Rant and rave about creating mutual understanding and stance regarding personal and professional lives within a relationship.
Also here I have experienced a lot of trouble and frustration because my partner has been out of the professional environment for more than ten years and has limited insight and experience within the actual corporate and commercial market environment. I had weeks where I worked more than sixty hours under severe stress and I noticed she had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually took me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment in this time frame
She really tried to be understanding and flexible and that was cool. However, from my experience that primarily remained intellectual understanding and not experience or seeing the specifics of what it was that I had to do and go through on a daily bases. She knew I was busy and under a lot of stress. Dealing with it and understanding it on a practical level as a ‘partner’ was apparently something else. I saw her doing her best to stand with me to the best of her abilities and I highly respected that because no one had ever done that on this level. I had never seen her committed to that role! It was new, refreshing and it was very supportive from the perspective of knowing my partner really practically tried to stand with me while I was doing my best to create momentum for myself. From that perspective the definition of ‘internship’ describes walking an agreement much better than the word ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ for that matter. You cannot beat the experience of doing it yourself and you cannot make projections about what you are going to experience. You simply don’t know. What you know is that you will encounter a lot of situations that are going to be completely new and maybe frightening. Moments that require self-direction. And only by going through the physical process of finding out what the situation requires within and as movement as practical solutions will determine what I take out of the ‘internship’ as practical experience. That’s what’s cool about an internship versus me having a lot of knowledge and information but no practical experience to use to produce physical solutions within and as awareness as physical actions that can be traced back to me within and as me walking a relationship
My partner really tried to be understanding and patient with me although she isn’t the patient type at all. Over the years I have experience first hand that If she wanted something, she usually wanted it right away. It was quite funny actually because this drive of her can really get things done as well. I always tried to assist and looked for ways to help her realize what she wanted. The problem was being involved and thus I became connected to those choices she made even if they turned out to be costly and failed experiments. This created a few situations over the years where after her failed experiments I was faced with hidden blame simply because I was now apparently connected to that created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choices my partner made. I always tried to prevent these situation by giving as much perspective as I could before she decided to do something ‘big’. Seeing that as the only thing I could do to give her as much options to choose from and create a clear image of what it was I saw her getting into.
However I can conclude that I have never succeeded in stopping her beforehand from making decisions. I wasn’t always sure about her endeavors. However, expressing doubt in those moments mostly made her more determined to go through with what she had in her head. I am familiar with this point because it’s something I see myself do as well. Within her behaviour she could be a real diva within this. Luckily her moving to the east of holland grounded this point more or less. She eventually had to rent her own house and had to manage her own life and everything in it, including the financial aspects. A changed financial situation with a fixed amount of money available per month meant she became much more aware of the value of money in the practical sense. And soon after that I saw that she really started deprogramming this ’rich bitch character’ within her. But occasionally, I as ‘a man’ was confronted with true diva behaviour and disdain. These moments where a real struggle for me and there was little too nothing I could do or say to make her change her mind or attitude.
Luckily she had that reality check after her divorce and she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money. In the past she spited me occasionally for not having enough money without ever taking the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed. Let’s put it this way. She could be very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt from my perspective. I frequently had this feeling that I was of little to no influence on her. That I eventually didn’t matter! That same point was manifesting itself again before we had our last confrontation. So it’s still there. Also within her reaction to my backchat there where still these connections she made where she blamed me for letting her down, not being there enough and not finishing what I started. And within that I became agitated and very angry. I judged her as an ungrateful bitch and I really wondered why she didn’t realize that most situations she referred to where initiated by herself as her own personal choices.
