Mike Lammers Blogging for sponsorship

mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 38-2015 11 20

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:22

Tomorrow is my birthday. A day supposed to be celebrated. The last party I threw was around 2000. Birthday to me was an occasion to get people (friends) together and throw a party. Meaning, drinking drugs music and loosing myself within that pool of energy. I had friends from all walks of society but there came a point I realized that the relationships I had with these people where not their relationships. It took me a while to realize that you can lubricate a social gathering of people like that with alcohol and drugs and pretend having an awesome time but after the party we all hangover to our specific placement. Over the years my birthday became a painful experience of watching myself and other people I called friends get drunk and do their best to get a long with each other for a few hours knowing that when they would meet in the street they probably not even speak with each other. My birthday like xmas became a pathetic point in space and time. WTF is there to celebrate on this planet?

Yesterday I caught myself trying to reset my date of birth on my Facebook pace in order to avoid attention to the fact that tomorrow it's that day again. And at that point I realized I was reacting emotionally. I was pissed. I don't want to be confronted with people wishing me a happy birthday? Tomorrow to me is just another day of me here in this house with my dog. Nothing will be different unless I make something happen and I don't want to make something happen and I don't want to explain myself. This is about me me me. Leave me alone, But I am alone...

I see how fucked up the whole thing is when kids are being energized in and around these events like birthdays, xmas, and personal attention. Being in the center of attention made to feel special for a moment only to have to return to ones place in line after the ceremony. Meaning being religiously worshipped. Like the baby on display touched and awed at, in the center of attention and when mommy thinks it's enough the baby is separated from the group and left alone looking at a white ceiling wondering why? We organize a party and give presents to our children because we cannot exclude our children from the ceremony all kids get when it's their birthday. We make them part of this cosmetic celebration of lifetime? WTF!

There is this intense feeling of emptiness connected to these points because within them I see the delusions and disillusion of myself and the emotional connections and addictions to excitement and entertainment. I'm kind of falling out of place as these so called friendships I have dissipate. Relationships with what? Seeing myself completely disconnected from my social environment. I start to see how hard I tried as a kid to fit in somewhere. I was on top of the world as a kid. I made sure I got attention wether people around me wanted it or not. I showed everyone around me that giving an ego one finger means it will take the whole hand. I tried so hard to fit in I fell out on the other side lol. At one point that became my adapted character. The one that doesn't fit in, the strange one, the misfit. As I started working and entered a professional environment that became a problem and I never really adapted to the corporate work floor. I cannot sit still. Have trouble listening to people. I'm inpatient and restless. I would be better of doing physical work but history evolved my job to sitting behind a computer. I'm a self constructed reality and self responsible for how I choose to deal with this fact. Now I'm here working from home. In my self created isolation with this strong force, this anger, a rage is pulling me to that point of self destruction, wanting to fuck it all up again. I know what's up and I know I have a choice. Pushing trough the resistance and not allow myself to fall into this pit is willing myself to get physical and walk trough this.

This process has it's 'low points'. Right now my birthday is one of those moments. It confronts me with what it means to become intimate with myself. That this is my reality and it will not stop or go away. This process can be painfully lonely and I better get myself together and walk before I allow it to really get to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as a child within a pool of energy towards my birthday in anticipation of getting presents and being the center of attention and enjoying that feeling not realizing that this attention is part of a ceremony to feed my ego as a drug and that these moments have nothing to do with real attention from the starting point of physical support and real understanding of what support practically entails towards children in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate these energetic experiences in relation to birthdays and holidays as a self destructive pattern of overeating, drinking, smoking just to fit in and belong to the tribe and within that compete with others to be the best, most extreme, radical participant in order to make a name for myself as the absolute lunatic that can't be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as the clown the lunatic an party animal instead of realizing understanding that I used this character and behavior to hide my total lack of self confidence and self intimacy and within that I forgive myself for being brutal, obnoxious and cruel to people for no other reason than fear of having to face myself myself for who I really was as the opposite of the character I played

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with alcohol and drugs and going of the breaks I was actually rewarding myself within the point of releasing myself, taking the pressure of not seeing realizing that using substance and allowing myself into these energetic trips is and will never be of any assistance to change myself within my physical behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in brawling about having hangovers and feeling physically drained after using drugs and alcohol in order to fit in with the guys/men realizing that this is part of the ceremonies that exist within groups as group behavior to identify people that do not conform and thus to expel them from the group so that group dynamics remain in place and do not change so I do not change and within that I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding that this is the principle underlying all systems as I am not allowed to change into a better version of myself because that would mean a direct threat to the systems in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that small achievements in life have to be celebrated with some sort of reward in order to energize myself within and as this positive energy play out and within that I forgive myself that I failed to see that after the up will be a down instead of remaining stable is the best self support I can give myself so I can walk myself out of my preprogrammed patterns will become easier with every step I make instead of allowing myself to fall every time I stand up which makes no sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and reset my date of birth on my Facebook page out of fear of having to face myself within these points related to emotinal experiences in the past related to my birthday and within to become angry and agitated towards my own date of birth which in itself cannot help being a point in space and time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people wishing me a happy birthday because I fear my own emotions and reactions related to the words birthday and happy, seeing myself as not happy and having no reason to be happy and within that I forgive myself to judge myself as unhappy allowing myself to exist in this polarity of happy versus unhappy in relation to my birthday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's about wanting people to leave me alone seeing realizing that I feel a strong desire to not be alone to be with people and share myself in self honesty not having to hide how I really feel or having to pretend I'm someone that I'm not because that's what group dynamics within a professional / social environment expect of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no choice and that I'm better of with myself living the lie of these relationship that do not support change in my life and within that allow myself to create new relationships and stability with people around me and to be patient and give myself the time to build lasting intimate relationships with people that are able to see where I come from and to stand one and equal with them as we walk this physical process of self change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand to which extend children are religiously fucked and energized in and around events like birthdays, xmas, and personal attention in whatever ceremonial form

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget how being in the center of ceremonial attention made me feel as a child, to feel very special for a moment and not understand why that moment had to pas and within that I forgive myself that I would try to recreate this feeling energy by whatever means possible not able to se realize understand the reality of myself within it creating patterns of behavior that shaped me as a person as a personality for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at how I can assist myself and thus others in this world within the point of group behavior and ceremonies and that we all carrie these ceremonial personalities with us and that in order to change ourselves we have to change these religious cosmetic ceremonies into to practical physical behavior based on common sense that supports the people around us and allows them to change and grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine for myself what a birthday is and stands for in this world and the consequence it has on children as they grow into adults

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty in relation to these points related to my birthday as the emotional connections and addictions to excitement and entertainment and the fact that without them there has to be something to replace them in order for me to feel fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and isolated and react to that in anger and rage seeing realizing that this can only lead to self destruction wherein I allow myself to fall and having to walk the whole thing again



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 39-2015 11 24

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:22

The more I write and start reading my own writings the more I notice that within the way I look at points in my life and the way I deal with them, I see myself constantly trying to externalize the points I'm facing. In other words I'm permanently avoiding to look at myself and my involvement when it comes to why I find myself in a particular situation.

I start to see that in order to walk this process this is one of the biggest obstacles because the sooner I get to my own involvement and take responsibility for it the more effective I will be in addressing the specificity of myself and correcting myself. I start to see that I'm constantly looking for excuses to postpone almost everything I do, from doing the dishes to walking the dog. There is this permanent pull within me as myself pulling me back instead of forcing myself forward.

This morning I got really pissed of by myself in relation to this and that was the moment I realized I'm fucking with myself here because I know exactly how it works. I have the discipline to get things done when need be so what the fuck is going on here?

In itself this mechanism is not new to me. I can say that my basic personality is stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative. It's how I behave and behaved all my life. It's not that I haven't changed. I have but this persona is far from gone. I can camouflage it sometimes under a thin layer of etiquette and well played good behavior but reading my own writings I can see that for the most part I'm not the most forgiving person and I have a tendency of avoiding responsibility as much as I can.

People might see it differently because I'm self employed and maybe they think that means I'm self disciplined and good in taking care of myself. I myself don't see it that way. I'm starting to realize that this pattern is very destructive in relation to my process. It's also one of the oldest because It's how I was raised and within that my father and my mother are perfect examples for me to see how these patterns function. I copied them from both and this became a big part of who I am and it's starting to bug the hell out of me. Also within this I have blamed my parents extensively for ending up like this.

One of the most prominent points is this unwillingness within me to investigate my actions self honestly and objectively without judgement, admit mistakes, take responsibility for them and move on. Instead there is this circle where I see myself excusing myself, judging others, circumstances, myself instead of taking the opportunity and effort to investigate and walk trough these patterns forgive myself and grow. I see the principle and I keep falling back into these patterns. And within that I judge myself for knowing but not acting. In all self honesty I see that I'm basically a fucker wit a capital F and that I better accept that and work with it. These are old habits and this is what I have to deconstruct and that starts with sitting here and writing things out.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility when and as I find myself in a situation where I missed a point and thus create situations where other beings will be involved and thus I make my problems their problems and within that I forgive myself for making my lack of self responsibility other beings responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time and time again sabotage myself by not willing myself to come to a point of physical action and move trough my resistances and instead allow myself to hold back and distract myself with mind games seeing realizing this is a physical process thus instead of playing mind games it's about moving myself forward within and as physical movement to physically get things down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate and take the time and effort to really take a self honest look into myself in relation to these patterns of self sabotage and procrastination that keep me from getting somewhere because I see realize and understand that If I don't change my physical behavior my physical reality will not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand how subtle this silent backchat can be that makes me come up with excuses before I give myself a change to just get up and do what needs to be done in my daily reality from a common sense perspective in relation to my daily responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents as stubborn, egotistical, self righteous and manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to camouflage my egotistical behavior under a thin layer of etiquette and cosmetic good behavior within that seeing realizing I'm creating a personality that I have to keep up and is unforgiving towards others and within that I see realize and understand that these are self destructive patterns I accept and allow to exist instead of forgiving myself for these points and redefine what it means to be self honest within my actions and physical behavior towards other beings and things that simply need to be done in order to support myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within the point of creating for myself a platform of self intimacy wherein I allow myself to simply look at myself and my behavior without judgement to enable myself to identify my behavioral patterns and thus the possibility of changing them thus myself within the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not acting upon seeing myself fuck up and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as a fucker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility when I see I made a mistake and within that find an excuse or an external factor for not having to take responsibility for my own actions and within that try to hide myself and



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 40-2015 11 25

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:23

Someone gifted me 3 interviews from the Eqafe store. One of them (the wall of shame) addresses points regarding broken relationships/agreements and getting communication going again. I noticed a very strong reaction within me coming from my chest going to my vocal cords. It felt like I was loosing my voice. So as I was listening to the interviews they all turned out to be very specific and related to my personal situation at the moment. The first thing that came to mind was that only two persons in the world are able to now the specifics of my situation to he point of giving me these interviews one of them my former agreement partner. If not than the coincidence is to bizarre for words.

I'm still in the process of stabilizing myself after a pretty crazy period where a lot of stuff accumulated and had to be directed, not only for myself but for my partner and her kids as well. Within all that I couldn't balance myself and within the mayhem our agreement ended in a horrible shout out where we both faced ourselves at our lowest point. We had extreme situations before that where hard and problematic. But we always got past the issues because we both realized that that is what walking an agreement eventually is about. It always brought me face to face with who I am within my actions and reactions towards my partner. And after that there are only two options. I walk or I don't. That's where these interviews hit home. Walking this process with someone intimately for more than four years and not having that platform anymore feels eerie alien to me right now.

There are so many points leading up to and related to the events that took place and where I would normally find myself talking / sharing myself with my partner in order to get to solid ground there now is this experience of myself floating in this big empty space. A space I have to fill with myself again. I see a lot of my reactions are based on emotions I connect to relationships. Through these interviews I realize that getting myself stable again starts with mapping out my emotions and feelings in relation to what happened and to get clarity about the mistakes I made and the relationship I have to those mistakes. What my actions where and what I have accepted and allowed within them.

Eventually this should clarify the consequences and outflows. I see that I shouldn't let these events define who I am (but) who I am determined what happened and that's a tough nut to crack. I can start to redefine myself in relation to what happened and the mistakes I made. And what I start to see and realize is that me taking things personal is at the core of the construct I'm facing. It's the root cause of most of my internal contests / conflict (-con flic-). Ad to that this oversized male ego and here is my recipe for disaster.

It is the story of my life. Insecurity leads to taking things personal and feeling attacked which leads to defensive behavior that leads to conflict. It's a pattern and it led to loosing my footing in the physical. I lost my physical senses and became possessed by the energies. It's not that I could have caught myself in everything, therefore some patterns are to deeply rooted into my being and this last outburst was beyond words. I can give myself some slack concerning the past years and what I have walked. My partner faced one of the most suppressed parts coming out of me at a moment in time that couldn't be worse. As I'm writing this I feel how I'm suppressing the shame connected to my behavior in my neck and shoulders.

