Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-53-2017-08-05

Postby mikelammers » 05 Aug 2017, 14:33

Creating clarity regarding actions to take when confronted with conflict in relationships

So let me start by asking myself if I think I would be able to stand with myself if I would be in my partners shoes seeing myself going through my latest possession? The answer would be NO! Witch is basically the answer the physical gave me. Next questions would be: how can I direct myself within this? How can I assist myself here? Why was I not able to direct this moment of conflict towards a solution? Why do I allow myself to become emotional and angry as well? Why did I start to participate? Why do I allow myself to give up on my partner? Is ending this relationship a solution? Why did I end this relationship?

Why would I not be able to stand with myself if I would be in my partners shoes seeing a partner becoming possessed? I see a few points opening up here. The severity of the possession is one of them. One can only take so much on in relation to severe situations of conflict with another person. My personal experiences within and as how I dealt with similar situations on relationships and how they have played out in the past. Repetitive patterns, in other words, did similar events play out before and what did we agree upon to do and what didn’t we do to prevent these situations from developing again. Personal points, as in my personal relationships and misunderstanding of these points and patterns I’m confronted with as reactions within me and towards my partner. Escalation, as in nobody is actually stepping on the brakes in time thus allowing the situation to continue to roll down hill and gain more momentum making stopping even harder or not possible at all. Judgement and assumptions triggered by my emotions, as in convincing myself that I don’t deserve this, no one deserves this, fuck off, go away, leave me alone, I don’t have to accept this, this is not what we agreed on, It’s not fair, I can’t do this, this is too much, It’s abusive, I’m being abused and so forth.

How can I direct and assist myself within this seeing I was not always able to direct and assist myself when confronted with a possessed partner on a relationship. So within this is me seeing myself not able or enabled to deal with a situation in witch I am confronted with a partner who is going gaga. Within that I see and realize that no one is going gaga without a reason, so what did I miss before within and as my awareness and responsibilities as my actions, reactions and inactivity within the moments leading up to my partner becoming possessed? Do I have the complete picture? Where did this possession originate from as in what trigger points have I missed here? Was I aware of myself and did I correct myself within myself regarding the resonances and reactions that came up within me that I projected towards my partner in the moments leading up to this conflict? Why did I allow myself to suppress myself and not take action when I saw my partner becoming unstable, unclear and slowly but surely going into a possession?

How can I assist myself in the future and direct moments where I see my partner becoming unstable, unclear and slowly but surely going gaga towards a solution? First would be becoming aware of and acknowledge the fact that my partner is displaying unstable and unclear behaviour and within these moments realize within and as myself that I have to stop and direct the whole moment to a pause, a moment of intervention. I would have to disconnect myself first and investigate the points above, stabilize myself and get to clarity within myself as to what is actually happening. So to be self honest regarding what I can and cannot do in that specific moment. Next would be the necessity to get my partner to stop participating within his or her own behaviour immediately by showing or simply stating what it is I’m observing and that what I’m observing is unacceptable and why it has to stop NOW!

This includes explaining/showing/communicating with my partner as to why and how I came to this conclusion. I would also suggest to myself to get out of the situation and create distance as in a ’time-out’ in order to give ourselves the space and time to stabilize! This implies individual down time for active reflection as in clear writings, self forgiveness and self commitment statements by both partners before other interaction or communication is started. This to make sure the point and pattern is addressed into the nitty gritty so self forgiveness can also be done together to make absolutely sure clarity and standing is created regarding all points and new points opening up. After that we have to look at ways to train ourselves and each other to become more self aware and effective regarding this pattern as the cause for potential problems and how to deal with it effectively.

So the practical way I scripted for myself from where I stand now is to take action and do the following. I get my partner to pause. This could be a long the lines of:

“dear I love you very much albeit at the moment I’m having a lot of trouble keeping myself stable in your presence because of what is coming up within me as my reactions as energy in relation to how you behave - as this and that - You and I both know that from here on it can only get worse so I want you to stop what you are doing immediately go home and reflect on this because that’s what I’m going to do as well. Write it out from your perspective and experience and forgive yourself as I will write it out and forgive myself. Let’s meet when that’s done so we can see and find practical ways to prevent this from happening again and move on”.

I can't make it any simpler. Diffuse the bomb and create space thus time to remove the remaining explosive material. Or, get the fire under control, identify the fuel that feeds the fire, remove the fuel source's. Was this what we did in our relationship? Seldom to never!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I as a partner have the responsibility to assist my partner when he or she confronts me with emotional and energetic behaviour instead of allowing myself to become reactive and energized as well, seeing realizing that me re-acting to these points and/or patterns that reveal themselves within and as our relationship are points that have to exist within me as well and thus represent potential for conflict if I don’t stop myself participating and within that I realize that if we both find ourselves reacting emotionally to a situation of friction/conflict with each other, we have no clarity or (under)standing of what is actually opening up and playing out in real time and within that I see and realize that this is how we create break ups instead of a bond and thus this has to become a point of STOPPING and a collective and permanent point of attention within our relationship as self responsibility for our behaviour and our self corrective application, also seeing/realizing that what we allow as partners within the dynamics of our relationships is an outflow of who we are as our emotional reactions as patterns that have not yet been corrected by us into practical and liveable behaviour within and as the reality of who we are within the reality of our relationship at this point and within that I forgive myself for not stopping myself and correcting myself within and as my energetic/emotional reactions when confronted with my partner in moments of conflict, seeing realizing that we as partners in a relationship have to get rid of our energetic states and get to a point of stability and clarity first before a situation, point of friction and/or conflict can be opened up and addressed in an emotional mature and constructive manner in order to prevent these moments from turning into a state of conflict, emotional chaos and a break up where I allow myself to end the relationship because of my self created possession as a state of hopelessness, where I give up in total regret as an unconscious reaction related to former relationship experiences I was also unable to direct.

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
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Day-54-2017-08-06

Postby mikelammers » 06 Aug 2017, 17:07

Mike you have no backbone!

I had this incident in my bathroom where I passed out and the consequences where more severe than I anticipated. Friday last week I had one of my appointments with my therapist because of problems with my spine. It’s a reoccurring thing. Partly because of how I (ab)used my body in relation to BMX and other sports in the past. But since I focussed more on walking my process within and as a relationship, I have never been without pain in my spine. Now I have and had problems in all areas of my spine for a long time. But as I started walking my relationship the points between my shoulder blades and in my neck started becoming real articulate. C1,C4,C5,C6. The C4 especially because it’s fitting in between soft bone that was actually deformed a few years ago where I was attacked from behind by someone very close to me who got possessed and hammer fisted me on exactly that C4 point. From that moment that C4 point was giving me permanent discomfort and radiating pain down and around my kidney area.

If C4 was hanging out and I didn’t correct that by going to my therapist the vertebrae above C4 and the area in my lower back would in time start to realign as well. It’s called ‘compensation’ (flagpoint*). During my relationship I always had pain in that area and I connected that pain to being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life. Placed that within me as the ultimate betrayal of my trust and an act of cowardliness and so forth. So it became a point of blame. I never took the real effort of investigating this specific point into the nitty gritty walking my relationship. That area in my spine is connected to my neck, shoulders and arms so I connect this point with self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.