So we often found ourselves within miscommunication through misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side and that’s where the physical would step in and direct the situation and show us exactly what we where doing. Where we found ourselves in the aftermaths with hands on personal experience but a lot of mess to clean up (which is a practical point and experience within relationships as well). It revealed to us the true nature of who we were as partners and what we where practically doing to direct and misdirect our lives. When I put that whole point of my work and money in front of me and look at it. I see that we agreed to push things because we both saw that’s how you progress. And I pushed for real. My problem in retrospect is, that in general she demanded way more from me than I was comfortable with and she could be very outspoken about it. In those moments I often became stressed because there was fear connected to seeing her behave like that. Like, ‘o shit, there is my old partners again’. I would also within me judge her for not taking my reality seriously and within that I would judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful. This was connected to my life and seeing my partner not being an active part of the commercial environment I was confronted with on a daily bases. How can someone judge my reality if the person does not have that same experience?
Really rich people and companies get rich by being absolute ass holes (there are a few exceptions). My partner knew this from her own experience in life. Now what does she expect me to do here? Walking my process in the night time and be a moneymaking ass hole in the daytime or something? And how would I practically switch between these two regarding my relationship? I was getting to a point within myself where it became a real burden and I started to look for ways to avoid these confrontations. The best way was to simply not talk about it or bring anything up so there would not be no reason to talk about it. After our last clash it came to a point where I thought - you should walk this shit yourself in your own life before you place an opinion or judgement on my life, a life that is not even on your radar screen in all dimensions -
I came to a conclusion (where I see that this is partly a coping mechanism of me dealing with a difficult experience). It went a long the line of: “Partner it is time you experience for yourself what it means to make your own living as a self employed individual while walking your process and a demanding relationship with two children involved like I do. If I take all the experiences and events we shared into consideration, you have time and time again shown, that albeit best efforts of managing your expectations and being patient with me, my total reality is still not seen or taken into consideration by you fully and within that you’re demands, expectations and the way you project them unto me are not realistic. So you either consciously disregard a large part of my reality or you don’t really see and realize to the full extend what my life practically entails and within that you apparently come to the conclusion that I’m not a preferred partner to walk a relationship with. From my perspective it makes no sense to ask me to be a permanent part in your life let alone that I’m able to live up to your expectations on what ever unconscious level they may express themselves”.
Now she would say that she doesn’t judge me in relation to that point. She always worked hard to get to points of clarity and she was good at it. But that’s not all she is or did. She was as much dealing with personality disorders and issues as I was. There is so much more under the surface. Every now and then it would pop up as hidden blame or an observation of sorts. If I would have seen these dimensions sooner and in more clarity, I could probably have addressed them. But not even at this point is it completely clear to me how these dynamics played out between us exactly.
Again the point of trust pops up. After a long journey that took almost 7 years you ask someone to be a permanent part of your life, knowing who that person is in word and deed with the bag of shit and everything else that comes with it. And you expect this person to see this relationship in a new context albeit the old context is still influencing every aspect of the relationship. What can you expect that other person to feel, do and base his or her actions on? Especially if that invitation is becomes a break up within no time at all. I couldn’t get my head around that pattern between us and the events it created and how they played out in real time.
Multiple moments and situations like this have presented themselves over the past seven years so one might assume that making a fundamental decision like asking someone to be a permanent part in your life is made against the backdrop of who that person is as the sum of his or her parts. A person you observed, scrutinized and walked with for more than seven years. Let’s stop kidding ourselves here. Either one sees what one is getting into or one become more specific as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life. So if that question is ‘real’ it implies that the whole person as a partner is embraced and taken into consideration including his or her bag of shit. From my perspective this confirms the fact I cannot take invitations like that serious ever again. If there is something I learned the past years it’s that such a question comes from a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of the persons on this relationship into consideration. Then there is the point of intimacy as our sex life. I was not satisfied at all within this point and I didn’t give it the attention it needed. It became an issue for me. It made me loaded and grumpy sometimes but I tried to stand with it from the perspective of sex being something that has a different meaning and expression for every individual and from that point I tried to embrace my partners and I have done so as long as I can remember.
