Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 09 Mar 2017, 19:17

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... esentment/

Day 540: Hidden Resentment

Telling yourself that I’m over it is not a solution or resolve to the way you feel about someone who’ve done you wrong in some way or another in the past. We tell ourselves Yes, I forgive them, but then when we’re alone by ourselves, looking back at the situation, we tend to forget our placement in the matter, meaning putting our self in the position of allowance for such thing to happen to us, I mean is it really all their fault for doing what they did? It could be in some cases, but if you hadn’t gone through that experience, would you be better or worse, is the question we chose to manipulate when answering it to ourselves, then later on tell ourselves; “Man if I wouldn’t have gone through that, I would be in a different space right now, meaning (simply), less aware of things if this wouldn’t have happened.

Especially life changing experiences, where by you going through it and/or someone putting you through it at the same time while going through a transition in your life, ends up all the better for it, and we recognize this to ourselves, but then in the back of our minds looms the resentment of; “But they didn’t have to do me like that though” or “The way they treated me was completely unacceptable”, although I’m in a much better place now = I haven’t as of yet gotten over it completely, I mean you can see this person and have a normal conversation with them, even go out with them (maybe) lol, doesn’t mean that the resentment of what you hold within yourself about what they did to you is gone, on the surface it may seem so, but underneath the façade we really resent this person.

I guess we deem it easier to keep the blame factor alive and bring it up as a talking point when someone else has a gripe against this person as well, by saying things like; “You don’t know the half of what they did to me” and accept the point of gossip more than the point of forgiveness, simply because we haven’t forgiven ourselves and let this memory and the point of resentment go unconditionally.

And every now and then we Re-Send a Mental projection of damnation towards them (Re-sent-ment), secretly saying; “Damn you for doing this to me”, spiting their existence in a way, but then turn around when you need them, claiming; “It’s all good”, that’s my boy’ or She’s still my friend though”, it’s a wonder how we keep up this game, going from resentment to mentally draining ourselves to falling asleep with a chip on our shoulder, then waking up refreshed because we let our mind rejuvenate itself with new, more efficient Whitty way to get back at them without them knowing, then feed off of the energy that comes with it, claiming I feel good today for some reason, not realizing that good feeling comes from resentment and is detrimental to our well-being in the long run.

Running away from seeing the gratitude in what you’ve been through, that made you a stronger person today, has the capacity of catapulting you back knee deep in the shit you once pulled yourself out of and through to back standing again, and if you’re not careful a well fed mind possession can do that to you, where you lose all focus on reality and your process, and through resentment you re-send your ass back through the spiteful behavior of another human-being, because first off as it seem we haven’t learned our lesson the first time to be humble and grateful for this experience we’ve been through, and secondly we just manifested this onto our own self again, by harboring “Hidden Resentment” towards the person in question.

The question is what would we want for ourselves, would we want to be forgiven once realized our mistake in the matter, I mean I’m sure it’s probably hard enough for the person who perpetuated this act onto/towards you to live with themselves, to live with what they did to you hanging over their head, especially if you really know this person, so by compounding what they’re currently experiencing with the hidden resentment you hold against them, you become equal to that which you resent them doing unto you and therefore, share the consequences of what happened to you.

Even on a smaller level of let’s say embarrassment, meaning someone, a friend embarrassed you in front of a bunch of people, and the only thing you can think about is getting back at them, so what clouds you mind is this hidden resentment and thought of what you should do at the opportune time to return the favor (so to speak), the consequences will still be the same as if it was on a major level, it doesn’t pay to harbor hidden resentment in Any way, I’ll tell you first hand, haven been on both sides of the coin, where the most recent for me was during this last transition phase in my life =

To be continued…

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Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 11 Mar 2017, 22:26

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ment-pt-2/

Day 541: Hidden Resentment Pt. 2

More Deconstructing –

A composition of an act easy to follow, playing out the emotion of hidden resentment, was the score of my life, creating piece after piece, unaware that I was doing so, because I didn’t realize the power that hidden resentment wills through manifestation, as the song of my life was unfolding, where (for example) you go through a moment of being wronged, but instead of letting it go, you create this resentment around it/towards it/towards the person that did you wrong, holding it so close that it manifest within and as you, sort of like a magnet tattooed on your forehead stating; “Do me wrong, I’ll take it” and no matter how much you try and pull away from the people that’ve done you wrong, more come, for the simple fact that you did learn from it, correct yourself and let it go, meaning there’s a form of ‘do me wrong’ attraction, we have to putting ourselves in the same situation, time and time again.

There’s a saying that goes,; “If you build it, they will come”, meaning if you build up hidden resentment within and as yourself, (they will come), the problems that follow you everywhere you go, until you let go of the grudge you have against others who’ve done you wrong in your past, only then will you truly be able to move forward in your life, make amends to it, make peace with it/them and find that it’s not only better for you, but them as well, I mean imagine a person not having the words to express their sorrow for what they’ve done unto you, let alone don’t know how you would take it, so they don’t say anything and shy away from ever having the conversation with you, but by taking the first step, no matter how hard it may seem, may open the door for them to come clean, correct and change things within their own lives, which is the action behind ‘Doing unto others as you would like to be done unto’ = the real definition of Love.

A relief sensation when feeling the weigh lifted off one’s shoulder, when the shackle of hidden resentment is detached from one’s mind, body and beingness, through self-for-GIFT-ness, and forgiveness, a pattern deconstructed and reconstructed, from resentment to reset, adjust and realign one’s values to that which is best all, always in all ways.

I mean, because if you look at it, it’s actually easier DONE than said, being that, ‘who talks like this’ (first of all), who talks about releasing themselves from the resentment they harbor against others, NO ONE, which is ashamed to see how Digressed we as humanity has become, modelling up and down the runway of life saying look at me, my body and my New clothes, in separation from the fact that we really resent ourselves and the way we look, for forgetting where we came from, so how much easier would it be to forgive someone, because “they know not what they do”, but YOU do?

The first step is never the hardest, but only takes doing.

