‘why don’t anything happen to them when they make mistakes”, in the moment not realizing that I made a vow, a commitment to myself to walk my process, so I know better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the point of comparison as the back chat that would come up within and as me when seeing someone, in my daily travels, and have out of envy and judgment, downed the way they look and/or what they were wearing, in order to make me feel better about myself, not realizing that any internal conversations is but a self-check away from manifesting onto myself, that in which I see and talk about other in the confined of my mind.


forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conducted a one on one conversation with the voice in my head as a figment of my imagination resembling a person that I’ve interacted with in my recent past, in not only saying, I should-a/would-a/could-a, but say what I didn’t say, as if this person was directly in my presence, looking me in the eye, then (get this) react to a made up response I assume to receive from this person; when the next time I see them, all is well, because I already had the conversation I wanted to have with them, on my own terms in my mind, like WOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have picked out what I classified as ‘Flaws’ on my body and wished to myself that I didn’t have them, as a form of back chat, claiming why me, as I have conformed to a societal systematic way of looking at things, not realizing the “my body” aspect of things, meaning if I created and programmed me to not like what I see, then I have the ability to correct and change my point of view. No Back Chat Allowed, because it’s All-Owed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trained for the voices in my head that would tell me that I need to defend myself against others, as I agreed with this voice in my head and created schematics in my mind of real time scenario of what if, to do to someone I deemed looks threatening when coming across them, as a way of initiating war plot scenarios on a global level, and because (on a global level) what we’ve created in our mind Never happens, we go and make it happen, through False Flag Operations, because we as a collective is too scared to face ourselves for what comes up in the back of our secret mind. But it all starts with You /Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in a state of mental rebelliousness, where I often time accepted and allowed my mind to sort through information I would receive from others in real time, and in a split second come up with a rebuttal as back chat to what they’re saying, even before they would finish, instead if listening unconditionally to what they’re saying, and then investigating the whole truth of the matter for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of remaining stable in the things I do, fuck with myself in accepting and allowing myself, to experience myself talking back to me, in the moment of realizing something and/or listening to myself assist me into doing something a certain way, where I would then bring up the words, “I know” or “I know what I’m doing”, then become baffled this just happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, as I have then become frustrated, that this frustration is an insinuation for back chat to come up again, so the point of reaction may be the reason I would experience this from time to time, so within that; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the initial thoughts as back chat that talks back to myself to affect me., that would leave a backdoor open for it to happen again.


So, when and as I see myself being a cesspool for back chat to rest, regenerate and come up within and as me, against/towards someone in my world and reality and/or to myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that what I create I exist as, as well as manifest onto myself, although, projected towards others in my mind, doesn’t matter, because I am/have become the initiator of added conflict and consequences onto myself in my world and reality. I commit myself to emptying this cesspool of back chat that’s been lying within and as me and lying to me, in giving me a nudge, as an excuse to Re-Butt against someone in my world, because I didn’t find it within me to say what I wanted to say in their face and so waited and premeditated on what to say and said it in my mind.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to think that this second entity as the voice in my head have my best interest in mind, I stop and breathe, and actually see it as that, one big mind fuck, where I see/realize/understand, that I have for the longest given credence to this voice in my head, in believing it to be everything/everyone from a friend of mine to God and the Gospel, talking to me, that would validate my self-interest, but in turn always found myself left holding a bag of consequences, because I would say/do and act out on what this voice was telling me, so Till here no further will I accept and allowed the voice in my head to direct me into another state of being, but to instead, stay being me, as who I am as life in developing self-trust, that doesn’t come up as a voice in my head, but through the assistance of pain in my body. I commit myself stopping any and all back chat in its tracks and no longer reacting to an IDEA of adding something extra to a previous conversation I had with someone, nor assuming and/or taking things the wrong way from someone, as the mind’s eye would bring it up, but instead to say what I mean in the moment of interact with someone, and to resolve any and all conflictual situations in the moment that it occurred.

The thing about back chat that’s not realized, is that it’s not secret, just because you can’t see the person in front of your face, doesn’t mean they can’t hear you, if we’re all connected (which we are) the mere mention of that person in your mind brings them/they’re beingness into your presence, but because they’re just as blind as we are, we don’t pick up on it, because we’re not standing equal to and one with our physical bodies, but still rummaging through the back chat that comes up in our minds, so a suggestion would be to start walking your process from Consciousness to Awareness as many have, to stop the back chat we exist as, once and for all and HERE’S how. Investigate Desteni.org, to learn who YOU really are.

