Fear

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Ambroz
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Re: Fear

Postby Ambroz » 17 Jan 2012, 21:07

Yesterday before i got home i saw this man selling stuff in middle of the street and i said to myself im gonna buy something for myself when i'll go back to school i wished that for myself. So as i went back to school i checked his africa trinckts out some figurines and neclases bow and arrows. He asked what would you like? I said give me that elephant he said ok here that will be 10€. Well at first glance i thought thats alot of money for a figurine before i even had a time to say will you give me back 10€ since i gave him 20€ he allready gave me another figurine this time a turtle saying: here take this. So as i am really slow and manuipulative i thought o how nice 2 figurines for 10€. And than i said so give me my 10€ back and he said 2 figurines 20€. I thought ok since everything is going to end because people here are so 2012 end of the world wtf (yea keep thinking like that and you'll se how pointless your belief in future is i mean all those fortunetelles could be happy they are wrong cause if all were right than they'd go out of bussiness cause would be no point in telling ooh now this is going to happen so cool close the stall nothing more to see we allready know it ...so ther is the catch right there) why not making his life a little easyer i said ok 2 figurines for 20€, I'll just had to spare my money from somewhere else i want to see the world abit before the end of the worl:D. I said thanks man and as I was going away he said wait here have another turtle, i said man I'm in a hurry to school and really thanks man i just wanted 1 and now i have 2, he said no keep it. So i got 3 figurines for 20€ and had only 1 wish for 1 figurine. I thought really smart but atleast he looked happy.



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kim amourette
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Re: Fear

Postby kim amourette » 18 Jan 2012, 00:21

Hey Ambroz,

I forgive myself of not letting myself to give myself a chance of seing loosing something and instead interventing and trying not to loose and thus brought me to that exact thing which i feared most of happening.
I forgive myself of not giving myself a chance of letting go of the controll of something that i desired, more i desired to controll that desire more desire controlled me.


Than in highschool same thing fell for a girl talked to her she was not fond was really pushing her nerves she didn't liked me but i just couldn't stop i called her not kowing how to tell her how i feel so i thought of what kind of things should i tell her so she would like me, tohugh at the same time i knew exactly that i had nothing to do with her likeing me it just comes you cant decide for what you like it can only come by itself when you push yourself into thinking that this is it this is what i want this will make me happy. So i did something stupid and asked her out she barely agreed and i was such a stupid git at that time so i got drunk a little and ust talked crap out myself really disasterous, even the place was a terrible pick. So when she couldn't bare me anymore she went out and i went with her, than i just like spat out i love you ofcoarse she looked down and than i saw what a prick i really am no manners what so ever no experience at all i don't know nothing of love and yel i deluded myself till that that time that if you say those words it does the trick... yea right. So after that i just forgot whole thing try not to embaress myself further.

I forgive myself to not have allowed myself to talk the truth and seek other paths to the thing that i wanted with lieing.
I forgive myself to have allowed myself to be inpatient.


I second year i went to skitour and there she was another really kind. S i started flirting with her and really not give mychance to know her so again i fell in love with fast she was hitting on me too i think so was all excited but i didn't really knew she allready had a boyfrined. And agin i let the illusion to take me on i was so pissed at her for warming me up fo her, though all allong it was my fault. I even wrote her a sms don't fuck with love so that love won't fuck with you. This is how retarded i am. Not knowing that the same thing was happenig to me all along...

I forgive myself to not realise what am i getting into, and thus compromising myself to judgement and let guilt to owertake to such an extent to try to find the reasons in other people not myself.

I became more introverted and trying to figuremyself out what the hell is that im doing wrong all the time... Than i made friend with girl on irc chat she was ok, so we tlaked than i got to know her in real life, and i decidet not to rush things so time passed and i got to know her friend and the new friend just lost her boyfriend because he cheated on her. So i started to hang out with her and really took it slow and than i just like stopped caring it wasn't what i wanted. Scratch the suface don't go deep cause it will only confuse me more i said to myself...

I forgive myself to have allowed myself to think that person that i meet is not worthy of my company.
I forgive myself to have allowed myself to htink that i am not worthy of someones company.

