Joseph's writings

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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 20 May 2014, 21:25

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to impress others at a job by being the one worker whos just really on his A game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my position at a job is more secure if others see how much of a good worker I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work and do a great job from the starting point of seeking positive reinforcement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and have reactions of "is anyone noticing how I am doing my job? is anyone looking at me?".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do my job in such a way that I get compliments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while working look for things that I know others wouldn't do because it would be going out of the way and so I make myself do those things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things that are out of my way and feel like doing those things are burdens but I do them anyway because I think " I have to show everyone how committed I am at doing an outstanding job".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse this behavior of doing a good job for others to see with me being within breath and being responsible and simply doing things because it is my job and its what needs to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to notice in these moments where I confuse my starting point of doing a good job for others to see so I can feel more secure about my position with me being in breath and being responsible and simply doing this because it is my job and its what needs to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as if I am not seeking any compliments or positive reinforcement and that I get compliments and positive reinforcement simply because I am doing my job the way it needs to be done and that I am being responsible about it and being in breath and doing what needs to be done in the moment and so it is just an outflow and perk of sticking to the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty and the 4 count breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and good about myself when someone says "Great job Joe" or when my boss pulls me aside and tells me "Youre one of our top workers here Joe".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think "Ahhh all that hard work paid off and I got the boss' attention".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on the compliments when I see that my hard work has been noticed and so "worth it" by coming home and telling my dad and my brother and others members of my family about it and thinking and feeling happy about the whole thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to impress my dad and my brother by coming home and telling them that the boss noticed my hard work and told me I am one of the top workers there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to be just like my dad and my brother because of the stories Ive heard from my brother coming home and telling my dad and I about how much the bosses like him and him being happy about it and the stories from my father being a hard worker and telling my brother and I that "You guys have to do a good job to impress the bosses and then youll move up faster and do things that others wouldn't do so you two can get on their good side".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if "I cant wait to go home and tell Dale and Mario( my dad and brother)about how much the bosses like me so they both can be proud of me and feel good about his son and his brother".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in my head how it will all play out and how I will tell them both and how happy and how much excitement there will
be.



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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 21 May 2014, 13:28

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to my boss when they come to me and ask me to do something without me considering any dimensions around the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to say no to my boss because I think and feel that they will look down on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that my worth and value will go down if I say no to my boss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel bad about saying no because I think to myself "Man I let boss down and now he sees me as unreliable and that I don't really care about this place or the job".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes without considering any dimensions of the task because I want to avoid this uncomfortable feeling and experience of being "less than" and feeling bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not actually knowing how to say no when my boss comes and asks me to do a task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot say no without being an asshole and without being seen as an asshole to my boss or without my boss getting upset.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things will go badly and that my boss will start arguing with me if I say no.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will start screaming and lose control if an argument breaks out between my boss and I.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in my mind that I am screaming at my boss saying "Fuck you!! and Fuck this!!! Youre supposed to do that/someone else was supposed to do that!! Go fuck yourself!!!"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in mind my boss screaming back at me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desperately want to avoid that shaking feeling and my heart pounding and like my throat is choking and like I am about to cry because I just cant take theses emotions.



Marlen
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Marlen » 21 May 2014, 15:32

Cool Joseph

One point would be to first see what it is that your contract stipulates in relation to 'what you have to do' and if that involves doing what your boss asks you to do which you then dwell upon in your mind on whether doing it or not in an unnecessary manner if you know beforehand you have to do it. And even so if it wasn't in the contract but you realize that it is a task that you simply have to do because it's part of your job in that place then there's not much of an option either if you see that saying 'No' would be simply not sticking to the agreement you have at work.

I see that the escalation of emotions in your mind in these hypothetical situation of 'saying No' is rather extensive, so I suggest then looking at what is this anger really about: is it about the task in itself you're being asked to do? Is it a general anger toward work itself, toward the boss as in something personal? What else is there that you are using as an excuse to generate this anger to such an extent? Have you actually acted out these emotions?

See, nowadays with all the uncertainty of being able to have a job and human beings becoming replaceable at work, I suggest to then not jeopardize your situation at work because of these moments wherein you are the one reacting and making a big deal out of having to do something. Of course if it is truly something that is another's job, then you could in all stability and in a calmed manner explain why that job is someone else's - however in this depending on the person/the job position and so forth, you can risk your own job. So that's where you have to decide: will I continue to do things for others even if I know that is not part of my job but I do so to keep my job or will I simply refuse to do things that are out of my job contract and can get a job somewhere else, ensuring that I am not escaping only because of MY emotional experience but because there is a continuous point of abuse?