In the past 7 months as I started to loose weight and walked into these challenges related to work my upper spine became more and more stable while pain started to manifest in my lower back. So my initial observation was that my lower back was compensating for what was going on in my upper spine. But the pain became worse and worse until it started manifesting in my SI joint. Now this is a different joint compared to the rest of the spine. SI is two long stretches of bone with a long contact surface connecting to the pelvis but no real joint construction as such. There is a lot of pressure on these joints so if they are out of alignment and a nerve gets squashed one will feel this without a doubt. That’s what happened. My SI went out of alignment to the left side and took L4 and L5 with-it. And this gave me lot’s of discomfort. Besides that I became tired real fast so I needed a lot of sleep to keep myself more or less stable. Now doing physical work in this condition (according to my therapist) is out of the question but I didn’t had that advice at that point and I had work to do. So I did photo shoots, drove around etcetera.

The problems became worse when I had to do a photo shoot in Germany where I had to drive more than 20 hours without air-conditioning in a small car. After like 6 hours my left buttock started radiating this painful numbness and within less than a few hours the backside of my left leg and my knee was in pain as well. Getting out of the car became painful and walking around with a camera in awkward positions only made it worse. The next day I drove home and the pain only got worse. Now all this time as these problems with my spine manifested, I was unable to really train or work out. And that has always been my stability point. If my mind starts fucking with me and I’m not able to do physical work or exercise it becomes very hard for me to remain stable.

Thormod did an awesome video where this point is addressed as well. This video was an eye opener for me and I’m so grateful that Tormod took the effort of sharing himself so openly. That was real support for me because it showed me a lot about myself and the dimensions within this point. To make a long story short. If I would have had a regular job instead of being self employed I would have called in sick the moment this pain in my lower back started manifesting. The problem is that I cannot call in sick. I would have to call myself… I don’t have insurance because it’s way to expensive. So its sort of a catch 22.

Video Here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-mBSqyGqkc

But within all of this I notice a pattern, a coping mechanism as a character I developed since high school. If resistance and discomfort get to a level where I start feeling depressed and hopeless because I cant time out and have to get shit done I will fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’. I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort. And people who don’t really knows me will not notice it. I’m fully aware it’s not supporting me and that it puts even more stress on my body but at these points in time I see no more alternatives except robbing a bank or something. And within all of this going on I didn’t really communicate with my partner that it was this bad.

Besides the mechanical damage and pain that is irreversible, my spine has become a reference point, a monitor of sorts. If something is shifting/changing in my reality my spine usually shifts with it. So it’s always an indicator that there is something going on. During the time leading up to events that blew up my relationship I was also struggling with work and being self employed. I connected this lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I connect stability to my lower back. That was mostly the L4 vertebrae. Work and money as stability is so elementary because it influences everything because it’s hard-wired into everything I call my life. Witch isn’t a happy worry free life to be self-honest. Money is the fundamental point in this world and so over time it has become the fundamental point in my life.

Bernard ones stated that each one only represent one point. One point that we will defend with our lives. We will die for this one point if we belief it to be right. That that one point is like a puzzle to complete the mind fuck of consciousness that makes one feel important and have purpose. Each one will face this one point and either give it up and rebirth or die defending it.
Imagine--each being has only ever existed as one point--yes--just one--one sentence--one jailterm.

When we got to the one atom Gods--each existed as the past lives--only one point--one sentence--repeating itself over and over again--life after life--always forgetting.

Now I came across these statement yesterday and I noticed myself rising up in my chair because my ex partner pointed this out in the past as well but I could never place it in my reality in awareness of what it actually entails. I’m not sure if I can in this moment but my gut is telling me that it is time to start investigating this more specifically because there was such a strong physical reaction within me as I took in the words. Like something opened up inside. This feeling of having something on the tip of my tongue but nothing coming over my lips. A very strong awareness of my mind stepping in as well. Almost like this sound of a big door shutting with a loud echo! This is where I have my attention…

I can ask myself this question. What’s that one point? I will not be able to answer that question because the mathematician that programmed and encrypted this point made sure I wouldn’t be able to find it. So I asked myself the question: What am I not allowed to see as the key to revealing this point? And as simple as that question was was seeing the answer. SELF HONESTY. The one thing I avoided religiously in my life. Being self honest! The key to finding out who I am. Now for the first time in my life I’m making this connection between self honesty as action and relationships and regret! Within this I also see overlap and similarities regarding my ex partner. Without our relationship and what we walked I wouldn’t be able to see this in the first place.

So first of is self honesty in itself. Meaning taking responsibility for who I am totally but especially the hidden and suppressed versions of me. Tadaa! Response ability! Now ask anyone who knows me long enough and the first thing they will say is that taking responsibility is not part of Mikey’s behaviour. I'm one of the irresponsibles. It’s who I always pretended to be, what I projected outwards and became. This anti establishment artist, this creative, expressive, irresponsible, I don’t give a fuck, anti social, loud mouthed, adrenaline junkie. And it’s true. It's the reality I created for myself. But why did I do this? Somewhere a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…”. It's one of the characters the system is more or less able to accept as nuts and still make some sense to people.

That’s the slot I decided to make my own in the beehive. I see a lot of people from my generation struggle with their lives in relation to our upbringing, our world views and how the world has changed. I desperately wanted to be normal and fit in but whatever I did I always came out at the same end. People I worked with and worked for where always satisfied with my moral and the way I committed to work and getting things done. Family and friends had a completely different opinion. So it’s quite understandable that my parents didn’t understand these apparent contradictions within how they experienced me and the contradictory feedback they got from so called figures of authority. I performed exceptionally when I was doing internships and was working with my hands and had to solve practical problems while in the past I had to do psychological tests because teachers had no clue as to why I wasn’t putting out better grades in school. And all he time there was this slumbering awareness that I was alone in all of this and this feeling never left me. Within that the term 'Generation X' was is used to classify my generation.

Generation X
the generation born after that of the baby boomers (roughly from the early 1960s to mid 1970s), typically perceived to be disaffected and directionless. Generation X has grown up with IT.

ORIGIN 1950s: in recent use popularized by Douglas Coupland in his novel Generation X (1991).

--

Disaffected
dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control: a military plot by disaffected elements in the army.

ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: past participle of disaffect, originally in the sense ‘dislike or disorder’, from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2.

--

Disaffect
make (someone) dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control; alienate: what these ads do is disaffect the voting public.

ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from dis- (expressing reversal) + affect2. The original sense was ‘dislike’.

--

Disorder |dɪsˈɔːdə|
a state of confusion

ORIGIN late 15th cent. (as a verb): alteration, influenced by order, of earlier disordain, from Old French desordener, ultimately based on Latin ordinare ‘ordain’.


- Directionless
- Disaffected
- Dislike (also disliked)
- Dissatisfied, especially with people in authority or a system of control
- Alienate
- Disorder

And that sums up the primary programs that make up the angry artist aka stuntman Mike.

