Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
Posts: 630
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 16 Apr 2017, 22:54

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ions-pt-2/

Day 559: Soliciting Reactions Pt. 2

What I see as the difference between Soliciting Reactions and Soliciting A Reaction, is that with soliciting reactions, comes from my mind, in the form of bringing up continuous thoughts back to back, as what I experienced and shared in my previous post, verses Soliciting A Reaction, is what I have perpetuated unto/towards and received from other, that the difference only became clearer to me after I written my previous post to be more specific, because when interacting with someone, usually it’s that one point that we attempt to drill into someone our dismay, to out of spite Solicit A Reaction from them, which comes from the Mind point of Soliciting Reactions at any given moment to any given thought, as I see it.

So, the Self-Forgiveness, I will do in two parts, one for Soliciting Reactions as a mind point and the other, Soliciting A Reaction to a specific point one would bring up when interacting with others.

Soliciting Reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dumbfound with the minds ability to soliciting reactions from me, where after an undistracted observation of myself and my mind, in the midst of doing some physical work, I realized the amount of random thoughts that was coming up within and as me nonstop, which were specific in nature, to things and times throughout my life, that may have/has cause me to react before, in order for me to react to them again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted to thoughts coming up in my mind after being solicited by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to solicit reactions from me and fall for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become emotional in reacting to the thoughts that comes up in my mind, where I would follow the thought around in my head as if I was back in the memory connected to the thought, as a waste of time from focusing on what’s in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of remaining focus on the work in front of me/what I was doing, follow the thoughts around in my head into reactions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize, what the mind brings up, is connected to fear that exist within me, in relations to relationships of my past, fearing the belief that I won’t be able to experience being with someone again, instead of investigating my starting point of feeling the need to be with someone again, as in why, what’s the urgency, when I know good and well that being with me should be my priority in adjusting to my New found self-intimacy, that would get me to the point of being ready for any future potential Partnership Relationship Agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have followed preordained thoughts around in my head that would lead me back to the same point everytime, that of being and/or missing being in a relationship with someone, then wake up from this Memorex Nightmare, (As the oh so ever rewinding Tape Player) just to realize; “Awh Man I did it again”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that reacting to old thoughts/memories solicited by my mind, is like having an allergic reaction, (Now) to something I ate 10 years ago, meaning, it just don’t make any sense at all, which only the mind is able to bring up and present something like that to us, as we blindly follow it, into living a life of Sickness, everytime we regurgitate these ever so carefully selected memories of our past as Soliciting Reactions from our minds.


Soliciting A Reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expressed my dismay about something towards another, in the attempt to solicit a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the midst of my frustration and/or anger, concern and worry, wanted others to side with me, so in telling them my situation I would emphasize the main point in the attempt to solicit a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize how one-sided and selfish I’ve become, in the attempt to solicit a reaction from other, so that I can feel at ease for the part I played, Yes, the trap I’ve place myself within a problematic situation in my life, that had nothing to do with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make others happy, by attempting to solicit a reaction from them, because I was happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made others angry, through soliciting a reaction from them, because I was angry.

I forgive myself that I have I have accepted and allowed myself to have said things to others in a certain way to solicit a reaction from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of wanting to seek revenge on someone for making me feel a certain way, said specific words in a different tonality in the attempt to solicit a reaction from them and within that, I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to have believed that someone could make me feel a certain way, instead of realize myself to be the sole controller of my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have throughout my life, purposefully solicited a reaction from other to get them angry/mad and/or frustrated, because I was experiencing said emotion at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to growing up haven seen people soliciting a reaction from one others, and the outcome they got is stuck with me to the point of me creating a personality from it, as I saw this as an efficient way to get my way, what I wanted at times, which in the end only created consequences for myself, in the form of others pushing my buttons, soliciting a reaction from me, then reacting to their solicitation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, that what the mind do to us, we do and perpetuate onto towards others, with no understanding of where this comes from and how it work, therefore no correction is taken.


