Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

Postby mikelammers » 09 Oct 2012, 22:47

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... or-me.html

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

-?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda. There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Postby mikelammers » 09 Oct 2012, 22:57

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... e-pot.html


Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.




I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Postby mikelammers » 09 Oct 2012, 22:58

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/1 ... alone.html

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word 'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-020-Fear of success

Postby mikelammers » 09 Oct 2012, 22:59

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/1 ... ccess.html


This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit

Postby mikelammers » 20 Oct 2012, 18:56

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/1 ... ou-to.html

This is a follow up to:
Day-020-Fear of success

Opening up the point of self sabotage further. I want too have a look at a situation at work involving the way I work. How I experienced myself within the outflow and the work itself. To start of I realize that my work is the 'money point' and everything in my reality is related to that point.

I only have to look at myself and the people around me to see what happens if this point becomes unstable. Everything as in my whole persona', my whole being becomes unstable because I fear to have no money. I don’t hear people about it but I see it all around. My money determines my life my world, my universe because my world evolves around me. It's my job, my company, my family, my responsibility, it's my projections unto my reality and it is my reality. My money or lack of it creates my reality.

I can pretend that it’s not the case but when the shit hit's the fan I think about myself and the money before something else first. It’s like a reflex and sometimes it’s not even concious. Within my reality I'm always arguing for my limitations because I fear loosing my position, my stand. And from where I am standing the point becomes most prominent within work and my working environment. There is always the pressure of doing things as efficient as possible because time = money and somewhere there is this primal fear that there is someone who can do it faster than me. It's called the rat race and yes I'm a rat too.

Within the current money system there will be friction surrounding this point. Money itself lubricates, the getting it creates friction and this is where I find myself within my daily reality where I have to get used to IT. Used to this reality? Accept it? Merge with it? Surrender to it? Don't ask questions about it? All this time all my life not realizing that within getting used to it I was creating friction within my relationship with money instead of the other way around.

Money lubricates the system thus it lubricates everything. No money no movement. Looking at it from the slot I have created for myself over time makes this point my 'bitter pil'. Reality is hard to swallow because it's unacceptable and I ‘know’ it. I educated and developed myself within the money point as bitter and judgmental and from these observations come the insights of what is required and I fear the responsibilities that come with getting myself here.

If I where a bit more ‘stupid’ or blind I would not have seen it and probably take the whole thing for granted and get used to it no questions asked. Yes the same old: "That's what it is children, better get used to it". I never wanted to see or accept the new perspective that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate or not. That it’s all about my acceptance and allowances. I so much want to blame someone or something fore the fuckup seeing and realizing that blame is just another part of the puzzle and that I’m a part as well.

I'm shit scared to take full responsibility for that point. My judgment and assumptions make sure the 'I am not good enough' character is kept in the play never giving myself the experience of going all the way and succeeding by doing what is nessecary. What I'm starting to see is that the mind will never surrender so I have no other option than to never give up. So eventually It boils down to seeing myself as the mind that refuses to give up. Slow down-stop-give it up-loose it all.

LOOSE! WTF! NO!

Haha. So back-to-the-chat to work where I found myself again in a situation where I had to say 'no' and I didn't. I was asked if a certain job could be done in a certain amount of time. In itself a simple question. I was lacking information and I allowed myself (as so often) to not follow the elementary procedure. I thought I could avoid friction not seeing realizing that I was only postponing a point thus creating it. I can safely say I'm identifying and mapping a prominent construct within me here. In order to get things done I need all the information. From that point I can investigate and make calculations which take out the guesswork and allows me to make a todo list and get clarity on the steps to take. It reduces the risk of having to abort a mission which is always more costly than not starting one.

SO within this I see myself having to answer the question of starting a mission or skipping it and answering the ‘bloody’ question 'why?'. Also not seeing realizing the point that giving myself the answer will not, is not to avoid friction but will reduce it. There will always be resistance. The question is how I am going to deal with it as in DEAL! with it. I see the point I created within myself over time.

