Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 48-2017 07 20

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 16:26

Reactions to an Instagram account

Today is noticed someone's Instagram account coming back online. So I scrolled through the pictures and I noticed that myself and other subjects where removed from this persons timeline except for two pictures referring to me as that someone's best friend for life. Now a reaction came up within me and two points are opening up here.The first is me wondering why a person calling me a BFF is removing my presence from a personal account? Two, the realization that my perceptions of what a BFF is must be different than those of this person.

Our social media and the way we present a picture presentation of who we are or pretend to be says a lot about how we want the world around us to perceive us. So why is this person’s so selectively removing specific pictures of me and us together from this timeline presentation? Why this selective self censorship? Is what is left online a redefined picture presentation of how this person perceives and defines our ‘friendship’ our world and collective reality? Is what is left out something unwanted*? Things the world is not allowed to see? As with everything in this reality, what we are not allowed to see is way more specific and relevant. So let me look at this point because it’s fascinating.

Within my line of work we call this type of behaviour image making. It’s specifically done in relation to ’brand direction’ and ‘brand management’. That means the choices made in relation to ‘image’ are always from a strategic starting point. There is a purpose for doing this and that purpose is specific. From that perspective I find it rather fascinating because ‘brands as valued images’ are well aware of the fact that what you present to the brainwashed world has to be repetitive, consistent and in line with what the brand wants to project into and get back from the world. You give as you would like to receive even if what you give is nothing more than a projected image. It doesn’t have to be real! Every brandmanager knows that you make sure nothing ends up online before it’s in line with what has to be projected. From that perspective the removed pictures tell a more interesting story than the ones presented.

Apparently about 90% of my presence within that persons timeline projection is therefore not relevant or unwanted in relation to what this person wants to project. Interesting how that is communicated through images and app’s online instead of real life and real sharing in relation to this persons definition of a friendship for life. It’s so funny on the surface but I’m curious about the inner workings of the persons mind and my own apparent misunderstanding and misinterpretation of how I see this person and the reality we shared as so called BFF’s. So the question arising is how do I define a best friend for life? How do I define true companionship and what does that entail on a practical level in relation to my own observations and definitions of a ‘real’ relationship.

From my perspective I can only conclude that our perceived friendship must be part of projections related to multiple changing definitions this person has with me as a so called BFF. I’m looking at this point from the perspective that everything I’m looking at in this reality is a projection of myself reflected back as what I manifest into this world. So how do I define friendship and to be more specific, how do I define or redefine what a friendship is when I define and place a person in my life as a ‘best friend for life’?

If two people walk a so called ‘intimate friendship’ long enough, they walk a relationship. And as with all relationships, within that friendship you either move away or towards each other. As we become more familiar, at ease and intimate with ourselves and that other person, we go through a phase where trust develops. This should originate from self trust but that’s the tricky bit. Friendships/relationships often start as mutual interests and being able to stand as mutual support (with a fair amount of suppressed co dependence). We are on this ship together an often sail whole parts of the journey blind. Within that we fail to see undeveloped aspects of ourselves as sailors in the mirror as that other person and vice versa. And within that we often start focussing on the negative as if that where a threat to the equilibrium called ‘a friendship”. The delicate balance two people try to obtain within and as a relationship and what that represents.

Is it not the positive within my relationships that pulled the veil over my eyes in the first place and did it not happen repeatedly? Isn’t that a mind fuck. Making these positive experiences, memories, feelings and thoughts into the reference points for what I define the relationship has to be? How is this focus on the positive balance, stability or objectivity if my focus and actions are one sided? If I’m one sided my relationship will become ‘one sided’.

Within intimate friendships/relationships and over time we all get to a point where we are confronted and start to see the skeletons coming out of the other person’s closet. Actions and reactions that are new to us. Stuff that’s alien. Stuff we cannot place within our own reality. Habits, behavior and aspects not even our family, children or the public are aware of. Stuff I need to suppress all the time if I want to keep my self created Instagram persona online in my head. Until I cannot longer keep track of all the parts keeping this self created monster together and I blow the lid off. That’s where I end up in situations where I see my partners scared when I feel fine. We see our partners ecstatic when we feel rather depressed. We see them calm and relaxed when we are behaving uptight and agitated. They freak out in situations where we wonder what the fuck is wrong? Within relationships we become the mirrors and spooky reflections of what is actually wrong with us if we dare to take a look.

We think we know our so called partners through and through. We start to make assumptions to who they really are and what is going on. What we often fail to realize and see is that we are actually looking at layers we are peeling off of ourselves as that other person. At the same time projecting our self judgement and other bullshit that comes up inside of us unto that other person without realizing it. And that is painful, counterproductive and unacceptable.

I might start to hear inner voices asking (sometimes legitimate) questions about who this other person really is? Do we really want to spend so much time of our lives with these characters? Why are we doing this to ourselves? And every time we partly succeed in either avoiding, suppressing or projecting these observations and behavioural constructs connected to our so called ‘partners’. We give them time to root and develop better camouflage. This shit originates from the deeper parts of who I have programmed myself to be and the human being I have allowed myself to become. Seldom are these points and situations seen for what they are in the moment and addressed as such by both people participating. And because so much shit is unresolved, not defined and redefined, the unbalance becomes bigger and harder to correct. This often turned my relationships into snowploughs that accumulated to much snow to plough!

Within relationships this focus on what we want as the positive as these wishes, these wanna haves, need little time to cook and any specific moment related to this suppressed positive chaos within me result in the opposite. Where I see myself expressing myself outwards in negative possessed, unstructured outbursts of anxiety, frustration, disbelief, anger, pain, shame, grief, depression, giving up, walking away, etc.

From a process perspective getting to these moments is exactly what it’s about. Relationships show us who we are very quickly and speed the proces up. Being able keep up is where the practical challenge is! In relationships we get to the points we have to face fast. It’s dealing with them together collectively in reality and over time that shows us who we really are within our actions as the definition of the word ‘friendship’ and what that really practically means. Seeing myself in these moments where the curtain comes down enables me to see an uncensored version of who I am and who we are as so called ’partners’ within a relationship defined as ‘best friends for life’ (I have to laugh very hard at this point).

SF
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
define and judge a person based on the picture presentation of this person I see on social media wherein I am defined as this persons BFF seeing and realizing that this persons definition of friendship related to how this person perceives a BFF as these removed pictures is apparently different from mine?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
define and judge a person who's selectively removing me from this timeline presentation on social media as selective self censorship and within that allow myself to think that what is left is the definition of our ‘friendship’, our world and collective reality according to who that person ‘really’ is not realizing that within this I am looking at a desired picture presentation constructed from another mind based on projections and thus I’m reacting and judging based on virtual reality within a virtual reality which is stupidity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and conclude that from this person’s perspective our friendship, as the picture presentation on a social media timeline must be part of a multiple persona related to multiple relationships this person apparently has experienced with me instead of being patient and wait what reality as real life will reveal as ‘the truth’ within this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within the real and raw reality of practically living a friendship/relationship, I’m always looking, seeing and make assumptions from a preprogrammed and distorted perspective and within that I see and realize my reality as the relationship is but a projection of myself reflected back as what I manifest into this world as how I have defined and lived relationships for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeing myself in relationships take sufficient time to evaluate and come to a clear understanding with and within myself in relation to my standing, principles and actions within and as my actions in relationships and to be more specific, the relationships, emotions, feelings and opinions I form when a person defines me as a ‘best friend for life’ and within that I see realize and understand that future relationships that become intimate need absolute open clarification from my part as to how I define or want to redefine what a BFF, friendship and or a relationship is seeing realizing that that is giving a potential partner the best possible chance of forming a ‘real’ partnership based on the ‘real deal’ here instead of the pictured timelines in our heads thus giving myself and a partner the ability to participate and walk our common journey on the most equal of bases.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I did not became more at ease and intimate with myself and the other persons in relationships and within that not allowing myself to walk the relationship to it’s full potential as a place and phase where real self trust can develop based on seeing reality as myself reflected back by the other person and within that I forgive myself for not being able to identify and differentiate shared pleasure, intimacy, mutual interests and mutual support from destructive patterns of co dependence thus instead of walking the relationship as a place to develop self trust in order to minimize co dependency and the ability to stand more equal and able to embrace more of myself and thus the other person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get on board the relationship and not see realize and understand the importance of constant evaluation and awareness when it comes to the importance of navigation within the principle of traveling together instead of alone and within that the real time and effort it takes, seeing realizing from the experience in former relationships that two captains on one ship requires seriously high level of communication, professionalism and self responsibility, knowing seeing that on relationships we often have to sail parts of the journey blind and or alone and within that seeing the opportunity to experience and develop undeveloped aspects of ourselves in the mirror that other person represents and vice versa instead of allowing myself to occupy myself with ‘the positive’ as if that where a threat to the equilibrium we as self defined BFF’s should have within and as our relationship and what it represents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my life and over time create misconceptions by focussing on the positive within my relationships seeing realizing that by doing so I pulled a veil over my eyes whereby I disabled myself to see the consequences of doing so for real and within that I Realize I will have to face these consequences as the repeated outflows of negativity as conflict and friction within the reality of relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make positive experiences, memories, feelings and thoughts into the reference points for what I define a relationship has to be and within that I see realize and understand that this focus on the positive is in no way creating balance, stability or objectivity because within that I can see that my focus and actions are one sided and if I’m one sided my relationships will become ‘one sided’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand from my own experience that within intimate friendships/relationships and over time I will get to a point where I am confronted with myself and my partner as the skeletons that are coming out of our closets within and as our ‘negative’ actions and reactions that play out in our relationship and within that I realize that as such these experiences are new and alien to us and within that I realize that these alien things as my habits, behavior and hidden patterns are the real point to focus on if I want to deprogram myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with these self created ‘Instagram profiles’ until I cannot longer keep track of all the parts keeping this self created persona together and thus allow myself to fall into pieces and blow the lid off making myself co responsible for creating situations where I see my partners scared when I feel fine or ecstatic when I allow myself to feel depressed or see my partner calm and relaxed when I am behaving uptight and agitated and within this allow situations to direct me instead of me directing myself within the situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that my relationships are mirrors and spooky reflections of what is actually wrong with me if I dare to take a look and within that I forgive myself for avoiding these confrontations with myself and within that allow myself to believe I know my so called partners through and through and thus have the right to make assumptions to who my partners realy is and what is really going on for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that walking a relationship is actually me and my partners dealing with layers we are trying to peel off of ourselves as that other person and within that I failed to see and accept that my reactions towards my partner are in fact always my own projections of self judgement and other bullshit that come up and within that I realize that that actually abuse and unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become and act as characters and spent my whole life being distracted by situations created by these self created entities and within that I forgive myself for not questioning myself in moments of conflict as to why and how I’m doing this to myself and within and from those experiences allowed myself to avoid, suppress or make projections unto my partner and former relationship experiences with so called ‘partners’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to program myself to become as a person as a persona, a human being that is unresolved thus unbalanced thus not stable and within that I forgive myself for not acting upon the notion that unbalance if not corrected leads to more unbalance which in turn makes stabilizing a manifested situation of conflict even harder and within that I forgive myself for the fear, potential and the irreversible interpersonal disasters I created by not taking action within relationships out of fear for the negative reactions my relationship partners might have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within relationships focus on and fear what we want as the positive as these ambitions, wishes and expectations of a common future as the relationship, seeing realizing that by doing so I’m doing my share of creating the opposite instead of creating a balanced walk that is in sync with what is here and playing out as the actuality of me and my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to spite as a coping mechanism instead of using moments where I see myself expressing myself outwards in negative possessed, unstructured outbursts of anxiety, frustration, disbelief, anger, pain, shame, grief, depression, giving up, walking away as physical opportunities to change the way I handle my impotence in relation to addressing and dealing with what I have to face as my self created reality as conflict within relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that relationships show us who we are and speed that proces up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not able to keep up realizing that by doing so I’m all ready giving up and not allowing the relationship to get me to the relevant points fast and within that I forgive myself for not giving the best of me within dealing with relevant issues between me and my partners and do that collectively thus allowing my relationship to show me who we really are within our actions as the definition of the word ‘friendship’ and what that really practically means within and as a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit myself to give myself sufficient clarity and understanding when it comes to redefining the concept of ‘best friends for life’ and what that really means to me on a practical daily level and within that I forgive myself for becoming unclear and unresolved in relation to how I want to live friendship and relationships in general, realizing seeing that a partner can not have clarity regarding me if I am unclear myself.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 49-2017 07 22

