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Day 14 – The purpose
I have found my purpose in this life, I have found why I am here for. This purpose, feels like a distant call, a distant voice, that I heard once while sleeping in another life. It’s like something that resonates with the totallity of what I have lived in this live, it resonates with it and says: “You always felt that you had to remain as you, and from here, you will create everything you are going to create in your life”.
This purpose tells me: direct everything to yourself, always to yourself, no matter how guilty, bad, wrong or evil you feel, or they make you feel, direct it to yourself and eventually you will be constant, infinite, and from there you will lead this world, your world. They will be surprised, they will love you or hate you, and you will be the most honest, trust worthy being you know, and you won’t allow the evil to exist. And you will know the eternal life.
So, purpose, I got so surprised when I realized that there is no purpose, I was addicted to it, and it made me suffer but I needed to feel right, in place, I needed to feel I am doing what I have to, that the world can see that I am doing what I have to, and I can feel normal, like a person, with fear, and escaping from it, and at the same time working for it.
Purpose. What happens when you realize that there is no purpose? You will have to face everything that you made your purpose, you will have to face your memories, your feelins, your world, you will have to face how you gave your purpose to something, and it became your purpose, how untill this very day you have been creating a purpose to escape what is inevitably coming. What happens is that you see parts of yourself, you feel them, you are them, they are in your mind, and you have to put a hand in your heart, in your chest, and say out loud what you did, why you did it, why it was dishonest, how you are going to create honesty. And your feelins and your head will shake, and you will know that you can in fact feel, that you are alive, that you can explore yourself, that you have the chance to do that, to set you free, and you will be gratefull that you are not sleeping.
So purpose, what is purpose? Purpose is the addiction we use to escape the truth of ourselves, that we are based on fear, that we are working on dishonesty, that we have an unresolved world we would prefer not to face. Purpose is what you use to believe dishonesty, to deny your oness and your real solitute.
What is my purpose? Is my purpose to fear not having enough money? No. Is my purpose to have studies and feel of worth? No. Is my purpose even, to play the guitar and be a musician? No, guitar is merely a tool I use to express something that is bigger than me. No, I am not even a musician, I am not my guitars, I am more than all of this, I am not borned to be a musician and play the guitar eternally, I am more than that, what I feel is more.
And what happens when I stop dividing myself with purposes? I look directly at it, I can’t escape it anymore, I have to face what is here, and I feel gratefull that I am alive, that I can express things that are inside of me, I have to look what is really in my breath, I can’t avoid anymore looking at it with my chase of fearfull purposes.
And then it comes to, how can I be my purpose eternally? How can I be prepared to face this world? Where will I find the strenght to remain as me in every moment of every breath trusting myself untill the end of my life?
I don’t know right now, all I can say is that I am taking everything back to self, slowly but surely.