Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 01 Feb 2017, 21:03

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 2-spreadin…s-around-s-c-c-s/

Day 522: Spreading Your Thoughts Around (S.C.C.S)

Being that the problem lies within us, so do the solution, and the solution is obtainable through writing your Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements, on this point as follows;

When and as I see myself, giving my opinion when conversing with others, where I start with the words; “I Think”, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that by saying I think, I’m in the process of making up and/or spewing what the mind is conjuring up for me to say out of my mouth, that is most likely assumptive in nature, that causes what’s real to be distorted, changed and/or added to, that doesn’t do what’s being discussed any justice, as it’s Just-I (me)-seeing through the mind’s eye and spreading my thoughts around, not giving a real informed response. I commit myself to speaking on that which I know about and/or have lived in my life, and not as an “I Think”, but as an “I know” because I live it/been through it, type of thing.

When and as I see myself, using the words ‘I Think” as an excuse to get to the point of understanding them/they, why they do/did this, that or the other, I stop and breathe and I see/realize/understand that them/they and what them/they do/did is not relevant to who I am and will not change me as a person, and that I need to move on and face my own problems, situations and things in my life that goes on, from investigation to solution, to no longer hide behind what I think about them/they, but instead to face me and the thought I have spread around about them/they, into living correction. I commit myself to facing myself, my problem, situations in my life head on, and no longer accept and allow myself to try hiding from me, by using them/they as an excuse, but leave them/they out of the equation.

When and as I see myself, becoming mind possessed with my own problems, and to cover them up, become mind possessed with others people’s problems, only spreading what I think about other people’s problems around, as if what I think about them is valid, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that no matter how much I try to run away and hide from my own problems, they still will be here, once I finish a lap of going around in circles to nowhere, and in the process create consequence for myself, before I see my fault in the matter, which doesn’t do me any good, but set me apart from my self-expansion, growth and development, so It behooves me to leave others out of the equation and stop my own mind possessions. I commit myself to focusing on me, to stop my mind from posing in the mirror.

When and as I see myself, following the societal standard of having as a normal conversation with who I think is a friend, and we’ll always be a friend, where all we do is sit around and talk about other people, in spreading their information around, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that it is highly probable the one day me and this ‘friend’, won’t be friend any longer, being that our conversations are mostly about other people, which means that it’s highly probable that I’ll find myself on the other end of thoughts being spread around about me, which would then be showing me myself in the mirror, in having done the same to others, meaning I need to put a guard on my mouth and my mind to stay Here at all times. I commit myself to putting a guard over my mouth and my mind, and remaining Here in every moment of breath at all time so let nothing slip out.

When and as I see myself, becoming frustrated and/or angry when hearing that someone has spread something around about me, I stop and breathe and have a look at where in my world have I done the same to someone else in my world and reality, then write it out, forgive myself for doing so and live the corrective action on the same point that’s being perpetuated onto towards me.

When and as I see myself, living this personality from what I heard as Adult talk growing up, what the Adults in my live were spreading around as their thoughts about other Adult in our world, where I have taken this with me throughout grade school, into high school (to be accepted) and then into adulthood and onto the job market, I stop and breathe and tell myself enough is enough. I see/realize/understand that in doing this spiteful act, I was trying to get ahead, which in essence only placed my head onto the chopping block (per se), meaning I’m not realizing ‘Do unto others and you would like to be done unto’, thus placing myself in the midst of being talked about, put down and passed over for someone else to get ahead, using me as a catapult, as I have done to others, and for that to the being I have done this to I’m sorry and asking you to please forgive me, because it’s one thing to forgive myself , but another to ask forgiveness and mean it.

When and as I see myself, thinking/perceiving/believing that I am safe from being talked about and or things being spread around about me, because I live in a quiet neighborhood and think everyone is so nice and loving, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I’m living in a dream world, in an illusion of grandeur and need to wake myself up before reality smacks me in the face, that there is no such thing in the neighborhood I live in and/or any other neighborhood for that matter in the world, as we have so gracefully spited our way into the illusion of calm, as we smile in your face and spread thoughts around behind your back. The proof is in the creation of a neighborhood watch program, coming to a neighborhood near you real soon, if not already there.