I have behaved like an enormous ass hole and my partner as a hysterical bitch. It’s what it is and part of who we are and allowed ourselves to be. Within this brake up all that shit came to the surface and we have to take our share of the load here. I really haven’t got a clue to where we are going to end up. I have pushed myself as hard as I could and that was way too hard. It accumulated into real physical trouble that is having a big impact on my daily life. It unfortunately all came crumbling down at her place, in her and the children’s presence and that created a severe situation. What should have been a moment to face, see and open up these points became a breaking point and I fell. The consequences thereof are now opening up these points. It probably had to unfold like this and I’m starting to feel my centre again and make peace with it. There are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up. Especially because it now all seems so obvious and stupid. So here I have some more to walk before this is done. So I have to let it all go. Make a stand and focus on myself within this. She should really have that experience walking this reality without me whatsoever. I know from my own experience that If money is always there, one gets used to money. For me it’s the opposite and to have the same amount of money to spend at the end of a month she is receiving without working a job would mean working at least 60 hours a week. Integrating that into becoming a more permanent point in my partners life at that point seemed impossible from my perspective.
You can judge, have expectations or spite another person for not being successful or for not having money, but one has to realize that to make money with selling services is to bill hours. Within all of this I realize we come from two different realities and life experiences. We worked hard to bring that together and we are simply meeting up with the manifested consequences of that process. It’s also a seven year cycle so there is more to this point in time I probably realize. I have to make some tough decisions regarding the next seven years and the place I give relationships, friendships and social life within that.
The dilemma as I see it in a nutshell
• More hours-More money-Less time with partner-friction
• Les hours-Less money-Less movement-friction with partner
I talked with a female colleague about this point who happens to be self employed as well and she said that it’s impossible for someone else to understand the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it if you haven’t gone through the experience yourself. So either you are capable of truly accepting your partner within and as these dynamics and really let it go or you find someone else that fits your relationship demands. Within that I understand the inner conflict my partner might have had, because from a process perspective it simply shouldn’t matter. If there is enough common ground to walk together you should be able to do so. Sure, from a system perspective you can find a docile and following individual that fulfills enough relationship needs and you start a relationship and leave it there. But that was never our starting point.
So here I am, a-part again. Trying to figure it out and seeing the potential we as partners have together as what has all ready been walked. What I did and how I behaved in some moments was unacceptable. Moments where I had to face hard interventions by my partner. In retrospect, the interventions that took place where almost always related to me, with me as either the trigger for her personal demons or me loosing my way unable to control a possession. And within all of this I keep feeling seriously overlooked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner had little to no clue as to the effort, time and energy it actually takes me to run my own company and be part of a startup within a corporate environment and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for the doubt/questions that arose within me regarding me becoming a more permanent point in my partners life and the answers those questions required as clear communication from my part regarding that assumption I made and within that I see and realize that my partner doesn’t have to see all the dimensions of me but only has to see me for real here giving my best to be specific and clear within my communication in relation to my doubts and fears in order to give my partner the best possible opportunity to simply see realize and understand what is realistic in relation to managing her own expectations in relation to the dimensions that will likely open up after I become a permanent point in her life and to within that enable the both of us to see for real what is and is not possible from the perspective of personal wishes and projections regarding the point of having each other as partners within and as the total sum of our parts as the starting point for what I now see realize and understand to be the start of a new process, and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that a new process requires a fresh look and new starting point from the perspective of the changing dynamics we both will face in relation to becoming more permanent parts in each others lives and the changing dimensions and obstacles we therefore are likely to encounter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the time I’m now investing in giving myself clarity by writing and self forgiveness was not available to me because of being actively involved in a relationship with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that coming to a clear understanding within myself in regards to the points opening up in relation to the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partner’s life is essential and within that I see that if these points open up within a relationship the relationship has already changed and within that I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that this change and points opening up as this change as these questions and feelings of doubt need the same time/attention anyway and within that I realize I should have reserved and shared that time within my relationship with my partner to get to a clear understanding in order to design and program practical solutions in regards to how we want to live and shape our relationship as that new process we are both starting and within that see the necessity to come to too a clear and redefined agreement with myself and my partner because within that is the opportunity to give ourselves the best possible starting point for walking what is to come together successfully.