Postby mikelammers » 23 Jul 2017, 17:26

So what came up after my previous writing is that it’s indeed ‘all in reverse’ here! Over time hidden points revealed themselves to me as I revealed myself within relationships. Possessed moments within relationships between me and my partners that where so messed up and dark. Who is able to stand with a person going trough so much shit behaving like a lunatic? Who can get him or herself together after being blown to pieces after these possessions in relationships? Within that I realize that no one was ever meant to stand up within a relationship. I was trapped so well by my own mind.

I listened to an interview I experienced as great support. What was interesting is the point Joe opened up where you can be aware of going through a rough time but be fully aware of it and not letting it interfere with who I am here as the observer, the way I treat others and myself within going trough a tough time versus allowing myself to become completely possessed and be lost in there and create shit. I can relate to this point seeing myself dealing with possessions in the past versus how I’m handling myself at the moment after walking with someone else for more than 7 years. I will have the occasional disaster and fall but I pick myself up and correct myself much faster. After all, It’s how I get up after I fall that really shows me who I am, not the other way around. And that’s exactly how I should embrace a partner I defined as someone I want to have in my life permanently on a practical level. Especially in a relationship and as partners when we get more stuff to deal with in reality.

I have broken some bones in my life. I have been in hospitals more than once. I realize that sometimes getting up after a fall takes more time than anticipated. I tend to misjudge the severity of my injuries and the damage done. So I can relate to what was spoken and like Sunette said “it was beautiful”. Sometimes in my life the damage was so irreversibly big that things would never be as they where before. I have experienced that and the fact that resisting that reality will only make accepting the whole rehab process more difficult. It’s the same for everything I am not able to fully or immediately direct in my life because of possessions where I became certain points and was unable to be here and see myself acting out. Deep inside I know this and there is a lot of fear connected to this point. How will I be able to embrace the unknown of a partner I define as a BFF if i’m not capable of embracing myself completely within the same point?

A few weeks back I came across this quote “you cannot make an omelet without braking some eggs”. The world is full of these management and prepping one liners that reveal a hidden truth in common sense.Translating this kind of simplicity into consistent practical behavior and real change is something I really enjoy and wan’t to commit to. I will encounter many more situations within relationships that are unknown to me or where I am without experience. Finding good working balance and a clear understanding with my partner is key especially if we both have different lives and responsibilities. I’m very sensitive to stress. Especially on a physical level. It literally hurts me and it has an instant effect on my spine. For the last 7 years my spine has had some kind of misalignment mostly with lot’s of discomfort and pain. That’s partly related to money because that point was not moving and without money there is no movement.

Points opening up and the solutions they ask for require and are part of a proces, a timeline of causality. Solutions are never here at once. Because the point that is faced and the questions that needs answering are never that one point! There is always more! I am programmed to fuck it up and by now I know I wil fall a lot of times for a long time. Until it stands they say… So within this is the point of patience, willpower and dealing with consequences. Outflows of my expectations, projections and behavior within relationships, where I face myself as the creator of what is playing out within me as the relationship. And even within that point I realize I will continu to separate myself, judge someone else for not doing enough or being the reason for shit that just happened because I keep failing to see that shit in real time within myself first. Eventually it all ends with facing the horror of myself within this reality as my self responsibility as what I accept and allow as my behavior as the ways I deal with situations as who I am and allow myself to be. For me to get to relationships 2.0, is making sure I listen to that one voice inside me that almost never speaks and deal with braking eggs in the right way instead of making projections about the perfect omelet!

It’s so cool and at the same time so horribly painful to see parts of the true nature of who I am revealed within my relationships. Again I have to ask myself the questions. How can I be a permanent part of someone’s life if I’m not able to stand as that permanent point? What is that permanent point? How does my partner want to live this point? Do we really want to live it together? And what is that ‘it’? Where is our common ground within this? Am I able to live a relationship knowing that my partner is part of a reality I created and manifested as me as my positive projections. Seeing the mechanism that is my positive projections in relation to the negative I suppress. The shit I’m to afraid to deal with and hide as who I am as the horrible sum of my parts. Seeing the fastness of my reality within and as my responsibility as the action to embrace the positive and the negative within me and others. Can I embrace and live the reality of me and how would I like others to embrace me? These questions are elementary and demand answers in relation to how I want to walk my relationships, self-agreement and friendships in the future. What I see is that Intimate relationships require a way more absolute standing and management than my self created Instagram image. That intimate relationship I had with my partner was fucking real and in within that it’s impossible to hide behind a picture presentation. Not my social media propaganda but my intimate relationships show the brand I really am and the points I should be working on. Thanks Instagram for showing me this!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize on a practical level how deceptive hidden points within me can reveal themselves within a relationship while walking this process of revealing myself with someone else and within that I forgive myself for underestimating the severity and fastness of these hidden patterns within me and my partner as these messed up and dark moments where I go through the experience of finding myself and my partner at our lowest point and our worst behaviour and within that I see realize and understand that it can come to a point where no one is able to stand and everything falls and within that I see and realize that it will take time and effort to come to terms with myself in relation to the events leading up to this situation before I can take on the next process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, think and convince myself that I was never meant to stand up or be able to stand within a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not focus on how I carry myself within standing up within myself within moments of conflict within relationships and within that I see that this can lead to a fall and within that I see realize and understand that someone who is in a relationship with me can not accept that behaviour even if that person is convinced that he or she wants me to be in his or her life permanently and within that I see that it’s about me expressing to the best of my abilities who I am within and as my actions that permanent point within someone’s life and that other peoples preferences, competences as projections are completely irrelevant in relation to the development of that relationship seeing realizing that the starting point for every relationship is the relationship I have with myself and create with myself!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to albeit going trough similar experiences before, I underestimated the intensity of energy residing within me that came out during this brake up and within that I realize that getting up and stabilizing myself after a fall like this takes time and within that I forgive myself for not acting on the subtle signals that where already in my reality warning me that something was slowly but surely going haywire and within that I forgive myself for not taking the effort to reflect on similar events in the past and use them as the lessons I learned to approach situations like these to prevent the damage from becoming so big that things will never be as they where before seeing realizing that resisting and suppressing painful points will only make accepting reality more difficult and within that enable myself to fully and immediately direct myself towards a solution that is best for all within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not enabling and training myself more within the point of translating simplicity and common sense into consistent real change and behaviour and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough, never enough, a failure, seeing realizing that I’ve done more than was healthy in relation too the challenges I was facing and within that I forgive myself for not being able to see the whole multi dimensional picture of what was unfolding within me as the relationship and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that finding solutions within relationships as projects require preparation, planning and labour and that solutions are never here at once and within that I see realize and understand that when I face a point within me or another person it’s never that one point but merely the tip of an iceberg and within that I forgive myself for focussing on those tips instead of looking for the origin of that point as it’s presenting itself within and as the hidden dynamics of my relationship!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not redefine the words patience and balance into a practical workable format I can apply in daily life as a reflex as a method as a tool too keep myself grounded and stable in order to allow myself to become aware of the strings of cause and effect in real time within and as myself as my actions and the consequences thereof