When and as I see myself, inviting this type of behavior into my home, without checking it at the door, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that what I accept in my home is what I have accepted in my life, that exist within and as me, which is one of the stumbling block preventing me from real self-change, from real self-expansion, from real self-growth and development, causing me to remain stagnant in my process and in my life, so this I will not accept and allow any longer, but to instead stop it within me first completely, then my external reality will change, as within, so without.

When and as I see myself, letting myself be plagued by the ignorance of accepting being labelled repulsive names that’s been spread around toward each group and race of people and reacting to them, as if this is who I really am then find myself returning the favor of sorts, meaning labelling others back with other name calling methods, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that by reacting to these labels, I am letting myself be defined by them, which is a statement as to how brainwashed I really am, in giving my power through reaction away to others and/or a label/name in the wind, so I commit myself to brushing the dirt off my shoulder per se, with this name calling business, no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate in any form of stereotypical labelling of a person group or race.

When and as I see myself, letting my mind stand in my way, like a Chinese puzzle waiting for me to figure myself out, I stop and breathe and see this stand as a gift to start figuring. I see/realize/understand that I should limit this stance to accepting what the mind has to show me, but not accept and allow myself to participate in the thoughts my mind presents to me for me to spread around, but to remain sound, grounded and stable, when stopping the flow of traffic that starts with the thoughts in my head, that wants to get off on the next exit out of my mouth, so I commit myself to working with my mind, to no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by my mind, but to stand equal to and one with it, and getting to the point of directing myself into my Utmost potential.

When and as I see myself, thinking my thought are secret, not realizing that secrets are the best way to get the word out, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that a world of Dismay lies within a secret and just because it’s not said verbally, doesn’t mean that what I think is not creating my reality around me, because it is, what’s spread around comes around and you might not like it when it come back around from which it came, so I commit myself to stopping my secret mind, to no longer spread around my thought, but instead to forgive them, correct them and live my life to my utmost potential and what’s best for all.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 03 Feb 2017, 20:39

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... condoning/

Day 523: Caring Vs Condoning

“I’m doing this because I love you and Care so much for you” as the parent chastise the child in whichever way they see fit. Do we really Care for others, or only Condone our own self-interest, in saying things like I really Care about you?

In relationships, we often hear, I care about you so much honey, that’s why I put up with your shit, which screams two things, first and foremost, worry (which I found an interesting blog on Debunking Worry as Care, Here ) and the other thing is Fear of loss, and thus we Condone what others do, under the guise of Caring about them, when in fact it is because I don’t want to lose you.

In most relationships I’ve been in, there’s this feeling each other out phase (whether partnership or friendship) where we let one another be themselves, that is until we chose to stop it and/or not be a part of it any longer, but in most cases we condone more than we put on, that compromises who we are and what we really will accept/have accepted and allowed or not ,that we haven’t in our past, but this time it’s something different, that we tell ourselves, maybe a new feeling, where when the question; “Why do you care about me/them so much” comes up, we answer with; “Because of the way they make me feel”, which is why we also condone the things they do, which all falls under the umbrella of ‘Love’, in its current state, form and definition. I mean after knowing someone for a substantial amount of time, we become fond of them and they us, to a certain extent and it’s safe to say that we have a sense of care for them and they us, but when looking at this sense of Care, if you were to take away all that you do for one another would the care still be there?

In most cases, I think not, as I have experienced and had to learn the hard way, that it’s just as easy to fall out of care with someone, then it is to say I care about you, but being as gullible as I was, I didn’t see that it could happen to me after a long period of time being in a relationship, but it did, I mean all of a sudden, I don’t care about you no more, which threw me for a loop, because when someone said they cared about me in the first place, I took it to heart and found myself believing everything they said, I mean it’s just that easy to get caught up in a web of lies, all because I choose to lie down in a bed of comfort, instead of confronting what I was condoning within myself about/and this other person.