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize within points opening up in my relationship after the question of becoming a more permanent part in my partners life was asked, the necessity to always investigate and come to a clear understanding within and as myself so I can enable myself to communicate and share with my partner the specific points I see opening up and within that the observation that it is essential for my partner to see and understand these points so we can prepare ourselves and thus the relationship to move in a direction we both agreed upon seeing who we are within and as the relationship up to that point and all we bring to the table as who we are within and as ourselves including the bags of shit we still carry as our hidden patterns, as the trauma, as the potential breaking points as the points we have not yet faced and walked within and as our relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as understanding and flexible and within that place her in my reality as intelligent and flexible and within and from that convince myself she is thus interpreting intellectually and thus not able to see my physical reality and specifics of what it is I have to do and go through on a daily bases related to my self employment and within that I forgive myself for not trying to cross reference this assumption with my partner into the nitty gritty in order to understand for myself within absolute clarity what it is we have come to face as partners as BFF’s within and as our relationship as the starting point for a new process that I see is now knocking on our door(s) as a relationship that needs redefining!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and act (out) as if I was the permanent problem/cause connected to situations of friction and conflict emerging from our relationship by being involved in my partner making choices that turn out to be and are seen and judged by my partner as costly experiments and within that I forgive myself for not directing myself and come to clarity and standing within myself in order to support my partner and the stability of our relationship in moments where this construct was used as hidden blame between us as the collective sum of our parts as our projections and reactions as who we are and express ourselves in separation within this relationship, now seeing my responsibility in relation to the severe outflows these patterns had in our past and can have in the future as part of our personalities as friction in our relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to failed experiments in relation to my partner as part of my relationship where I was faced with hidden blame where my partner connected me too a created problem even though it was solely based on a personal choice my partner made and within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my responsibility within this and from that point come to a clear understanding within and as myself to who I am and want to be when I communicate with my partner regarding, my doubts and inner conflict, seeing within this that creating clarity regarding the points we are facing in the moment is of the utmost importance in relation to how we deal and resolve friction as partners within and as our relationship without wasting time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I had to stop my partner beforehand from making decisions that I saw as not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant instead of focussing on getting my emotional skills to the level required to communicate my standing clearly and without energy attached from the starting point of doing what is best for all involved within the relationship before making assumptions based on what I project and believe to be, not wise, costly, complex, not workable or not relevant
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that an emotional mature, competent decision can also entail that I give my partner a change to fail because sometimes it’s simply more effective and thus consumes less time and within that see and understand that my partner is able to do the same and that after these moments have been directed by myself and my partner I should be grateful for having someone in my life taking the effort to let me fall in a controlled way albeit my experience within that moment and my reactions towards my partner may be completely different and within that I forgive myself for not using moments of severe possessions to the best of my ability because I react out of anger, fear and shame and within that fail to see that these are actually personal pressure cookers I can use to eat my portion of progression sooner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place and degrade myself as the handyman within my partners reality instead a boats mate within and as the definition of shared responsibility for our relationship while out at sea in the system within the point of priorities required to get to a clear understanding of the actuality and coarse of our relationship and what it practically requires to keep the relationship in sea worthy shape
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that walking these relationships points is not walking these points only to get to a clear understanding of them for myself but for my partner and everyone facing these dimensions and events within relationships as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing that even my self forgiveness can be a mindfuck instead of a process to become self-centred in the right sense of the word