As so many I fear conflict. I avoid it and I realize that by doing so I create it. I fear friction as conflict as having to stand my ground and within that allowing myself to think I'm not 'good' enough. And so I find myself struggling to stand my ground. Here I enter the point of self sabotage fucking up before I even start simply because I do not give myself clarity and allow myself to identify and step over my fears. And then I find myself juggling with the polarity of two components.


1. If I start the mission I create friction within the point of too many loose ends and I will create chaos.
2. Aborting the mission will create friction within the point of not solving a clients 'problem' thus create friction with a client.


(Fear component being that in both cases I will loose).

Within the whole construct is the component of me having to make a decision and loose or not giving myself control over my own involvement within the process. Meaning = to stop thinking and take action step by step.

I realize and see that I cannot avoid conflict when I'm the one creating it and thus become the participant and thus allow conflict to exist in this world instead of stopping it through taking self responsibility within this point within each breath. I realize I can do my part by redefining my approach to work and look at my definition of professionalism and not connect work to fear and as a consequence allow myself too loose grip on myself and my actions thus becoming unprofessional.

Why do I always start to justify myself for the ‘quality’ of my work within my work environment and why is it so automated? The reactions I sometimes get from so called bosses says it all. "I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done…." Eventually It's looking into the mirror of me, me, me.

Interesting within my work I need to think and reflect and come up with concepts that create polarities and opinions and perspectives and the moment they have to be transformed into money it must go through the process of friction. There seems to be no way around it. So Looking at it from that perspective it kind of comes down to my situational awareness. Am I aware of the situation. Can I identify all relevant aspects within and take them and myself into consideration within my decision making process.

apparently the professional is not allowing himself to be one...

More to come



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day-022-About the money

Postby mikelammers » 20 Oct 2012, 18:58

http://mikesprocess.blogspot.com/2012/1 ... money.html

This is a follow up on:
Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate everything in my reality to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable because I fear loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let money determine my behavior, persona and base all my actions on money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my assumptions about money on my reality thus creating my financial reality not knowing for a fact if what I see is what is in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to money and identify myself with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the money point always think about myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my position, my stand out of fear of loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to pressure and stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to get used to this reality, accept it, merge with it, surrender to it, don't ask questions about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within getting used to money I did not see money for what it is and created a pattern and addiction to money and thus did not allow myself to become comfortable with money as 'normal' part of my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter and judgmental towards money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibilities that come with making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to see or accept the point that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate within reality or not and within that I forgive myself for not moving myself out of fear of loosing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the mind will never surrender thus if I want to change I can not allow myself to stop until it's done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success as in creating a financial platform of stability from which I'm able to gather information and asses my options regarding my commercial activities as work and thus money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down when the professional situation asked for it and within that sabotage myself within not creating a clear picture for myself as tasks of what to do and when to do them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not educate and train myself within the point of being realistic and allow myself to say 'no' in order to create clear starting points for myself and be professional within the way I communicate and go about my work

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to gather more information when I see I'm not having enough information in order to get my jobs done professionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clearly and specifically communicate with other persons in relation to the information I need to do a professional Job

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take out the guesswork by preparing my projects in such a way that it creates clarity about what steps to take and within this create the opportunity of choosing to abort or go ahead and in either case reduce friction between me and my clients

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educate myself within the point of dealing with friction within relationships realizing that it starts with me and that I have a choice to be part of the problem or part of the solution and that I have not allowed myself to become effective within this point within turbulent situations thus creating friction and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think friction is a fact of life not seeing realizing that it's me who is responsible for creating friction by my own participation within and as my projections, judgment, thoughts, emotions and feelings and within that I realize I have never learned to identify these patterns and give myself a window of opportunity instead kept bouncing back within this point within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that by fearing conflict I'm in fact creating it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that what I fear will materialize because that's what fear does

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resonate that I'm not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to identify my fears by making my daily writing a daily application realizing I can only give myself clarity by taking the time to sit with myself and write myself out instead of thinking about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scattered within my professional communication because I don't allow myself to gather enough information because I allow myself to rush things and thus risk creating failure out of fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted within and as the mind when other people share information in my presence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the polarity of work instead of creating clarity by identifying the working components as the specific building blocks of a particular project seeing realizing that this is how every project is to be completed doing things step by step in the necessary order