I made these components into me as I got more feedback from my environment I slowly but surely started identifying myself with these points. Because the feedback I got from people in this reality, be it school related, work related or hobby related, always classified and judged me in relation to one or several of these points. He’s a very expressive child BUT… And then some pseudo psychological conclusion would be projected unto me.

Now beneath this all is a great sense of insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective on the matter when I asked people I considered figures of authority including my parents about these things. But that insecurity or fear within me was nothing more than seeing for real how fucked up my world really is. And I was very intimidated by the world. If you have no voice and at the same time are not able to make sense of the world you live in, what do you do? You seek comfort, a safe place in whatever form. My safe place, as I see it now was within physical activity, preferably outside and with my BMX bike involved. Without BMX I would probably not have survived. The insecurity and fear that is permanently with me only disappears when I'm on my bike or doing something extreme and physical. So I got addicted to that feeling. It was my place of comfort and solitude.

Directionless
As in, no self direction, no clarity, no understanding, not seeing, no context, no focus point, selective in what I accepted as authority in my life (it had to suit me!) and not willing to commit to things I judged as normal related to people and events in my life.

Disaffected
I had only one truth, my truth. I was in this alone and I was superior (and shit scared and insecure of coarse), I wouldn’t and couldn’t accept authority without extreme energetic reactions within me, I was reacting energetic to everything anyhow, I couldn’t participate in normal social activities with other children. I tried and managed more or less but I always ended up outside the ‘circle of trust’! The weird one that is not participating and reading comics instead of participating with other kids on a birthday party. Children where fascinated as they where reluctant to really be my friends.

Dissatisfied
The more I was confronted with these points the more dissatisfied I became with my reality and especially the people in it. Any chance I got I would try to hide myself and run away from my responsibilities in some sort of spectacular fashion. I had to get it my way always and within that I experienced little to no resistance as a child. But as I grew older these patterns as personalities as entities grew as well. In some weird way I’m now starting to see those situations I created in my life as the breadcrumbs I left behind for myself to maybe find my way back. This feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation has never left me EVER! On top of that it’s also in my DNA. The family from my mothers side all have this undercurrent in their expression of being dissatisfied all the time. Expressing itself as wining, complaining and blaming others for their dissatisfaction! And within that the concept of self-responsibility and self-honesty as behaviour is completely non present. The expression of dissatisfaction on the other hand is present in almost every refraction of behavior within that family. I’m half of that on DNA level so that explains one or two things.

I Dislike
Being negative, Judging people, compartmentalizing people, always expecting the worse, it’s not cool, it’s not good, it should be done in a different way, I know better, let me fucking show it to you, fighting for limitations as excuses for not having to change anything within and as me whatsoever, not able to deal with critique, tons of self judgement, insecurity, distorted self image, behaving grumpy and agitated, always projecting. A volcano spewing out negativity as judgement on the world and everything that’s wrong with it (without taking any self responsibility for my role within this reality).

I Alienate
The practical way of making sure I’m not even asked or invited to become more than I am within relationships and friendships with others. I alienated myself just enough to never be in that position of having to stand up or take responsibility within a relationship. Eventually everybody who tried gave up because I was to alien in my behaviour. People felt more or less ashamed having me in their presence so that worked perfectly. I alienated myself specifically. Meaning with some people I did it more than with others in order to create relationships so I would look somewhat normal. All that to make sure I got what I wanted out of the relationship without having to change my behaviour too much and create that safe space I needed to be alone without to much responsibility for others or myself in my life.

I realize that I hurt a lot of people who could have been really good friends up to this day by doing this. This point is very prominent in my life because al other points serve this purpose. Alienate, myself so I become an alien so I don’t have to associate myself with the rest so I can be a-part from the rest and dwell in my own lonely universe of dissatisfaction and confirm to myself that it’s all out there and not within me. That I’m a-part instead of part-off. What would have happened if someone had taken me under his or her wings to guide me within these points as a child? My potential would have been activated and by now I know that that was not the plan because I can make a lot of noise and doing that within and as my potential was not part of the plan. I always judged myself as not intelligent or intellectual but at the same time I saw myself doing all this stuff that required rational thinking and problem solving skills. No problem, let’s just accept and suppress that as part of the disorders psychologists placed on me. I’m crazy as hell anyway so let’s be mad witch gets me to the next point.

I Disorder
I diss orders. I accepted and allowed myself to become the definition of this word in peoples perception of me. And it worked like a charm up to this moment sitting here writing. Who wants to be associated with someone who has a disorder, is weird, different, confronting, present, nasty, spiky, rude, aggressive, spiteful, secretive, over active, talks too much, doesn’t perform, unsuccessful, unstable, unpredictable and so forth? Only the other weird ones in this world found me because likes attracts likes. That’s where you end up in an mental institute or in art school with all the other so called misfits and artists that apparently have no functional place in society. Perfect, another confirmation. I was weird thus special.

It came to a point where I saw myself manipulating someone during a job interview when I was asked to tell something about myself and I started enthusiastically summing up all these so called negative labels people had put on me over the years as these disorders. In the mean time pretending I was not affected by them at all in a very self confident, laughable and absolute manner. I then turned the whole thing around and showed the person my portfolio of work saying: “and this is what this lunacy produced”. And so I sold myself as the complete package and this person had no other choice than to hire me. However, I drove this person nuts eventually so he had to fire me as well. Another reason for me to be even more disaffected with the world and people in it. And that behaviour became worse and worse over the years.

And here the Latin root of the word ‘disorder as in ‘ordinary’ says it all. I’m no different. I’m not special. In fact, my behaviour makes me one of the most ordinary people in this world. Fucked and programmed to eventually give up and give in. I have made myself the practical example that stands for deviant behaviour as the symbol for behaviour that is not going to get you anywhere in this world. I’m here as the polarity point of ‘ordinary’ in order to scare people away from behaving to critical or maybe try a different approach. I stand as a scarecrow for those kind of people. The living proof that you better stick to what works or you will end up like him=me. People use people like me as an example of what not to do with your life if you plan on becoming successful in some form or another. And I have accepted and allowed myself to become the looser, justifying al my spitefulness towards success, successful people and money within that. And within that I see my ex partner as someone who did exactly the opposite in her life...

So back to my flagpoint.

“Compensation”.

Defined as ‘the process of concealing or offsetting a psychological difficulty by developing in another direction from latin from the verb compensare ‘weigh against’. Painful to see this within but all I have ever done since I can remember. Concealing my psychological difficulties by creating a counterweight as another direction, another me! How is that for being self honest? Within that I see the confronting and simple truth Bernard addressed as well.

The words we speak are not knowledge--it is the unfortunate circumstances of our lineage programmed into us as a body of the past that integrated as the physical that we do not even see until we are challenged with sex or war or conflict--then the truth emerge.

Intelligence is the ability to analyze the environment and use the subconscious of each other to manipulate each other's behaviors--and when we apparently allow some-one their shit--we call it love to suppress the fact that we have no idea what is really going on.