After having a few dreams about harming the most recent person that “wronged me”, did it take for me to realize that Hey, I was still harboring hidden resentment towards this person, although I had told myself that I was over it, and believed so, until I had another dream with the same underlying point of abuse towards this person again, then knew it was time to investigate further.

I mean the further you go the more that opens up, take childhood for instance where during mine, at one point my words were mistaken for something I wasn’t taking about, and wasn’t able to go to a school party, and resented the fact that this happened and although this resentment only lasted for a moment, a day or two, that’s where it all started, as I carried the idea around of having resentment when certain things didn’t go my way, in my life.


But back to the story at hand, in 2012 I was going through a complete transition in my life, were I moved from Vegas to Cali after losing everything and a breakup. Now beforehand the friend I was to move with, told me how cool it would be and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything, + this, that and the other and everything would be fine, so when I got here, things started off cool for the first 6 months or so, but slowly start deteriorating, where I was treated as if I was a stranger, as if the person I had known me for the last 15 to 20 years did give a rats ass about me, and at times left me starving and so on and so forth. Meanwhile at the same time was when I joined the forum and started doing the DIP Lite course, which I can honestly say stopped me from reverting back into the monster I used to be, so after a few years of this I started becoming a bit more independent, but still was living in a warehouse where he put me and for most part made the best I could of it, while he lived next door at his place with everything one could have and need, he had and wasn’t sharing, and obviously there’s much more to this story that I’m not mentioning on purpose! Point being, I endured this treatment, but had built up this resentment within and as me that was so strong, for the simple fact that, there was/is nothing I could do about it, being that he had been my friend for the last 15 to 20 years, plus I had no were else to go, and top it off, I was now walking Process.

So, I mean we had conversations but after a few argumentative one, we sort of stayed out of each other’s way, but when we had to talk everything was cordial, I mean by then the damage was already done per se, and at the same time I was going the emotional turmoil with just learning process, trying not to react, into reacting at times, then going into one mind possessions after another, about the whole situation, plus I was stuck in this warehouse that I made in a home, all alone, with the walls talking to me, so YES I was experiencing some major resentment towards this Cat (Guy).

During that time I was saving up, and ended up getting on my own two feet, with a car and looking for my own place, then found a house and moved away and the resentment I had seemed to subside, but it was more like I suppressed it, hid it within me, where only during conversation with mutual friend, did I bring up as a talking point about this guy and what I went through, which only went so far, cause in my mind it was all his fault, but as I continue walking my process I started seeing/looking at things differently, where I started realizing, man if I wouldn’t have gone through this, I wouldn’t be where I am currently and slowly this resentment start turning into a reset of my life and values, but every now and then it would rear its head, hence the dreams I was having.

Funny thing, after I wrote the previous blog, just so happen yesterday I happen to run into this guy after almost a year of not seeing each other, where we had a cordial conversation, shook hand and as he started walking off, I called him back and said; “Hey I just wanted to say, that in relations to the past, I’ve harbored this Hidden resentment towards you, so I’m asking you to please forgive me for harboring resentment towards you for what we went through in the past”. He then looked surprised and begin to smile, with a sudden loss for words and said, that’s what’s up as I shook hand and then a few more words, we went our separate ways. With that I felt this weigh of sorts lifted off my shoulder and realized, what we go through in a way is purposeful, but by harboring hidden resentment, stops us from seeing the Gift in the matter.

To be continued…

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Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 13 Mar 2017, 22:35

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 2-hidden-r…self-forgiveness/

Day 542: Hidden Resentment (Self-Forgiveness)

Have you ever played Hide and go seek where NO one ever found you, where they look all around in the obvious places, (on the surface) but you’re not there, and then because you’ve hidden yourself so well, they get bored with the game and want to give up/not play anymore, and you to, because they’re taking too long to find you, and no one know the depths of your hiding ability, so because there’s too much work involved in uncovering the location you’ve placed yourself in = game over, I quit, “I give up, you win, let’s play something else now”.

Same as the game we play in our minds, where we’ll hide a problem deep within us, such as hidden resentment, then resent the fact that we’re facing more problems than a little bit, then go seeking for the solution somewhere out there, outside of ourselves, but never find it, so the first things we do is become bored, want to give up, when looking for a resolve, because we’ve found and corrected the surface layer of things, but still face more problems, I mean “I quit, because I just can’t seem to find the solution, because it’s buried deep, right next to the problem, the only place we don’t want to look at and face again, within ourselves

(Tis the same with everything we suppress and hide), so for this;

Referencing Day 540

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told myself that I’m over it, as a solution or resolve to the way I felt about someone who’ve did me wrong in some way or another in my past, but wasn’t really over it, instead I suppressed it as a hidden form of resentment against them for what they’ve done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have said to myself and others that I forgive them, but when I’m all alone by myself, when looking back at the situation, I tend to forget my placement in the matter, where I’ve put myself in the position of allowance for such thing to happen to me,, claiming that it’s all their fault, not realizing if I hadn’t gone through this experience I would be worse off today than I am now walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated the question of, would I be better or worse, if this wouldn’t have happened to me, within myself, insinuating that I would be better in front of other people, then later on tell myself; “Man if I wouldn’t have gone through that, I would be in a different space right now, meaning less aware of things, if this wouldn’t have happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recognize the betterment of me going through, being put through hell during this last transition in my life, but in the back of my mind looms the resentment of “but they didn’t have to do me like that through”, and “The way they treated me was completely unacceptable”, although I’m in a much better place now = I haven’t as of yet gotten over it completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have still held hidden resentment towards this person, when seeing them and having a normal conversation with them, thinking that just because I’m able to talk to them, then resentment was gone, and on the surface, it seemed so, but underneath the façade, I really resented this person, believing that I’m unable to let it go, so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I wasn’t able to let go of the hidden resentment I held of this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this resentment within and as me, towards this person, thinking that it’s easier to keep the blame factor alive and bring it up as a talking point with someone else who has a gripe against this person as well, by saying things like, “You don’t know the half of what they did to me”, I accepted the point of gossip more than the point of forgiveness, simply because I haven’t forgiven myself and let this memory and the point of resentment go, unconditionally, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose gossip over self-correction/self-responsibility and self-forgiveness, keeping the door open for other problems to surface in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that through, harboring this hidden resentment, I am running away from seeing the gratitude in what I’ve been through, that made me a stronger person today, which have the capacity of catapulting me back, knee deep in the shit I once pulled myself out of and through, to back standing again, where if I’m not careful, a well fed mind possession could do that to me, where I would then again lose all focus of reality, my process and through resentment re-send my ass back through to the spiteful behavior of another human-being, because as it seem, I haven’t learned my lesson the first time, to be humble and grateful for this experience I’ve been through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the inequality I perpetuated towards the person in question, when not asking myself the question of what would I want for myself, realizing that I would want to be forgiven, once I realized my mistake in the matter, I didn’t consider how hard it may be for this person to live with themselves, to live with what they did to me, hanging over their head, (being that this person is a friend of mind and we will/have to communicate), so by compounding what they’re currently experiencing, with the hidden resentment I held against them, I have become equal to that which I resent them doing unto me and therefore would share the consequences of what happened to me.

