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Continuing from my last blog regarding the family heart problems recently - as my mother awaits surgery to replace a valve, I await my electrocardiogram on Wednesday, as my doctor does not think my chest/heart shooting feelings I have been having recently are actually connected to a valve issue in the heart, because these feelings are not coming on during exercise, and my ability to workout has not diminished at all, which would be the case if I had a valve issue at the moment. So being as these shooting feelings are coming up when I am relaxing rather then when I am raising my heart rate, then the investigation continues - and regardless of what the findings turn out to be, I will not allow my mind to spiral into thought patterns that have come up recently --
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable, I realise that there is no human that is completely unbreakable that exists. Every being in this world whether naturally born or born through Science is vulnerable to physical pain/breakdown in varying degrees, at various stages, and for various reasons. So within this realisation it becomes clear, it provides clarity that there is no point allowing any fear based thoughts about being physically vulnerable in anyway, because this is merely how things work. In fact to realise ones own vulnerability, is to realise ones strength, because it reveals ones existence as a physical being on Earth, subject to the same laws as any other being in this world, in some ways it is actually a humbling and supportive point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the self-belief that I am the "invulnerable" one in the family. I realise that this concept has accumulated through the years of seeing my mother and granddad being incredibly physically vulnerable at various points, and meanwhile Iv'e always been the one never getting seriously ill, I mean have not even had a cold for years, and occasionally in the summer I sneeze a bit from dust/pollen, but nothing other then that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my own health to other family members health as the basis for creating a self-belief about myself that makes no sense. I realise that comparison is always unacceptable because of reasons exactly like this - it keeps me in complete separation from physical reality where it is impossible to apply common sense -- so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in the moment that it is through constantly comparing my own physical health to other family members that has resulted in this consequential self-belief of invulnerability, and fear of vulnerability even being created.
I forgive myself that i have not realised in the moment of considering that I may have a heart issue - that the whole "malfunction" unable to understand reaction/experience to this consideration is just being generated in my mind as ego, where the laws of physical reality are not even considered.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that me in a hospital bed even for a day is something I have defined as "unthinkable" or "unimaginable" for me - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself being in a bed as being "impossible", because in actual reality it is not impossible for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being physically weak and getting weaker as I get older. I realise that this is just a matter of physical reality law - everything has a beginning and an ending, even the light from a star light years away -- everything deteriorates over time, it cannot be avoided, therefore there is no need to attach any emotions to something that is just reality.
I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that whenever we allow ourselves to submit or feed into fear in any moment, we are literally saying in that moment that we are a slave to that fear. I will not be allowing myself to be a slave any further, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to realise in all moments that when one allows fear as the mind to start making decisions for me, then I am essentially fucked for the rest of my life as a mind controlled fear robot, with no self-directive participation, which i am not willing to accept.
I forgive myself that I have not seen in each breathe, that any time there is a sad event in life that occurs in our world, whether it is to us directly or someone close to us, it is understandable that we get a bit emotional, but from that moment that the emotions start kicking in, it is absolutely pivotal that one stands up asap and utilises the necessary tools to keep oneself stable. Because I realise that if we do not act quickly, then these kind of major sad events in our lives have the potential to crush us, to be a point of "no return" imprisoned as the mind for the rest of our days, justifying abusive behaviour through the ridiculous concept of - "i'm scared so i'm allowed to be an arse hole", entrenched as hopelessness in the depths of depression and the various dimensions of the mind. I am taking responsibility for myself to make sure that this does not happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the lifestyle changes that my mother has had to implement since her heart attack, is something that I will have to also implement if I also have something wrong with my heart. I realise that there is no need to connect fear to lifestyle changes, because lifestyle changes geared around slowing down, is something which is just practical and thus best for all to do in a situation of getting seriously ill at any point in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an image in my mind of me being stuck in a hospital bed for the rest of life my life after my mother dies. I realise in self-honesty that this image is just my mind over-dramatising the situation, which I am not allowing to continue from now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to - being vulnerable, getting weaker as I get older and changes in lifestyle. None of these points are valid to keep connected to fear in my mind, so I take self-responsibility to disconnect these connections through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application of breathing.
I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being vulnerable, getting weaker or having to make lifestyle changes. I realise that this is nothing but bullshit going on in my mind which does not assist me or anyone else in my world to live what's best for all, so its best to end it for good. So as and when I see fear based thoughts coming up in my mind in relation to this blogs points, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with any thoughts that come up, as I know the path that comes from the acceptance of these thoughts, which is just separation, so I stop, I breathe and continue to do so until these thoughts do not come up any more, no matter what.
i commit myself to not have a starting point of ego as the mind if any further problems with health come up in the future. So when and as I see that some procedure needs to be done, or mine or someone in the families health takes a worse turn, and I see myself reacting as ego - I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to engage with this reaction and I just focus on breathing where I can apply common sense, where I can produce what's best for all in my participation instead of the skewed and self-interested results from standing as ego.
I commit myself to living the change that i want to see in the world - I want to see a world where people do not allow their own personal life problems to inhibit their ability to live what's best for all -- so i take responsibility to make sure that i do what is best for all regardless of what shit happens in my personal life.
Join me next week as i continue my journey to life blogs, and thanks for walking with