But through Desteni, in utilizing the tools that given of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements, I have the ability and able to stop what my Mind perpetuates onto me through Soliciting Reactions, and what I perpetuate onto/towards other through Soliciting A Reaction from them. So;


When and as I see myself, accepting and allowing my Mind to Solicit Reactions from me, I stop and breathe and take a step back, as to interrupt my thought patterns and then inject self-forgiveness where I see fit, that’s needed to slow myself down and stop the soliciting of Me. I see/realize/understand that by exposing myself through reactions, I am limiting myself from ever expanding/growing/developing myself to reach my fullest potential, and becoming who I am as life. I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to react to the thoughts as memories coming up from my mind, but instead to forgive and let go of these memories unconditionally.

When and as I see myself, going into reactionary mode and reacting to something in my life, where I then want to bring others into it, through soliciting a reaction from them, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that my problem is my problem to solve and my reactions only escalate my problems to no resolve and to bring others into it, is an excuse after the fall, so al and all reactions are useless acts that only feed the mind pieces of me. So, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to perpetuate such spiteful behavior, in the attempt to solicit a reaction from other, as I see/realize/understand that in doing so, I am opening the door for the same to be done unto me.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to bring others into my world of emotions through solicitation, but instead to investigate and correct myself for the emotions I’m experience from falling for being solicited by my mind to react.

Thanks for reading

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Carlton
Posts: 630
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 18 Apr 2017, 18:52

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... -you-need/

Day 560: What I think you Need

Have you ever had the experience of someone thinking they know what’s best for you/what you need, where commonly speaking, people would say things like, I know exactly what you need, “You need a vacation” after being told about a moment at work, or “You look tired, you need some rest”, because your eyes are naturally red, or “Girl you need a Spa day”, because they don’t want to go alone, or (The Big One) “You need a girlfriend” or “A Man”, because they always see you alone, where if it’s in relations to friends, that’s where setups and blind date begin or “You need to eat”, because you’re not up to what society deems as the correct weigh for your size (how tall you are), but you’re perfectly healthy, which in some cases this may be so, but who’s to say what you need, if the needs you’re told you need haven’t been experienced as a solution or needed by the teller?

As an observer, it’s fairly easy to hear and or look at someone life situation and give them your outside assumptions, and in 99% of all friendship this is done on a superficial level, where the friend really doesn’t care what you need, but tell you anyway because they know in some cases, that’s what you want to hear (in relations to only the good needs), because when it’s their turn, they expect for you to be Positive as well. But you also have the reverse of that, where a person will give you their perceived solution and haven’t done it themselves.

In childhood I was always told what I needed to do and in most cases it was right, but growing up into adulthood, that’s where things can get a bit twisted, being that everyone you meet have their own opinion and view on life, and how they think life should be and go for you, which oddly enough comes from what we’ve learned and picked up growing up, where things only happen the way I see it, with no consideration to how the other person was raised and what they believe in, so when telling someone what they should do, is not really looking at the whole situation in a way that’s best for them, but instead how we’ve placed ourselves in as the, “if that was me” point, which in a lot of cases, blinds the person, from seeing what they really need to do.

Then you have knowing that you need to do something, but don’t want to heed the message of someone telling you, which is kind of tricky because if you say you love someone and see them going down a destructive path, do you then tell them what you think they need to do, or is the love you speak on that of accepting and allowing them their free choice to do as they please, as you watch them slide down the slippery slope of delusion into a continuous groundhogs day of failures, mistakes and fuckups, without saying a damn thing, because (get this) you love them so much?

I mean where do one draw the line when it comes to a close friend or family member that’s been the same way as long as you’ve known them, where no one wants to hear anything new, but always knew in their heart of heart, that what they knew wasn’t the truth, but willing to take it to the grave as such, because they/we can’t believe we let ourselves be duped by the blinding knowledge and information we’ve grown up to know and believed to be real, while claiming we had free choice to question the message we received but didn’t do it, because we got scared off, and/or it suited our self-interest in the meantime.