I joined skitour with school and started to look after a cool girl so i started to try hang out with her. Now i really took things slow. Took me about a month of chatting, sms than we finally started walking evrything was so ok. Too bad it lasted only 4 days I don't know how was i able to broke out with her i thought i saw some doupt in her that its going to work but was really me that doupted so we decided to split up. I felt no guilt she probably didn't too be cause she got herself an new guy in next days. I did think of her later on and thought what a tard i am for letting her go because of little tiny doupt.

I forgive myself to have allowed myself fo emotions from the past create guilt in me.
I forgive myself to feel embaresed for all that i have just wrote.

what i notice here in your self forgiveness statements is that you don't really go into what you experience and apply self forgiveness on all the aspects, as the thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires that you experienced and still experience.
Remember that self forgiveness is not a 'magic wand' where you just speak a few words and expect things to solve themselves - you have to really go into detail of looking within yourself and unconditionally applying self forgiveness on everything that comes up within yourself.

to apply unconditionally means not to think about what you're going to write/say within the belief that you already know the outcome - but to allow yourself to write/speak self forgiveness in the moment as it comes up about the ideas, beliefs, desires, etc... that you see within you.

Than in highschool same thing fell for a girl talked to her she was not fond was really pushing her nerves she didn't liked me but i just couldn't stop i called her not kowing how to tell her how i feel so i thought of what kind of things should i tell her so she would like me, tohugh at the same time i knew exactly that i had nothing to do with her likeing me it just comes you cant decide for what you like it can only come by itself when you push yourself into thinking that this is it this is what i want this will make me happy. So i did something stupid and asked her out she barely agreed and i was such a stupid git at that time so i got drunk a little and ust talked crap out myself really disasterous, even the place was a terrible pick. So when she couldn't bare me anymore she went out and i went with her, than i just like spat out i love you ofcoarse she looked down and than i saw what a prick i really am no manners what so ever no experience at all i don't know nothing of love and yel i deluded myself till that that time that if you say those words it does the trick... yea right. So after that i just forgot whole thing try not to embaress myself further.
for instance here you judge yourself when looking back on your past - so you could apply self forgiveness on this, within specificity, also investigating the underlying desire towards another that cause you to judge yourself and apply sf of that as well.

If we don't apply sf in specificity on our inner experiences, nothing will ever change - we have to live the change and move/direct ourselves to change by applying self forgiveness in specificity.

cheers, Kim



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Anna
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Re: Fear

Postby Anna » 18 Jan 2012, 00:40

Cool support here Kim - thanks.



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Ambroz
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Re: Fear

Postby Ambroz » 18 Jan 2012, 21:07

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself stupid as a justification of the feeling that I experienced of beeing uniteresting to the grirl that i wanted to impress.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted experiencing myself as a stupid git when I retrospec into the past for the negative emotions that i have experienced due to beeing unaccepted by the girl that i loved.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when i failed to realize that i was not interested to her.

Now i recall one more memory from the past. I was in classroom and school mate and i went into this wordfight than she said something that guys are stronger nad that are better than girls or something i don't really remeber. At that time I don't know what it was and i pushed away from me. I felt anger towards her and judged her because I saw myself as I am one of those guys and i really didn't like to be judged/corected like in a way I like the way I am. She said That i'll never find a girl that would trully like me. Well i guess i must admit i am picky too and i do put beautyfull/ugly judgements on girls sometimes. In that anger I recall beliveing her that statement that she said.

I forgive myself to have accepted allowed myself to judged her as lessworthy because she judged girls beeing weaker than guys and worse than guys.
I forgivemyself to have accept and allowed myself to belive her statement that girls are weaker than guys and thus i pushed her away from me giving blame to her and not realizeing i was to blame since i reacted in an angry way.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger against belief/judgement that i have created in my mind towards that girl.
I frogive myself to have allowed and accpet the experience of despair after the reaction of anger.

And there is another thing that is been on my chest, all the time when I was in school I wanted to stand out like i know how this or how that works. I remeber that at math I usually saw the point of where the course was going so i liked to fill in the teachers statements before she could finish them. Sometimes I was right sometimes wrong.
Well most of the cases I was wrong. So I wanted to be something morethan just me and i dwelled in the head not knowing that it wasnt me it was just mind that had me occupied and i wasn't really living here ( well than there). At numerous times i was like absent from class though i was there but i didn't hear what teacher was saying.
So as i lived my life in totaly screwing myself thiking i can enjoy this live and just letting myself into these "excited emotional states" i had allways thought where is the feed back and it came when i got bullied and been made fun of.