Thanks for reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 04 Apr 2017, 21:39

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ver-stops/

Day 553: The Start Never Stops

How many times have we carried our troubles over into the next day, just to miss out on what the New day has to offer, where we wake up with a congested head full of thought from the previous day, then end up re-hashing/replaying/re-living the same patterns over again, that opened up a world wind of emotion within us, not once considering that the start never stops. (Let me explain)

I once asked my mother for relationship support for a past failing relationship I was in, some 4 years before I found Desteni and oddly enough she told me something that stuck with me still today, which was; at 12am midnight, everything that happened in your relationship, throughout the previous day, leave in that day and start anew from that point on, which worked for the time being, but later on I found that it was missing one key element, that being how to stop my mind, because although I left what happened the day before, in the day before, these thoughts would still come up in full force, when going to do things and interacting with my partner, where we would eventually end back up in another argument and/or just not talk to one another, while still holding a grudge towards each other, I mean there was no way I knew of (at the time) to release all of this pending, pint up energy that I existed as, so although I followed this as best as I could, it only made matters worse in the long run.

Before that point, you could say that this was essentially the story of my life, not only in relationships, but me in general, where I would carry thoughts/memories/energy experiences/pint up emotions/feeling and pictures etc. into the next day after the next and so on and so forth, like rollover minutes in a cell phone plan, simply diminishing my chance from ever getting to expanding/growing/developing myself into the next level in my life, my utmost potential, so in essence I remained within a cycle of blame, irritation, agitation, gullibility and stagnation, going Nowhere real fast, and the I stayed stuck in this formidable cycle.

I mean you can say that the only things that I ever started over as a constant in my life was Games, video game, basketball games and a self-interested way of reinventing myself into a New character whenever the old one stop working. but as far as giving myself a fresh start every day = “What’s that” and I really hated starting anything of substance (per se) over, which I would later on find is one of the keys to walking my process, giving myself a fresh start, a clean slate.

Then you have the saying; “You only have to do it right once, in most cases is true, but only if you have somewhat of an unobscured view on how things really work, then yeah ok I need to do this that and the other, relating to projects, homework and objective job work that’s been done before, and I’m sure at times frustration ensue, but after going back over things a few times you finally get it and although you may have completed it in a short amount of time, it was still a process, that took repeating until you got it.

When I discovered, through Desteni that one could change oneself through saying/redefining and living words, initially I was baffled, because it was unbelievable, that I could do by myself what I was waiting for a higher power/Jesus, a super power and/or any other power to do for me, which brought up self-doubt as a misnomer within and as me, and like anything, I learned that it takes repetition and constant application to achieve this self-change, that for most part I’ve been looking for, so of course like most, I became overzealous and wanted to tell the people in my world’ about everything, but no one wanted to listen and found myself with a few less friend, but as I continued investigating Desteni and uncovering more things about myself, I started becoming overwhelmed with everything I was learning, simply because coming from a punishment bases society growing up, I learned to punish myself whenever I would do something wrong/make a mistake, in the sense of beating myself up over it, where I would be still stuck on the same point for days and sometimes weeks, which I then learned was self-judgment, claiming how could I keep falling for the same shit everytime, not realizing that it wasn’t me falling for the same shit, but that I would never let the shit go and carry it into the next days and weeks.

And although I have heard the analogy to start each day a new, it really only began to sink in recently, when enough became enough. What I was doing was applying my self-forgiveness on specific points and mistakes I’ve made, but when I would wake up in the morning, there would be this thought hanging over my head, as if to be saying, remember what you did yesterday, where I would then go into the I’m sorry Character, that would drag me down at the start of my day, the spend that rest of the day trying to play catch up, so what I see/realize as points for me to continue to work on is to stop this self-punishment things that I have so engrained within and as me since childhood and the word to be lived in relations to this is unconditionally, meaning I need to let go of yesterdays and what happen within them, After correction unconditionally and Start the next day fresh and Anew, then will I see/realize that the Start never Stops.