Referencing Day 541

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life Not learn from the mistake I made, in relations to Not letting go of the hidden resentment I harbored towards others that has done me wrong, and ended up facing the same thing being done to me, time and time again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this hidden resentment I built up within and as me, is like a magnet to problems following me everywhere I went throughout my life, until I let go of the grudge I have against others who’ve done me wrong in the past, where only then will I truly be able to move forward in my life, through self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that I was still harboring this hidden resentment towards this specific person in my life, that I thought I had gotten over, until I had a few dream of me abusing this person and causing consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into it with a specific person in my dream that has wronged me in my life, not realizing that this dream was showing me how this resentment I had for this person is really towards myself, that I haven’t gotten over things in my past that I let linger/fester in my mind, so with the next opportunity I had to blame someone for things going on in my life, I took it towards this situation and this person and protected the blame under the guise of hidden resentment, when in fact it was all about what I did and didn’t do in my life that has placed me in the position I was in the first place when this person acted them-self out towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the fact that I didn’t handle my life correctly, where I didn’t take full responsibility for who I was within my life, and let things go the way they did, then abdicated my responsibility, by resenting what someone has done unto me, as an excuse/justification to the point of me giving up on seeking a solution for correcting myself and my life.

Additional Self-Forgiveness on Resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the way I was raised in the depths of religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent not being able to go to a school party growing up, when what I said was misinterpreted, but as a child soon got over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resented others for not following through with their word, when in fact I have done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held resentment towards my parents for the way I was raised, instead of realizing the moral values they instilled within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held resentment against my Ex in a past relationship, when we broke up, instead of realizing my fault as well in the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let resentment limit me in my life from getting to know others, because of thinking of the way I let others treat me, that I couldn’t let go of, then assuming that the next person would do/be the same, so I close myself off to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have at times resented myself for not speaking up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the fact the I wasn’t as good as others doing certain things, instead of gifting myself the know how to learn and practice to do what they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the point of gullibility I have within me, instead of correcting and changing this point, to living the words, Stability/Grounded-ness/Here-ness and Awareness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see self-resentment as a form of judgement in judging myself for the things I didn’t do, wasn’t able to do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let resentment be the veil in which I hide behind to not face, correct, change myself and/or see that I’m better off haven went through things in my life, verses if I hadn’t gone through them.


What I realize is that any and all resentment I have towards others, is me harboring resentment towards myself, in a way where I’m all clogged up, full of memories that play out, as the excuses of my life in letting myself haven gone through what I have, without taking my response ability to change/correct what I was experiencing, that would have altered my life until today, so the correction being the investigation needed within myself to let go of the idea of myself and memories I have of my past, ‘down time’ unconditionally and to live my life from this moment forward, So I commit myself to standing up from within the resentment I have hidden within myself about myself, for the way I have disregarded my body and life, for the things I have done unto myself, for the positions I have placed myself in and for the excuses I’ve made to not have to face me, correct and change, that in which I have become to who I am as life. None of this would be possible if I hadn’t investigated, Desteni.org

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 15 Mar 2017, 22:02

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... eriencing/

Day 543: Looking Vs Experiencing

Pulling up a chair with a bag of popcorn watching life pass you by, often times seem better than actually participating in it, being that of an observer verses being a participant, seem to be a safe way of looking at thing, the same as looking for something to say, instead of saying what it is that you are experiencing, where the statement comes up of, how do I put into words what it is that I’m experiencing, while remaining articulate at the same time, I mean is there such a thing as being to articulate, or will my Rant & Rave suffice , the same as, how do I participate in life, when it’s moving too fast; As

The starting point of who is it all for, I once read in a blog, who is the point of your existence, with the answer being YOU, which should be the starting point of everything we do, but as soon as someone else comes in to this equation in our minds, we lose focus on our reality and get caught up in a world of wonder, meaning, I wonder what They think about what I wrote, (In other words) I wonder what would They think if I participate in life, which will eventually turn into “do they like me”…, giving up our right to self-perseverance all in a split second, where we split ourselves in between whether or not to do what it is that we’re trying to do, to experience what it is that we would like to experience, so we end up watching from the sideline, full of conflicting emotion on where to jump in, as if we’re playing double Dutch jump rope, with our minds holding the cords, in which case we’ll never be on one accords with ourselves, because we’d rather Look instead of Experience.

