My Journey through Life

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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 14 Mar 2015, 19:56

Day 1 drug addiction

When I was 13 I had been introduced to marijuana. Naturally I was very curious as it was all around me during my upbringing through family members and school, which taught me to, "say no to drugs". It's fair to say that was my main source or curiousity to use because just about everyone i knew was doing it. As a young man I wanted to understand what the big deal was and if there was a big deal at all. from 13-16 i had tryed weed every now and then and somtimes I got really high and somtimes I didnt.

16 onward I had adopted marijuana use in my life and considerd it to be "cool" as most of my clique is highschool was useing it. It was socially accepted by my peers and was a source of enjoyment every lunch period. Eventualy it turned into a daily habit where I would do basicaly anything to get some, like steal from family or friends. I noticed the harmful effects of weed when I was around 18 when a lot of my relationships were impacted by my use of marijuana.

Now the question is, why would I continue to use marijuana aware of the nagative impacts it has on my life. The answer evaded me till recently were I realized I used marijuana not to suppress some kind of past event or internal experiance, instead that I was suppressing myself within the moment of using in order to stop myself from facing myself here and now and my participations within the world.

I knew feom 18 onward that I had to get to work, fo to school, do somthing to enable myself to live an affective responsible life, when which as I used became suppresed, all I had to do was feel the rush! The intence physical effects weed had had on me.

I realize I was suppressing nothing from my past at all, instead suppressing myself in the moment. It became bad bad bad, where I would wake up not wanting to face what I have allowed and accepted of myself, which was nothing more then marijuana suppressed. I believed I was able to use weed for life without ever having to face myself and the negative impact it was having on me.

when I ran into desteni I began to understand my true purpose on earth and what exactly I was doing to myself by useing marijuana. So i searched for reason to why I allowed and accepted myself to use again believing I was suppressing somthing from my past. Essentially enabling myself to continue to use believing the answer to my weed use had to be found inorder to quit lol what a ride! A ride that would have taken me to my grave without the understanding that has come to me with a clear sobor mind, which was as I mentioned suppressing myself here and now by simply not deciding to stop. The signle mkst important step I had to take i order to understand why I used.

Also, i told myself offten that somthing would have to take place in the future, somrhing that would enable me to quit weed, like finding my suppressed childhood answers or worse going to jail and essentialy being forced to stop smoking.

So I was either relying on a past or future event that would enable me to quit smoking weed and up untill 18 days ago I realized that it was here and now that I suppressed myself and here and now that I would find my answers :)

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use marijuana purly out of curiosity and deciving myself into believing there were other reasons outside of myself. Like school or influences from friends or family.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to harm relationships with friends and family through my selfish use of marijuana believing I had to use because it was cool and socialy accaptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to adopt a belief that I was suppressing somthing from my past that was responsible for my use of marijuana

I firgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to adopt a belief that the only way I would ever quit was by force through some future event, like going to jail or somthing that would force distance between me and marijuana.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that the power to stop weed was within me all along and that here and now was the only stopping point available to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse weed for my own selfish reasons not considering the impact my disicion had on others within my life.

I commit myself to longer allow any form of self judgement about the relationship i have damage in my past and instead adopt the undertstanding that here and now is my chance to heal them and renew past relationships where i see relivant to my process.

I commit myself to no longer allow and accept the idea that I was supressing somthing from my past, when infact that is not true at all, i realize and establish that only here and now are my options presented to me and anything outside of that realization is subject to fail.

I commit myself to best support myself by applying breath and the realization that here and now within this breath is the only time I have and to live it as affectivly as possible to enable an outcome that is unconditionaly best for myself and through that every being on earth.



Marlen
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Marlen » 14 Mar 2015, 23:26

Very cool to start unraveling the relationship with weed addiction, Luc
and glad to see you starting your Journey to Life too!

Congrats for deciding to sober up



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 15 Mar 2015, 14:27

Day 2 death

I found out about the death of a friend this morning.

He was a sweet heart, one of the types of people that avoided conflict and only wanted to get along and be accepted by others.