I forgive myslef that i have allowed myself to experience excitement when i was right at something that I saw for myself how it works or stands as a law that was made by human judgement.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i didn't corectly understand and uncorectly experss something for the first time.
I forgive myslef that have accepted and allowed myself to feel special in a way better than others when i was right at something.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself less than others when i was wrong at something.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to be in the mind judging and constructing believes instead of beeing here breathing.
I forgive myslef to have allowed and accept belive that there is any worth in knowing something more than others and that that knowing made me more valuable than others.

When i get to know the portal on youtube and i saw this video i dont know exactly wich one it was but it said something about the one that would change things i felt excitemen as i was the one that is going to change them, at the same time i saw how sick that was because i saw again seperation as that one that is going to change things is still the same as anyonther human or subject or anything basically because we only as long our gadgeds eyes work we only hear as long our ears work so basically without eyes im blind to the reality that eyes can precive thus my eyes are equal to me as anything else outside of me because everything that my eyes see would be useless if my eyes worked and ther would be nothing to see with them so I as me as self am equal to this body wich is an expression of self an expression of mind wich made me since the world i see is the expression of me and the world others see i am an expression of them thus we are all equal all the time and the only seperation that exists is in the mind of individual thinking and not brething, not beeing here, I this the point? Anyway than I thought what if they made that video to bring in more vievers since everione wants to mean something to others the starting point of ego like i want you to feel allright about yourself and you want me to feel ok about myself without any judgements, fear, seperation whatsoever, all cooperating together in unity 1+1+1.... thats why we are all one, like in a way i want to make shure you won't do something wrong and you want to make shure i won't do something wrong to consiter everymoment of breath here as one without any regret any worry any care. So if i take care of myself the way you want because only basically i can do that except for those that cant take care of them selves like old people and the sick ones around/close to me excetra and if i know that you take care of yourself. We would all be equall no seperation no fera of somone starting a mass whatever bad it crawls up in peoples minds no more someones that want to be more than others no more justifications for actions that we do because we would be all taken care of... allone alone with eachother.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to experience the exitement behind i am the One expression on that video well i am one but im nothing without another One.
1+1+1+...+n; n=<><><>

Is this one of the things we do to make eachother aware of eachother so that we finally find peace and lightness within ourselves and make this place worth living for generations to come...?
Well anyway i totally support your beLIVEing.
I this right how i understand your message?



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KellyPosey
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Re: Fear

Postby KellyPosey » 19 Jan 2012, 01:00

Cool self investigation Ambroz. The message here is Oneness & Equality, that we're one with and equal to all that is Here and that we need to live within the consideration of that- which is to live in a way that's best for all- as that's the only way to get to exist here in actual 'peace' - which means we must take responsibility for ourselves and what we've created here in every moment. So a cool point to consider is to always take all points 'back to self'- to see how and where self is responsible and to stop all blame and separation.



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Ambroz
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Re: Fear