So, here's where you have to really ponder the actuality of reality and how much it is actually 'blown out of proportion' by you in your mind and your emotional participation.


Second point is then walking the self-corrective statements and commitments to the self-forgiveness you've walked here. It's now very clear how you are creating the massive polarity there at work with the positive reinforcements and then going into the absolute opposite toward the same people that would praise you - so all in all it is certainly a fuckup to have to be jumping from positive to negative, so this is a cool opportunity to stabilize yourself, to not get 'high' on positive reinforcement or to the extreme of anger and getting emotional when you are asked to do something else.

Suggestion is then to take into consideration then physical reality practicality instead of making any abrupt and uninformed decisions about your job based on 'how you FEEL about it' as that will always compromise you no matter which job you are or with whom.

Thanks for sharing



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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 26 May 2014, 13:56

I have been holding off on this point again. I noticed this and felt bad about it because I felt like I am wasting time. I thought about the world and the people suffering. I brought myself to watch some Bernard Poolman interviews and it really helped me but I also watched this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTfuHrdRNRE ( system demon- fear of change) I found it really cool. I noticed that I have been embarrassed about this point because I think of it as childish. Then in the video it says that the embarrassment is really about fear of loss and fear of change. Its interesting that I fear changing this point about my job and that I fear losing this point because its like I am protecting something that is clearly not supportive to myself.

So I will continue with where I left off and write down some self-commitment statements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to impress others at a job by being the one worker whos just really on his A game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my position at a job is more secure if others see how much of a good worker I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work and do a great job from the starting point of seeking positive reinforcement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and have reactions of "is anyone noticing how I am doing my job? is anyone looking at me?".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do my job in such a way that I get compliments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while working look for things that I know others wouldn't do because it would be going out of the way and so I make myself do those things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things that are out of my way and feel like doing those things are burdens but I do them anyway because I think " I have to show everyone how committed I am at doing an outstanding job".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse this behavior of doing a good job for others to see with me being within breath and being responsible and simply doing things because it is my job and its what needs to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to notice in these moments where I confuse my starting point of doing a good job for others to see so I can feel more secure about my position with me being in breath and being responsible and simply doing this because it is my job and its what needs to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as if I am not seeking any compliments or positive reinforcement and that I get compliments and positive reinforcement simply because I am doing my job the way it needs to be done and that I am being responsible about it and being in breath and doing what needs to be done in the moment and so it is just an outflow and perk of sticking to the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty and the 4 count breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and good about myself when someone says "Great job Joe" or when my boss pulls me aside and tells me "Youre one of our top workers here Joe".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think "Ahhh all that hard work paid off and I got the boss' attention".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on the compliments when I see that my hard work has been noticed and so "worth it" by coming home and telling my dad and my brother and others members of my family about it and thinking and feeling happy about the whole thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to impress my dad and my brother by coming home and telling them that the boss noticed my hard work and told me I am one of the top workers there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to be just like my dad and my brother because of the stories Ive heard from my brother coming home and telling my dad and I about how much the bosses like him and him being happy about it and the stories from my father being a hard worker and telling my brother and I that "You guys have to do a good job to impress the bosses and then youll move up faster and do things that others wouldn't do so you two can get on their good side".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if "I cant wait to go home and tell Dale and Mario( my dad and brother)about how much the bosses like me so they both can be proud of me and feel good about his son and his brother".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in my head how it will all play out and how I will tell them both and how happy and how much excitement there will
be.