It's now up to me to start to track back where I came from and connect the dots.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally listening to an interview and connect points within the interview regarding broken relationships/agreements and getting communication going again to myself and within that suppress the possibility of me doing exactly that out of fear of facing myself and my actions and the confrontation with myself within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the interviews I got where a gesture or a hint or a sort of invitation from my former agreement partner to open up communication seeing realizing that that is an assumption on my part and not a fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only two persons in this world are able to now the specifics of my situation to he point of giving me these interviews

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thankful towards my former agreement partner no even knowing if she had anything to do with gifting me these interviews realizing that by doing so I'm creating alternate realities in my mind instead of checking them for real within my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imbalance for myself within my agreement by focussing on others and external processes instead of myself and my role within it and within that allowing the practical physical reality of myself to spiral out of control and escalate to a point where I find myself participating in this irrational shout out where I have to face myself in the absolute horror of myself possessed by fear projected as anger towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I couldn't catch myself in a moment and that the next moment is there for me to realize that walking an agreement will eventually bring me face to face with who I am within my actions and reactions and that walking this with a partner means that this will happen again and again and that that is the sole purpose of the agreement and that I am here to face myself within it and that it's up to me to not waste time, to stand up and walk the necessary corrections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel eerie and alienated because I don't have a common platform within and as an agreement with my partner seeing realizing that I have a place and a responsibility within this common platform but I can never allow myself to become depended of it because that would mean I'm not giving as I would like to receive but taking at the cost of others making the agreement irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional projections and assumptions towards external events determine how I perceive myself in relation to reality instead of taking the time to stabilize myself and investigate my relation to events within my reality through writing in relation to my agreement partner and to script from that the best possible practical application of myself and to walk that into action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time after time loose myself within the construct of taking things personal not seeing realizing that this reactive pattern of insecurity and fear is so deeply ingrained within me that if I do not write myself out I cannot see this self created veil I look through in daily life and within that only my application in writing in self honest observation like I do now will show me how I exist within it and allow me to script a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my insecurity lead to taking things personal and feeling attacked and within that feel the need to defend myself and my behavior seeing realizing that this can only lead to more conflict thus loosing my footing in this physical reality creating friction and energy possessions that are and will eventually lead to self destruction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control myself completely and that failed to see that control is only a part of the equation and within that I have to realize that this is a process and within that things will reveal itself step by step and layer by layer and that it's not about control but a controlled process and within that it's better to catch myself falling in small slides instead of creating avalanches that create a lot of collateral damage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at these points within self honesty sooner seeing realizing that I allowed anger, fear, frustration and hurt to exist within and as me and within doing so I have accepted and allowed myself to stall my process within getting to the core of what happened between me and my partner and within that I forgive myself for suppressing myself out of shame, pain and sadness related to seeing myself and my actions towards others within these events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the shame connected to my behavior within my neck and shoulders as I was writing myself out.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 41-2015 11 28

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:24

I have committed myself to focus on consistency concerning writing and doing my dip lite. So whenever I can I will myself to sit down and apply myself to do it. I don't speak english natively and I notice that I often have to rewrite stuff because what I want to express is not in the words I write. I often mix up words and I need a lot of words to get to the point. This takes a lot of time and I'm asking myself what's more important? Within that I decided to become less critical towards myself and focus more on consistency and simplicity then being good at english.

As I was reading my SF statements out loud yesterday I had multiple subtle energetic reactions within me coming from my stomach. There was self judgement and fear connected to the statements.

I'm facing this point of opening up communication with my former agreement partner and as I was reading my SF out loud this picture came up where I saw myself being with my former partner and wanting to share myself but unable to say a word and I felt this fear come up. Thoughts connected to it. Why do I even want to go there? Why torture myself? She probably doesn't want to see me in the first place? Do I want't to see her? And off coarse all these thoughts is me as my mind wanting to create friction and justify a reason to avoid that confrontation. I want to get more clarity on this and take a self honest look because there is a polarity within this. I want to see her and yet I don't. I miss her and I don't.

A lot went wrong and a lot of mistakes where made. I even got physically attacked without seeing it coming. There is so much connected to this agreement and the events leading up to this crash. It was overwhelming me and I had to step back and focus on my daily priorities and stabilise my reality. That took me a while and I'm slowly starting to feel the earth under my feet again so to speak.

Why did we accept and allow it to come to such extremes after walking such a stretch together?

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Relationships either Move CloserTogether or Further apart - and that the Closer one Gets together, the Better one Gets to Know each other’s Patterns".

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that unless Patterns in Equality as Equals are willed to Be so, Competition will emerge and Someone will win and Someone will lose".

At this point these SF statements from Bernard contain the whole construct I'm starting to become aware of I 'think'. Specifically my personal black hole behind the word 'patterns'. Somewhere in the past we decided to move together and that meant we moved closer together. That also meant seeing more and more of each other and walking some really intense shit to the point we both where not longer able to keep our realities stable. I lost it that's for sure. And there the coin flipped and now we move away from each other and I don't wan't that. Despite all the shit that happened and all the stuff that is still layered within me.

I do fear a confrontation. The thought of having to face myself within this. The shame connected to it. The fear related to the abuse that took place. The little bursts of anger connected to the images when I bring back certain situations. I don't enjoy looking at and bringing events here and going through that whole thing again. There is a lot of resistance there. I did do a lot of writing on the subject and the first writings are after the events are primarily about being completely done, tired, mangled and sore. I know I must go through it again and forgive myself and wipe the slate clean. I wouldn't now where to start exactly but I'm sure I'm going to find a way. If I act there will be a reaction (or not which is a reaction as well). In both cases that's a start.

Even within the point of there being a change that I will be rejected if I would give it a go, I'm still reasoning myself out of even trying to establish communication. I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to make the mistake of doing this for the wrong reasons knowing that missing a partner is not the reason for doing this although that is certainly the case and I shouldn't judge myself to hard for doing so. There is no clarity yet. My vision is still blurred and there is a lot of pain and discomfort within me regarding the things she said and did to me. Things I cannot bring back exactly so I would not even be able to specify these points into the nitty gritty when it comes to forgiving myself

At the same time I realise that she has to go through a similar process and address the same things from her perspective. I really would like to be on speaking terms with her because I realise we have only so much time and to waste that on creeping away out of fear and resistance instead of simply asking her if we can talk is the fastest way to find out where we stand. I have to forgive her and myself and from my experience the clearest way to find the points and patterns is to check our physical reactions towards each other in real time together within a real talk.

In the coming days I want to start mapping out as manny points as I can in relation to my actions that lead to the the events that brought us here starting with mapping out my emotions and feelings in relation to what happened and to get clarity about the mistakes I made and the relationship I have to those mistakes. What my actions where and what I have accepted and allowed within them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the point of not being able to speak English very well and thus not being able to express myself fully realising and seeing that within that I am excusing myself instead of doing what I have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically as I was reading my self forgiveness statements out loud yesterday realising that reacting to the energy is allowing myself to drift of from what I'm doing which is forgiving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in facing this point of opening up communication with my former agreement partner realising that what I'm fearing is my own fear and that this is all taking place in my head thus not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw myself sitting within and as a projection towards the future with x to connect that image to myself not being able to speak seeing realising that this is me looking for excuses to not voice myself honestly and for real with my partner in order to get to the nitty gritty of myself within the events that took place leading to the situation we find ourselves in at this moment and within that I forgive myself for judging myself as the lesser party when it comes to using words and within that judge my own vocabulary as lesser and that of my partner as superior seeing that within doing that I'm creating conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question myself within the point of wanting to get communication going again with my partner by asking myself "Why do I even want to go there?" "Why torture myself?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my partner probably doesn't want to see me in the first place? and within that allow my ego to jump in and ask myself if I want't to see her? Starting internal conversation instead of real communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within missing the physical Intimacy with my former agreement partner and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the physical intimacy we shared with possible conflict between us by allowing myself to connect fear for the future to backchat related to me sharing myself intimately with my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and and justify and find reasons to avoid a confrontation with my former agreement partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this polarity within me to exist between I want to see her and I don't and I miss her and I don't seeing realising that by allowing myself to exist in that polarity no action is taken towards establishing a real talk and solution that is best for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and to suppress my anger related to being physically attacked without seeing it coming and within that I forgive myself for my Inability to step over that moment and the emotions connected to it in order to give myself a change to pick up where I left of and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain a prisoner of my own emotions and feelings related to the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become shrunk and paranoid and overwhelmed by energy after I was attacked and within that accepted and allowed myself to store these emotions in my body and not immediately seek assistance for releasing these emotions realising that that made me a loaded spring and every time words or gestures or voice tonality would trigger these emotions my body would be in pain and within that I forgive myself for not assisting myself more effectively through writing and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that when I become possessed by energy and find myself in an energy storm its better to sit out the storm without others present in order to protect myself and others for unnecessary damage caused by uncontrollable behaviour within and as myself as these energy possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in non constructive debate and discussion and within that not focussing on what I could do to bring the situation to a point that would support the both of us in the best possible way seeing realising that I accepted and allowed myself to undermine self honest communication by allowing this sea of emotions related to being attacked in the back to exist within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not diffuse myself thus creating a time bomb within and as me seeing realizing that sooner or later that bomb wil explode and that there will be damage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a confrontation with my former agreement partner and within that to fear the picture of myself within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shame connected to the events, my behaviour, the words I spoke in rage and within that I forgive myself for the fear I installed within me and others related to the abuse that took place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel little bursts of anger connected to the images related to the events that took place leading up to our brake up and within that I forgive myself to fear looking at and bringing events here and going through that whole thing again seeing realising that that's the only way to address myself within my participation and the responsibility I have for forgiving myself and others within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resistance towards starting to forgive myself in relation to the events that lead to the brake up of our agreement and within that I forgive myself to judge my behaviour as unforgivable realising that by doing so I'm creating an excuse for not having to forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I wouldn't now where to start in order to get communication between me and my former agreement partner going again seeing realising that that is simply me trying to procrastinate the actions required to walk these points and to diffuse whatever has to be diffused between me and x

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical reactions towards my former agreement partner within seeing myself tohether with her having a real talk in real time together and within that I forgive myself to fear facing the physical reality of myself within my relationship patterns regarding x



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 42-2015 11 30

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:41

Soon after I woke up today a picture x posted on FB yesterday popped up in my mind. A dark silhouette of a line of trees outside our village with winterly skies behind it. Below the post she wrote; "winter is def. coming". As soon as I read these words I noticed this feeling of hope come up (after winter comes…) with a vague picture of the two of us talking and me being very cautious. That's how I saw myself. Being very careful and delicate within choosing the words to express myself.

I know myself like that. It's something that developed over the years and it was one of the most prominent points after we got into an agreement. No words to describe the experience of myself. Words, talking, verbal clutter, chit chat and slowly seeing learning how to redefine these patterns that I have developed during my life.

It was one of the most confronting and hardest things to do when the two of us started out because I was permanently confronted with myself within the point of not being able to communicate clearly. And that felt very claustrophobic at times like with this partner who kept on confronting me with the words I used. Permanently questioning me and the things I said. For the first time in my life I saw how fucked up I was within not being able to voice my own experience and I became aware of these forces within me where I could feel the energy possessions come up and I could literally feel my whole head fill up with energy. It was certainly no walk in the park as we started out. It was scary shit a lot of times.

And so we walked and my mission was simple. Start writing. Start applying myself. Start forgiving myself. Simple! So here I am willing myself to face myself with a partner within these relationship patterns as who I am not knowing what to expect. I read a lot on the subject and I read about agreements but nothing prepared me for Pandora's box opening up within me an within her as well and it was really hard in the beginning.

The agreement was interrupted and fell a few times. I gave up. She gave up. We gave up. The first time she started experimenting with other men a few weeks after the agreement fell. I thought I didn't care and made peace with it because I convinced myself these men where not a thread to me. Hahahahaaa. But I realize now that there was no peace within me. I placed myself in a superior position in order to not feel hurt by what happened. There was a lot of spite within me. Not towards those men, it had to do with trust. And I judged her actions as severely pathetic and I was angry but like I said I sort of waved it away and as we got back together it lay there waiting to come out. I knew about action reaction and the con-sequence but I didn't act. I was totally dishonest about how I really felt about these other men.

I judged her as a consumer that when not satisfied simply asks for a refund and buys new stuff. Because one can. Where is the commitment in that? So if I judged her as a consumer I must have judged myself as an (inferior) product. A used piece of abandoned equipment. And I felt like that a lot of times. Disposable is the best word to describe it.

We started out with X being the point of authority. She was already walking her process for quite some time and simply had more perspective on how to structure what we set out to do so I accepted her authority. I knew I had to keep up somehow and that often gave me this experience of being under pressure when we where together. So in the beginning it was certainly not a comfortable situation.