In my world when someone says; “I generally care about your wellbeing”, then turn right back around and show you something different, it’s time to vacate the premises, to get away from them as fast as you can, because in hindsight you don’t want to be saying; “I knew it” and “I should’ve”, but the fault lies with me, because I didn’t allow myself to do something about what I knew, and now it’s too late. In essence generally caring is a broad spectrum away from being intimate with a person and not conducive to any long-term relationship.

In general we condone things that people do for self-interested reason, never telling the reason why we claim to accept the person for who they are to us and what they can do for me, which is far away from titling your affiliation to them as Caring, which in fact, if there was nothing in it for you, you probably couldn’t bare being next to them, let along the sight of them, so what is the connection between condoning to caring, simple, it’s all in the name of a feeling, where because you make me feel a certain way, I’ll condone/put up with the things I don’t like about you, that is until you stop making me feel good, then I’ll stop caring about you, as simple as that.

It’s rather interesting how real caring for someone has nothing to do with condoning what they do, it’s more like, “I’m going to tell you/let you know when you’re not expressing yourself as who you really are”, and you me, but no, this is seen as being an ogre and/or a negative person, thinking why are you always nit picking on everything I do, under the believe that we’re powerless to change ourselves, or is it that we’re too comfortable being in the state we are in, because this is all we know. The answer to that may be all of these above, and I have to admit, it is a hard pill to swallow, when realizing for the first time, that I have had the power to change myself, the things I do and the way I am, all along and didn’t do it, but once you get passed this regurgitating resistance phase and start to see yourself as what you have become, accepted and allowed yourself be and participate in, it becomes easier to accept real care from someone else, to becoming careful as the unconditional expression of who you really are, as care, as life and truly caring for others.

I mean if you ask yourself the questions, how do I care for my partner right now, (the person you’re in a relationship with) and why do I care for my partner right now, for most, you’ll find that the answers you give to yourself are pretty superficial, meaning that there is a reason behind your care for them, and if you’re self-honest, you’ll notice it’s because of something they do for you/have done for you, which is along the lines of how they make you feel, never as two individuals together going through life, keeping each other grounded and stable, outside of being financially dependent on one another, I mean in essence, you can say, that there’s nothing wrong with it per se, for the simple fact that the compatibility with the person we’re in a relationship with, had to be tested and comes from somewhere, but to let you know, there is more than meet the eye, when it comes to unconditionally caring for someone.

And going back to the ogre thing for a moment, a real ogre, is one that’ll let you keep falling and destroying yourself, because they don’t want to lose the comfortability they get from what you do for them, such as myself in past relationships, as long as I was happy, that was all that mattered, at the expense of condoning what I did myself and what my partners did, and them me, so we were like “two tears in the bucket, fuck it”, going back and forth, condoning what each other was doing, to the detriment of our relationship and called it Love. I mean, if it isn’t love, why do I feel this way, but love will make you do crazy things, under the assumption of thinking that you’re going to miss out on something if you don’t do these crazy things/be a certain way to keep your partner, but when you look at it, it’s rather a hard task to keep this act up and going, without getting a headache, because everytime you “show that you care”, they turn right back around and debunk it, and we do the same thing to them, which ends in an argument and then the break up, (And get this) because you Cared about them so much.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 05 Feb 2017, 19:33

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ning-pt-2/

Day 524: Caring Vs Condoning Pt.2

Because of the broad spectrum of definition’s I have used in interpreting the words Caring and Condoning, best thing for me to do, is to redefine the words to that which is supportive to me and my process, but first how else have I used these words personally.

Throughout my life I have used the word care in the sense of “Taking care of”, meaning my expectations of being taken care of, was at the forefront of how I have defined this word, which consist of, being enabled, then depending on this enablement because I’ve been used to it for so long, It was never a thing were let’s say someone would tell me; “I’m giving you tuff love so you can go out and do things for yourself”, which in hindsight I wish would have happened, but it didn’t so , I’m stuck’ correcting myself to unstick myself from this proverbial definition.

