My Journey through Life

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Carrie
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Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Carrie » 10 Apr 2015, 23:11

Hey Luc. Thanks for sharing.

A few months ago, my cat that was with me for 16 years, died. I found this blog by Leila to be very supportive: Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

KimS has also been walking the pet mourning process in her blog here: Day 724 - Doing the Best for All at All Times. Part 2 - Putting My Cat to Sleep and Day 725 - Investigating Grief.



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Luc St-Amand
Posts: 183
Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 11 Apr 2015, 03:14

Thanks carrie



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 13 Apr 2015, 13:27

Day 19 sleep paralysis

Yesterday I decided to take a nap, I experienced what id describe as "sleep paralysis" initially is started within the dream, where somone came into my kitchen and I asked who was it as I couldn't move within my dream to see, all that was working was my right eye, everything else could not move, well at one point I was feeling his face with my hands lol I asked him to come to my right side so I could see him, but my view was too tall for him...

My eyes opened in my bedroom but I couldn't wake up, my eyes immediately closed again into a sleep state but I wanted to get up, so I litteraly faught to wake up, once my eyes opened again I throw myself up and was finally awake in my room, scared shitless by what I experianced.

I looked all over desteni for some material on the subject but couldn't find much other then demon possession which does not relate to me at all.

So I checked out wiki and found out a pretty good theory as to what was happinging. Monday to friday I go sleep around 10 and im up at 4, so by taking a nap in the afternoon on the weekend I fucked with my rem sleep patterns. Essentially my body was shutting down for a full night sleep but I only wanted to take an hour nap, so I now know no more naps on the weekend, as I realized they are no longer needed cause my body is without a lot of bs chemicals from weed and cigs.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 15 Apr 2015, 13:33

Day 20 animals

I commit myself to be gental with myself with my participations with animal aswell commit myself to breathe and apply myself within forgiveness doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse animals for my own entertainment, justified by my mind as being young and dumb and not knowing better. All my experiences of abusing animals are from a young age but that does not change what I allowed and accepted myself to participate in the abuse of animals.

When I was young my father taught me how to trap rabbit. My brother and I would trap rabbit to sell in order to fullfill my weed and sweets addiction.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with trapping and killing rabbits souly for self interest purposes. I commit myself to apply what is true, I was a fool that did not know what I was actually doing. Abusing animals for my gain and not actual survival just pure self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse cats, when. When I was a child I remember seeing a cat in my building this cat came up to me and was stroking itself between my legs, I liked it. But.out.of no where this cat aggressively attacked my leg, I.was 5/6/7 young scared by cats after that experience. So I forgive myself for allowing.and accepting myself to attach fear to cats because of an encounter I had with a wild cat. I commit myself to realize that some cats are fucked most likely because of their owners mis treating them or general experience with humans.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach aggression to animal abuse, an aggression that could land.me in jail, at some point in my late teens I attached a compassion to animals where upon seeing animal I abuse I go.fucking crazy! Although an appropriate response I commit myself to breathe and apply common sense within the situation and ask the abuse stop and call the cops if necessary cause there are laws protecting animals its just.the.consequences are not that harsh, I have kicked the shit out of humans that abuse animals and when cops arrived they shook my hand, but I realize now at my age and size that I can kill a man with the aggression I held towards animal abuse. I.commit myself to let go of my anger towards animal abuse that stems from my own greif of a time when I use to hurt animals, a shame in myself that grew to such an.extent, I must learn to let it go.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach grief and shame to myself for what I allowed and accepted myself to do to animals in the past, I.commit.myself to realze that I am not that person and who I am is by my choice what is best for all life including the human. Even the human that abuses animals, they do deserve my compassion although we all have consequences for our actions and hurt animals carriers a huge consequence in my view. I commit myself to breathe and let go of whatever shame and regret surfaces when seeing animal abuse and simply apply commen sense and stand as a guardian for those that can not guard themselves.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 21 Apr 2015, 13:22