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become too computerized and rigid within my approach to daily life to see that I walk this proces to study my starting points as the blue prints of the programs I use to sabotage myself into separation within ‘all’ my relationships and within that I see that I’m interconnected and the only way to stop this is to de-connect and de program myself, especially within a intimate relationship albeit the huge resistance I experience when that relationship process demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the experiences of resistance when a process within my intimate relationships demands specificity, clarity and discipline within all aspects, not seeing and realizing that by giving into resistance I’m actually postponing the process of getting to the specifics of why I and how I walk myself into conflict and how I can walk myself out of patterns as my resistant behaviour through witch I sabotage myself by denying myself the gift of specificity, clarity and discipline within that seeing that resistance is always a specific point and opportunity in space and time for real change and within I see realize and understand that to address my behaviour as self limitation and change that behaviour is to enable myself to become more flexible, clear and specific and literally physically train myself within and as mastering actual practical discipline as the most efficient way to change myself in real time within moments regarding points of resistance related to the negative dynamics between me and my partner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my backchat judge my partner as stubborn, over determined and impatient, not seeing realizing that these projections and judgements I make are but one sided projections coming from me and that they are projected by me because I’m not willing myself within these moments to slow myself down, stop, breath and first investigate for myself and within myself why I allow myself to judge a partner based on one sided parts of the picture/perspective I create within my mind and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that in these moments I’m actually all ready starting to participate within a polarized situation I am creating myself as conflict by allowing myself to become and act one sided and reactive towards my partner and within that focus on the wrong person instead of myself first as the instigator of possible friction and conflict within my relationship witch is actually my own stubbornness, impatience and inflexibility in relation to not wanting or willing myself to really change these points and within that I see that the more I push and force myself to always look at the whole picture the sooner I will be able to ‘stop myself in time and see the polarity playing out within these moments of friction between me and my partner and within that I see realize and understand that being able to do that is the start of real change within and as the opportunity to either participate within or stop my participation as the creator of polarity between me and my partner and thus allowing myself to become and be an active participant within the process of bringing these moments to a point of stability and clarity so me and my partner can walk from the same perspective in a more harmonious and simplified environment and by doing so get things done more efficiently and within that I forgive myself for not focussing on trying to bring all these points to the table in situations that require objective* and solid advice from my part and within that I forgive myself for not pushing myself more in situations of conflict within relationships out of fear of destroying my partners ‘positive moment’ out of fear for creating ‘negative moments’ within my relationships wherein I allow myself to feel judged as the one that always focusses on things that could go wrong and be the seen as the ‘spoiler of happy moments’ as the one that ‘always spoils the party’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the ‘weird one’ that ‘always spoils the party’ not seeing that this is part of who I am and how I have behaved in the past and projected myself within and as my personality and behaviour towards people, seeing realizing that within that point I’m actually the one not willing myself to change myself within this point as my behaviour as my actions and reactions and thus limit myself within the point of actual real change within and as my relationships as who I am and want to be for real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner within the point of displaying ’rich bitch’ and ‘diva’ behaviour as disdain towards me and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that my ability to see these specific points within and as someone else’s behaviour can only be seen by me if they are part of who I am and my behaviour as well and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that when I react I’m always reacting as my own creation as self-judgement in relation to the point I’m reacting too and within that I see that investigating these points of judgement in relation to how I behave as disdain should be investigated and walked first so I can be an example for myself as to how I want to deal with this point practically for myself as a living example instead of judgement towards my partner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself that it’s hard for me or that there is little I can do or say in moments of conflict between me and my partner to make her change her mind or attitude within that seeing and realizing that I’m assuming to know my partner well enough to draw that conclusion seeing realizing that I don’t know myself well enough within the same points to draw that conclusion and within that assuming allow myself to become the instigator of more conflict instead of a directing force towards a solution that benefits the relationship thus the both of us equally seeing realizing that my partner needs experiences as confrontations with who she is and has become just as much as I do in order to be able to make choices based on actual experience and within that I forgive myself for not seeing the ability of my partner to change within and as her behaviour towards me after her divorce where she became less judgemental in relation to my struggle with work and money because of her own experience with that struggle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bullied by my partner in the past for not having enough money and within that assuming that she never took the effort of really investigating and experiencing for herself what the dynamics of my life entailed, seeing and realizing that within that point I have not created sufficient clarity for myself in relation to that point and thus not for my partner thus allowing my partner to be really able to see how and what my life entails and make decisions