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can only create form if I'm clear about function so in order to let form follow function I have to create clarity and perspective on functionality first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down enough before I start participating and or interacting within relationships and within that not realizing i'm creating my own stress and anxiety by not making myself responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction within the point of creating to many loose ends within my projects thus loosing oversight and are thus responsible for creating my own chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that professionally means to always take the human (system) component in consideration meaning that refusing a project because of unrealistic deadlines is also part of my profession.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself total control over my own involvement within my work.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby mikelammers » 20 Nov 2012, 17:59

Dear reader(s)

I'm already posting this series in 'Mike's journey to life'. So there they are.
This saves me a lot o time in regards to double posting.

viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3302#p19534

Thanks,

Mike



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 35-2015 10 14 not the patient one

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:13

This morning before I had my coffee I checked my mail and saw that I had to respond to a mail my brother send me regarding images that I am working on. There are 3 persons working on that batch of images. Me my brother and a third person whom I have worked with up to today. My brother asked me to do some Image corrections on a few images but I was confronted with the fact that those specific corrections where not within the specific agreement I had about the sort of work that I do for this particular job.

I told my brother that this was the case and asked him if he was authorized to give me the order. I noticed that he wanted to have this work of his desk and this he tried to do so by asking me to contact the person that I had the agreement with.

At that point I became irritated because this is not the first time this happens and it's a pattern. Within the same moment I realized that I was becoming agitated so I allowed myself to breath but as this was happening in realtime I couldn't completely calm myself down and I noticed that I was raising my voice and within that also the pitch of my voice went up.

At that point I became frustrated because I allowed myself to get to this point where I didn't want to be. I was aggitated and frustrated and on top of that I had to handle the extra time to inform the other person about what was going on. In this case probably because it was my brother I allowed to myself to lash out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become agitated when I'm confronted with my brother who uses me to get the work of his desk by dropping it on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within seeing this pattern it's my response ability to organize my work in a way that rules out the possibility of others dropping their work on my plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within communicating with my brother to raise my voice instead of focussing on voicing myself in a way that supports me and my brother to get where we have to go within our shared responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not calm myself down completely before I started communicating and within that I realize that what I am doing is becoming reactive instead of practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reactive I was communicating with my brother in a professional environment

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to become frustrated when people behave in a different way than I expect them to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a certain expectation towards my brother instead of allowing myself to get a complete picture of the real time situation first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate my reactions wherein I separate my brother from others and allow myself to behave inconsistently in relation to the people within my professional environment



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 36-2015 11 06

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:19

Yesterday evening I received an e-mail from a potentially new client/company that do cool stuff. We met a few weeks back and I had an appointment with him tomorrow but he had to cancel it. I was already in the process of making a presentation and I quickly revised my company card and had new ones printed. I was looking forward to this meeting and curious about the company and I really need to get some work in and I saw a lot of potential for that. I'm running on fumes at the moment and my reserves are gone. So as I read this e-mail I hear myself speak 'fuck'. Not in a loud tone, not angry just a simple soft 'fuck'.

In my mind I was very rational about it. I can fully understand that he had to cancel the appointment. I mean, that happens and we will reschedule so in fact there is nothing to be worried about. And still as I read the mail I felt this reaction in my solar plexus, this slight movement (fear). I worried.