Day 21 self doubt

I sure did a lot of doubting of myself in the past. What I noticed recently, it was due to compounding self doubt through participation. Id allow myself to.completely dwell in the thoughts of self doubt without ever stopping myself. Currently it has become easy breathe through letting go of the thoughts that do not best support me within my experiance of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with self doubt by.compounding the thoughts, emotional reactions, feelings. All the while knowing what I was doing to myself and still participating through a self sabatoge stance. To not have to face what I had become and instead continue to live a lie. I commit myself to keep applying myself within self empowerment and self growth, to never again allow myself to doubt who I what to be and who I want to see, which I establish within commin sense as what is best for life, all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take soo long to get down to the point of my self within substance abuse and to make excuse after excuse within self.sabatoge inorder to not face what I knew I will eventually face in.order to break from my preconditions and to stand strong within my participation of self forgiveness and self commitment to establish a routine in my life that is best for my health and reconditioning. I commit myself to realize that that luc is dead and gone and this new luc will need carefull attention to not allow the patterns of old that try to exist within this new version of self, a version far more dignified and secured.

I forgive myself for allowing.and accepting myself to exfoliate my thoughts of self doubt through my participation creating a personality of self sabatoge and deciet that lead me through the same patterns I.circulated within for too long, I commit myself to stand within myself as breath when i noticed the minds attemptes to self sabatoge my old self allowed self conditioning to come through , where I apply breath and reason within knowing myself and what I stand for which I assert over and over again if necessary that I stand for a dignified life for myself and for all. Knowing that changing the world can only be done by my physical participation and that the sysytem will do.anything and everything to stop me, so I establish within myself the strength to give this life up to equality and let go of self interest to assist the build foundations that will support the world, that will support myself.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 23 Apr 2015, 13:52

Day 22 allowances

Obviously what happens within me is allowed through me. The idea that thoughts, feelings, and emotions can invade me from the outside makes little sense to me. In some way shape or form, I allow the thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Which is a scary thought, to realize just what I have allowed and accepted myself to participate with.

I was reading a post by a destonian about allowing a single thought to go undirected and by doing so allowing my entire day to be dictated by that undirected thought, feeling, or emotion. I find this occures a lot with being frustrated, if something doesn't go accordingly I become frustrated. An example would be hitting my finger with my hammer, it is bound to happen and when it does there is the natural reaction of "ouch" or concern. Typically I speak the myself to breathe and not participate with thinking and bring myself here with the hammer cause almost always when I strike my finger its because I am not here with it, I am thinking about other non relevant stuff.

None the less there is a switch or a seed I am planting within the first strike because I strike my finger againt I immediately become anger, overwhelmed with a sense of concern for my finger. And now I am frustrated and somtimes swing my hammer harder and faster in an attempt to.compensate for somthing I guess. Thats when I allow myself to become allowances, I attempt to talk to myself to calm down but the concern and reaction of frustration outweighs my self, this all happens within seconds, and ill wave my hand a go, "ooooowww, eeeeeee" lol and now I speak to myself, I say ok luc, slow down... take it easy, don't allow yourself to not be here with the hammer, remain stable, breathe, and I am calm, but there is a seed planted in me, cause now if anything doesnt.go accordingly, I bring myself to frustration a lot quicker, like a measurement that was a quater inch off, normaly id just go down he stage and correct the measurement, but if I am already frustrated by a previous incident, I get angery much.quicker, certianly.somthing examine within myself.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 24 Apr 2015, 03:00

The past week I have had thoughts about useing marijuana. Not about buying weed and smoking it, instead how it would feel, how long I have been sobor, how would I act, should I, should I not, im curious, and the.information around the the thoughts are my past experiances with useing marijuana. All I know is what happens within my and I know I want to get rid of it. So these thoughts are in relationship to memory. When I think of useing most of the reactions are based in the point of curiosity, the feel, the effect, all from past memories of when I got high, the vibration, the act of smoking, holding in my breath, the wave of... numbness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach a liking to the physical effects of marijuana, to attach a belief that "I like the feeling weed gives me" somewhere a long the way.

A co-worker lit a j, a thought poped up to smoke with him, I said to myself "I gotta work" and "ill get right fucked up and won't be able to focus at my job. A thought poped up in reaction, "heck maybe another time" but I reacted by saying, "do I want to.go through that experience of myself?" Did I really walk 57 days only to do it again, NO!! But this is what is happening in me and I must pull it out!