I met him on the street, he was a sweet heart and tried to fit in by dressing the part, being a thug or speaking like a gangster, but i knew better through conversations that this guy was kind, and i remember thinking to myself that he could get into trouble on the streets because it was easy to see he was a gentle person, and a lot of people on the streets are hardened and would take advatage of his kind nature.

I feel so sorry for him, i say things like, "he was innocent" or "undeserving of what happened to him" :( from what i saw from him, he was undeserving of death, but at the same time, so many people that die at a young age are. I dont know about all this karma crap and how karma works or if it is even real, all i know is when talking to him, i felt no conflicted words or agression, he was soft spoken and quesrmtioned why people had it out for him.

qhen i first met him, people on the streets were conflicted by the fact that he wore blue rags, as most wore red, and claimed to be "bloods", i wasnt around for the conflicts he experianced but when I heard about who jumped and robbed him, it made perfect sense to me. A native blood with no regard towards people had jumped him with a few friends takeing everything of value off his possession. He wasnt beaten to bad as he gave in to the request without conflict :( of course when i heard about it, i shook my head because i understood what had hapoened because i understood the nature of both of their starting points.

I am deeply saddened by his death. Even though i barely knew him, i know he was taken too early that he probably had a chance to break from what he had become as a wannabe gangster and had a lot of potential to make it in life, where the guys that treated him like shit.. well.. they are very abusive to others and it will probabky be more difficult for them to break from there pre-programming. Although who am I to say! I am not them and i will not allow or accept myself to project unto them.

He had a massive stroke throughout the night, doctors said they have never seen such a massive stroke before. I thought to myself about my own condition with blott clots in my left leg in the past and a fear of my own death by stroke invaded my thoughts, well of course I envaded my thoughts as I am 100% responsible for my thoughts so i quickly stopped myself and breathed through the conditioned self imposed experiance and decided to write it all out.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach fear of death to the death of a friend because of the manner inwhich he had past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger towards those that hurt him in the past by attaching an isea that he was innocent and undeserving of what haloened to him, simply because i could see he was a flight not fight typ person.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting mysekf to attach positive to flight nature ajd negative to fight nature, when both are based in polarity and I will not attach anything to physical reality that is not real, not tangible, not here and now.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel hurt or upset about his passing, when i now understand the best move I can make in my reactions is to write them out and find a way that is best for all.

I firgive myself for allowing and accepting negative attachments to my internal reaction about the death of my friend, believing that I should be able to remain stable as though i am not in this mess together one and equal with the world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to apply what i have realized already that these internal reactions that come up within me are trillions of years old and that they will take time to subside and I will take the time to correct them in doing what is best for myself and other by doing what is best.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myaelf to feel anger towards the individual that jumped my friend attaching a belief that harmful people that hurt others shoukdent be around and by that statement hurting myself and others in reality that do things that cause harm.

I commit myself to breathe and apply myself within writing when ever i experiance internal reactions towards others, projecting on to them my own self created beliefs of who they are is what they do, when this is true infact, but i am not akways around to see what they do therefor I should nott paint a image within myself of who they are and instead aimpky work with what is presented to me through common sense understanding which will enable me to move effectivly within gaining and engaging their own commen sense ablitiy and assisting and supporting unconditional through this realization. no mind is perfect, but the body and that which is here as the physical is and i commit myself to simply observe with breath what is taking place physicaly and to work with that, know that is the best solution to revealing the perfection that all being have and are capable of.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 16 Mar 2015, 13:08

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that through breath and inky breath is the human abke to exist here and now in a manner that matter towards reagarding self and self as life

I forgive myself fir allowing and accepting myself to live out side of breath within an illusion od self where taking self as flesh to power an ego of inequality and oneness based in an illsuion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the out breath to power the injustise and equality justified by the mind as thoughts and patterns that only allow for abuse and inequality where i do nit reagrd life as breath and instead take and give from my flesh to power a system of betrayal and deciet

I commit myself to breath my life in realizing only within breath am i abled to set the limits as life uncondotionaly accepting myself as life and that which I have allowed ajd accepted if myself as life untill it is done through death

I commit myself to underatand the potential of every human through breath to achieve their life as life as common sense and that all humans are equal through breath as life and equalt capable of breathing their acceoted and allowed pattern out through the assistance and support of the body grouped by man individuals breathing for the same purpose.. life!

i c9mmit myself to vlog the gift of my stregths inorder to appeal to the ago and break from the ego apply shock through truth of what man has because by applying breath within every moment estalishing breath as the only point that reveals with the biody point that need release as one communicates with body as breath one is able to physicaly support the body in releasing the points crystalized mainly in the legs, in my legs for certian.

