Anthony Field's Journey to Life

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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 21 Sep 2014, 10:11

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Day 294 - 'To be honest..'

So, I had this realisation the other day. I had said to another person 'To be honest...something, something.' I can't actually remember the exact context that I had used at that time and the phrasing that I used in terms of 'to be honest', I've nonetheless used the term 'to be honest' to say something in which I feel like I MUST say those words to show the honesty within my words that I say thereafter, after saying 'to be honest'. So, quick example, I might say to someone 'To be honest, I hate John.' < example, I know no John's, lol.

So, I just mean in terms of that, and that's what I've noticed as I say that, it's like..in that moment as I speak those words, it's like a tool and a conclusion to prove to the person that I'm saying it to that I'm being 100% completely honest with myself, and with them. So......now I look at the times where I DON'T say 'to be honest' blah blah blah. Which is in fact the MAJORITY of the time. I don't know about others, but in my case, I RARELY say 'to be honest'. And because of that, it gives off the impression to myself and those around me that in those times where I do NOT say 'to be honest', I'm in fact NOT being HONEST.

You know, I'm sure nobody sees it like that, I mean, I never had my whole entire life until the other day as I said. I suppose one reason being is that I rarely say 'to be honest' within any context/sentence that I say to another person.

SO, all in all, I'm going to NOT say 'to be honest' at all anymore, because to me it is pointless. If I am truly honest in each breath I take, within each step that I make, then why do I have to validate myself or validate an honest 'aura' around myself by speaking the words 'to be honest'? I don't. I can (for example) just say 'I dislike John'. I don't have to say 'To be honest, I dislike John'. I'm already walking my process within self-honesty and each word I speak to another and also within my writings is honest/self-honest. Side note: Disliking people is not cool, that is something that someone has to work/write out within themselves as to stop reactions within disliking someone, just a random example I thought of.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to express validation/honesty towards myself/another by voicing/typing the words 'to be honest' before then specifying what I feel needs validation within self-honesty for another to then believe me or to make sure that another trusts my words.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that through all the times I have NOT voiced the words 'to be honest', that then shows that I'm NOT honest in those times, and it shows that only in the moments/words that I use when saying 'to be honest' am I TRULY self-honest/honest to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I am truly self-honest within myself and honest with others, then I do NOT need to speak the words 'to be honest', as I am in fact honest within each breath that I take, and within each word that I speak to another/in my writings, as I see, realise and understand that self-honesty is KEY to progress within my own process, and also in relation to my progress when talking to others.

When and as I see myself speaking the words 'to be honest' in any given situation as a means of 'validating' my honesty to another person, I stop and breathe. I realise that as I am now self-honest within myself at ALL times, then I automatically can speak honesty to another without feeling the need to validate honesty through speaking those words 'to be honest'.

When and as I see myself not realising that self-honesty/honesty are KEY, I stop and breathe. I realise that both in terms of my writing process/practical process and application, and talking to others, too, honesty is important, as it assists me, and changes me into what is best for all life, through self-honesty.

Within this, I realise that to not be self-honest/honest, is to then suppress myself towards myself/others.

I commit myself to walk each step within my process and to walk within each breath within my process within SELF-HONESTY.

I commit myself to therefore NOT feel the need to validate honesty within myself/to others by expressing the words 'to be honest' as a means of someone trusting me within the context that I give 'to be honest' - I therefore commit myself to ALWAYS be self-honest/honest which in turn gives me NO reason to say 'to be honest' in ANY given context/sentence/scenario, as I am living self-honesty within myself.

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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 22 Sep 2014, 13:01

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Day 295 - Why do bad things always happen to me?

I ask myself this question a WHOLE lot. It seems to be a daily question within each daily routine that I endure. An 'uncool' part of the routine, that is. It can be ANYTHING. Things where I have asked myself this question lately have been from the 'not cool' happening of myself not getting calls back from jobs that I've applied for/not getting called up for interviews. Car troubles, and having to pay a whole load of money to fix a bunch of stuff to do with my car when I'm already struggling for money, even simple things such as tripping over, or hurting myself somehow, they all end up ending in the same question "Why do bad things always happen to me?"

I can already see within the question of why do bad things always happen to me, that I'm in fact playing the victim of all my 'issues' and all my 'troubles' and 'struggles'. I'm playing the victim. I am also failing to take responsibility for the things that occur within my life or that are apart of my life. I can see all these 'bad' things as just me being unlucky, and bad things always happening to me - I can look at it that way, or I can look at all of these 'struggles' as a trial/error sort of thing, where I learn form my past mistakes, and fix them, whether it's through writing/practical application, or just general know-how of not making the same mistake in future. It's all about the starting point that I have in regards to 'bad' things always happening to me.

