Anthony Field's Journey to Life

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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 29 Jan 2017, 04:12

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Day 638 - A musical world


I’ve always loved music. As a kid, my parents listened to a lot of music, a lot of rock music from the 60’s, 70’s 80’s etc. So I would be singing/dancing along. And that is cool. Is can be enjoyable to dance, to sing along etc. Just some background of my relationship with music. And since then I’ve always been a strong music lover. I have my favourite artists/music, these days across all genres which I can find some cool stuff in, whether an interesting/unique pattern, or singing, something that I am not used to, I like, that can take me by surprise for example, I like.

But for me now, and even in past times, recent-past times, I’ve grown obsessed in a way about what my music collection should look like. It’s something I’ve been working on for a while, that collection as well as the point itself. For example, I have removed artists, then added them again, or individual songs, you know, trying to ‘perfect’ my collection. And in past times especially, it’s annoyed me because I see that I’m spending so much time trying to do this, you know, I’d RATHER be doing OTHER things, more PRODUCTIVE things. And that word sticks out a lot for me here/now, PRODUCTIVE.

I’d rather be writing for example, doing my Desteni assignments and such, thus NOT trying to find the best tunes to be in my library and take with me on my ipod.

So here I still see this heavy reliance on music. And thus this dependency/separation with music. Instead of an equal and one relationship with music, where I in fact choose cool music to have in my library, that I can of course update over time, but not to a point where I ‘require’ this or that, because in reality, I do not need any of this music to ‘be’ or to ‘enjoy’ etc. It’s just something, a method of enjoyment, of which there are thousands.

So I commit myself here to not obsess over this point, and to instead have a healthy relationship to music/what music I have/listen to etc, one where it does NOT direct me, one where I am NOT separate to it, one where I am equal to the music as it is equal to me, a relationship where we get along well and enjoy together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my relationship with music as life or death.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have a one and equal relationship with music where enjoyment happens and thus no separation, abuse, energy being associated with my relationship to music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I Require music to function, to be, to enjoy in a certain way, shape or form or any way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself obsessing over the music point and what I should have in my library, what songs, what artists, and what not, I stop and breathe. I Realise that it does not matter, because music does NOT effect me at all, and thus it is a invalid point or action to take in how I act. Having said this I do see, realise and understand that it is like anything in this world, it CAN be used effectively/in a healthy way for enjoyment, but this utterly depends on my relationship with it, thus I commit myself to create an effective relationship with music where I listen to music that I see something cool in and enjoy listening to for my own benefit.

I commit myself to embrace music that I like to hear.


I commit myself to NEVER lose sight of what is vital within my life, that being PROCESS, and that also being things that I generally want to do. So here, I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control over what it is I WANT to do in life, over something that I believe I require, like music, where then I am ‘annoyed’ because this obsession of music is directing me, as opposed to what I want to do as my physical body which would be something entirely different. SO here I commit myself to find a balance so that I am always doing what I want to do/what my physical body requires so that I am always stable, here, enjoying, and thus not doing things ‘against my will’ basically as the mind/direction within and as energy in any way, shape or form.



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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 31 Jan 2017, 11:35

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Day 639 - Scared of others


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of humans and how they act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shake as being scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared/shake as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are things in/of humans as the MIND to fear within myself and that thus I have a ‘right’ to be scared in actuality, failing to realise that as the physical there is nothing that exists to participating within being scared and such, because I am no longer of the mind and fears etc.

When and as I see myself desiring to participate within being scared, I stop and breathe. I realise that being scared is definitely a mind program/pattern, as are all patterns of the like, thus I commit myself to identify this scared pattern as it desires to come to the forefront, stop it, breathe if necessary and continue as my physical self/body here.

I commit myself not to participate within being scared of any as who, what they are or what they do.

I commit myself not to be scared.


I commit myself to look at the person I am ‘scared’ of and bring myself back here by seeing them as my equal, because that is but what they are, they are only different or doing different as their mind as I am doing when I am scared of them, so I commit myself to remove the mind from them and myself so that all is left/that I am left with is them as a physical body, as well as myself with my physical body, equals, no separation.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 03 Feb 2017, 09:18

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Day 640 - Reason to be expressive


Something I Found interesting happened today. Basically I was on the way to work, and from last night to being on the way to work, I had been feeling ill. It may have passed/gone away, but whilst on the train etc, I was feeling worse. During this feeling, I felt more ‘comfortable’ in small actions such as touching my forehead, looking a certain way..and generally doing certain things – so I was doing things in reply to how I felt, breathing for example, where it is very visible, looking uncomfortable – see what I mean here? Generally I’d suppress these things, or if not ill, just suppress movements and such, but here it was like ‘I need to do these things in reply to the illness/to feel better’ – so I did them. It was like nothing was holding me back.