So, of course in all my relationships, I expected others to do things for me, if they said they cared about me and when they didn’t I was confused and took it as a sign, for me not to care about them as much either and in doing so, I’d sabotaged a lot of the relationships I was in.

Now the condoning factor has always been there, in the sense of wanting and keeping a friendship and/or being with someone in a relationship and thus saying that I care about them/you, which was really all because they seconded/agreed with my self-interest, the commonality that friend/partners have, whatever it may be, then going through the whole relationship drama, as I’ve mention in the previous post and into being alone again, was a constant/continuous thing for me, where I would go around in circle like a hamster on a wheel, coming back to the same spot, wondering why this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.

Then there’s condoning myself for the way I was, where the things I did, I excused as necessary, I needed to do them, in order to uphold the character I was in at the time, so even if what I did offended other, I didn’t care so much, because nothing was going to stop me from being the person I was, I mean self-condoning what Self do at time, is the absolute worst sense of condoning, because at some point one has to, or maybe have realized what one is doing is not cool, but in my case I would turn a blind eye to my faults, my weaknesses, my bad habits, patterns and behaviors, not realizing the self-destructive nature I perpetuated and existed as, would be my number one downfall, meaning I didn’t see it coming, but knew that it would and didn’t stop it, I condoned it to happen.

So if I could condone what I was doing myself, doing to myself, how easy was it to condone what others did, which also brings up a fear of being spited/rejected/ostracized and alone, which I’ve experienced time and time again and condoned these experiences within myself, until they actually happened and continued to happen, until I found myself alone, and the blame now is that I accepted and allowed condone as Con-done-it meaning (Consciousness done it), as I sat there thinking that I was powerless to do anything about it, and simply gave way to the mind to direct and control me, all I service of thinking that if I don’t condone what others do, I won’t have any friend and I won’t be in a relationship and no one will like me, and this all happened on my watch, while I was “watching TV”, per se, not Here directing myself.

This realization came up the other day, (oddly enough) while watching couples in a movie, how one would say to the other; “I care about you so much”, but on the other hand didn’t like what the other was doing, but put up with it and always accepted them back after the fact, which was interest, how when I looked back at my life, I had condoned the same thing within me and in my relationships and saw this as a point that needs to be corrected, if I ever expect to have an effective relationship/Agreement with myself and with someone else, where this word has to be redefined and lived, and as for the point of what I will and will not accept and allow within any potential relationship, as the condoning aspect of it all, has to be established within me first, before I can be with anyone else, so; in the next post I will get into some redefinition of these words that will assist and support me to walk in my process.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 07 Feb 2017, 17:30

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 5-caring-v…ng-redefinitions/ ‎

Day 525: Caring Vs Condoning (Redefinitions)

Starting with the word Care/Caring (the act of care), as mentioned in my previous post, to sum it up, I have basically defined caring as in “taking care of”, me, believing that this word came with an action, if you said it, then do something about it, in other word, my expectations exceeded what caring is really all about.

Even the modern day, dictionary depicts the word Care/Caring in an Emotional, Systematic way, such as;

1. a state of mind in which one is troubled, worry, anxious or concern
He was never free to care.

2. a cause or object of worry, anxiety, concern, etc.:
Their son has always been a great care for them. – (Which is cool in a way, that brings up, one taking care of one’s parents and/or an elderly person that for reasons unknown to them, they can’t do things for themselves, although as acceptable it should be a given).

3. serious attention; solicitude; heed; cautions:
She devoted great care to her work.

4. protection; charge:
He is under the care of a doctor.

5. temporary keeping, as for the benefit of or until claimed by the owner:
He left his valuables in the care of friends. Address my mail in care of the American Embassy.

6. grief; suffering; sorrow.

