The past week I have had thoughts about useing marijuana. Not about buying weed and smoking it, instead how it would feel, how long I have been sobor, how would I act, should I, should I not, im curious, and the.information around the the thoughts are my past experiances with useing marijuana. All I know is what happens within my and I know I want to get rid of it. So these thoughts are in relationship to memory. When I think of useing most of the reactions are based in the point of curiosity, the feel, the effect, all from past memories of when I got high, the vibration, the act of smoking, holding in my breath, the wave of... numbness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach a liking to the physical effects of marijuana, to attach a belief that "I like the feeling weed gives me" somewhere a long the way.
A co-worker lit a j, a thought poped up to smoke with him, I said to myself "I gotta work" and "ill get right fucked up and won't be able to focus at my job. A thought poped up in reaction, "heck maybe another time" but I reacted by saying, "do I want to.go through that experience of myself?" Did I really walk 57 days only to do it again, NO!! But this is what is happening in me and I must pull it out!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach curiosity to being sobor for so long and the intense high of smoking weed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with thoughts of getting high, although I thank myself for establishing a base of self considerations, a base best for myself, as 13 years of use has shown me that I do not need nor want marijuana but the loops are still there. So accordingly I pull them out.
I said to my co-worker, "ill smoke with you when we go camping this june, "imagen how fucked up ill get" "ill probably laugh untill my abs hurts" "heck its a good ab workout" "seriously though, ill get soo fucking high because of how long its been"
What is it here that I am playing with? A desire to feel the physical effects? Well obviously
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach a desire to feel physical effects again with a curiosity to how the physical effects with feel.
I have stopped for periods of time and used again... I know the physical effects of weed when I havent used in a long time.. how can that be curiosity? Hmmm maybe just a plain and simple self interest towards fucking myself up in weed, a self interest to the feel of weed, much like sex, but that's another point all together im sure.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to base self interest in getting high because of my desire to feel somthing, to feel the vibrations, to feel the effects of weed.
I say to myself, "I know the effects and I dont like them" but I remember having serious laughing fits when smoking weed after awhile of none use.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach value in the laughing fits I got when smoking weed after a long time of being sober.
I hear my co-worker agree, "yeah man, you'll get fucked lol" and I react within, saying things like, "yeah I will" im close to my co-worker he is my brother, so I feel a certian comfortably from his words, a feeling of old when we got stoned together.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach comfort to smoking weed because it will be smoked with my brother, dampering or attempting to sneak it by my stand against smoking weed. Tricky tricky system.. nonono you wont fool me.
Although that entails that I have a starting point of negative towards useing, if I am trying to justify useing or make it seem not that bad to use, that it will be fun, ill laugh, itll feel good.. hmmmm
Well obviously luc, you have seen yourself destroy your self slowly and surely in your 13 years of smoking, it has had a very clear negative impact on your life, stop trying to turn shit around on yourself, stop trying to lie to yourself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to turn negative starting points of destruction in my life into somthing that is a point that needs to be face! Fairy shit! I stand against weed use because it has shown me very clearly to have negative effects in my life! This aint a fairy tale game! I aint playing with words here, this is my life and I will not allow my mind to tip fucking toe around the points.
I forgive myself to allowing and accepting myself to abuse knowledge and information about negative and positive in an attempt to turn what is clearly negative in my life into somthing else to again attempt to trick myself.
When I see money on my table, I somtimes have said, "look at that, I got money" I imagen where that money would be lol actually I know where it would be, on my table in the form of weed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate with thoughts and memories of the past of a time when I spent all my money of weed. Let it go luc, all of it! All the memories, all the attachments, no more using, no more questioning or wandering, you have been through it, you stop! You face every point, you forgive every point, not just here but while it is happening, while at work tomorrow, you face what you have become by grabbing it, not reacting, you hold it and question it! Within the context of the stand you have made for your self 57 days ago. You remove it, you stand no longer with it, you deconstruct, de program, every single fucking point until it is done.