The "Beautiful", Conditional Love of a Mother.
My mom used to take me and my sister-in-law out to lunch every Friday. Since I shaved my head, on Oct.1st, a little over a month ago, she has not invited me. She just called me a few minutes ago, and said she was worried to depression about me. She thought I had flipped out, "gone off the deep end". She said she had wanted to call earlier, but was too afraid.
I told her that I am quite good, in fact, better than before, and that I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been since I was a small child. I tried to explain to her (again) why I shaved my head, how the week before I shaved it, I wasn't comfortable wearing jewelry, or makeup. I told her how, even though I wore bangs to please others (including her), the hair in my face annoyed me, and I would end up pulling my bangs back in a barret. I had gotten to a point where I was tired of "fixing myself" whenever I would go out in public, how I was sick of allowing myself to be dependent on how other's judged me. I was sick of trying so hard to perfect my appearence to fit into this society, be in the contest of beauty. I mentioned the anorexic, air-brushed models all over the stores that little girls look up to as role models, creating this need for them to look perfect, super skinney, perfect skin, make-up, and hair, and how it affects the self esteem of those girls who can't seem to reach that sort of fake perfection. I reminded her of how those models had affected my own esteem, causing me to spend a lot of money on hair extensions, and suffer through great pain with nose surgury, and breast implants to "improve" myself.
She sort of understood, but not really. She said if it has made me happy then that drastic change is ok, but she was still trying to convince me to grow it out. She told me to wear a headband if I don't like my hair in my face. I told her that it is uncomfortable, and when I did wear a headband, it made me look pretty, but it hurt my head, and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as I got home. I told her I am about comfort, not what others think about me, because I have no control of that anyway, and it doesn't matter.
My mom has been getting all the "normal" fillers in her face to hide scars and wrinkles, and to fill her lips. So I don't expect her to agree with me, as that would only expose her own issues on appearance. When I had asked her if she was too embarrassed to be seen with me in public she said "yes" she was, "because I don't support it". That is what she said, she doesn't support me going to those drastic extremes of me shaving my head. Yet here I am, not supporting the whole lip injection, wrinkle-filler, hair-dying, make-up, "trying to impress" thing, but am still willing to be seen with her.
So as it is not really that important to go to lunch with my mom, it is a waist of money, I don't really care. I just wish she would open up her mind, and stop allowing herself to be controlled by fear. I think if I had no choice of losing my hair, from cancer treatment, then she might be more comfortable because she would at least have an "acceptable" explanation as to why her daughter has a shaved head. Then she wouldn't have to worry about other people judging her or her daughter. In fact, she would probably just buy me a wig, so she wouldn't even have to deal with any kind of embarrassment.
So what I am allowing to bother me the most is how she said she will not be seen with me in public because she does not support me with my shaved head. I am feeling like my appearance is of utmost importance to my mom. How others judge us based on appearance is what is important to her. In fact, I am taking this as, because I don't look "normal", a I am not allowed to be seen with her. She asked me what is wrong with "normal", I told her nothing is "wrong", but I am not "normal". She will just have to get used to that! Lol! So she is either attempting to "punish" me in an attempt to make me grow my hair back, or she is just embarrassed. Well she did agree to the embarrassed part so I guess it is both.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bothered and a little angry with my mom for saying she does not support me, and therefore will not be seen in public with me, for shaving my head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset with my mom attempting to control me by not being seen with me in public with a shaved head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my mom's love for me is conditional, to me being "normal".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want so badly for my mom to accepct me as who I am, and where I stand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self get frustrated with my mom's close-mindedness, and her dependance on other's apporval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated with my mom for allowing herself to be controlled by fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of losing my mom forever, because she is so dependent on outward appearance, and other's approval.
I love myself for me. I have been able to accept me, without looking "normal". I have no control over my mom's desire to accept me for me. I do not need anyone else to accept me. I do not depend on anyone elses approvel, for that is only judgement of the mind, and entrapment. I cannot make my mom open her mind to see as I see. I cannot end my mom's dedendency on other's approval. I have no place in deciding if my mom will exist as life. I cannot chose for my mom. I will remember and/or look back to these words of self forgiveness when and if I have any problems with the need to be accepted by my mom or anyone.
And I can say, that it definateely IS getting so much easier, working through these writings and living my self forgiveness!