Postby Ambroz » 19 Jan 2012, 04:12

So my beLIEf is to beLIVE

I had too much school allready and all i wanted is to get out of it but without it I was not within it.
So smartest thing i ever read is a paradox just like any other an irony of a sort, Bernard Pollman: wisdom is knowledge wrapped in bullshit or the other way around idk, its the bullshit that matters because its a part of a cycle just like me. So we are made from earth just like anything else is. And we eat plants, animals, drink water we need walls to be inside the box while outside nature does its bidding, we need warmth so cold does not frezzez us and fresh air to breathe. Air idk what it consists of exactly but oxygen is the thing that plants made for us with the help of the Sun. And we cut those plants down so that some can sell the wood for profit to live theyr happy life, so less fresh air with each tree 1+1+1+... We use trees for burning so that we keep ourselves warm, some go to paper production so that we can write on that paper our patterns, laws, whatever.... We need laws to keep the order, or to justify those that write them, money is a law because we beLIEve in its value, just like don't lie its a law and it doesen't help because we still fear of loosing that wich we hold dear, se we write judgements/future predictions to justify those lies and predict what happens to those that lie not knowing that its ussually the irony that instead of protecting the truth its attacking those that lie. And a lie to me is when as you say someone evaluates something to be worth more than something else like if a gold ring with a diamant on it has more value than a just a gold ring. Just because it looks more doesen't mean it is we only believe it to be more. It is common sence to those that know or have the apparent opportunity to abUSE instead of just use theyr knowledge because they fear they might take a step too less and start loosing theyr value and than they won't be able to suffice themselves with the loss they have created. Like if a boss of a firm gives too much to employers or he drops prices too low he won't get his desired salary that he wished for and never finds the ballance because the more he has the more money he needs to support what he has because of tax or whatever he finds opposing his plan to material possesions that he desires.But in truth his time is running out just like any other ones and because he thinks that his knowledge is worth more than the knowlede of his emloyers forgetting that he needs employers to keep him in his state otherwise he would have to do it alone,...or just get new ones and than "abuse" them pardon my term its not really appropriate but i dont know any other expession. So his belief of opportunistic nature is considering only him and noone else. Its funny because when i was at school for architecture one of the things that was most expresed is that the most expensive thing to pay when building something is manpower not the parts that you need (not forggeting that those parts were also made by man) time pays and plays us all. So it is hard to find a ballance point but the indrusty is only collapsing because everyone of us is stealing a bit here and the so when it piles up there are large sums of money missing and nobody knows...why i wonder well it can't be just one because than they would figure it out immideatly maby all? not a chance either because of polarityes? some those that never had a problem stealing well i don't heve problem stealing intelectual proprety such as words i can't resist them if i hear them i hear them. If only those that steal would not be prosecuted of beeing sued or judged after they told the truth, maby than they would tell it? So they rather wait and keep quiet about it till enough mass that equalizes theyr silence with loud sound of demostrations equals out and things get even, alot of anger on one side and alot of fear on the other and only way to protect that fear is with the trust of the guards that are payed with the same money that was stolen or taken or whatever...Every action has an equal and opposite reaction so simple law and we still test it if its true...maby not maby those that were loud will stay silent and just stop participating in supporting the ones they oppose. This is more of a science fiction to me but that is how i understand. And than we seek blame and we write judgements on pieces of paper how we should behave and on and on....I dont know how to stop others i can only stop myself.
So than there is even manipulation of dna from corn so that there is monopol over it grows only once no offspring some got the juice and the only way to upkeep them selves is keep it for themselves. Maby complicated but it really isn't its just fear doupts, regrets that some may get if they let go of the golden goose...
We use more plants to feed the cattle than us. Cows are the biggest "green house gasses producers" or smth i don't know. We kill theyr babies for theyr milk...Funny that we eat meat when we know they eat plants that we can't eat...Is this the reincarnation cycle??? I this wahat happens to those that fear too much happens to them they end like a twetty bird on some conveyorblet to the grinder and than make sausages out of? im only asking because i don't really know.
I was working in this bar that also served food and it was really sucky to see that 10liters of a dish was just thrown to garbage because the stuff could not be sold in time and it went bitter. And he tryed so hard not to give too much on a platter becasue this are hard times with money and yet those who have it whine that its loosing its value year by year more. And those that have nothing don't even have capability to express theyr situation. Like a competition who will have more shit piled up will be the winner and than die of old age leaving behing a pile of stuff that will have no use of it except for vultures that will pile around the pile...So hard to find balance...
Just like plotonium and other radioctive stuff when its scattered all around the land its ok no worries but when piled up together, and used its a distraction than we dont want it anymore so we dig holes and put it in them and forget that it still radiates and that thing spreads like flue trough the earth in time... it is within nature that if you leave a thing in peace long enough it will try to even out without any extra distubance. Like soil and water if you leave it in peace long enough soil sinks and water atop is free of dirt. I saw this study on how river cleans itsself because of the S shape when you look at the river from atop and if you make a river into straight line it looses the ability to clean itself because it can nolonger whirl in the strainght shape, like it did in an S shape. It looses ability to vortex itsself and no vortex cause no centrifugal forces to pull the dirt out of the water...Same thing in whireing of electricity in tough corners alot of resistance of the current that flows trough, and pipelines same...
Its like without obstacles we become unstoppable and with them we really fuck ourselves...ballance maby? those at top of stairs drop down to middle and ones on bottom get sucked up to middle to because of equality?
I got this really cool friend and he made himself an aquarium with fishes that he feeds. Than he has a pump that pumps out the soiled water into the plant container wich looks like a S shaped pipes lined up together wich are filled with these marbles made out of clay and plans are like just tstuck in the pipes, wich like clean the water and than freh water goes back into aquarium. Really neat stuff he said that he didn't changed water to fishes for half a year and plants grow really no problem at all. Well there is a problem with waht plans you put in to grow because some can kill the fishes due to poisons in the roots of them. Every man makes this at home we'd all be farmers :D
Damn too good to be true. And he also told me of this ecoarchitect that made wonders out of the trash that he didn't discarted. Used old tv screens the big ones with the catode cannon as focusing lenses to heat up this short pipe so hot so that when water comes into contact with the pipe it imideately evaporates and propelles turbine and water is than lead to this 2km of pipeline under the house wich lasted heated for 1 week. Whole house made out of tires filled with earth. If you get water you have electricity and sun must shine...And than air battery, earth battery so much stuff for free and we still stick up to the mainstream. Everyone could take care of themselves if we only somehow idk so many problems... well i hope most of the things are true as i have written them...
What the hell is the use of knowledge if we don't use it and keep it for ourselves and at the same time not satisfied with it seeking new ways to replace this what allready is that we don't allow ourselves to accept. Nature will always find its way back to ballance its just a question if we will. I'm one vote for equal money and equality.
I mean this shit is allready on the net and we still seek is there anything new...it is it allways will be, just i don't understand the point of searching for something better when it is never good enough the way it is and we only fuck with ourselves diging the mind looking like a whirl in the sink that sucks you in only to find same old patterns so simple to understand and i complicate it ower and ower again like a piece of paper that can be folded without any borders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited before writeing this.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to feel urge to write this.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am different from others.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to complicate things in my head and trying to find the resolve to the problem that i am facing and feeling of discomfort about it.
I frogive myslef to haven't allowed and accepted myself to see myslef as a part of of the mess i am living in.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself that i am supporting dishonesty when i try to understand the world i am living in, because understanding will bring me nothing than jusdgements it is the way it is im here now and i have to apply myself now as a breath.