Within these definitions there is no real depiction of what care/caring really is as the accumulation of most of these factors and more, meaning we have degraded/down played this word to the point of it being a nightmare of emotions between how you feel about others and abdicating your responsibility as care, as who you really are, doing what’s best for all, all life on this planet.

Sounding of the Word

Car-e

C-are

See-are

I see who we are, meaning I see/realize/understand who I/we really are and thus will only do unto others as I would like to be done unto, will only love thy neighbor as thyself, will only take others into consideration as me, will no longer live in the separate between me and myself, will express care as all of the above unconditionally, making sure that I (first and foremost), and those in my world live in self-honesty as nothing less than who we are and if we step outside that bound, to correct one another to stay on track of reaching our utmost potential as human being as life as who we really are.

I See Care as Me.

In the next post, the word Condone/Condoning

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 09 Feb 2017, 20:53

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 6-caring-v…edefinition-pt-2/

Day 526: Caring vs Condoning (Redefinition) Pt. 2

Continuing from where I left off in my last post, with redefining Condone/Condoning

Condoning in the form of a condom that suppresses Life from ever reaching its utmost potential as you, as who you really are, in essence the statement, “I’m not ready to take care of a baby yet” is the statement of “I’m not ready to change, ready to take responsibility for who I have become in my world and reality, because, I rather enjoy and condone the life that I’m living, to me it’s fun”, as the blinding factor of living in Hell 101 in real time.

The freedom of not having to readily take responsibility, to blame it on an external factor, that Consciousness-Done-it, but we’re the ones who condoned it, as forgetfulness ensue, we let common sense go right out the window, forgetting, the lesson history as shown us, as in what happens when we condone things like War and Protest, under the guise of starting a revolution, which is in fact Conflict, because we fall to see/realize and accept a solution that is best for all life on Earth. Only if it’s good for me, my family, my friends and the people in my group, will I sit back and let things slide down the slippery slope to mayhem, as we’re condoning our own demise.
Condone

1. to disregard or overlook (something illegal, objectionable, or the like):
The government condoned the computer hacking among rival corporation. Which is basically saying that we as humanity, live in a society of competition, condemning each other to the limited space in Hell we live in, while trying to obtain a piece of heaven for ourselves, by stepping on each other’s toes.

2. to give tacit approval to:
By his silence, he seemed to condone their behavior. This in the sense of what I discussed earlier, in not saying anything to a friend/partner in a relationship, as a silent approval to what they’re doing, because of what you’re getting out of it, so then in a way it’s the point of fear, fear of loss, losing that which you think you’re getting from the other person and/or out of the situation, for not saying anything.

3. to pardon or forgive (an offense); excuse:
His employers are willing to condone the exaggerations they uncovered in his resume. Once again only if it suits our self-interest, are we willing to forgive the offense/what someone has done, as we are very partial to the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but when the true of the matter is staring us in the face, we down play it as being a White Lie, and therefore acceptable, because the definition of ‘white’ means ‘pure’.

4. to cause the condonation of; justify the pardoning of (an offense). Of course, with most every condonation comes a justification, and in most cases, this justification is in the name of Caring, because I care for you/them, so once again I’ll condone what you/they do.

5. Law. to forgive or act so as to imply forgiveness of (a violation of the marriage vow):
His spouse condoned his infidelity from the early year of their marriage. I mean this is needless to say, but the things we put up with, just to keep someone around, screams; ‘I’m comfortable’, but are we really.

What’s not seen/realized/understood, when looking at these external definitions, is the Self in the matter, meaning condoning one’s own behavior, the “why do I condoning this within me” question, is not looked at. Why am I accepting and allowing myself to still exist in anger, why am I accepting and allowing myself to still exist within reaction, why am I accepting and allowing myself to still exist in frustration, why am I accepting and allowing myself to still exist in emotion and feeling = I don’t want to see that, because I am allowing this within me, I allow it within another, therefore How can I assist and support myself, (when bringing it back to Self) to live this word in a way that’s supportive to me?

