Mike you have no backbone!
I had this incident in my bathroom where I passed out and the consequences where more severe than I anticipated. Friday last week I had one of my appointments with my therapist because of problems with my spine. It’s a reoccurring thing. Partly because of how I (ab)used my body in relation to BMX and other sports in the past. But since I focussed more on walking my process within and as a relationship, I have never been without pain in my spine. Now I have and had problems in all areas of my spine for a long time. But as I started walking my relationship the points between my shoulder blades and in my neck started becoming real articulate. C1,C4,C5,C6. The C4 especially because it’s fitting in between soft bone that was actually deformed a few years ago where I was attacked from behind by someone very close to me who got possessed and hammer fisted me on exactly that C4 point. From that moment that C4 point was giving me permanent discomfort and radiating pain down and around my kidney area.
If C4 was hanging out and I didn’t correct that by going to my therapist the vertebrae above C4 and the area in my lower back would in time start to realign as well. It’s called ‘compensation’ (flagpoint*). During my relationship I always had pain in that area and I connected that pain to being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life. Placed that within me as the ultimate betrayal of my trust and an act of cowardliness and so forth. So it became a point of blame. I never took the real effort of investigating this specific point into the nitty gritty walking my relationship. That area in my spine is connected to my neck, shoulders and arms so I connect this point with self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.
In the past 7 months as I started to loose weight and walked into these challenges related to work my upper spine became more and more stable while pain started to manifest in my lower back. So my initial observation was that my lower back was compensating for what was going on in my upper spine. But the pain became worse and worse until it started manifesting in my SI joint. Now this is a different joint compared to the rest of the spine. SI is two long stretches of bone with a long contact surface connecting to the pelvis but no real joint construction as such. There is a lot of pressure on these joints so if they are out of alignment and a nerve gets squashed one will feel this without a doubt. That’s what happened. My SI went out of alignment to the left side and took L4 and L5 with-it. And this gave me lot’s of discomfort. Besides that I became tired real fast so I needed a lot of sleep to keep myself more or less stable. Now doing physical work in this condition (according to my therapist) is out of the question but I didn’t had that advice at that point and I had work to do. So I did photo shoots, drove around etcetera.
The problems became worse when I had to do a photo shoot in Germany where I had to drive more than 20 hours without air-conditioning in a small car. After like 6 hours my left buttock started radiating this painful numbness and within less than a few hours the backside of my left leg and my knee was in pain as well. Getting out of the car became painful and walking around with a camera in awkward positions only made it worse. The next day I drove home and the pain only got worse. Now all this time as these problems with my spine manifested, I was unable to really train or work out. And that has always been my stability point. If my mind starts fucking with me and I’m not able to do physical work or exercise it becomes very hard for me to remain stable.
Thormod did an awesome video where this point is addressed as well. This video was an eye opener for me and I’m so grateful that Tormod took the effort of sharing himself so openly. That was real support for me because it showed me a lot about myself and the dimensions within this point. To make a long story short. If I would have had a regular job instead of being self employed I would have called in sick the moment this pain in my lower back started manifesting. The problem is that I cannot call in sick. I would have to call myself… I don’t have insurance because it’s way to expensive. So its sort of a catch 22.
But within all of this I notice a pattern, a coping mechanism as a character I developed since high school. If resistance and discomfort get to a level where I start feeling depressed and hopeless because I cant time out and have to get shit done I will fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’. I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort. And people who don’t really knows me will not notice it. I’m fully aware it’s not supporting me and that it puts even more stress on my body but at these points in time I see no more alternatives except robbing a bank or something. And within all of this going on I didn’t really communicate with my partner that it was this bad.
Besides the mechanical damage and pain that is irreversible, my spine has become a reference point, a monitor of sorts. If something is shifting/changing in my reality my spine usually shifts with it. So it’s always an indicator that there is something going on. During the time leading up to events that blew up my relationship I was also struggling with work and being self employed. I connected this lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I connect stability to my lower back. That was mostly the L4 vertebrae. Work and money as stability is so elementary because it influences everything because it’s hard-wired into everything I call my life. Witch isn’t a happy worry free life to be self-honest. Money is the fundamental point in this world and so over time it has become the fundamental point in my life.