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to verify with my partner in real life and within and as real constructive labour what it practically entails to address the foreseeable outflows of our common expectations, projections in relation to our common experiences within and as our relationship and where those can potentially lead us in regards to a common future where I will be a permanent part in my partners life, seeing realizing we will have to walk and face ourselves as the creators of our reality and the possible scenario’s that are likely to play out between us, seeing realizing that within that point I will continue to separate myself if I do not have a firm stand based on the relationship I live with myself as an equal partner and within that I forgive myself for judging my partner for not doing enough or being the reason for shit that is playing out and within that I forgive myself for not addressing my own demons first, seeing realizing that in order to stand as a point of stability within a relationship I need to stabilize myself first in relation to known aspects, behaviour and trigger points within me that can potentially cause problems between me and my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that within these processes it eventually always ends with facing the horror of myself and someone else, not realizing I have a big part to play in how things work out in my reality within and as HOW I walk with someone within this reality as the ways I deal with this person and the situations and who I allow myself to be within that as my actions and reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that for me to get to relationships 2.0, is making sure I bring myself to that point where I am able to hear that one voice inside me as me here and focus on braking the eggs in the right way instead of making projections in my head about the perfect omelet!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become agitated, frustrated and locked-up seeing parts of the true nature of who we are as partners within and as this relationship we walk and within that I forgive myself for suppressing my fear for my own fear as the anxiety related to the relationship experience with my partner and the point that within relationships all shit will eventually be revealed and within that I forgive myself for not reflecting on what I can practically do and not do to give myself and my partner a fair change and clarity in relation to dimensions revealing themselves within the point of me fearing the unknown in relation too becoming a practical and permanent part of someone’s life and what that practically entails for the both of us in daily life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make past experiences and moments of conflict between me and my partner into projections and assumptions of what is possible and impossible between me and my partner and not sharing these points self honestly with my partner, seeing realizing that this is a moment where I fail to take self responsibility and instead decide to suppress myself hoping that this potential new process will work itself out and within that I forgive myself for making my partner’s proposal into a self for filling prophecy within the point of me thinking and assuming that my partner also knows that our joint history as a relationship in no way suggests that being together is a good idea and hearing my partner speak out that proposal thus judging that proposal as some sort of confirmation or compliment instead of a legitimate proposal I have to take seriously and see for what it is, being the start of a new process thus everything as us as the relationship redefined and within that I forgive myself for completely failing to see these dimensions opening up as I write them down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see within me the way I unconsciously sabotage moments of resistance as fear as the real opportunities for change within relationships and instead allow myself to secretly and selectively focus on positive projections in relation to the negative within my relationship and within that hide the true nature of myself as who I am as the sum of my parts and within that I see realize and understand that this is my mind doing what it does best which is letting me sabotage my own process of changing for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for my responsibility to embrace the positive and the negative within me as who I am as the totality of me within a relationship and within that I forgive myself for creating and projecting a censored view/image towards my partner seeing realizing that by doing so I’m actually creating a negative shitstorm in the future and within that I see realize and understand that all I can do within a relationship is embrace, share and communicate all of myself as a living example of how how want to I live a relationship as I would like others to embrace me and live and share themselves with me within and as relationships.



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viktor
Posts: 1336
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby viktor » 24 Jul 2017, 06:47

Cool Mike,

Interesting points about how we are able to hide behind our fake image, though only from certain people. I had this moment at work where a pattern came forth that I usually only access with my siblings. It has to do with me getting 'too' fired up and passionate, and defensive, about a particular topic discussed. And so, I went into this at work – afterwards I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Though, I realized, that this embarrassment and shame was because this pattern contradicted the 'work image' that I wanted to project while at my work – hence it was not 'in line' with the image I wanted to portray. However, it was fascinating to see that, when I was at home, interacting with my siblings, this pattern was acceptable, even though it was the same pattern.

So, this showed me that I have different images I want to project in different parts of my life, and in certain parts of my life, I am less picky, and allow more shit to come through in comparison to others. That is obviously not cool, and hence, my aim is to have the same expression/stand regardless of whether I am at home or at work, in terms of what I accept and allow, and what I do not accept and allow on a internal level – that should not differ depending on who I am with or where I am.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby mikelammers » 24 Jul 2017, 10:32

Thanks for the feedback Viktor! It's awesome to see that my lowest points experiences here can clarify points for someone somewhere in Sweden!



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viktor
Posts: 1336
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby viktor » 28 Jul 2017, 09:18

Hehe, yes cool



mikelammers
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Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 50-2017 07 30

Postby mikelammers » 30 Jul 2017, 15:11

Rant and rave about creating mutual understanding and stance regarding personal and professional lives within a relationship.

Also here I have experienced a lot of trouble and frustration because my partner has been out of the professional environment for more than ten years and has limited insight and experience within the actual corporate and commercial market environment. I had weeks where I worked more than sixty hours under severe stress and I noticed she had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually took me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment in this time frame

She really tried to be understanding and flexible and that was cool. However, from my experience that primarily remained intellectual understanding and not experience or seeing the specifics of what it was that I had to do and go through on a daily bases. She knew I was busy and under a lot of stress. Dealing with it and understanding it on a practical level as a ‘partner’ was apparently something else. I saw her doing her best to stand with me to the best of her abilities and I highly respected that because no one had ever done that on this level. I had never seen her committed to that role! It was new, refreshing and it was very supportive from the perspective of knowing my partner really practically tried to stand with me while I was doing my best to create momentum for myself. From that perspective the definition of ‘internship’ describes walking an agreement much better than the word ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ for that matter. You cannot beat the experience of doing it yourself and you cannot make projections about what you are going to experience. You simply don’t know. What you know is that you will encounter a lot of situations that are going to be completely new and maybe frightening. Moments that require self-direction. And only by going through the physical process of finding out what the situation requires within and as movement as practical solutions will determine what I take out of the ‘internship’ as practical experience. That’s what’s cool about an internship versus me having a lot of knowledge and information but no practical experience to use to produce physical solutions within and as awareness as physical actions that can be traced back to me within and as me walking a relationship

My partner really tried to be understanding and patient with me although she isn’t the patient type at all. Over the years I have experience first hand that If she wanted something, she usually wanted it right away. It was quite funny actually because this drive of her can really get things done as well. I always tried to assist and looked for ways to help her realize what she wanted. The problem was being involved and thus I became connected to those choices she made even if they turned out to be costly and failed experiments. This created a few situations over the years where after her failed experiments I was faced with hidden blame simply because I was now apparently connected to that created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choices my partner made. I always tried to prevent these situation by giving as much perspective as I could before she decided to do something ‘big’. Seeing that as the only thing I could do to give her as much options to choose from and create a clear image of what it was I saw her getting into.

However I can conclude that I have never succeeded in stopping her beforehand from making decisions. I wasn’t always sure about her endeavors. However, expressing doubt in those moments mostly made her more determined to go through with what she had in her head. I am familiar with this point because it’s something I see myself do as well. Within her behaviour she could be a real diva within this. Luckily her moving to the east of holland grounded this point more or less. She eventually had to rent her own house and had to manage her own life and everything in it, including the financial aspects. A changed financial situation with a fixed amount of money available per month meant she became much more aware of the value of money in the practical sense. And soon after that I saw that she really started deprogramming this ’rich bitch character’ within her. But occasionally, I as ‘a man’ was confronted with true diva behaviour and disdain. These moments where a real struggle for me and there was little too nothing I could do or say to make her change her mind or attitude.

Luckily she had that reality check after her divorce and she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money. In the past she spited me occasionally for not having enough money without ever taking the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed. Let’s put it this way. She could be very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt from my perspective. I frequently had this feeling that I was of little to no influence on her. That I eventually didn’t matter! That same point was manifesting itself again before we had our last confrontation. So it’s still there. Also within her reaction to my backchat there where still these connections she made where she blamed me for letting her down, not being there enough and not finishing what I started. And within that I became agitated and very angry. I judged her as an ungrateful bitch and I really wondered why she didn’t realize that most situations she referred to where initiated by herself as her own personal choices.

So we often found ourselves within miscommunication through misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side and that’s where the physical would step in and direct the situation and show us exactly what we where doing. Where we found ourselves in the aftermaths with hands on personal experience but a lot of mess to clean up (which is a practical point and experience within relationships as well). It revealed to us the true nature of who we were as partners and what we where practically doing to direct and misdirect our lives. When I put that whole point of my work and money in front of me and look at it. I see that we agreed to push things because we both saw that’s how you progress. And I pushed for real. My problem in retrospect is, that in general she demanded way more from me than I was comfortable with and she could be very outspoken about it. In those moments I often became stressed because there was fear connected to seeing her behave like that. Like, ‘o shit, there is my old partners again’. I would also within me judge her for not taking my reality seriously and within that I would judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful. This was connected to my life and seeing my partner not being an active part of the commercial environment I was confronted with on a daily bases. How can someone judge my reality if the person does not have that same experience?

