Joseph Stein wrote:I've been wanting to write about this point lately and I have been holding it off for another time but I already know that "another time" will never come so Im here. The point is about my jobs and how I put so much burden on myself and it starts to weigh down on me till eventually I cant take it anymore.
I wrote about this in my DIP lite and I want to take care of this point because I have to get to a point of financial stability so I can support myself in the current system. But yeah this is what I wrote on my DIP lite.
Everytime I have a job I am happy. I come home happy and I leave home happy. I get to work happy and I leave work happy. Im just a happy fuck lol. Then every job I have had I have either gotten fired because of no-call-no-show or I have walked out because I get to the point where I say fuck this and fuck you manager you deal with this shit.
Hi Joseph, cool you're opening this point here
So what I suggest considering is how you have participated in energy - meaning emotions and feelings - in relation to the job situation you're in. For example, the happiness could be simply a stability based on having a job and so having that financial stability, however as you've explained, you get happy upon positive reinforcement
such as you explain here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when a manager or boss says Ive done a good job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think "yeah I going into work im going to get compliments, I am going to do the best I can do and yeah I so cool and happy"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes without any consideration and to later regret saying yes because then I feel I am getting fucked by the bosses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to play this character where I am an extra-ordinary worker because I want to impress everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for going through great lengths to impress people that really begin to wear me down and catch up to me as I cannot sustain my mask all the time of being a happy fuck and a extra-ordinary worker.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself by saying that I am a happy fuuck because I think I am stupid for acting that way.
You'd have to ask yourself why do you want to impress everyone? Is it to get better pay? because it makes you feel superior? Because it makes you feel accepted? or admired? or just because you want to 'show others how to do it' type of situation? See because that's where we also begin limiting ourselves in our expression in whichever aspect of our reality we with, when we start considering Others first and how 'They' see us instead of taking responsibility for doing things for ourselves, as a point of self movement, without seeking validation, recognition as a 'good experience' within you - and so be able to write out self forgiveness and self corrective statements for that which is also important in terms of being able to give direction to you now that you are realizing the 'truth' of the matter.
So this commitment here
I commit myself to when and as I notice that I am playing/putting on a mask/playing the character of being and happy person and an extra-ordinary worker so I can get reconition when I know I cannot sustain the image/picture/behavior, I stop and breathe.
If the correction was only 'stopping and breathing' it would be very easy to 'change' but that's not how it actually works. So you can instead write something like 'When and as I notice that I am playing/putting on a mask/playing the character of being a happy person an an extra-ordinary worker so I can get recognition - I stop and I breathe - I realize that this is a pattern of me seeking recognition in order to get the good experience that I've defined as happiness and so it mean that I am defining my work according to how I want others to see it and tell me 'how good it is' instead of doing it for myself.
I commit myself to remain as breath while working and continuing to be effective in what I do from the starting point of doing the best job I can for myself, as part of my integrity, the dedication that I want to live in my work - not for the sake of getting recognition from others.
Therefore what happens here is that you then have conditioned yourself to want to obtain this positive feedback to keep the perceived positive/good side of the mind-experience which you've defined as happiness - and so that's why you actually burden yourself with taking more things to do in order to maintain that 'high' of an experience simply to continue having that positive feedback, or maybe to get more money if your performance does translate into more money in your case. However this is actually the facade, the mask as you call it to not actually see and face the reality of what you Actually experience and that you simply try and 'keep up' with the positive experience, which is why you 'over-do' yourself in order to just continue feeling 'good' and avoid looking at the negative which are in fact the emotions that you Do experience, but mostly are suppressing, as you've mentioned here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this mask over me when I am at work that says I dont bring emotions to work and I am just here to work and that I dont take problems at work seriously and that I am okay, when really to whole time I am slowly but surely falling.
So what happens is that when we 'shove things aside' as if they don't matter, and continue wanting to pretend that 'everything is fine,' those emotions get suppressed but not gone - all that energy that comes with such backchat is still within you, because you haven't deal with it. So this is why you're so 'worn out,' because it's like trying to maintain a high while the reality of your emotional experiences is going in the opposite way, which is why you get to the point where it eventually 'weighs you down' which means that one is participating in an energy-mode and 'fighting' to keep your 'high' while pretending that you're ok and 'not emotional.' So within realizing this, it is also to come to understand that the job in itself is not the burden, the job in itself might be 'rough' at times - you'd have to decide that - meaning in terms of the challenges, the deadlines, the physical work it might require, but what wears us out is mostly the energy participation in it, and this implies both positive and negative, because even physically demanding work is able to be done breath by breath.
So when I get a job I want to impress other by being the one worker whos just really on his A game. Theres these moment where my boss will come up to me and ask me to do something and I really feel one way but I will say yes without even considering if I will be able to keep up with the task or what effect it will have on me and then only later I start thinking "this mother fucker is taking advantage of me" and I start hating my job slowly everyday more and more. I don't show any of this to anyone and I don't express it up until I have made to decision to walk out. It just feels like massive weight on my shoulders and like im choking and I cant breath and I want to say something but Im afraid if I say anything something bad wil happen and then Im lost in my stance and I don't know what to do and then I start thinking "fuck this shit this isn't worth it for what Iam making". Man ALOT of reactions go on and ALOT of internal conversations happen within me. Then its like I want to get back at my bosses because I start blaming them for what is happening to me and I think "they are doing it to me". I always seem to be over worked and only later to find out that I am the one getting paid the least and then I start thinking "this mother fucker has been lying to my face with every compliment because he know I am doing above and beyond work and he knows I am getting paid the least". I don't even ask for a raise because I don't know how to approach my boss because I have all of these emotions and thoughts going on inside of me. I picture in my head going into the office and getting everything off of my chest and then there being a HUGE argument. I think Its best to keep my mouth shut and suck it up.