based on that reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as very outspoken, unreasonable and way to blunt and within that assume that I was of little to no influence on her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by anger and frustration based in feeling treated as ungrateful by my partner as a reaction to her backchat where she made spiteful remarks in relation to me supposedly letting her down and never finishing what I start, and within that judge my partner as as an ‘ungrateful bitch’ within the point of seeing her not take self responsibility for initiating those situations within and as situations of conflict in our relationship based on en originating from her own personal choices and within that I forgive myself for not being able to stand and communicate this with my partner from my perspective in a constructive and clear manner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and thus postpone self development through miscommunication and misunderstanding and lack of stance from my side, within that seeing and realizing that by doing so I’m creating a situation where the physical will do the processing for me by creating situations where I wil have to face myself falling and go through the experience of my lowest point and the consequences that creates as situation in my life where I loose everything and will have to face myself as the reality of me within and as time loops I wil have to walk as the irreversible damage I have done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
When I put that whole point of my work and money in front of me and look at it. I see that we agreed to push things because that’s how you progress. And I pushed for real. My problem in retrospect is, that in general she demanded way more from me than I was comfortable with and she could be very outspoken about it. In those moments I often became stressed because there was fear connected to seeing her behave like that. Like, ‘o shit, there is my old partners again’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner for not taking my reality seriously and within that judge her as arrogant or self centered or ungrateful thinking that because she is not an active part of the commercial environment I am confronted with on a daily bases and within that place her as unable able to stand in my shoes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid confrontations with my partner by keeping my mouth shut or bring as little as possible to the table in relation to my daily struggle related to being self employed out of fear for my partners reactions and or judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my partner has to experience for herself what it means to ‘make her own living’ as a self employed individual while walking process and a demanding relationship because I believe I am not capable of managing my partners expectations in relation to walking a relationship with me and to within that (after a our relationship fell) convince myself that the relationship is now definitively over thus all in relation to my partner is now out of my hands, not seeing realizing that the fact my partner is not standing with me doesn’t mean my standing within and as my definition of being a partner and a BFF as myself has to change as well and within that I forgive myself for deceiving myself by concluding I cannot stand with her as my self agreement like I did in the the past as the responsibility I want to take within and as the relationship seeing realizing that this is not who I am or what to be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone who’s not managing expectations towards me in a sufficient way and that within that my total reality is not seen or taken into consideration and within that I forgive myself for judging my partners demands, expectations and the way she projects them as blunt and not realistic, seeing realizing that it is my responsibility to manage expectations within my relationships from a ‘self-centered’ ‘stand-point- and in a professional way through clear communication related to the relevant points that need clarification from my part
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and convince myself instead of finding out for real if my partner consciously disregarded a large part of my reality or didn’t see and realize to the full extend, what my life practically entails and within I forgive myself for coming to the conclusion that I’m not able to live up to my partners expectations and thus cannot be a preferred partner and that from this perspective it makes no sense for my partner to ask me to be a permanent part in her life, within that seeing and realizing that I’m actually using a self created mechanism to manipulate my relationship and through that sabotage my process of self change by not testing myself for real and instead allow myself to make believes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that an experience of conflict between me and my partner within our relationship actually ads new context to our relationship and within that I failed to see and act to integrate ‘new context’ in our reality effectively and fast enough in real time, seeing realizing that from there a new perspective is revealing itself and thus the old and ‘new-context’ have to be reintegrated and redefined and within seeing that I forgive myself for not taking all of our common past and what we have created as our relationship as the foundation over the years into consideration within moments of friction in this relationship as ‘new context’ and within that take into account the old memories, experiences and unresolved issues between us seeing realizing that these will always influence the present as our action and reactions within every aspect of our relationship and within that I forgive myself for not looking specifically at these fundamental point and instead allowed myself to become distracted within and as the dynamics of daily life as this relationship instead of slowing myself down and allow myself to give myself a clear picture and perspective of what it is I am participating within as the actuality of myself within and as this relationship in order to become and stand as a point of stability and reference within and as this relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get ahead of myself as part of a pattern where I avoid