Pondering on more points opening up.
What made diffusing conflict between me and my partner so difficult? Friction mostly developed when I found myself in situations where I actually needed support most. Stressful times where I found myself wrestling with keeping clear and my reality stable in relation to money. Things I had to do to keep moving. So when I would run into problems in relation to keeping everything stable in my life I would often allow myself to become agitated and stressed. Moments where my relationship and physical surroundings as ‘a safe place’ can be hugely supportive by enabling me to give myself the opportunity to shelter, take a breath and reflect on things with a partner that can reflect back and maybe give me a deeper understanding or more perspective on things.
I had all ready decided to take my struggle related too work and money related points not or as little as possible with me into the relationship. I did this from my perspective of seeing my partner being physically ill and having enough on her plate herself. I would share myself as little as possible about my experience of going through that struggle with myself even though I realized that it was there as the reality of me. Then this moment came where my partner asked me to be permanently in her life. I was surprised, I felt honored and I got very anxious. These questions popped up. How am I going to be a stable part of this relationship when everything in my life feels so fragile? Can I live up to the her expectations? How do I carry myself within this knowing how much I’m struggling with myself within keeping my life on track? Connected to these points is the fact that our history showed me that our biggest moments of conflict where connected to us having a lot on our plates and going through stressful moments in life. On top of that and in the past, money as succes had been a subject of projections and blame as well and this point would still resonated between us from time to time. And within these moments she could almost casually say something like: “your always busy and your life is always full and I think you are a grumpy old man” or something like that. So in these moments I often allowed myself to feel rejected and not taken seriously and I pulled back allowing myself to stay at sea instead of asking her to let me into the harbor. And within this I allowed myself to drift further from shore.
I just couldn’t voice myself in an emotional mature way. Often I couldn’t even find the words to describe how I felt (because I didn’t slow myself down). When I tried I often became emotional and scattered within my communication. I wanted to be clear but It was very frustrating and not clear to me why I couldn’t share myself the way I wanted to with my partner in that emotional mature way. And it happend almost every time I struggled. It got a bit better when that point of being emotional mature and what that practically entailed was specifically discussed between us. From that moment on I had a definition, a point of reference for myself when I saw myself going sideways. Like: “o I’m going sideways and all this energy is coming up and I’m hearing all this backchat and I’m even listening and reacting to it”. What to do? And if I was stable I would be able to make a real time connection to that point and use my definition of ‘emotional mature’ to adjust my reaction and behavior to a point where I was at least able to keep my mouth shut and listen and/or keep my reactions contained.
When my life became more complicated my relationship became more important. Before all this my partner realized she was actually very sick and that became a huge priority. I did what I could and tried to be of assistance as much as possible. But these moments where my partner would sort of pull herself back became more frequent. She would become more intellectual les physical, started talking a lot and distance herself from me. At the same time I was yearning for physical contact and the simple safety of being able to slow down and relax in the safe environment of my relationship. I often allowed myself to feel like an outsider or under scrutiny/investigation.
These where very painful experiences for me and it only amplified my struggle of coping with the situation by falling back on survival mechanisms related to being left alone to sort it out myself. Within my backchat I sometimes judged my partner as ungrateful, cold and distant towards me. In those periods I was really struggling with myself. I presume she did what she could but my anxiety had an adverse effect. So instead of my partner moving towards me she was obviously repelled by me. Her body language would change where she for example would turn her body away from me when I came close or she would turn her head away when I tried to kiss her. Or she would not sit next to me on the couch. Al these things I suppressed and I didn’t bring them to the table from my perspective and that created a lot of energy. Mainly related to this point of feeling resented. In those moments I became even more stressed and frustrated. I noticed I would start to mimic her behavior and distance myself from her as well. And from there we are clearly moving away instead of towards each other as the relationship.
Often this was the point in time where this huge emptiness connected to experiences of being left alone, being not important, not enough would come up inside me. The first feeling being pain. Like walking around with a concrete block in my stomach. Questions in my head would pop up like. Why is it that in these moments when I really need you to be physically here with me, you pull back? Here I was working my as of and really pushing myself and instead of being welcomed I was rejected. Why? I allowed thoughts like, am I only of interest when it suits you. What am I to you really and why do you want me in your life when I’m obviously a burden to you? I couldn’t stand within that inner turmoil at all. I totally fucked with myself.
