Aldin's Writings

Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 02 Jun 2012, 16:06

Day 47 Neglecting myself: Destroying myself — Part 1

I can’t remember the time, when I have actually cared for myself.. Well.. Yes, I can, but that was way way way back in my child-hood. But at some stage, everything has changed and I began neglecting myself in favor of pleasing others.

I’d do things which I really did not want to do, go to places I really didn’t felt like going to, speak words that I really didn’t like to speak and all those things that I did against my own will/want/desires — have throughout the time accumulated into massive regret and sorrow — together with self-judgment and fear increasing/expanding/layering.


I remember the moments; well I at that time used to spend quite a lot of time with my friends just hanging out, going somewhere, sometimes in the park to play soccer or other things we felt like playing or doing in a moment; but the problem came in where they would call me and come to pick me up to go out and hang out with them — in moments were I would have really enjoyed it more to remain home and do stuff I wanted to do in such moments — but I would always go against my own will and desires, and in that neglect my own desires and wants and how I felt like or what I wanted to do, just to please my friends, because I became quite anxious when they would start changing their voice, reflecting a sense of anger and frustration due to me not wanting to hang out with them at a moment, and I’d then literally ‘give in’ and say ‘Fuck you’ to my self, to my own wants and desires, neglect myself totally and go with them against my actual will, against what I actually wanted and desired to do in that moment. But I feared that they would quit the friendship and start talking shit about me and judging me, if I wouldn’t hang-out with them whenever they wanted or felt like.

But, it’s kinda ‘funny’, looking back at it, because there were times, when I wanted to hang-out and would call them and they wouldn’t come because they didn’t feel like it and wanted to just be at home and do ‘their thing’. So, they didn’t neglect themselves, they didn’t neglect and give a fuck to their own desires and wants as what they wanted to do in that moment.

Even in times I felt totally like crap — I would just push and force myself to go with them and hang-out with them, just to not risk the friendship and not risk being judged, not risk making them angry at me.

Oh, holy shit.. I have so abused myself throughout my life.

Doing peoples bidding — in fear of judgment, judging myself through the eyes of others. Weighting and valuing others opinions and judgments about me, as if it’s really ‘Who’ I am.

Doing things and being and living according to how others wanted it — instead of how I wanted to be, what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live.

I was always, kinda, intimidated when others would express a sense of anger and frustration, because I always related it to myself, to what I did, thinking and wondering that I did something wrong that upset them, fearing and hoping and praying that, please, it was not me who upset them.

I’m taking self-responsibility, for I know I am the creator of my own self and I am the one who’s responsible how I have and how I do experience myself, so: Sorting that point out through self-forgiveness and self-corrective-action.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never care for myself, to always neglect myself in favor of pleasing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always do others a favor, always try to please them, in that not realizing that I am neglecting myself, that I am neglecting how I feel and what my wants and desires are, as what I want to do in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, literally, say “Fuck you” to myself and/as my own wants, desires as what I want to do in a moment — and push/go against my own will/desires/wants to please others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself, and try to please others in unimaginable ways, because I fear to upset them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry and be concerned about upsetting people because I fear that they start hating me, and in that go to the extent of totally neglecting myself, neglecting my own desires and wants — just so I do not make others hate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others hating me, because I am dependent on their love and acceptance — so I may feel lovable and good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am nothing without others loving and accepting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own desires and wants and feelings and emotions and experiences of myself, in moments that my friends or other people in my world asked me to do something that I did not really wanted or felt like doing in that moment — just to please them and so make them accept and like me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the suppression of myself, as the suppression of my own wants, desires, feelings, emotions and/as self-experiences in the moments that others asked me to do something that I did not really wanted to do, but did it anyway just to please them and ensure and be certain that I did everything possible to make them like and accept me — has destroyed the relationship I have with myself and turned it into massive conflict , self-judgment and self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own self, my own desires, wants, feelings, emotions and/as self-experiences in-order to please others, because I want to ensure and be certain of, that I did really everything I possibly could to make others like and accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see “doing others a favor” as an obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never speak up for myself in moments I did not want to do things others wanted me to do — like hang-out with them, but instead suppressed myself and my own experiences and desires/wants to please them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my own voice in every moment others asked something of me, like if I wanted to hang-out with them, and even if I didn’t I would say “Yes” and go against my own will/desires/wants in-order to please them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I did manage and push to care for myself as in, follow my own wants and desires as What I wanted to do in a moment, and for example said “No” when my friends asked to hang-out with them — feel guilty and in that re-consider my decision and call them back to say “Yes”/to agree and do what they asked of me — Like an apology for neglecting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as neglecting my friends, if I would say “No” and refuse to do what they ask of me, like if I want to hang-out with them — and in that make the decision/choice to better neglect myself than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a ‘good friend’ for never neglecting my friends desires and wants, and even being willing to neglect my own for theirs — not realizing that in that self-neglect — I have destroyed myself as the relationship I have with myself, existing in constant self-judgment, conflict and self-hatred.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 03 Jun 2012, 17:26