Paying for my car to be fixed doesn't have to be a 'bad' thing. Obviously I'd rather not spend money on it, but it has to be fixed. If I don't get it fixed now, then I'll possibly end up with a DEAD car within a few months, or....have to pay more than I originally had wanted to pay if I had just got it fixed in the present/now. And within that, I can see it as a cool time to get a bunch of quotes from car mechanics, and to find the cheapest/most reliable, and can then gather that information to store for later usage when I need to get my car fixed in future. Hell, I can even learn to fix my car myself, with the help of researching online/or however else I can research, purchasing the parts, and fixing my car myself depending on what needs to be fixed. So what I'm saying is that I can look at the point of fixing my car as a massive hassle in my life, I can see it like..why do bad things always happen to me, OR, I can see it as a cool learning experience - which is what will stay with me within my life and get me somewhere to avoid the potentiality of further mistakes occurring.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 24 Sep 2014, 12:44

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Day 296 - Why do bad things always happen to me: Part 2

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchats within my mind of "Why do bad things always happen to me"?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the victim personality as I participate in backchats of "Why do bad things always happen to me?" - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for the things that I consider within my life that 'go wrong' or 'don't go as I intended them to go' and things that 'don't go in my favour'. Within this, I realise that I must change my approach to things that I see that do not necessarily go 'my way', I therefore commit myself to change my starting/original approach to things that 'don't go my way', to then see them as learning experiences and things that I can change within my present, and thus avoid them in future through writing/practical application, and a trial and error way of looking at situations that 'do not go in my favour'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to also participate within the backchats of "Why do bad things only happen to ME?" - within this, I realise that I am in fact NOT unlucky or that bad luck only befalls me as who I am - I therefore realise still that I am in fact playing as the victim character that is participating within excuses as to why things 'don't go my way' or things that 'don't go in my favour'.

I commit myself to STAND UP and take SELF-RESPONSIBILITY for EACH and EVERY scenario/happening that occurs within MY life, but, to also within this, take self-responsibility for the world and all the bullshit that I've accepted and allowed to take place/continue.

When and as I see myself playing out the victim personality/character, I stop and breathe. I realise that by doing so within the questioning of "Why do bad things happen to me?" and "Why do bad things only happen to me?", I am failing to take self-responsibility for the happenings within my life, within this, I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to place negative/positive energies/labels depending on the event that occurs within my life, and I've allowed myself to be consumed by the apparent 'negative' energies/labels that I have created/placed on scenarios within my life when identifying myself as the victim personality/character.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 25 Sep 2014, 13:04

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Day 297 - Symmetry, alignment

I've noticed this pattern take place within myself throughout my life, where I like things to be symmetrical/aligned. The most recent occurrence of this obsession with symmetry/alignment has come in the form of what I am looking at right now, my laptop screen. Basically, I've noticed myself becoming agitated and frustrated if I'm not positioned squarely in the centre of facing towards my laptop. So, I want to be PERFECTLY centred when facing my laptop, otherwise I feel 'off balance'.

Actually, yeah, this is more strictly about alignment, wanting to be perfectly aligned, less so about symmetry, because my keyboard/screen are not symmetrical in the sense that there are different buttons on each side of the laptop and so on. ANYWAY..so that is it. What I usually try to do is centre myself where the camera is on my laptop. The camera is situated right in the centre of my laptop, so, I assume that if I'm centred with that, then I'm centred with my laptop generally. Actually, right now I'm leaning slightly to the left of that camera, so I'm not 'centred', lol. But that is why I'm writing now, to get over this obsessive point within alignment, because it's not affecting the way I type, it's not affecting anything.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to align my eyes perfectly within the centre and towards the centre of my laptop.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchats that I must be perfectly aligned in facing my laptop, otherwise my writings will be affected.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand, that if I'm comfortable physically with my laptop within typing/looking at the screen, then there is no reason for me to alter my alignment, realising that the only reason to then alter my alignment would be to satisfy my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to align myself and move myself physically to satisfy my mind, even though I was/were physically comfortable when facing my laptop/my position.