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach curiosity to being sobor for so long and the intense high of smoking weed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with thoughts of getting high, although I thank myself for establishing a base of self considerations, a base best for myself, as 13 years of use has shown me that I do not need nor want marijuana but the loops are still there. So accordingly I pull them out.

I said to my co-worker, "ill smoke with you when we go camping this june, "imagen how fucked up ill get" "ill probably laugh untill my abs hurts" "heck its a good ab workout" "seriously though, ill get soo fucking high because of how long its been"

What is it here that I am playing with? A desire to feel the physical effects? Well obviously

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach a desire to feel physical effects again with a curiosity to how the physical effects with feel.

I have stopped for periods of time and used again... I know the physical effects of weed when I havent used in a long time.. how can that be curiosity? Hmmm maybe just a plain and simple self interest towards fucking myself up in weed, a self interest to the feel of weed, much like sex, but that's another point all together im sure.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to base self interest in getting high because of my desire to feel somthing, to feel the vibrations, to feel the effects of weed.

I say to myself, "I know the effects and I dont like them" but I remember having serious laughing fits when smoking weed after awhile of none use.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach value in the laughing fits I got when smoking weed after a long time of being sober.

I hear my co-worker agree, "yeah man, you'll get fucked lol" and I react within, saying things like, "yeah I will" im close to my co-worker he is my brother, so I feel a certian comfortably from his words, a feeling of old when we got stoned together.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach comfort to smoking weed because it will be smoked with my brother, dampering or attempting to sneak it by my stand against smoking weed. Tricky tricky system.. nonono you wont fool me.

Although that entails that I have a starting point of negative towards useing, if I am trying to justify useing or make it seem not that bad to use, that it will be fun, ill laugh, itll feel good.. hmmmm

Well obviously luc, you have seen yourself destroy your self slowly and surely in your 13 years of smoking, it has had a very clear negative impact on your life, stop trying to turn shit around on yourself, stop trying to lie to yourself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to turn negative starting points of destruction in my life into somthing that is a point that needs to be face! Fairy shit! I stand against weed use because it has shown me very clearly to have negative effects in my life! This aint a fairy tale game! I aint playing with words here, this is my life and I will not allow my mind to tip fucking toe around the points.

I forgive myself to allowing and accepting myself to abuse knowledge and information about negative and positive in an attempt to turn what is clearly negative in my life into somthing else to again attempt to trick myself.

When I see money on my table, I somtimes have said, "look at that, I got money" I imagen where that money would be lol actually I know where it would be, on my table in the form of weed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with thoughts and memories of the past of a time when I spent all my money of weed. Let it go luc, all of it! All the memories, all the attachments, no more using, no more questioning or wandering, you have been through it, you stop! You face every point, you forgive every point, not just here but while it is happening, while at work tomorrow, you face what you have become by grabbing it, not reacting, you hold it and question it! Within the context of the stand you have made for your self 57 days ago. You remove it, you stand no longer with it, you deconstruct, de program, every single fucking point until it is done.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 29 Apr 2015, 00:23

Ignorance.

I was reading a few updates about the middle east and "the war on terror". The joint coalitions bombarding the middle east killing targeted isis members and even innocent civilians. None the less when I got to the comments thread I was appalled by most of the comments being made in sheer ignorance of the facts. Im not exactly sure why I judge another as ignorant... well actually I do! Because I made a choice several years ago to not only see the effects but also the cause, the source. Within myself and my world, which has allowed me to be very affective in finding the root cause and also seeing the solutions. Back on track, people are sooo quick to judge isis members as Islamic extremists with ever asking the question, why? Of course everyone is different but we can all relate to my next point. The USA and Russia have been plaguing the middle east for centuries. Mainly for oil purposes, the Islamic people have been bombarded with war and deciet all in the name of big corporations driven by control and power grabs, and we all know the animosity between the USA and Russia is enormous. Anyways these people have never had a democracy, their leaders have always been put in place by Washington to fullfill their desire for oil and ultimately control. Years and years we have been bombing these people for our oil interest and when the first indigenous uprising comes along (isis) and fights back, they are immediately labeled as terrorists. They are not terrorists and if you do the research you can clearly see they are simply defending their way of life. While the back bad bullies called NATO run around bullying the world to best suit their pursuit of money!!!