Marlen
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Re: Fear

Postby Marlen » 19 Jan 2012, 09:52

Hi Ambroz

Thanks for sharing, that's some interesting stuff here, you've seen how it is the man-made rules that we have to reform in order to simply make this world function according to giving to each other equal access to what is already here - we don't have to pay anything to the Earth for it, it is only a matter of being a self responsible inhabitant that takes care of the environment and all the beings that are here. That's our duty as mankind, it shouldn't even be a 'choice' but only the way things have to be.

You've also seen how it is within the mind that we simply complicate everything while the answers are quite simple and able to be applied by each one of us if enough common sense is developed within each individual being.

Now, looking at your Self Forgiveness, I suggest you now write about the points you've mentioned there in detail. It's interesting because through writing about the world and how we are existing in the system, you had certain reactions which you took on through Self Forgiveness. However, I suggest you open up each point and write now from the perspective of how you experienced yourself when writing that out

Take these:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited before writing this.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to feel urge to write this.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am different from others.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to complicate things in my head and trying to find the resolve to the problem that i am facing and feeling of discomfort about it.
I frogive myslef to haven't allowed and accepted myself to see myslef as a part of of the mess i am living in.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself that i am supporting dishonesty when i try to understand the world i am living in, because understanding will bring me nothing than jusdgements it is the way it is im here now and i have to apply myself now as a breath.
Break it a part through writing, example: write about why you felt an urge to write this, what exactly made you excited, why you you see yourself as 'different', what is the discomfort you mention about, what is it related to.