If you have it within your ability to share what you know/come to realize as the innate truth of things and don’t do it, will I then face the consequences for not doing all I can to get the message out to the ones I love and all life in general, because I chose to sit back and condone the next person’s self-destructive way of thinking, in order to validate my own. And do you think it’s worth the risk of possibly losing this person in your life, because I’ve already loss so many from being overzealous way back in the beginning of my process?

Why is it that no one wants to accept what’s needed, unless what’s needed suit’s their interest, i.e. put money in their pockets and food on their table, with no recollection that what’s needed will do that for all equally, but what’s funny is that most of us that have little to nothing are more Adamant about saving our scraps than the elite are about losing their money (If change was to take place), therefore nothing ever changes, because we’re too brainwashed with the comfortability of our placement and entertainment, that we praise God for allowing us to have what the Earth gives freely for all, that we pay for, but should own equally. (Parts of Ourselves) Lol do you think if the aliens came they would only fight to bargain with the elite for water rights or will we then become Equal and One with each other and stand for what’s best for all, what’s all of ours collectively, Man/Women/Child/Insect/Animal and Being alike, every life form that exist on this planet, all standing up against this alien invasion? Well what would do if someone told you that an alien invasion already too place, that don’t have anything to do with little green men, grey beings or UFO’s? Would you like to know more? Investigate Desteni.org.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 18 Apr 2017, 20:23

Hello tylersr thanks for your comment, in my part 2 Soliciting Reactions post I clarified a bit more on what I meant by your question.

Thanks

Carlton

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Carlton
Posts: 630
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 20 Apr 2017, 19:37

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 1-what-i-t…self-forgiveness/

Day 561: What I think you Need (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that I knew what you, you and you need, being the people in my life in my past that I would spread my assumptive beliefs onto, as to what I think they needed to do, hear and say, when all I was doing was spreading hearsay that I’ve heard from someone else and believed, to be used as knowledge and information, and spread it around without being investigated and lived by myself first, in the Here and Now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought I was a problem solver, that could solve anyone’s problem, when listening to them rant and rave, where I would immediately go into thinking I know what they need to do about their problems and situation, then expected a resounding OK, after spilling my guts to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wholeheartedly believed I knew the truth of things enough to tell people what they need to do (growing up) when I was still wet behind the ears to what was really going on in the world of relationships and life in general, as I was only privy to bits and pieces of a one-sided story when looking at the relationships of those in my world who had gone before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told other people’s stories, as the “what I think you need”, to someone else, without having lived the words that I spoke to them, for their resolve, which is in fact a hypocritical way of thinking and communicating, that may have caused consequences for the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past, not lived the need to do’s, as a correction to my own life first and foremost, before opening my big lips to tell others what they need to do in their own life, to as an observer we all have done this at one point or another in our lives, that we need to correct within ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only scratched the surface of problems faced by others in giving them my opinion with the limited knowledge and information I had, that I didn’t live myself that may have compromised their resolve in a way, if they listened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in thinking I know what other need, not realize how I was blinding myself in the past with the idea that nothing was wrong with me, as a self-sabotaging mechanism I perpetuated onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when realizing what I needed to do to change myself, initially resisted the work that comes with walking one’s process and changing oneself, being that I was all talk and no action, without asking the question, how do I change me into who I really am as life. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been all talk and no action, thinking that as long as I knew what to do I was ok, but sadly mistake, at the time, there was no forward progress in my process, and things just became harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced someone thinking they knew what’s best for me, which they probably did, but I refused their services, because it didn’t suit my self-interest, plus I believed I knew all that I needed and didn’t need them telling me what I need to do, but again sadly mistaken, what I told myself didn’t work and caused me greater consequences than I was already facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the ‘My way or the Highway’ character syndrome, in the attempt to, while continuing down the same path, alter what was being told to me, in the form of support that I needed to do, in steps needed to be taken to experience the change in me, spitefully state to myself “it has to be my way tough”, as the selfish person I was, therefore I remained stuck within my ways for quite some time, moving Nowhere, without considering the destructive path I was on.