Also within this the aspect of physicality is more important than I ever realized. We both really needed this physicality. Like going to the sauna for a day. Or stay in bed longer. Just taking quality time together to relax and diffuse physical tension slowly together in a safe environment. On days like for example going to the sauna we where capable of really slowing down. Being in a safe place as well, nude and vulnerable. Able to be literally naked, to relax and diffuse in the water and give ourselves the chance to just look at points as they came up from this intimate physical state with each other. My partner suggested we should do this at least ones a month. It absolutely supported us when we took the effort of doing so. In daily life the opposite happend. The more we needed days like these the less they occurred. In my case a lot of physical tension was building up. A big flag point because I’m even worse dealing with mental stress if my body is feeling tensed and I’m holding on to adrenaline for survival. Also my back was giving me a lot of trouble physically. And this constant pain was really distracting and made it even harder to keep a straight head. I can almost put these patterns on a timeline seeing them emerge. Like: Diffuse-find common ground-find perspective-make a plan of approach-walk-adjust-walk-moment-stress-more stress-not slowing down enough-no relaxation-no diffusing-allowing friction-suppression-irritation-conflict-outburst-crisis. This is what happened if we didn’t take the time to really come down together when we ran into things. Allowing the little things to stack up into a big thing that eventually wants to express itself and roam free.
It’s so weird and kaleidoscopic because we where very intimate with each other and than that would change in a matter of days into two people sort of going their own way and then it became very hard to get back to that slow, stable, conscious, intimate mode of being really together. Like there was my daily life that rather sucked and another life where we would feel in tune, connected and stable. Somehow we where not able to deal with this situation effectively. These points should have been but where not priority points in our daily life. Here was like a key or a method to get to a more stable foundation together but we couldn’t apply it effectively.
Sex is a big part of this equation as well. From my perspective we had way to little physical intimacy in the period leading up to our last disaster. Being in this mental and physical stress state all ready and not being able to really diffuse energy quick and effective made me feel like being in a pressure cooker. I got more and more frustrated and we became less and less intimate. At the same time I got more and more insecure and unstable. At this point in time anything can trigger a severe possession within me. And so that happened. Trigger being myself committed to helping my partner with her garden trying to do too much in too little time. Being in too much physical discomfort and not mentally stable. Boom!
I’m writing this in the early morning and what I notice is that it’s much easier to reflect on things in the morning than after a days work where my head is simply too much in tune with work and work related aspects going trough my mind. So let’s be conscious about this point! Sleep on it and write yourself out before the day takes over Mike!
I looked on the open forum and was reading a chat and found some very interesting perspectives and points I can very much relate to in relation to the points I’m facing within myself at the moment. I’m very relieved to read that certain insights overlap things I see within and as solutions. A METHOD is mentioned and I noticed a sigh of relieve within me. So at least I can trust myself somewhat in what I see and try to come to terms with here.
Notes from a public chat on the desteni forum:
Within and throughout the past years - 13 / 14 of Portalling, working and walking with Bernard and beyond this - there is one constant I have noticed when it comes to people: we are as different, as we are similar. This also relates to SUPPORT in walking through the mind into awareness. I have come across many people supporting 'others' and most giving up in a year, even sooner, using the common statement "they don't want to help themselves" - so, let's start here. Even me - when I started in this process - sometimes I spent even less time with a person and just went into "they don't want to help themselves" - but have we ever really DEFINED what this means? Let's first start with ourselves...."I don't want to help myself":
One of the MAIN dimensions I have equated when supporting another is me self honestly having explored every and ANY avenue I possibly can to support another and NO other options opening up within a month or so... So, whenever supporting another, I make sure I can stand by and before them and SHOW "I have done and pushed myself to every dimensions I could to support" OR "this is how you challenged me, I walked through and pushed through them, still - our paths separated"
If you are trying to change self judgement alone but it causes you to hurt yourself more than help yourself the word LENIENCY - we give ourselves YEARS to walk through a point, and change it - but when it comes to others, we tend to expect change within a certain time frame Meaning - sometimes YOU YOURSELF cannot be the support for the person they need. According to you "I have done what I can" Or how about - the person needs another INDIVIDUAL, ANOTHER METHOD you have not personally explored or lived or thought of? Explaining the LOCATION point of each one's process in existence?