Really rich people and companies get rich by being absolute ass holes (there are a few exceptions). My partner knew this from her own experience in life. Now what does she expect me to do here? Walking my process in the night time and be a moneymaking ass hole in the daytime or something? And how would I practically switch between these two regarding my relationship? I was getting to a point within myself where it became a real burden and I started to look for ways to avoid these confrontations. The best way was to simply not talk about it or bring anything up so there would not be no reason to talk about it. After our last clash it came to a point where I thought - you should walk this shit yourself in your own life before you place an opinion or judgement on my life, a life that is not even on your radar screen in all dimensions -

I came to a conclusion (where I see that this is partly a coping mechanism of me dealing with a difficult experience). It went a long the line of: “Partner it is time you experience for yourself what it means to make your own living as a self employed individual while walking your process and a demanding relationship with two children involved like I do. If I take all the experiences and events we shared into consideration, you have time and time again shown, that albeit best efforts of managing your expectations and being patient with me, my total reality is still not seen or taken into consideration by you fully and within that you’re demands, expectations and the way you project them unto me are not realistic. So you either consciously disregard a large part of my reality or you don’t really see and realize to the full extend what my life practically entails and within that you apparently come to the conclusion that I’m not a preferred partner to walk a relationship with. From my perspective it makes no sense to ask me to be a permanent part in your life let alone that I’m able to live up to your expectations on what ever unconscious level they may express themselves”.

Now she would say that she doesn’t judge me in relation to that point. She always worked hard to get to points of clarity and she was good at it. But that’s not all she is or did. She was as much dealing with personality disorders and issues as I was. There is so much more under the surface. Every now and then it would pop up as hidden blame or an observation of sorts. If I would have seen these dimensions sooner and in more clarity, I could probably have addressed them. But not even at this point is it completely clear to me how these dynamics played out between us exactly.

Again the point of trust pops up. After a long journey that took almost 7 years you ask someone to be a permanent part of your life, knowing who that person is in word and deed with the bag of shit and everything else that comes with it. And you expect this person to see this relationship in a new context albeit the old context is still influencing every aspect of the relationship. What can you expect that other person to feel, do and base his or her actions on? Especially if that invitation is becomes a break up within no time at all. I couldn’t get my head around that pattern between us and the events it created and how they played out in real time.

Multiple moments and situations like this have presented themselves over the past seven years so one might assume that making a fundamental decision like asking someone to be a permanent part in your life is made against the backdrop of who that person is as the sum of his or her parts. A person you observed, scrutinized and walked with for more than seven years. Let’s stop kidding ourselves here. Either one sees what one is getting into or one become more specific as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life. So if that question is ‘real’ it implies that the whole person as a partner is embraced and taken into consideration including his or her bag of shit. From my perspective this confirms the fact I cannot take invitations like that serious ever again. If there is something I learned the past years it’s that such a question comes from a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of the persons on this relationship into consideration. Then there is the point of intimacy as our sex life. I was not satisfied at all within this point and I didn’t give it the attention it needed. It became an issue for me. It made me loaded and grumpy sometimes but I tried to stand with it from the perspective of sex being something that has a different meaning and expression for every individual and from that point I tried to embrace my partners and I have done so as long as I can remember.

I have behaved like an enormous ass hole and my partner as a hysterical bitch. It’s what it is and part of who we are and allowed ourselves to be. Within this brake up all that shit came to the surface and we have to take our share of the load here. I really haven’t got a clue to where we are going to end up. I have pushed myself as hard as I could and that was way too hard. It accumulated into real physical trouble that is having a big impact on my daily life. It unfortunately all came crumbling down at her place, in her and the children’s presence and that created a severe situation. What should have been a moment to face, see and open up these points became a breaking point and I fell. The consequences thereof are now opening up these points. It probably had to unfold like this and I’m starting to feel my centre again and make peace with it. There are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up. Especially because it now all seems so obvious and stupid. So here I have some more to walk before this is done. So I have to let it all go. Make a stand and focus on myself within this. She should really have that experience walking this reality without me whatsoever. I know from my own experience that If money is always there, one gets used to money. For me it’s the opposite and to have the same amount of money to spend at the end of a month she is receiving without working a job would mean working at least 60 hours a week. Integrating that into becoming a more permanent point in my partners life at that point seemed impossible from my perspective.

You can judge, have expectations or spite another person for not being successful or for not having money, but one has to realize that to make money with selling services is to bill hours. Within all of this I realize we come from two different realities and life experiences. We worked hard to bring that together and we are simply meeting up with the manifested consequences of that process. It’s also a seven year cycle so there is more to this point in time I probably realize. I have to make some tough decisions regarding the next seven years and the place I give relationships, friendships and social life within that.

The dilemma as I see it in a nutshell
• More hours-More money-Less time with partner-friction
• Les hours-Less money-Less movement-friction with partner

I talked with a female colleague about this point who happens to be self employed as well and she said that it’s impossible for someone else to understand the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it if you haven’t gone through the experience yourself. So either you are capable of truly accepting your partner within and as these dynamics and really let it go or you find someone else that fits your relationship demands. Within that I understand the inner conflict my partner might have had, because from a process perspective it simply shouldn’t matter. If there is enough common ground to walk together you should be able to do so. Sure, from a system perspective you can find a docile and following individual that fulfills enough relationship needs and you start a relationship and leave it there. But that was never our starting point.

