Memory: Dad pushes me to learn geography at dinner table while eating.
When I was 13 years old, we were studying for our exams, on this one particular day I had to study for geography, I struggled a bit with it, when it came to dinner time, at the table my father asked me how it was going with the studies, I replied it is going okay, he said get your books and lets see what you know thus far, I didn't want to do that as I just wanted to eat food and not study while eating, I got up and got my book, my dad started asking me questions while I am placing food in my mouth, but it is made clear that I can only eat once I have answered some questions, I could not answer the questions he was asking, I asked him if I could just finish eating, he was persistent in asking and finding out how I was doing, I kept telling him I just wanted to eat, I got emotional really quickly, feeling cornered by my father with the questions and me not being allowed to eat before I have answered a few questions. Suddenly my mom reacts badly, she stands up and shouts JUST LET HIM EAT, and she takes her plate of food and smashes it on the floor splashing everywhere. I was already crying before that, my dad stood up and didn't know what was happening now. dinner was spoiled and now there were arguments happening. I just sat there in shock, everything is my fault, I am stupid, I should have instead done as my dad said and this would not have happened, My belief in myself of being stupid is now more enforced, I belief now that I am responsible for the situation. I feel very bad about myself and what I am creating between my parents.
I forgive myself that I did not stand up and be direct with my father the moment he asked me the question of how is it going with my studies, where I tell him that I am struggling and do not understand the work so well, and to instead lie and say it is going okay in the fear of not being a good enough son, to be seen as a struggling son.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about my real relationship towards the information I was studying and so within that insecurity respond to my father in an indirect way that gave my father a false sense of where I am at and how he then felt inclined and confident that he could ask me questions quickly and that I would know them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIE to my father about how it is going with my studying and the information where my father then acted upon the words as Lies that I gave him, instead of being direct and real with my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and direct about where I am within side of myself and so act and do and say things that gives people a different perception of me, and so people act on that falls perception which i then place myself under and to have to uphold, which creates pressure within me and so within my environment when reality shows something else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see how I created in fact the situation and instead judge and blame my parents and so make my father bad and evil within my mind, not looking and seeing the self-deception that I participated within and thus the events that came from that, I see and realize that the reactions and emotions that came form my parents were exposed and their own and I did not create that yet I created my own situation and set it up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being real with myself and working with what is here as I believe others will see me as less, not good enough, not seeing and realizing that it is my own self-definitions that I am projecting out onto others, where I do not see myself as good enough, as not able, as not enough and so hide behind being somewhere or something else and thus never get to actually become enough, be enough for myself as I now always have to hide behind illusions and lies I create of myself for others to see and believe of me which creates friction and conflict that is unnecessary.
I commit myself to when and as I am asked about a certain topic or position I am within to be self-honest with myself first and foremost and to express the honesty from that not as to limit myself to the honesty but to actually work with what is here to have real improvement and development, to then accept the process required to change and improve myself and take self-responsibility, to not judge myself, to not go into emotions or feeling about the reality but to breath and take one step at a time