Fear connected to money, connected to work, connected to people I have to connect with because that's how it works. Something on their part is more important than meeting me (inferiority). A simple reschedule of an appointment becomes a rather interesting chain of reactions within me. Judging myself, feeling fearful, fear of the future, feeling betrayed and abandoned, judging this other person as someone who's judging me as less important. Allowing myself to go into this reaction of frustration and speaking out 'fuck''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear after a client e-mails me to reschedule an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this appointment to work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and react and speak out the word 'fuck' after receiving and e-mail that confronts me with my reality where things not always go as planned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and rationalize my emotional reaction towards this e-mail not realizing that this emotional reaction should be the first point for me to look at because it shows me that I missed a point in my reality and by doing so find myself making projections in my mind into the future allowing myself to loose touch with my physical reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the best thing to do is to stay professional and simply do what I have to do which is reschedule my appointment in the most hospitable and professional way possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration instead of allowing myself to grow proffessionally by emidiately take myself by the hand and move on because I realize that any other reaction is a waste of time and energy and pure self sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another person based on him rescheduling an appointment without knowing anything about the reasons or motivations of that person and within that allow myself to feel judged by that person seeing realizing that I'm making this whole thing up in my mind and in doing so create this alternate reality that is not real and based on my own fears and by doing this create a mental projection towards another person that is going to resonate in my relationship with this person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make projections towards another person seiing realizing that this is pure self sabotage and dishonesty because instead of growing professionally by simply walking the physical reality as actions I have to take allow myself to get lost in the mind as projections of paranoia and finger pointing towards others instead of bringing this back to myself and take self responsibility for my actions and reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abandoned when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less important when someone reschedules an appointment with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more important than someone else seeing realizing that this is me as the mind always wanting to be top dog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm in control by not lashing out completely not seeing realizing that even the slightest reaction is a top of an iceberg that is the system of control I have adapted as myself proffesionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by seeing the extend into which I have programmed myself as these automated reactions and the consequence thereof for me as a professional



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 37-2015 11 18

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:21

A colleague whom I work with was invited to participate in a pitch. Meaning that in order to get the whole assignment you have to make a presentation first and submit it. So do a lot of others. Best concept wins and get's the whole job. I just decided to not participate in unpaid pitches because it's a form of abuse where I diminish my own work and integrity and that of others in the same position. The whole judging process is completely subjective and non transparent so one never get's the whole picture. It's a complete screw up to start with. Again I find myself in this difficult split between having to pay the rent and the principle of not doing unpaid pitches.

The other dimensions is that on top of this I'm not directly working for this client. I'm doing this for this colleague which makes him my client. Within this I see I have a choice. I can say no. So I told him that I'm not doing unpaid pitches. So he said he was willing to pay 500 euro's wether or not we would win this pitch. I agreed to that because my principle of work and money overrules the principle of not doing unpaid pitches. Again I find myself in this polarity of winning and loosing and compromise by doing more than a week of work for 500 euro. On top of that I allow myself to feel frustrated because I'm not able to serve this client directly myself. So If we win this pitch he get's the job (a 200 page catalogue). How much of that work would come my way? Questions I also failed to ask myself and that created more frustration within the point of "why invest so much time and energy in the first place?' So I asked him and he said that at least 30-40 pages of real design work would come my way. So to invest a weeks work to hopefully be able to make about 2400 euro's without any credits for my work. This should at least be around 5000 euro's and it just feels awful albeit me knowing that this is how the game is played.

I started on Tuesday and I finished Yesterday evening late. A lot of work for 500 bucks. And now as I write this and reflect on the past week I can see myself in this duality where I'm satisfied with the quality of my work and that it's still cool to create stuff and to kick ass. To simply see that what I create can have impact. And the flip side is that I hardly make any money and that it's someone else who is going to claim credit for my work without me having any say in it. On top of that having to trust someone that has proven to make money an issue time and time again is creating friction within me as well.

I'm also involved in branding the basic income party in holland and I would rather spent my time and talent on that. None of this would be an issue if money would not be the problem. And I had a few moments this week where I was working concentrated and suddenly found myself with tears in my eyes before I new what was happening. I was not emotional it was just there. From what I see now it's me being so fed up with having to go through this bullshit with people about money and what this is actually doing to me on a physical level. I suppress so much simply because I cannot afford to fuck up professionally at the same time seeing the whole system around me collapsing faster and faster. Being in the middle of this and having to participate in this fuckup between people and money becomes harder and harder. I can be rational about it but as I experienced this week, my body sometimes just gives up and has to release the pressure.