confrontations with myself and my partners within moments of conflict and within that I forgive myself that by doing so I allowed the negative events that played out between me and my partners as moments of friction and misunderstanding to become destructive instead of supportive moments in time that can assist me and thus my partners to look and actually see at the actuality of who we are within this relationship we walk as our misaligned behaviour towards each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus more on my partner than on myself within seeing and realizing that the multiple moments of friction that presented themselves over the past seven years between me and my partner where not isolated events but the tips of icebergs, the dots I can connect and use too visualize the pattern of self sabotage and destruction I use to prevent a partner from ever asking me to be a permanent part in his or her life by sabotaging that moment beforehand out of fear of really committing myself within and as all of me to a standing within and as a relationship as myself as how I want to live a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my partner really sees me and understands the nitty gritty of me seeing realizing that this is impossible if I don’t see the nitty gritty myself first and that by doing so and from this point I created multiple moments and situations of friction and conflict within relationships and within that I see realize and understand that not I nor my partner can make a fundamental decision like becoming a permanent part in someones life if that point of permanency is not made against the backdrop of who I am in relation to the person I walk a relationship with as the total sum of his or her parts taken into consideration and embraced by me as an absolute standing as how I want to live my permanent part one and equal within and as a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to while seeing my partner observing, scrutinizing and walking with me for more than seven years, assume that she was able to see what she was getting into within asking me to become a more permanent part in her life and within that assume that she new better than me as to how this permanent presence should be developed practically in daily life and within that I forgive myself for not doing my part of investigating for real what was coming up within me when that question was asked and within that what it was I had to prepare for practically as the points that came up when my partner asked me to become a permanent part in her life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I can never take an invitation of becoming a permanent point in someones life seriously because I failed to realize and put into action as my behaviour, as my answer, my actions that question for ‘real’ as the reality of us standing as partners embraced, where everything of us is taken into consideration including our collective bags of shit and within that I forgive myself for judging and placing my partner within the construction of being a person who is a hopeless romantic or doesn’t see and take the whole reality of us into consideration, seeing realizing it’s me who is being the hopeless romantic by believing that our relationship within a more permanent context will work itself out automatically without me having to change myself within and as this hopeless romantic for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define our intimacy as sex as not satisfying, seeing realizing that I am the one that has to change that what is not satisfying into a point of mutual support within a relationship by being a constructive and supportive part(ner) within this point and within that I see realize that I didn’t give this point the attention it needed and within that I forgive myself for making it a point of friction and conflict and within that allowing myself to become agitated instead of living and communicating in clarity how I experience and want to express myself as parts of our relationship within and as the point of ‘self-intimacy’ and sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as an enormous asshole and my partner as a hysterical bitch seeing us participating within moments of conflict and friction where we allowed ourselves to fall and behave within and as our lowest points realizing that nothing practically constructive can come from moving away instead of moving towards each other, seeing who we are as the participants as the sum of our parts as what we have walked in the past as partners all ready and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that I can take myself and my partner within and as our relationship as the point of reference seriously within and as what we walked as experiences as solutions in the past an apply them as solutions in moments of friction and conflict we are facing within our reality here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take myself into consideration completely within the point of what I was actually physically able to bring to the table within and as my actions as part of the relationship and within that I forgive myself for pushing myself too hard thus creating real physical trouble that is not supporting me to stand within and as stability as a partner as the relationship with my partner I want to live for real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within possessions that accumulated into my standing imploding and crumbling down at my partners place in the presence of her children and within that I forgive myself for creating a severe situation and a breaking point within our relationship for all involved instead of using this moment as a moment of opportunity to see and open up these points within me thus enabling myself and my partner to walk through them constructively and thus allow our relationship to become the next process, seeing realizing that that moment was actually finally here for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe events that played out had to unfold like this and within that try to convince myself to be at peace with it, seeing realizing that there are still moments when I feel anger and frustration come up related to my own stupidity and lack of humbleness seeing and realizing that self honest writing, reflection and sharing with my partner can reveal what I have to walk here without