We are part of this mess,we have created it so see that Self Forgiveness point of I frogive myslef to haven't allowed and accepted myself to see myslef as a part of of the mess i am living in. which actually contains two typos 'frogive' and 'myslef' which is something that happens when we rush or are not attentive enough when writing. It's a point I am walking as well when writing, yet I suggest you listen to the video 2012: Walking Slowly = Moving Faster which is an overall cool support to write Self Forgiveness. Thus within this statement see how yes, we forgive ourselves for accepting and allowing ourselves to be part of this mess- what is the correction for that? Within writing out about that point we can then see how realizing the reality we've created is only seeing it as 'what it is' and not participating in the judgments that may come up - which is the following point you wrote in your Self Forgiveness.

See how within walking an actual process of Self Correction for this, we direct ourselves to be breathing while actually doing what is required to be done in terms of walking a process of Self-Correction to establish ourselves as the solutions that we see are required in this world. Thus, take a moment for yourself to dig further into those statements. I suggest writing out the points that expand on it and then take the time to write out Self Forgiveness to see what other points open up while doing so.

Thanks for sharing -



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Ambroz
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Re: Fear

Postby Ambroz » 29 Jan 2012, 21:59

The urge because I was eating in this restaurant and I heard on the radio that liar pinochio should pack his bags and leave before monday. And that gave me this idea that I couldn't sleep over it since I laughed my ass out in bed. You probably know what it is. And next day I heard on radio that someone should take a break from internet for 2 days maby I'm just beeing selfishly paranoid but those were the thoughts and that the information was reffered to me. And if I get one more hint of that kind well it will be my fault that I'll just stop.

Just in case: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the information on the radio was reffered to me.
I forgive myslef to have accepted and allowed myself not to take things slowly and thus make spelling mistakes.
I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to be unspecific.

Science fiction

Youtube allowed me to watch alot of stuff for free, alot of time I spent discovering what world is. I wasted much time to try to figure out this phenomenon of "magic". I am a logical man atleast it try to be considering all mistakes I make because I think and thinking means knowing nothing-that is written on a door of the toilet in school. So i believe it. I believe what I hear because I have no reason to doupt it since I have no proof it is not true. And when you believe and you practise that belief, than belief becomes a religion. We have a saying here every religion is a blind religion I don't really know why is that but purhaps it has something to do with exaggeration or because believer has no proof of and blindly believes it. And when you fall in love they tell you love is blindness, so what is there left to believe in? shihihihit So I was in 4th grade of primary school learning history and I had two different books on a same theme and the date for one happenning in one book didn't mach up with the date for that same happening in the other book. Than they tell you that the winners write history shit if that is true they shure didn't win because the loosers still look very much alive, or maby it was just a mistake or intent...

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to take a case of one mistake of others and used it as a reason for all the other books that I did not want to read.

So I decided not to read books since it has no point knowing what is true or untrue even today people still quarell what happend when, why and how... Even to the point that you people put out that what you see is what you wanted it to be than I guess I wanted to be lied to and I wanted to believe that lie blindfully, why would I care. But I forget that when I get lied to and I spread that lie/belief/truth without a care. Or when i was little we were joking alot and I got fooled sometimes also, because I believed shit that wasn't true. So there of I'd rather believe every lie than to miss out on a truth. And now well I just try to remeber things as much as possible inspite of the fact that memories fade away.
So for instance you believe in 10 commandments and you place those commandments on a wheel of fortune and you spin that wheel troughout your life and eachtime wheel stops on a commandmen that commandment is put into question, because of situation that you have trouble dealing with and you break that rule in the name of not losing that what you fear of losing. So what good are rules than if we can't follow them? So thats why we are perhaps blinded by religion because we only follow it as long it suits us and when moment appears that our life or desires or whatever other need depends on it there is no problem breaking them.
So i watched videos on youtube shitload of them about all the conspiratory stuff and prophecies and excetra. I have heard people saying: "You know all those farytales that you heard when you were a young well all of them are going to come true." and "There is someone, the chosen one to come to save us, or yes the seeker" pardon me but that seems such a crap to me because that is like a religion like there is God waiting for you when you die that will forgive you all your bad stuff that you do to others around you, and that means you can do bad stuff to others around you because God will forgive you or better yet at other religions if you kill in the name of the religion you will be rewarded a heaven and shitload of virgins to fuck with...Yea spending our lives in making bad things to others and justifying it with some reward when we die...bla bla bla too much for me. And If you have a person that must cheat/lie/steal to survive because that is how he choose his life would be and it defenetly looks like a living hell, and when he dies he will have to go in to another hell...wtf. Anyway then I don't know what happened I started to comment stuff of the portal I don't remeber exactly what happend all I know that some people were like laughing, some were loving the stuff, I believed it why wouldn't I, and I never commented on anything on youtube since I have no idea about these esoteric things... That HOM series were quite interesting. Well I remeber I was hooked on drugs and drank beer abit. So some stuff from portal didn't add up some did like that fear of loss and that video talking about looking at yourselves and where are you I mean in what kind of situation. I was fed up with the school but only because lazyness, and pc games got the best of me... Than there was this video don't trust desteni or was it desteny well it didn't bother me since those two words sound nearly exactly the same. So I thought well I could act like that. When people say don't do something to me that is like giving me an idea to do just that. I mean we are free to do as we like and words only hurt those that allow themselves to be hurt by them. So all of those videos talking about illuminati idk too many videos about them so it must be a religion and since all religions are blind oh well whats to loose but only selfdignity since caring is dishonest and only shows what you fear losing. We my personal oppinion about such stuff that if you talk about it than it is no other way of knowing it but to be part of it so those that are talking about illuminati are illuminati I mean how else would they know about this stuff just like christians that talk about christianity are christians because they are a part of it because if they wouldn't be they would not be waisting time for it or more probably im wrong...