There came a point where I was able to quit smoking weed and stopped smoking and that's where things started to change for me. I got more clarity on things and I was able to voice myself more specifically. That however created problems within our agreement. Suddenly my voice started coming trough and I would not always be this humble 'ok sorry, excuse me' person. I started to see patterns that existed in me reflected in her as well and I would point them out and for the first time I saw that I was not the only one struggling with myself. I started to see her struggling with herself as well.

Next point was that I saw her moving through mind constructs and observation real fast because she was all ready writing for a long time and that made a difference. That's how I experienced it. After I stopped these two addiction things sort of started to shift in my reality. I lost those stability points that had been there for more than 25 years and I struggled to stay physically stable. I slowly started walking through that shit and seeing more of myself as these patterns I used to call my life and it was often utterly dark and terrifying how I experienced myself. These 'put me back in the Matrix' moments started to stack up. I started to see and feel this huge wall of resistance within me as me.

At that point we mainly met during weekends where she would come over to my house. That was also part of the agreement. Amsterdam was to claustrophobic and somehow it didn't work when I was over there. I didn't fit into her life there and she later said that she couldn't cope with me being in her reality there. She kept me away from her social life as well and didn't want people to see me as her new boyfriend. I understood it rationally, within me it was an itching experience.

Events and experiences like that where ticking time bombs that lead to some hefty confrontations. Especially when I was in her 'world' being in her house and environment. That's also where the first physical attack took place where she suddenly threw something at me that nearly missed my head. At that point I still thought I could deal with messed up shit like that. I came from that messed up stuff so I played cool. I mean come on. I'm a daredevil, adrenaline junkie, nothing scares me. But my inner experience was the opposite at that moment.

I developed a pattern where I compensate my mental insecurities with projections of physical bravura. That was exactly what I did when she threw this object at me. I believe it was a steel astray. I would take on the same stance as I would facing my bullies in childhood. First I would just wait and see what happened and if nothing happened my fears would express as anger and I would be like, what the fuck do you want? You want me to throw that thing back or what? I stood up and played calm at the same time all in me wanted to leave the scene and never come back.

I have never been as intimate with a person at with x and the moment she physically attacked me overwhelmed me. I also felt completely betrayed by that. Within those moments her authority completely evaporated within me and I couldn't make sense of who she was and who I was within that experience of myself. I couldn't see it coming and it took me completely by surprise.

I regained my composure and we eventually sat down and talked until we stabilized ourselves. What I did not realize at that point is the importance of not only stabilizing myself but to diffuse the energy as well. I now know that Sex is the fastest way to do that but at that point that was not 100% established between us. So like a lot of other events I allowed this shit to be stored within me and on those few occasion where my partner became possessed and irrational I would allow myself to enter that whole emotional construct of feeling betrayed and helpless and wanting to leave again. I really didn't know what to do.

We talked about it later and she said the best thing I could do was nothing and in the worst case to just go away which was a problem within the problem.

In those moments I lost the ground beneath my feet and all I could do was leave with this huge fear within me and this electric belt around my neck. The intensity of those energy storms scared the crap out of me. They still do. What I didn't saw at that point was that I did not leave in a rational manner but completely devastated. Finding myself on the train home for two hours with no drugs no cigarettes only me, my thoughts, emotions and feelings.

Those where the toughest parts where I often thought about giving up. That where I was putting myself through made no sense and that I was destroying myself. I now realize that it's about destroying myself and then deconstructing myself and that deconstructing can be done with explosives or brick by brick. I often felt. Like a member of the bomb squad including the traumatic stress syndrome.

It was just hard and I ended up in panic attacks more than once. Within all this I suppressed myself extensively like I had done in the past with bullying incidents. A boy doesn't want to see himself as the looser or the weakest. And even though I lost from an overwhelming force the point was that I didn't want to loose.

It became clear within our agreement that when there was conflict related to trust and loyalty issues, there would be that potential for rage and shouting and she would become extremely venomous and I would try to beat that, in the worst case a hole was kicked in the door. Things like that. Things that where completely over the top and totally irrational and they always ended with her screaming that I was the worst the world had to offer and she wanted me gone and when I did go it only became worse.

It took some time until she discovered that beneath this behavior lay a pattern. That if I would physically leave her in such a moment, where I would stop, pack my stuff and simply walk out without looking back. This would trigger a physical reaction within her related to her being left for adoption as a child. And that related back to her whole persona as who she had become.

At that point I started to get perspective on the problem and that created some breathing space within me. Partly because I have similar issues from another starting point. So within those moments of intense conflict and inner turmoil the both of get these 'trust issues' and they sort of accumulate and fuse and the energies become unmanageable. It became very clear that we had huge trust issues.

Now Bernard would probably say that this is a perfect opportunity presenting itself to address those issues. I mean that's why we where in an agreement. But sitting here I can only conclude that that did not happen yet. We haven't passed that point. I knew the mechanics and I completely understood what was happening between us at that point but I couldn't physically handle this permanent scrutiny I was under.

I became scared of her as well. I couldn't keep myself stable in her presence. So as we moved along we sort of came to the nitty gritty of the whole thing and my main realization as x explained to me before was that from a system perspective we should never have been together and walking that into a workable constructive agreement is no walk in the park.

From the perspective of facing oneself within an agreement we where exactly where we needed to be. On top of that was the point that we are, from a matrix perspective rather 'intense' personalities. Highly sensitive and highly controlled. This made defusing conflicts very hard to almost impossible to handle at times because within conflict al these mechanisms related to control would activate within us within the same polarities creating enormous amounts of friction. At the same time I never spent so much time and attention on another person and I never have been so intimate with another person. This created a lot of friction within me and during conflict it often felt like I was being ripped apart.

We had this incident where we kind of lost it again and I had enough courage to step over my emotions and decided to embrace her with all I had. So as I moved myself next to her on the kitchen table and placed my right arm around her she made this move with her other arm outside my field of vision and I really thought she was going to hit me and in a reflex I moved my head back at the same time pushing her away from me. She hit a vase with her head and that hurt. The vase fell and was destroyed and she became completely hysterical. I had no intention whatsoever to hurt her. The reflex to defend myself was already programmed into me the first time a bully broke my nose. I became totally cramped and paranoid around her and I didn't take action to improve the situation. I crawled away into my office cracking my brain and trying to be as non present as I could be. That only made things worse.

These situations where simply unacceptable and I realize that by not diffusing the events for myself through writing and self forgiveness for real meant it wouldn't change. More and more emotions in relation to what took place in Amsterdam began to surface as this fear of being hit or getting something thrown at me. What I now see and realize is that I allowed myself to think I couldn't trust myself in her presence. I wasn't able to deal with her anger issues. She would completely loose it kick holes in the door, in the table up to the point that she could only scream hysterical. And because she was very strong orally she would overpower the whole space. She wouldn't stop and the only thing I could do at such a point was go away which triggered even more aggression. Every time I walk into my office I see this dent in the door which is one of her fists. A hit like that would hit me in the back later without me seeing it coming.

These events took place as she moved from Amsterdam to my house which in itself contained a challenge because she had to leave Amsterdam. It was not a planned decision. The only thing I could do was offer my house. So on top of all the things we where dealing with we also found ourselves together 24/7. So it came to a point where she literally walked out of my house with her kids and moved to a mobile home that she bought when she moved over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel claustrophobic within my agreement wit x seeing realizing I was having problems where I would allow myself to believe that I was not able to communicate myself clearly and within that to flee into this construct of claustrophobia instead of simply pushing myself knowing that walking together and change and building a vocabulary is a process that takes time and mistakes will be made and within that I forgive myself to fear making mistakes and experience myself as a less than the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the implications of choosing to walk my life with someone else within an agreement and within that not seeing realizing that redefining relationships not only means finding new definitions but that these new definitions have to be walked as physical action to test the consequences and to not allow myself to take failure personal rather as a logical intervention and game changer when things do not work in order to find another way of getting where I have to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I really felt when x told me about her experimenting with other men a few weeks after our agreement fell and within that I forgive myself for believing other men can be a thread not seeing realizing that this agreement is with myself in the first place and that me standing with myself is where I have to be

I forgive myself for mindfucking myself into thinking that placing myself in a superior position in relation to other men might somehow compensate how I feel about the person I want to be in agreement with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite my agreement partner within the point of sleeping with other men soon after our agreement fell for the first time and within that to judge her actions as severely pathetic and within that to allow this anger to build inside me seeing realizing I had actually blew my opportunity to prevent these events from happening in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak out and address the feelings and emotions in relation to these other men the moment x came back to redefine the agreement and within that I forgive myself for not cleaning the slate completely at that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that by not cleaning the slate completely when we decided to restart our agreement I created the seed for conflict regarding these points in relation to seeing my agreement partner with other men, her ex husband and her behavior and opinions towards men in general

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I judge x as a consumer who when not satisfied simply buys a different product of the shelf simply because she can and within that judge her for showing no commitment seeing realizing that judging her as a consumer implies that I see myself as a product to be consumed and within that I forgive myself for seeing myself as a used and abused piece of equipment that can be disposed of whenever it suits the user as convenient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner as a consumer of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a disposable product

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within accepting authority from my agreement partner not see realize and understand that I have my own responsibility regarding my thoughts, emotions and feelings and the way I deal with them towards my partner within our agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think being in an agreement would be more comfortable and adventurous than being alone and within that not question the true motivations of myself into the nitty gritty in order to prepare myself in the best way possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in relation to my agreement partner within the point of her walking this process longer than me and within that thinking I have to catch up seeing realizing that I allowed myself to introduce a competitive component and thus a win/loose outcome instead of a supportive participation from what I was physically able to do at that point without making projections into the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the huge wall of resistance I started to see and feel after I quit smoking and weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when x said she didn't want to introduce me to her friends as her new partner because that would cause a stir in her environment and within that assume 'there was something she was not not telling me' and within that allowing myself to become paranoid and distance myself from her knowing seeing realizing that my behavior is in no way supporting me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was able to deal with being physically attacked not seeing realizing that being physically attacked is connected to past events within me and within that I allow myself to complete take on this character of invincibility and fearlessness the warrior that is ready to die for king and country and does not run from any confrontation seeing realizing that this happens in total dishonesty because I feel utterly helpless in those moments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could deal with being physically attacked not seeing realizing that there is a lot of hidden memories regarding abuse suppressed and stored within me connected to being abuses and within that allowed myself to pretend to be and project myself as cool and collected towards my partner and within that hiding the truth about the experience of myself within that moment towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to developed a pattern where I compensate my mental insecurities with projections of physical bravura and within that access a pattern of behavior I used in high school to cope with groups of boys harassing me and within that hide the true nature of myself and project and transform my fears onto verbal aggression towards my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was physically attacked and x threw that object at me become overwhelmed by fear and within that allow myself to feel completely betrayed by my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of stabilizing myself and to diffuse the energy related to the polarity of intimace and aggression towards me and within that I see realize and understand that these energies will compound into my body only to posses me when I allow myself to be triggered within in a similar situation where I risk getting possessed by those energies within the emotional construct of feeling betrayed and helpless and wanting to leave again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of energy storms within and as my mind possession raging within me seeing realizing I have the tools to deal with them and that when I find myself possessed I can bring myself here by breathing and speaking out my self forgiveness out loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up realizing that that is no option and that this process is about accepting myself as all I am and that I can redefine what it means to destroy myself as the patterns of self abuse I have accepted and allowed to become and that I am in the process of deconstructing myself in order to understand how I ended up in this version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my agreement feel like a member of the bomb squad thus my partner as explosive and within that to judge myself of having a traumatic stress syndrome in relation to my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress how I experienced myself within conflict with my partner in relation to bullying incidents in high school and that within that I didn't want to loose and within that I forgive myself for choosing to fight instead of stopping my participation within the conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to participate within rage and shouting and becoming extremely venomous when I found myself in a situation of conflict with x related to trust and loyalty issues and within that would see her as my opponent within combat that had to be beat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that underlying the problems of stability I faced within our agreement relate to 'trust issues' I have and that these specific issues where present in my partner as well creating a vacuum and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that getting an outside perspective would have given us the opportunity to see and understand and walk the points we were acting out from the same starting point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I become scared of my partner instead of focussing on keeping myself stable in her presence realizing that this agreement was in fact an abnormal situation from a system perspective and as such the norm or normal rules do not apply and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing I was shifting my reality between to norms and within that created a lot of friction and conflict within myself instead of using the opportunity to walk this with my partner no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my partner as 'intense' personalities and highly emotional and highly controlled and within that I forgive myself to connect control and conflict to this feeling of being ripped apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was putting my arm around my partner at the dinner table and she moved her arm think she is really going to hit me and in a reflex pushed her away from me and within that i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a movement of my partner to a reflex to defend myself that was all ready programmed into when a bully broke my nose and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crawl away into my office cracking my brain and trying to be as non present as I could be hoping everything would work itself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize see and understand that by not diffusing the energies I create after events of conflict with my agreement partner through writing and self forgiveness for real will lead to accumulation and more and more emotions in relation to past events in our agreement and that those emotions will surface as fear of being hit or getting something thrown at me by X and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I allowed myself to think I couldn't trust myself in her presence and not be able to deal with her anger issues and that within that judge her for completely loosing it and revert to physical violence to the point of only being able to scream hysterically and within that I forgive myself for not leaving the overpowered space and stabilize myself in order to create a platform of stability in order to diffuse the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally inside myself within and as the words 'fuck' every time I see this dent in my office door



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 43-2015 12 02

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 15:47

I'm picking up where I stopped yesterday as points are continuing to open up.