Bernard ones stated that each one only represent one point. One point that we will defend with our lives. We will die for this one point if we belief it to be right. That that one point is like a puzzle to complete the mind fuck of consciousness that makes one feel important and have purpose. Each one will face this one point and either give it up and rebirth or die defending it.
Imagine--each being has only ever existed as one point--yes--just one--one sentence--one jailterm.
When we got to the one atom Gods--each existed as the past lives--only one point--one sentence--repeating itself over and over again--life after life--always forgetting.
Now I came across these statement yesterday and I noticed myself rising up in my chair because my ex partner pointed this out in the past as well but I could never place it in my reality in awareness of what it actually entails. I’m not sure if I can in this moment but my gut is telling me that it is time to start investigating this more specifically because there was such a strong physical reaction within me as I took in the words. Like something opened up inside. This feeling of having something on the tip of my tongue but nothing coming over my lips. A very strong awareness of my mind stepping in as well. Almost like this sound of a big door shutting with a loud echo! This is where I have my attention…
I can ask myself this question. What’s that one point? I will not be able to answer that question because the mathematician that programmed and encrypted this point made sure I wouldn’t be able to find it. So I asked myself the question: What am I not allowed to see as the key to revealing this point? And as simple as that question was was seeing the answer. SELF HONESTY. The one thing I avoided religiously in my life. Being self honest! The key to finding out who I am. Now for the first time in my life I’m making this connection between self honesty as action and relationships and regret! Within this I also see overlap and similarities regarding my ex partner. Without our relationship and what we walked I wouldn’t be able to see this in the first place.
So first of is self honesty in itself. Meaning taking responsibility for who I am totally but especially the hidden and suppressed versions of me. Tadaa! Response ability! Now ask anyone who knows me long enough and the first thing they will say is that taking responsibility is not part of Mikey’s behaviour. I'm one of the irresponsibles. It’s who I always pretended to be, what I projected outwards and became. This anti establishment artist, this creative, expressive, irresponsible, I don’t give a fuck, anti social, loud mouthed, adrenaline junkie. And it’s true. It's the reality I created for myself. But why did I do this? Somewhere a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…”. It's one of the characters the system is more or less able to accept as nuts and still make some sense to people.
That’s the slot I decided to make my own in the beehive. I see a lot of people from my generation struggle with their lives in relation to our upbringing, our world views and how the world has changed. I desperately wanted to be normal and fit in but whatever I did I always came out at the same end. People I worked with and worked for where always satisfied with my moral and the way I committed to work and getting things done. Family and friends had a completely different opinion. So it’s quite understandable that my parents didn’t understand these apparent contradictions within how they experienced me and the contradictory feedback they got from so called figures of authority. I performed exceptionally when I was doing internships and was working with my hands and had to solve practical problems while in the past I had to do psychological tests because teachers had no clue as to why I wasn’t putting out better grades in school. And all he time there was this slumbering awareness that I was alone in all of this and this feeling never left me. Within that the term 'Generation X' was is used to classify my generation.
the generation born after that of the baby boomers (roughly from the early 1960s to mid 1970s), typically perceived to be disaffected and directionless. Generation X has grown up with IT.
ORIGIN 1950s: in recent use popularized by Douglas Coupland in his novel Generation X (1991).
dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control: a military plot by disaffected elements in the army.
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: past participle of disaffect, originally in the sense ‘dislike or disorder’, from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2.
make (someone) dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control; alienate: what these ads do is disaffect the voting public.
ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2. The original sense was ‘dislike’.
a state of confusion
ORIGIN late 15th cent. (as a verb): alteration, influenced by order, of earlier disordain, from Old French desordener, ultimately based on Latin ordinare ‘ordain’.
- Dislike (also disliked)
- Dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control
And that sums up the primary programs that make up the angry artist aka stuntman Mike.