Day 48 The Transportation System of Thought: As Within so Without

Today morning, I decided to take a walk — as part of my self-corrective-action of ‘showing’ myself to others and not allowing me to ‘suppress’ and ‘hide’ myself from others, not let others ‘see’ me due to beliefs, self-definitions and self-judgements I have/hold of me that I have forgiven, and now walk the self-forgiveness in and as self-corrective-application.

I had already planned where to go/walk — but ended up going somewhere completely different. I ended up in a bus, taking the bus from last stop to last stop, driving in a loop once and then afterwards went home.

At home, I ate something and decided to go out again because I quite enjoy taking a walk, while practising to only focus on the physical moment, the physical location and everything that I physically see in the physical location that I am in, and focus on merely myself as my physical body, focusing on being present in my physical body, aware of my movement, aware of each step I make and take, as my feet leave the ground and my heel sets on the ground, making a wave-live movement to complete the step, just before preparing to take the next one; my hands sliding on the sides of my body, feeling the contact and friction as my arms move forward and backward; being aware of the breaths I take, enjoying the breeze/the air as I take it in through my nostrils and feeling my lungs filling and expanding due to the increase/intake of oxygen/air; breathing-out and feeling a relief and ease as the oxygen/air leaves my lungs, through my nostrils out into the world — a moment of ‘letting go’, a moment of ‘freedom’, ‘I am Here’.


Though, once again I ended up in a vehicle, this time a tram, again taking it to the last stop, I wanted to make a loop again with it too, as I did with the bus, but there was an accident and I had to take another route with another tram, taking this one to the last stop and back from there to another tram, driving with this one home.

As I was walking the final steps to home, I just realised something —— I mean, I have been quite aware for some time now that I do this often, meaning that I just spontaneously take a transportation system, like bus or tram, from last stop to last stop, making a loop and then go home; I always thought it was because I enjoyed it, while I at the same time was aware that I was doing it also to preoccupy myself, move away from home where I would have to face myself in writing and self-forgiveness — and when I didn’t want to do that — I would ‘decide’ to ‘take a walk’ — convincing myself that I take it because I ‘enjoy’ it; all the while, the real reason was to physically move myself to another place where I cannot write or do self-forgiveness, like for example, walking or taking a vehicle/transport.

But, today I realised that it is a manifested ‘external’ point of what I do ‘internally’, ‘within’ myself, withing my mind, which is: There would be these thoughts, popping up in my head, seemingly ‘random’ thoughts, all over the place — and in just one moment I would ‘catch’ one of those thoughts and start following it — following and following it, till I reach the end of the thought which is at the point where it leads me to one and the same experience or realisation over and over again. Then I would ‘catch’ another thought and follow it too till the end, and loop it through me, where I participate in the same thought over and over again, thinking that I possibly have missed something the last time and hoping to get some new ‘realisations’ or experiences out of it this time, but it will and does always just lead to the exact same ‘point’ of realisation or experience.