So here was a few points I saw that needed to be looked at in the moment, being that in those moments when we lose ourselves, by thinking we’re the resolve to others problem/situations, we fail to see/realize the most important point of all, which is ourselves, where, what have we done to resolve our own problems, are we the living examples of the solutions we’ve walked within our own problem, that works unequivocally, and if so then we’re able to assist others that’s walking their own path, without thinking, but sharing what we’ve lived in our own lives, because that’s what I needed to do and was all the better for it.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 22 Apr 2017, 21:00

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... tachments/

Day 562: More on Attachments

Have a Look back - Attachments Day: 185

(A quote from what I see) “My phone is like an extension to my arm, if I don’t have it ready to interrupt the boringness of being Here and Now, I’ll go crazy, as I need this sort of attachment to grade who cares about me, by the number of phone calls I get, which determines my status within the group of friends I have”. To keep the space between my ears from becoming overwhelmed, I overwhelm myself, with the scroll of purpose through my phone, spacing out when and when not to respond to messages and comments I receive from other people in my world in the order of importance, being that if I respond to all at once, I wouldn’t have anything to do in the next moment, which will drive crazy, because I hate facing the thoughts that comes up in my mind while sitting still”. I’m so glad that people is just like me, all zombie out looking down on the world through our phone, instead of interacting within it, because, whenever I get caught in real world (not looking at my phone), there’s someone there to re-Mind by looking at their phone, so I then snap out of it, and back into the scroll of purpose, with no purpose, going from App to App, from my email to Gods living room (Facebook), to looking at my Pictures and text messaging my friend, claiming that I’m bored, to no resolve, as the # 1 attachment we have in this day and age.

The way you make me feel is like none other that I ever experienced before with someone, you complete me, you’re my better half, and things of that nature, when becoming attached to someone or something, in a relationship/friendship/partnership of sorts, that causes us to detach ourselves away from standing equal to and one with who self is Here, who we are in essence, relinquishing our position to an energetic feeling we derive from that significate other or things.

Things being, material possession, Boats/Cars/Houses/Clothes etc., that we define as who we are with them, because without these attachment, we believe ourselves to be nothing, as if the end of the world is Immanent, meaning will happen the moment we lose everything, so thing is to hold onto it tight as if you’ll lose your life, which in hindsight seems pretty asinine, as nine times out of ten you’ll find yourself still here, just without those things we’ve attached ourselves to.

We as humanity searched for the easy way out, so we created Microwaves, we as humanity searched for the easy way out so we created Morse code, we as humanity searched for the easy way out so we created computers to do the jobs for us, that makes life simpler, easier so we don’t have to move around as much, I mean let the machines do it for us, so we can become attached to being lazy, but if the machines were to shut down, would we as well, being that we’re already half way there, by letting our attachments do just about everything for us, I mean we’ve become so used to our attachments that we overlook the chance for meaningful interaction with another human being, in person, but if we met online, it’s possible we’ll become best friends, in which case we’ve trained our attachments to speak for us in such a way of relaying messages, shit even talking on the phone has dwindled down. I mean how many time have you heard a Voicemail stating “For a faster response send a text message”, you would think a person is too busy with their attachments to even talk to you, and again, we’d rather look down on the world instead of participate in it.

We’re too busy up in the cloud, that clouds our judgment, from being able to focus on our responsibilities, which is us, right in front of our faces as life in itself, we abdicate that to how many like we got, while playing God combing through other people’s lives in a discriminatory way, where it’s a crime how we promote conflict instead of fixing ourselves, from being fixated on/to our attachments.

But don’t get me wrong, there is such a thing as a healthy interactive relationship with the things we have, and all will claim that’s it, that I don’t overdo it, but if you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night checking your phone to see what messages you have = that’s a problem. Some years ago, I found myself doing that, and this was even before iPhone’s, so you can imagine what’s taking place now, i.e. A friend of mine told me (During the initial Pokemon Go crazy) that his kids asked if they could go to the park down the street at 3-4 0clock in the morning, whose ages are like 7 and 9, so he took them and was amazed to find about 300 kids roaming around with their parents looking for characters, very interesting.

Goes to show the level of our attachment to things these day, where with kids, you used to get bombarded with cool conversations and questions, now you get nothing but an attitude if you interrupt them, which can be kind of “scary” to some, when looking at the future of our world, where attachments have become so prevalent, that the acceptance of a Human Robot could be inevitable.

To be continued.

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 25 Apr 2017, 05:22

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ents-pt-2/

Day 563: More on Attachments Pt.2

Now I’ve attached myself to quite a few things throughout my life, but none more than my mind and it’s interesting how this attachment works because no one ever talks about how we are/have been/being controlled by the mind we’ve attached ourselves to, with emotional and feeling attachments.

It’s pretty amazing how we’ve attached ourselves so much so to these feelings and emotions that when we think we’re not reacting, in fact we’re reacting, where the mere frustration, can come in the simplest form of just opening a jar, where in the initial moment we’re having trouble opening it, so we breathe, but the emotional reaction is still there, very subtly, but it’s there of frustration and God forbid anyone say; “Here let me help you”, Oh no, I mean we’ll hold it in, in front of them and maybe smile and say “I got it, but on the inside we’re like AHHGG. And when we do finally open it, we act as if nothing took place, but the consequences has already been made, because of our attachment to the mind.

The way we feel strongly about the way we feel is where the attachment to someone or some other thing comes in, where we would do just about anything to keep this feeling alive and that someone/other thing in our possession, making ourselves possessed by this someone or other thing, but if this feeling as an attachment wasn’t there, would we feel the same way about this someone/other thing, where we would possibly hurt someone or even kill someone over it.

If it makes sense the way that thing makes us feel is the point of attachment, for example, in my past I’ve built up a nice collection of music equipment and was the only one who knew how to work it, in the meantime, I had a group of friends with whom I did music with and at that time the feeling I’ve attached to making music was like none other, to be able to create and complete a full song from scratch, I derived positive energy from, it made me happy, to where it got to the point of me believing that if I didn’t have this music equipment, I would lose my ability to make me happy, therefore, I didn’t allow/didn’t want anyone to touch it out of the fear of what if they messed something up. What started happening was whenever I would go somewhere and come back the equipment would be turned on and things loaded up wrong and I would get mad. This went on for a period of time, where we ended up losing a few archived song, but no one fessed up to it, but it wasn’t until one of my friends said what will it hurt to teach someone else how to use it as well, that way when you’re not around we can still do music, so after much resistance, I did, and for most part, lost nothing else, thing is the idea of attaching such a selfish feeling to my material possession, came with a price of consequences that I had to faced and now looking in hindsight, I realized that all this was useless and avoidable.

Fast forward to today the attachment as reacting to feeling a certain way about what someone has done and/or said is basically the same thing, but different scenario that results in having to face similar consequences, but more on an internal level, where the factor is me and only me, being that in situations I’ve allowed myself to react by taking things personally, so the wanting to get even aggressive feeling is what I’ve attached myself to, which stems from embarrassment, another emotional attachment.

Once I started walking my process I started to realize what was missing was me understanding, who I am/how I am/what I am and have become and how to correct it, but as of late what I realized is that in order for me to really correct myself, I need to detach myself from these emotional and feeling attachments. So more self-forgiveness to come.

To be continued.

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 26 Apr 2017, 19:29

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... the-storm/

Day 564: Weathering the Storm

It’s pretty fascinating how back in the American Indians ‘Hay Days’ some of the elders would be able to look up at the sky and say, a storm is come and people would see this as some form of Mystical/Magical power they possessed, when all they were doing was looking off in the distance at the cloud formation, which there was nothing wrong with this, because I’m sure it saved plenty of lives, by having a forecast before the storm arrived. I mean they were able to bunker down and/or get to higher ground, if they’re settlement was just below the Prairie Plain, down in the Valley out in the open, being able to save most if not all their Perishable, from being squandered away by the storm if the Valley Flooded. I’m sure after a few raining seasons, there was a formulated calm amongst the villager, being that they knew exactly what to do when given the forecast that a storm is coming, enabling them to Weather the Storm.

Back then there was more of a sense of respect for things/life as they knew it, so whenever the storm would come, to them it was for a reason, a purpose which was widely understood to whatever purpose they saw fit, that they defined as the reason for this type of weather, and respected it, making it a general understanding without any emotional/feeling attachments.

Lol, Nowadays we know week and maybe even months before it happens, and still become angry, because it was forecasted to rain on our scheduled/planned event day, in validating the statement ‘RAIN ON YOUR PARADE’, because as we were PARROTING ourselves around, mimicking the mind, in every situation throughout our day, we didn’t realize the storm that was brewing within and as us, that was accumulating a mixture of hot and cold clouds of emotions and feeling with anger/frustration, happiness and sadness attachments to them, sabotaging our chance to ever reach the higher grounds of change, in being able to remain calm and stable, to weather the storm, but through our lollygagging around in our minds we’ve made this storm worst and got swept away by it, into losing our perishables/our life as who we really are, and now find ourselves in an empty Desert of Misery, Anguish and Pain, because we’ve chose to blame something or someone else for the games we’ve played with ourselves.

Things will happen in our lives, meaning storms will come, in the form of things not working correctly, where we already know and tell ourselves ‘It’s just one of those days” as the unspoken acceptance in thinking that we’re powerless to do anything about it, and when we tell someone; I’m just having one of those days” they immediately agree with us by saying; “Yeah I know what you mean”, because they too fail to investigate the cause/reason behind the storm we’re now facing, and as soon as we feel the first little drops of rain, as things happens, we react and attach emotion and feelings to it, as the fuel to the fire (So to speak), making it into a more worse storm than the rain shower that could have possibly passed over was.

Being able to weather the storms that comes up in our lives as the situations we face, takes understanding one’s responsibility in the matter, meaning what part we’ve played in making this happen to us, what is this situation showing me about myself that I haven’t faced as a point or looked at within myself, then by using the tools of Writing and Self-Forgiveness I’m able to stop any reactions from coming up, remain calm and stable and Weather the Storm.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
Posts: 630
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 28 Apr 2017, 20:06

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... oalsplans/

Day 565: Schedules/Goals/Plans

I’ve lived my life preordained for so long, where all I did was follow suit to doing whatever I was told, as the right thing to do and I hated it, but didn’t know what else to do, so I conformed to a certain extent and when I got the chance, went off to do my own thing, I mean I wanted to experience freedom from rules, from having to live by schedules and only doing thing if they were planned. There was no spontaneity in my life, growing up watching one after another friends and family members who were older than me, go through having to get a job and work about 100 hours a week, just to have a little extra, get married and have kid and be told when they could go on vacation, live old and die, was too complicated of a life for me to live, I strongly felt that there was something really fucked up about all of this, that something wasn’t right and I wanted no part of it, so naturally I rebelled against ever wanting to live by Schedules and Plans, and the Goals I saw others in my environment trying to achieve only went so far, then ended up right back where they started, back at home, being told, “It’s going to be alright baby”, but nothing ever changed.

So when I got out into the world, I became spontaneous, doing whatever I saw fit to do in the moment, still rebelling against any structure of scheduling, setting goals and planning and for a time this was my freedom, being free from all the chaotic pressure and strains that was placed on us from having to get and maintain a job, just to survive and eat, live or die, so being prone to living spontaneous of course any relationship I entered into at the time would flop, lol because I didn’t like the idea of having to schedule a date, I guess because I was still rebelling against what I saw growing up that I didn’t like, in a way.

When it came to planning things out, my belief was why can’t we just do it now, on the fly? Well obviously, the world doesn’t work like that, and since we’re so separated from each other, physically and mentally the problem lies in having to plan to get to know each other to get on the same page so we can make plans to do something about not being able to plan things out correctly, I mean to me too much planning went into painting ourselves in to a corner here as humanity with no way out, and they say piss poor planning makes for poor performance, but what’s not realized is that having to plan to perform, is only a show and not natural form of Self-Expression, therefore we’ve created this world as a show to live in, with a lifeless platform of expressionless character created by the mind.