Thanks for reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 06 Apr 2017, 20:04

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 4-the-titl…-me-why-me-first/

Day 554: The Title Eludes Me (Why Me First)

Just because someone continue to do what you no longer do, doesn’t give you the right to look down on them, shun them or not interact with them, in any social setting, gathering or form of party etc. A lot of times we find ourselves not wanting to associate with people for the most-frail reasons, meaning there’s no substance to the reason we come up with. Because of what you believe, is one of the more profound excuses that exist, like take religion for instance, where, you’ll hear the saying, “Come as you are”, but then when you get there, no one want’s to be seen talking to you, that is until someone in the higher echelon comes and talk to you, then the rest will join in, like the game monkey see, monkey do.

Then you have the saying, they’re not like us, but what is the us to like, if we don’t accept others for who they are, I mean all it takes is to bring it back to self, to when you were fresh out in the world on your own, not knowing a thing or a face you see, where someone then had to accept you for who you were, and allow you in their world, no matter the starting point in which they accepted you, point is they did.

So how is it that we take this to a point of separation, in limiting ourselves, by saying, ‘No New Friend” lol, when at one point in time we had none and sooner or later it will happen again, simply because we’re not realizing the changing-ability of our mind, where in one moment we think someone is cool, then the next, “Vamoose, you’re wack to me”, where the Ego then steps in with the exclamation point, making you believe you’ve made the right choice/decision to not interact with someone, and will to take it to the grave with you (if you will), although realizing you made the wrong choice/decision.

Same thing applies when someone say something and no one want to be first to respond, but soon after a prominent figure does, in whatever friend group, work group, family group or group etc., all the “Well done(s)”, and “Cool’s” comes in, which brings up the age old analogy; “No one what’s to be seen talking to the new guy” Per se, even if it’s to assist them, funny thing is, I’ve always disliked this sort of non-interaction, I mean I would be the first to talk to someone, because of all the times I was left, feeling like what I had to say was not good enough or cool enough, because whenever I would say something (growing up), I was pushed aside, over talked or told to shut up you don’t know nothing, by older folk, which in a way I then lost my voice, meaning my ability to speak up and say what it is I want to say.

Generally speaking, this form of separation still exist, A lot in our society, where (hypothetically speaking) the Indians still hate Cowboys because they got Spurs on their Boots, where the East and Westcoast people still hate each other, because the Sun Rises and Sets on opposite side of the globe, where all Religions still hate each other, because none of them Ever seen God, where we hate each other because we forgot Who we really are, as such meaningless separation, all starting from, I’ve changed, ‘I don’t do this anymore, but you still do, so I can’t deal with any more” = I’m calling Bullshit, because it’s Bull-Shit, where you step in and get stuck in your own ways and can’t get the stench off of you, because what you’re doing is not best for all, which includes you and me.

The title eludes me because there are plenty of things you can call this non-interaction or selective interaction or in action, failing to take responsibility for oneself and fellow man/woman, I mean why is it that ‘What’ we don’t allow ourselves to see within another person presents an assumption of fear within us, where this unspoken fear has us set in our own ways, when everything we know comes from someone else that we grab onto, and recreate it to suit our interest and call it our own, believing we’ve created it ourselves and if others don’t conform to our mistaken creation, we moonwalk away from them, then slide ourselves in to the next failing relationship.

And the funny part is that we soon forget about the way we treated the other person, so when we do see them after some time, we say things like “Hey how are you doing, haven’t seen you in a why’ll”, as if we’re delusional while the person is standing there looking dumbfounded at you, because they remember Everything, as if it was yesterday, and respond out of shock, like do you not remember the way you treated me a year ago, but don’t say that, as your memory start catching up to you, then Boom it hits you and that’s when you start to moonwalk away, not once taking responsibility for the past matter.

And still we’ll read this and think it’s too many word, but the point still remains, a lot of us have been through this throughout our lives and some on both sides of the coin, where we’ve learned to do this towards other from someone doing it to us, although we don’t have to follow suit. and yes, it’s easier said than done.

Thing is, first off this is unacceptable behavior no matter how you put it, knowing that we’re not only the victims here as well, meaning what I had to realize is that, whenever this would be done unto me, instead of reacting to it – I had to go back within my life and see where I have perpetuated this same separatist action towards someone else in my world and reality, then forgive myself for it in it specificity, investigate the moment I took on this pattern, meaning where did this come from, who did I pick this pattern up from, and fascinatingly enough you may find that you got this from a very close friend or family member, where we took after what we’ve seen them do to someone and used it, because in that moment it was accepted as a cool thing to do (but it’s not), then, once again correct yourself through the application of Self-Forgiveness, for taking on this character and find that it’s no longer done towards you.

Although we each have our own unique way of explaining the things we’ve experienced in our lives, none of this would be possible for me if it wasn’t for Desteni and the Tools of Correction they present, in Self-Honesty, Writing, Self-forgiveness and Self-Corrective/Self-Commitment Statement, which can be found HERE, it has changed my life drastically, where I used to Wallow in problems, I now deal in Solution, as I am still walking my process, this is but an excerpt of a point I’ve walked through and the things I still have to investigate correct and change within and as myself. For most part I am Grateful for the opportunity and Enjoy walking my process, although it’s not a walk in the park, lol.

Thanks for reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 08 Apr 2017, 18:21

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 5-the-titl…self-forgiveness/

Day 555: The Title Eludes Me (Self-Forgiveness)

This is a continuation from the previous post, where I’ll open up more Self-Forgiveness on these point;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from other in the sense of looking down on them, disassociating myself from them, no longer interacting with them and/or shunning them, because the things I used to do, I don’t do any more and they still do, which
is in fact is me still living as a religious ideology where you’re taught to disassociate yourself from those who are non-believer, showing that I am still infected by this limited form of separation instead of accepting a person for who they are and the level they’re at in they’re process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten the big head of sorts, in being the lie that I am more superior than other, because I’ve gotten over a few points that they’re still walking, not realizing that by taking this stance on things, I am no better off than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been judgmental in comparing my process with what other in my world is doing in their life, that are not walking this process from consciousness to awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in a way complained about how others are stuck in their own ways, instead of realizing that by complaining, I too am stuck in my own ways of wanting to change other, without staying focusing on changing me or realizing the time it took me to move forward in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have climbed onboard with a group of friends in my past and believe that others are not like us, instead of realizing, but what is the us to like, if I don’t accept others for who they are, as I was once accepted by another without question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fall into the trap of saying “No New Friends”, when in the end, I found myself without those who I considered would be in my life forever and a day, as the day came when I woke up and found myself alone.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized the changing-ability of my mind, where in one moment I would think someone is cool and in the next “Vamoose you’re wack to me”, where my Ego would then step in as the exclamation point, making me believe that I made the right choice/decision to not interact with them any longer, then later on find that I made the wrong decision, as those who I kept around are no longer around, showing me that I did things in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been quick to respond secondly after someone else responded to what someone has said, out of fear that being the first one, might be the wrong move, if what they said doesn’t go over well with those around/the people in the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the point of being pushed aside and told to “shut up, you didn’t know anything”, by older people in my life growing up, to the point of introverting the voice that I had, that I’m just now getting over, through walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grab onto knowledge and information from others throughout my life and recreated it to suit my interest and called it my own, as if I came up with it, made it up, then presented it to others and when they didn’t accept what I presented to them, I would then move away from them and right into another failing relationship, not realizing that nothing would ever change, because first off the information I was given was faulty, then believing it, and shunning others for not believing in this faulty information I would presenting to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated someone inappropriately in my past, then as time passed by, forgotten about the way I’ve treated them and ran into them someplace, with a smile on my face, saying “How are you”, as they gave me the dumbfounded look, I then start remembering the way I treated them and instead of taking responsibility for my past actions in that moment, I found a way to slowly backing away from them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that “Why Me First”, as I have lived it throughout my life, is not a question asked, but a selfish statement of separation, in saying “Why should I care about other”, then the statement of “Me First”, meaning with no consideration of other beings in my world and reality, instead of realizing the “Why” is an abdication of taking self-responsibility for my actions towards other and/or not wanting to see myself within others, and the “Me First” aspect should be the Me I see within them, in accepting others for who they are, without downing them, shunning them, nor walking away from an interact that could be assistive and supportive to both parties involved.