The idea or maybe we judge ourselves, feel guilt and blame towards self for not being able to support.. and then possibly going into blame towards them as 'they just dont want to help themselves' The HEART of the recordings shares that each one of us on earth are in different TIME ZONES of our processes.
Some TAKES YEARS to walk through ONE POINT YET takes a couple days to quickly move through others
When we tend to want to HELP others we focus only on the negative. We seldom balance their strengths
Let's do an exercise from today until Saturday
We are going to note our WEAKNESSES and strengths in a balance SUPPORT BOTH EQUALLY (balance is the key). Not just look at the BAD and try and HELP / SAVE IT but look at the GOOD and STREENGTHEN IT To stand in the position of "how can I show them their equal weaknesses and strengths to work on" and if the weaknesses take over, to focus on the strengths. We tend to want to PROJECT others giving up who we are trying toi HELP only with their PROBLEMS - when in fact we are not equally helping ourselves OR THEM to BALANCE equal support with strengths and weaknesses to BUILD THE GOOD while we tackle the BAD essentially. If we focus on the BAD ONLY - we fuel it. We tend to project and expect change unto others. But do not realise it is coming from out own personal mindset and we are standing equal to and one with them in fact.
So, we are starting to prepare ourselves to ensure we do not project and expect unto others processes. We do use the statement "they don't want to help themselves" when we walk away but we LEARN how our own processes work, how theirs work and suggest paths accordingly and support / new directions accordingly.
So, a KEY dimension discussed in the recording is essentially showing how OVERCOMPLICATING redefining and living words stems from resistance stemming from the source of refusing full responsibility for creation and the ADDICTION we have we so readily and easily shift into when it comes to rather opting for all the things such as blame, reasoning, justifications, projections, victimizations, helplessness....and much much more. So, that's a cool question that can be utilized indeed "what will I NOT be able to do if I were fully responsible for my words, actions and thoughts" - to be able to ask and assess in self honesty
Say 'I STOP", then BREATHE and as you BREATHE you CHANGE FOCUS on the physical and sensation on breathing, physical senses will naturally change the relationship and experience to thoughts and emotions...even a washing cycle doesn't IMMEDIATELY stop right in its tracks, the machione and system slows down before it comes to a stop. Same WITHIN. You press STOP, you SAY STOP then the slowing down to stopping starts with breath and changing focus. The moments where I get swept away by my experiences - for example, suddenly feeling so overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness that I start crying. Yes, I know what it may be related to, but STILL!!! CRYING??? Now??? randomly??? lol - meaning, the momentsa where I get so carried away with my emotions it is not how I usually am
I have found those moments to opening up a new process for me in understanding my self, my emotions - BUT I oftentimes judged myself for them!!! cause I'd really think / believe something is wrong, I wasn't as good as I thought at directing my emotions / thoughts, forgiving and changing lol - as though, that ONE MOMENT ruined EVERYTHING I walked and changed and did, when all the while!!! the moments where we feel we have lost control and our emotions come out in a different way than EVER BEFORE - is a NEW PROCESS UNFOLDING!!!
A NEW LAYER of process opening up within self - shaking loose and shaking open within your mind, being and body and so with that, yeah lol it is a shaky shaky experience
I have seen a similar transition of their being into the body when men genuinely exercise / for fitness / do physical work they may actually then find themselves to yes, at the same time as becoming more stable and quiet also become more aware of their mind and emotions
[WHAT WILL I NOT BE ABLE TO DO IF I WERE FULLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WORDS, ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS] !!!
I allowed myself to make assumptions in regard to how well I really new myself and how well my partner really new me. Within intense moments it often became tricky because as time passed I very often doubted myself within the point of being able to deal with these moments on a practical level. Especially my misconceptions in relation to what level I was able to stand as stability and adres conflict within myself.
What I experienced as extremely difficult was dealing with myself in relation to deep seated patterns related to personal trauma within the both of us.
Stability from the perspective of displaying emotionally mature behavior and being able to observe and direct my reactions when I find myself in intimate situations of conflict within relationships or within difficult times in general. What I now see realize and understand within this is that conflict within relationships is something that will happen sooner or later on different levels of severity. And within that every conflict is specific in relation to me as the participant within that relationship at that specific moment in time.