I commit myself to when and as I work for positive reinforcement, I stop and breathe - I realize that when I work for positive reinforcement I am not actually working for myself but for others and also an image in my head of what I would like people to see me as.
I commit myself to stop my participation in the thinking of how others see me by bringing myself back to the task that I am doing.
I commit myself to work and do my job for myself so that I can support myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to my boss when they come to me and ask me to do something without me considering any dimensions around the task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to say no to my boss because I think and feel that they will look down on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that my worth and value will go down if I say no to my boss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel bad about saying no because I think to myself "Man I let boss down and now he sees me as unreliable and that I don't really care about this place or the job".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes without considering any dimensions of the task because I want to avoid this uncomfortable feeling and experience of being "less than" and feeling bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not actually knowing how to say no when my boss comes and asks me to do a task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot say no without being an asshole and without being seen as an asshole to my boss or without my boss getting upset.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that things will go badly and that my boss will start arguing with me if I say no.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I will start screaming and lose control if an argument breaks out between my boss and I.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in my mind that I am screaming at my boss saying "Fuck you!! and Fuck this!!! Youre supposed to do that/someone else was supposed to do that!! Go fuck yourself!!!"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture in mind my boss screaming back at me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desperately want to avoid that shaking feeling and my heart pounding and like my throat is choking and like I am about to cry because I just cant take theses emotions.
I commit myself to when and as my boss comes up to me and asks me to do something that someone else should have done and I picture an arguement breaking out between us, I stop and breathe - I realize that by participating in these thoughts and pictures doesnt let me approach the situation with common sense and comfortability where I can consider an alternative way to handle the situation because I am listening to my mind.
I commit myself to ask myself these questions when my boss asks my to do something that someone else should have done "Does this task really need to be done in this moment? If I dont do this task will it affect my resonsibilities at the job? If I do this task will it help me in the long run? If I dont do this task will it jeprodize my position at the job? Is this task something I really need to do? ect."
I commit myself to assess the sitaution on a moment to moment basis and trust my judgement that I make.



Marlen
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Marlen » 26 May 2014, 16:02

Cool, Joseph

Thanks for sharing that and also the note about fear of change.



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Joseph Stein
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Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 26 Feb 2017, 22:26

Hey everyone. Ive decided to support myself so here I am on the forum. Im just going to get right into it. This is the SF i have been doing for about 2 weeks now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go in reactions when M was helping me put up the TV in the room.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get mad at M and for arguing with M.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to listen to M's advice about hanging the TV.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for delaying the task at hand.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to breathe through the anger and reactions and continue working on what M and I were doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that smoking weed can stop SF and basically the process to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how I lost my job and how I dont have one and how I havent been looking for one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in a self defeating way where I just want to crumble and give up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having become dependent on B for my happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting to do anything without B.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being able to move and direct myself because of me becoming dependent on B.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reactions of fear when I have to do things myself and when I know B wont come with me and when she wont be there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go in reactions of being unloved and thus feeling depressed and then start to feel as if nothing matters and as if I dont care about anything at all so then I start thinking maybe I should just die or commit suicide.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling and thinking that when I am in this state that theres nothing I can do to snap myself out of it and that my emotions have the best of me and I will act with disregard and no consideration and in alignment with my thoughts and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a feeling of warmth and happiness when I see B.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if B is going to save me from my troubles and is going to make everything better and that I can now relax and forget about all my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out intimacy in another person for myself because I have no into-me-I-see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not investing the time and movement so I can develop into-me-I-see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely/unloved/unappreciated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and point and blame others and hold them responsible for the way I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being angry at my former highschool friends when I found out that they thought I had went crazy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as if it didnt affect me if i had no friends and to tell myself to remain strong that I dont need them and to think " Fuck those guys".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for crying about feeling lonely/unloved/unappreciated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding off on SF when I have the opportunity to direct myself and write the SF required.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared when my heart starts to beat fast.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that its okay to fear death because its going to happen anyway.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for realizing that I dont have to fear something just because that will happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like that color green.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose my train of thought and my place within saying and writing my SF lines.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being scared to get another job because of the thoughts in my head telling me that I wont make it there.(at a new job)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to get to complicated with my SF lines.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for playing scenarios in my head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting angry when I can hear my neighbors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking I was a cry baby when I was a little boy.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to keep it simple and small and to make it as small as I need to so that I can take real steps.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my hand writing is sloppy and somehow bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I made a mistake for doing the previous SF on my hand writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to rush and get ahead with my SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this gorilla picture in front of me and say that its stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to distract my awareness/and place in a moment/during SF with crazy, irrelevant thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing if someone saw me doing SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I would be embarrassed if I was seen doing SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that SF is tedious and complicated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being tired of doing SF during this session.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having thought that I should quit doing SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking SF is boring.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the gorilla looks stupid because the company drew it wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look behind me/over my shoulder when I dont know what I should apply SF to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be intimidated to come back on the forums and support/share myself to everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that im going to quit again shortly after I start.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling like all eyes are on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for becoming emotional about this topic.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself this backchat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know that this is backchat but do not understand the backchat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself and assume/pretend/act like I understand the backchat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i am an idiot.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to type out all of this SF on the forums.



Marlen
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Marlen » 02 Mar 2017, 18:12

Cool that you walked through your resistance or idea of 'pointlessness' about self-forgiveness and came to share it in the forum, Joseph and glad to see you back around here too

Keep on writing and sharing!