So, you see the eluded title was a way I accepted my mind to play games with me, to not look deep enough and get to the hidden dimensions of these points that came up as the statements; “Why” and “Me First, that’s why investigation into oneself is utterly important, because it’s easy to overlook things within points that comes up in one’s life, so;


I commit myself to making it a must to always take a deeper look within any point that comes up within and as me, being that in the initial understanding of a point, I’m only scratching the surface, overlooking what lies underneath, and what shows me this, is when the point comes up again in the same context but different dimension, which I then think I’ve done enough on this point, why is it still coming up, so within that I commit myself to double checking and re-checking to see if I left something lingering within a point that I’m walking through and correct it.

Thanks for reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 10 Apr 2017, 19:27

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... -about-me/

Day 556: Let’s Talk About Me

Making a good impression around those you’ve just met is one thing, but when making a good impression is abided with “Let’s talk about me”, changes the dynamics of things, being that I’m-pressing myself to come up with a character to make myself look good in front of others, with the belief that who I am is not good enough and therefore must be altered/changed or added to, as the insinuation of something that I’m not.

Let’s start from the beginning, where parents do this oh so well, allowing there child to have company over to their home, just to invade the mind of the young guest, while claiming that they have the best interest of their child in mind, as some parents want to be seen as the cool Mom or Dad, and other first impression is to be seen as a controller and/or maybe protector, so for those few seconds of introduction, believe it or not, the parents to play the game of; “let’s talk about me”, that comes in the form of Ground Rules, and/or the “carefree” attitude type, stating “Have fun Kid” or “Don’t do what I wouldn’t do”, leaving the company to perceive them (the parent) as something that they’re not on a daily bases, that’s why the majority of the time, once we as the child enter into our own space with our guest, the first things that come out of our mouths is; “Don’t mind them”, meaning get them out of your mind, because they’re not usually like this, adjusting the other kid back to normal.

Rarely do sibling introduce their friends to each other to a point of them conversing with one another, outside of, “This is so and so” and this is my brother/sister”, the exchange of greeting and that’s it, because obviously, that’s our friend and when we (me and my friend) are together = “Let’s talk about me” and not you, which brings up the point of, the center of attention.

Better yet, wanting to be the center of attention, where during Junior High and High School, the most talkative people becomes the center of attention, leaving virtually no room for others to get a word in elsewise, once they have the floor, it’s let’s talk about me, how I feel , how I view things, what I like and don’t like and if you don’t like it, leave, because nobody asked you to come around anyway, which is a lie, but since it’s said in a public domain, those who follow suit , start’s believing the lie they’re hearing and ends up agreeing with the Liar, which creates a Layer of separation between you and the person in question, because you see, within this context, Layer are Lies that we use to coverup and not face the truth of the deception we’ve allowed, by listening to the loud mouth speak about themselves. (There’s one in every group).

We then graduate to showing off in most cases, as we reach Young Adult, to Adulthood, where the prime objective is to create yourself into anyone you would like to be, because the ones who know you most are no longer around, once you decide to leave your home town, as I did, in which I applied the saying of, what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas, to moving away from Flint, Michigan, where what happened in Flint, Michigan stayed there when I left and moved to Hawaii, and now I was able to talk about me in a different way because nobody knew me and I didn’t want them to know how I was raised, so the talk about me, became of what I could do physically and the skills I had, which really wasn’t about me, but another Layer to hide the truth of who I was.

These layer eventually came tumbling down one by one, as I continued creating the next character and then the next, as myself, to keep the talk about me going, funny thing was, now of course I had characters, but what I did while perpetuating these character added up to haven done a lifetime of shit, more than a normal person would go through, but not in a negative way, but in the sense, having been to different places around the world and have done things that people would only dream of doing.

Interesting fact before I found Desteni, was when I was hanging out with a Russian friend of mind in Vegas, where his female friend came in town to the U.S. for the first time in her life, so he invited me to hang out with them at his Pad (Home), so on the way there we were all talking and I started talking about me and some of the things I’ve done, that I at that time though to be a normal conversation, so as we got to his place, I continued talking about stuff that I did, which was for most part true, but eye openly enough at the break point of our conversation, she simply said, hey you’re a cool dude, but you don’t have to talk about yourself so much, you’re cool enough just being you, which was the first time someone ever said something like to me, where in looking at what she said, I pondered there for a moment and was blown away that she was right, like WOW, and there was nothing I could say about it, because although I was telling the truth about things, for that first time I stood outside myself and observed exactly how I had been perpetuating this character of talking about myself for the longest, so from then on, although I caught myself doing this a few more times, I became more aware of when I would talk about myself too much., but the correction didn’t come until later.