I find it almost undoable to remain self honest and make my own living this way. Having to play these characters and often becoming them. I know it's all part of this process and within that I realize no one can walk it for me. The last 7 days was another reminder of the difference between reality and how I experience myself within it. It's painful to be confronted with the layers I have stored in my body that are activated as I am confronted with these points. I have to support myself and I need money to do so. In the end it remains another who screws who in the best way possible and that's rather hard to bare sometimes.

It feels schizophrenic. Was this a week of self abuse or self support or both? Did I invest in a decent amount of work coming my way? Let's wait and see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction and anxiety within having to choose between having to pay the rent and taking a stand within the principle of not doing unpaid pitches and within that not realize that keeping my reality stable involves money and thus to take a stand when it comes to my work and money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this inner conflict of ego within the point of winning and loosing and feeling like a looser for doing more than a weeks work for only 500 euro's and within that judging 500 euro's as 'not enough' realizing that it's me who is the one that decides to do this and within that I have to take self responsibility for my decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I'm not able to serve this client I'm working for indirectly directly realizing that within that I'm being dishonest because It's not me who made first contact and it's up to me to take or up the stakes in regards the offer made to me in regards to what is asked of me and do my part as is usual in doing business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand why I failed to ask myself the necessary questions in order to create clarity within myself and my business partner first and instead avoided the financial and business dimensions by focussing on creativity first and to not take the time to get more perspective on the business side of things which created haziness and within that I realize that this is actually self sabotage because I don't allow myself to grow professionally and stand within the whole construct including the business/financial side of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do real world calculations and give myself more perspective within my expectation of this particular pitch wich would be to get at least around 5000 euro's out of it when we would win and communicate this clearly with my business partner in order to have create a clear understanding about my expectation so my business partner has a change to gain more perspective and respond and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate this feeling of disgust within me towards my business partner realizing that it's up to me to determine my rules and limitations from a business perspective and communicate them clearly knowing that this is how the game is played.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that participating in this specific business deal meant someone else is going to claim credit for my work without me having any say in it and within that have to realize that in the worst case A weeks work and a lot of energy is simply 500 euro's in the bank and within that I see realize and understand I allowed myself to expect more than was agreed upon from a business point of view which in this case is the only perspective that counts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust someone that has proven to make money an issue time and time again and within that leave a backdoor open that is creating friction within me from the perspective of fear of not getting enough and fear of being cheated / abused and within that I realize see and understand that it's only me that can abuse myself by creating these backdoors by not being clear about my starting points within doing business and communicating about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape and blame money for it by stating that "none of this would be an issue if money would not be the problem" realizing that money is the problem and the only way to change is to create clarity for myself in relation to money and all dimension of money within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is a better way of spending my time and talent realizing that I'm not in the position to make statements like that as long as I'm not able to spend a day without procrastinating the precious time I have and within that I see my ego fighting for its place in existence instead of me pushing myself to constructively walk out of these patterns of self pity and self diminishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate friction and energy through inner conflict and thus outer conflict with people over money and within that not realize what this is actually doing to me on a physical level and thus to create physical stability is to create a clear understanding of myself within the choices I make and actions I take in relation to my professional relationships and assignments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself instead of taking the time to clarify my standpoints in relation to doubts I have professionally in order to be able to communicate them clearly from a starting point of supporting myself in the best way possible professionally instead of allowing myself to fuck up professionally creating a reality for myself where I want confirmation of not being able to perform to higher standards thus bigger clients thus professional growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's undoable to remain self honest and make my own living this way where I have to play these characters in order to be accepted into a professional environment not seeing realizing that at this point in process that's simply what it is and being emotional about it is pure self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time this week to sit with myself and bring myself to a point where I'm able to see how I exist in reality and how I experience myself within it enabling myself to forgive myself and not make things worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's only another game of who screws who in the best way possible realizing that being here and do all I can to do what serves everybody in the best way possible is the first thing I have to look at instead of reacting based on emotions related to an opinion I have about the business and business people in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel schizophrenic realizing that that is me accepting multiple perspectives to become multiple characters within myself to roam free and express themselves regardless of the consequences




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