By changing it from an excuse driven word to only accepting that which will assist and support me to expand/grow and develop, myself into my utmost potential and doing that which is best for all life, in all ways, always. So, in essence I condone the pain I feel that assist me to seeing/realizing/understand what I have suppressed within me needs to come out and be corrected, then correct this within and as me. I condone the resistance I experience telling me not to, but accepting this as, Yes, I Really should, and going for it full steam, because if resistance is there, this must be that I’m on the right track - to push through it. I condone constructive criticism, being that the mind has many layer and dimension, which at times makes it hard for one to see everything in the moment, that’s when, someone steps in showing you what you’re missing. I condone self-forgiveness, being that it’s the first step to me releasing myself from my mind – to stand equal to and one with it. I condone group discussion, that’s showing points within oneself, that’s simplified with a corrective application, that assist and support one to change.

Within the above sense of condoning, lies the definition of what I will and will not accept and allowed in my world and reality, so in the next post, I will be opening up some Self-Forgiveness on Caring Vs Condoning.

To be continued…

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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Marlen » 10 Feb 2017, 07:11

Thanks for writing/opening up this point of condoning Carlton, this has been one of the words I had 'condoned' to look at and I have seen how we've been writing around similar topics so reading your approach to it has also been a cool feedback to points I am also seeing and facing within myself, like the 'worry as care' and how that started this whole outflow of looking at what we essentially and allow in ourselves and others, and what would be most supportive to do to change and stopping 'keeping quiet' about all things that we know need to be changed.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 10 Feb 2017, 23:19

Thanks Marlen, yes I had this topic down to write about and when I saw your blog "Debunking Worry as Care", open me up to be more specific in looking at another dimension of how we miscontrue the word care, as in "this is because of that type thing", so that's for sharing your blog as well.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 11 Feb 2017, 23:25

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 7-caring-v…self-forgiveness/

Day 527: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear the word care around as the condoning factor that fits my self-interest, claiming that the reason I put up with the things you do is because I care about you, in relationships, friendship, partnerships or any other type of ship we place ourselves in, to not feel lonely or be alone, where we then ship ourselves away from being here and into our minds, to not face and correct that which we see in the mirror as you, as me, because I like this feeling you give me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care in a sense of being scared, where I have said to someone; “But I care about you”, out of fear of losing them, but when everything’s fine, that care turns back into “I dare you”, as in, I dare you to talk to me that way again, in the midst of an argument, arguing about how much we really care about one another, which shows that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined another dimension of care, as an acceptable moment of arguing, in route to the other side of care as a feeling, then rinse and repeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a person being themselves, during the feeling each other out phase of a partnership or friendship relationship, condoning more than I put on, that compromises who I really am, thinking I can change them into being a cool friend and/or being a part of my life, so for that moment in time, I claim to generally care about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reverse the CARE factor into being ERATIC, when my need was not met, in a moment’s notice, then reverse it back to CARE when seeking a Care Package (That feel-good feeling), all in the same as an energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in past relationships, if you were to take away all the things we did/do/done for one another, that care wouldn’t exist, meaning my caring was based on a superficial comfortability of a feeling given and expected in return by both of us, me and my partners, so in fact this form of care was but a statement used for the momentary purpose of keeping us together, for as long as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been gullible in a sense of thinking that others care/cared about me because they told me so, instead of asking the questions of how and why, before submitting myself to they’re every beckon call/will and desire, because of what I desired, I chose gullibility over morality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken things to heart when someone would tell me that they care about me and found myself getting caught up in a web of lies, all because I choose to li down in a bed of comfort with them, instead of confronting what I was condoning within myself about this person and with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally condone things people do for self-interested reasons, never telling the reason why I claim to accept the person they are to me and what they can do for me, which is far away from titling my affiliation to them as Caring, but condoned as a feeling.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that real caring is like saying “I’m going to tell you/let you know when you’re not expressing yourself as who you really are and you me, unconditionally, when and as I see the powerlessness coming up within and as me, within myself and within another, as in condoning the change that’s possible, when we both stand up for and as life, as who we really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was an ogre by condoning what someone else was doing to themselves, by letting them, keep falling and destroy themselves, because I didn’t want to lose the comfortability I get from what they do for me, under the assumptions that if I didn’t condone what they do, I would be missing out on that something from them.