To be continued…

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 12 Apr 2017, 20:40

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... t-me-pt-2/

Day 557: Let’s Talk About Me Pt.2

The interesting stories we tell, as the stored memories we exist as, is always the highlight of a conversation when meeting someone New or being introduced to someone New, within that the excitement of meeting someone New, brings out the need to hear what’s being said, so when the attention is given, we tend take advantage of the opportunity in divulging extra added information, in making it seem as if we’ve done more than what we’re claiming or that we we’re a certain way, when in fact it’s not necessarily the case.

A problem of mine is that I am guilty of all that I’ve written on this topic, which screams the lack of self-acceptance, I existed as, but the tricky thing about this point when one hasn’t participated within it for a period of time, is how this point resurfaced for me, as I saw it in hindsight as a test to my resolve, where the other day I was invited to watch the Final Four College Basketball game at a friend of a friends place, so upon arrival, all was well and the introductions was made, but after a while the friend who invited me begin to tell the story of how we met in Hawaii, but putting an extra emphasis on who I was , how cool I was and the status I had in Hawaii, were he had everyone who was there undivided attention, which I then felt this energetic rush creeping up within and as me, as what it seemed that everyone started looking towards me in a way to validate and add to his story, which for most part was true, and instead of keeping it simple and to the point, I fail for it and started talking more about me, which in this day and age in our society is the normal thing to do, but the point is I knew better, being that I’ve walked through this point before, but wasn’t expecting it to come up in this way, lol as if the mind hired my friend to test me and said ‘get em’, as I once again got caught up in the excitement of being the center of attention, saying to myself “Let’s talk about me”.

All and all things turned out well, where we all had a cool time and that was that. But it wasn’t for me later on when looking back on my day and my behavior when around others, where I saw this as a point that I needed to investigate a bit further, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the minds tricks of the trade, brought on through another in egging me on to take the stage of sort, as the center of attention in a group gathering of friend I was introduced to, and fail for it, then begin talking about me, thinking I needed extra acceptance, more than already being accepted for who I was, when I was initially introduced to the people at the gathering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an energetic rush coming up from within and as me, when being talked about/pumped up by a friend who introduced me to his friends at a gathering, and instead of seeing this as a sign that I was on the verge of falling back into an old behavior pattern, I welcomed this energy within and as me and fell into the mode of “Let’s talk about me”, then into an energetic mind possessive state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of realizing in the moment through the sign that I was giving, the character I would re-perpetuate/re-live and playout, to stop it, left it to hindsight to awaken me from this momentary extended day dream, I fell into.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand to be self-aware at all time, especially in the time when I think I’m self-aware, which at times causes me to only focus on parts of myself, certain ways of being, patterns and behavior that I know require more of my attention, to not fall back into, as I am still walking these points, which shouldn’t be the case in choosing one or the other point to be more attentive to, as I now see/realize/understand the whole of me needs my undivided attention at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the excitement of talking about me overshadow, showing and living through action who I really am as life, without any extra additives or preserving any part of me that would somehow compromise me through the triggering of my Ego, as I would then let it take its revenge, leaving me in a state of consequence.


So, I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to fall into the trap of being pushed into expounding on myself, when driven by an energetic rush of a feeling, brought on by someone else talking about me, where I accepted and allowed myself to re-live an old behavior pattern in the midst of meeting someone New, but instead to keep it simple and to the point of any questions that’s asked and leave it at that.

Thanks for Reading.

User avatar
Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 14 Apr 2017, 22:23

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... reactions/

Day 558: Soliciting Reactions

It’s interesting how my mind find things (in ways) to bring up within and as me in order to solicit a reaction from me, as the innated trigger point to our inevitable demise, if I don’t open my eyes to see/realize what’s going on within us, which was the case throughout the majority of my life , where for sure enough, I’d end up following suit, being that I believed people deserved what came out of me as a reaction, because for most part it was rather hard to get me to react to things and show it, so where it seemed as if I was calm, standing, was a front where I held my reaction internally, suppressed them, let them compound, then would blow up at an inappropriate time.