The only way we feel important is to present things in ways not to cause each other discomfort--because self honesty and common sense is discomfort-the only guideline we have is to listen to each other and see how this program at a physical level works--because each one is a particle of the consciousness design of existence as the oneness of the program and each functions as only a small part of it--and each will have to take responsibility for the small part that has become the living flesh that perpetuate this atrocity called life hidden behind the veneer called love. We cannot listen to knowledge that has no idea how consciousness is being created--then we remain enslaved as life eating viruses that consume existence as we have done for eternity.

We are not all equal to life--we are equal to consciousness--and consciousness are the thought we have about life-- the person we are in life-- the excuses we have why we accept this as life--We are not one as life--we are one as knowledge and intelligence--constructs that exist in the realm of the system--in the realm of the program--we are this-- and when we say most will not get this--understand that in PLAY was placed that which will support all to get this--to really become the actual physical--and when the actual physical speaks, or writes--or breathes--no thinking ever--you have turned the corner and all will begin revealing--as long as thinking exist--it is all just a reflection and we will find it shifts all the time.

More to come!

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-55-2017-08-08

Postby mikelammers » 08 Aug 2017, 12:06

SF on reacting to being told I have no backbone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner speaking the words: “Mike you have no backbone” to moments in my life where people where judging me in relation to not being able to stand in situations of stress and conflict seeing realizing that these judgements are projections of other persons based on what they see, think and feel and within that I realize that they cannot see the totality of me because these judgements are not who I am and within that I forgive myself for judging people the same way by not basing my judgments on people and situations on the always underlying question ‘why’?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regularly push my body too far as in over the edge in relation to overcoming physical resistance in life, work and sports in the past as an addiction to personal success and rewards as a drug in order to proof to myself I can do it, not seeing realizing that I’m actually doing the opposite by allowing myself to behave self destructive just to feel alive and by doing so compensate for feeling like a depressed zombie in daily life and within that compromise my own support as my physical stability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pain in my spine to my ex partner to being physically abused in the past not aware of the extreme rage I still suppress inside towards the persons who bullied me in the past and within that judge and place my partner as a bully as one of those people I would kill if I allowed the real raw experience of myself within being bullied in the past to take control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in this relationship with the mercenary I created and hid within myself in order to be able to eventually take revenge on bullies in the most brutal way possible and within that justify that by thinking - if this is what you give than this is what you shall receive - and within that I see and realize that my partner would eventually be confronted with the outflow of my past as how I would start to express myself in our relationship within and as the high school shoot outs and other mass killings as the consequence of children who are bullied and no longer able to control their rage and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and underestimating the scope and potential disaster my suppressed emotions and feelings related to being bullied really represented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate (as the ultimate understatement) the real raw experience of myself being bullied in the past and within that the profound impact these events had on all aspects of my life and who I have become as the totality of me as the way I behaved in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort related to instability of my spine to how I behaved in the past in situations of conflict to being attacked from behind to my partner to a pre programmed concept of trust as in: ‘someone I trusted with my life’ and ‘the ultimate betrayal of my trust’ and so forth, seeing realizing that those are concepts of trust in my mind and cannot be trusted and within that I see realize and understand that real trust can only develop from self trust based on self honesty and the real physical experience of myself here and that my betrayal of trust starts with participating and reacting to feelings and emotions within, seeing realizing that this is the moment I start separating myself by co creating a situation of conflict where I give up and turn my back on my partner witch resulted in getting hammer fisted from behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect physical discomfort and pain related to my spine to the absurd concept of ’you don’t shoot someone in the back’ seeing realizing that the mind is always at war and in war everything is allowed as long as I win and within that I see that ‘being shot in the back by someone I trusted with my life’ is but a dramatized re[act]ion I created to start a war with my partner and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that ‘if she does this once it will happen twice’ and within that I see myself accepting and allowing myself to fear the future if my partner is in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of experiences where I was helpless and being attacked by bullies to me and my partner in moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to in moments of conflict with my partner fall back on preprogrammed and thus automated reactions where I try to escape the experience of myself within by allowing myself to react as a flee or fight response within and as the comfort zone I created where I don’t have to confront myself with and open up this point as the opportunity it presents to change my behaviour within and as the process of walking and diffusing/disconnecting this point with my partner in order to prevent myself from recreating these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as a coward and not allow myself to forgive my partner for attacking me in the past because I connect being attacked from behind to my morality construct of ‘a coward’ to permanent physical damage to what I believe to be ‘an unforgivable act’ and within that hold myself prisoner by not changing my relationship to my past because I believe ‘it’s unforgivable’ and within that hold my partner responsible for the discomfort and pain related to my spine instead of taking self responsibility for what is here as the manifested consequence as the two of us as our relationship for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become half of the problem within creating moments of conflict with my partner because I was not able to change my automated behaviour related to how I deal with moments of conflict within relationships and thus allowed myself to become the creator of these moments again and again as my automated responses related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself and hide myself behind anger and rage instead of stopping myself in moments of conflict with my partner and share the real experience of myself within that moment with my partner related to me being bullied/abused in the past and within that allow myself to become a bully/abuser myself

More to come

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-56-2017-08-09

Postby mikelammers » 09 Aug 2017, 15:59

More SF on having no backbone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress instead of confront myself and investigate the raw experience of myself as my energies and reactions coming up within me in moments of conflict with my partner, seeing realizing that the way I react is automated and specifically related to how I programmed myself to deal with conflict in the past and within that seeing realizing that I do whatever it takes to avoid the raw experience of myself here as my flee or fight response and panic in moments of conflict in intimate relationships and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect moments of conflict to being bullied as a child and within that allow myself to hide the true experience of myself behind a reaction of anger and rage like a scared dog that is attacked by the pack instead of stopping myself and allow myself to open this point up in self honesty with my partner seeing realizing that this is a pattern, a coping mechanism I have used all my life because I was unable to cope with this experience of myself and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to ‘this way’ as the ‘only way’ seeing realizing that there are ‘other ways’ that I never managed to apply because they where not part of what I practically walked and learnt to apply in this life within and as real physical experience thus compromising myself every time I find myself falling back on this coping mechanism and allow myself to become and behave like a bully/abuser myself