So here I am, a-part again. Trying to figure it out and seeing the potential we as partners have together as what has all ready been walked. What I did and how I behaved in some moments was unacceptable. Moments where I had to face hard interventions by my partner. In retrospect, the interventions that took place where almost always related to me, with me as either the trigger for her personal demons or me loosing my way unable to control a possession. And within all of this I keep feeling seriously overlooked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually takes me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for the doubt/questions that arose within me regarding me becoming a more permanent point in my partners life and the answers those questions required as clear communication from my part regarding that assumption I made and within that I see and realize that my partner doesn’t have to see all the dimensions of me but only has to see me for real here giving my best to be specific and clear within my communication in relation to my doubts and fears in order to give my partner the best possible opportunity to simply see realize and understand what is realistic in relation to managing her own expectations in relation to the dimensions that will likely open up after I become a permanent point in her life and to within that enable the both of us to see for real what is and is not possible from the perspective of personal wishes and projections regarding the point of having each other as partners within and as the total sum of our parts as the starting point for what I now see realize and understand to be the start of a new process, and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that a new process requires a fresh look and new starting point from the perspective of the changing dynamics we both will face in relation to becoming more permanent parts in each others lives and the changing dimensions and obstacles we therefore are likely to encounter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the time I’m now investing in giving myself clarity by writing and self forgiveness was not available to me because of being actively involved in a relationship with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that coming to a clear understanding within myself in regards to the points opening up in relation to the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partner’s life is essential and within that I see that if these points open up within a relationship the relationship has already changed and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that this change and points opening up as this change as these questions and feelings of doubt need the same time/attention anyway and within that I realize I should have reserved and shared that time within my relationship with my partner to get to a clear understanding in order to design and program practical solutions in regards to how we want to live and shape our relationship as that new process we are both starting and within that see the necessity to come to too a clear and redefined agreement with myself and my partner because within that is the opportunity to give ourselves the best possible starting point for walking what is to come together successfully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize within points opening up in my relationship after the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partners life was asked, the necessity to always investigate and come to a clear understanding within and as myself so I can enable myself to communicate and share with my partner the specific points I see opening up and within that the observation that it is essential for my partner to see and understand these points so we can prepare ourselves and thus the relationship to move in a direction we both agreed upon seeing who we are within and as the relationship up to that point and all we bring to the table as who we are within and as ourselves including the bags of shit we still carry as our hidden patterns, as the trauma, as the potential breaking points as the points we have not yet faced and walked within and as our relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as understanding and flexible and within that place her in my reality as intelligent and flexible and within and from that convince myself she is thus interpreting intellectually and thus not able to see my physical reality and specifics of what it is I have to do and go through on a daily bases related to my self employment and within that I forgive myself for not trying to cross reference this assumption with my partner into the nitty gritty in order to understand for myself within absolute clarity what it is we have come to face as partners as BFF’s within and as our relationship as the starting point for a new process that I see is now knocking on our door(s) as a relationship that needs redefining!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and act (out) as if I was the permanent problem/cause connected to situations of friction and conflict emerging from our relationship by being involved in my partner making choices that turn out to be and are seen and judged by my partner as costly experiments and within that I forgive myself for not directing myself and come to clarity and standing within myself in order to support my partner and the stability of our relationship in moments where this construct was used as hidden blame between us as the collective sum of our parts as our projections and reactions as who we are and express ourselves in separation within this relationship, now seeing my responsibility in relation to the severe outflows these patterns had in our past and can have in the future as part of our personalities as friction in our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to failed experiments in relation to my partner as part of my relationship where I was faced with hidden blame where my partner connected me too a created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choice my partner made and within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my responsibility within this and from that point come to a clear understanding within and as myself to who I am and want to be when I communicate with my partner regarding, my doubts and inner conflict, seeing within this that creating clarity regarding the points we are facing in the moment is of the utmost importance in relation to how we deal and resolve friction as partners within and as our relationship without wasting time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I had to stop my partner beforehand from making decisions that I saw as not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant instead of focussing on getting my emotional skills to the level required to communicate my standing clearly and without energy attached from the starting point of doing what is best for all involved within the relationship before making assumptions based on what I project and believe to be, not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that an emotional mature, competent decision can also entail that I give my partner a change to fail because sometimes it’s simply more effective and thus consumes less time and within that see and understand that my partner is able to do the same and that after these moments have been directed by myself and my partner I should be grateful for having someone in my life taking the effort to let me fall in a controlled way albeit my experience within that moment and my reactions towards my partner may be completely different and within that I forgive myself for not using moments of severe possessions to the best of my ability because I react out of anger, fear and shame and within that fail to see that these are actually personal pressure cookers I can use to eat my portion of progression sooner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place and degrade myself as the handyman within my partners reality instead a boats mate within and as the definition of shared responsibility for our relationship while out at sea in the system within the point of priorities required to get to a clear understanding of the actuality and coarse of our relationship and what it practically requires to keep the relationship in sea worthy shape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that walking these relationships points is not walking these points only to get to a clear understanding of them for myself but for my partner and everyone facing these dimensions and events within relationships as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing that even my self forgiveness can be a mindfuck instead of a process to become self-centred in the right sense of the word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become too computerized and rigid within my approach to daily life to see that I walk this proces to study my starting points as the blue prints of the programs I use to sabotage myself into separation within ‘all’ my relationships and within that I see that I’m interconnected and the only way to stop this is to de-connect and de program myself, especially within a intimate relationship albeit the huge resistance I experience when that relationship process demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the experiences of resistance when a process within my intimate relationships demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects, not seeing and realizing that by giving into resistance I’m actually postponing the process of getting to the specifics of why I and how I walk myself into conflict and how I can walk myself out of patterns as my resistant behaviour through witch I sabotage myself by denying myself the gift of specificity, clarity and discipline within that seeing that resistance is always a specific point and opportunity in space and time for real change and within I see realize and understand that to address my behaviour as self limitation and change that behaviour is to enable myself to become more flexible, clear and specific and literally physically train myself within and as mastering actual practical discipline as the most efficient way to change myself in real time within moments regarding points of resistance related to the negative dynamics between me and my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my backchat judge my partner as stubborn, over determined and impatient, not seeing realizing that these projections and judgements I make are but one sided projections coming from me and that they are projected by me because I’m not willing myself within these moments to slow myself down, stop, breath and first investigate for myself and within myself why I allow myself to judge a partner based on one sided parts of the picture/perspective I create within my mind and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that in these moments I’m actually all ready starting to participate within a polarized situation I am creating myself as conflict by allowing myself to become and act one sided and reactive towards my partner and within that focus on the wrong person instead of myself first as the instigator of possible friction and conflict within my relationship witch is actually my own stubbornness, impatience and inflexibility in relation to not wanting or willing myself to really change these points and within that I see that the more I push and force myself to always look at the whole picture the sooner I will be able to ‘stop myself in time and see the polarity playing out within these moments of friction between me and my partner and within that I see realize and understand that being able to do that is the start of real change within and as the opportunity to either participate within or stop my participation as the creator of polarity between me and my partner and thus allowing myself to become and be an active participant within the process of bringing these moments to a point of stability and clarity so me and my partner can walk from the same perspective in a more harmonious and simplified environment and by doing so get things done more efficiently and within that I forgive myself for not focussing on trying to bring all these points to the table in situations that require objective* and solid advice from my part and within that I forgive myself for not pushing myself more in situations of conflict within relationships out of fear of destroying my partners ‘positive moment’ out of fear for creating ‘negative moments’ within my relationships wherein I allow myself to feel judged as the one that always focusses on things that could go wrong and be the seen as the ‘spoiler of happy moments’ as the one that ‘always spoils the party’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the ‘weird one’ that ‘always spoils the party’ not seeing that this is part of who I am and how I have behaved in the past and projected myself within and as my personality and behaviour towards people, seeing realizing that within that point I’m actually the one not willing myself to change myself within this point as my behaviour as my actions and reactions and thus limit myself within the point of actual real change within and as my relationships as who I am and want to be for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner within the point of displaying ’rich bitch’ and ‘diva’ behaviour as disdain towards me and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my ability to see these specific points within and as someone else’s behaviour can only be seen by me if they are part of who I am and my behaviour as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that when I react I’m always reacting as my own creation as self-judgement in relation to the point I’m reacting too and within that I see that investigating these points of judgement in relation to how I behave as disdain should be investigated and walked first so I can be an example for myself as to how I want to deal with this point practically for myself as a living example instead of judgement towards my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that it’s hard for me or that there is little I can do or say in moments of conflict between me and my partner to make her change her mind or attitude within that seeing and realizing that I’m assuming to know my partner well enough to draw that conclusion seeing realizing that I don’t know myself well enough within the same points to draw that conclusion and within that assuming allow myself to become the instigator of more conflict instead of a directing force towards a solution that benefits the relationship thus the both of us equally seeing realizing that my partner needs experiences as confrontations with who she is and has become just as much as I do in order to be able to make choices based on actual experience and within that I forgive myself for not seeing the ability of my partner to change within and as her behaviour towards me after her divorce where she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money because of her own experience with that struggle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bullied by my partner in the past for not having enough money and within that assuming that she never took the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed, seeing and realizing that within that point I have not created sufficient clarity for myself in relation to that point and thus not for my partner thus allowing my partner to be really able to see how and what my life entails and make decisions based on that reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt and within that assume that I was of little to no influence on her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by anger and frustration based in feeling treated as ungrateful by my partner as a reaction to her backchat where she made spiteful remarks in relation to me supposedly letting her down and never finishing what I start, and within that judge my partner as as an ‘ungrateful bitch’ within the point of seeing her not take self responsibility for initiating those situations within and as situations of conflict in our relationship based on en originating from her own personal choices and within that I forgive myself for not being able to stand and communicate this with my partner from my perspective in a constructive and clear manner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and thus postpone self development through miscommunication and misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side, within that seeing and realizing that by doing so I’m creating a situation where the physical will do the processing for me by creating situations where I wil have to face myself falling and go through the experience of my lowest point and the consequences that creates as situation in my life where I loose everything and will have to face myself as the reality of me within and as time loops I wil have to walk as the irreversible damage I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
When I put that whole point of my work and money in front of me and look at it. I see that we agreed to push things because that’s how you progress. And I pushed for real. My problem in retrospect is, that in general she demanded way more from me than I was comfortable with and she could be very outspoken about it. In those moments I often became stressed because there was fear connected to seeing her behave like that. Like, ‘o shit, there is my old partners again’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner for not taking my reality seriously and within that judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful thinking that because she is not an active part of the commercial environment I am confronted with on a daily bases and within that place her as unable able to stand in my shoes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid confrontations with my partner by keeping my mouth shut or bring as little as possible to the table in relation to my daily struggle related to being self employed out of fear for my partners reactions and or judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my partner has to experience for herself what it means to ‘make her own living’ as a self employed individual while walking process and a demanding relationship because I believe I am not capable of managing my partners expectations in relation to walking a relationship with me and to within that (after a our relationship fell) convince myself that the relationship is now definitively over thus all in relation to my partner is now out of my hands, not seeing realizing that the fact my partner is not standing with me doesn’t mean my standing within and as my definition of being a partner and a BFF as myself has to change as well and within that I forgive myself for deceiving myself by concluding I cannot stand with her as my self agreement like I did in the the past as the responsibility I want to take within and as the relationship seeing realizing that this is not who I am or what to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone who’s not managing expectations towards me in a sufficient way and that within that my total reality is not seen or taken into consideration and within that I forgive myself for judging my partners demands, expectations and the way she projects them as blunt and not realistic, seeing realizing that it is my responsibility to manage expectations within my relationships from a ‘self-centered’ ‘stand-point- and in a professional way through clear communication related to the relevant points that need clarification from my part