Every conflict will eventually and specifically show me where I was not able to direct myself and thus becomes a window of opportunity to direct the situation to a point of mutual support and/or a learning experience that speeds up movement and growth.
What I now see is that real destructive conflict within my relationships mostly developed in relation to points where both where having similar problems or points that presented themselves.
One cannot accept destructive behavioral patterns that are going to be suppressed. It wil come back stronger and fuck the shit out of us. So in our case the relationship had to be redefined continuously or would fast become an atomic war.
Bernard gave me the best definition of what a relationship is. You either move towards each other or away from each other. That’s fundamental simplicity and common sense to me. It sounds simple and in theory it is that simple. This was my mission and self agreement. The kind of simplicity that I can fall back on and visualize when life in a relationship challenges me and things become too multi dimensional for me. So I committed myself as an active part to a relationship. A process where to beings would permanently repel and attract each other on conscious, unconscious and subconscious levels.
And then I realized that this ‘only moving towards’ was practically impossible because we learn through this ’attracting and repelling’ movement. In other words by screwing things up and making mistakes. And within that I realize that the first reason for making mistakes is not taking enough time to allow ourselves to really see when we encounter a question we don’t have the direct answer to. A definitive moment to say stop!
The awesome thing within a relationship is that we will create these fuckups anyhow so dealing with them can only be done by being retrospective and pragmatic and come up with solutions together. As I see it we are walking alone with the relationship being the place where we do our internship. Awesome right! In theory this process is the ultimate way to see and experience ones personal growth and expansion within a relationship as wel as seeing and learning what the causality is within the fuckups we create with others as relationships.
It becomes problematic if my specific patterns of behavior overlap with those of my partner. It wil then become much more difficult for us to actively or passively oversee and direct situations of conflict because the specific patterns will be activated in both of us simultaneously. As I see it that created situations of extreme polarity between us where we where not able to move effectively in the desired direction, witch is towards each other.
I will eventually find myself possessed spewing out nonsense and horrific stuff in order to create a chaotic situation as a hiding place and excuse to not take self responsibility for my part in creating this collective tantrum. The moment I allow myself to separate myself completely while fighting a war with that one person I trusted with my life a moment ago. I have now separated myself from that person thus created a situation of separation.
Apart from the fact that no one wants to be in them, ones you are both in that destructive state it becomes hard to break the chain of events. And most of the time the consequences are severe because the whole relationship is practically blown from her foundation.
Now I find myself in a situation and we are wrestling to deal with it. We have arrived at the absolute opposite in relation to the starting points that formed the agreement or relationship in the first place. And I cannot get to a point of clarity within myself in relation to that other person.
The potential I thought I had to do so apparently is not there. So did I fool myself? Was it ever there? Now I’m starting to ask the wrong questions and it has become an experience of distrust, pain, confusion and separation. An emotional experience that feels impossible to overcome because I don’t trust myself thus the other person.
I become even more confused and start judging myself intensely because apparently I’m wrong and not capable of trusting my own perspective on things. So from both persons perspective within that moment of turmoil, it makes no sense to be with each other, let alone be in a relationship. Here is the person I choose to walk with and I can’t find it in myself to see all of that person. This is where self honesty and self intimacy should step in but I am the possession in full force.
I made a bad situation even worse because of what I allowed to be created and not directed. We have to figure this out together but there is no together at this point. I feel it and I see it and It’s the last thing I want so why can’t I voice myself?
And that’s when I realize I’m fucked because I fucked up and then I become super insecure and scared. Fear that expresses itself as frustration that becomes anger that becomes rage as I continu to create more friction within myself. The events leading up to our latest disaster are a perfect example of this principle.
Here is the moment a new situation is created that will have consequences within and as the relationship. I screwed up and there is no escaping it. I have become part of the problem instead of the solution.
So because of these pattern and over the past seven years we had to wipe the slate clean more than once and start over. It’s hard to describe how I experienced myself when we gave each other a clean slate after screwing shit up. I never experienced this principle let alone believed this was possible to do practically. This was completely new to me and it made so much sense. It’s impossible to grow without growing pains or making mistakes.
