I see a behavior within myself – I write it out to make it even clearer – I forgive myself – I go out in the world and I change the behavior – and then step by step I will build a new construction. A construction that is best for all.
I am going to a wedding in the end of may and I want S. to come along. He doesn’t want to go because of Christianity, dress code and alcohol. Somehow, I don’t want to hide from these things that people do in the system. I want to be a part of it and express without alcohol and express my insights and dance and hang out. I don’t want to become more separated than I was before so that's what I will make sure to do.
Yes, be in the system but not of it - it is ironic though that by judging the system and wanting to escape (as I have for most of my life) one is actually even more enslaved to it - and what I have found is that underneath that judgment is a desire to "be a part of".
Elin Liss wrote:Watch out for justifications as "It is just the system and all the emotional people in it"
Amazing how so many times it is not about the action at all, simply about the startingpoint.
Elin Liss wrote:The video: 2012: Experiencing Change vs. ACTual Self-Change
This was a suppotive video.
I tend to desiering to get rid of the feeling of being different. So I am writing and writing and I think that it will just magically go away. But it wont! I must live this. I must prove to myself that I can stop the mindbullshit, the shame, the stress, the overanalyzing and prove to myself that I am a responsible human being and a grown up. I am responsible for making this happen. I don’t necessarily need to act like everyone else but I need to do what I know, with self honesty, is responsible and common sense.
Also be watchful that I am not doing this to create an other personality but actually bringing myself back to the physical.
The balance between relaxing when I am around old friends and at the same time be watchful that I don’t go into my personality – is difficult, so the solution is to go slow and constantly bring myself back to the physical, with breath and seeing the whole situation from outside – what is in fact taking place here? Am I separating myself and going back into my mind? I must redefine the word “relaxing” which I have seen as going with the flow and just letting the mind rule. “Relaxing” must become a physical action. Slowly step by step.
I saw today when I took a walk with a friend that I had a strong will to show here that I had changed. I also spent a lot of time in my mind earlier during the day fantasising about the future when i will write my own blog and share my insights and how i will make people understand the message just by a few blogposts that will be so wellwritten that everything gets clear. - EGO - MIND - LIE
Once again: The physical, back to the physical with breath. The process will infact be more effective if I stop thinking about it all the time. Be ONE with everything and everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be eager and seeking experiences within the process when infact this is not practical nor beneficial.
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