too much negative outflow within and as my relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to let it all go and make a stand and only focus on myself within this, seeing realizing that what I’m facing is but a reflection of myself within and as my partner as the relationship and thus the relationship is the point of focus and letting go the ultimate betrayal of myself within and as my standing as a partner as a constructive part of a relationship in whatever moment of development as the relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the only way for my partner to be able to see me as the total sum of my parts should be her experience of having to walk this reality without me in it as a self employed individual, dealing with and facing the challenges that I had to face as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my partner as someone that is used to money being always there and within and from that point allowed myself to assume that my partner is not being able to stand in my shoes within the opposite point because she’s not working the same job or going through the same experience and within that I forgive myself for not trying to be more communicative within the point of clarifying who I am and how I want to direct my life as the total sum of my parts that have to be integrated into our relationship after my partner asked me to be a more permanent part in her life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel judged, judge myself and/or make assumptions about my partner’s judgements, opinions and standpoints in relation too me being (un)successful or for not having money without investigating this into the nitty gritty in order to enable myself to get to a firm standing to who I am and want to be for real within this as the reality of me here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take into consideration the totality of me and my partner within and as the relationship we walked up to this point in time, within this seeing and realizing we come from two different realities and life experiences within and as our relationship as the multi dimensionality and effort it took to move past our differences and towards each other not seeing and realizing that within that we are simply meeting with and have to deal with the manifested consequences of that process and within that I forgive myself for not being aware of the fact we where also ending a seven year cycle within that, seeing realizing that these cycles can present a real moment of chance and that these opportunities mostly present themselves as resistance and within that I forgive myself for not seeing this moment of opportunity for the real chance it was to bring myself and the relationship to the next level, within that seeing and realizing the self commitment it takes to give this point the proper place within and as my actions and reactions within relationships, friendships and social life in the cycle to come
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way of solving this dilemma I’m facing where making more hours thus more money thus creating less time with my partner will create friction and within that I forgive myself for allowing myself to enter the polarity within this where I assume that working less hours will result in less money thus less movement and that doing so will also create friction with my partner and within that I forgive myself for not looking at the balance point within this equation from where I can work on a solution instead of sabotaging my process beforehand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the situation of a female colleague who happens to be self employed and sees my situation as impossible in relation to my partner understanding the dynamics of self employment and the workload that comes with it because of not going through these experiences herself and thus this person believes my partner is not capable of accepting me within and as these dynamics and really stand within her decision of wanting me to be a permanent point in her life and within that I forgive myself for changing my stand within and as my self agreement in relation to my partner thinking it would be better for her to give me up and find someone else that fits her relationship demands better and within that seeing and realizing I have no clarity at all regarding what it really is my partners stands as within and as our relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the cause and reasons for interventions that had to take place within our relationship and within that allowed myself to judge myself as always being the the one that triggered my partners personal demons not seeing realizing that we as partners are mirrors for self reflection first and within that I forgive myself for pitying myself seeing myself loosing my way and behave emotionally immature and unable to control my possessions within and as specific dynamics within our relationship and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and become the suppressed emotional state of feeling overlooked within and as a partner in a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in this moment allow myself to become happy and upbeat after a positive feeling connected to an image of a situation where I see me and my partner being able to communicate came up, where I saw everything between me and my partner work out in the future based on experiencing myself here getting to clarity in relation to why my relationships always end up in the same spot and within that see and realize that I’m actually capable of giving myself clarity in relation to why and how I sabotage myself within relationships and within that I forgive myself for thinking this will have a direct effect on who I am within and as my behavior in the future and that it’s going to work out between me and my partner, within that not seeing realizing that within the definition of working out is the word ‘work’ and before anything is done the whole process and all relevant points have to be walked and worked ‘out’ before the potential of a new process will reveal itself as the reality of our relationship and within that I forgive myself to make projections in my mind regarding our future based on nothing more than a happy positive feeling of self enjoyment that came up within me as I was writing and speaking out my self forgiveness here.