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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 11 Mar 2017, 23:05

just an update where i am. I had to move out of my place in a hurry, my gf moved away, and my cat was acting extremely aggressive. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. That whole day I was a trainwreck lol. I wanted to collapse every moment and give up. I would start becoming emotional and thinking about everything I am going through but I would get back up and start moving forward. over the last 3 years ive been getting my ass kicked from life and i am tired of fighting for my way. Im at the point where my excuses have run out and my even my mind cant come up with anything. There would be nothing to do and I would walk around and try to find things to do but everything was silent and all that was remaining is me knowing that I have to do SF and apply myself if I want to heal myself and how i experience for myself. I would be all down and depressed but I started looking at everything that was happening and asking "what does all of this say about me?" like how i am experiencing myself in relation to the events.

This has been over the past week or so.


Today I woke up and I started going into reactions because I didnt do SF. So I woke up, put on clothes and went to the living room. I started getting ready to play the xbox and thats when I thought "the first thing you should do when you wake up is SF". After that I started thinking "but thats a thought" and then "well I should do SF first thing when I wake up" which lead to " i dont feel like doing SF". So at this point Im starting to judge myself because I didnt do SF and that means im bad, I cant change/I wont change, Im weak/Im not strong enough, Im worthless. Now Ill be busy in my head all day. I want to say this is a trap I put in place for myself to keep myself stuck. I get in these streams of reactive thoughts and I get completely lost. Im constantly in my head going back and forth. I start to feel like its to much and like my mind is going to explode. Then I stop and try to forget about it all because it was such a mess and I seem so fucked up and I just get tired of the back and forth that goes on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the first thing i should do when I wake up is SF.



And now some in the moment SF. I call it ITM

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when I see my cat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when my cat does something that I do not like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how I shouldve been doing SF.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to write SF/speak SF without there being any attachments to thoughts/feelings/emotions/ideas/judgements and any energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and feel that SF is boring and slow and that I have something more fun I could be doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do SF when I am stable and after everything is all said and done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and seem like I know and understand alot about desteni so that I can impress everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to impress others because I want to be special and looked upon as someone whos strong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come up and think for reasons I should stop doing SF in this session.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat a person in a bad way purposely because they remind me of someone I am really reactive towards with anger and hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go and talk about how I am feeling so I can release some stress and continue the cycle, without really resolving anything.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to make SF and process my second nature or better yet my human nature that directs me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting in anger and confusion when someone does something that I do not understand.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to sit back with no reactions and come from the point of trying to understand and work together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge someone as being "stupid" or unintelligent when they do something that I do not understand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to argue with people so that I can prove to them and others that I am smart and great and I can impress everyone and make myself look good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate the conversation and the other persons words and use that to my advantage for self-interest reasons to glorify myself and prove that I am right in the argument.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for only wanting to do SF and breathe when I am stable and when it is easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold off on SF and brushing it off as nothing that needs my investigation and application of SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous/scared/embarrassed to share my SF on the forums and really show what I have been accepting and allowing in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as an asshole.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have to be an asshole because someone will come and take advantage of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scared of other destonians and how they might view me because of my inconsistancy in process and because how Ive always had a level of fakeness when sharing on the forums.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and act off of in my life that I always have to present myself with perfection or in a good, impressive way so that I stand out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being in defensive stance and always trying to protect my secret mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how much I cant wait to get off this computer and and finish typing my SF from my journal to the computer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up this hype around almost being done typing my SF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how I cant wait to do something else.



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Joseph Stein
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Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 12 Mar 2017, 05:56