They also say that if you want things done correctly, YOU have to fix them yourself, which interestingly enough range true, being that we’re the ones who broke things in the first place, speaking from an insider perspective, where in order to fix myself, I must change the way I view Schedules/Goal/Plans, I mean at least I owe it to myself to redefine them to that which is supportive to me and all as life.

Because I often time find myself pouting about having to schedule or plan something, knowing that I have to, I guess the waiting is what gets me, but oddly enough, not that of being impatient, it only triggers a memory of my living a preordained life growing up, always on someone else’s time, never my own, which is different from realizing and understanding that I must walk this process forever, which is what I stumbled upon, looking for something different than what I’ve grown up to see and know, so yes my goals are now different in a way from self-preservation to that which is best for all, preserving all life equally.

So let’s start with Scheduling, where my schedule was a bit monotonous growing up, from going to school, coming straight home, to waking up and going to sleep at specific time, then having to go to church on Sunday and certain days of the week, then when Monday comes do it all over again and although I didn’t complain, something in me just didn’t sit right, so in essence I saw scheduling as something negative, in having to do what others wanted me to do, on their time and there are plenty other points around this, but we’ll leave it there for now.

Back then Goal were like dreams to me, as something to set way down the road, where I had defined goals as non-attainable, being that I created my personality around watching other people trying to achieve their goals that didn’t seem to work out in the long run, so my belief was, that if I set any goals, most likely they wouldn’t work out, so I told myself to just wing it and see how it goes, which didn’t go as planned.

Speaking of which, the only plans I had growing up was to get out and see the world, and the way I would make this happen, was through joining the Military, which for most part worked. I saw planning specifically as an adult thing where I never wanted to grow up, I mean my plans were to fulfill my dreams of making it big in music, but when it came to planning on a daily basis, I was too busy winging it, instead of setting things in stone, reason being, I followed the idea that something else might come up and that something else I didn’t want to miss, so I called this leaving my options open and have defined plan/planning as an idea without enactment.

Interestingly enough, just about every relationship I’ve been in since growing up was the enablement type, where I would let my partner, do all the Scheduling, Planning and Goal setting, and they were pretty much always on point with it, but what did that say for me in the long run, when eventually I would have to face these points for myself, in setting schedules, making plans and write out goals for myself on my own terms, which was something I built up a resist to doing, because of the idea that these things wasn’t for me, when all along, I hadn’t given them an honest try, and now since I’ve been alone, this is where things really comes into play, I mean it’s not that I haven’t been doing these things, but while doing them. I still have this sort of resistance of old coming up within and as me, when these things should be fun to me, therefore a redefinition to these words are in order, to something that’s not only supportive, but fun to me as well. So, in posts to come I will be redefining these words once and for all and for me.

To be continued.

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Carlton
Posts: 630
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 30 Apr 2017, 20:47

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... cheduling/

Day 566: Redefining Scheduling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined scheduling as something done to appease other people, where it seemed as if I was always on someone else’s time and not my own, growing up. In essence knowing that I had to do something and/or be somewhere at a certain time, begs me to question, what was I getting out of it, because back then and now looking in hindsight, I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I needed to do certain things, at certain times, a certain way in order to survive in this world, and those things took scheduling.

If it wasn’t of my liking, why should I have to do it, without saying a word, but conforming to the formalities of doing what I was told, as any scheduling was done for me, straight up and throughout my Service Time, although the importance came to life during those times in a way, when training for and going into combat, where at certain times we had to do certain thing like clockwork, but be that as it may, those things became less important, once I was released and thrown back into society at which time a laziness took effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten used to others doing the scheduling for me, as a demand to survive when placed in a compromising situation, such as a war front, where the training then paid off.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize, scheduling practice after practice, in order to get good at a certain skill set, then placed in the Arena to where that skill set is needed is the key to survival, i.e., not limited to having, finding and maintaining a Job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become so used to following a made-up schedule, that when It was time for me to write my own, I only stuck to the basic of things I had to do, as a necessity, and not the actual getting my life in order type scheduling.