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself instead of finding out for real if my partner consciously disregarded a large part of my reality or didn’t see and realize to the full extend, what my life practically entails and within I forgive myself for coming to the conclusion that I’m not able to live up to my partners expectations and thus cannot be a preferred partner and that from this perspective it makes no sense for my partner to ask me to be a permanent part in her life, within that seeing and realizing that I’m actually using a self created mechanism to manipulate my relationship and through that sabotage my process of self change by not testing myself for real and instead allow myself to make believes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that an experience of conflict between me and my partner within our relationship actually ads new context to our relationship and within that I failed to see and act to integrate ‘new context’ in our reality effectively and fast enough in real time, seeing realizing that from there a new perspective is revealing itself and thus the old and ‘new-context’ have to be reintegrated and redefined and within seeing that I forgive myself for not taking all of our common past and what we have created as our relationship as the foundation over the years into consideration within moments of friction in this relationship as ‘new context’ and within that take into account the old memories, experiences and unresolved issues between us seeing realizing that these will always influence the present as our action and reactions within every aspect of our relationship and within that I forgive myself for not looking specifically at these fundamental point and instead allowed myself to become distracted within and as the dynamics of daily life as this relationship instead of slowing myself down and allow myself to give myself a clear picture and perspective of what it is I am participating within as the actuality of myself within and as this relationship in order to become and stand as a point of stability and reference within and as this relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get ahead of myself as part of a pattern where I avoid confrontations with myself and my partners within moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself that by doing so I allowed the negative events that played out between me and my partners as moments of friction and misunderstanding to become destructive instead of supportive moments in time that can assist me and thus my partners to look and actually see at the actuality of who we are within this relationship we walk as our misaligned behaviour towards each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on my partner than on myself within seeing and realizing that the multiple moments of friction that presented themselves over the past seven years between me and my partner where not isolated events but the tips of icebergs, the dots I can connect and use too visualize the pattern of self sabotage and destruction I use to prevent a partner from ever asking me to be a permanent part in his or her life by sabotaging that moment beforehand out of fear of really committing myself within and as all of me to a standing within and as a relationship as myself as how I want to live a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner really sees me and understands the nitty gritty of me seeing realizing that this is impossible if I don’t see the nitty gritty myself first and that by doing so and from this point I created multiple moments and situations of friction and conflict within relationships and within that I see realize and understand that not I nor my partner can make a fundamental decision like becoming a permanent part in someones life if that point of permanency is not made against the backdrop of who I am in relation to the person I walk a relationship with as the total sum of his or her parts taken into consideration and embraced by me as an absolute standing as how I want to live my permanent part one and equal within and as a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while seeing my partner observing, scrutinizing and walking with me for more than seven years, assume that she was able to see what she was getting into within asking me to become a more permanent part in her life and within that assume that she new better than me as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life and within that I forgive myself for not doing my part of investigating for real what was coming up within me when that question was asked and within that what it was I had to prepare for practically as the points that came up when my partner asked me to become a permanent part in her life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I can never take an invitation of becoming a permanent point in someones life seriously because I failed to realize and put into action as my behaviour, as my answer, my actions that question for ‘real’ as the reality of us standing as partners embraced, where everything of us is taken into consideration including our collective bags of shit and within that I forgive myself for judging and placing my partner within the construction of being a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of us into consideration, seeing realizing it’s me who is being the hopeless romantic by believing that our relationship within a more permanent context will work itself out automatically without me having to change myself within and as this hopeless romantic for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define our intimacy as sex as not satisfying, seeing realizing that I am the one that has to change that what is not satisfying into a point of mutual support within a relationship by being a constructive and supportive part(ner) within this point and within that I see realize that I didn’t give this point the attention it needed and within that I forgive myself for making it a point of friction and conflict and within that allowing myself to become agitated instead of living and communicating in clarity how I experience and want to express myself as parts of our relationship within and as the point of ‘self-intimacy’ and sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as an enormous asshole and my partner as a hysterical bitch seeing us participating within moments of conflict and friction where we allowed ourselves to fall and behave within and as our lowest points realizing that nothing practically constructive can come from moving away instead of moving towards each other, seeing who we are as the participants as the sum of our parts as what we have walked in the past as partners all ready and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that I can take myself and my partner within and as our relationship as the point of reference seriously within and as what we walked as experiences as solutions in the past an apply them as solutions in moments of friction and conflict we are facing within our reality here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take myself into consideration completely within the point of what I was actually physically able to bring to the table within and as my actions as part of the relationship and within that I forgive myself for pushing myself too hard thus creating real physical trouble that is not supporting me to stand within and as stability as a partner as the relationship with my partner I want to live for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within possessions that accumulated into my standing imploding and crumbling down at my partners place in the presence of her children and within that I forgive myself for creating a severe situation and a breaking point within our relationship for all involved instead of using this moment as a moment of opportunity to see and open up these points within me thus enabling myself and my partner to walk through them constructively and thus allow our relationship to become the next process, seeing realizing that that moment was actually finally here for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe events that played out had to unfold like this and within that try to convince myself to be at peace with it, seeing realizing that there are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up related to my own stupidity and lack of humbleness seeing and realizing that self honest writing, reflection and sharing with my partner can reveal what I have to walk here without too much negative outflow within and as my relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to let it all go and make a stand and only focus on myself within this, seeing realizing that what I’m facing is but a reflection of myself within and as my partner as the relationship and thus the relationship is the point of focus and letting go the ultimate betrayal of myself within and as my standing as a partner as a constructive part of a relationship in whatever moment of development as the relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the only way for my partner to be able to see me as the total sum of my parts should be her experience of having to walk this reality without me in it as a self employed individual, dealing with and facing the challenges that I had to face as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone that is used to money being always there and within and from that point allowed myself to assume that my partner is not being able to stand in my shoes within the opposite point because she’s not working the same job or going through the same experience and within that I forgive myself for not trying to be more communicative within the point of clarifying who I am and how I want to direct my life as the total sum of my parts that have to be integrated into our relationship after my partner asked me to be a more permanent part in her life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, judge myself and/or make assumptions about my partner’s judgements, opinions and standpoints in relation too me being (un)successful or for not having money without investigating this into the nitty gritty in order to enable myself to get to a firm standing to who I am and want to be for real within this as the reality of me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take into consideration the totality of me and my partner within and as the relationship we walked up to this point in time, within this seeing and realizing we come from two different realities and life experiences within and as our relationship as the multi dimensionality and effort it took to move past our differences and towards each other not seeing and realizing that within that we are simply meeting with and have to deal with the manifested consequences of that process and within that I forgive myself for not being aware of the fact we where also ending a seven year cycle within that, seeing realizing that these cycles can present a real moment of chance and that these opportunities mostly present themselves as resistance and within that I forgive myself for not seeing this moment of opportunity for the real chance it was to bring myself and the relationship to the next level, within that seeing and realizing the self commitment it takes to give this point the proper place within and as my actions and reactions within relationships, friendships and social life in the cycle to come

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way of solving this dilemma I’m facing where making more hours thus more money thus creating less time with my partner will create friction and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to enter the polarity within this where I assume that working less hours will result in less money thus less movement and that doing so will also create friction with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not looking at the balance point within this equation from where I can work on a solution instead of sabotaging my process beforehand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the situation of a female colleague who happens to be self employed and sees my situation as impossible in relation to my partner understanding the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it because of not going through these experiences herself and thus this person believes my partner is not capable of accepting me within and as these dynamics and really stand within her decision of wanting me to be a permanent point in her life and within that I forgive myself for changing my stand within and as my self agreement in relation to my partner thinking it would be better for her to give me up and find someone else that fits her relationship demands better and within that seeing and realizing I have no clarity at all regarding what it really is my partners stands as within and as our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the cause and reasons for interventions that had to take place within our relationship and within that allowed myself to judge myself as always being the the one that triggered my partners personal demons not seeing realizing that we as partners are mirrors for self reflection first and within that I forgive myself for pitying myself seeing myself loosing my way and behave emotionally immature and unable to control my possessions within and as specific dynamics within our relationship and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and become the suppressed emotional state of feeling overlooked within and as a partner in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in this moment allow myself to become happy and upbeat after a positive feeling connected to an image of a situation where I see me and my partner being able to communicate came up, where I saw everything between me and my partner work out in the future based on experiencing myself here getting to clarity in relation to why my relationships always end up in the same spot and within that see and realize that I’m actually capable of giving myself clarity in relation to why and how I sabotage myself within relationships and within that I forgive myself for thinking this will have a direct effect on who I am within and as my behavior in the future and that it’s going to work out between me and my partner, within that not seeing realizing that within the definition of working out is the word ‘work’ and before anything is done the whole process and all relevant points have to be walked and worked ‘out’ before the potential of a new process will reveal itself as the reality of our relationship and within that I forgive myself to make projections in my mind regarding our future based on nothing more than a happy positive feeling of self enjoyment that came up within me as I was writing and speaking out my self forgiveness here.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
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Day 51-2017 07 31

Postby mikelammers » 01 Aug 2017, 13:38

A real relationship? Starts with my own ship. My owner-ship.

After doing some writing and reflecting on my role within and my relationships in general I have seen two points that came up repeatedly. Why they came up repeatedly, as I see it, is because of my own confusion related to how I define or failed to define friendships. Seeing this pattern, I have given myself the challenge to redefine the word friendship coming from that moment where I saw someone calling me a BFF removing my presence from her Instagram account. Pictures that defined me as that BFF. So I have now become a removed BFF. That made me wonder and within that I asked myself the question; how have I defined friendship and within that, how do I redefine what a BFF is? I have never actually looked at the design of friendship (let’s see if there is an interview) let alone try to redefine it. Besides my agreement partner I had one good friend in life. We have known each other from when we where 4 years old. We had ups and downs and even years where we didn’t see or speak to each other. But we always found each other because we where capable of cleaning the slate time after time again. Now there is a big difference in relation to doing this from a Desteni perspective or the way it is done in most ‘regular’ relationships. Friendships in the general sense have a different starting point. That makes my friendship with my best friend a good point of reference in relation to the agreement I walked with my ex-partner. I all ready came to the conclusion that from my perspective a ‘real’ relationship? Starts with my own ship. My owner-ship. What do I really make ‘my own’? What kind of ship is this? Is it sea worthy? What is this ships history? Is this ship suitable for the journey we plan to make? What is there to take into consideration if we decide to rebuild two ships into one relationship?

Now this is not the first time me and my (ex) partner find ourselves in this situation. It has happened before. I’m not proud of it but at least it gives me the opportunity to compare this experience to previous ones. Doing so reveals a pattern. Now my ex had this concept of what she calls her ‘circle of trust’. And I had the exclusive privilege of being in that circle. At least as long as I behaved according to a set of pre determined rules. My key too exclusivity! If I didn’t behave or was not able to behave according to these rules there would be conflict. If conflict was not resolved properly or if it came to a breaking point I would be outlawed and removed from ‘the circle of trust’. That resulted in no more VIP treatment and I would be expelled from the club. No more exclusivity and a boy-cott/boy-cut.

It always unfolded in a similar way. First all visible aspects of my presence would be removed from her life, starting with being unfriended on social media. Items related to me would be removed from her environment. This would also be a period of excommunication. Then, if the circumstances where right, there would come a moment where some sort of (closure) talk would be initiated. Than more time would pass as we walked separated. Then as we both found some footing and points became more clear, our options would reveal themselves. And if the right moment came and I would be stable and clear in my communication about everything involved, she would eventually clean the slate and invite me back in. A period of great intimacy would follow and if that remained stable long enough she would start to make projections and start asking questions about our future. That was also the moment I would be (re)introduced to the world on her social media platforms. Where, in the last case I was described as ‘the mister’, ‘the boyfriend’, ‘a bestie’ or BFF. Real nice gestures (that got a lot of likes LOL). I'm starting to see this as part of a pattern that was as funny as it was painful for me to be a part of.