The experience I’m having is keeping up with rectifying the pattern within me as they come up and oh boy it’s a lot of them, and there are time where I look at them in marvel, like man this is what I existed as, this is how I have defined myself in my life in this existence, and since I’m becoming aware of myself more and more, doesn’t make it any easier to get through, but the constant consistency of a push is an experience I’ve become use to, and if just so happen I find myself wavering back into the looking glass that I’m so accustom to, I start losing focus, then drifting into my mind, where mistakes happen and I’ve already made enough mistakes equivalent to 10 life time +, so I must stay within the experience of participating in deconstructing these patterns or else I’ll find myself back knee deep in the shit I’m currently pulling myself out of, so;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up in the experience of being a good looker, instead of participating in the corrections needed that life shows me, oh so subtly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still from time to time perpetuate the experience of being a fence sitter, instead of getting down off of the fence and cleaning up the shit of a mess I’ve made of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, have would rather sit back and watch life pass me by, instead of participating in it, within it, as it, to becoming it, life as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become to use to the solace of my own vices, meaning my egotistical way to ever want to change them, instead of realizing that my ego will one day take its revenge on me and leave me stranded to face the consequences for what I’ve done onto other, for who I pushed away from me life, for the abuse I’ve caused life through my neglect and disregard of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my vision when looking at others differently than I would look at myself, instead of seeing the similarities of the human, being me as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the man in the mirror, instead of embracing, the reflection of myself, shown to me by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have enjoyed the experience of chasing after an energetic rush of a high that conflictual situation bring, instead of condemning this conflict within and as me to oblivion, through writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from experiencing life as who I am, due to the work it takes for me to become life. I often time relate it to time, in thinking that it would take up too much of my time, instead of realizing, the faulty starting point of me saying this needs to be corrected into understanding I’ve done the same thing for Eons, life after life, after life, after life, so in relations to time, this one lifetime is but a walk in the park, when I commit myself to changing me, so I commit myself to changing me in this one life time that I have left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to be articulate to be able to change, instead of realize the excuse within the point of needing to be something, defining myself as something outside of myself, instead of experiencing that in which I think I need to be, I taking my time to redefining the words that I speak, which is a point of taking out all the ticks from within this system as me, so that I’m able to amalgamate with my Human Physical Body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgo the point of my existence as me, that would give way to all the personalities I’ve created and lived out through characters as me, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I’ve designed this experience for myself, for me as life, so why not, live life for me, to stop these character and personalities and become a person who respects life, into doing that which is best for all life, always in all ways. I commit to changing me.

So, you see the experience is always greater experiencing it than it looks, being that with experiences comes the understanding of Self and once you’ve investigate what you experience, you’ll start looking and seeing to realize with your real-eyes the lies that’s been spread, under the guise of freedom and happiness, that has blinded us from really looking at what has always been right in front of us, that being the experience of life. Investigate Desteni.org to have an experience of a life time.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
Posts: 673
Joined: 15 Sep 2013, 22:52
Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 17 Mar 2017, 19:51

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... sumptions/

Day 544: Mistaken Assumptions

Just because someone is not dressed to your level of afford-ability, doesn’t mean that they’ll come up and ask you for money, things are not what they seem nowadays, the wolf in sheep’s clothing has traded it in for a tuxedo, so to speak, where everything is right out in the open, with little to no discretion, but the mistaken assumptions aspect comes in when you judge someone for/by the way they look, what they have on, then turn around and realize that there’s more than meet the eye, as the age old saying goes; “You can’t judge a book by its cover”.

This also shows a level of deception, where one would purposefully make oneself up to be looked at and/or to be accepted as what their presentation entails by other, thinking/believing that if it looks the part, it must be, which is never really the case, and in some cases, could be life changing for those who believe in the illusion they see.

Now, as far as the point of taking things for face bases as a mistaken assumption, has become pretty obvious to me, where when it comes to falling for the pretty girl, with the cute smile and nice clothes on, I used to fall for it everytime, but now sense walking a process from consciousness to awareness through Desteni, I see it as a waste of time to go into my mind about it, and start imagining being with them as the shear reaction to it, but don’t get me wrong, seeing a pretty girl is cool, but reacting with a vivid imagination to what you see is not, I mean this was a pattern that sabotaged me from ever getting to know a girl/someone for who they really are, unconditionally, but by taking the DIP Lite course Desteni offers, I’m learning to see things for what they really are, without reacting to what I see or assuming them to be something different.

So, as I AM still a work in progress, on the other hand, and what brought this up is, a few times now, I found myself looking at someone differently, while in someplace and/or coming out someplace and assumed they were bums, and both times turned around and saw the differ in them getting into their own nice cars and driving away, on two separate occasions. Seems harmless right, but it isn’t, in order to stop this point of mistaken assumptions and having an assumptive nature, I have to correct this point within and as me, no matter how small it may seem, therefore;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an assumption to the brink of missing the point that we all are one and equal, no matter what we wear as a delusion of grandeur, that tricks the eyes into believe that someone is something that they’re not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the eyes only show the vision of being eternally enslaved eternally, therefore all I see is a shell of a figurine outside of myself that I label an outcast of the system, because of the presentation I’m seeing in my mind, instead of looking beyond the presentation and seeing a reflection of myself as the person in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an excuse of the word mistaken, when all it took was a quick glance out of the corner of my eye to classify another human-being other than what/who they really are, which was done unconsciously on purpose, as consciousness programming following its inherent purpose to divide and conquer, instead of realizing that everything I see is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that just because of what a person wearing, makes them a bum, and that this bum in my mind will ask me for money, instead of realizing, this imaginary bum in my mind, may have more money than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money control my perception of other human being, if they are not dressed to what society deems as acceptable, stable, normal and independent. What is that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined independency in the context of a person dressed in nice clothes, instead of realizing that comfortability comes within the prerogative of what a person chose to wear, that independency is but a vague word to use in such a case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give too much of my attention away to other people, where I have a tendency to separate myself from them, before seeing myself as them, so within that I commit to practicing when I see others, to first and foremost say that’s me, as a real-time application to stop me from going into my mind, into judgment and making an ass or Me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a level of deception around what have chosen to wear at times throughout my life, thinking/believing that if I looked the part, I must be the part of whatever I was trying to present myself as, at that time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that, play on the assumptions of others to look at me as something different than what I was, and when it didn’t happen, become frustrated at myself for not doing a good enough job in presenting myself as this character I created, then next time jump into another character suit to see if it fit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not seen myself as a character through the eyes of another, but instead would rather turn the other cheek to not face and correct my own reflection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have thought my judgement of others was harmless, instead of realizing the harm I was doing to myself, which eventually caused me to second guess my reality, because all the judgment I perpetuated onto/towards others was inherently of myself.

So, within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this mistaken assumptions that I exist as, is but an excuse to validate the judgment I’ve placed onto myself. No more excuses, but excuse me for thinking too much.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 19 Mar 2017, 18:44

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... imidation/

Day 545: Intimidation

The loud talk, the screaming, the fear, the dirty looks and rumors that we hear, In -Timid- I live my-Day and at nights I have nightmares, I shy away from people that’s bigger than me, looks different than me, that’s a different color than me, I mean they look so angry, but if I wasn’t so timid, I would open my mouth and say something to them, I mean what’s really stopping me from figuring them out? They intimidate me, but why and how, how many Movies hare you watched up until Now, that made me feel this way?

Have you ever notice that one aspect of intimidation only comes up when you really want to interact with someone, or really want to do something that you haven’t before, or have no choice but to do, because of your position placement, were really the only stopping factor is that of being the first time we’ve ever longed to do something/had to do something, that you haven’t done before, and our perception of what the outcome would be, is what fuels the desire for us to do it, (in most cases) but first we have to get through the In-Timid-I live my-Day phase of it, like talking to a Big Black guy lol, or walking through a group of bad ass High school Student, to say the least.

Why do the size of a person play a major factor in whether or not you’ll talk to someone or not, simply because fear exist, but it really doesn’t, only the memory of what you’ve seen/heard and/or was taught to believe exist within you, and because of the dramatic nature of what the memory entails, exists as, you don’t want what was played out in the memory to happen to you, bringing up the Intimidation aspect within it?

You can also hear the word Hate, within the word intimidation, where I really hate being timid, but don’t know how to get over it, in which case breathing is the first thing that will assist you to walk through it, interestingly enough 99% of the time putting ourselves through this intimidation is all for nothing, but how would we know this if we don’t push ourselves to walk through it first, as another easier DONE than said thing or thought about, because once we start thinking about it too much, we’ll slip on the eggshells we’re walking on, right off a cliff and into a life of avoidance, where we start to avoid any and everything our mind tells us that we should be afraid of, which is one of the reasons why War exist, because we become intimidated to the IDEA we’ve created in our mind of something possibly happening to us, by this other group of people we don’t know anything about, so we create/make up these scenario in our minds and feed them to our societies, claiming that our way of life is in jeopardy, as we begin to feel threatened and then be the first to act on our assumptions, enslaving a nation with intimidation, all because we’ve become intimidate by the Idea we’ve created in our mind, and spread through the world, i.e. the war of terror

Then you have being scared into looking intimidating, where at one point in your life you were either bullied and/or got the shit scared right out of you, so in order to avoid this happening in the future, we start Juicing or taking steroids to get bigger, finding subtle way of changing our bodies to look mean/tough/aggressive, intimidating, as a shell on the outside to deter anyone from messing with us, but on the inside, still exist the same fear as before, goes to show, no matter how much you change your appearance, if you have not corrected this fear within and as you, your size/look won’t matter, meaning size/looks is not a correction to fear and intimidation, only a temporary suppression of it, until you come across someone whose bigger and more bad than you, then see the reflection of yourself through the actions of another, intimidating you.

Through words is one of the most prolific ways we intimidate other, stemming from our parents aggressively telling us what to do, but the intimidation only come after we don’t do what it is they want us to do, then get punished for it, so that the next time they say something, we’re intimidated by the picture we see in our head of being punished, that can stay with one throughout a life time, into adulthood, to now when someone says something, we cower afraid that we might be punished if we don’t adhered to what they said, then use it towards our spouse (these words of intimidation), but for most part won’t really follow through with what we said, that if you don’t do this or that, I’ll do this, I mean you should test it out to see what it is that’s limiting your relationship with your partner, and the most saddest thing is when we turn this intimidation back onto our children, knowing that they’re defenseless, we say things like; “I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out”, all because they rebel against our enslavement tactics.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 21 Mar 2017, 20:09

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... tion-pt-2/

Day 546: Intimidation Pt. 2

Interesting point of a look, is when you are unaware of your facial expressions in the moment then find that someone was intimidated be the look on your face, although your intentions wasn’t as such. This was the case for me, plenty of time where people would tell me, you look intimidating, and it would surprise me, like “Really”, then I would notice the look I had on my face, like wow, that being one way I have Faced the intimidation factor, as the intimidator or sorts, as an adult, but as a child it was in reverse, where. I would be intimidated by the loud talking person, simply because I didn’t want to be embarrassed by them, were I would then get anger and want to do something about it, so I would stay away from those loud talking people.

Another interesting point of intimidation was of those who always wanted to fight, I mean there were a lot of those running around when I was in grade school, not that I didn’t know how to fight, but I was scared of getting hit, then going berserk, I mean because I was a Christian and that’s not the way a good Christian should act lol, plus we took the passage “Turn the other cheek” literally to an extent, at least so I thought, until I got a bit older and learned the amendment that my parents made to it, that of standing your ground and don’t run away from anything, for nothing or face them when I got home, which was the only thing I was really intimidated by, my Parents.

So as it goes, when push comes to shove, you never know the ability you have to overcome something, in this case intimidation, where in elementary school I had this friend who was a bully, who always went around messing with people, come to think about it, if I’m not mistaken, lol he bullied me into being his friend, I mean I was an easy going person, who didn’t like conflict, so I said ok, I’ll be your friend, and so be it, we were friend, the only thing was, he would always get into trouble and try an drag me along with him and if I refused he would want to fight me, but I would just walk away, because he was intimidating.

So one day after school he wanted me to come with him to go do something, and I told him that I had to walk my little sister home, and as we begin to walk, he started following us, saying, “Well, let’s fight then” and of course I said NO, but he kept following us and antagonizing me say, come on let’s fight, so after saying No a bunch of times, I started to ignoring him while keeping an eye out just in case he tried something, so as we got closer and closer to my house, I began to get more nervous that he would come all the way to my house and everyone would see that I was intimidated by him.