When see myself falling back on this coping mechanism in moments of conflict I stop and breath because I realize that I’m overreacting and dropping ship not allowing myself to see these moments as an opportunity to really change how I behave in situations of conflict in the same way I have taken on so many other points in my life, seeing realizing that this point is no different but simply one of the bigger more complex projects I am facing in my life and within that I realize this will take time and patience like the other processes I walked in my life, not only for me but with my partner as well and within that I realize I have to make sure to construct ways to make this work for me and my partner and within that I commit myself to become aware of reactions within myself within relationships related to fear of conflict and to stop myself and not accept or allow myself to fall back on these coping mechanism that eventually alienate people I have an intimate relationship with, simply because I refuse to trust myself and push myself to the best of my abilities to control my reactions and activate my potential to change myself here in real time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse intimacy between me and my partner with privacy and within doing that allowed myself to not address and open up potential points I see exist within me that cause friction and conflict between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for not giving my partner the best possible starting point to assist me but instead allowed myself to make my partner the projection screen and lightning conductor for my anger and rage related to unresolved issues within myself related to being bullied as a child within and as the mechanism I use to alienate people that come to close for ‘comfort’ seeing realizing that this is not me being comfortable here in the physical but the war zone within and as part of my mind I accepted and allowed to become my comfort zone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use my relationships as the relatively safe space to explore my inner conflict related to being bullied in the past as this war zone I believe to be my comfort zone and do what I can to enable myself to take this point on with my partner constructively in small steps and thus train myself to practically change the way I approach myself in these moments of friction and conflict instead of turning them into possessions and moments of total chaos and destruction because I allow myself to re-act instead of act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this point of friction and conflict related to being bullied in the past is to vast and painful to take on seeing myself screwing myself and my partners with this point in every relationship in the past and then use this fact as an excuse to convince myself I’m not able to become a permanent part within a relationship seeing realizing that within this point I seldom dared to do things differently and really change the relationship with myself thus with others and within doing so didn’t allow myself to disconnect myself from this reactive pattern of fear and anger I use to sabotage self-change in situations of conflict with my partner by bailing out and turning my back on her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the discomfort and pain related to my spine to the rest of my body to self expression and voicing myself in and around relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the perspectives given to me by medical specialists into consideration as opportunities to become more aware of how I have abused and abuse my body as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma related to being bullied in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the effects of sports and training as the way to stabilize myself when my mind starts fucking with me and within that use that as an excuse to not confront myself and change myself if I’m not able to do physical work or exercise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being self employed and having no insurance because it’s way to expensive is a catch 22 and within my inner dialogue use this point as an argument to avoid looking for other ways or options I have to walk myself out of this self created prison of hopelessness, fear and doubt related to conflict and friction in relationships seeing realizing that it starts with seeing and addressing the friction and conflict within the relationship I have with myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my fear of getting sick or not able to perform to being self employed and money and within doing so convince myself I cannot change, seeing realizing that this is my reaction as inferiority as my fear to take self responsibility connected to fear of authority where I sabotage myself by convincing myself I don’t have the authority to lead myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not having a financial safety net to fear of getting sick to fear of loosing control to fear of money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand I have constructed a coping mechanism as total suppression as compensation I express as anger and rage because I was unable to understand or make sense of the situations and myself going through the experience of being bullied in high school and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing becoming aware of the severe consequences this had on the way I handled myself and behaved in relationships as I developed into adulthood and the effects this had on intimate relationships I developed and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this is me, this is who I am and that relationships are simply a question of finding another person that ‘matches’ instead of asking myself in self honesty if this is who I want to be and if this is the person I want to walk with? Seeing realizing that this question requires self honesty and within that I now see realize and understand what self honesty entails within and as the foundation of self intimacy thus intimacy with other people in relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of despair, depression and hopelessness when I cant time out in times of stress because I have to get shit done and within that allow myself to fall back on this character I call ‘Stuntman Mike’ where I will use anger and frustration to produce adrenaline and use that as a suppressor to push through whatever physical discomfort or resistance related to the stress I allow myself to experience instead of allowing myself to breath and slow myself down as me here in order to stabilize myself so I don’t put more stress on my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my lower back pain to my struggle with work and money because I allow myself to connect stability to money to my lower back and within that allow myself to define work and money as stability thus making money the fundamental point in my life not seeing realizing that my relationship with money is based in fear and thus doomed to fail from the start

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the point of self-honesty religiously in my life out of fear of change, seeing realizing that self-honesty is the key to revealing al my fears I allow to keep me enslaved in this version of myself and within that I see realize and understand that to free myself and change myself for real is to release myself from the relationships I allow myself to have with these fears and within that I see realize and understand that this can only be done if the actions I take are based in self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disconnect self honesty within and as my actions and behaviour from relationships and regret thus making my starting point within relationships a point of regret thus a reference point of self limitation in the past and within that I see myself not taking responsibility for myself in the present and thus the way the relationship will develop in the future and within that I now see how I have been creating the repetitive patterns and events that prevented me and my partner to move towards each other

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my relationships for granted and within that allowed myself to ‘hang back’ and by doing so refused to give myself clarity through writing and self forgiveness out of fear for change thus not allowing myself to reveal to myself the similarities and overlap me and my partner share regarding our past and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to come to a clear understanding and standing within myself regarding myself as the real physical reality and challenges I am facing within and as the total sum that is the relationship I have with my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a spoiled child within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live as a character as a compromise a long the lines of: “well he’s nuts but aren’t all artists a bit nuts…” in order to be accepted by the system not seeing realizing that this character was created by me thus a part of me but not me thus self limitation as a construct I used to prevent myself from ever becoming more than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my parents and hide myself behind characters I played believing that my parents didn’t understood me regarding these apparent contradictions within me and within that placed them as a thread and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that they where also abused within this point as children through the smokescreens that where used by so called figures of authority to prevent them from seeing more thus able to ask questions based on what was really playing out regarding themselves and within that I forgive myself for using my parents confusion to manipulate them within and as the consistent schizophrenic behaviour I used to create confusion to get things my way always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself as Generation X and and identifying myself with and use the personality components within the dictionary definition of Generation X to project an image people in the system could more or less relate to instead of becoming completely repulsive towards me so I would have relationships of sorts with those people as hiding places for myself in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directionless, disaffected, disliked and dissatisfied with people of authority and or systems of control and by identifying myself with these points alienated myself from other people as the character I embraced as ‘the angry artist’ a.k.a. stuntman Mike

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept multiple versions of myself by listening to and obeying the voices in my head and within that I forgive myself for never questioning myself in relation to these voices in my head as to ‘who’ they were and where they came from thus giving my power of self control away and let the voices in my head as the mind determine who I am and how to deal with my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take others people judgements and the labels they put on me serious without investigating for myself why people do this and what I resonated so people where triggered to do this and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with these judgements as who I am and if they where true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to instead of investigate points of authority in this world in relation to how I want to define and live authority based on self honesty in my life and within that use my ability to change to establish a new relationship with authority starting with my own authority as the author of my life instead of giving into insecurity as fear related to moments in my early youth related to seeing disturbing things in this world and not getting any real perspective from people I considered figures of authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body as this character because I was not able to make sense of the world around me in high school thus creating a coping mechanism instead of a solution as a safe place and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without BMX or other extreme physical activities I’m not able to stabilize my mind and cannot survive and within that I forgive myself for becoming an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceal my psychological difficulties by creating excuses as counterweights and distractions as procrastination and doubt, seeing realizing that this is self limitation and no self support whatsoever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget and not keep in mind that we are all sentenced to jail within this system as the mind, seeing realizing that if I allow myself to stay in place I will repeat myself as this placement over and over again as this preprogrammed point in existence

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-57-2017-08-10

Postby mikelammers » 10 Aug 2017, 14:41

Back to work

I have been writing every day for the past few weeks. I got up early and just started writing about my experiences in relationships. Besides that I have to work on some projects as well. Got to make some money. I got up between 6-7 in the morning and sat myself down. Now the initial plan was to write from 7-9 and than pick up my daily work. The evenings would be reserved for doing my DIP Lite. The point of most resistance is where I can progress faster so I also decided to write in English because I picked up my DIP Lite as well and that’s also done in English. My English is rusty because I haven’t been writing in that language for quite some time. So I started confidently.