I got off the train and stopped somewhere and I was basically just leaning against the wall. It was obvious that I wasn’t feeling so flash. But again, what I find funny is that I did not care what others thought here. I wanted to feel better/get better, so did what I saw was necessary for my physical body, like leaning, like the body position and such, what made me more comfortable.

What I found out through all of this also..is that well, of course, I should not need a reason to be expressive, or to ‘do’ things..certain movements, or things that are for example necessary for my physical body, or that I want to do because it’s comfortable, whatever it may be. A natural expression should exist and thus emerge.

I commit myself to allow my natural expression to emerge through what I want to do/be as movement for/what is comfortable for my physical body simply.

I commit myself not to suppress what it is I want to do as movement for whatever reason.

I commit myself not to exist as reason to be expressive, because expression in its naturalist form is well, natural lol.

I commit myself to let go. I commit myself to not be as ‘robotic’ in my movement as SUPPRESSION and NOT as being ‘natural’ – being one with my movement, flowing-type of thing which will assist my physical body dramatically for muscle movements, bones etc.

Thus I commit myself to constantly breathe during my general movements/moments so that I am aware of myself and when I am suppressing and being stagnant, robotic as opposed to free-flowing/natural/moving as my body, physically, here.


I commit myself to be loose.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 05 Feb 2017, 03:54

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Day 641 - Wants


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living, enjoying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse want with need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must only do things that are needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss wants because they are not needs.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy with what I have access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself negatively within my mind for wanting my wants.

When and as I see myself wanting a want that is not a need and see myself going into self-judgment therefore because it’s not something I need, I stop and breathe. I realise that if I am to only have things I Need in my life, then technically that is just food, water, clothing and that is all – but despite this being a way of living, why not expand, why not enjoy with things I have access to, things in which I can still expand through/with, enjoy as moving my body, as thinking, as solving, as socialising?

So I commit myself to enjoy what I have access to, but of course I commit myself also to make sure my STARTING POINT of whatever it may be is one of stability, where I can say and do it based on something substantial/real/valid, and not something that is based on energetic wants/apparent needs as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, desires.

I commit myself to allow myself to enjoy what is here, and what I can get that is here, just not ‘with me’ currently but I can make here.

I commit myself to allow myself to embrace the best in things, whatever the thing is.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 06 Feb 2017, 12:24

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Day 642 - Negative self-judgments


This is just general. I realise that I tend to see myself negatively/in a negative light. For example, there was a discussion at work where a person was spoken of in a negative light. Now obviously this is not acceptable in the first place, nonetheless, I immediately saw myself as this person being spoken of in a negative light. I didn’t find out who, nor enquire about it, but this is but one example. And there have been other situations where I Just talk down about myself, what/who I am, and it even surprises others who disregard it, because lol, it seems that all I do, when I do this..is just talk myself down a lot, and others obviously don’t see this, hence surprise, so this goes to show that it is purely me seeing myself as this through my mind, through negative thoughts, emotions, feelings, judgments and so on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint myself in a negative light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is something wrong with me/negative with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow this negative path that is sourced from my mind and that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to follow which then manifests in the aloud-speaking of putting myself down in some way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself desiring to talk down/bad about myself in any way, shape or form based on negative thoughts of myself/judgments within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is extremely disempowering, hurtful, abusive towards myself, where I’m merely believing thoughts about myself in some way, shape or form, as opposed to having self-trust within self-responsibility and so removing these thoughts/judgments and bringing myself back to all that I am, a physical body that is one and equal with all life/the Earth here – thus as this, no abuse exists whatsoever, so I commit myself to exist as this life, as the physical, where I do not abuse self/others in any way, shape or form and accept myself/others in every way, shape and form as the life that they/I am, always.

I commit myself to accept me for me as my physical body/self.

I commit myself to not speak negatively OR positively about me, which can easily be egotistic – thus here I commit myself to speak the truth, the reality, thus without any energy behind/backing/within my words/actions/movements that I undertake/do every second.


I commit myself to allow myself to gain an image of oneness and equality, where this is all that I am and all I want to be and I accept this and embrace this as I do with all life.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 08 Feb 2017, 22:09

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Day 643 - Writing time is any time


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my morning time/before work to write and believing that it is ‘best’ to use my time after work to write, when in reality, a lot of the time I am very tired/drained after work and it’s best to rest, thus seeing, realising and understanding that when I have time, I write, it does not matter on the day, hour – any time is time to write, and time to write is the change i require in the world and as self.

I commit myself to use my time more efficiently for the actions which I see are most necessary/vital/pivotal in my life and in the world.