When and as I see myself looking at my camera on my laptop and thinking to myself that a re-alignment is in need, I stop and breathe. I realise that had I physically NOT been comfortable/facing my laptop in a way that provided me with optimum positioning, then I would have physically moved my body automatically - within this, I realise that I'm only participating within my mind when I therefore feel the need to alter my positioning.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I would have physically moved myself one way or the other if I were truly not comfortable with my environment/positioning in terms of facing my laptop/being comfortable when using my laptop.

I commit myself to not participate within the backchats of my mind that tell me that being not aligned perfectly straight and centred with my laptop will cause me to not write as well, or not do whatever I am doing on my laptop as well as I could be had I been perfectly aligned with my laptop screen.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 30 Sep 2014, 09:17

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Day 300 - Loose pockets

This is an entry about my fear of IMPORTANT things falling out of my pockets, such as my phone, wallet and keys. Those are the 3 items that I take virtually everywhere along with me. Sure, they can all be replaceable, but I'd rather not replace them!

I realise that I had this fear because I kept participating within thoughts of when I were to wear my trackie pants (name may vary among countries), basically the sorts of pants that one may wear indoors/as pyjamas/in bed, those sorts of 'comfortable' and 'warm' pants. The pants that one may use to relax...okay, enough about the pants, lol. Anyway, because, yeah..I used to occasionally wear those pants when going out, and I would still put the same 3 items in my pockets. BUT, in THOSE sorts of pants, things would keep falling out. Usually they'd fall out in my car luckily. But, it was still stressful at the time when I'd get out of my car to do something, then get to the shop or wherever, then realise that "Shit! My wallet is gone..." Or, my phone, or whatever. Was always a relief to find my items sitting in my car where I had sat while driving. Now, I realise how much worse it would be if they had fallen out of my pockets when in the train..yikes.

Anyway, I know now to use trackie pants just for indoors. Or well, more specifically, to only use them when I do NOT have to carry IMPORTANT items in my pockets that I need/require for my daily adventures. So, I'm here breaking this fear memory, because most days I wear business-type pants with tight-fitting pockets that are just like most pockets, they keep items tucked in safely, they are not loose-fitting pockets in which things will fall out potentially/eventually.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that items will fall out of my pockets as I'm wearing my business pants, not realising that my business pants are made to have tight-fitting pockets, whereas my trackie pants all are made to have loose-fitting pockets.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the fear that important items WILL fall out of my pockets at some stage, hence my constant checking of my pockets to make sure my phone, wallet and keys are in my pockets, realising within myself that I am participating within the memory of my phone, wallet and keys falling out of my pockets constantly as I wore my trackie pants - within this, I realise that trackie pants are casual pants, whereas business pants are more 'professional' pants.

When and as I see myself checking my pockets for the items that SHOULD be in my pockets, I stop and breathe. I realise that through physically checking my pockets for the items that should be in my pockets, I've allowed myself to participate within the memory, thus, fear, that items will constantly fall out of my pockets because of the memory of wearing trackie pants, thus loose-fitting pockets, thus important items falling out of my pockets.

I commit myself to not participate within the memory of driving to places while wearing trackie pants, and seeing things/realising that things had fallen out of my pockets while in my car - I commit myself to see, realise and understand the physical differences between business pants and trackie pants, and the types of pockets therefore that are contained within each sort of pants - tight-fitting pockets for business pants, and loose-fitting pockets for trackie pants.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 01 Oct 2014, 12:20

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Day 301 - Reliance on means of entertainment

Having to have videos and music on my laptop and backed up on my external hard drive is a means for me to have entertainment benefits for when I for some reason will be without internet access. For some reason..being a trigger memory within myself of when I was at my father's house for the weekend and had no access to internet privileges. For that weekend, I had to find ways to entertain myself - luckily I had an external hard drive with me so that I could then plug it into the tv and watch whatever videos and listen to whatever music was on my external hard drive.

That's what I consider a lot - what if for whatever the reason may be, I was without internet access. What would I do....? It goes to show how reliant I've become on the internet in general. And the ability to access the internet. It's pretty crazy how many things can be done via the internet...I mean, almost ANYTHING can be done via the internet. The internet has certainly come a long, long way. It reminds me of a recent conversation I had with someone about how reliant we as humans are these days on the internet, and this person telling me how 'cool' it was to have NO internet access whatsoever when they were growing up - in the 70's/80's. I used to long for being able to be in that time period where I could physically do things, without being reliant as I am these days on the internet. Having said that, I also always used to imagine myself as being a pothead who smoked weed all day, being one of those hippies, listening and watching music festivals, lol - not anymore.