To be continued…

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Carlton
Posts: 646
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 13 Feb 2017, 22:18

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 8-caring-v…forgiveness-pt-2/ ‎

Day 528: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness) Pt. 2

Picking up where I left off: Day 527: Caring vs Condoning (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, used the word care in the sense of ‘Taking care of”, meaning my expectations of being taken care of, was at the fore front of how I have defined this word, which consisted of being enabled, then depending on this enablement, because I’ve been used to it for so long, so if someone said they care about/for me, I expected them to in a way take care of me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do things for me, in relationships and when they didn’t, I was confused and took it as a sign, for me to not care about them as much either, and in doing so, I sabotaged a lot of the relationships I was in, all because of the different ways I have defined the word care/caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone myself for the way I was, where the things I did, I excused as necessary, that I needed to do them in order to uphold the character I was in at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone, what I did to myself, in disregard of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the way I treated people in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the emotions and feelings, coming up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone my reacting towards other, instead of seeing where in my world have I done the same to someone else, that was being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for the longest, condone myself sitting around and being lazy, at times throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone abdicating my responsibility to life, for self-interested reasoning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone the way others would treat me with disrespect, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone myself treating others with disrespect as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condone what others did out of the fear of being spited/rejected/ostracized and alone and by condoning some of the things people in my world did, I then found myself alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define condoning as the excuse that Con-done-it meaning (Consciousness done it), not ever owning up to, it being because of my acceptances and allowances that I let myself be directed into condoning the things I did to myself and in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have sat back in my mind and condoned my life going to hell in a hand basket, really quick, until I stopped myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait so long to stop myself from letting my life go down the tubes, to the point of when I found the truth of things, I initially didn’t believe it, I didn’t believe that all this time, what I was condoning was not the truth of the matter and that, I was condoning the opposite of consideration, the opposite of self-trust, which was in essence being dishonest with myself and at the same time believing I was being honest.

Goes to show, what we live as we condoned, into the downfall of a life gone extremely wrong, as self-condonation.

To be continued…

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Carlton
Posts: 646
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 15 Feb 2017, 23:27

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 9-caring-v…oning-conclusion/ ‎

Day 529: Caring vs Condoning (Conclusion)

In conclusion;

What it all boils down to is me not caring enough about myself to ever do anything about the way I am, what and who I have become in my life, so I condoned the disempowerment, the fuck ups, the gullibility, the enslavement of myself to my mind, to money, to the things and people around me, I thought was unattainable, to the point of living live in a stupor, a mode of hidden depression that’s so dangerous, because you’re not able to see it on the surface, no matter how much you try to, all you do is run around grabbing onto bits and pieces of motivation to keep you going onto the next piece, and then the next piece and the next, thinking that there’s no way out, but you’re wrong, I was wrong, humanity’s wrong for thinking this way, when the answer is right in front of your face when you look in the mirror, it YOU, I mean that’s why we get caught up wanting to care for/take care of other people really, because we have the slightest clue of how to truly take care of ourselves, outside of eating healthy and staying in shape, because at the end of the day, when you’re all alone, by yourself and can’t stop your mind, who is there really to blame but You?