I forgive myself for not taking this realization in letteral terms as physical breath beliefing that it was some kind of magical location when it is not and i have allowed myself to belief that i can be freed when i now understand I am free when all are free and untill then i am to walk this process of breath and understanding Of what true self is.. flesh!

ask yourself this, why to you call you boy friend or girl friend baby? Why do you have sex with the words baby? Are babys not new borns? Ask yourself what is it you are participating with?

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myswlf ti abuse babys in my sexuality by placeing physical words to my actions in sheer abuse and i commit myself to understand that by useing the word baby with a sexual parter i am infact participaring in the atrocitys that hapoen to baby everyday as i forgive myself for all the harm i have caused unto babys though tgat participation and commit myself to never again use the word baby while have sexual intercouse or even communicating with a sexual partner instead i will call em as i see em, my sexual partner.. ""oh yeah my sexual partner" make sense! Fuck yeah!



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Kim S
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Kim S » 16 Mar 2015, 19:07

Cool Luc, and thank you for sharing the realisations about the term of endearment 'Baby'. I have not seen it this way before. For me I have seen the words babe/baby in regards to one's sexual partner as a cute term, like an innocence that one 'feels' when they are so called in love. So within the words there is a lot of energy for sure.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 17 Mar 2015, 11:14

Day 4 regret

Would be to re-get myself or what i gave up of myself. my past was not real in regard to being consistantly high on marijuana. A lot of the mental back chat and processes or layers are deeply dopey lol cause we know dope makes you dopey. So the reaction I experiance in regard to regret here sobor and clear make no fucking sense to me at all.

I wont go in to detail by mentioning what my dopey mind state was in the past but i will go into detail here and now about my experiance of regret.

A great man said once that nothing done while under the influence is real. I attached to those words a great deal of truth. So, I was creating if not real forgiveness and correction - fake fairy shit that was created only through the mind of being influenced. that has cause a lot of regret here and now, because while my starting point was honest the outcome while high could never be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live in regret for my past disicions/actions while high, understanding that most everything I have done had no real outcome that was best for me and others.

I forgive myself for allowing ajd accepting a feeling of regret when I can be soo much more here in now, not tied down by mental struggles I have to advidly allowed in my past and to instead forgive myself and move on.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my thoughts of regret to form a layer of anger as a reaction, anger towards myself for what I have allowed and accepted of such a gifted mind and body that has actual real support values in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself through thoughts of regret, as this is how it is and there is nothing I can do about it. BULLSHIT! i can do it not only to it, shape it! Form it! Build it! Destroy it! I move me!

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting regret in the form of others and what I could have done to make things better for myself and others, a waist of time because that happened only when i decided to drop the dope and take myself back from the mind that is attemoting its revenge through re-get, as though I can put my hand in the past and grab somthing to gain possesion off, never gonna happen, here I can use my hand to shape and re-build myself

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting such a wonderful gift here and now to fall into regret, somthing the world does not need nor the beings in the world And by doing so allowing and accepting the delusion that I can gain somthing by re-getting it. not anymore! I will give unto this world as it has given to me, life! My life will go into this world as Statements of correction and self forgiveness not allowing a single though to move me. But to breathe through me a new way of life.

I commit myself to understand that by going into detail about irrelivent fairyshit i allow and accept the thoughts and attachments of a dopey and i choose not to bare the burden 20 days ago today and I will no longer allow and accept the layers I have applied as a dopey to restrain me here and now, i realize that the pattern of reatraint comes from the attachments of a dope head and the next time I see the reaction triggered by my own past attachments I will stop and breathe. The devil is in the details ahah but I allowed myself as a dopey to be supported by the devil instead of seeing striaght through to the core of me, I, i am, all of it souced by, me, i, i am. a little simpler i say, ok, i am what i do! And i am free to set my own limitations as life!

