Joseph's writings

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 12 Apr 2014, 12:28

I finally got off my ass and fixed this computer lol. So last time I wrote I was writing about how I was changing and seeing the change through my own commitment. I was doing my DIP lite but some time after my post my internet got shut off and I let that turn into an excuse because I could have walked up to the library. So I stopped with my DIP lite lessons. I mean I would do them here and there but it got to the point where I would like only do 1 assignment a month. I just kind of gave up and stopped all because of a 30minute walk. My internet is back on now and Im still procrastinating doing them. Ill do 2 in a row then stop for a month. But something very cool I did while my internet was out is that I started a journal and I wrote myself out. I did this when I got my new job (at the time) which was around the beginning of December last year. I really cant remember why I started writing like that almost everyday. I think it was because I was taking this job very seriously and I was looking at it from the point where I can support myself with this job. Now I remember lol I literally sat down one day and I realized that I didnt know a lot about desteni and what I mean is that I havent read all of the material. There was a period for me when I just thought about desteni and I didnt apply any of the tools. Basically I twisted the information and came up with my own view and I wanted to prove myself wrong by reading the desteni material. I found that I did have ideas about desteni that were wrong and I also found out new stuff that I didnt know before. I read the articles from "Questions and Perspectives" because I thought that would be the best place to start. It was just to clear things up. Looking back at it now its like I started fresh again with the information. But yeah each nightt i would read one article and made sure it stuck with me and not something I would forget the next day. I dont really remember but I know I had to re read some things a couple of times lol. After telling myself that I would read the desteni material I also told myself I would jst start writing. I looked at the point if I dont get up in the moment and write when will I??? So i started doing it. LOL my journal has a teddy bear and it jst looks like something a little girl would have LOL but I said fuck it. If thats what I got to write down on then so be it because I didnt have any other journals and my aunt bought it for me. You got to stand no matter what right? even if your journal looks like it came out of Dora's backpack. The writing have been on and off but becoming more consistent. I just started dating my pages. At first I didnt see the point but now I think it is very assisting for organizational purposes and also because you can see exactly how long you stood for and how long your fall was and its like keeping track of all the real progress that has been done. So for the next couple of weeks I will be sharing all of the writings from my journal on here.

See you all soon. And its good to be back sharing again.

User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3713
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Anna » 12 Apr 2014, 13:37

Cool Joseph! Thanks for the update.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 12 Apr 2014, 19:29

I wrote this reminder to myself to do this process for myself. I wrote " Starting point=ME. Change ME for ME. Not anything else. Everything exists inside of me. So transcend ME as EVERYTHING for ME. I realize that Im abusing myself as EVERYTHING so I need to stop ME as EVERYTHING. I MUST keep this point clear to myself in EVERYTHING I DO." I also wrote "Take the point back to self." and a video that was really assisting "The Design on Giving Up".


This is my first page in my journal or my first entry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use weed as a means to not face myself and to suppress what is going on inside of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have to beat the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to overcome energetic experiences.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to understand, see and realized that I have to transcend the mind within and as me meaning one and equal to it and as it.
I realize that this whole time I havent been transcending anything and have only been trying to overcome and beat the mind and I wont get anywhere if I keep doing it that way.
I realize that I have to change/transcend the mind one and equal to it as me and everything as who I really am as life.
I commit myself to take this point and apply the tools to it and to remind myself about what all this is actually about.
I commit myself to tell myself that it is about transcending and not overcoming, that it is about changing it one and equal to me as everything as who I really am as life and not beating the mind.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 14 Apr 2014, 07:29

This is my second entry in my journal.

Today after work I asked my partner if she would buy me some slip resistant shoes. She said no because she has no money but I started to remember when she told me that she has money saved up. So I thought that she could pay for them. I told her that she did in fact have money in the bank. She didn't say anything. I started telling her that I would pay her back after my first paycheck and that I didn't want to use my dad's new shoes and cause them to stink and get worn out by winter. Plus they hurt my ankles and are to big for me. This made me really angry because she is the person I turn to to ask a favor. I didn't see why it was a problem because in my eyes I'm thinking 1.) she has more than enough money to buy them 2.) I'm going to pay her back 3.) I was going to give her 300 dollars to help her save up 4.) these shoes are important and not out of a desire or want. I need those ducking shoes for work because my work place requires slip resistant shoes and if I don't have them I could get fired and I was afraid of that 5.) I would do it for her and she makes it seem like it just can't happen. Like I said it makes me so mad.
After work we took the bus that's when all of what I wrote happened and when I thought that stuff. So we got off of the bus and went to the library. I asked her if she could buy them for me again. She didn't say anything.... So I said fuck this and fuck her. I left library angry. I started having thoughts about how much of stupid fucking bitch she is. I just couldn't understand why. I hated her for that. I just wanted to be mean to her. To be honest I felt like beating her fucking face in. After we got home I started being really mean to her. I wasn't applying my breath or SF in the moment. When I was looking through my dirty clothes and I was throwing hers. ( lol how stupid) I didn't care where they landed. I only washed my clothes. If she was in my way I would bump into her without consideration. After putting the clothes to wash I seen that she had picked hers up so I threw them again. I wanted to let her know how much I hated her and just how angry I was. I was making the statement "fuck you" through my actions. I took a nap. Woke up and basically we were both going through the same patterns that I just wrote about.