I learned a lot in life and one important realization was that the system tends to assume that everybody is replaceable. Witch is not true from my perspective. It should be like that but it isn't (yet). The way she went about our break ups felt similar to how I have experienced ‘bad news’ conversations and the protocols used in companies when they have to lay people of. I placed this pattern in that context. It becomes business. A point on a to do list, almost a routine...

I see myself as a practical guy and I like to address problems like that. If there is a solution I will find it. If the problem can’t be fixed fast I will find alternatives or temporary solutions. I’m a problem solver by trade. I don’t have all the answers but I’m one hell of a sparring partner and idea’s machine when it comes to finding ways to do things. I dare to believe my ex partner saw this in me as well because she always consulted me when something relevant presented itself in her life. This is where I struggle to place her in my reality within the point of friendship.

Why is it that I’m excluded when the real relevant shit starts hitting the fan? Why are we unable to stop this negative pattern between us when things heat up and reality knocks on the door? Isn’t this the whole point of walking together? It’s my responsibility to stick to our agreements and I'm aware there will be consequences if I don’t. Those consequences are always related to me, my involvement and the specifics of what happened. That's completely clear to me. In many ways my relationship felt similar to how I experience myself when I’m involved in fascinating but big and complex projects. I get exited but full of doubt at the same time. I learned early that the only difference between a big and a small project is more complexity. Not complexity in the sense of more complicated but simply ‘more’. More components, more people and more dimensions to take into consideration.

This was more or less how I approached my relationship. A big and complex project. I know from experience that multidimensional projects require oversight thus an elevated view and the creation of distance between me and what is playing out. If I allow myself to get sucked into all the little details I will loose that overview. I will loose oversight thus clarity. Within this is also the reason why things went haywire the last time. Shit will happen sooner or later because it always does. No project is the same and every big project I have completed had dimensions I was not aware of beforehand. Challenges where I sucked myself into and started focussing on the small details and problems instead of stepping back in order to keep oversight. The reason this happens is always the same. Big project = more information to work with and more people involved. People make mistakes and do irrational things because they do the same thing I do when they are confronted with complexity. I start focussing on the eggs instead of making an omelet!

I struggled with complex projects and I still struggle a lot to find that subtle balance between doing things and prepare what needs to be done in real time. So for me to deal with these kinds of processes means that if challenges become more complex I have to create an equal amount of non involvement in order to maintain the right distance to create the required amount of oversight. In reality it feels totally counter intuitive to do this and it’s hard to implement this approach as real physical action and make it into a routine. As I see it, it’s the only way.

To organize large events in comparison to small events you simply need more of everything. More parking space, more food, more beverages, more first aid and more money to buy more TIME! Above all you need more PATIENCE! This is where I see how me and my partner where able to get to that same point of conflict together more than once.

friend |frɛnd|
noun
1 a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. she's a friend of mine. we were close friends.

friendship |ˈfrɛn(d)ʃɪp|
noun [ mass noun ]
the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends. old ties of love and friendship. this is an ideal group for finding support and friendship.

• [ count noun ] a relationship between friends: she formed close friendships with women.
• a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations. because of the friendship between our countries, we had a very frank exchange. the foreign ministers extended to eastern Europe the hand of friendship.

ORIGIN Old English frēondscipe (see friend,-ship) .


BFF
noun (pl. BFFs) informal

a person's best friend: my BFF's boyfriend is cheating on her.
ORIGIN 1996: from the initial letters of best friend forever.


forever |fəˈrɛvə|
adverb
1 (also for ever)for all future time; for always: she would love him forever.

• a very long time (used hyperbolically): it took forever to get a passport.
• used in slogans of support after the name of something or someone: Scotland Forever!

2 continually: they are forever on the move.
adjective [ attrib. ] informal
lasting or permanent: these puppies need a forever home | parenting is a forever job.



Ok so from the dictionary definitions there are a few things that stand out for me:

- Friendship, A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.
- Friendship, A state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.
- BFF, (best friend forever)
- Forever, lasting or permanent:

So within this a few points jump out for me.

- mutual - mutual trust - affection - forever, within and as lasting or permanent

The word “permanent” is fascinating within this context. Permanent is defined as remaining and lasting unchanged and indefinitely, lasting or continuing without interruption.

- unchanged
- indefinitely
- continuing without interruption

The first thing that gets my attention is the apparent contradiction here. Unchanged -and- continuing without interruption. This raises a question. How can a relationship continue without interruption if it does not change? So the dictionary defines a friendship as a rather static co existence between two or more people. Things continue and do not change. And now it starts making sense again because this is how most relationships play out. We do not really change so the friendship does not change and remains what it is indefinitely (most of the time). Makes sense. For me from this perpective the word ‘interruption’ becomes the key (as in interruption as conflict or friction). If the friendship remains uninterrupted it does not really change. If it is interrupted there is a break (we brake up and drop ship). But within that is also the relationship in a changed state in relation to our definitions of friendship. So interruptions in the dictionary definition are ‘brake ups’ and a ‘friendship’ is sort of a status quo situation between people that does not change and remains like that indefinitely.

So in the dictionary sense we co exist in a relationship based on friendship and accept bad behaviour, limitations, conflict and friction. Shit happens we apologize, suppress, adjust or coping mechanisms and keep repeating these cycles of co dependency. The way I see this is as some form of co existence where both people sort of live two lives, a private life and a life within and as the relationship. That private life is than seen as a point of privacy. The life that is mine and not that of my partner. Within that life I do ‘my things’. It’s my private life after all. The relationship becomes a second life. Now I start to see what is happening. Separation is created and we use one life to compensate the other. That is not balance, that’s coping with shit! Within this I see and realize that this is in no way a process of ‘walking with’ another person in equality. It’s unbalanced walking in separation.

Is this how I accepted and allowed myself to define my friendships? I think the answer is yes. At some level I always expected relationships to work themselves out … That it was all about accepting and learning to deal with our limitations and unacceptable behaviour not how to identify these points for what they really are and what I am able to do too change them. That only became clear after I met my partner and Desteni. Watching my parents for example. They have lived together for more than 50 years. At the same time they are in a permanent state of friction, reacting energetically as blame towards each other within being confronted with each other’s limitations. Nothing really changed over the past 50 years and they found some form of status quo that is (from their perspective) acceptable and manageable. In the mean time they both had heart attacks and a lot of painful situations to walk through. Situations created by a total lack of understanding of themselves and the dimensions that where involved. Just-like-me-just-like-them!

This pattern playing out between my parents was my first real experience with relationships in this world. I watched my parents relate and I imitated that behaviour. The way my parents deal with their relationship is how I accepted and allowed myself to behave in my relationships. Within that I see myself imitating my father a lot when it comes to expressing myself professionally and I see myself imitating my mother a lot when it comes to expressing myself emotionally. I use the same patterns and expressions as they do be it in a more refined way. This refined way being my lame excuse for not behaving exactly like my parents…

So if I have to redefine the word friendship, the point of ‘change’ is the first point that draws my attention because the general definition people live as a relationship is that of separation and secrecy (disguised as privacy). That’s not how I want to live a relationship. At the same time I must admit to myself that I have lived that point of secrecy in all my relationships. So if I don’t want to live a relationship like that how come I allowed myself to participate within that point of secrecy disguised as my so called right to privacy? Sure I’m not afraid to share myself. I shared my deepest darkest secrets with my partner. A lot of shit within me that isn’t pretty. But that is besides the point. It’s what I don’t share within the new stuff that is opening up as our relationship. The points I miss or fail to see because it takes reflection and writing to see! It’s the real painful stuff I don’t even want to reflect on for whatever false reason. And all that stuff is related to fear as SHAME and REGRET! The same points that determine how my social media feed is filled. That makes what people don’t share on social media so fascinating because that stuff is no projection, it’s who we really are!


privacy |ˈprɪvəsi, ˈprʌɪ-|
noun [ mass noun ]
a state in which one is not observed or disturbed by other people


So I don’t want to be disturbed. I don’t want to be bothered. Resistance against everything I cannot or don’t want to place in my reality because it’s not MY REALITY. Resistance towards any form of change that involves giving something up I place in this reality as ‘mine’ or ‘me’. In this case my so called ‘privacy’ and all thoughts, emotions and feelings I placed within my secret safe. And within that especially the points I don’t share with my partner although I see that doing that triggers frustration within me in relation to having to keep secrets from the person I really want to share myself with. And within that and over the years I see myself classifying sensitive information about myself from open to the public to top secret. How can I live a relationship from the starting point of equality if I allow myself to have a secret space for myself within a relationship? If my sharing is done selectively I will eventually have to face a completely distorted reality as the relationship. Nobody will have a clear perspective, no real decisions can be made because we totally lack oversight regarding relevant points opening up and the sequence in witch they have to be addressed.

Within this I see several reasons why sharing myself in self honesty creates so much resistance within me and why it was so hard for me to share myself with my partner. The first and most important one is insecurity. I simply don’t trust myself enough to be completely frank and uncensored with my partner. There is fear of being judged because I have been judged by my partner before and I don’t want to go through that experience again. Another important point is self-defense. I have been bullied extensively as a child and I have seen the same patterns that played out in my relationships play out in places where I have worked. And it only took so long for me to realize that hiding my insecurity behind being a loud mouth was the easiest way. Until I literally became that loud mouth by ignoring how I really felt and saw myself. I have created several places of privacy over the years. Characters I played to stay safe from the harsh reality of other peoples judgement and the power I thought they had over me. Diversions I created to confuse people so they where not able to see the real me. I allowed myself to have that privacy and by doing so choose to be incomplete. In some form I did the same in relation to my partner and my relationship with her. I tried to avoid being judged.

I faced the ultimate resistance going through the process of having to change my self definitions. Seeing myself do these horrible things and believe that my place of secrecy will somehow safe me from the consequences of doing those horrible things. The sheer amount of shit and darkness that resides within me and to than be fully transparent and open about it, who the fuck does that? So how do I want to live the word friendship? What does that word even mean to me?

Redefining friendship

An unsinkable ship constructed by two people who decided to face themselves as their own creation by going on a quest together in order to move towards each other. A journey so tough and full of hard challenges that it can only be done by two people in absolute trust together, realizing that they have committed themselves to a death defying journey no matter what! A journey into the depths of who we are on a ship that has no room for privacy, secrecy or exclusivity! A journey that will challenge everything we think we are through seeing ourselves as our behaviour as boats mates going through the same experience. A journey that will drive us apart and reveal what we have to learn to move towards each other. Where we learn how to assist each other practically while dealing with extreme conditions on the ocean called life. A journey that will reveal every hidden limitation we have placed upon ourselves. A journey that will require us to do things we have never done before. A journey where we will face the unknown. A journey where we will have to give more than our best as we will face our biggest fears and challenges as the rough sees we will have to master. A journey where both realize and act in accordance with the fact that the journey was never meant to be a pleasure cruise but an expedition into unknown territory and one of the roughest places here on earth. A fact finding mission into the deepest darkest and most secretive regions of who we are. A confronting and seemingly never-ending process of dealing with new and unforeseen challenges. And through all that the goal remains the same! Stay on your feet, stay on deck and keep sailing no matter what. There will be storms, white outs, black outs, leaks in the hull, broken masts, torn sails, damaged equipment, schizophrenia, panic attacks, wild animals, strange currents, seeing things that are not here, fatigue, no wind, navigational challenges, hunger, thirst, friction, disagreement, pain, madness, dehydration and injuries. We will make mistakes. We might even have to sacrifice ourselves to save a partner going overboard and we will be so far from land that no help will be able to reach us. We will be alone together in this indefinitely and we will again and again have to find it in ourselves to continue without interruption. And all of this will be for sake of creating this experience as this journey as the real life documentary of two people learning to expedite the process of becoming one directive principle together on this relationship as we sail forward dealing with everything reality is able to throw in front of our bow. Real understanding is an action! This is our friend-ship on witch we do our internship to experience and redefine what friendship really means in word and deed.

And within all of this I see realize and understand that it all starts with becoming my own BFF!



mikelammers
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Day 52-2017 08 03-Letting go (and passing out)

Postby mikelammers » 03 Aug 2017, 12:11

So I had this rather interesting (and awful) experience where I woke up in the middle of the night. My stomach and intestines where making noises. I was sweating cold sweat. I felt dizzy and distant, like I was on drugs. Reality came to me in a distorted slow motion. I felt terrible and disorientated. I had to crawl to the bathroom because it felt like my lower stomach was about to explode. Sitting on the toilet it got even worse. Cold sweat was dripping from every pour and it felt like something tried to pull me out of my body. It was frightening and I had to take a few moments to calm myself down because I felt panic come up. I lost my situational awareness as shit was literally pouring out of me. At the same time I felt like throwing up. For a moment I thought I was having a very realistic nightmare. I couldn’t keep my head up so I placed my head on my arms between my legs and tried to stabilize myself. It felt like my whole body was about to collapse. I took a deep breath and that’s when everything went black. The only thing I remember is that I started falling and that my head hit something but I felt no pain in that moment.

As I became more or less conscious I found myself lying in a very awkward position on the bathroom floor in my own shit. My head was face down on the tiles and I could only move my head. I was completely disoriented and I couldn’t feel parts of my body. Simultaneously shit was still pouring out of me and it took me quite some effort not to panic. That was the moment I realized this was not a nightmare but me here waking up in my physical reality. I don’t know how long I was on the floor in the bathroom. I couldn’t stand up so I lay there on the floor trying not to panic. I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening. I had this huge bulge on my forehead and a scratch wound on my cheekbone. The bulge was probably caused by me hitting the sink as I fell and the wound under my eye from trying to move my head while lying on the floor.

I realized that this was serious and that I couldn’t stay there lying on the floor. I started to get cold and I could feel the pain starting to come through in my body. It was a horrible experience but somehow I realized that what happened had to be related to points I am walking at the moment. I just knew it was related to my shit because well, let’s say this reality of me face down in my own shit was very articulate about that. The moment I realized I could cope with all the pain and discomfort I forced myself to at least get to my bedroom and my bed. I had to really force myself to stay connected to my body. Energies where pulling in all directions but I managed to get up and got the warm water in the shower running. I hung on to the sink and cleaned myself and the shower up and crawled into my bed. I lay there for a while checking myself and tried to simply bare what was happening, what a fucking trip. It felt like I was poisoned or something. I went to the toilet one more time and crawled back into my bed and passed out.

The next morning my whole body was in pain. My muscles felt like I had run a marathon and my head looked like it had been in a serious fight. The bulge on my head now completely covered the left side of my forehead and it was painful. I was exhausted and there was this feeling of huge emptiness inside me. I was not sick so I knew what happened was specific. It had to be related to points I’m walking at the moment. There was a similar event a few years back where I had a strange fever that didn’t go away for more than a week. A situation where I was also completely relieved from command so to speak. That event was so confronting, scary and confusing that I decided to have my blood examined. The doctor was not giving any indication something was wrong. The levels of white blood cells indicated my body was battling some infection but the amount stood in no comparison to what was manifesting and how I experienced myself as ‘this sickness’.

My girlfriend at the time thought it was a system of some sort that was removed. And that made more sense to me than just being sick. Especially because this specific experience of ‘feeling sick’ was completely new and alien to me. I placed what happened to me in the bathroom in that context as well. Somehow I must have been done with something and it was time. My body assisted me with getting the shit out literally. I don’t know what to make of it exactly at this point but I’m grateful nevertheless. Anyone who knows me knows that humbleness is not a virtue that is well developed within me. These moments are however very humbling experiences where it’s rather easy for me to let go and be humble and let my body take control of a situation simply because I see that I don’t have any control and I trust my body completely within taking command in those kind of situations. Also realizing that what I resist persists!

So if there are any pointers within this they are probably pointing in that direction. I’m working on some fundamental points and constructs within myself lately. I’m forgiving myself and correcting myself. One important point I now see opening up is humbleness. Self confident but humbleness within how I behave and walk my process. It’s comforting to see myself picking myself up like I did and within that I’m grateful that my body is assisting me to keep on track by allowing me to go through the real and raw experience of what it physically means to pass out because of the shit I create and to stand up and get myself on my feet again. This time without going through these patterns as long periods of time and experiences of panic, anger, spite and self pity. This time it is just the raw experience of who I am here in this moment going through the physical experience of literally shitting myself and within that I see that I’m enabling myself to become the observer as me here. Thank you physical, thank you body, thank you process!



Marlen
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Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby Marlen » 03 Aug 2017, 15:24

Man, that sounds rough, but I understand it and yes I've heard of similar situations to several people and I had a somewhat 'odd' physical phase recently also associated to opening several points up, so yep, as within so without lol.

This is the kind of things we cannot 'prevent' or 'be fully prepared for' but now that it's happened you can consider taking some preventive measures, like the soreness in your body was probably due to dehydration so, having some electrolytes to drink around there might be supportive. And yep if you also live alone then having the number of someone you could call in an emergency - whether that's friends/family or government lol - and yes, as much as these situations suck, they are also very humbling, to me it always reminds me of yes 'facing our shit' quite literally, but also getting to understand to what extent I believed that 'all my mental process' had 'no effect' upon my physical body.

So, take care, keep well hydrated, might have to replenish minerals etc... eating well, I explain more in my recent blog about this so if you want to read here is the link: 589. Exigency towards my body in essence it's about taking 'my body for granted' and kind of only becoming more aware of its 'health' and homeostasis when I see myself not being at my 100% due to yes, having to be processing stuff, which is cool actually, just like it happened with you, cool that shit's moving, literally.

Anyways here as a disclaimer, this by no means is a medical form of support, it is peer to peer experience sharing, so yes, great you consulted a doctor :)

Take care



mikelammers
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Re: Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

Postby mikelammers » 03 Aug 2017, 18:52

Thanks for taking the time Marlen,

Just read the blog you referred too. Besides the gazillion points that are in there one phrase popped out for me...
It also becomes a humbleness point to see how I cannot take my life for granted, I cannot take my health for granted, I cannot take the next breath for granted.


From this perspective Its fascinating to look back and see myself go through multiple rehab processes after ending up in hospitals because I was pushing the limits of my physical abilities too far and after that was not able to use my body in a 'normal' way for long periods of time.

While in the hospital I always realized exactly the same thing. The interesting point within this is how fast that awareness evaporated when my body sort of became normal again. I don't enjoy pain. It's simply something I learned to suck up in BMX but from this perspective I can see how simply being without pain or discomfort all ready lubricates the process of merging myself deeper into the system as normality as acceptance so I will not go back to that important realisation and use it as a point to chance myself for real!




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