I see, realise and understand that writing IS my point of change, thus using time to write is of the most importance in every way, shape and form + I enjoy it a lot as changing myself for the best, as sharing, as expressing.

I commit myself to utilise the time I have in this world/within my life effectively/efficiently as possible, so that being the things that assist me to be the best I can be, because there is nothing more important than that in reality – everything else CAN potentially assist too, but I know NOT to the extent of self-forgiveness, of self-realisations and of self-commitment as becoming my utmost potential in this world.

So I commit myself to always be aware of who I am in every moment, look at the time I have, and sit down at my desk/computer and write, because it does not take long in any case + I can assign as much time as I want to/need to, to writing, thus I commit myself to use my time well for what requirements I have in that moment and the near distant future.


I commit myself to give my body what it wants/requires – these are most vital, so other than the self-change through writing/physical application, also the food, the water, the rest, the sleep, the sun, because being in peak-shape will allow me to be the best I can be and thus outflows in all that I do which is what I want in life.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 14 Feb 2017, 13:23

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Day 644 - What is my relationship to money?


For most of my life I have not had a high income or a stable income. Moreso low income if anything. Now that I’ve had a steady flow of income, not the highest amount/a necessarily high amount, but an amount that allows me to ‘do’ much more, it’s made me want to look into this point/question. Thing is, I have been spending money, in a way, quite..in an uncaring type of manner. I wouldn’t necessarily say going crazy where it’s out of control spending, but spending large amounts or frequently just because I know I have the money and I’ll still have left over money if necessary.

Thing is, there are in fact things I’d like to save money for. Such as a new car. Potentially a house or moving into a more expensive house/room. And even if NOT, if I don’t really have anything to save money for, does not give me the ‘right’ to spend here, there and everywhere. I mean, yes it’s up to me how I spend, but even if not the house/car...there are causes I want to give to, groups that I know are making a difference to/for life/myself.

I want my money to go to these, things that matter/will make a change. And now that I’m writing, holidays to places around the world, travelling, exploring, learning. General activities. There is a lot that I can spend money on to better myself and/or learn about life/myself and enjoy with others. As opposed to spending for activities/things that yes are also enjoyable, but failing to take into considering these OTHER things that I could be saving up for/spending money on that I see are a much better use of my money.

We all have to be very wise with how we use money. Check out starting points, our reasons, before spending money towards anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my relationship towards money and how/what I spend it on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have money and then spend it here, there and everywhere because I have money, using that as an excuse to spend money without considering what else I can spend money on/what I can save this money for.

When and as I see myself not caring about money, I stop and breathe. I realise that money is life and so that in itself must be taken extremely seriously, looked after, cared for, respected, otherwise I am committing sins against life and abusing life through my careless spending, when I could be and should be spending money on appropriate things as learning, as enjoyment within reason etc. I commit myself to look at my money in my wallet/hold it physically and/or look at the money listed in digital form and USE it wisely though breath, through seeing if what I’m about to use it for is really necessary/something that is best for all life and something that is suitable/appropriate for use.

I commit myself to be equal with my money as it is equal with me in that we look after eachother and care/respect eachother and use wisely/appropriately as what is best for all life.


I commit myself not to allow energy as thoughts/emotions/feelings/judgments direct me in spending LIFE pointlessly/as abuse, because that will set me back as LIFE and restrict me as LIFE as opposed to pushing me forward as spending wisely so that I can continue growing as spending this LIFE wisely.



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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 16 Feb 2017, 13:31

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Day 645 - Hostage dream


I’ve been having many dreams lately. A lot in the last few days. Whereas previously I’d only have one every few months.
1 interesting one was basically being held hostage. These people came to the house. Held me and some others hostage by gunpoint. I don’t know what they wanted. But what I saw here was the panic on the faces/behaviours of the others, and for me I was just calm. Because I knew that panicking at all would be a detreiment to myself/my position. It’s always best to remain stable, cool, calm, collected, even in the most dire situations. Because the mind of ourselves/others feeds on fear and such.

Anyway, I was quietly telling the other hostages to remain calm too. The gun people took us out to the front yard and lined us up there on our knees facing the road. About 2/3 of us. All neighbours were onlooking. The gun people wanted to make a scene.

I woke up then. It was, as all dreams are, very real.

So what do I get from this dream? I have feared this scenario. With the violence, threats, abuse that exists/happens, and myself being in this position. But it was interesting that I proved to myself, in the dream at least lol, that I can remain stable despite this shit happening to me, and can be a voice of reason for others in these apparent panic-like times, which was cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being taken hostage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held at gunpoint.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear injury/death.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can remain calm, cool, collected despite this happening to me in some way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself believing that I will be very fearful/scared in this situation, as being taken hostage/held at gunpoint, I stop and breathe. I realise that if this is to happen to me, then there is no better way to be than to remain cool, calm and collected and so avoid allowing fear to be consumed/used by others in an attempt to unsettle me/abuse me and same as I unsettle/abuse myself as fear and participating in fear.