Anyway we got about a block away from my house and he said it again, “let fight” , I then said, for the last time No I don’t want to fight you, leave me along, at which time my little sister turned around and said, “You heard what momma said, if you don’t fight him, Ima tell momma when we get home”, I then weighed my option in a split second and turned around and commence to putting it on him, until he ran away, and when we got home my sister didn’t say a word and neither did I, but from that day on, I wasn’t intimidated by this guy any longer, as my first lesson in sticking up for myself.

The point is not to fight your way out of a wet paper bag, because even if you win the fight, the intimidation won’t just disappear, being that what got me into fighting this guy, was the dilemma of either I would face him or my mom when I got home and so, being that my mom had a brown belt in judo, was more intimidating to face then my bully friend.

Although I then grew up knowing that I could handle my own, the intimidation of certain thing still existed within and as me, that has nothing to do with fearing another man physically, but even more simpler than that, I mean the idea of starting a new job could be intimidating to some, meeting new people, definitely is a major profound factor, if not the most profound intimidating factor of them all, which is fear in itself, but also brings up the point of why fear, because of the unspoken about existence of being Spited, meaning intimidation comes up when meeting others, because we fear that there’s a possibility that they could spite us in some way or another, so we throw on our guarded character suit before meeting them, consisting of a slightly frowned face and a tight hand grip when shaking their hand and saying Hello.

Then you have your relationship with the friend you come to know and hang out with, where out of the group of them, there’s always this one that feels that they’re running thing and everybody better do what they say, because if you done they’ll talk about you, belittle you, make you feel bad in front of all the rest of your friends, who’s laughing at his or her jokes about you, because they don’t want to be put on the spot as well, so for most part that’s kind of intimidating, mostly when everyone else is around, but when you’re alone with them. you’re fine, because they don’t have an audience to show off to, so alone they treat you with respect, and at times become all apologetic and shit, and we fall for it every time, claiming they’re our friend though, and that’s just how they are, which really isn’t cool, but we put up with it, until we don’t any longer.

Point being that intimidation comes in all forms, shapes and size that fits, but hurts when you stick your foot into the shoe of intimidation, being intimidated, allowing yourself/myself to be intimidated, which is disempowering to say the least, but one is able to get over this innate fear (intimidation) of others/situations/projects at work and our parents, because when you really look at it, intimidation really don’t exist, only the Idea of “what if” exist in our minds, making it a mental controlling point, by abdicating the point of responsibility from ourselves, to our mind, that shocks us into believing that we should fear this person, that person, this situation or that situation, that we follow oh so blindly into the self-diminishment/inferiority and limitation of ourselves, but the key to resolving this issue (because it’s you) is you, and what I’ve found through walking with Desteni, for the last 3 ½ + years is the tool they offer to be effective ways of releasing oneself, from the control of one’s mind, through Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application in Self-Honesty, where one is then able to step out of the shoes of intimidation and live in our day free from fear. That being said, in the next post I’ll do some Self-Forgiveness on this point of intimidation, that I see may still exist within me, even on the smallest of levels, into correction.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 23 Mar 2017, 20:53

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 7-intimida…self-forgiveness/

Day 547: Intimidation (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my day being timid, in fear of things that I’ve heard and saw in general and of others that would lock me in a cocoon of emotions, shying away from interacting and/or participating in and within situations and people in my world and reality, showing me a reflection of myself that I didn’t want to see, thus calling this fear, intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the word intimidation as a projection onto/towards someone else, for being the reason why I don’t interact and/or participate with them during certain ventures or in life in general, making them the cause, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that any projection is a reflection coming from me, meaning I exist as the fear I don’t want to see, when looking at things for face bases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engrained preprogrammed images within and as me, that society deems as acceptable and pleasing to the eye of others as approachable, but then use the reverse images of others as a negative point of intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it anyone else fault but my own, for the experience of myself as being intimidated by the way a person looks, instead of realizing that looks can be deceiving, believing that the outcome of any interaction would mirror the scenario I’ve created in my mind on how this would playout, if I were to… which nine out of ten cases being completely different than my perception of the person, I’m intimidated by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a part of me, represented externally in front of me, in separation from myself, as something to be feared, intimidated by, because I’m not used to seeing me in this form of presentation, instead of seeing all and everything as me, as a part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had an Idea of how things should go, be and/or look in my life according to my personality, my personal-exceptions, stemming from the environment I was raised in and how things were, so anything outside of these limitation that I’ve placed myself within, would then be considered as intimidating, all because I’ve veiled myself away from the plight of the world, in one little corner of the world, with only me and my family, friends and/or group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have limited myself to living within a level of comprehension, based on the knowledge and information I retained growing up, that I have structured as the belief system I would live by, so anything outside of that, I saw as intimidating and scrutinized to keep this belief system alive and fresh in my mind, instead realizing to investigate all things and keep that which is good, that would break the chains of limitation and set me free, to learn who I really am as life and live accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to due to having a fear of others, I wanted to present myself as a point of intimidation, so that others wouldn’t approach me and/or leave me alone, instead of realize that I would soon get what I wished for, even if it was on a minor level, that of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have within this, embedded the look of intimidation onto my face, which in a way repelled others away from me, although it wasn’t my intentions to, after the point of wanting to look intimidating, had died down within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea of being intimidated push me inside the box of introversion, where I then only looked at the world through my mind’s eye, with a non-participation clause, secluding myself from ever experiencing the world as how I would have liked to, where I remained for a substantial amount of time in my life, that is until I found Desteni and started clawing myself out and into the reality of correcting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been intimidated by someone being bigger than me, because in my mind the act of fighting came up from the movies I would watch, that would activate the what if character everytime I would pass someone of such in public and on the streets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had the desire, the long for interaction with others at times, but instead I let the intimidation factor override my forward movement, due to the perceive judgment that I would get from them, then walk away from yet another failed attempt to get to know someone, instead of realizing this judgment is of myself, which is asinine to say the least and disempowering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to In-Timid I live my-Day, and in fear I walk away from interacting with and participating in the things I would like to and the people I would like to, because of accepting the pictures attached to the thought that my mind brings up, that would deter me from getting to know myself on an external level, with the things/people I fail to participate in/with.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hated the fact that I’m easily intimidated and live in fear, everytime I walk away from the point of interaction with someone or participation in something, then beat myself up about it to no end, instead of realizing that there is a means to the end, (A way to end this).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been instrument in creating a life of avoidance for myself, due to the idea that one should be afraid of a worst-case scenario happening to me, instead of realizing myself to be the creator of such and all scenarios, meaning why look in the mirror and jump at what you see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been intimidated by the word someone would speak to me, growing up I would take it to heart and tell myself this is a person I should be intimidated by, instead of realizing the majority of loud talker are non-doer and instead of being intimidated to blow it off.