MY CAT BABY

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed with the situation with my cat. I was moving everything in a hurry out of my place because I was moving out. I only had the moving truck for a set amount of time. So it was crunch time. My cat kept getting in the way so I threw her in the bathroom so she wouldnt get in the way or get stepped on. So all day long there was loud noises and it was really windy that day. The screen door kept slamming against the house. So we got the last load to take to my parents house and before we left I tried looking for her but got out of the bathroom and I couldnt find her anywhere. I tried looking in all the hiding spots and nowhere to be found. So we left to take the last load. Now when I came back to clean the house I just moved out of I found her out in the back porch/back hallway and she came running in. After a short time she jumped up in the roof and I went to get her and she hissed at me but it was nothing serious so I figured ill just let her come down herself. So I finished cleaning and I realized she was still up there. I went to get her and the fucking scream/growl she let out scared the fuck out of me. Ive never heard her or any cat sound like that. Not anything near that. I knew something was very wrong. I promise whoever is reading this that cats are dangerous animals that can be a real handful.
Some interactions happened, I got her down from the roof by directing her to a general direction with a mop. She came down ran to the top of the fridge and took a shit. I couldnt even approach her. Honestly I didnt want to because I was very scared she was going to attack me. I started crying and I broke down. All I could think about was how my GF just left me, how I had to move out of my home due to money and how my cat is acting extremely aggressive by what seemed like a flip of a switch. My mind was going crazy. I would start breathing then Id break down again and I did this about 5 times. I kept thkning that im going to have to put her down and I would start crying because thats my friend and I love her so much I want to help her but I dont know what happened. It toook me, my brother and my sister to get her in a carrier. She shit all over the cover I used to grab her and all over my leg. I was really a wreck at that point. I could barely look at her, I didnt want to hear her go psycho in the carrier, I couldnt even grab the carrier I was so scared. I took her to an emergency animal clinic to see if they could tell me anything. The guy basically told me that cats are sensitive to their environments and then charged me 90$ without even looking at her. Why am I writing this? I supposed to walk through the reactions and also for advice. My cat is doing better but she isnt that same and it really breaks my heart. I have reactions like how long can I keep trying to bring her back with a house full of loud people, a house full of cats and dogs. I am scared that she will seriously hurt someone. I am scared I cannot bring my loving friend back. I am scared Ill have to put her down and never find out what happened to her that day. I am scared of regret and making the wrong choice. I am scared that I will not be able to be strong enough and stable enough an patient enough for the both of us.

I took her to another vet to make sure she isnt in any pain or isnt pregnant or anything like that. I keep her in a tiny closet with her kitty box and food and a scratching post. Only I can move freely around her. Anyone else and she gets really weird like shes overwhelmed and doesnt know what to do. She starts making angry noises and I have to grab her and put her back in the closet. I dont even know where to start with my SF on this. Writing and thinking about this is giving me a headache. Ive had this ringing in my head fir about 2 weeks now that wont go away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have authority over my cat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the alpha and that is how my cats sees me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living with regret about decisions and interactions Ive had with my cat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the realization that I may not be able to save my friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stuck with fear and overwhelmed when I consider putting her down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will never pin point the exact thing that triggered her aggressive behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling helpless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my cat because of everything I have done for her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so overwhelmed that I end up having reactions of anger and not caring what happens to the cat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting angry and mad at my family when they suggest things about my cat that I do not like or think that it wouldnt work.



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Joseph Stein
Posts: 98
Joined: 16 Sep 2011, 08:41

Re: Joseph's writings

Postby Joseph Stein » 29 Mar 2017, 03:08

Hey everyone here again. I havent been applying myself lately. Every time I notice something within me and I know I should apply myself right there and then. I dont. I ignore it and move myself in a distraction such as a game or music or scroll past it on facebook. Ill see a post thats related to what im going through ill scroll past it like it doesnt even exist. ill completely disregard my self-honesty and deliberately do something else so I can forget about it and not have to face that part of myself. Im so full of it lol that I dont even want to face the tiniest parts of myself. Ive been using excuses like "im to tired" or "im to sad", "im to fucked up", "ehhh ill do it later......" thats the best one, when i dont feel like doing it, which is all the time. Throughout my day when Im in auto mode Ill notice that Ill see an interaction or someone says something Ill think about how it would be if I was self-honest to the max and I pointed out abuse to the person(s). I think about how I wouldnt be friends with them anymore or how I would lose that part of myself, how I could be seen as too extreme or for being a buzz killer. I am fearful to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately shift my attention to anything other than the self honest point and to use that as an escape so that I dont have to face that point/dont have to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view and approach self honesty as a losing a part of myself and going into fearful reactions about what/who I would lose or have to give up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that if I stand in self honesty then my friends will leave me and my family will hate me.

I commit myself to, when and as I disregard my self honesty and I shift my attention on a distraction to escape my self honesty, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by ignoring my self honesty I am creating no self trust with ME and I am playing ego games with myself that is limiting myself and is causing ME to have a very unpleasant experience within myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I picture how my life will be and things I would lose and how others would perceive me if I was self honest and I have a fear-of-loss reaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my ego is losing something and that since I believe I am my ego that I am losing something, so its all a mind game and I know its to stop me from building any kind of intimacy /self trust with myself.




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