Here you are describing the actual backchat which I suggest you take one by one to investigate when does this backchat come up, why does this backchat exist within me? what is it indicating me about my participation with others at work? Am I blaming others for how 'they' make me feel? Where am I not taking responsibility for what I experience?
The reason why you feel like you have this burden is all the emotions that you've accumulated and not actually released through self-forgiveness and practical application, which means Not participating in the same backchat once that you have actually first investigated these thoughts and experiences. Because what happens is that the more you layer these experiences within you, the more they become automated and so it will also require equal consistency of backchat participation to stop them, to be able to take on through self forgiveness each backchat and see who are you blaming for your experience? why are you burdening yourself? What are you wanting to 'get' from these interactions?
Once you first face, dissect and take responsibility for the accumulation of emotions around this point, you'll be able to have more clarity as to how you can have a normal stable conversation about your wage if you do see that it's definitely not enough - but if you get to ANY person or any boss with such 'tough' attitude of 'fuck this shit' lol obviously they are going to kick your ass out because in this system we've made ourselves replaceable and so, no one will really have the heart to investigate 'your anger' and make your wage higher just so that you can keep your job! That doesn't happen in this world as it exists now - so it's for the best that you begin sorting out your own emotional situation here so that you can THEN in stability be able to practically assess the financial situation in relation to wages - but, I definitely suggest you avoid bursting out like that memory you explained again, because that will simply become a pattern of you 'burdening yourself up' with so many things in Your mind and so blame the boss, blame the job and quit - which will repeat and repeat until you sort yourself out.
Here I definitely recommend listening to: Annoyance: Reactions in Your Workplace - Atlanteans - Part 191Annoyance: Learning Something New - Atlanteans - Part 192Annoyance: Change Yourself - Atlanteans - Part 193
So, see how you react positively toward those that you perceive and believe are 'positive toward you' and how you react negatively or in anger when others are demanding you to do things or are angry within themselves due to their own accepted and allowed participation in anger, and how you react to them and so take their matters personally as well, because our reactions are always only related to ourselves, they are our own creation and how we 'believe' and 'perceive' others are toward us, so it can only be You reacting to His/others experiences, but not 'their fault' at all - self-responsibility is a key aspect here and self-honesty to see how it is you the one that has created this pattern.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing past experiences with my boss that contributed to the situation and was actuually a form of revenge because of all the little moments that led up to this one.
See how we tend to 'seek revenge' when we victimize ourselves believing that 'someone else did it to us
' without wanting to face the reality, which is: we do it ourselves, we do it to ourselves and so we MUST stop seeking to blame and even 'get revenge' from others as that's what has perpetuated the world as is, filled with 'invisible wars' that we only fight against ourselves in our invisible mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw away my form of self-support away because I was mad.
I would also 'watch out' for any self-sabotage situations wherein you simply give yourself as the mind full domain on yourself, because for the mind it's just such a wonderful source of energy you are giving it, so the more you participate in energy, the better - the more you start applying yourself in self-honesty to correct this point, the less energy you as the mind gets and that's precisely where real change resides, so it's all about You deciding who you will be in every moment.
Within all of this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as a badass because I was "that gay that went there" that everybody wants to see and so I set it up where we were in font of all the employees so I could say fuck you and walk out.
This is the kind of points that you from here on would want to stop yourself from repeating ever again, this is just like a tantrum we create the same way as when we were children after we didn't get what we want, where there's spite, a sense of victimization and so a desire for 'revenge' while it all was concocted in your own mind. Place yourself in the shoes of others and see yourself from the 'outside,' do you actually consider that you would take such words personally? lol, if anything it would make everyone only realize how much you can 'burst out' after having played the good-worker facade, so it's only self-deception that's going on here, it won't really ever 'change others' or 'change how others see you' - so this is all about yourself in the first place, nothing more and nothing less.
I commit myself to when and as I feel like walking out because I want to get back at my boss and look like a badass, I stop and breathe. I realize im fucking insane and this is completely dumb and Im the only one to pay the price at the end of the day.
By perpetuating the judgment such as 'i'm insane' and 'i'm dumb' etc... that simply is now 'taking the blame' yourself and in blame, it is simply Another facade, another mask to not actually identify the responsibility you have to yourself in this situation, so this is not a REAL self-commitment or corrective statement, it is nothing else but 'turning the tables' and placing yourself in the 'inferior position' after you tried to place yourself 'on top of them all' by expressing them your anger - apparently - as a way to 'get back at them'. So, be aware of these games and rather self-forgive your self-definitions here and how they are actually Excuses to not face the reasons WHY you've wanted to be a 'badass' and why you wanted to 'get back at your boss' and how it all begun the moment you didn't take responsibility for your own emotional experiences in the first place, which could have prevented all these situations you've created - so it hasn't 'happened to you': you have created them yourself.
Ok, thanks for sharing it so openly because this is such a common thing and we can all relate to situations like this.
If something is not clear,let us know.