On the same note, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used word of hate and warning, to intimidate others, when all it was, was me fearing what might happen if the situation escalated, and for that to all the being who I ever tried to intimidate through words, I’m sorry and asking you to please forgive me, as this is what fear do, being the intimidated and intimidator, which is really one in the same, so yes amends should be made in order to get over this point of intimidation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in grade school, be intimidated by this bully friend of mine, who if I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do sometimes, he would want to fight me, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back down for most part, that is until he followed me and my little sister from school one day wanting to fight me, where I refuse all the way until a block away from my house, where my little sister then gave me an ultimatum to either fight this guy or face my mother when we got home, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then fight this kid until he ran away, then walked the rest of the way home with my little sister.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trade in one form of intimidation for another, between this guy and my mom, instead of realizing that it was within my power to not fight this guy and to explain to my mother why I didn’t want to fight him, but instead I let the fear of what I perceived would happen on both ends direct the decisions I made, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear into making a consequential decision.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that intimidation is but an idealistic excuse to not face the fear we exist as, the fear that we create in our mind as a perception of what if this, that and/or the other happens to me, if I were to talk to someone, walk passed someone, participate in this, that or the other thing, with someone, and so on and so forth, that drives us into a life of avoidance, when all we have to do is to drop the act and stop reacting to the thoughts that comes up in our minds, to live in time and not for time as a life of wasted time.


So, I commit myself to living the time I have left in my life, not as a waste, drenched by the fear of what if, into a delusional package of intimidation, but instead to create a precedence of stability, in accepting everyone and everything as me, allowing myself to drop the act of fear and be, live, interact and participate in the Here and Now.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 25 Mar 2017, 22:04

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ine-print/

Day 548: The Fine Print

More like the underlying point. If our minds came with an operating manual, do you think we would change the world, or would the manipulation of using it against each other become so great, that we would all just dissipate, simply because we’ve forgot to read the fine print? The bottom line is that, the fine print is that in which you see but don’t read, because you’re enjoying the product too much, so in essence because of our addiction to the product we care less about what the fine print intel’s. Same thing applies to the mind, where because we’re enjoying our lives too much/being connected to the mind, we fail/and don’t want to see what the mind is really showing us, we’d rather participate in our addictive behavior of it.

One of the number one produces the mind has to offer is conflict in the midst of confusion, where what confuses me is that this person acts like they don’t know what I’m talking about, so I create conflict, in order to set them straight, or I become confused when someone lashes out at me, so I create conflict in lashing back at them, to be on the same page with them, that way they don’t lash out at me again. Now the Fine Print within this read, causes consequence in the form of stress/anxiety/high blood pressure and pain in the forehead consisting of a headache. Solution, apply self-forgiveness on reacting to the way others act in your presence.

Another place where we neglect to read the fine print is in relationship, where assumptions become the mother of all fuck ups, here you have a thought, picture and then idea of your partner cheating on you because they didn’t answer the phone when you called a few times, you then go through a world wind of emotions and into a mind possession, where your mind takes complete possession of your imagination, catapulting you straight into reactionary mode, then when you see your partner and go off, just to later on find out they were in the shower, and because you’re so wound up, no apology is given, but instead you walk away looking for something else to get on them about, just to cover up your mishap/mistake. Within that you fail to realize the fine print which states; CAUTION could cause break ups/Separation and/or Divorce, in other word fasten your seatbelt, because things are about to go downhill real fast from there. Solution, when and as you find yourself accepting and allowing the thought to come up of your partner cheating on you, STOP and breath, then apply self-forgiveness on your assumptions before your mind gets out of hand and you find yourself all alone, looking to rinse and repeat in the next relationship.

Within religion the fine print is hidden in plain sight, being that of a fictional stories outcome. Most are born into it (as I was) , treated with scare tactics to initially keep you there, and if you conform, up comes the glamor and glitz in the form of streets paved with gold (as if you can spend it), where in my house there are many mansions (because you’re poor, it resonates) where you can drink from the river of eternal life, but all you have to do is to abdicate your responsibility in giving up your life Here in service of the church, that teaches you to be a poor righteous teacher and to love thy neighbor, unless your neighbor have a different belief system than you, in which case call him the devil, because he’s going to Die and go straight to Hell, but stay Positive because when Jesus comes back, you’ll get caught up in the rapture. Fine Print = Place story next to Geppetto and Pinocchio in the storybook, be careful will cause one to miss out on the finer things in life, as life itself. Solution; Investigate all things and keep that which is good, and not of self-interest – to realize that to be a Believer is to Be-a-Liar, to be that much further away from the truth of who you really are, as the God you Worship. Apply self-forgiveness on giving your power away to any entity outside of yourself, realizing that you are responsible for everything you do, and that no one ever have (in a Million years) or will come and save you from the mess you’ve made of your-self and this world, so it’s time to drop the act and get real with yourself.

