Joseph's writings

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 69
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 14 Apr 2017, 00:47

Hey all, Im still pushing myself to apply the tools. Ive been having really shitty days where Ill sleep for most of the day. But I keep reminding myself that it will pass and that is the mind playing on me. Ive been having very strong reactions lately since I moved out of my place. I read the chat you guys did where you were all talking about about how when you become more aware of the mind that it may seem that your mind is going crazy or more intense. That assisted me. Ive been learning to be more gentle with myself because Ive noticed that Im very hard on myself, to the point where its limiting me. Ive been reading blogs from Kim, Tormod, and Nick and Kristina and these have helped me see how much of the same that I am dealing with, that other destonians go through much of that same. A lot with what I am going through in my life is very related to the content many of you are putting out. Its been pretty cool and helping a lot. So my main points are

1.) Not being hard on myself and being more gentle with myself

2.) Remind myself things arent as bad as I make them out to be.

3.)Reminding myself that when I fall that itll pass

4.)Participating and sharing myself more

5.)Seeing who I am in relation to events in life

This is cool. It feels real and its very hard but I feel like I am establishing a platform for myself. Ive realized that Im fucked up - lol but for a very good reason and that its nessesary for me to go through these hard times with strong reactions so that I change. So its not going away anytime soon. I feel more prepared realizing this for my 'bad' days. And back to seeing you guys going through the same shit I go through or even similar things has made me see how much I have hyped up a destonian - lol. Ive pretty much built you guys up to be like super heroes. But watching Cerise and joe's get real series and reading blogs and watching sunette's videos is all very cool. Like really finally seeing how we are all in this together and how I see others apply themselves regardless of what they go through, which is much of the same I go through. So Ive seen how I make thing much worse and harder to deal with and also all the excuses I make for myself as well as how much of a victim I make myself in my life. Now I dont know if this is helping but I remember the video of bernard called embrace yourself. He says how before he could change himself he had to accepting all his fuck ups and he would hold himself in his arms. Well Ive been doing this on the very bad days. Ive realized that SF alone is not enough, that I actually have to put the effort in. Something happens a lot when I breathe and its like Ill notice a thought and Ill start breathing then halfway through Ill lose track and I lose the point and it feels like I didnt do anything. Another thing is many times I apply breath my chest hurts and feels uncomfortable. Another thing that happens is Ill apply breath and breathe in 4 then hold 4 but I get stuck in the pause and end up gasping for air lol. Am I doing something wrong? Is this common? Or how can I get past the pain in my chest when I am apply breath.

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Joseph Stein
Posts: 69
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 19 Apr 2017, 04:37

Hey everyone. So today. I was riding in the car with M. He was driving and I was sitting in the passenger. So before I get into what happened I want to say that anytime M drives I am nervous like really nervous and to be honest I think he sucks at driving. I tense up constantly while sitting in the car that he is driving. I always feel like I have to be aware so that nothing bad happens and I have prevented 2 car accidents by pointing out to him that maybe he shouldnt go and take the turn lol. Okay so we both get in the car, hes driving. We pull up to a stop sign and he stops and he looks both ways. I thought I seen him see the car coming, so he starts going and as soon I realized he was going to pull out in front of this other car I yell "Stop the car!" Well he stopped but right after that I was pissed. I questioned him immediately "what you didnt see that fucking guy coming?!" and "did you even fucking look?!" Then he said something about everyone makes mistakes and then he point out my car accident and that made me even more pissed and I got defensive. I said "Yeah I got in one but I wasnt being dumbass pulling out in front of a moving car!" Then we were both quiet and I felt bad because I was being an asshole. I have this reaction where I confront people with anger. I can go from 0-100 on any person depending on the day and situation. It makes me mad when I see someone do something that I do not understand or I see them not consider what they are doing fully and create problems. I judge as stupid and them being dumb. In my head Ill think "what a fucking idiot, such a stupid mother fucker rushed into it without even looking at it first and now blah blah blah" So I see something the other person doesnt see and I think I am right and therefore I can say something about this and this other person is just an idiot! lol. I never try to approach with understanding and consideration. Theres also the point of how I do feel that I tried to understand and consider but then blaming the person as being stubborn and hardheaded because of how I keep pointing out to the person the same thing over and over and I get to the point where I say fuck this. I am not going to be nice and try to consider anymore. So then I think that I have to go hard and be a dick and jump all over someones case so I can finally get through to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when seeing someone make a mistake or an error.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I see something that they dont see, that I am right and they are wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid being fed up by trying to understand and consider by 'jumping all over someones case' or being a 'confrontational dick'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone as stupid and a dumbass out of anger,being impatient and honestly selfishness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no other course of action to handle these situations.

I commit myself to, when and as I react in anger towards another person because I see something they dont and I judge them as being stupid and I want to jump all over their case, I stop and I breathe. I step back from my reaction and I realize that me fueling anger into these situations is not helping and also that I am not perfect myself and the we all do in fact make mistakes.
I commit myself to stand as this anger that arises within me in the moment when I look as someone and see something they dont and I react in anger and then in judgement and to embrace it and not be seperate to it. To realize that this anger must be faced and transcended.
I commit myself not to judge myself as an asshole but simply to notice this part of myself and that it needs to be changed. Nothing more and nothing less.

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Joseph Stein
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Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 22 Apr 2017, 02:30

Okay so I watched two very cool and supportive videos. Or 1 video and a chat you guys did. The video is dealing with difficult people done by Garb and Michelle and the chat is viewtopic.php?f=152&t=8072 . I see how when I was in the car with M I was trying to voice myself but instead I was in defensive mode and I had to prove my point for selfish reasons so I can feel victory in the conversation. So I was trying to voice myself but I endded up standing up for myself lol. I see how it wasnt to point out to M something I think needs some awareness brought to. It wasnt to assist and support him. I see that I did it for my own reasons so I could be right and not wrong. I came from a mode of want to attack and also blame because I know if I am angry something is wrong and I am not being self honest with myself because I am trying to blame another for how I feel, which is an illusion. I liked in the chat when Sunette was saying lets test this point of voicing yourself vs standing up for yourself by flag pointing the anger/wanting to defend yourself and saying "whoa whoa I am angry, I need to take a step back and see where I am not self honest. I mean not exactly that way but taking a moment for yourself and applying the tools when your flag point goes off. Now dealing with difficult people was cool because Garb and Michelle pointed out how we ourselves can be difficult people and that was a cool thing so consider. I can say that I am that difficult person at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to win the arguements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speak from blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter a defensive mode where I have to defend my opinion because I cannot be wrong and where I force words/points onto another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this other person is making me feel anger/blame/being in a defensive mode.
I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to take this anger/blame/defensive mode back to myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I feel like I have to say something from the starting point of blaming and being angry and having to defend myself/my point of view, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the anger/blame/defensive mode is false and that self-honesty is required. I realize it has nothing to do with this other person, so I take this anger/blame/defensive back to myself and I clear myself and my starting point.

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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Marlen » 27 Apr 2017, 19:28

Cool for noticing that in you Joseph, I also found that hangout with Michelle and Garb quite supportive, thanks for sharing what you saw within you about it.

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