Now the first few days I would write and after a certain amount of time I would look on he clock and see that I was way past the deadline of 10.00 o clock I set for myself. Sometimes a point opens up and I start investigating that point by writing out everything that comes up within me regarding that point. I almost forgot how fascinating this process can be because sometimes it’s almost like magic. I sit here and I write and then I read back what flowed out of me and the words and sentences seem to be all messed up. In the past I would judge myself for this within the point of not being able to communicate what came up in me in a clear and understandable way. But I looked at this point before I started writing and I prepared myself for it by simply calling these initial writings the rough draft. I would only have to take the effort of rewriting it by creating structured sentences that contained the essence of what I wanted to communicate with myself. So this was the task I set out for myself. I trust myself enough to know that I will be able to filter my writings and identify what it is I’m trying to communicate with myself and ad structure later to what flowed out of me before. DIP Lite is also essential within this because it gave me the format and focus points to stay on it!

Reading what I have been writing the past few weeks I see myself struggling with finding the words to describe what I wanted to clarify for myself. I also noticed I was still judging myself for the way I write myself out in moments I was restructuring. That confrontation was actually very supportive because I sort of saw this pattern in my writing where I would be on to something and as more words came to paper I saw myself going in all directions with it. Now I used to judged myself for this. But let’s be self honest here! I’m not writing myself out for some magazine or other people. I’m writing for me as me and that’s how I checked myself within my writings. The moment I stopped writing about me and the experience of myself I would flag point that passage to remind myself to stay focussed on the specific point I was writing about. And it took a few days before I realized I was doing something I actually learned from my experience within walking my relationship. I actually listened and applied myself based on what was revealed within the process instead of writing about myself within the process. Within that I see that I used to write in a way that prohibited me from seeing and addressing points. Perhaps that was the real point of frustration and resistance I experienced in the past when I had to push myself to write. I wasn’t writing for myself. I was writing because I had to write. After a few days I saw that I was actually starting to get more to the point. The more I was writing the more I was pushing myself to stay on point and look for ‘specifics’. Not allowing myself to be inspired by my own writings and divert from subjects. And that was a big relief. I saw that what I faced in relationships however painful it was is faced by others as well so I realized I was not doing this only for me. So I let go of my self judgement and also decided to share these writings the forum.

But I ran into some problems I knew would present themselves. It was the time it took to get to some clarity within my writings. I have judged myself extensively in the past for not being able to voice myself here in clarity immediately. It even came to a point where writing took so much time and I got so frustrated that I stopped simply because of the resistance I created to writing. This was mainly related to not being able to integrate writing into my daily responsibilities and the time I have available. The same thing was happening again where I started writing and it took me 4-6 hours to more or less write myself out and than the day becomes too short to get my other work done. So here I am asking myself how to tackle this in a self supportive way and the options I have to do this?

I concluded that I’m going to have to brake the writing process up into pieces more and divide them over those two hours a day I reserved for myself. So I might not be able to post on the forum every day but I will be able to keep at it without compromising my writing in the sense that I write to give myself clarity and a better understanding of who I am within how I deal with this reality and that includes how I approach that process. I opened up the point of self honesty within how I make decisions and how I apply myself and what encourages me to keep at it like this. It’s seeing myself being able to be self honest within the decisions I make. It might sound strange but that experience is actually new to me.

I committed myself to become more effective in my writing and I can see that I will be if I focus on writing as myself here and not let my mind wander of if I read something of myself and judge it as interesting or fascinating. I try to catch myself within those moments and bring the specific observation back to the point/subject I am writing about. It sounds simple and obvious but as a practical application this in new to me and very refreshing and supportive. I can actually do it. The point I see within this is that I learned the basics of how to do this within my relationship by doing it as the relationship. I mean it’s not like my relationship was only a disaster. Although one might get that impression reading about it. I have to give a lot of credit to my partner within this because she pushed herself to the limit to point these things out and give me perpective. If she wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t be sitting here writing. She enabled me to have that experience because I took her serious enough as a partner!

Relationship or no relationship, whatever label I want to put on my present situation, one thing is for sure. My relationship and my partner have supported me hugely to get to this point (and a gazillion others). It has given me and gives me the opportunity to actually take myself by the balls in a way I wasn’t able to a few years ago and I’m grateful beyond words for that. I now have physical proof. I can verify it for myself. I can give myself some credit as well as see where I didn’t perform to the best of my abilities. The strange thing about walking a large part of this process with a partner is that in time she sort of became a voice on my shoulder. There where countless moments where I had doubts or wasn’t sure of myself. Often I would ask myself the question: what would she do? And I would hear the answer within myself in her voice tonality or in her expression. And although the answers weren’t always a direct solution, the fact I became aware of myself more in daily reality and stopped myself in certain moments and asked myself questions was a quantum leap compared to how I used to go about my daily affairs. Now the changes in my life and how I have changed where obviously not enough to keep the relationship on coarse but let’s be real here. That’s the fucking risk I had to take anyway and I would make the same decision again without thinking twice. Relationships can be the safest places to implode and face the mess we are in. They can also be places where reality becomes distorted to a point nothing makes any sense. But that’s the whole point and one can only draw conclusions in retrospect. One is never stable all the time so even when relationships are more or less stable, one thing is for sure. There will be blood sooner or later. Points will open up. Shit will have to be faced and sometimes the drain get’s clocked. What I see in absolute clarity is how my relationship supported me to get to the nitty gritty of all my relationships and how I was able to sabotage myself to the point of self destruction within it because I refused to embrace all of me and bring that into a relationship in a way my partner was able to deal with.

And this is an important point because one simply doesn’t now what ‘all’ is one brings into a relationship. I had an Idea and I had a lot of doubts. The decision to walk our relationship together was made against the backdrop of the potential we ‘saw’ was there. We are both not capable of seeing inter dimensionally so it’s simply impossible to predict what will happen and how we are going to deal with reality. Eventually it comes down to how much one can handle and direct in a given situation and within that I have seldom allowed myself to literally be self honest and direct myself by adjusting my ambitions in the right direction. The most important lesson I learned is the devastating effect possessions can have on relationships. Wether you walk an agreement or a ’normal’ relationship. We all have possessions every day in some form or another. Every time we face resistance or friction there is this moment of energy a reacting or a reaction. To me these energies belong to the nuclear arsenal that lie at the base of a potential possession and that’s what we all carry into relationships. From my experience within relationships its possible to handle a small nuclear test together. It becomes devastating when I start using nuclear powers against myself by allowing myself to become totally possessed. One could be lucky and have a partner who has a military background and is used to this process of being stripped from ones preprogrammed and perceived personality through intense and painful day by day confrontations, point by point and layer by layer. And maybe from experience be capable of standing unaffected as a point of authority, but that’s seldom the case in reality. If you start a relationship with a person even if the choice of going into that relationship is based on a thorough screening of compatibility. There will always be the ‘unexpected’ and I can say this with certainty because that’s what the relationship will eventually become. It will become a sequence of unexpected positive and negative events. The sequence will speed up and these events will present themselves faster and faster. Within this the point of complexity presents itself and thus the possibility of leapfrogging over apparent small events because we are now starting to focus on these unexpected events that are apparent and big and obviously important.

And within that I failed to see that this leapfrogging was actually me and my partner allowing ourselves to ignore the small nuclear explosions thinking that the unexpected events on the ‘battlefield’ where more important and needed more attention. Eventually though, the accumulation of all these small explosions added up to one big nuclear possession. So if there is one thing I should tattoo on my forehead it’s that I can never allow myself to ignore the seemingly small moments of friction. The body language, that witch is not spoken, that witch is not shared. The seemingly easy stuff that we face every day. I underestimated the power of multiplication. The fact that small drops will eventually fill the bucket. And that focussing on the bucket is the last thing I should be doing. In the past I would probably be depressed and lethargic for at least a year but I see this is not what is happening now. I’m not fine with this situation. It’s definitely not what I expected or wanted for myself but here it is in all its nasty glory. And that’s what it is for me at this point. A fact of life in my life as my life. A point in time like all other points. It’s what I have to take responsibility for so I better face it and complete my walk, otherwise it would all be just another story I made up to feel good about myself. However I start to see what Bernard meant by ‘the correct approach to relationship-agreements’: “That one must walk the cutting-edge of time and within that realize that a relationship-agreement is two people agreeing to be together for the benefiting of both, finding out each other’s Strengths and placing this together so the Relationship becomes 1+1=2 and not 1+1=1, which is the ‘Love-Relationship' thing where both are lost within a feeling and there is no practical reality and you are not in fact becoming two or more walking. We become just another name for ‘love’. Nothing more than the sweetness of the lollipop or the sugar pills we got when they tried to control us to do what they wanted us to do. And the System is doing Exactly the Same”.

As this relationship was added to my reality the polarity experience within myself regarding the development of the relationship and developing myself professionally became a point I not only struggled with but was unable to direct effectively. However, I’m forever grateful my partner stood with me for so long because I’m now able to see myself within this and thus able to get to this point in time and experience for myself how this all actually played out in my reality. Again, without walking this process with a partner I would not be here writing this and I’m forever thankful for that.

To be continued

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-58-2017-08-12

Postby mikelammers » 12 Aug 2017, 15:56

A painful conclusion

My partner wanted to have me in her life as a more permanent presence. Being more involved in everything and becoming more like a part of the family. So what I failed to see is that If my partner wants to change the starting point of the relationship than the relationship needs redefining. A process that would have included the totality of us and our realities within a new agreement anyhow!!!

Common sense and a very simple conclusion I could have drawn if I would have taken the time to process that question and allow myself to come to that conclusion. But I completely missed that point and instead chose to do next to nothing when my partner confronted me with that invitation. And I did nothing out of fucking fear and did not express and share with my partner what came up in me that moment. Why wasn’t I aware of this simple equation the moment the question was asked and why did it take so long to get to a point of clarity within this?

As I see it now, I missed a moment of opportunity that would have allowed us to redefine our relationship and bring it to the next level as a new process that starts. But instead of using this opportunity as an educational moment for myself I allowed myself to react in fear and screw with myself and make assumptions and projections in my head that eventually lead to me becoming possessed with anger and rage witch lead to a brake up of our relationship. Within that I see and realise that I have created the opposite of what I actually want. And that is a crying shame to say the least.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel claustrophobic within my relationship seeing realizing I was struggling to express myself with words and within those moments allowed myself to believe that I was not able to communicate clearly and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and claustrophobic instead of simply pushing myself knowing that walking this relationship is supporting myself to change my behaviour and build my vocabulary and within that I see and realize that this is a process that takes time and within that process mistakes will be made and within that I forgive myself to fear making mistakes seeing realizing that how we learn is by making mistakes until we get it right and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my partner because she has more vocabulary than me seeing realizing that I’m able to express myself with less words while I’m building my own vocabulary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to see what common sense is by judging common sense as some form of higher intelligence that I do not possess and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to place my definition of common sense as a higher form of intelligence and thus myself as a lower intelligence and within that I forgive myself for judging myself inferior to people with common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to my definition of intelligence as a rich vocabulary instead of finding out for myself what it is I have to say and say it in my own words and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort of redefining the word ‘intelligence’ in relation to having a ‘rich vocabulary’ in order to create a clear starting point for how I want to write and express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the implications and consequences of walking my life with someone else in a relationship from the starting point of an agreement seeing realizing that this relationship is not going to be comparable to former relationships thus is going to be a confrontation with myself that will show me how I have behaved in relationships before and within that I forgive myself for not doing my utmost to make this relationship the safe space we both need to be able to see how we ended up in these versions of ourselves within relationships and from there enable ourselves to redefine the present relationship by changing how we act within it and towards each other as our physical behaviour and within that I forgive myself for taking failure and making mistakes in relationships personal instead of the obvious consequences of my choice to be in this relationship thus as the unknown challenges I chooses to face and redirect and the within that I forgive myself for not taking full responsibility for the immature behaviour I displayed towards my partner as my incompetence to resolve moments of friction and conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the true experience of myself when my partner told me about experimenting with other men after our previous agreement fell and within that I forgive myself for believing everyone is replaceable thus I am replaceable and within that I forgive myself for feeling and behaving inferior not seeing realizing that this agreement is with myself in the first place and that me standing with myself is where I have to be and within that I forgive myself for comparing myself to these men I don’t even know and within that not investigate and focus on the role I played in creating this situation where my partner decides to date other men

I forgive myself for mindfucking myself into thinking that placing myself in a superior position in relation to other men might somehow compensate how I feel about myself not seeing realizing I’m creating feelings and emotions instead of solutions for myself in relation to my agreement and the person I want to be in agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite my agreement partner inside my head because I allowed to suppress anger and frustration that came up when she told me she slept with other men soon after our agreement fell for the first time and within that I forgive myself for judging her actions as severely pathetic and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not writing myself out at that point and forgive myself and share the true experience of myself with my partner in relation to her dating other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak out and share my feelings and emotions in relation to these other men the moment my partner came back into my life to redefine the agreement and within that I forgive myself for not cleaning my part of the slate completely in relation to my partners behavior in relation to other men and how I want to live an agreement in relation to other women

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that by not cleaning the slate completely when we decided to restart our agreement I created the seed for conflict regarding my unresolved emotional relationships and my inner conflict related to my partner and other men, her ex husband and her expression of superiority towards men in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my partners expression, behaviour and opinions of superiority towards mens with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my backchat place myself as expandable after my partner told me she slept with other men and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ who when not satisfied, simply buys a different product because one can and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not having the self commitment to stick to our relationship seeing realizing that judging her as a ‘brainwashed consumer’ with no self commitment is me reacting jealously and within that I forgive myself for judging myself/placing myself as a disposable product and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave like a disposable product that can be easily replaced like those other men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected towards my partner after she told me she slept with other men and within that suppress the true experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept authority from my agreement partner without asking myself and defining for myself what my point of authority and responsibility was within our agreement and within that I forgive myself for not trying to script my own agreement into the necessary specificity in relation to my own authority and my responsibilities towards my agreement and my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to naively think being in an agreement would be more comfortable and adventurous than being alone and within that not question the true motivations of myself into the nitty gritty in order to prepare myself in the best way possible before entering this relationship/agreement seeing realizing that my definitions of comfort and adventure at the time where projections and had nothing to do with our reality and my real my experience of practically walking this relationship/agreement with my partner based on self honesty and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in relation to my agreement partner within the point of her walking with Desteni from the beginning and thus assuming she had a head start and within that allowed myself to assume I had to catch up seeing realizing that I allowed myself to feel ‘behind’ and thus introduce a point of stress as ‘having to catch up’ as competition thus polarity as a win/loose equation instead of just focussing on my own process and what I was physically able to do at that point without making projections into the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process is comparable to that of other peoples seeing realizing that every person stands as a specific point and is thus walking specific points and within that I forgive myself for believing there is a predefined way or uniform timeline for everyone to get things done within process instead of seeing realizing that effectiveness within and as my physical action within my personal process is the only way to speed up process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my partner said she didn't want to introduce me to her friends as that would cause a stir in her environment and within that assume 'there was something she wanted to hide or was not telling me' and within that allowed myself to feel inferior and believe she had a second agenda and within that I forgive myself for creating my own agenda as a reaction instead of opening up this point and communicate it with my partner in order to create clarity for myself and each other within and as our agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was able to deal with being physically attacked by my partner not seeing realizing that me being physically attacked is connected to past events and experiences within myself related to being bullied and feeling totally helpless and abandoned and within that I forgive myself for suppressing and hiding the true experience of myself behind my automated reaction of anger and rage as the coping mechanism I use to deal with being bullied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hearing my partner speak with a tonality of authority to being attacked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could deal with being physically attacked because I’m strong and able to deal with physical pain not seeing realizing that the way I deal with physical pain is in no way self honest and thus not supporting me to come to terms with myself regarding the unresolved trauma that is still residing within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to developed a pattern where I compensate my inner experience of insecurity by acting cool and collected within and as bravura the same way I did in high school in order to cope with groups of boys harassing me and within that compensate and project the true experience of myself as projected anger and rage towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act cool and collected when my partner threw an object at me at the same time feeling overwhelmed by fear and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and betrayed by my partner and within that allowed myself to make the decision to leave instead of stabilizing myself and come to a clear understanding as to why my presence is able to trigger those reactions within my partner so my partner is eventually able to use my presence as a mirror for support instead of an additional point of stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of stabilizing myself and to diffuse the energy related to the polarity that exists between me and my partner within our relationship as this emotional construct of feeling betrayed and helpless and wanting to leave, within that seeing realizing and understanding that these energies will compound into my body in order to posses me even more when I’m confronted with similar situations in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of energy storms within and as my mind possession raging within me seeing realizing I have the tools to deal with them and that when I find myself possessed I can bring myself here by breathing, writing and speaking out my self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on my partner and my agreement realizing that that is also giving up on myself within and as the process of accepting myself as all I am and all I can do to redefine what it means to destroy myself as the patterns of self abuse I have accepted and allowed to become and within that have to first realize what it entails to be in this process of deconstructing myself by going through these experiences in order reveal to myself and come to an understanding of how I ended up in this version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my agreement feel like a member of the bomb squad and judge my partner as the explosive and within that assume to have a post traumatic stress syndrome connected to my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress how I experienced myself within conflict with my partner in relation to bullying incidents in high school where I didn't want to loose and within that I forgive myself for choosing to fight or flee instead of stopping my participation within and as conflict thus enable myself to stop the chain of events created between me and my partner and prevent them from escalating into full blown possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my partner as an opponent in combat that had to be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that underlying the problems of stability I faced within my relationship are my ’trust issues' and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my partner was dealing with the same issues and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that getting an outsiders perspective within and as asking for assistance was available to us and would have given us the opportunity to move more effectively and probably would prevented these extreme situations from manifesting and escalating the way they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I become intimidated with my partner instead of focussing on keeping myself stable in her presence realizing that this agreement was in fact an abnormal situation from the get go and as such the norm or normal rules did not apply to a certain extend and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing I was interpreting and shifting the reality of my relationship between multiple definitions and experiences I had regarding relationships and within that I forgive myself for creating a lot of friction and conflict within myself instead of using this relationship as the opportunity to walk with my partner from a redefined and singular starting point in order to allow myself to become fearless within my relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my partner as 'intense' personalities and highly emotional and highly controlled and within that I forgive myself to connect control and conflict to my personal definitions and opinions about my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not diffuse energies related to the polarity between me and my partner through writing, self forgiveness and sex, seeing realizing that by doing so we are creating after effects of conflict that will lead to accumulation of more energy related to our past and within that I forgive myself for thinking I wasn’t able to deal with my partners anger issues that resulted in physical violence and within that I forgive myself for not taking control over myself in these situations through breathing, writing and self forgiveness

mikelammers
Posts: 142
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-59-2017-08-14-regarding the agreement with myself

Postby mikelammers » 14 Aug 2017, 09:56

NOTE TO SELF

Dear Mike,

I would appreciate it if you take the time to hear me out. It’s a pleasant and somewhat unexpected surprise to see where you come from and how you have carried yourself the past seven years after you decided to change yourself and your approach to reality. You started pushing a lot of points within yourself and you tackled quite a few of them. There are also a lot of things you really screwed up but that’s not where I want to go now. I have experienced that you are capable of correcting mistakes through seeing what you did, take self responsibility for what you did and correct yourself by doing what needs to be done. And by doing so consistently over the past seven years you have really changed and that is a pleasant observation because I see I can trust you more within who you are and how you behave in daily reality. It’s hard for me to admit but it’s actually nice to have you around.

I had a huge wall of resistance coming up as I was pondering on these points and what to make of them because I realize that you have actually changed for real and apparently don’t want to go back to that old self that is still haunting you. Now I made an agreement with myself in the past to give you more room in my life if you would proof to yourself to be able to integrate this self change as action in your daily life and our relationship. And from my experience and perspective the moment to draw that conclusion is actually here.

You have proven to yourself that you are able to push through a lot of limitations you placed upon yourself despite the discomfort and huge effort this sometimes took. Your behaviour changed your relationships and the way people see you have changed. So I want us to change some things as well and bring our relationship to the next level because I hear a new process knocking on the door. And just like you, I don’t know what that process will exactly entail. But I see that we both sort of know what to expect, witch is the unexpected and I think we are ready to take that on if we proceed with caution and focus and give it our best effort.

So here is my question Mike. I want that Mike that can push himself to become a permanent point in my life? And before you give me an answer I want you to investigate that question for yourself first. So take your time while you reflect on it in self honesty and please collect all your thoughts, emotions and feelings that come up while you are doing so. Let’s give it a few weeks because I know these things need time. So let’s write ourselves out and then sit together and look at the questions and perspectives that open up. After that we can reflect on practical solutions and script the basic outline of our new agreement.

I see excitement bubbling behind your eyes so let’s have sex before you go to face your fears.


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