And than it happend I started to talk unknowingly that I would soon start to wordshit because I wanted to be like- look at me I know some stuff that had nothing to do with the stuff on videos I wanted to humiliate myself and I tryed really hard since you people had no problem saying selfforgivness and other people laugh at it, well I personally thought its a joke or a way to get to people to talk out theyrselves, like humilitae themselves as much as possible, kind of like me now... Than i wanted to present myself as a defender of portal because people were like talking bad stuff about her or maby it was intentional idk and idc. And than she replied and I tohught omg man this is like most epic thing ever me observed by somebody...Than word spite popped up and I only tryed to show my vocabulary well it has alot of spelling mistakes and meanings may not be sorted out completely, but hell what did I knew the consequences of underestimating understanding will be. So you really must know at that time I lost it because I didn't understand. So I think I fell in love because I was ignored I don't know really, you can't fight what you like. Even Bernard popped up and than it went seroius two or more sober people against one asocial drunken man (at that time). It really pissed me off when i said something about the mind of man how we are thought to speak than read and write and than religion and habbits that we take on or learn from our sorroundings...and than she said "I didn't know mind was behind it". And than i went to your webpage and the stuff that you have written on the mind and at that time I though you got to be kidding me(it was a selfish thought because I really belived it to be a joke on me and everithing I wrote that someone actually took time and make that intentionally just to make fun of what I have said, well i guess I will never know). I remeber someone said something about child rape I don't know in what context but I do remeber of my sick answer:"Be lazy about it and you won't do it" wich is kind of true if rapists would stop themselves there would not be a rape. I dont know the exact order of events but i try... If karma is real the only way to stop it from happening is to stop ouselves from reacting to vengefull thoughts or in the case of rape, rapists should just speak out if they have guts to do it...damn all the other people for that matter that abused life for whatever purpose but probably none will or atleast try to stop themselves from abusing. So yea than "songs tell the truth" was said and I sticked to my word that I've said and believed it. I remebered a song that said how pretty girls like bad boys, well its in slovene, and than I thought man i can act bad no problem and if people say she is bad, perfect... And than that idea poped how people are weak toward resisting something that is just waiting to be used in someway especially if its for free.I mean trough the portal beings talk about how sistematic/robotic or whatever the hell we are and I knew that someone would took those song so that was predictable yea. And maby sooner or later someone like me would pop up and fell for this or atleast the intent was to be so idk. So I really tryed hard to write good songs I don't remeber what they were all about I know some had to do with me being in love in Sunette, and than it popped into myhead I have never before had the guts to try this out-speaking openly about loving somebody especially as public so I faced this what I was resisting to do. So yea songs, I thught you believed that too or it was just a trick idk. Well it was out of love and if I get killed or whatever for that than there is really nothing good to live for in this reality. Love is a state of obsession I allways tried to resist it because somehow I allways had a hard time loosing that obssesion because thoughts consumed so hard I saw no way out but the time to pass or idk...So than I jumped to other videos/clames start questioning them trough logic and judgement about timetravel and freemasons, and illuminati and i don't know/care what else aah yes the vampires. I said bad things no doupt but I was only in love...blindly. I just never thought that songs would be sung on the tv and radio wich was really overwhelming for me ffs I guess it was a payback. Musicians rock. I don't remeber the whole shit I have said, I did not wrote it down so I guess I'll never know and youtube closed down your accounts.