I have broken trust, perhaps, even distroyed it, no matter, I will write a million days if thats what it takes to build trust, but until then, i will not stop supporting myself improving the quality if my life and yours. I will not give up my process and what i had to go through to get here wont allow for that! I will not trade in this experiance of myself for nothing! no regret, nothing to re-get! I am here as breath and I will make a pierce this system with the tools life has provided me.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 17 Mar 2015, 11:28

I commit myself to slow down when writing. My spelling is so horrible and grammar all over the place. I write fast as i am here and i dont look back to what I write - i should though - to make the writing clear supportive here. I will proof read from now on, my apologies



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 18 Mar 2015, 11:23

Day 5 complications

Comply to caution, complete irritations, sugragation lol 2 pac!

Complication can be tedious if I decide to participate. Although complication is simply doing what has to be done in such a complex system designed to create caution or irritation. With commen sense at hand, complex things can be seen as miniscule even irrelevant. I use to participate with complication as a form or giving up, saying things like, "It's too complicated" and just throw down whatever I was doing all in the face of complication. Well, not anymore, as I breathe and apply myself I can see that complication is like the many teeth on a gear that turns the machince. In the world that machine must be stopped so I have to walk the complication in order to bring about simplicity in my life and the direct world I am influencing. I was reading a forum about the middle east and the horrible things taking place there today. from what I read, only one poster had the great Idea of stopping the fairy shit exchange of knowledge and information to apply that which matters, LIFE! but everyone else wanted to compkicate the situation useing historic events and situation that, to me, are so irrelevant to finding a solution to the problem. Just another form of denial, throwing all this information at a single point. LIFE! 1+1=2

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get upset when I noticed complications being thrown like piles of fairy shit at a very simplistic solution giving statement. I commit myself to understand that the world has become complicated by the means of the few to hold and trap the human into endless debates without ever getting any where with life!

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting the creation of complication, inorder to not face that which I have allowed and accepted in the current world system ajd to keep order amogst the human beings, an order striaght from the top, to hold the human in an abusive pattern of word exchange, driving some even to maddness through the endless pile of fairyshit. I commit myself to realize that I too must swim in this fairy shit to influence in back to bullshit and from there enable people to see what they are actually swimming in, somthing that actually exist but should by all mean not be swam in.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to participate in complication espechaly where I see that I could have made a diffrence even if that diffrence is slight a diffrence non the less. i commit myself to reveale to the world all the possibility that exist with in the 1+1 solution, where all beings together as one is here already and to see that through that simplstic answer we can establish what is best, instead of this messy exchanged that 3 washes cant clean lol

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting complication in my vocab, instead I will call it as I see it - knowledge and information, nothing more then a trap set to hinder ones ability to see striaght through to the truth.

oh and today is 21 days of not smoking weed :)

(\(\
(=';')
(_(")(")



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Kristina
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Kristina » 18 Mar 2015, 20:41

Very cool writing, Luc - and congrats on the 21 days of no smoking weed! Breath by breath, day by day, it can be done!



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 19 Mar 2015, 03:10

In honor of Bernard Poolman

Grew graciously giving the seeds of his labour. leaving leafs life harbours in favor. freeing foggy fallin to rise as creator. Creating cures caused in illness by faulse saviors. seeing so striaght through human behaviour. bold breaking bonds of the gravure. Greater generosity gathered and givin in Great care. kept calm cool in collecting correcting human failure. fasinating to say the least. Offering peace. yet a beast. breathed through the creases of life unseaceing to the very end. Again my friend has lend me a hand to unconditionaly stand and to never again allow myself to bend to abusive trends. "none are free till all are free" "enjoy the ride" "back to the darkness" "die well" "collaps=call laps" "you nasty fucker" "you'll never make it" just a few of the all too supportive staements b has made towards me, i will never give up! impossible! Because I will honor the life he saved in me. not as my savior but as my leader! I needed to be lead! And he lead me right here! Ill see you on the Other side and yes I will die well.




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