Joseph's writings

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 18 May 2017, 23:04

Day 11
Hey Marlen, yes I can see how I have been fighting the addiction and placing all my focus on the addiction. This fighting is tiring me out and I can sort of see how I am still putting blame on the addictions. I have wrote about and touched upon the underlying points of addiction but I just need more time and to keep pushing as I can see that I am still not fully understanding the whole workings of these underlying points. So what am I running from and hiding from? I would say its to change myself to be real and really get responsible. I am afraid of who I will be if I change and the friends I would lose or how people will attack me and judge me. Im afraid to have to stand my ground. Im trying to postpone losing my identity and becoming the real being that I am that cares and does what is best for all. I want to just give in and continue with my usual energy trips of getting high and using porn and masturbation. I can see how I am saving these moments to keep myself in my mind and not expand myself and push myself past the reactions and decide to live the solutions I realize. So thanks for the reply and pointing out that I am focusing to much on the surface of addiction instead of actually looking at the roots of it. More things I trying to hide from are getting up and doing what needs to be done for myself and for my household and everyone here. I dont want to get up and clean the dishes or to sweep the floor or go apply for jobs and study for my GED test. Im hiding from actually grounding myself and trying to stop myself form ever coming to the point of deciding how I actually want to live and experience myself. I instead would rather sit in the house or in bed and stay in my mind where the reactions keep coming and coming no matter how much I apply Self-Forgiveness and Breathe because I am not aligning my actual living and moving myself of the position I have always kept myself in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for only looking at the surface of addictions.
I forgive myself the I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at the roots, the real underlying points and origins of my addictions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for putting blame on my addictions and viewing it as something that is happening to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for becoming irritated when my reactions keep coming and coming.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and perceive that I must fight my addictions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being to hard on myself for the addictions that I have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for shaming myself when I experience a urge or feeling and emotion about an addiction to try and stop myself from giving into my addictions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addictions to getting high and masturbating to porn as a comfort zone in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strive to be in my comfort zone and not step out of my comfort zone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my addictions to not experience any friction in my life/reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting real with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having saved these moments of self dishonesty to try and keep myself form living out my realizations in my day to day living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience me getting real with myself where I apply my realizations in my day to day living as friction in my life/reality and to see it as stepping out of my comfort zone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a drain and a weighing down if I have to step out of my comfort zone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends and my identity if I get real with myself because I know alot will change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how my whole life will change if I become real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone will challenge me and my stance as what is best for all if I change and become real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it is going to be me against the world if I change and become real.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live out my Self-Forgiveness statements and align my movements and my living to said Self-Forgiveness statements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change anything about the way I live but to want to continue to do Self-Forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself in situations and environments that support the mind and the suppression of myself and becoming real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements and Breathing is enough alone without actually changing and aligning my living.

I commit myself to decide how I want to live and apply it in my living in the moments where I want to remain in my comfort zone of my addictions.
I commit myself to look at the roots of my addiction instead of the surface of my addictions as I realize that that is just me trying to remain in my comfort zone.

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 20 May 2017, 07:28

Day 12
Today I woke up and moved myself to do things that I seen needed to be done such as the dishes and applying for jobs. I have a real resistance to doing things like the physical side of things. Like actually getting up and walking to the kitchen to do the dishes or going to the job to get an application I would like to just sit and not really do anything but trick myself to think i am doing something by doing Self-Forgiveness and reading blogs and watching vlogs or interviews but I dont do anything differently lol. I still did Self-Forgiveness and I was breathing but I was actually aligning my physical movement to my breathing and Self-Forgiveness. It felt pretty good like I was really doing something for myself and for others in my house hold. Its interesting to see how I have been avoiding actual real living change and using the tools to do that. So day by day I am slowly learning what it really means to apply myself and what process is all about. I like the video Gian just did that helped me see how I have been using addiction to avoid simple basic responsibilities that can be really empowering and to live out the change for real. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYlwTZ8tJJs I actually woke up mad and angry and I went to do the dishes and I was mad through the whole thing and I noticed my anger and I was breathing but I kept on moving myself to work the needs to be done around the house and after about 5 hours I was in a different mood or I was clearer and not angry anymore and I actually felt pretty good to see that I changed that for myself through actual living change and I slept a lot better. My dreams werent as intense and it felt like I got some real rest. More to come and thanks for reading!