To understand what the fine print intel’s, one must investigate one’s reaction in oneself to the situations in your life that comes up from time to time and the consequential outflow would be the fine print, from the headaches, the pain and the breakups, to nothing ever working right in your life, into repeating the same thing over and over again, so for starters;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to read/understand the fine print in things as the consequences I face for participating in my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions causing me to react without questioning why I am experiencing myself the way I do, in certain situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given myself stress and anxiety as the fine print to worrying too much about a predicted outcome, that would never come in my life, due to making it all up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have worshiped an entity outside myself, not realizing the fine print would be that of creating a warship within myself, fighting a losing battle with my mind, going back and forth, from character to character to see which one fit, and in the end, none of them ever would.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, within the conflict I created within my life, the fine print would be that of causing consequences for myself as well as others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by having a one-track mind, I would face the consequence, (as the fine print written) of limitation, where I believe I was at the peak of my understanding, which in turn showed that I wasn’t leaning on my own understanding, but only follow/wallowing in the knowledge and information I got from books and hearing things from other, that I didn’t take, investigate and live for myself first.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the fine print within everything I do, but instead have lived my life without correction, that would have corrected my core self into the awareness of what all the fine print in life read as, to reach and express my utmost potential as a human being.


So, I commit myself to continue to investigate who I am in relations to the fine print I sometimes overlook as the failure to seeing/realizing/understand that the consequences I face is brought on by none other than me/myself and I. Read the Fine Print.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 27 Mar 2017, 19:03

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 49-regret/

Day 549: Regret

How many times have you said the words; “I can’t believe what I did”, “Only if I would have…”, that caused some form of consequence in one way of another in your life, that the Idea comes up of wanting to go back and Re-Get yourself back into the same or similar situation as before and walk the realizations of what you are now seeing as a correction to a past mistake/decision/fuckup, that if you would have known the outcome of what you’re currently facing and/or had to walk through, you would have done things differently, while knowing you can’t go back and change the past?

In some way of another, I’m sure most of humanity is guilty of this as I am, being the Regret we now face and live with, by choice and I’m saying by choice because at any point, we have the ability to drop this Regret consisting of the memory we keep recharging and bringing back up within and as us, that keeps this Regret fresh, vibrant and alive in our minds, into sullking and wanting a do-over, no matter the situation, we created it and have to live with it, thing is we’re constantly going back and recreating the same situation over in our minds first, and then in our reality, soon to find that we’ve made the same mistake again, then back into the experience of Regret again, wondering why we can’t seem to get over this point.

Although Regret as a headline in most every failed relationship, it’s still overlooked as a cause to any future failed relationships we have, being that if we still harbor regret within and as us about our past relationship, means we’re not over it as of yet, and so drag this baggage into the next one and then the next.

Most all the relationships I’ve been in, afterwards, I’ve experienced some form of regret, even if it was in the slightest way, regret was still present, interesting fact is that, I thought over time this regret would just vanish into thin air, so to speak, meaning if I didn’t see them I would forget about them and the regret would just wash itself away, which wasn’t the case, all I was doing was suppressing this regret within me even more so, everytime I would jump into another relationship.

A little about Regret, being that of and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors, which is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so. The feeling of disappointment is also closely associated with regret, but as I have experienced it, more on a personal towards myself level, where let’s say you’ve changed something about yourself and then in looking back on it, you become disappointed with yourself by the way you acted and/or behaved, I mean this too is not constructive to one’s well-being, but destructive in the sense of beating myself up about it, as a waste of time that can be used for self-investigation into self-correction, instead of shame mongering, it’s ashamed how we monger in fear, when realizing our participation as one half of a failed relationship with someone, but it’s not about them, it’s about who will you be, from this moment forward.

Regret is no walk in the park that you can just say Vamoose to and it’ll disappear, because it has a sneaky way of hiding itself and coming up at the wrong time as the Ego of Disempowerment, I mean it sticks with you like glue that needs to be scrapped off, layer by layer in order to get over that something or someone, and here’s where the trickiness comes in, you might not even be experiencing regret at all, but instead accessing a memory of a past cool/good time you’ve had doing something or with someone, that disguises itself as Regret but it’s not, thing is to investigate the feeling that comes up when accessing this memory in which you think is regret, in order to see the self-manipulating factor within it all.

Even saying, I regret that I didn’t start my process earlier, when I first found Desteni, is a form of escapism into self-judgment and doesn’t make regretting a cool thing, as I have experienced this form of regret as well, what happened is I then started going into comparison with others who’ve started before me, then into I wish I would have been there from the beginning, not realizing that this beginning I was currently at, was exactly where I was supposed to be, I mean who knows but yourself that where and when you started your process was the best for you, the difference is, actually there is not difference, between me, you and anyone else, point being that we’ve all started and are walking our processes, so when the mind brings up the Regret (in relation to process), just know you’re doing something right by walking your process.

Funny this was, being knee deep in shit/within the patterns I perpetuated and lived out, Regret really didn’t have any place, because if I did something fucked up, I would just move on to the next fucked up thing, saying to myself; “Oh well, better luck next time”, which was an easy way for me to push down/suppress any emotions I had about certain things, before they had the chance to come up completely within and as me, sort of like a defense mechanism, maintaining a perception of myself in front of other, to never let them see me sweat or cry, while in the meantime gracefully getting older, as I watched the first grey hair pop up on my chin, lol.

Oddly enough I’ve defined Regret emotional base as remorse, sadness and shame, but this remorse, sadness and shame had to do with the memory of not being able to do something anymore that I enjoyed much at the time, because of something I’ve done. For example in my early 20’s, there was this specific chub I would go to every weekend like clockwork, but something had happened where I wasn’t able to go there an longer, the proper term would be, being 86 from the club, so when the next weekend came, I was fine, but soon started feeling a sense of regret that I was a part of whatever happened that got me 86 from the club, but this regret was more like, thinking about the good times I had there and the potential good times I was missing out on, so this was more of a sadness that I wouldn’t be experiencing those good times again, instead of a genuine shame of what I had done to place myself in this situation and position in the first place.

Point being with Regret, one sees where one have made the mistake, that one is now facing the consequences for, and the complete correction will only come when one as opened up this point and investigated back within one’s past, the regret that one has faced throughout one’s life, back to the beginning from the first regret I’ve ever experienced, then use the tools of correction to release oneself from the regret I still have looming over my head.

To be continued…


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