Day 48 The Transportation System of Thought: As Within so Without
Today morning, I decided to take a walk — as part of my self-corrective-action of ‘showing’ myself to others and not allowing me to ‘suppress’ and ‘hide’ myself from others, not let others ‘see’ me due to beliefs, self-definitions and self-judgements I have/hold of me that I have forgiven, and now walk the self-forgiveness in and as self-corrective-application.
I had already planned where to go/walk — but ended up going somewhere completely different. I ended up in a bus, taking the bus from last stop to last stop, driving in a loop once and then afterwards went home.
At home, I ate something and decided to go out again because I quite enjoy taking a walk, while practising to only focus on the physical moment, the physical location and everything that I physically see in the physical location that I am in, and focus on merely myself as my physical body, focusing on being present in my physical body, aware of my movement, aware of each step I make and take, as my feet leave the ground and my heel sets on the ground, making a wave-live movement to complete the step, just before preparing to take the next one; my hands sliding on the sides of my body, feeling the contact and friction as my arms move forward and backward; being aware of the breaths I take, enjoying the breeze/the air as I take it in through my nostrils and feeling my lungs filling and expanding due to the increase/intake of oxygen/air; breathing-out and feeling a relief and ease as the oxygen/air leaves my lungs, through my nostrils out into the world — a moment of ‘letting go’, a moment of ‘freedom’, ‘I am Here’.
Though, once again I ended up in a vehicle, this time a tram, again taking it to the last stop, I wanted to make a loop again with it too, as I did with the bus, but there was an accident and I had to take another route with another tram, taking this one to the last stop and back from there to another tram, driving with this one home.
As I was walking the final steps to home, I just realised something —— I mean, I have been quite aware for some time now that I do this often, meaning that I just spontaneously take a transportation system, like bus or tram, from last stop to last stop, making a loop and then go home; I always thought it was because I enjoyed it, while I at the same time was aware that I was doing it also to preoccupy myself, move away from home where I would have to face myself in writing and self-forgiveness — and when I didn’t want to do that — I would ‘decide’ to ‘take a walk’ — convincing myself that I take it because I ‘enjoy’ it; all the while, the real reason was to physically move myself to another place where I cannot write or do self-forgiveness, like for example, walking or taking a vehicle/transport.
But, today I realised that it is a manifested ‘external’ point of what I do ‘internally’, ‘within’ myself, withing my mind, which is: There would be these thoughts, popping up in my head, seemingly ‘random’ thoughts, all over the place — and in just one moment I would ‘catch’ one of those thoughts and start following it — following and following it, till I reach the end of the thought which is at the point where it leads me to one and the same experience or realisation over and over again. Then I would ‘catch’ another thought and follow it too till the end, and loop it through me, where I participate in the same thought over and over again, thinking that I possibly have missed something the last time and hoping to get some new ‘realisations’ or experiences out of it this time, but it will and does always just lead to the exact same ‘point’ of realisation or experience.
And so, I would ‘catch’ different thoughts and follow them till the end and loop through them over and over again, the exact same thoughts, leading to the exact same things/points/realisations/experiences. And once I am fed up with the thoughts, when I have looped through them and did not get anything new out of them, yet again — I would ‘go home’ — which is ‘get back’ into the Physical, breathing and being aware of the Here-Moment and stop following the thoughts, stop ‘taking’ a ride with the thoughts in my mind — or I would only ‘go home’ if I would feel so exhausted and tired because of following these thoughts all day. At home, recovering, for the next ride of thoughts; never ever once stopping and deciding to ‘get out’ of the thoughts, just like I do with the trams or bus or whatever vehicle I take. I drive from last stop to last stop — looping, and if I get fed up or tired because of it, only then would I go home, or I would change the route, take another vehicle that is available there, to loop with it from last stop to last stop — and then when there’s no more vehicles left to loop or because I’m so exhausted where changing the vehicle wouldn’t be an option anymore — I would go home, only then, to recover, till the next time I take the same routes again. Never stopping while in the vehicle, and getting out right in the middle of it and deciding to stop once and for all.
So, I realised that the events of where I take vehicles from last stop to last stop — are reflecting/showing/revealing to me my inner workings, my inner reality, my inner world of mind, where I would for example ‘follow’ my thoughts till the end, participate in the same thoughts and experiences within myself, over and over again – never stopping. Always participating and re-creating the same experiences and points over and over again.
So, my WITHIN has manifested in/as my WITHOUT. My Inner Reality has manifested in/as my Outer Reality, maybe because I didn’t see what I was doing, so it manifested equal and one for me to finally see what I was doing within myself. That I was looping through the same thoughts and experiences over and over again, never stopping and making a decision to ‘Who’ I am, but follow the same experiences and thoughts over and over again, every day, till I am so exhausted for the day, where I finally return ‘home’ into the Physical as Presence as Awareness for a moment, to recover for the next ‘trip’ I take with my Thoughts.