By the time x had her new house I felt wobbly and unbalanced. I am self employed and had no work and all my time and energy had gone into creating this home for us and the children and here I was. Alone again. I decided there and then I had to stop completely and stabilize myself. So I decided to stop participating completely. I did nothing and let her do what it was she had to do and I started to clean up my house. Get my office in order and focussed on getting work in and on track again. I felt completely numb and without energy.

After a few weeks we more or less started speaking again. Her kids were having a holiday with her ex husband and she was busy with her new house moving stuff there, painting etcetera. We got stable enough to be together and I offered her to stay in my house during that period.

We where physical, slept in the same bed and we had sex but I didn't feel completely comfortable within myself. We talked about that and somewhere a long the line she pointed me in the direction of another woman and suggested to me If I wouldn't rather be with someone else? And that she would be able to share me with someone else. On top of that she admitted that she simply could not live with a man under one roof, that that was her problem. It was spoken very casually as if it was not important but it got my attention big time.

I realized that she was the one that showed me and explained to me that within an agreement facing oneself within these points where one makes assumptions about oneself is exactly the point and that this was not a question of 'cannot be with a man' but a matter of 'do I will myself'. If I'm hearing correct then she does not 'want'. My perspective was that she should at least be self honest enough to admit she didn't want to be with a man instead of I cannot be with a man.

Within myself I felt a lot of stuff shifting. I reacted to these remarks because it was less than a year ago that we decided to do this together and that it would be hard but we would fucking do this and get old in this house. She even talked about marrying me. We would nail this sucker. And here I was getting this casual advice to try it with someone else and that she was willing to share me with another woman.

I couldn't make sense of myself and I couldn't believe my ears. Here we where trying to get to grips with the whole situation and the changes and then these weird points come up and are are brought to the table. Why? It blew me away. And I told her very clearly that if it was a joke (she was able to make jokes like that to test me) it was not funny and that if she really meant it I couldn't understand why? She didn't explain herself. I felt myself shrinking again.

I felt very strange as if someone pulled a plug I deflated and there was this little bright spot between my shoulders within me and it burned. I knew something was not right. It was like a fuse was set within me. Something switched within me. And I became silent as I pulled back within myself.

Now this is interesting because normally out of fear of making mistakes, doubt, saying the wrong things at the wrong time, I would compensate that insecurity and start to talk a lot. Like as long as I'm talking the other one is not able to.

People that got close to me like my partner. People who really got to know me saw this character. A few former girlfriends even got to the point where I would be with them and drop the facade. What remained was this shy, silent, boy/man. My partner always called me a grumpy old man.

What I'm starting to see was that I knew something was not right with my reality but I didn't want to face myself within it because somewhere deep inside I knew I would have to face myself and that scared me so much because somewhere in the past I have seen what self honesty entails. I didn't want to face the shame related to the betrayal of myself. I don't want to accept I betrayed myself. I still think that all of this can somehow be solved with a plan. Despite all of that I knew I would have to walk this alone and I was shit scared to do that. Yet Here I am. That hotspot within me was a spark that set something of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to act confident and normal towards X instead of sharing my true feelings of insecurity and confusion about the remark she made about me being with another woman that night out of fear of conflict, and within that I see realize and understand that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and offended about X suggesting that woman to me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate into the nitty gritty why it was that when we where physical and slept in the same bed again and we had sex I didn't feel completely comfortable within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel claustrophobic within my agreement wit x seeing realizing I was having problems where I would allow myself to believe that I was not able to communicate myself clearly and within that to flee into this construct of claustrophobia instead of seeing realizing that my fear of communicating with X is related to fear of being hurt by others and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that I am able to push myself beyond my self perceived limitations and fears because I am able to do that as I have proven to myself within this physical reality time and time again and within that I see it's my own fear of change I'm fearing thus the fear itself and that it is in no way different from all the other fears I have overcome by simply willing myself to investigate make assessments and take action to confront myself with the situation and bring all I have to the table in order to resolve the point to the best of my abilities within this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to investigate into the nitty gritty why it was that when we where physical and slept in the same bed again and we had sex I didn't feel completely comfortable within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that my perception of x is a projection and not who she really is in fact and that I should always test myself in relation to the physical realty and my partner in relation to the words I speak and the physical action of me and my partner in relation to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to remarks X made where she asked me If I wouldn't rather be with someone else and that within that construction she would be able to share me with someone else and within that making the assumption about herself that she could not live with a man under one roof and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and hurt by those remarks and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger within myself because she presented everything like a joke that was very casually spoken and within that I forgive myself for not being able to keep myself stable enough to get to the point and find out in self honsty the ins and outs and reasons why she made those remarks in order to get more perspective and clarity about where I stand and have to walk from here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that from her perspective the agreement was over despite we where sleeping together and having sex and she assumed I would probably be with someone else in the future and within that I forgive myself for judging x as egotistical within the point of wanting to share me with another woman for the sole benefit of having a sex partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as schizophrenic within her commitment when she stated; "I cannot be with a man under one roof" and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her as dishonest within the point of having to admit there is a difference between 'I want to be with a man which is a point of self will or, "I cant be with a man" which is a point of self compromise related to self will and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing I was giving up in relation to keeping the slate clear and everything on the table because I see realize and understand that I haven't given it my all to direct myself within my agreement with x

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations and made projections into the future based on remarks from x where she saw us getting old in this house, and that we would get this done and that she saw she had to lead the way and that we would get trough this and she eventually saw us getting married and within that I forgive myself for creating a picture presentation in my head about the future instead of seeing realizing what was here for real and grounding myself in the physical reality of myself and look at those points within the context of what I could do to contribute to our future from the starting point of giving it my all and focus on what is here and what I practically could walk in order to be the best I could be within this agreement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely cut of and separated and disgusted by x when she said that she was willing to share me with another woman and within that I forgive myself for judging x as self centered and egotistical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull back into myself and silence myself instead of speaking out and express myself about the remarks she made in order to get to the nitty gritty and to get clarity over this situation and the reasons why x was suggesting another woman for me and her willingness to share me with that woman in order to have sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being called a grumpy old man by x seeing realizing that the fact I reacted to her words is related to seeing realizing I exist within this polarity between being that grumpy old man and who I really want to be in every moment and within that I realize I have a choice and its up to me to will myself to walk myself out of this character of the grumpy old man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character of the grumpy old man when I struggle with my daily reality and within that I forgive myself for being harsh reactive and unfriendly with my environment and within that I realize see and understand I cannot create a gentle environment for others if don't gift that environment to myself first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the shame related to the betrayal of myself within the past and accepting the betrayal of myself and within that fool myself into thinking that the betrayal of myself can somehow be solved with a plan seeing realizing that the only way is trough self forgiveness and corrective action that becomes change for real and within that I forgive myself to fear the loneliness seeing realizing that this process has to be walked alone and within that I forgive myself for giving in to the resistance of sitting with myself and writing myself out realizing that I fear what I see in my writings as who I am within it and assume that this is me into eternity and within that I forgive myself for fearing the picture of 'this is me into eternity' judging myself as a total failure and fuckup not seeing realizing I am compromising myself out of fear of being alone and that this is simply me going where I have never been before and to just keep pushing and fucking go and discover what is really there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking my process alone and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that if I walk my process in self honesty I will never walk alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act confident and normal and allow myself to becoming protective judging x for not making sense instead of opening up the point and get clarity about the point and within that I forgive myself for fearing her reaction and escalation into conflict



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 44-2015 12 05

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 16:11

Continuing from day 43

The next day my body felt heavy and tired. I tried to act confident and normal but I felt insecure. I couldn't get my head around what she had said the night before. It didn't make sense. I was to tired and afraid to confront her again and ask her to explain and clarify to me what was going trough her mind. Also because I was afraid it would escalate into conflict again. But it was bugging the hell out of me. I felt offended and it hurt.

I went to work and she kept moving her stuff. I have the dates mixed up but I remember I got sick. Really sick. I haven't been sick like that for a long time. I got this hellish fever to the point I started hallucinating. It went for more than 5 days and that's when I decided to shuffle to a doctor and get medical help. I had blood tests, medicine, the lot. It didn't work so I had to ride it out.

During those days X would come by but I can't remember much. I guess I was sick for about eleven days maybe more. My whole body was in pain. I felt it in every cell. Everything hurt. I knew my body was pushing something out but I couldn't make sense of it at that point. X told me she thought I was diffusing a system. Whatever it was I just went with it. I felt extremely weak and vulnerable. I really had to get to work because on top of all the mayhem another eleven days without work were gone. I was completely broke.

I did see at that point I had to embrace this emptiness. There was nothing more I could do. I felt so tired. The whole thing kept spinning within me like a whirlwind and I couldn't stop it. This permanent stream of Images and word and sounds flashing by. I was numb tried to breath. I saw the fuckups that my relationships had been and how this universe of assumptions and projections towards others was spinning within me and that universe was me. It was all about me and I am looking at it and seeing for real, damn, she really is my mirror.

The day she came to pick up the last stuff from my house she had arranged some help from family. Before they came she came by in the morning to pick up some small stuff and she asked me how I was? I was not stable and I was waiting for a client to also come by so this moving her stuff wasn't at all convenient for me that day. Enough shit took place in my house. I was done with the whole situation. So I told her honestly how I felt and told her that I still felt angry and frustrated about the whole situation and towards her.

She made a gesture. She said; "come here" and wanted to hug me and at that point that specific point within my back started to burn and as she touched me my whole body started to hurt so I shrank and said; "no leave me alone". That triggered something within her and within seconds we're of to ranting and raving in total possessions again.

And I realized that this has to STOP! So I made it very clear to her to not make any more remarks, to stop screaming and leave or I would make her leave. She kept on shouting so I walk up to her grab her shoulders turn her around and push her towards the door. She ripped of the curtain as she walks out and the only thing going trough my mind was 'get her out of here'. At that moment this client came and another fucked up day had begun.

I excused myself to this client and asked him to give me some time. I decided to bring all the big things X still had in my house outside. I was done and I didn't want strange people in my house on top of this bullshit. I put her stuff outside for her family to pick up. I went upstairs to my office and tried to focus on work.

Over the weeks that followed I drove over to her house twice with a car and a trailer full of stuff. The second time she asks me if I wanted to drink something. I said; "let's unpack the car first". I was touched in a strange way and I thought it was really cool that she made that gesture to invite me in.

I also brought her A new toilet seat because I didn't want to rip her old one from the toilet. It was exactly the same model. So as all the stuff was moved from the car into her house I took the toilet seat and gave her the package and said; "here's the toilet seat it's new and exactly the same model". She asks me; "does it soft close?". I say yes It's exactly the same model" Then she reacts in a very specific strict tone; "that's not my question, does it soft close, yes or no?" And within that moment I feel all of me crunch and my body starts hurting again and it feels like I'm being eaten alive. I'm really shocked and I don't understand why she is communicating like this. Why ask this question where she all ready had an answer? Why in this tone of voice? It made no sense to me. I stood there lost for words. Time stood still and I realized that I was not stable enough to communicate. I took ten-seconds to really look at myself. I felt devastated. I couldn't stay so I said goodbye as politely as I could and went home.

As I drove home I felt tears come up. I it was connected to the harshness in her voice. I double checked my reactions. Was I confusing the tone with sounding yourself firm or steadfast? It was harshness. It took me a long time to realize why I reacted so extremely sensitive to this harshness. A big part of it is because I allowed myself in many ways to become harsh as well. It has become part of me and what I express into the outside world as who I am without realizing how severe this pattern is. I remember that X pointed it out to me but I never saw this pattern and how deeply it is engraved with in me and that It's a protective mechanism based on fear. A mechanism that makes no sense and at the same time it's me.

As I'm writing this I can see this pattern very clearly within my mother as well. It becomes particular prominent when she's under scrutiny or when there is critique or when someone disagrees with her opinion. It's almost impossible for her to admit she's wrong. Its particular prominent when I simply ask her about her assumptions and how she knows something or when I simply ask why is this or that so? She immediately switches into this hypersensitive mode and becomes very defensive and aggressive pulls back and says; "laat maar" (let it be). And within her this shit compounds and leads to al sorts of physical problems. So here I have a mirror as well. In this case even on DNA level. This is my blood this is also me.

So this pattern as harshness exists within me and it's very prominent and interferes with everything I do. It's a big flag point because I see realize and understand that its time to pick myself up within this pattern and start to take responsibility for it.

So what I see now is that when someone speaks to me in that harsh tone I will feel attacked and this mechanism kicks in where everything within me hardens and then the shields go up and I become harsh and spiky like a porcupine. And when someone behaves the same way towards me I'm actually looking in a mirror at an image I really don't want to see because I'm disgusted by it. That image is way to painful to accept as who I am. But here I am. I'm done with it. Because it's nothing but doubt and insecurity and pain within me related to being abused and not having any physical backup whatsoever as a child and within that I copied the whole construct from my mother.

My parents where completely incompetent when it came to dealing with what happened to me in high school. My mother was alone and not able to deal with it in a sensitive way. She had a lot of grief during that time but there where no solutions. I have suppressed that whole period because I had no back up whatsoever.

Even in school the teachers would not take responsibility for their job. It was a dog eat dog situation and they always stood by like the guards in a prison camp. My mother is angry with herself just like me. And she's not able to give this intimacy to herself and that makes it Impossible to give it to others. And I can see these suppressed patterns within my brother that relate back to these points as well.

I have this hypersensitivity within me in relation to authority and the way that authority expresses itself. Within that I have no problem with authority when people show how it's done and say; "now you do it" The moment people start claiming authority and there is words and tone and ego and false pride I become cynical and spiky and I feel these destructive forces within me rise. And exactly the same points as behaviour exists within me as well. I do the same thing. I talk without substance and claim victory before the battle is done. It's getting much better walking this process but it's with no doubt a big part of my persona and the way people perceive me to be.

Points opening up here. Harshens… I'm facing myself having accepted and allowed myself to become Harsh within and as myself. Through doing that I allow myself to be harsh towards others. Within my agreement with X I have seen myself able to be absolutely gentle and Intimate with myself and my partner. Maybe that explains the extreme rifts and physical pain when we where going through these conflicts. It really feels like being pulled apart between two realities.

Every time my behaviour, a point or pattern was discussed this mechanism or automaton within and as me would be triggered as that point of feeling attacked and looking back especially in the beginning when I pushed myself to listen to X it really felt like being lost in the void between two worlds, these permanent energy possessions.

What I'm beginning to see is that within my agreement there where several forces that I was battling. I had my will to walk this process and when I did I would meet resistance and things would start to shift. That's where support from X came in but often that feedback would amplify my state of mind because of the confrontation with myself and on top of the points I was facing this defensive relationship pattern of harshness was activated, where I would become defensive and spiky setting of reactions within X as well. If I couldn't catch myself in time this would lead to conflict with X. Then there was my practical physical reality with responsibilities related to work and money. And spite towards that coming from X.

I have seen that point. I was very cautious when I realized we had to make this work. I have addressed that point before we decided to really do this. I remember taking the train to Amsterdam immediately as I left the North and started moving her stuff from Amsterdam to my house in the East. I didn't take the time to really script that event for myself and that was a big mistake. It lead to chaos and disorder in my professional reality and looking back I should never have settled for that. I was trying way to hard to be something I wasn't.

In all the mayhem and daily buzz that followed I never found the time or space within myself to get to these points although they where right in front of me as how I was acting out. And that tells me how important it is to have patience and not rush things although that was certainly the case from my perspective. To not only take time but also to investigate the influence another person has on my process from the perspective of dependency.

I cannot trust anyone in relation to my own process and I made the mistake to trust my agreement partner more than myself. That's not to blame her or accuse her. It's an observation. I can see the way I exist within a relationship of dependency towards her and the fuckups that created.

I'm slowly starting to see realize and understand what it means to walk this. Whatever happens it remains a solitary process. The only thing an agreement does is turbo charge the whole thing. It's much more enjoyable to sleep with someone next to me, to be able to share a process, to have all these fucked up, and funny little moments, to really see that its possible to assist someone else and the influence that has on their life, to share that and both pick the fruits that falls from the tree. I also now that a turbo charged engine wears itself out much faster. Let the diesel engine be my example of slowly but forcefully walking this step by step.

Patience and care and maintenance. And focussing on keeping myself on track and observe myself through writing and reading. From my perspective that was not done to the standard required within my agreement. We dropped into this house way to unprepared and with ticking time bombs related to trust and authority

I have allowed myself to create this big fat 'fuck it all personality'. The agreement did what it had to do. It showed me exactly who I was within it. I also see that I'm not that idiot. I'm not that really that spiky harsh man that comes in, drops the bomb and leaves a mess. Its characters I have allowed to roam free and it has devastated relationships and friendships. I have hurt people as that demon. I have done exactly what I don't want other people to do to me. I have become the bullies that bullied me. I fell into the pit of self pity and became angry and wanted revenge on the world. I could have ended up as a soldier and I'm glad that didn't happen because I would have caused a lot of death and destruction. I can see it within me and it's just a lot of pain transformed in to anger that can become rage.

I'm finally getting a bit more intimate with myself. My spine is killing me though and going to the Chiropractor had no effect everything was aligned again within 24 hours and its fine. Let it burn. The first and foremost point I want to keep focussing on is to become as gentle with myself as I would like someone else to be with me. I never realized that it's that point. The physical action that is gentleness. I think the fever was that point. It cracked the crust and I have to clean that shit out.

I see realize and understand that the only way I can do this is through self honesty with myself on a physical level and to take the time to get to the point and be specific. I also realize that these are my inner workings within and as me as I have accepted and allowed myself to become, this will not be done in a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to act confident and normal towards X instead of sharing my true feelings of insecurity and confusion about the remark she made about me being with another woman that night out of fear of conflict, and within that I see realize and understand that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and offended about X suggesting that woman to me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate into the nitty gritty why it was that when we where physical and slept in the same bed again and we had sex I didn't feel completely comfortable within myself.

Note:
Ok to get back to that point where x started to speak in a harsh tone and how I physically reacted within and as my physical posture. My standing, my facial expression, my physical movement.

Ok first to bring the moment here. I'm standing in front of a table plank structure where I have put the toilet seat I brought in. My eyes drift of towards a new washing machine and drier standing in line in the kitchen. A thought comes up related to the drying machine because when we lived together there was no drying machine and she had a lot of resistance towards the fact we had to hang the laundry up to dry.

I bring myself back in the moment and she's to the right of me I'm not facing her head on but slightly from the side. I'm not making permanent eye contact because I'm avoiding the confrontation with her tone and stare. So I look and look away, I look and look away. I'm not hiding myself I'm just very uncomfortable and intimidated. Unsure what to make of what is happening. When I look her in the eyes I have to turn my head a bit to the right.

So my right shoulders is towards her and my left shoulder turned away from her slightly. I'm not that comfortable in my body but I'm standing straight.

The moment she speaks to me in that harsh tone I feel this energy coming up from between my stomach and in between my shoulder blades and it's a physical sting. It hurts and I feel myself bending forward and turning away from her making a left turn facing her with my left side instead of my right side. I'm trying to stabilize myself and bring my attention to my breath and look at what is going on with the thoughts racing in my mind.

At the same time I'm raising my left arm and holding the back of my head as I notice myself starting to walk away from her towards the door. I catch myself knowing that this is a reflex where I want to remove myself from the center of attention so I stop myself still holding the back of my head with my left arm and the the inside of my right hand resting on my right hip.

I'm looking down towards the floor checking my thoughts and feelings and come to the conclusion that I'm feeling shocked and way to unstable to stay and have a drink. I'm also realizing that I'm without words, there is too much going on within my body on an energetic level and I realize that it's better to remove myself in order to stabilize whatever is developing at that point.

So I take a breath and make sure I'm stable within being polite and stable when I say to her that I rather go home. Within that moment there is a brief eye contact to check myself and her that's when I notice she's having a specific smile on her face. I'm aware she's observing me because that's what she did all the time. I cannot place the smile on her face in perspective and I don't ask her about it. I walk to the door and leave with my body hurting and my head slightly bend towards the ground. I'm in pain and confused and feel attacked.

As I'm outside I correct my posture and walk straight up and become aware that my body is in pain and that I feel attacked because of the energetics within my body. There is something in my body resonating with that tone of voice that was used and it's in the centre of my body above my solar plexus and in between my shoulder blades. If I don't correct my stand it makes me hunch a little like when one has stomach cramp.

X is a much smaller than me and most of the time when we would talk to each other I would sit down or bring myself in a position where our eyes would be more or less level. In this case we where both standing and I wasn't going to sit down so that might have played a role within not feeling comfortable because I was new to that place and I didn't want to stay. Normally I would have found a place to sit, often the kitchen table and we would talk sitting eyes level.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 45-2017 07 01

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 16:12

At it again after 2.7 years of focussing on work

2.7 years of not being actively involved in DIP lite. I convinced myself that doing the DIP lite to what I perceived as a minimum standard was not longer doable for me at the time. I simply couldn't physically merge the time needed and effects DIP had into my life. I hit a wall and had to get my professional and matrix life in order because it had come to the point I was only focussing on my process and not enough on getting food on the table. I had so many balls in the air to juggle that I simply choose to give myself a change to see where pausing and changing things would lead. I was doing everything I was doing alone and I became more and more isolated professionally. That was stressful and depressing to say the least. In retrospect this all came on top of a relationship agreement that needed more attention than my circumstances allowed.

Something drastic had to be done so I closed shop regarding what I was doing as a self employed consultant and became self employed within a collective of professionals under a different name. It was sort of a 'last resort' for me. It paid the rent and got me trough a very difficult year and It forced me to participate with other professionals on an almost daily bases.

My new situation within a business startup required a lot more communication and social interaction. It demanded way more self reflection and real time seeing than I was used to applying professionally on a daily bases. It was starting a new business witch is a challenge in itself. It’s not that I didn’t reflect on events, myself or the world around me. I just made a decision to become more selective to what I had to do, could do and wanted to do. Especially my network and social life where almost flatlining. I decided to become a member of a bicycle association and did a course to become a sports instructor. I wanted to have something besides work and my relationship that involved other people and social interaction. Doing so meant I would be training children every Saturday and two evenings a week I would be on my bike.

Through this and all the experiences within it, my partner was there. It even came to a historical point where she finally admitted to herself that she wanted to have me in her life permanently as a partner. I couldn’t have been more amazed but also shocked that this happened. I never saw it coming and had already made peace with the way things sort of played out between us. The last 2 years I really committed myself to the point of patience. Besides that I knew that eventually it all comes down to applying myself and do as much as I can to walk myself out of as much limitations as possible. That meant I had to confront and apply myself. Which I did like never before. My take was that this was also the only way for my partner to really see me as who I am within the point of change. I failed to see that I was doing this mainly in one direction.

Going out and participating within this world as much as possible on a professional level has shown me so much on a practical level when it comes to how this world really functions and how multi layered literally everything is. Money and not having any reserves is one of the toughest points within this. Change is good but the last 10 years have been a rollercoaster and I’m not 20 anymore. One could say that the most relevant points I have to face have knocked on my door hard the past 2 years.

I educated myself by doing. I became a better navigator on the rough seas in the matrix. I’m not there by a long run but my outlook on and the way I can handle myself professionally has changed for sure. Every coin has a flip side though. My professional life got more momentum but a veil slowly started to come down. I didn’t give myself enough clarity in general and I didn’t check what the effects of my choices where in relation to the big picture of me walking my process.

I really worked on specific points but this was mainly professionally. Balancing my private and professional life did not work out at all. Things took way more time than anticipated. I was insecure and doubted myself within almost every decision I had to make other than professional ones. Old habits and behavior reemerged and I accepted them as collateral damage so to speak. Severe depressions came back and I judged myself for that. Panic attacks happend more frequently although I knew it was me who was creating them. I became more successful professionally. I was more able to communicate what I really wanted to say in a way people understood professionally. More people liked me as much as started to dislike me.

An unbalance between private and professional life started to creep in. More friction started to originate in my private life and conflict became more frequent. I got more clarity on the fact that playing a role in the daytime and not direct the consequences thereof as soon as possible, meant I was all ready fucking up the progression I was making. Who I allowed myself to become got more accepted professionally but less in private life. About 2 months ago I sort of realized this was becoming a real problem. I have been pushing so hard in one direction that I kind of lost my way back. It was like my whole life started to feel unfamiliar and strange like I had nothing solid to hold on to (so I thought). I panicked.

7 years ago when I found Desteni everything changed. As with all relationships It’s been a proces of permanent change, pain, adaptation, balance and most importantly, ‘patience’. The last one I’m still very much struggling with. The word that emerged within me after all this time is ‘balance’. Just keeping myself and my reality as balanced as possible. But business is capricious. Our collective of 9 people is facing some daunting tasks if we want to survive. Again I find myself in a very complex and uncertain situation. It has come to a point where the scales are tipping to the wrong side and I had to come to the conclusion that I made lots of progress but also created some rather fucked-up time loopes.

What was also confronting was gaining weight. I went from 89 kilo’s to 110. That doesn’t sound like much but I never had a body like that. At first I comforted myself with the idea that this was what I needed to walk. I apparently needed some thick skin. At the same time my body felt heavy and slow. My agility was gone and I could feel the load on my joints. So about 5 months ago I decided I had enough of this. I changed my eating and slowly started to decrease my bodyfat. What I didn’t notice at first was that the more fat I lost the more I was displaying ‘old habits and behavior’. I started smoking again although there was no reason except stress for it. When the stresslevels where high (most of the time) I also fell repeatedly within the point of dealing with stress although I learned with Desteni how to at least minimize the consequences. So also my panic/anger/grief issues returned. There have been disastrous events and experiences the last 2 years but I also learned a lot. I realize that it’s time to stop and reflect on what has worked and what didn’t. So this is where my experiment has to end! I created a chain of events and discovered what I wanted to discover. Perhaps even more than I bargained for.

I got a lot of insights but the most important one is that one cannot really change and develop oneself professionally if it’s not integrated with all aspects of my life and who I am. Yes that means self-writing, self reflection and self forgiveness. Especially when one also has an agreement partner. Things became frictional and overcomplicated en unclear on a predominant level in my life because I was not scripting myself effectively. I reflected on a lot of things the last 2 years but I made a big mistake by not making myself and my overall ‘lifepath’ the most important subject for reflection. So the first important realization is that I have to get back to at least a weekly routine of reflection and self writing when it comes to the hidden patterns and layers that are still determining who I am, how I make choices and interact with this world. If I can’t give myself clarity there is no clarity. The second is that I cannot do this alone and the only specific assistance and support within my proces of self development and self support only exists within Desteni, the DIP Lite and with Destonians. Knowing is one thing. Seeing and realizing another. It took some time but there it is!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that doing DIP lite to what I perceived as a minimum standard was not longer doable for me at the time and within that I realize that 2.7 years of not actively developing my self writing and self forgiveness skills has consequences in relation to the effectiveness of walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I couldn't physically merge the time I used for DIP Lite and my process into my life at the time and within that I realize that I didn’t ask for assistance within making that decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for assistance when I struggled to get my professional and private life in order.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I had too many balls in the air to juggle at the time I made the decision to stop my DIP Lite and within that I forgive myself that I simply stopped to see where changing things would lead me realizing that stopping may be a choice but it’s also not seeing things through or looking for alternative solutions first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not incorporate all the relevant aspects of my life within this decision thinking that one aspect might be more important that another including the DIP Lite and my relationship agreement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the only way for my partner to really see me as who I am within the point of change is becoming successful professionally and within that I realize that the way I act within all aspects of my life is what’s really relevant for a partner to see in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the past ten years of my life as a rollercoaster and being to old to be really flexible realizing that by judging it that way I can only see it that way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed realizing that my depressions are nothing more than the accumulation of feelings and emotions I haven’t dealt with In a constructive matter with the tools I knew where available to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by panic realizing that panic is also a system I created and have accepted and allowed to take over instead of breathing, bringing myself here and keeping myself stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push hard in one direction not realizing that by shifting my attention to specific points in my life created an unbalance that had severe consequences for the other points that also needed active participation and direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fuzzy and unclear by not directing myself more intensely creating a chain of events that lead to a very unwanted, complex and uncertain situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back on old habits and behavior knowing that I would be creating some timeloops that would have to be addressed in the future as more difficult and multi layered constructs and within that I realize that on the total scale of things this eventually means even more work thus time spend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a smoker again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sit with myself in relation to the way I deal with stress and look for constructive ways in witch I can support myself to deal with this point more effectively within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for support when I was actually realizing this was the case thinking that this is something I have to do alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think that asking for support is me failing to do something by myself and thus judging myself as incompetent and dependent in a way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with financial survival and becoming successful professionally realizing that one cannot really change and develop oneself if it’s not done based on effective self-writing, self reflection and self forgiveness based on al relevant points that have a relation to this specific point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate, share and voice myself effectively towards my partner in relation to the points and challenges I was facing and the way I saw myself handling these challenges out of fear of being judged as incompetent or a failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of not making myself and my relationship with ‘my lifepath’ the most important subject for reflection and self commitment before setting out to change fundamental aspects of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon my daily routine of doing my DIP Lite not realizing the importance it had as a beacon and stability point for me and within that I realize that I have to get back to at least a weekly routine of reflection and self writing when it comes to the hidden patterns and layers that are still determining who I am and how I interact with this world and the consequences I thereby create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the only one that can give me clarity is me and within that I realize that if I can’t give myself clarity there is no clarity and with no clarity everything eventually becomes fuzzy and when things get fuzzy they tend to go haywire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that assistance was available and that it’s extremely hard to walk these points alone thus that I cannot do this alone and within that I forgive myself for being to proud and stubborn to ask for assistance and support being afraid of being turned down or to hear something I didn’t want to hear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being weak and leaning on someone else’s crutches instead of just asking for help and see what the answers would bring.



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
Contact:

Day 46-2017 07 04

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 16:20

After seven years of observing myself, my partner and our relationship I start to see more of who I am within this as the story unfolds. Both people in a relationship have to have a clear understanding of the past-present relationship in relation to what is playing out in the moment. Sometimes you really need time to reflect because certain point are not 100% clear. Daily life not always gives me that opportunity and that’s ok. It’s all part of my patience and balans point. Without balance shit goes haywire and that can become problematic as I found out more than once. In theory one must be able to stand in whatever outflow takes place within a relationship and if possible be capable of directing oneself and thus the relationship in the desired direction of a solution. If I’m not capable of doing so there should be no blame or judgement. Some situations require a safety net because there is no direction given within a moment that requires direction. So the agreement as the solution as the method to deal with these situations should be able to come into effect until both are grounded and ready to get to the nitty gritty of what played out. Patience again is key!

To bring this back to myself and myself alone. When my partner is confronted with one of the tips of my icebergs and is able to adres that. I must be able and committed to fall back on the agreement and other methods agreed upon to get to a point of stability and patience within myself to be able to really asses myself within the situation and eventually share myself with my partner, where the point is opened up in a constructive matter so we can continu to walk. This proces would speed up exponentially if we could spend days together with this as the center of our life. Unfortunately daily life expects me to do more than just that and that’s where the whole picture has to be taken into consideration and things become a bit more multi dimensional.

The whole picture of what a relationship entails is always seen and interpreted differently by those participating in a relationship. This seeing/experiencing things differently is from my perspective often the cause for questioning each others commitment and responsibilities within a relationship. So how I see someone else’s reality is never to become a projection of what I think is real or true! It would make walking with someone and pushing myself to give life to daily life impossible. It still raises the hairs in my neck seeing in that sense what resides within me and what I am able to do to other people in the best and the worst sense. The voices in my head are never silent and I better listen carefully. So to round it up. It’s not that I’m not capable of pushing it or doing the ‘right thing’. The challenge for me is to stay connected to here and time shit right thus allowing someone else to be able to be a partner. So I can assist my partner without sidetracking and without me becoming a burden to such an extend it destroys the balance thus our equality within and as the relationship.

Like Enlil said: “you can only break into pieces if you are in pieces”. The magnificence of simplicity in relation to my habit of overcomplicating things. And within that point I see the fact that I was fucked from the start. I am and alway was ‘in pieces’. Scattered into countless fragments unable to put the pieces of the puzzle back together. Within that becomes clear that this process is the only way to lay that puzzle back into one clear image of me! To become one piece. And within that I see that I was alway fascinated by simplicity because within my work I have to simplify all the time. What I see is that simplicity enables me to be much more effective in walking through the complexity of things I create as myself as the pieces. But the process of simplification can be complex on top of that I have programmed myself to avoid complex and stressful situations out of fear for complexity. Judging complex things as ‘hard’ and ‘difficult’ and ‘tiring’ and ‘stressful’.

In fact we as the pieces is what we bring into a relationship as complexity and within that we ad complexity. A relationship will confront us with all the pieces we are as partners and individuals. To think a relationship wil simplify my life is one of the biggest misconceptions I ever had. Yes, a relationship can be a functional part that speeds up our process but within that the process of simplification is key. Because it creates clarity. We have to see and understand before acting and simplicity is awesome support within that process. To look back on this journey we walked as partners as the pieces within a relationship is a journey that’s hard to put into words.

I can write this down and look at all these points because of what we walked as our relationship. I am grateful for being able to do that and blessed that me and my partner took the effort of doing this together. It was hard and painful and very confronting for both of us at times. But I have no regrets! I’m humbled by what I have seen during this journey we made. Looking past my emotions and feelings related to energy surrounding the events, shame, humbleness and gratitude express themselves within me. No partner can change me, only I can. Within that, this moment in time must be exactly where I need to be. As it lies I can only conclude that my partner walked with me until she decided she could walk no further. That’s to be accepted and respected! Who Am I to judge that decision when I see myself within and as a part of the reason that decision was made. I respect her for her efforts. That she stayed flexible and patient within our relationship to the best of her abilities. On top of that I can only be impressed by the way she tried to stay principled but also forgiving within her observations and decision making processes towards me. It takes two to tango always. True compassion is an action and she often showed me what it entails to put that into practical behavior within a relationship. For me that was the very substance as a clear living example that bonded and still bonds me to her. Writing this down I see and realize that I’m only scratching the surface in relation to the points that have openend up within all of this.

I’m grateful for the fact I have more clarity at this point and I’m committed to come to terms with this period in my life through writing and self forgiveness. This is ground zero for me. The end of an era. I have changed and my life has changed over the past years. Within that I can comfort myself with seeing that whenever whoever walks into my life as a potential partner, the challenges I wil be facing remain the same. It’s up to me to determine what will happen in the future and that starts with giving myself a change!


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while walking into conflict within my relationships avoid asking myself specific questions and be aware in relation to moments of misunderstanding that arise out of fear as self doubt as I walked my relationship and within that I forgive myself that I didn’t share these questions with my partner in order to find answers together and within that I forgive myself for not being assertive enough to the point of enabling myself and my partner to reduce and or eliminate the consequences and outflows of my self doubt within and as the questions that came up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that within trying to avoid friction and conflict as the reaction as specific questions coming up within me within my relationship I accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive in my actions and thus ‘less than’ within the process of walking that relationship as a partner and thus allowing myself to become a lesser version of myself as a partner in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that to be able to establish clear communication with my partner and people in general regarding the actuality of a relationship within every moment realizing I cannot do that if I am not here within every moment as the actuality of myself and within that I see this requires real time self honest reflection and self direction within moments of friction and conflict realizing that these moments are always created through miscommunication/misunderstanding myself as part of the causality within the actuality of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within moments of unclarity, stress, friction, conflict within relationships, where projections and blame create strong energies and within that seeing myself blowing myself to pieces, go into this state of freeze and within that allowing myself to become scattered and run out of control instead of focusing and paying more attention to directing emotions and feelings coming up seeing realizing that they are in fact the alarm that is going of reminding me that within that specific moment the priority as the question to become my own master presents itself and I must act within the point of mastering myself by containing myself and my reactions within and as the definition of emotional maturity as my behavior as discussed with my partner in relation to what we agreed upon within what is accepted and allowed within our agreement as our relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no see, realize and understand that relationships and regret are the biggest enslavements points we as humanity are facing and within that I see that a real intimate relationship can potentially be the safest place for me and my partner to face ourselves as the painful truth of who we are and have allowed ourselves to become and within that I forgive myself for not being able to act on my realizations of what potential a relationship represents as the place to speed up my process of facing and changing the way I deal and act in relation to how I programmed myself to behave within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress emotions, feelings, reactions towards my partner within walking a relationship together, thinking I could somehow avoid the confrontation with the self centered reality of myself In a relationship and within suppressing myself miss opportunities to see the reality of myself reflected within and as my actions and reactions towards my partner and within that avoid confronting myself to the point of being able to see for real who I really am/have become within and as relationships and regret and within that I forgive myself for failing to see and use moments of friction and conflict as the self support they represent to their upmost potential as the opportunity to see, realize and understand and thus reveal to myself the extend of my own preprogramming within and as relationships and regret as the reality of me and my partner in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become reactive instead of active/inactive as the conscious effort of self reflection, enabling myself to see why and how I participate and express myself within and as fear in moments of conflict and friction within facing myself with a partner and within that use these moments/experiences as opportunities to sharpen my self corrective skills by slowing myself down, identifying relevant points of self sabotage and within that I forgive myself for being to afraid to change within the moment and be shit scared of what might reveal Itself within and as the reality of me and within that I forgive myself for not using these opportunities to transform moments of conflict and friction with my partner through realtime self reflection and self corrective action as self support to become a better version of myself that will continu to change the way I handle myself within moments of friction and conflict seeing realizing that real change requires action not reactions as re-acts or repeating acts within and as the robot I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my mind give more value to my preprogrammed ideas believes and projections of what a relationship should be instead of seeing in real time for real what is here, taking place as the sum of our collective parts and past as our persona’s in reality as the reality of us and our creation within that reality as the real version of who we are and what we have accepted and allowed to become within an intimate relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest within the point of seeing and realizing I was not taking full responsibility within and as the actions/work required for me to be successfully self employed to a minimum standard for me to have at least a minimum income and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing what the true extend was of what I was actually bringing into and shared within the relationship with my partner as the points that had to be integrated and within that I realize that my partner was unable to see realize and understand and take into consideration the whole reality of me as a self employed partner and everything that comes with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate to the point of clarity and reality why I censored and suppressed myself within the relationship I shared with my partner instead of sharing myself to the point my partners would have a clear picture of the challenges and practical points I am facing in my life and thus what is practically possible and impossible thus allowing us to address them together within our relationship as the practical place to train ourselves within and as the practical partakers within the point of mutual support .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make projections and assumptions based on how well I thought partner new me instead of seeing within every moment the reality of our relationship as the moments and situations that have to be directed between us as the solutions to be able to continu walking our process as partners within and as the relationship



mikelammers
Posts: 150
Joined: 07 Sep 2011, 23:10
Location: Netherlands
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Day 47-2017 07 06

Postby mikelammers » 22 Jul 2017, 16:24

Pondering on more points opening up.
What made diffusing conflict between me and my partner so difficult? Friction mostly developed when I found myself in situations where I actually needed support most. Stressful times where I found myself wrestling with keeping clear and my reality stable in relation to money. Things I had to do to keep moving. So when I would run into problems in relation to keeping everything stable in my life I would often allow myself to become agitated and stressed. Moments where my relationship and physical surroundings as ‘a safe place’ can be hugely supportive by enabling me to give myself the opportunity to shelter, take a breath and reflect on things with a partner that can reflect back and maybe give me a deeper understanding or more perspective on things.

I had all ready decided to take my struggle related too work and money related points not or as little as possible with me into the relationship. I did this from my perspective of seeing my partner being physically ill and having enough on her plate herself. I would share myself as little as possible about my experience of going through that struggle with myself even though I realized that it was there as the reality of me. Then this moment came where my partner asked me to be permanently in her life. I was surprised, I felt honored and I got very anxious. These questions popped up. How am I going to be a stable part of this relationship when everything in my life feels so fragile? Can I live up to the her expectations? How do I carry myself within this knowing how much I’m struggling with myself within keeping my life on track? Connected to these points is the fact that our history showed me that our biggest moments of conflict where connected to us having a lot on our plates and going through stressful moments in life. On top of that and in the past, money as succes had been a subject of projections and blame as well and this point would still resonated between us from time to time. And within these moments she could almost casually say something like: “your always busy and your life is always full and I think you are a grumpy old man” or something like that. So in these moments I often allowed myself to feel rejected and not taken seriously and I pulled back allowing myself to stay at sea instead of asking her to let me into the harbor. And within this I allowed myself to drift further from shore.

I just couldn’t voice myself in an emotional mature way. Often I couldn’t even find the words to describe how I felt (because I didn’t slow myself down). When I tried I often became emotional and scattered within my communication. I wanted to be clear but It was very frustrating and not clear to me why I couldn’t share myself the way I wanted to with my partner in that emotional mature way. And it happend almost every time I struggled. It got a bit better when that point of being emotional mature and what that practically entailed was specifically discussed between us. From that moment on I had a definition, a point of reference for myself when I saw myself going sideways. Like: “o I’m going sideways and all this energy is coming up and I’m hearing all this backchat and I’m even listening and reacting to it”. What to do? And if I was stable I would be able to make a real time connection to that point and use my definition of ‘emotional mature’ to adjust my reaction and behavior to a point where I was at least able to keep my mouth shut and listen and/or keep my reactions contained.

When my life became more complicated my relationship became more important. Before all this my partner realized she was actually very sick and that became a huge priority. I did what I could and tried to be of assistance as much as possible. But these moments where my partner would sort of pull herself back became more frequent. She would become more intellectual les physical, started talking a lot and distance herself from me. At the same time I was yearning for physical contact and the simple safety of being able to slow down and relax in the safe environment of my relationship. I often allowed myself to feel like an outsider or under scrutiny/investigation.

These where very painful experiences for me and it only amplified my struggle of coping with the situation by falling back on survival mechanisms related to being left alone to sort it out myself. Within my backchat I sometimes judged my partner as ungrateful, cold and distant towards me. In those periods I was really struggling with myself. I presume she did what she could but my anxiety had an adverse effect. So instead of my partner moving towards me she was obviously repelled by me. Her body language would change where she for example would turn her body away from me when I came close or she would turn her head away when I tried to kiss her. Or she would not sit next to me on the couch. Al these things I suppressed and I didn’t bring them to the table from my perspective and that created a lot of energy. Mainly related to this point of feeling resented. In those moments I became even more stressed and frustrated. I noticed I would start to mimic her behavior and distance myself from her as well. And from there we are clearly moving away instead of towards each other as the relationship.

Often this was the point in time where this huge emptiness connected to experiences of being left alone, being not important, not enough would come up inside me. The first feeling being pain. Like walking around with a concrete block in my stomach. Questions in my head would pop up like. Why is it that in these moments when I really need you to be physically here with me, you pull back? Here I was working my as of and really pushing myself and instead of being welcomed I was rejected. Why? I allowed thoughts like, am I only of interest when it suits you. What am I to you really and why do you want me in your life when I’m obviously a burden to you? I couldn’t stand within that inner turmoil at all. I totally fucked with myself.

Also within this the aspect of physicality is more important than I ever realized. We both really needed this physicality. Like going to the sauna for a day. Or stay in bed longer. Just taking quality time together to relax and diffuse physical tension slowly together in a safe environment. On days like for example going to the sauna we where capable of really slowing down. Being in a safe place as well, nude and vulnerable. Able to be literally naked, to relax and diffuse in the water and give ourselves the chance to just look at points as they came up from this intimate physical state with each other. My partner suggested we should do this at least ones a month. It absolutely supported us when we took the effort of doing so. In daily life the opposite happend. The more we needed days like these the less they occurred. In my case a lot of physical tension was building up. A big flag point because I’m even worse dealing with mental stress if my body is feeling tensed and I’m holding on to adrenaline for survival. Also my back was giving me a lot of trouble physically. And this constant pain was really distracting and made it even harder to keep a straight head. I can almost put these patterns on a timeline seeing them emerge. Like: Diffuse-find common ground-find perspective-make a plan of approach-walk-adjust-walk-moment-stress-more stress-not slowing down enough-no relaxation-no diffusing-allowing friction-suppression-irritation-conflict-outburst-crisis. This is what happened if we didn’t take the time to really come down together when we ran into things. Allowing the little things to stack up into a big thing that eventually wants to express itself and roam free.

It’s so weird and kaleidoscopic because we where very intimate with each other and than that would change in a matter of days into two people sort of going their own way and then it became very hard to get back to that slow, stable, conscious, intimate mode of being really together. Like there was my daily life that rather sucked and another life where we would feel in tune, connected and stable. Somehow we where not able to deal with this situation effectively. These points should have been but where not priority points in our daily life. Here was like a key or a method to get to a more stable foundation together but we couldn’t apply it effectively.

Sex is a big part of this equation as well. From my perspective we had way to little physical intimacy in the period leading up to our last disaster. Being in this mental and physical stress state all ready and not being able to really diffuse energy quick and effective made me feel like being in a pressure cooker. I got more and more frustrated and we became less and less intimate. At the same time I got more and more insecure and unstable. At this point in time anything can trigger a severe possession within me. And so that happened. Trigger being myself committed to helping my partner with her garden trying to do too much in too little time. Being in too much physical discomfort and not mentally stable. Boom!

I’m writing this in the early morning and what I notice is that it’s much easier to reflect on things in the morning than after a days work where my head is simply too much in tune with work and work related aspects going trough my mind. So let’s be conscious about this point! Sleep on it and write yourself out before the day takes over Mike!

I looked on the open forum and was reading a chat and found some very interesting perspectives and points I can very much relate to in relation to the points I’m facing within myself at the moment. I’m very relieved to read that certain insights overlap things I see within and as solutions. A METHOD is mentioned and I noticed a sigh of relieve within me. So at least I can trust myself somewhat in what I see and try to come to terms with here.

Notes from a public chat on the desteni forum:
Chat

sunettedimensions
Within and throughout the past years - 13 / 14 of Portalling, working and walking with Bernard and beyond this - there is one constant I have noticed when it comes to people: we are as different, as we are similar. This also relates to SUPPORT in walking through the mind into awareness. I have come across many people supporting 'others' and most giving up in a year, even sooner, using the common statement "they don't want to help themselves" - so, let's start here. Even me - when I started in this process - sometimes I spent even less time with a person and just went into "they don't want to help themselves" - but have we ever really DEFINED what this means? Let's first start with ourselves...."I don't want to help myself":

One of the MAIN dimensions I have equated when supporting another is me self honestly having explored every and ANY avenue I possibly can to support another and NO other options opening up within a month or so... So, whenever supporting another, I make sure I can stand by and before them and SHOW "I have done and pushed myself to every dimensions I could to support" OR "this is how you challenged me, I walked through and pushed through them, still - our paths separated"

If you are trying to change self judgement alone but it causes you to hurt yourself more than help yourself the word LENIENCY - we give ourselves YEARS to walk through a point, and change it - but when it comes to others, we tend to expect change within a certain time frame Meaning - sometimes YOU YOURSELF cannot be the support for the person they need. According to you "I have done what I can" Or how about - the person needs another INDIVIDUAL, ANOTHER METHOD you have not personally explored or lived or thought of? Explaining the LOCATION point of each one's process in existence?

The idea or maybe we judge ourselves, feel guilt and blame towards self for not being able to support.. and then possibly going into blame towards them as 'they just dont want to help themselves' The HEART of the recordings shares that each one of us on earth are in different TIME ZONES of our processes.

Some TAKES YEARS to walk through ONE POINT YET takes a couple days to quickly move through others

When we tend to want to HELP others we focus only on the negative. We seldom balance their strengths

Let's do an exercise from today until Saturday
We are going to note our WEAKNESSES and strengths in a balance SUPPORT BOTH EQUALLY (balance is the key). Not just look at the BAD and try and HELP / SAVE IT but look at the GOOD and STREENGTHEN IT To stand in the position of "how can I show them their equal weaknesses and strengths to work on" and if the weaknesses take over, to focus on the strengths. We tend to want to PROJECT others giving up who we are trying toi HELP only with their PROBLEMS - when in fact we are not equally helping ourselves OR THEM to BALANCE equal support with strengths and weaknesses to BUILD THE GOOD while we tackle the BAD essentially. If we focus on the BAD ONLY - we fuel it. We tend to project and expect change unto others. But do not realise it is coming from out own personal mindset and we are standing equal to and one with them in fact.

So, we are starting to prepare ourselves to ensure we do not project and expect unto others processes. We do use the statement "they don't want to help themselves" when we walk away but we LEARN how our own processes work, how theirs work and suggest paths accordingly and support / new directions accordingly.

Jezus
So, a KEY dimension discussed in the recording is essentially showing how OVERCOMPLICATING redefining and living words stems from resistance stemming from the source of refusing full responsibility for creation and the ADDICTION we have we so readily and easily shift into when it comes to rather opting for all the things such as blame, reasoning, justifications, projections, victimizations, helplessness....and much much more. So, that's a cool question that can be utilized indeed "what will I NOT be able to do if I were fully responsible for my words, actions and thoughts" - to be able to ask and assess in self honesty

Say 'I STOP", then BREATHE and as you BREATHE you CHANGE FOCUS on the physical and sensation on breathing, physical senses will naturally change the relationship and experience to thoughts and emotions...even a washing cycle doesn't IMMEDIATELY stop right in its tracks, the machione and system slows down before it comes to a stop. Same WITHIN. You press STOP, you SAY STOP then the slowing down to stopping starts with breath and changing focus. The moments where I get swept away by my experiences - for example, suddenly feeling so overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness that I start crying. Yes, I know what it may be related to, but STILL!!! CRYING??? Now??? randomly??? lol - meaning, the momentsa where I get so carried away with my emotions it is not how I usually am

I have found those moments to opening up a new process for me in understanding my self, my emotions - BUT I oftentimes judged myself for them!!! cause I'd really think / believe something is wrong, I wasn't as good as I thought at directing my emotions / thoughts, forgiving and changing lol - as though, that ONE MOMENT ruined EVERYTHING I walked and changed and did, when all the while!!! the moments where we feel we have lost control and our emotions come out in a different way than EVER BEFORE - is a NEW PROCESS UNFOLDING!!!

A NEW LAYER of process opening up within self - shaking loose and shaking open within your mind, being and body and so with that, yeah lol it is a shaky shaky experience

I have seen a similar transition of their being into the body when men genuinely exercise / for fitness / do physical work they may actually then find themselves to yes, at the same time as becoming more stable and quiet also become more aware of their mind and emotions

[WHAT WILL I NOT BE ABLE TO DO IF I WERE FULLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WORDS, ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS] !!!
I allowed myself to make assumptions in regard to how well I really new myself and how well my partner really new me. Within intense moments it often became tricky because as time passed I very often doubted myself within the point of being able to deal with these moments on a practical level. Especially my misconceptions in relation to what level I was able to stand as stability and adres conflict within myself.

What I experienced as extremely difficult was dealing with myself in relation to deep seated patterns related to personal trauma within the both of us.

Stability from the perspective of displaying emotionally mature behavior and being able to observe and direct my reactions when I find myself in intimate situations of conflict within relationships or within difficult times in general. What I now see realize and understand within this is that conflict within relationships is something that will happen sooner or later on different levels of severity. And within that every conflict is specific in relation to me as the participant within that relationship at that specific moment in time.

Every conflict will eventually and specifically show me where I was not able to direct myself and thus becomes a window of opportunity to direct the situation to a point of mutual support and/or a learning experience that speeds up movement and growth.

What I now see is that real destructive conflict within my relationships mostly developed in relation to points where both where having similar problems or points that presented themselves.

One cannot accept destructive behavioral patterns that are going to be suppressed. It wil come back stronger and fuck the shit out of us. So in our case the relationship had to be redefined continuously or would fast become an atomic war.

Bernard gave me the best definition of what a relationship is. You either move towards each other or away from each other. That’s fundamental simplicity and common sense to me. It sounds simple and in theory it is that simple. This was my mission and self agreement. The kind of simplicity that I can fall back on and visualize when life in a relationship challenges me and things become too multi dimensional for me. So I committed myself as an active part to a relationship. A process where to beings would permanently repel and attract each other on conscious, unconscious and subconscious levels.

And then I realized that this ‘only moving towards’ was practically impossible because we learn through this ’attracting and repelling’ movement. In other words by screwing things up and making mistakes. And within that I realize that the first reason for making mistakes is not taking enough time to allow ourselves to really see when we encounter a question we don’t have the direct answer to. A definitive moment to say stop!

The awesome thing within a relationship is that we will create these fuckups anyhow so dealing with them can only be done by being retrospective and pragmatic and come up with solutions together. As I see it we are walking alone with the relationship being the place where we do our internship. Awesome right! In theory this process is the ultimate way to see and experience ones personal growth and expansion within a relationship as wel as seeing and learning what the causality is within the fuckups we create with others as relationships.

It becomes problematic if my specific patterns of behavior overlap with those of my partner. It wil then become much more difficult for us to actively or passively oversee and direct situations of conflict because the specific patterns will be activated in both of us simultaneously. As I see it that created situations of extreme polarity between us where we where not able to move effectively in the desired direction, witch is towards each other.

I will eventually find myself possessed spewing out nonsense and horrific stuff in order to create a chaotic situation as a hiding place and excuse to not take self responsibility for my part in creating this collective tantrum. The moment I allow myself to separate myself completely while fighting a war with that one person I trusted with my life a moment ago. I have now separated myself from that person thus created a situation of separation.

Apart from the fact that no one wants to be in them, ones you are both in that destructive state it becomes hard to break the chain of events. And most of the time the consequences are severe because the whole relationship is practically blown from her foundation.

Now I find myself in a situation and we are wrestling to deal with it. We have arrived at the absolute opposite in relation to the starting points that formed the agreement or relationship in the first place. And I cannot get to a point of clarity within myself in relation to that other person.

The potential I thought I had to do so apparently is not there. So did I fool myself? Was it ever there? Now I’m starting to ask the wrong questions and it has become an experience of distrust, pain, confusion and separation. An emotional experience that feels impossible to overcome because I don’t trust myself thus the other person.

I become even more confused and start judging myself intensely because apparently I’m wrong and not capable of trusting my own perspective on things. So from both persons perspective within that moment of turmoil, it makes no sense to be with each other, let alone be in a relationship. Here is the person I choose to walk with and I can’t find it in myself to see all of that person. This is where self honesty and self intimacy should step in but I am the possession in full force.

I made a bad situation even worse because of what I allowed to be created and not directed. We have to figure this out together but there is no together at this point. I feel it and I see it and It’s the last thing I want so why can’t I voice myself?

And that’s when I realize I’m fucked because I fucked up and then I become super insecure and scared. Fear that expresses itself as frustration that becomes anger that becomes rage as I continu to create more friction within myself. The events leading up to our latest disaster are a perfect example of this principle.

Here is the moment a new situation is created that will have consequences within and as the relationship. I screwed up and there is no escaping it. I have become part of the problem instead of the solution.

So because of these pattern and over the past seven years we had to wipe the slate clean more than once and start over. It’s hard to describe how I experienced myself when we gave each other a clean slate after screwing shit up. I never experienced this principle let alone believed this was possible to do practically. This was completely new to me and it made so much sense. It’s impossible to grow without growing pains or making mistakes.

Allowing a partner to fuck up to a point one has to face oneself overseeing the whole chain of events and the consequences created, was completely new to me. It felt completely out of this world because it was completely new to my reality! But mutual (for)giving should be unconditionally and all points that lead to a situation should be addressed, forgiven and made futureproof.

Over time I realized I was not able to do this to the required level because in moments of conflict past events and experiences with my partner still came up and where expressed by me as points of blame.

My personal focus regarding the future was on commitment to real change.

At the same time there was permanent inner conflict because within moments of conflict my commitment to my partner was brought to the table as a point of blame towards me more than once. Within that I started fucking with myself, convincing myself that my level of commitment was not high enough. I started judging myself as being ‘not enough’.

I’m in a situation I created myself by being dishonest because I put too much on my plate. I failed to see this and communicate it in a mature, constructive and self supportive way. Stuck in these constructs and patterns of behavior and self judgement my slate can never be completely clean. My part of the slate is judged by myself as ‘not enough’. So ‘not enough’ remains on my slate as self judgement allowing myself to feel judged as ‘not enough’. Wil I ever be enough for her? Will I ever become more than I am when I allow myself to believe “I’m not enough”? Participating within and as this construct I would start to change my behavior towards my partner based on inferiority and that would always lead to an unbalance within our partnership from equal to not equal.


These electric storms of conflict create severe situations within relationships. And even when the outflow is addressed or forgiven. We ought to realize that we are only dealing with the tips of icebergs that reside in us. In our case, when friction became conflict, it was almost always related to these icebergs. To me it showed that there was always more waiting under the surface on whatever level within the both of us. Within this we often failed to focus on really slowing ourselves down although we concluded more than once that this was of the upmost importance for us. Within this ’balance’ and ‘patience’ where key solutions we needed to work on if we wanted to keep moving towards each other.

We both had overlapping issues in relation to (self)trust, being abandoned and bullied within relationships. On top of that, if neither of us was able to remain stable in specific moments of friction our coping mechanisms would often kick in and amplify everything we said, did or was happening between us. For me this made real time dealing with those situations very problematic and confusing. I often lost clarity because I would loose every form of oversight.

That lead to these flee or fight situations. And within them I didn’t want to fight. So I would bail out most of the time and leave.

Me and my partner both have tendencies to push things a little too far and brake late. That maybe explains why when things went haywire they went haywire so fast. This is about knowing and applying ones inner and outer limits as well as those of a partner. How far can I reasonably push it? Did I push it too far? Here again it’s all about setting honest, supportive and healthy limits beforehand instead of having to force them unto each other as blame in a moment of conflict or in our world later as damage control.

Some people I know who are in long relationships and are confronted with partners who have issues and push things too far are somehow able to simply say; “hey cut the crap, fuck off and come back when you are able to act and speak normal”. And then they sort of leave it there on pause. They can somehow make a very fast and clear distinction between the problem, their problem and the problem with that other person. And they seem to do it in real time. It appears like they brake the chain of events while they unfold in an early stage. It might not adres the causality or underlying currents and it doesn’t solve the whole problem. But in a sense it probably gives addressing and solving the problem in the future a greater chance for succes. This approach is by no definition a total solution but it creates a space in time for energy levels to drop. It creates space for both participants. It creates an opportunity to slow down. From my perspective this increases the chance for a successful and supportive dialog.

I can apply this principle most of the time when I’m working with people professionally. But only if I have clarity in the moment, see my limits and am commitment to guard them. Why is it so hard for me to do the same in intimate relationships outside work? Here I become almost a different person. Seeing myself keeping quiet and suppress myself more and within that I see and realize that it has to do with avoiding friction thus only creating more friction.

From my perspective and within that process of becoming more effective in these situations, my partner moved faster within herself than I did. It always takes two to tango but me being in the matrix and wrestling with these point of patience and balance often resulted in me being the initial cause of friction. If physical discomfort and pain is also in the mix and I become fatigued, I loose almost all elasticity. At least that’s how I experienced it. Feeling judged as not doing enough or failing to commit to my partner. The one that is always causing friction and always fucks things up. My relationship over the past seven years showed me time and time again that these dynamics and money impacted our process of walking together the most.

But here I am doubting myself within the point of thinking that It’s not enough. It was never enough.

I find it very hard to admit to myself and deal with how big, multidimensional and complex these inferiority patterns are hidden within me and how severe and unexpected they can pop out and impact my life. I unconsciously must have kept convincing myself that my partner would eventually give up on me because I wil never be enough. Not seeing realizing that this is precisely the kind of self manipulation that makes me end up in exactly that place. Believing I was not meant to have this relationship, let alone see realize and experience what potential it inhabits.

After all this time and moments like these, this big void shouldn’t be a surprise because I created it. What I created is overwhelming me nevertheless.

After I realized how utterly stupid my actions where and after I did some writing I was relieved to see that shame started to manifests within me. But I reacted very aggressively when that happened. What use is shame when it doesn’t give me clarity?

Then this deep depression manifested and I just wanted to give up completely. The energy came down and I became completely numb. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I was literally feeling sick. Luckily I can identify that for what it is! The point of regret as the fundamental point of enslavement within me!

Reflecting on the events I realize that it’s still paramount for me to keep focussing on the point of ‘trying to do too much too fast’.

And within relationships the best thing I can do is use them as support for slowing myself down. Especially when I experience myself with a partner as ‘more than I deserve’ and ‘not enough’. Within that I can focus on why I experience myself in that way and within that I can adres specific points. To give myself a window of opportunity to learn how to take action when that action is required and to be self honest about my ability to do what I can within a specific moment in time. As the present shows, It was ‘not enough’. So what’s enough? What did I miss besides not stopping myself in time?

I have a big responsibility for situations I create within relationship(s)! So it’s very important to keep my head straight and learn how to keep actively involved in directing a relationship and my standing within it. To walk that practically I need to define simple but essential rules based on the specific patterns I express within a relationship.

Practical boundaries that work within a relationship on a daily bases. A step by step method I can apply even if my days go haywire or in periods of stress and confusion. It’s of the upmost importance in relation to me as a partner. It is self evident that we have to have mutual clarity as to why these rules are defined and how they should be practically applied by both. And what to do if one of us for whatever reason fails to do so (because sooner or later that will happen)?

Like the word agreement implies, there cannot be any misconceptions from both sides regarding why we walk together and how I want to apply myself within that process in relation to a partner that walks with me.

These rules and regulations should work as tools for self intervention not as limitations regarding points where partners are having difficulty standing as support for one another. They should work for both sides in a relationship based on an equal spread of the load so that both are able to use them as constructive ways to end conflict and friction before things get’s out of control. Should that happen then there is plan B. But let’s make clear that plan B in real life always implies damage control. Something I rather avoid but prefer over the complete destruction of what was created and walked over time.

How can I ask someone to be a permanent part of my life if I’m not able to stand as that permanent point? I can’t. It would be very dishonest to sell myself the idea that that is possible. I would be expecting more than I invest. I would be out for profit! No equality there!

Both people in a relationship have to have a clear understanding of the past-present relationship in relation to what is playing out in the moment. Daily life not always gives us that opportunity and that can be problematic.

In theory one must be able to stand in whatever outflow takes place and if possible be capable of directing oneself and thus the relationship in the desired direction of a solution. If one is not capable of doing so there should be no blame.

To bring this back to myself and myself alone. When my partner is confronted with one of the tips of my icebergs and is able to adres that. I must be able and committed to fall back on the agreement and other methods agreed upon to get to a point of stability and patience within myself to be able to really asses myself within the situation and eventually share myself with my partner

Unfortunately daily life expects me to do more than just that and that’s where the whole picture has to be taken into consideration and things become a bit more multi dimensional.

I’m absolutely convinced that the whole picture of what the relationship entails is always seen and interpreted differently by those participating in a relationship. This seeing/experiencing things differently is often the root cause for questioning each others commitment and responsibilities within a relationship. So how I see someone else’s reality is never to become a projection of what I think is real or true!

It still raises the hairs in my neck seeing in that sense what resides within me and what I am able to do to other people in the best and the worst sense. The voices in our heads are never silent and I better listen carefully.

The challenge for me is to stay connected to here and time shit right thus allowing someone else to be able to be a partner. Where I can assist my partner without sidetracking and without me becoming a burden to such an extend it destroys the balance thus our equality within and as the relationship.




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