I commit myself to keep cool, calm and collected in possible hostage-like situations/held at gunpoint by breathing of course to keep myself here and to not go up into my mind as fears, what ifs, what could happen, how I will escape etc.

I commit myself to be example of being cool, calm and collected in this situation.


I commit myself to embrace death if it going to happen to me.



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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 18 Feb 2017, 05:05

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Day 646 - Am I capable of being a drawing artist?


Something I’ve always been interested in, was drawing. I used to love looking at all sorts of artworks/pieces. The amount of detail, the effort, the interest, the uniqueness, all of it I found fascinating. And I did undertake 1 or 2 art classes. I see though that I never applied myself as much as I could or well, and the big one is I never BELIEVED in myself to do well or to apply myself effectively TO do well.

Because well, I saw my output and I was underwhelmed. But of course I was underwhelmed, I never believed in myself in the first place lol. My starting point was already one of self-defeat, so there is nowhere to go from there but DOWN. After conversation with another about hobbies and such, I’ve decided to give drawing another go, THIS TIME with a clear stable point where I am not belittling my output or any process of the drawing method/output.

And instead..looking at examples, perhaps tutorials, things like that, practicing of course, seeing what happens, trialling, ERROR-ING (which is a part of this and anything in the world).

What I do love about the process of drawing, or any craft which requires time, effort...is PATIENCE. The patience involved. Which is awesome because patience is something that is so necessary within our lives. So how cool is it to do something I want to do, as well as developing patience within myself? Not to mention drawing abilities and all other benefits that I get from having a hobby like this. Very cool I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine/belittle myself prior and/or after working on drawings as self-judgments/comparisons/negative-energy starting points to drawing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to draw through breath, and thus patience, effort, learning, researching, so that I can perfect the art of ART.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself/my capabilities to be able to draw effectively. Within this I see, realise and understand that believing in myself to do anything is not necessary, because that is still something external of me, thus here I see, realise and understand that it’s simply then to just draw. Because in reality there’s no reason to NOT be able to draw, other than the obvious things such as not having drawing experience, not TRYING, not DOING. So I commit myself to stop looking for/to beliefs to be able to do/not do something, because beliefs are in fact a product of my mind and thus external/separate from myself as a physical body which ONLY requires MOVEMENT.

I commit myself to look at drawings, investigate, research, to see what is done, how it is done, and within/after this, actually draw, myself. Slowly. Productively. Effectively. Patiently. As breath.


I commit myself to take time with this movement to draw, because time is needed, it is necessary – it all takes time, whatever we do, so I commit myself to GIVE MYSELF the time to learn, to draw, to experience, experiment, fuck up, learn what works/does not work etc.



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AnthonyF
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Re: Anthony Field's Journey to Life

Postby AnthonyF » 19 Feb 2017, 09:25

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Day 647 - Late/early nights


This is rather basic/simple/straightforward. There was an event on in the city last night that I went to. The event ran from 7 pm – 7 am, or something like that. I did not attend for all of that time, was from about 10 pm – 1:30 am. I had not been out/doing things this late/early for a long time, and I saw how it really impacted me. This is simply not beneficial at all to my body. Even at about 11:30 pm, I was really feeling it, I was very tired, so you can imagine how much more tired I was feeling at 12:30/1:30 pm!

Anyway, what I’ve seen and realised is that I see no point in continuing this or doing this again. When it’s time to rest/sleep, then it’s time to rest/sleep, that is it. Nice and simple. Prolonging that being awake/moving is going to be detrimental to myself, absolutely. I don’t see that the event/anything can be ‘worth it enough’ for detriment of my body. This is the body I Require for EVERYTHING lol, so no, I see no ‘trade-off’ where at times it’s ‘fine’ to let my body down/put it through shit for sake of something/someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s fine to put my body in harm’s way if the trade-off is as in this example, a ‘one-off’ – though within this I don’t see any event/thing/person as a suitable trade-off for detriment of my own body which is the most important thing to me as it’s the very thing I require to be here, to do ANYTHING here.


When and as I see that there is an event that I’ve been invited to/that I want to go to and it is at/will go to very late/early hours of the night, yet I believe this will be fine and thinking ‘this time I will be fine during these late/early hours.’ – I stop and breathe. I realise this is just an excuse/justification to attend this event, when I KNOW within my physical body/self that this is going to be a hindrance to my physical body, thus in reality there is definitely not any point to do this, so here I commit myself to come to a solution which is being either to NOT attend the event, OR to attend the event and leave at suitable hours so that I can then rest when appropriate.




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