I wrote this some time later but I noticed that I still needed to write about some other backchat I was having and take care of it.

Cont. from my writing about my partner when I was going through the thoughts of hatred I also felt like giving up. I felt like quiting this new job and going back into depression. I felt like just staying in my room doing nothing at all. I felt hopeless. But I was able to get through that. I need to realize that when I think things are going good and one bad thing happens or if something doesn't go as planned that I shouldn't let this one thing bring me down to the point where I feel like giving up.

When and as I start to think that I am hopeless because one thing doesn't go as planned, I stop and breathe.
I realize that this thought pattern and these types of reactions are harmful to me and to others because I won't allow myself to give myself anything I can support myself with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for becoming hopeless and feeling like giving up when something doesn't go as planned.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to give myself a moment to look at this feeling of hopelessness and wanting to give up when it is happening so that I can take steps to stop those thoughts and emotions.
I commit myself to remind myself that this hopelessness and wanting to give up is harmful to me and to others.
I commit myself to see/understand/realize that I won't ever be able to support myself if I don't transcend this point of hopelessness and giving up because of the consequences of participating in such emotions and thoughts.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 14 Apr 2014, 07:48

Whoops looked through the journal and found the forgiveness for what happened between my partner and I. This was written after my forgiveness on my thoughts of hopelessness and giving up. Again I noticed these points needed taking care of.

Cont. SF about my partner not wanting to buy my work shoes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting mad at my partner when she didn't want to buy my work shoes.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that my partner really doesn't have to do anything for me. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that close people to me are obligated to help me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for then trying to reinforce that idea of people being obligated to help me by coming up with reasons why my partner should buy me the shoes so I can confirm that I am right and that she is wrong.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take a moment and ask myself if my partner is really, actually and in self-honestly obligated to do anything for me because of the fact that she is close to me.
I realize that people don't have to do anything for me for close or not, its up to them and their decision.
I commit myself to when and as I start feeling that people are obligated to help me and they don't and I start reacting in emotions of anger and hate, I stop and breathe.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 Apr 2014, 04:41

I wrote this when I was at a low point. I remember more clearly now what helped me stand up and it was just certain experiences that i went through. One of them was my dog passing away.

I keep on holding off on changing myself. Its always at another time. I never act to change in the moment that I have the chance to. I should go and grab my pen and paper immediately and write and write and write and write. I have so many resistances to actually sit down and pull my mind apart through words on paper. I should actually investigate myself. The only way is if I write and in the moment. None of this "being lazy/ I dont want to" shit. If I dont Ill suffer and by my doing. I feel childish and ashamed.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 Apr 2014, 04:55

When I wake up I feel like smoking. Usually I wake up with nothing to do and so I get bored. Thats when I start thinking about it. This is hard for me to quit right now because I have for so long smoked weed when I get bored with things. That would be like the 2nd main reason why I smoke, the 1st reason being to suppress whats going on inside of me. If I get bored of a game Ill smoke weed and then I can play the game for awhile. Its like I have to be high to do the things I want to do. I have this belief that weed makes everything better like games, movies, T.V, conversations, and how I feel for a moment. On my DIP lite I noticed that I could only bring myself to do the lessons if I was high.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 Apr 2014, 05:03

This journal entry I actually dated lol. 01/10/14

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anger specifically towards my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for coming up with excuses to justify my anger and my anger specifically towards my partner where I give myself excuses so I can validate anger and think its okay and then I reach that point where I start expressing the anger because its okay.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take a breath when I start making excuses to be angry and to be angry specifically towards my partner.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 Apr 2014, 05:10

This is the next entry.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to quit smoking weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better after smoking weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to feel better because I feel bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel bad and get emotionally low.

User avatar
Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 Apr 2014, 05:24

Next journal entry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing self-forgiveness everyday and to do it everytime I see that I need to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if I do constant application of self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear discovering myself with self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself the chance to discover myself and become self-intimate with self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to apply self-forgiveness when I am going through an energetic experience and especially when it is really amplified and when the influence is strong.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that its those moments when the influence is strong that I have a good chance at changing/trancending the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having judged myself before I even allowed myself a chance to be self-intimate with myself.


Return to “Writing Yourself to Freedom”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests