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Day 63 – Victimization
I am going to try to deconstruct the victim part of my mind as much as I can, and also talk about it in various ways.
I’ll start with my childhood. A child is something very curious, because he comes from a so shiny place that he still in the same rythm he was before being borned, he sees the world and the words and everything like, if it still was part of the story he was living before being borned. Like if he was so free that he is not able to judge anything, he never learnt how to deffend himself, he didn’t need it in the place where he is coming from, but he is coming to this world, and he doesn’t know that he need to not accept everything that happens in this world, this world is something artifitial, unreal, dead, it’s not going to support you experience life, in fact this world wants your life, this world likes to abuse life. So, the child will not be able to deffend himself, but he do is able to judge the world and everything. He will know exactly what is going on, why is going on, how honest it is. But he will not have the necessary tools to not integrate the abuse into him. I’ll continue now with my fother and my mother.
I can resume both of them in this two ways, they are sentences for you to see the core of their minds if that exist. Fother: Don’t be a loser like me!! You MUST be better than everything I have ever been!! You are all that I have ever wanted, to avoid solving my life honestly!! You will carry my own responsability, it’s the right thing to do!!! Mother: What’s going on???!!!! Why did you do this to me??!!!!! Don’t you love me? Be a good boy!! Be that and everything will be alright.
So these are the two of them. What I felt as a child was, they would do something to me that I would not stand for because I was a child, they would make me feel in a certain way, and once I am that, once I am not centered in myself, once I separated myself from my heart, I will tell them Why did you do this to me?! And then, just vacuum. Totally ignored, just a child with no value. I was not listened, at all, not a single time in my life, not a single time I was given the attention that I knew I was. So what can I do now?? There is this energetic charge they have forced into me, and now I am not self-centered, what can I do? Where am I? And then I would just go alone, and start creating stories, comparing the way I am feeling, to how I really was. It has been something cool to see for example, poems I did as a child, and see how I talked about the heart and something deep, and that it was the most important thing for me. And I saw how I was already separated from that, it wasn’t anymore a living experience for me. I was very depressed. I hated my parents, both of them, my mother the most. And I could not explain it, in words, but I knew and always kept with me, that I knew what they had done to me.
When I grew up, I enjoyed being a victim, very much, I would feed from that. I would be given, what I have always felt missing, what I have always felt I deserve, it became something I enjoyed. This used to happen to me and to this days still happens, because even if I knew deep inside me, that I was right, nothing, nothing was there to support me. I was not self-honest enough, to trust me. And even if I had managed to be that, it would have made things even harder for me, because my fall later would have been greater. Because basically, everything was against me. All I needed was a little guidance, a small one, to tell me trust yourself! You are not evil! They don’t understand, you have a lot of value! So, as a child I was not given attention, for example my mother would do things for me, but always as a way of compensating how guilty she feels for not solving herself and paying it with me. She would try to solve the whole world, but herself, in a way of avoiding self-responsability. And so I would not be able to forgive her, and have something real with her, where I am sharing my honest truth. My honest truth, is something I can share with everyone, it’s something I create in myself so I can share it with who I want, even with people who don’t deserve it, because it’s never about them, it’s who I am. So with people like my mother, I gave to them something that was never meant to be, I pretended to love them, I thought I could make it real since I am in this situation. But illutions only last for so long, and I had to end hating her, and she felt she lost her child. But I was never borned to give her anything, it’s just not who I am, I have a lot to give but that doesn’t mean that I am going to support your lies. So, as a child because I was not able to be the victim for once, to be really helped and held, I made myself believe that I was not the victim. That everything that I was feeling, that they were feeling about me, it was about me because I am not the victim, so it’s my fault. And this is something that conditioned my view completely, it changed it to a whole complete perspective. I forced myself to carry everything in me, and they would not even know what they were doing to me. The result was that I was like they wanted to be, that way they were happy, if I am the same abuse, I can even support it, it’s perfect for you! To not solve yourself! It’s like if you were feeding of my life because of who you are wthin yourself. But the responsability is mine, I was the one who made the illution real by participating. And I won’t blame me for that, I was a child, there was really nothing I could do. I thought at the beggining of my life that if I loved them they would change. They never did, and they proved that to me one time and another.
So, I would deny my own heart, for me to not accept that I am the victim of this situation, and then it’s my fault. And then because I believe it to be my fault, if I am the victim, that’s like WOW really? But it’s my fault, do I deserve that? Is that me? And, I also want to say that it’s not like I want to get attached to being a victim, I mean with the time it became that, but all I ever needed as a child was to allow that to be expressed, for once, to release it, and be helped. That’s all. The rest came later, with time.
Now comes the cool part. Who am I? Am I a victim? Am I to blame? Am I a hero? A looser? Am I someone insecure? Am I shy? Am I a good or a bad person? I could be a loooot of things, in relation to another loooot of things. But who was I at first? What was in me? There was something that felt good, complete, fair, trustworthy, lovely. Is that a hero? I guess I am my hero, because I have always admired me for just, being who I am. Is there something more than that? Could I ever be something else than that? I don’t want, never, in my life, to not be that. I want to be just what I am. That’s more than enough for this life time. So then, what has changed in me? Why am I not the same child, and at the same time I am? Because at first, I was my nature, I was me, it was what I was. But I was not seeing me, I simply was. Now, I can see me, I can touch me, I can create me, I can experience me, I can understand me, I can stand for me. It’s a different story, but the same. I would not change anything that ever happened to me, I have learnt so many things, I have felt in so many ways, I have realized who am I. That’s what’s different now, I have realized myself. So, I’d like that this supports people understand that, they are that which they are seeking, but they have to be that. It won’t accept any less than that. It should not. It wants you to be worthy of yourself, only then you will accept each other. And then there is no blame, no anger, no boredom, no sadness. What I find is that as long as I stand for this, I will be this. And thereforce I could look for things that supports this expression. Like art, or singing, expanding limits.
Now, I know that there is people who won’t change even if I love them. I can’t do anything for that, I just can’t change you. You have a rol within all of this as I do, you are as important as I am. This life exists with no barriers, you can go where you want, explore what you want, feel what you want, it’s all there for you to see. Who are you is the important question. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in mind illutions that does not support this world.
This whole text, it’s a lovely piece of art that is in everybody and everything, it’s something I am going to carry to where I go, it’s my own process.