I made these components into me as I got more feedback from my environment I slowly but surely started identifying myself with these points. Because the feedback I got from people in this reality, be it school related, work related or hobby related, always classified and judged me in relation to one or several of these points. He’s a very expressive child BUT… And then some pseudo psychological conclusion would be projected unto me.
Now beneath this all is a great sense of insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective on the matter when I asked people I considered figures of authority including my parents about these things. But that insecurity or fear within me was nothing more than seeing for real how fucked up my world really is. And I was very intimidated by the world. If you have no voice and at the same time are not able to make sense of the world you live in, what do you do? You seek comfort, a safe place in whatever form. My safe place, as I see it now was within physical activity, preferably outside and with my BMX bike involved. Without BMX I would probably not have survived. The insecurity and fear that is permanently with me only disappears when I'm on my bike or doing something extreme and physical. So I got addicted to that feeling. It was my place of comfort and solitude.
As in, no self direction, no clarity, no understanding, not seeing, no context, no focus point, selective in what I accepted as authority in my life (it had to suit me!) and not willing to commit to things I judged as normal related to people and events in my life.
I had only one truth, my truth. I was in this alone and I was superior (and shit scared and insecure of coarse), I wouldn’t and couldn’t accept authority without extreme energetic reactions within me, I was reacting energetic to everything anyhow, I couldn’t participate in normal social activities with other children. I tried and managed more or less but I always ended up outside the ‘circle of trust’! The weird one that is not participating and reading comics instead of participating with other kids on a birthday party. Children where fascinated as they where reluctant to really be my friends.
The more I was confronted with these points the more dissatisfied I became with my reality and especially the people in it. Any chance I got I would try to hide myself and run away from my responsibilities in some sort of spectacular fashion. I had to get it my way always and within that I experienced little to no resistance as a child. But as I grew older these patterns as personalities as entities grew as well. In some weird way I’m now starting to see those situations I created in my life as the breadcrumbs I left behind for myself to maybe find my way back. This feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation has never left me EVER! On top of that it’s also in my DNA. The family from my mothers side all have this undercurrent in their expression of being dissatisfied all the time. Expressing itself as wining, complaining and blaming others for their dissatisfaction! And within that the concept of self-responsibility and self-honesty as behaviour is completely non present. The expression of dissatisfaction on the other hand is present in almost every refraction of behavior within that family. I’m half of that on DNA level so that explains one or two things.
Being negative, Judging people, compartmentalizing people, always expecting the worse, it’s not cool, it’s not good, it should be done in a different way, I know better, let me fucking show it to you, fighting for limitations as excuses for not having to change anything within and as me whatsoever, not able to deal with critique, tons of self judgement, insecurity, distorted self image, behaving grumpy and agitated, always projecting. A volcano spewing out negativity as judgement on the world and everything that’s wrong with it (without taking any self responsibility for my role within this reality).
The practical way of making sure I’m not even asked or invited to become more than I am within relationships and friendships with others. I alienated myself just enough to never be in that position of having to stand up or take responsibility within a relationship. Eventually everybody who tried gave up because I was to alien in my behaviour. People felt more or less ashamed having me in their presence so that worked perfectly. I alienated myself specifically. Meaning with some people I did it more than with others in order to create relationships so I would look somewhat normal. All that to make sure I got what I wanted out of the relationship without having to change my behaviour too much and create that safe space I needed to be alone without to much responsibility for others or myself in my life.
I realize that I hurt a lot of people who could have been really good friends up to this day by doing this. This point is very prominent in my life because al other points serve this purpose. Alienate, myself so I become an alien so I don’t have to associate myself with the rest so I can be a-part from the rest and dwell in my own lonely universe of dissatisfaction and confirm to myself that it’s all out there and not within me. That I’m a-part instead of part-off. What would have happened if someone had taken me under his or her wings to guide me within these points as a child? My potential would have been activated and by now I know that that was not the plan because I can make a lot of noise and doing that within and as my potential was not part of the plan. I always judged myself as not intelligent or intellectual but at the same time I saw myself doing all this stuff that required rational thinking and problem solving skills. No problem, let’s just accept and suppress that as part of the disorders psychologists placed on me. I’m crazy as hell anyway so let’s be mad witch gets me to the next point.