Anywayyyy, that conversation about our reliance on the internet these days, coupled with my current predicament of my reliance on NEEDING videos/music in my possession to keep myself occupied in times of deprivation....it opens up cool realisations. Of course, along with my process within Desteni, I've come to realise that I create my own entertainment. Seeing videos and music as the ONLY means of entertainment in which I can entertain myself by when lacking internet access is a limitation in which I've accepted and allowed within myself.

It's just that I've grown up with the internet, computers, videogames - those things. And within that, I haven't stopped to see what else to be 'entertainment'. It's cool to 'chill out' every now and then and watch a movie/tv show/listen to music, but those things are NOT necessities, at all. They are only necessities if I see them as necessities.

Self-forgiveness to come on my reliance of videos and music/the trigger memory within myself of being internet-deprived, thus again, relying on videos/music only as to entertain myself and not become 'bored'.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 02 Oct 2014, 11:12

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Day 302 - Reliance on means of entertainment part 2

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go 'crazy' when choosing what videos/music I should 'have' in my possession and within this, obsessing over the point, because of my fears of being 'bored' when and if I have no internet privileges, brought upon through my accepted and allowed participation within a memory of when I was alone at my father's house without internet privileges. Within this, I realise that just using the word 'privileges' when describing my use of the internet is me seeing the internet as the best thing since sliced bread - within this, I realise that being without internet access for a few days, weeks, months, will NOT kill me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so reliant on internet access within my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see the solely 'physical' things I can do within my life, such as walking, running, going to places within my physical body, interacting with others within my physical body - I therefore forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only see 'entertainment' as watching videos/listening to music and browsing the internet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that entertainment purposes in the form of videos/music are mandatory/necessary for myself as life - I realise that videos/music are only but ONE form of entertainment in which I can choose to use, or not. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in terms of what I can do for 'fun' and for 'entertainment' by only seeing watching videos and listening to music as my only options.

I commit myself to realise that no amount of video watching/music listening will change me to what is best for all life. I commit myself to casually watch videos/listen to music in which I 'enjoy', but not to the extent in which I allow myself to obsess over the point/the videos/music in my possession, as that is giving myself over to my mind.

When and as I see myself obsessing over my options in terms of entertainment purposes within what videos/music to have stored on my laptop/external hard drive, I stop and breathe. I realise that no matter WHAT videos/music is stored on my laptop/external hard drive, they are but ONE form of entertainment, within this, realising that they do not shape me in my life whatsoever, UNLESS I actually allow them to, in reality - I commit myself to therefore see, realise and understand WHAT/WHICH utensils/tools DO change me for what is best for all life/shape my life, those utensils/tools being WRITING within self-forgiveness/commitment statements - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see videos/music as more than what they actually are, and I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see videos/music as life-changing options.

I commit myself to not participate within the memory of being alone at my father's house without internet access.

I commit myself to not participate within the fear of having no means of entertainment other than videos/music to look at/listen to - I commit myself to not limit my options in terms of entertainment/things to do by videos/music ONLY.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby Marlen » 02 Oct 2014, 21:09

Cool Anthony, this reminds me a lot to the time when I would pack a set of cd's (lol back in the day) whenever I would go on a trip and I would not have internet access, I would experience similar obsession and not wanting to 'miss out' in the future moment of wanting to listen to particular music and not having it with me.

What would eventually happen is that yes, I would mostly be involved into many other activities that I would barely even use the cd's or only on my way there, so it's interesting how we want to keep our so called 'safe zone' of entertainment, instead of actually letting go of our routine and expand ourselves in the things that we can do, in this case: seeing what you can actually create as an activity for yourself without internet and so really take the opportunity to enjoy yourself, and not only being bound to 'receiving entertainment/being entertained'

There's definitely much more to life when we actually let go of our constricted ways in which we believe 'is the only way we enjoy ourselves.'

Thanks for sharing

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 03 Oct 2014, 09:01

Marlen wrote:Cool Anthony, this reminds me a lot to the time when I would pack a set of cd's (lol back in the day) whenever I would go on a trip and I would not have internet access, I would experience similar obsession and not wanting to 'miss out' in the future moment of wanting to listen to particular music and not having it with me.

What would eventually happen is that yes, I would mostly be involved into many other activities that I would barely even use the cd's or only on my way there, so it's interesting how we want to keep our so called 'safe zone' of entertainment, instead of actually letting go of our routine and expand ourselves in the things that we can do, in this case: seeing what you can actually create as an activity for yourself without internet and so really take the opportunity to enjoy yourself, and not only being bound to 'receiving entertainment/being entertained'

There's definitely much more to life when we actually let go of our constricted ways in which we believe 'is the only way we enjoy ourselves.'