This laziness I speak of came in the form of having rebelled against the idea that my life has to be lived by a schedule in this day and age, where since I was so used to living by others scheduling for me, there was a sense of not wanting to do it for myself now that I had to, so at times I became too lazy to schedule for myself and still wanted to wing it, which worked some times and at other times didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become too lazy to schedule things for myself, where I would invoke the stigma I had to scheduling as an excuse to not do it for me all the time but partially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the benefits of scheduling, because I’ve hadn’t really look at it in the sense of it being beneficial, but only as a job, something I must do at times to stay on top of things and not fun.
Being that I do schedule now more than I ever done, the point of this blog is to redefine scheduling to where I see it as something fun to do not only s necessity, because it will assist with the organization of getting my life in order.


So I commit myself to redefining scheduling from that of being something I dreaded doing and saw only as a necessity, where, I believed it to be in service of other people and not me, to that of creating structure for the things I’ve committed myself to do at specific times throughout my day, week, month, year and life, that would assist me in getting to the point of living my life to the capacity of my utmost and fullest potential, which in fact would make, having/making a schedule a fun thing to do.

So, this point of schedule my life into organization so to speak, lol, is but one point in a group of points to be walked and lived in my life, so in the next post, I will move onto the word Goals, to also create a basic layout for redefinition of this word.

To be continued.

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Carlton
Posts: 630
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 07 May 2017, 18:52

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ing-goals/

Day 567: Redefining Goals

In essence the only substantial goals I ever made in my life up until the point I found Desteni, was a two-point shoot to win a basketball game almost every time I would play, other than that, none of my goals were long-term, consisting of life-changing factors that would assist me to live life comfortably as who I really am, but selfish in a way of suiting a momentary energetic rush of a feeling to substantiate my desire for satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have defined Goals as a superficial element of long term, to fulfill my wants/needs/desires, the desire to get rich, live old and die gracefully, which was (in other words) a page I followed out of the minds handbook on things you should obtain in life before you die, without realizing the pre-programming within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when mentioned the word Goal/Goals, give up before even setting them, thinking of the time it would take for things to come into fruition, as the time I didn’t have to wait, therefore no substantial goals were set, as I became the lie (Believed) that I was living in the Here and Now, when all the while I was showing signs of impatience, which in hindsight compromised my life in so many ways, because I waited too long to set any goals for myself.

Goal or might I say Go-All, where one goes all in to ensure that one is set for the future, in which ever way deemed fit according to the goal that’s set. I mean it’s pretty interesting how, for most part, the environment in which you’re raised sometimes dictates the goals you set, especially when you’re bound to a specific order or way of doing things, where for example; it was known that the sky was the limit, but being that there was a limitation on the type of goals I could set at that stage in my life, I wanted something different, so my only major goal was to join the Military and see the world, that was it.

But not to blame any specific person and/or the environment I was raised, because I still had it within me to make a choice and choose to leave it to chance as to what would happen in my life, I choose to not set any substantial goals in my life, outside of the basics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity of goal setting, to Go-All in, when it comes to making/creating goal to set oneself up for the future, as for me, I started late, but is not too late, as I see/realize/understand what substantial goals are now, being that which is assistive and supportive to my process and my everyday life, that consist of doing that which is best for all, always in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have existed with a considerable amount of blame towards the environment and certain circumstances in which I was raised, for not setting goals for myself, when all the while, the choice was in my grasp to do, but being that the thought of waiting for them to materialize was too great within me, I created a self-sabotaging mechanism of giving up before I would even set them.

All and all, A goal is a desired result or possible outcome that a person or a system envisions, plans and commits to achieve: a personal or organizational desire end-point in some sort of assumed development, Per Wiki, so


Redefinition:

A simplistic achievable standard of living, that would assist and support me to reach my utmost potential, and setting a realistic futuristic outcome of sustainable comfortability, for myself and for all as life, equally. My Goal is to Go-All in, when it comes to walking my process from consciousness to awareness and ultimately becoming Life.

To be continued with Plans.


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