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 May 2017, 03:39

Day 13
Hey all today was a productive day. I didnt let my reactions bring me down or affect me to the point where I get nothing done. I went with my brother to his job to apply and had a mini interview and then I hung out with a good friend. All of these I wouldnt have done if I was smoking weed and I would have avoided such situations but I moved myself out of my usual patterns. Its definitely a willing that I must do everyday. Its like Im pushing past just doing Self-Forgiveness and writings where I actually live out the changes I would like to see and strive for. Yesterday at night I watched a cool video done by Sunette and it touched upon what I wrote in day 10 where I felt tired of process and like I needed a break. I see how thats a mind fuck because process never stops for oneself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiLUzENGBJY

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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 22 May 2017, 04:06

Day 14
Hey everyone. Ive kind of lost my goal for this 21 day challenge or at least its changed from focusing on weed addiction to the underlying causes of addiction. But I see Im addicted to so many things I cant possibly take them all on and stop them all in one go. Right now with weed I barely have any reactions. They are more like split second thoughts to smoke but I stop them and breathe, so I know I can handle the thoughts about weed. I am around it all day and I can smell it and I have no reactions or urges but like I said every now and then a thought comes up and I step in and stop them. Now with porn and masturbation is another story because I have urges and they get the best of me. I can stand for a few days but then it gets so unbearable and the urge gets stronger and stronger. What I noticed that helps a lot is if I wake up and I am here with myself and I start my day off directing myself to responsibilities I have to take care of but I cannot be doing something all day everyday and also I remember reading or watching a video that masturbation in itself isnt bad its the way we use it and how we connect it to pictures and energy that posses us. So I dont want to stop masturbating because its not the masturbation its the underlying points connected to it. I have been trying to do it without pictures and breathing through the thoughts as they come up. And if I do go do it I have to make the decision to do so and not follow an urge or energy that is moving within me. So I am practicing to keep it physical. I want to ask is this a good way to go about it? How does one start to develop physical intimate touch?

Also Ive noticed how I dont really want to write anymore and that I have been forcing myself to write and how I will write something real fast and not give it a lot of thought just so that I can say I did another day and its done and Ive done enough. So theres a slight resistance to actually write about this and continue to write and write what needs to be writing as I see it and not just whip up a small paragraph so I can say I havent broken my commitment to my 21 day challenge.

Today I started doing Self-Forgiveness on what activates and powers and feeds my urge to use porn to masturbate. Like what my trigger points are and what I desire. I did both the with and withouts. Like what I desire to have about sex and how I am when I have those things or how I would view myself and others that have the things I desire and then I did how I am and how I view myself and others that dont have those things and what I am comparing. What do I feel that I am fulfilling and what I am missing out on? I started doing the Self-Forgiveness because I woke up today with the urge and I fell and gave in and I was mad because I know I should of just sat down and done Self-Forgiveness before I did the act but I didnt. So after, I started writing and started pulling it apart and breaking it down how I understand it currently. So I started with the main point that triggers me and its girls that have big butts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write out the full context of what I am going through in my 21 day challenge and instead write a fast small paragraph to get it out of the way and have it be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gimp my application of the tools not realizing that I am slowing down and really fucking myself over with my progress in my process.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create the time and space and to take the time and space to sit down and get to the bottom of things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to get to the bottom of things because that would mean that I am enabled to change and that I would understand fully how my mind works with these points and be able to stop them and change for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become aroused by girls with big butts and big breasts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am missing out on life if I dont have a girl with a big butt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about myself if I have a girl with a big butt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having placed my worth on wether my girl has a big butt or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing value on girls wether they have a big butt or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an insatiable lust for girls with a tight fat ass.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become triggered and experience arousing energy when I say the words "tight fat ass"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I cant help myself to stop my reactions and that I have to follow through with this energy of arousal.
I forgive myself that I have not accepting and allowed to stop my reactions to girls with big butts with my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeing a guy with a girl with a big butt and to think how lucky he is to have that for himself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture girls with big butts , naked and to picture myself having sex with them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how lucky I would be to have a girl with a tight fat ass that I can use for sex/pleasure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can just use a girl for sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not even caring about a girl and who the being is and to only be interested in her big butt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and girls into mind fucks that are based on energy and lust and using each other for Self-Interest reasons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that I should go masturbate when and as I think about girls with tight fat asses.

I commit myself to wake up in the morning and direct my day where I handle what needs to be done and what is in front of me at that moment.
I commit myself when and as I see a girl with a big butt or a tight fat ass, to stop and breathe. I stop the lust and energy with my breath.
I commit myself to not compare myself as lucky or unlucky to other males based on how if their girl has a big butt or not.
I commit myself to stop my reactions of feeling fulfilled when my girl has a big butt by stoping the reaction and breathing.
I commit myself to stop my reactions of feeling like I am missing out on life if my girl doesnt have a big butt.
I commit myself to not link my self-worth and value as a being on wether my girl or others girls have a big butt or not.