Allowing a partner to fuck up to a point one has to face oneself overseeing the whole chain of events and the consequences created, was completely new to me. It felt completely out of this world because it was completely new to my reality! But mutual (for)giving should be unconditionally and all points that lead to a situation should be addressed, forgiven and made futureproof.
Over time I realized I was not able to do this to the required level because in moments of conflict past events and experiences with my partner still came up and where expressed by me as points of blame.
My personal focus regarding the future was on commitment to real change.
At the same time there was permanent inner conflict because within moments of conflict my commitment to my partner was brought to the table as a point of blame towards me more than once. Within that I started fucking with myself, convincing myself that my level of commitment was not high enough. I started judging myself as being ‘not enough’.
I’m in a situation I created myself by being dishonest because I put too much on my plate. I failed to see this and communicate it in a mature, constructive and self supportive way. Stuck in these constructs and patterns of behavior and self judgement my slate can never be completely clean. My part of the slate is judged by myself as ‘not enough’. So ‘not enough’ remains on my slate as self judgement allowing myself to feel judged as ‘not enough’. Wil I ever be enough for her? Will I ever become more than I am when I allow myself to believe “I’m not enough”? Participating within and as this construct I would start to change my behavior towards my partner based on inferiority and that would always lead to an unbalance within our partnership from equal to not equal.
These electric storms of conflict create severe situations within relationships. And even when the outflow is addressed or forgiven. We ought to realize that we are only dealing with the tips of icebergs that reside in us. In our case, when friction became conflict, it was almost always related to these icebergs. To me it showed that there was always more waiting under the surface on whatever level within the both of us. Within this we often failed to focus on really slowing ourselves down although we concluded more than once that this was of the upmost importance for us. Within this ’balance’ and ‘patience’ where key solutions we needed to work on if we wanted to keep moving towards each other.
We both had overlapping issues in relation to (self)trust, being abandoned and bullied within relationships. On top of that, if neither of us was able to remain stable in specific moments of friction our coping mechanisms would often kick in and amplify everything we said, did or was happening between us. For me this made real time dealing with those situations very problematic and confusing. I often lost clarity because I would loose every form of oversight.
That lead to these flee or fight situations. And within them I didn’t want to fight. So I would bail out most of the time and leave.
Me and my partner both have tendencies to push things a little too far and brake late. That maybe explains why when things went haywire they went haywire so fast. This is about knowing and applying ones inner and outer limits as well as those of a partner. How far can I reasonably push it? Did I push it too far? Here again it’s all about setting honest, supportive and healthy limits beforehand instead of having to force them unto each other as blame in a moment of conflict or in our world later as damage control.
Some people I know who are in long relationships and are confronted with partners who have issues and push things too far are somehow able to simply say; “hey cut the crap, fuck off and come back when you are able to act and speak normal”. And then they sort of leave it there on pause. They can somehow make a very fast and clear distinction between the problem, their problem and the problem with that other person. And they seem to do it in real time. It appears like they brake the chain of events while they unfold in an early stage. It might not adres the causality or underlying currents and it doesn’t solve the whole problem. But in a sense it probably gives addressing and solving the problem in the future a greater chance for succes. This approach is by no definition a total solution but it creates a space in time for energy levels to drop. It creates space for both participants. It creates an opportunity to slow down. From my perspective this increases the chance for a successful and supportive dialog.
I can apply this principle most of the time when I’m working with people professionally. But only if I have clarity in the moment, see my limits and am commitment to guard them. Why is it so hard for me to do the same in intimate relationships outside work? Here I become almost a different person. Seeing myself keeping quiet and suppress myself more and within that I see and realize that it has to do with avoiding friction thus only creating more friction.
From my perspective and within that process of becoming more effective in these situations, my partner moved faster within herself than I did. It always takes two to tango but me being in the matrix and wrestling with these point of patience and balance often resulted in me being the initial cause of friction. If physical discomfort and pain is also in the mix and I become fatigued, I loose almost all elasticity. At least that’s how I experienced it. Feeling judged as not doing enough or failing to commit to my partner. The one that is always causing friction and always fucks things up. My relationship over the past seven years showed me time and time again that these dynamics and money impacted our process of walking together the most.
But here I am doubting myself within the point of thinking that It’s not enough. It was never enough.