And, I got really tired and exhausted while I was taking the tram and bus, looping from last station to last station — exactly the same that happens within my mind, looping through the same thoughts, experiences and points, never stopping once.
So, Time to Stop ! I stop !
Fascinating, how the Within manifests in the Without in ways I wouldn’t even think of.
The World is truly a Mirror of What goes on Inside ourselves.
We just need to investigate and reflect upon it in Self-Honesty; everything to and of ourselves is right Here before our very eyes, We’ve been here all this time, The solutions have been here all this time, how could we have missed it all this time?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always take vehicles/transports with which I loop from last station to last station, never realising and seeing that it’s a manifested external point, reflecting that I do exactly the same within myself, as within my own mind, where I follow my thoughts and participate in the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, over and over again, never stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my inner reality through thinking and believing that what I do externally is something totally different and has absolutely nothing to do with my inside and my inner world and reality, instead of realising that my inner reality and world will indeed manifest, equal and/as one, as my outer reality and world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, out of curiosity, start ‘catching’ and ‘following’ thoughts, which seemingly randomly pop-up and roam through my mind and follow those thoughts till the end, where the thought leads me to one and the same ‘end point’ of/as the same experiences and/or realisations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts and participate in the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, over and over again, till I have depleted all the physical resources of energy within my body, leading to total exhaustion and tiredness that will only then ‘bring’ me ‘back’ to ‘sanity’ — where I would stop following these thoughts and ‘return’ to the Physical, Breathing Here and being Present.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and participate in the same thoughts, experiences and points within myself, over and over again, due to believing and thinking and fearing that I have possibly missed something vital the last time I followed them and that there exists a hope to find out something new, which might be so vital, that I would never forgive me for not having followed the thoughts as I had the intuition to do so in a moment.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the backchat of/as that there might be possibly something vital in a thought or experience — is and has always lead to the same point of realisation, which I am aware of and have been for quite some time, that: It’s bogus. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in spite of being aware that there is nothing vital in following thoughts and that they always lead to the exact same point of realisation, that I am preoccupying myself through them and miss the physical Here-Moment and Reality totally, where I can actually make a real change of/within myself and the world — because I so fear that I am maybe, just possibly missing something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so fear to miss something, instead of realising that if I miss something I miss something and that all I can do is make sure to be self-honest in a moment of self-application and push through resistances to apply myself and investigate myself, thus ‘give my best’ so to speak, and if I miss something, I know that I have been self-honest to my best in that moment and that the point will reveal itself as I walk the previous application/investigation of that particular point.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that there is nothing vital in a thought, nothing worth following the thought because of and that all it does is preoccupy me — and within that miss the actual physical reality where I have the ability to change myself and this world for real if I apply myself and spend my time and focus on it instead of the mind-energies of/as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue following the thought, till the end — even if I would realise what I am doing and that it leads really nowhere, in the middle of the ‘ride’ through the thought — instead of allowing me to stop and ‘get out’ of the ‘train’ of thought — when and as I realise what I am doing and that it really leads nowhere but just preoccupies me to miss the actual physical reality where I have a real possibility and ability to change myself and the world for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body and myself, through depleting and using all the physical resources of energy of my body, through constantly and continuously participating and following and re-creating the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, only stopping once I have ‘sucked’ the Physical Body and/as myself ‘dry’ — feeling to exhausted and tired to even think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider change and change myself and stop participating in what I participate in and live as — once there is a consequence to that — instead of the point of change being a self-directive self-decision in/through applied self-honest common-sense self-assessment.
I commit myself to realise that my within as my inner reality, my inner world will and does manifest equal and one as my outer reality and world to be experienced and that it is a mirror and opportunity for self-realisation.
I commit myself to stop following and participating in the same thoughts and experiences and points, over and over again. I realise and see that it always leads to the exact same point of realisation, which is that it actually leads nowhere, but consumes a huge amount of physical energy — leaving the physical as myself behind exhausted due to the abuse of the body, where the physical energy is being leeched to power the process of thinking. And I commit myself to realise that if I allow me to follow thoughts in and throughout my mind, instead of remaining Here within and as the Physical Reality as Self-Presence, in which way I have the key as ability and possibility of actual and real self-change — that I am merely preoccupying myself within and through the thoughts and so miss that ability and possibility of changing myself for real, which is but Here in and as the Physical Reality.
And within that: I commit myself to, when and as I see and find myself following thoughts, be it the same or new thoughts, to: Stop immediately, breathe instead and allow me to through the breath, through being aware of the breath, remain Here in and as Physical-Self-Presence and focus on the Physical Here, and take the opportunity that is at hand to change myself for real and not miss it through preoccupying myself within and through following thoughts, that lead nowhere but to exhaustion and tiredness, anyway.
And, so: I commit myself to stop abusing myself and/as my physical body, through leeching on my bodies/physical resources of energy, to power the process of thinking and the process of movement throughout my mind as I chase the thoughts in and through my mind.
I commit myself to stop awaiting consequences, before I consider changing myself.
I commit myself to change within and through a self-directed self-decision made within self-honesty.