Thanks for sharing


Thanks, Marlen! Cool stuff. I can relate to that as well, specifically the going to trips, taking cd's, and barely using them, lol. That is definitely true about wanting/needing to stay in and keep the 'safe zone', no doubt about it. Time to expand our horizons!

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Day 303 - Big nose fear

I was in the city today in a rather crowded area, waiting to catch the train back home. All of a sudden, I participated within this fear that my big nose is disgusting, that it's hideous, that people find me disgusting for having a big nose. I accept that I have a big nose. I used to somewhat avoid admitting that I do have a big nose, but what is the point of that? I have a big nose. But does it define me? Only if I allow it to - and I am NOT allowing my big nose to define me, as it is but ONE physical feature of me - and why whatsoever should I live in a constant fear because of the physical appearance of my nose, something that I literally have no control over? There is no reason for me to fear other's judgements towards my big nose.

I do have a big nose when compared to other's noses, lol. But, we all have different sized everything. Anyway..I related this fear to a memory I had when I was in high school. It was before classes had started, so I and the other students were in the long hallway where all of our lockers were placed - we were getting our books and whatnot, preparing for our first class. A 'sort of' friend of mine and I started jokingly arguing. It was nothing serious, it was all fun-spirited. Anyway, this person said that I had a 'big nose'. I remember feeling rather down at the time. I know it was all in 'good fun', but still, I allowed myself to take it personally and reacted with sadness.

That is the memory that sticks in my mind the most. There would have been other instances when I would have had fears about my big nose, but this is the one that sticks the most. If others come up/I feel the need to write other memories out, I will do so - but just this one for now.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the memory of someone saying that I have a 'big nose'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in a public area, fear that people find my big nose 'disgusting' when and as I see myself participating within the memory of someone saying I have a 'big nose'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the size of my nose - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that my nose is just but one physical feature of my face, among a bunch of other physical features - I therefore commit myself to accept all of my physical facial features for what they are, instead of holding them against myself through an energetic fear reaction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my big nose, thus my mind to be the directive principle within guidance of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my big nose for what it is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label myself as 'disgusting' just because commonly, people that I see have 'small' noses - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my nose, no matter the size of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within emotions/feelings when I hear comments about my nose from others.

When and as I see myself participating within a fear that my big nose is 'disgusting' in terms of others' seeing it/being near my big nose, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within a memory of someone commenting that I had a 'big nose', and that I have lived within separation by participating within that memory and remembering the 'sadness' that I felt within myself as I heard those words 'big nose' being said by someone.

I commit myself to accept my nose for what it is.

I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself - not allowing myself to define myself by the size of my nose, thus be directed by my mind.

I commit myself to accept that I do have a big nose when compared to others' noses, but I commit myself to NOT hold that against myself - as it is something that is OUT of my control.

I commit myself to not allow a big nose from doing anything that I'd normally do in any way, shape or form, if I in fact had a different sized nose - a smaller nose.

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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 04 Oct 2014, 12:07

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Day 304 - Destonian level

I spoke to a fellow Destonian via phone the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to this Destonian via phone. They were the one who had introduced me to Desteni in the first place. I remember the first time I spoke with this person, I felt that I wasn't at their level, that I was irrelevant when compared to them, that I was not good enough. I burdened myself with weight in trying and at the same time, failing to get to their 'level'.

That was mainly because of things that this person said to me. I don't know if this person intended this, but the way I saw it - I had to have a certain 'level' of Desteni knowledge before I could be 'accepted' into this person's 'circle' so to speak. I presently do not feel that way now, and I have not felt the need to meet a 'level' or meet 'standards' as to relate to this person. Whether that is down to my changing within myself, the other person's changing, or most likely - both of our changing/us changing.

But, because of that 'feeling' I got when I spoke to this person, I still compare myself 'negatively' to this person. And as I was talking to them on the phone, I felt that I had to make sure I said the 'right' thing, otherwise I'll be misunderstood/not liked by this person. So, I was in theory putting all this pressure upon myself to say the 'correct' things, so that this person would not change their approach to me - even though I had done just that, I had changed my approach to them - as in, instead of being natural and self-honest within myself/while communicating with this person, I was 'someone else', I was the 'person pleaser' - all to do with that early instance of communication that I had with this person when I first met them.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.


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