As a slave to the mind there’s no realization of the damage being caused to one’s own physical body, and that of another in the midst of reacting, being that we believe that we’re making up our own mind, and the mind is who we are = there’s nothing wrong with me, so when it comes to being depressed, stressed out, anxious, frustrated and in pain, these things are deemed as normal, making it a cool thing in a way to say things like “Man I’m stressing out”, or “They made me feel depressed” or ‘You’re giving me anxiety, I can’t take it” (So don’t) with no Idea that the these things are solicited by our mind.

Oddly enough if you were to talk to anyone, it doesn’t matter who, about the mind, nine (9) times out of Ten (10), they would agree with you, but shortly after, the mind will give them something to react to either good or bad, that would erase the point that you brought up about the mind; We soon forget, and if asked a few minutes later, we’ll say hold on let me THINK about it, which was me in a nutshell.

It’s funny how the way we word things, when conversating with others, we place in the form of soliciting a reaction from them, simply because after we say what we’re trying to say, we then say; “You know what I mean” or “You get me” and this is uniform around the world, and once we receive this reaction, it fuels the energetic movement within us, but if we don’t get the reaction we’re looking for, we’ll continue talking until we do, in a way trying to force the other person to feel how we feel about what we’re talking about, which is done mostly through Gossip, and something else altogether.

But looking at the point of soliciting reactions, in being aware of everytime I react or about to react, It’s as if I can’t believe the amount of things that comes up in my mind for me to react to, like Wow that I’ve been unaware of me existing and reacting to things this way my entire life, which is a lot of shit, like have you ever sat there and counted ever single thought that comes up, within a minute span, then times that by 60 min, 1 hour, then 24 hours, 1 day, then 30 days, 1 month, then 12 months, 1 year, then to how ever old you are, added up to how many times + we’ve reacted to our mind soliciting us to react and do so, I mean that’s a lot of times, showing just how deeply engrained within us this reactionary things is, that’s not just going to go away overnight.

Of course it’s a process and while walking my process, whenever I find myself reacting to things I soon forgive myself for reacting shortly thereafter, and if I see that I’m about to react to something, I catch myself, by stopping and taking a breath and then forgive when necessary, but these reactions would still come back in the same way, which prompted me to look into this point of soliciting reactions a bit further, why am I so prone to reacting, what’s triggering this, who in my world have I solicited a reaction from, why am I being solicited to react at time by others, even if I don’t react?

So the other day I had somewhat of an AH HA moment, when doing some physical work, all alone by myself, with no outside distraction per se, only me with me and that’s when I started seeing, the cycle of how my mind would bring up these random thoughts in soliciting a reaction from me, and if the thought didn’t interest me, I wouldn’t react to them, I would say Stop, but my mind would continue replaying it over and over and over again as I ignored it, until I would forgive it, then it would go away, but not even a millisecond later the next, then the next and the next thought after thought would come up to solicit a reaction from me, so as I stood there, I took a step back outside myself to observe what was going on inside my mind, and became dumbfound to how in hindsight I let all this shit pass throughout my life and this is why I look to solicit a reaction from others, so in the next post I open up this point more, and do some self-forgiveness on the point of soliciting a Reaction.

To be continued…

User avatar
tylersr
Posts: 259
Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby tylersr » 15 Apr 2017, 15:45

So the other day I had somewhat of an AH HA moment, when doing some physical work, all alone by myself, with no outside distraction per se, only me with me and that’s when I started seeing, the cycle of how my mind would bring up these random thoughts in soliciting a reaction from me, and if the thought didn’t interest me, I wouldn’t react to them, I would say Stop, but my mind would continue replaying it over and over and over again as I ignored it, until I would forgive it, then it would go away, but not even a millisecond later the next, then the next and the next thought after thought would come up to solicit a reaction from me, so as I stood there, I took a step back outside myself to observe what was going on inside my mind, and became dumbfound to how in hindsight I let all this shit pass throughout my life and this is why I look to solicit a reaction from others, so in the next post I open up this point more, and do some self-forgiveness on the point of soliciting a Reaction.


Cool post Carlton! You say that during your ah-ha moment that you saw "why you looked to solicit reactions from others." Can you clarify a bit on this? Why does the constant and continuous temptation of thoughts cause you to solicit reaction from others?


Return to “7 Years Journey to Life”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 3 guests