Not just that though ignorance is a weed growing everywhere in all aspects of society. Look how humans talk to one another when they disagree with eachother perspective. Rude, threatening, obnoxious, ignorantly. No cares to have a look deeper into the words people use, no one cares to view the other as themselves, human! You can be all googy gaga soft spoken and kind and if what you say is not inline with their ignorance you are quickly shunned disbanded as a rebel! Well good, id rather be labeled a rebel then accept and allow the fairyshit to continue!

All around this world you can find pure ignorance. Landing on the moon while children starve.. full grown men playing with sticks and pucks for a price that could end world poverty.. men AND women looking to all fuck one another as though sex gives up nutrients... the endless arguments of words used in an argument completely negating the fucking points of the aguement... as though saying somthing is wrong, is wrong, because really it's bad?!?!? Like wtf! People actually do this, cloud themselves willfully as though there is a grounded arguement against feeding starving children, a grounded arguement in slaughtering our brothers and sisters! Well im here to tell you the instance you open your mouth with words that justify why this happens, I am immediately saddened, saddened by my own conviction of what life should be, which is free! Free to live and explore, free to grow and restore itself without any conflict, without any disturbance, free to live and die with out fear!

No one has all the answers, because we all have the answers. No one is truly living life until all are truly living life, no one, no one, no one, other than all of us. No one is free until all are free! So get up, get out there, and shake the human awake, shake ourselves awake! Hawhahawha
o/ chow



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Luc St-Amand
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Joined: 13 Nov 2012, 16:54

Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 01 May 2015, 08:45

Between sleep and awake.

I hear an amplified sound. Not like a specific sound but a an increase in sound pick-up. In between being somwhere else yet im laying on my bed. Describing it is difficult, but I am scared.... I dont exactly know why? Its just dark.. I hear a baby cackle, I participate in homosexuality, I get drunk... like wtf!?! I sense somthing dark, I sense that I am not alone? But I tell myself, I'm in my room im ok, but im pulled into a thought or I hear a sound. Offten an amplified sound kinda like static, its frightening because it's so sudden. I'm confused, I dont know why.its happening to me, I thought because I was messing with my sleep but I use to take naps all the time and I never experienced this so intensely before, It's dreadful to go through worse is my fear that it will continue or get worse. There has been one change in my life, weed, maybe what I was suppressing, maybe I fucked some chemical balance in my brain. Rrrr!! I am scared upon waking myself up, because I dont feel alone in my room, but I dare whatever it is to expose itself so I could fight it or something... a weird experience entirely, something I am definitely not use too. Aww man now I gotta get back to bed! But I'm scared, I worry it will happen agian. Like wtf!! Crazy person speaking lol fuck!



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: My Journey through Life

Postby Luc St-Amand » 05 May 2015, 13:23

Compassion

I have found myself overwhelmed by it at times. This desire to help those in need of assistance. A few days ago, there was a skunk in the canal. It seemed lost running back and forth looking for a way out. The locks were open so he had space on the sides to walk although it was muddy and I could tell he was struggling. Within my thoughts, was him drowning as the locks are about to be closed for the spring season. I felt bad, I wanted help but I was sure how, I mean its a skunk if I get too close it could spray me. I called the city and they said, "if he found his way in the canal he will find a way out" I disagreed and told them it could drown, the girl laughed trying to reassure me it wouldn't. I know it could not find away out because it was looking at every drain hole it passed but the holes were to small, there was no way thats how he got in there. I know from experience riding my bike along the canal in the morning that he probably got spooked by a cyclist and fell in. I was sad because I had to get to work but I didnt want it to drown.. that evening heading home from work, I noticed the locks were closed and the canal was full, I.could not wish more that somone helped him out, but who is going to help a skunk? I would take the hit if I didnt have to get to work, but still how could I have assisted with out putting myself at risk of being bit or somthing. Idk, I hope the city is prepared to deal with skunks and I hope they help the poor guy out.

Compassion without the ability to act upon it is.bothersome, I guess its a good engaging force that could lead to assistance, but if there is no way to assistance I'd rather go without the compassion. Of course there are worse things happening in the world, but for that skunk he was in a bad position and probably wasnt aware of it. I wonder if skunks can swim, google!




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