I diss orders. I accepted and allowed myself to become the definition of this word in peoples perception of me. And it worked like a charm up to this moment sitting here writing. Who wants to be associated with someone who has a disorder, is weird, different, confronting, present, nasty, spiky, rude, aggressive, spiteful, secretive, over active, talks too much, doesn’t perform, unsuccessful, unstable, unpredictable and so forth? Only the other weird ones in this world found me because likes attracts likes. That’s where you end up in an mental institute or in art school with all the other so called misfits and artists that apparently have no functional place in society. Perfect, another confirmation. I was weird thus special.
It came to a point where I saw myself manipulating someone during a job interview when I was asked to tell something about myself and I started enthusiastically summing up all these so called negative labels people had put on me over the years as these disorders. In the mean time pretending I was not affected by them at all in a very self confident, laughable and absolute manner. I then turned the whole thing around and showed the person my portfolio of work saying: “and this is what this lunacy produced”. And so I sold myself as the complete package and this person had no other choice than to hire me. However, I drove this person nuts eventually so he had to fire me as well. Another reason for me to be even more disaffected with the world and people in it. And that behaviour became worse and worse over the years.
And here the Latin root of the word ‘disorder as in ‘ordinary’ says it all. I’m no different. I’m not special. In fact, my behaviour makes me one of the most ordinary people in this world. Fucked and programmed to eventually give up and give in. I have made myself the practical example that stands for deviant behaviour as the symbol for behaviour that is not going to get you anywhere in this world. I’m here as the polarity point of ‘ordinary’ in order to scare people away from behaving to critical or maybe try a different approach. I stand as a scarecrow for those kind of people. The living proof that you better stick to what works or you will end up like him=me. People use people like me as an example of what not to do with your life if you plan on becoming successful in some form or another. And I have accepted and allowed myself to become the looser, justifying al my spitefulness towards success, successful people and money within that. And within that I see my ex partner as someone who did exactly the opposite in her life...
So back to my flagpoint.
Defined as ‘the process of concealing or offsetting a psychological difficulty by developing in another direction from latin from the verb compensare ‘weigh against’. Painful to see this within but all I have ever done since I can remember. Concealing my psychological difficulties by creating a counterweight as another direction, another me! How is that for being self honest? Within that I see the confronting and simple truth Bernard addressed as well.
The words we speak are not knowledge--it is the unfortunate circumstances of our lineage programmed into us as a body of the past that integrated as the physical that we do not even see until we are challenged with sex or war or conflict--then the truth emerge.
Intelligence is the ability to analyze the environment and use the subconscious of each other to manipulate each other's behaviors--and when we apparently allow some-one their shit--we call it love to suppress the fact that we have no idea what is really going on.
The only way we feel important is to present things in ways not to cause each other discomfort--because self honesty and common sense is discomfort-the only guideline we have is to listen to each other and see how this program at a physical level works--because each one is a particle of the consciousness design of existence as the oneness of the program and each functions as only a small part of it--and each will have to take responsibility for the small part that has become the living flesh that perpetuate this atrocity called life hidden behind the veneer called love. We cannot listen to knowledge that has no idea how consciousness is being created--then we remain enslaved as life eating viruses that consume existence as we have done for eternity.
We are not all equal to life--we are equal to consciousness--and consciousness are the thought we have about life-- the person we are in life-- the excuses we have why we accept this as life--We are not one as life--we are one as knowledge and intelligence--constructs that exist in the realm of the system--in the realm of the program--we are this-- and when we say most will not get this--understand that in PLAY was placed that which will support all to get this--to really become the actual physical--and when the actual physical speaks, or writes--or breathes--no thinking ever--you have turned the corner and all will begin revealing--as long as thinking exist--it is all just a reflection and we will find it shifts all the time.
More to come!