I find it very hard to admit to myself and deal with how big, multidimensional and complex these inferiority patterns are hidden within me and how severe and unexpected they can pop out and impact my life. I unconsciously must have kept convincing myself that my partner would eventually give up on me because I wil never be enough. Not seeing realizing that this is precisely the kind of self manipulation that makes me end up in exactly that place. Believing I was not meant to have this relationship, let alone see realize and experience what potential it inhabits.
After all this time and moments like these, this big void shouldn’t be a surprise because I created it. What I created is overwhelming me nevertheless.
After I realized how utterly stupid my actions where and after I did some writing I was relieved to see that shame started to manifests within me. But I reacted very aggressively when that happened. What use is shame when it doesn’t give me clarity?
Then this deep depression manifested and I just wanted to give up completely. The energy came down and I became completely numb. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I was literally feeling sick. Luckily I can identify that for what it is! The point of regret as the fundamental point of enslavement within me!
Reflecting on the events I realize that it’s still paramount for me to keep focussing on the point of ‘trying to do too much too fast’.
And within relationships the best thing I can do is use them as support for slowing myself down. Especially when I experience myself with a partner as ‘more than I deserve’ and ‘not enough’. Within that I can focus on why I experience myself in that way and within that I can adres specific points. To give myself a window of opportunity to learn how to take action when that action is required and to be self honest about my ability to do what I can within a specific moment in time. As the present shows, It was ‘not enough’. So what’s enough? What did I miss besides not stopping myself in time?
I have a big responsibility for situations I create within relationship(s)! So it’s very important to keep my head straight and learn how to keep actively involved in directing a relationship and my standing within it. To walk that practically I need to define simple but essential rules based on the specific patterns I express within a relationship.
Practical boundaries that work within a relationship on a daily bases. A step by step method I can apply even if my days go haywire or in periods of stress and confusion. It’s of the upmost importance in relation to me as a partner. It is self evident that we have to have mutual clarity as to why these rules are defined and how they should be practically applied by both. And what to do if one of us for whatever reason fails to do so (because sooner or later that will happen)?
Like the word agreement implies, there cannot be any misconceptions from both sides regarding why we walk together and how I want to apply myself within that process in relation to a partner that walks with me.
These rules and regulations should work as tools for self intervention not as limitations regarding points where partners are having difficulty standing as support for one another. They should work for both sides in a relationship based on an equal spread of the load so that both are able to use them as constructive ways to end conflict and friction before things get’s out of control. Should that happen then there is plan B. But let’s make clear that plan B in real life always implies damage control. Something I rather avoid but prefer over the complete destruction of what was created and walked over time.
How can I ask someone to be a permanent part of my life if I’m not able to stand as that permanent point? I can’t. It would be very dishonest to sell myself the idea that that is possible. I would be expecting more than I invest. I would be out for profit! No equality there!
Both people in a relationship have to have a clear understanding of the past-present relationship in relation to what is playing out in the moment. Daily life not always gives us that opportunity and that can be problematic.
In theory one must be able to stand in whatever outflow takes place and if possible be capable of directing oneself and thus the relationship in the desired direction of a solution. If one is not capable of doing so there should be no blame.
To bring this back to myself and myself alone. When my partner is confronted with one of the tips of my icebergs and is able to adres that. I must be able and committed to fall back on the agreement and other methods agreed upon to get to a point of stability and patience within myself to be able to really asses myself within the situation and eventually share myself with my partner
Unfortunately daily life expects me to do more than just that and that’s where the whole picture has to be taken into consideration and things become a bit more multi dimensional.
I’m absolutely convinced that the whole picture of what the relationship entails is always seen and interpreted differently by those participating in a relationship. This seeing/experiencing things differently is often the root cause for questioning each others commitment and responsibilities within a relationship. So how I see someone else’s reality is never to become a projection of what I think is real or true!
It still raises the hairs in my neck seeing in that sense what resides within me and what I am able to do to other people in the best and the worst sense. The voices in our heads are never silent and I better listen carefully.
The challenge for me is to stay connected to here and time shit right thus allowing someone else to be able to be a partner. Where I can assist my partner without sidetracking and without me becoming a burden to such an extend it destroys the balance thus our equality within and as the relationship.