https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... apologize/
Day 668: Apologize
The knowingly unknowing that what we willingly did on purpose would had a negative effect on those we’ve perpetuated it towards, the more we get, the more lies we spit/say throughout our day to keep what we have, and half the time we don’t mean it, but only because it was brought to the attention of the masses, did we bow down to/with a humble Character, being that the inherent nature of our beingness is far from being humble, therefore we use humbleness as a momentary character to soothe/calm the emotions/feelings of others, and you better look the part as well, so the Apologies can be accepted.
A packed Pile Of Lies that pack in a pile up to our thighs, states that we’re knee deep in shit, with need clean it up before shit hits the fan and the world knows your secrets, which is not a secret at all, but No one saw it coming, that we can’t be trusted with life, because we’re not doing what’s best for all, but for only Just-us, where justice is only served willingly to the weak, have nots and fall guys to make it seem as if we’re responsible for our actions, but in fact lacking in the department of self-investigation, where after the Apology there’s no correction and so things never change.
Did I not really mean to do that, as a mistake made and corrected, because I’m working on myself and at times fall but not fail to see me in what I did, is a different story, where the Apology is then lived because Self-Forgiveness was applied, opting out of a lie to tell the truth of things, I mean it would be amazing if we all lived this way and say ‘I Apologies because we’re seeing the lies within our lives that we live.
But for me, interesting how suppression sets in, when walking my process of correction, but at times thinking that I’m always doing something wrong, because of not wanting to mess up, which screams Self-Judgement, but where did this come from? The sum of my life growing up was not wanting to get/be in trouble, being that the fear of punishment was always looming over my head and in my mind, stigmatized and ingrained within layers upon layered designed of memories that was yet to be uncovered, and so needed assistance to look at what I initially couldn’t see, but manifested into a nowadays experience of dozing off, shown to me by my Buddy, that I’m still in the process of correcting this suppression and the projection of my perception of perceived hostility and aggression from other and so then believe that I’m doing/have done something wrong, and always Apologizing.
But far from how I used to be on the surface of an Apology, thinking that I really didn’t see, but saw in hindsight the spitefulness in my ways, was a hard thing to admit, in general, being that we see this vulnerability as embarrassment, which is again judgement projected towards others, then back to self, in essence not wanting to be seen as a corrector, but a protector of our own self-interest and Ego, and so the flaws in my Apology, meant that next time, I won’t get caught, but will do it again, if placed in the same position, but again at that time No correction was taken, to now seeing and learning a lesson from my own imperfections. Therefore; I hereby redefine the word Apologize from that of being A-Pile-Of-Lies, to; the acceptance and correction of the lies been told and mistakes shown and seen by me – to no longer accept and allow myself to repeat these acceptances again, but to live the word Apology when correction is needed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the lies been told into being exposed and admitted to in fact, while using the Humble character to say the words I Apologize, biting my tongue the whole time, like a finger crossing behind our back to protect our Ego and stuff we fear losing, as if the conflict we’ve just created will soon go away, when these words are spoken, to forgetting that it ever happen, saying to oneself; next time I won’t get caught, as we still live in this spiteful way of existing, calling it life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caused strife between those who love being right and fear being wrong, as the self-perpetuated neutrality position I’ve placed myself in, to not side with one or the other, in the midst of being self-righteous towards all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said that I Apologize to get what I wanted, and/or to momentarily stop the inevitability of things happening in my world, without realizing myself to be the cause thereof, the creator of aggression and hostility (as a collective) pitting one against the other and perceiving others to be hostile towards me and so before this could happen, I (as a collective) projected it onto towards the masses, until we get caught as the sower of discord amongst the Brethren and /or our ways exposed.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I create my life, by the actions I take, which takes toll on the relationships I make, then break without a moments notice, when going back on the Apologies I’ve made, that have made me enslaved to the Ego that just took revenge, whenever I got caught doing whatever I was doing, and so now need to correct my crooked stance to standing erect within the stability of knowing that I too have an opportunity to correct myself and change.
And so on and so forth, to live Apology as the understanding of a mistake made, instead of the sorrowful judgement of being the one who made it, correction is Key, and so for that I Apologize.
Thanks for reading.