Family construct and design Self- Forgiveness

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Gian
Posts: 1031
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Family construct and design Self- Forgiveness

Postby Gian » 20 Oct 2017, 21:43

Family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the conditioning and brainwashing of that family as those who I happened to be born from and in as a group to be more and special than others and that these people that are "family" are more important than any other human being, and so within this define and create and establish who I am and my life based on and around this family construct out of fear of society/life out there as I was taught to keep me enslaved to love as fear as to never actually see and realize that ALL life matters and that the person i see on the street begging, the child dying of starvation, the murder and rape that is happening is all my family and that I must act and life to end the abuse of all of my family and not just a select few that resembles "safety" and "security" in a world where there is almost none and for most there is none and thus it is an illusion I am entertaining to be safe, to feel safe, that there is a few that will sacrifice themselves and claim to have for my well being, yet the world is not reflecting this love, yet this love is claimed in the family, and if all families claim this love then why is the world not reflecting this love all claim.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the only reason I "love" or care for those that are my "family" is because I got to know them, yet if I get to know all life the same as I did with them then I would feel the same about all life and not just the select few, thus I question why I am taught that others/life is dangerous and family isn't, is it to keep me and my love ONLY for the family and thus a self-interest drive behind it all to only protect and love a few to feel special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the IDEA of family to not reflect and be the IDEAL where all life is my family and that this exact care and intimacy must be equal and one for all, as death will break the illusions of family and what remains will be who I am as all life and not as a select few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by this family idea, where I have KNOWN and SEEN that family abuses family and believe it to be okay as it is all for love and blood, and thus for love and blood as family accept and allow the relationships for the sake of my programming of FEAR that without family and outside of family I am unsafe and in danger and thus believe I must have family no matter what even if it is abusive as it is better than being outside in the danger of strangers, just like how it functions in a prison, join a gang and take their abuse as it is better than taking the abuse from another gang all alone.

I commit myself to stop the illusions of family as love and care to a specific few and to challenge and question myself and why I hold onto such relationships, what is the brainwashing and fear behind ti, to remove this and to expand myself as reality as all as one and equals as all is family in fact and no one is more or less.



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Gian
Posts: 1031
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Re: Family construct and design Self- Forgiveness

Postby Gian » 22 Oct 2017, 00:22

Memory: Dad pushes me to learn geography at dinner table while eating.

When I was 13 years old, we were studying for our exams, on this one particular day I had to study for geography, I struggled a bit with it, when it came to dinner time, at the table my father asked me how it was going with the studies, I replied it is going okay, he said get your books and lets see what you know thus far, I didn't want to do that as I just wanted to eat food and not study while eating, I got up and got my book, my dad started asking me questions while I am placing food in my mouth, but it is made clear that I can only eat once I have answered some questions, I could not answer the questions he was asking, I asked him if I could just finish eating, he was persistent in asking and finding out how I was doing, I kept telling him I just wanted to eat, I got emotional really quickly, feeling cornered by my father with the questions and me not being allowed to eat before I have answered a few questions. Suddenly my mom reacts badly, she stands up and shouts JUST LET HIM EAT, and she takes her plate of food and smashes it on the floor splashing everywhere. I was already crying before that, my dad stood up and didn't know what was happening now. dinner was spoiled and now there were arguments happening. I just sat there in shock, everything is my fault, I am stupid, I should have instead done as my dad said and this would not have happened, My belief in myself of being stupid is now more enforced, I belief now that I am responsible for the situation. I feel very bad about myself and what I am creating between my parents.

I forgive myself that I did not stand up and be direct with my father the moment he asked me the question of how is it going with my studies, where I tell him that I am struggling and do not understand the work so well, and to instead lie and say it is going okay in the fear of not being a good enough son, to be seen as a struggling son.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about my real relationship towards the information I was studying and so within that insecurity respond to my father in an indirect way that gave my father a false sense of where I am at and how he then felt inclined and confident that he could ask me questions quickly and that I would know them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIE to my father about how it is going with my studying and the information where my father then acted upon the words as Lies that I gave him, instead of being direct and real with my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and direct about where I am within side of myself and so act and do and say things that gives people a different perception of me, and so people act on that falls perception which i then place myself under and to have to uphold, which creates pressure within me and so within my environment when reality shows something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see how I created in fact the situation and instead judge and blame my parents and so make my father bad and evil within my mind, not looking and seeing the self-deception that I participated within and thus the events that came from that, I see and realize that the reactions and emotions that came form my parents were exposed and their own and I did not create that yet I created my own situation and set it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR being real with myself and working with what is here as I believe others will see me as less, not good enough, not seeing and realizing that it is my own self-definitions that I am projecting out onto others, where I do not see myself as good enough, as not able, as not enough and so hide behind being somewhere or something else and thus never get to actually become enough, be enough for myself as I now always have to hide behind illusions and lies I create of myself for others to see and believe of me which creates friction and conflict that is unnecessary.

I commit myself to when and as I am asked about a certain topic or position I am within to be self-honest with myself first and foremost and to express the honesty from that not as to limit myself to the honesty but to actually work with what is here to have real improvement and development, to then accept the process required to change and improve myself and take self-responsibility, to not judge myself, to not go into emotions or feeling about the reality but to breath and take one step at a time



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viktor
Posts: 1336
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Family construct and design Self- Forgiveness

Postby viktor » 30 Oct 2017, 23:53

That was a intense memory. I had a similar situation occur when I was young. I tried to count to 20 in-front of my mother, and failed several times, while she laughed at it. And I became very frustrated and eventually fell down to the floor crying. Now I can see that I was coming from a desire/want to have appreciation/respect from my mother.

I can see that this is something I will be very careful with when I am with my daughter. To for example praise her for knowing or understanding things, because it easily becomes a possession, where it becomes about pleasing the parent instead of learning/expanding as an expression and self-movement.




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