So the point was to show the watchers what kind of crap a woman/man get himself into if she/he believes everything she/he is told and than take those lies and just throws them back at the them. I am not the one but I know who the One is for me and I think most of the people do for themselves, I was just the lovefool and the world was the artist. So don't take it personally. I only believed all the lies and used them. Don't trust desteni, lie because if that were true than you would have noone that would trust you and yet you seem to have a lot of people that do. Lie does not exist for me because I like to remember them so that when the time comes I can throw them back from where they came from. But that is another lie since the word for lie exists why wouldn't lies exist. Now if you believe that than it is your religion and you are blinded by it and don't ask me how fucking confused I am because of it but I do think and thinking means knowing nothing. So I am not here to save anybodys ass but my own because I'm selfish. And mind will allways play tricks on me but I do know that I was in love and I wanted to test that if it still counts for something. Honestly I can only care for my actions and if others want to blame me for theyr own actions well than; what a waste of excuses that we blame, forgetting that we got only ourselves to blame due to loss of controll of ourselves.

I frogive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make fun out of Sunette that it was not her that talked to me but was some other entety.

Brutal science fiction

If reincarnation exists that means we must get to live someday again and since past echoes to the present and present is a gift and this what we have will echo into future and we get to live in that future than our decisions/actions now will make us the hell or heaven or whatever you might call it for the incarnations of us in the future...if I lie well than I won't become a tweety on conveyor belt to the grinder since reincarnation is not true...
I wouldn't say this but i remeber I made fun out of these 2 deaths that exist. First one dispersion into a countless pieces and second to realize smth I don't know what and you get yourself free only get yourself trapped into brutal dimensions or smth or to turn into pure energy I don't know the esoterics do or you do I trully don't care since caring is most dishonest thing I could do. This same thing I read in this book the Sorcerers Crossing, something about Carlos Castaneta, I don't know why but somehow I prefer the first one.
Maby one day you will be able to put some more letters to that cult of yours...(ure). And if you read LOVE backwards and add some more letters I wonder what word pops in your mind.

End of brutal science fiction

End of science fiction

I live/breathe here now, I still got "sins" from the past wich is scool to finish, still got science fiction storyes to tell...
And if you want to know what I really am; is I don't trully know I am trying to figure it out myself, or you tell me...


I have two cats the male one allways dipped nose into females one even though both have seperate pots.I was angered by the fact that he allways eats most of the food and she than waited for more so one time I squeezed his tail to try and teach him but to no avail. I stood and wached them eat and every time he put his mount into her dish I moved him but that didn't help either. Than sometime later I expressed selfforgivnes: I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to hurt cat in order to teach him a lesson. Now they both eat from theyr pots and she even lets me now to touch her.
I really don't know why people don't recommend to talk to you guys, maby they are scared of you, or scared of letting themselves out what they think, how they live. Smoking isn't recommended either and still alot of people do it well alot of other things that are not recommened and its still done in the name of blind belief just like I am blind and believe that self-forgiveness will help me.

I had to get this trash out of my head.

Thanks for support.



User avatar
Bella
Posts: 1708
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 13:07

Re: Fear

Postby Bella » 29 Sep 2012, 17:09

Thanks for sharing Ambroz and everyone for the support -
cool thread here.


In terms of investigating Spirituality and Metaphysics, I'd suggest looking into the latest Blog posts by Bernard, on his Blog Creation's Journey to Life - fascinating stuff.



User avatar
Rozelle de Lange
Posts: 650
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 14:04

Re: Fear

Postby Rozelle de Lange » 30 Sep 2012, 22:49

I'd suggest looking into the latest Blog posts by Bernard, on his Blog Creation's Journey to Life - fascinating stuff.
- I concur and suggest the same. Very cool writings.




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