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 24 May 2017, 03:23

Day 15
Hey all, I missed my writing yesterday. Does it feel like I failed? No definitely not. I didnt get home till late and today I was out all day working. Ive been feeling pretty clear and I am starting to feel the benefits of stopping smoking weed. My body feels more fresh and awake throughout the day and when I wake up and it feels like I am resting easier. My dreams arent as intense anymore which is cool. I have been able to direct myself easier because I dont want to run from my life and my reality by using weed. I used to wake up and smoke weed first thing in the morning and I would be so tired and foggy throughout the whole day. I was always on the verge of falling asleep and I was eating so much. Id be putting strain on everyone else in the house because my mom would do the dishes at night and I would just munch out eating alot of the food thats for everyone and I would fill up the sink with dirty dishes. I would get really down and cry in my bed because of how my life is/was and I was always feeling sorry for myself and judging myself. Its been very cool this 21 day challenge. I can trust myself to breathe when a thought or feeling about weed comes up and thats it. Its not like the thought keeps popping up and popping up. I am more considerate and I get more done in my day and around the house. My mom loves it because theres less dishes and with me using washing dishes to take a moment for myself theres usually never a sink full of them lol. I am not afraid to tell close people to me about this process and my 21 day challenge, most have been accepting and others cant see the point or think I am lying because of all the years talking about desteni but id always be falling and doing the same shit lol. I feel good and my body feels strong. My stomach problems have went down a lot and only affect me like 2-4 days a week. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I can see that quitting weed is supporting me in a lot of areas in my life. Its helping me to grown and expand and it wasnt based on hope or forcing myself to quit. It has been based on me pushing myself to support myself with Self-Forgiveness and writing myself out when I didnt want to and when I wanted to give up. It has been based on actually changing my living and not doing what I would usually do. It has shown me that different path are available and that I can decide how I want to experience myself.
Thanks for reading!

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 24 May 2017, 22:38

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how I will ask a girl for her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about asking a girl for her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting nervous when I think about asking a girl for her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making the moment of asking for her number that moment of truth, will I be rejected or accepted?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being rejected if I ask a girl for her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I dont have that magic talk and magic words to get a girl to say yes when I ask her for her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking and believing that you have to have that magic talk and charm for a girl to say yes when I ask for their number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that asking a girl for her number is unnatural to me and that it would/will be difficult.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to make asking girls for their numbers easy, natural and free flowing where I remain calm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I must get her number and not considering that I could give her my number.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must impress a girl and act cool to get her number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being seen as stupid and weird and thus thinking I have failed and that theres no way I can get her number now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for basing my worth as a being on wether or not I can get a girls number.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for constantly thinking about what will happen when I ask her for her number.

I commit myself to when and as I think about what I will say and do to get a girls number, I stop and I breathe.
I commit myself when and as I get nervous about asking a girl for her number, I stop and I breathe.
I commit myself when and as I think I have to act cool and impress a girl to get her number, I stop and I breathe. I realize I have blown this idea up about asking girls for their numbers and I have been feeding it and letting it affect me negatively because it feels like something is really at steak here. I realize that I have to stand by my breath in the moments of nervousness and moments of beliefs about what I need to do and moments of fear of rejection and failure so that I can diffuse this point and take back my power/worth.
I commit myself to save myself the stress and energy by simply giving girls my number and let them know they should contact me.

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 25 May 2017, 06:13

Day 16
Today I noticed that when I smell weed I have a resistance to breathe. I smell it and a thought comes up about smoking it and Ill start to breathe but then Ill think "no I am inhaling it I cant breathe right now" lol. First of all I do not get high from it and second I am not turning to it to not face myself , I am breathing to stop my mind from thinking about it. So when I smell it and a thought comes up I can remove myself from the area and I shouldnt actually have these fears and worries because my relationship to it has changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no want to breathe through my thoughts about smoking weed because it smell it and my mind tries to tell me that I am basically smoking it and therefore I have compromised my 21 day challenge.

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 94
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 27 May 2017, 03:33

Day 17
Oh man another day to write was missed. Ive just gotten another job and I actually have been pretty busy lately. I am finding myself doing things I would never be doing if I was still smoking weed. Ive been so busy lately that I just want to get home and rest. Ill know that I have to write but I tell myself that I am way too tired and I just go to sleep. Now I am not the busiest man in the world so obviously I have time to write. And if I dont have time and things are crammed in one day I can make time and I can push myself to write. When you live in a world with the mind consciousness system and you are in a process to become life is it really acceptable to hold off on writing and Self-forgiveness and Self-Introspection because you are tired? I would say no. So with weed I am still breathing and still practicing to remain here and stable. I honestly thought I would never say this but this 21 day challenge and quitting weed has actually been a fun ride so to speak. Its funny how we resist quitting certain addictions or we think we cannot do without something until we really give ourselves the chance to take on the challenge or task and we learn so much about ourselves. Thanks for reading!


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