That’s where the real caring comes in, caring for oneself. And that’s where Self-Forgiveness begins, the ONLY tool/real thing that I know that works, without a shadow of a doubt, if done correctly, more that any PRAYER, more than any Structured Belief System, more than any Faith you’ll ever have or know and BETTER than giving up. Then once done it, (as we have in the previous posts) you apply your Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements, for how you would like to live life and change this pattern once and for all, as such;

When and as I see myself, condoning the lack of care I possess of myself, in exchange for the diluted sense of care that I had for others, where no matter what they do/did, I would condone it, all in the name of a Friendship/ a Partnership and/or being that of a family member, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, how could I truly care about someone else when it was evident that I didn’t care about myself, meaning I hadn’t taken responsibility for how I was, who I was, what I participate in and investigating my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths and any other form of self-diminishment I existed as. So I commit myself to putting me first, learning to care for me, more than just my health and physical stature, but to also care about what I participate in, what I say to others, how I treat others, to ensure that everything I do is with the diligence and care one would have for a fragile child, which consist of stopping my mind, my thoughts, emotions and feeling from directing me into reactions, so that I may expand/grow/develop to reach my utmost potential and live care as the unconditional expression of who I really am as life.

When and as I see myself defining care in then most simplistic form, in the sense of being scared, where I find myself saying to someone, “But I care about you”, out of fear of losing them, when things are not going so great, but when everything’s fine, that care turns into, ”I dare you”, as in I dare you to talk to me that way again in the midst of an argument, arguing about how much we really care about one another, which shows that I have defined another dimension of care as an acceptable moment of arguing, in route to the other side or care as a feeling, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is a form of carelessness which only has to do with my own self-interest in the moment, never owning up to anything that I’ve done to get me to this point of having to say I care about you, in the midst of an argument and failing relationship, friendship or partnership, which I’d sabotage in my own way and hide behind the word care. So, I commit myself to stopping this lame game that I’ve played with myself for so long, in maintaining this self-destructive nature of mine, to no longer accept and allow myself to say that I care for someone, when in fact I only fear losing them, due to my negligence in the relationship.

When and as I see myself, thinking that others really care about me, just by saying it, but their actions show different, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the level of gullibility I have existed as throughout my life, falling for a kind word or gesture, when it was just her or him that would reap the benefits, of my acceptance of a false sense of care, which spoke volumes about me wanting to be in a relationship, friendship, partnership that bad, that I would compromise who I am by condoning the things they did. In fact, it being my fault in the matter, when things didn’t work out the way I thought they would/should, so I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to fall for the word I care about you, from other, as I see/realize/understand these words are superficial and said from a starting point of wanting something for someone and/or maintaining a point of comfortability that is experienced with this, that or the other person.

I commit myself to no longer use the words I care about you to manipulate others into liking me or doing thing for me, as I have experienced the same being done to me which is not pretty.

I commit myself to no longer taking things to heart and getting caught up in a web of lies, because I choose to lie down in a bed of comfort with someone, who told me that they care about me and so I condoned it, but instead to confront what it is that I’m condoning within myself first, then about this person and with this person, to see if the starting point is that of Real Care, or is it to fulfill one’s own wants/needs/desires, and if it’s the latter to make hast to leave the place.

When and as I see myself, condoning that which I see within someone that doesn’t resonate with me, but I accept it for a few moments of self-enjoyment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this condonation, serves as the damnation to the person in question, mean I’m doing more harm than good by condoning what they do to themselves, I mean where’s the care in that, by letting them keep falling and destroy themselves, because I don’t want to lose the comfortability I get from what they do for me, is being as assessor to the consequence to be faced and experienced by the both of us.

I commit myself to no longer leading others on, down the path headed for self-destruction, being that this shows my own self-destructive nature, that I condone within myself that has to stop, but instead to look within myself and see what I’m not allowing within me, to not allow/condone it within anyone else, that I’m figuratively close to, or getting to know.

When and as I see myself, condoning the things I have done myself, wanting to relive or repeat them, when similar moments reoccur in my life, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that these things that I’ve condone has been the downfall and catapult to the self-destructive ways I have lived my life, where I have abdicated my responsibility to life for selfish reasons, and had no idea that I was living self-less (with no recollection of who self really is), So, I commit myself to staying on the path of self-investigation/self-realization/self-introspection and intimacy, to get to the point of condoning only that which is assisting and supporting to me and my process, my life and that which is best for all life, always in all ways.

Thanks for reading.


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