And so, I would ‘catch’ different thoughts and follow them till the end and loop through them over and over again, the exact same thoughts, leading to the exact same things/points/realisations/experiences. And once I am fed up with the thoughts, when I have looped through them and did not get anything new out of them, yet again — I would ‘go home’ — which is ‘get back’ into the Physical, breathing and being aware of the Here-Moment and stop following the thoughts, stop ‘taking’ a ride with the thoughts in my mind — or I would only ‘go home’ if I would feel so exhausted and tired because of following these thoughts all day. At home, recovering, for the next ride of thoughts; never ever once stopping and deciding to ‘get out’ of the thoughts, just like I do with the trams or bus or whatever vehicle I take. I drive from last stop to last stop — looping, and if I get fed up or tired because of it, only then would I go home, or I would change the route, take another vehicle that is available there, to loop with it from last stop to last stop — and then when there’s no more vehicles left to loop or because I’m so exhausted where changing the vehicle wouldn’t be an option anymore — I would go home, only then, to recover, till the next time I take the same routes again. Never stopping while in the vehicle, and getting out right in the middle of it and deciding to stop once and for all.

So, I realised that the events of where I take vehicles from last stop to last stop — are reflecting/showing/revealing to me my inner workings, my inner reality, my inner world of mind, where I would for example ‘follow’ my thoughts till the end, participate in the same thoughts and experiences within myself, over and over again – never stopping. Always participating and re-creating the same experiences and points over and over again.

So, my WITHIN has manifested in/as my WITHOUT. My Inner Reality has manifested in/as my Outer Reality, maybe because I didn’t see what I was doing, so it manifested equal and one for me to finally see what I was doing within myself. That I was looping through the same thoughts and experiences over and over again, never stopping and making a decision to ‘Who’ I am, but follow the same experiences and thoughts over and over again, every day, till I am so exhausted for the day, where I finally return ‘home’ into the Physical as Presence as Awareness for a moment, to recover for the next ‘trip’ I take with my Thoughts.

And, I got really tired and exhausted while I was taking the tram and bus, looping from last station to last station — exactly the same that happens within my mind, looping through the same thoughts, experiences and points, never stopping once.

So, Time to Stop ! I stop !

Fascinating, how the Within manifests in the Without in ways I wouldn’t even think of.

The World is truly a Mirror of What goes on Inside ourselves.

We just need to investigate and reflect upon it in Self-Honesty; everything to and of ourselves is right Here before our very eyes, We’ve been here all this time, The solutions have been here all this time, how could we have missed it all this time?

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always take vehicles/transports with which I loop from last station to last station, never realising and seeing that it’s a manifested external point, reflecting that I do exactly the same within myself, as within my own mind, where I follow my thoughts and participate in the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, over and over again, never stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my inner reality through thinking and believing that what I do externally is something totally different and has absolutely nothing to do with my inside and my inner world and reality, instead of realising that my inner reality and world will indeed manifest, equal and/as one, as my outer reality and world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, out of curiosity, start ‘catching’ and ‘following’ thoughts, which seemingly randomly pop-up and roam through my mind and follow those thoughts till the end, where the thought leads me to one and the same ‘end point’ of/as the same experiences and/or realisations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts and participate in the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, over and over again, till I have depleted all the physical resources of energy within my body, leading to total exhaustion and tiredness that will only then ‘bring’ me ‘back’ to ‘sanity’ — where I would stop following these thoughts and ‘return’ to the Physical, Breathing Here and being Present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and participate in the same thoughts, experiences and points within myself, over and over again, due to believing and thinking and fearing that I have possibly missed something vital the last time I followed them and that there exists a hope to find out something new, which might be so vital, that I would never forgive me for not having followed the thoughts as I had the intuition to do so in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the backchat of/as that there might be possibly something vital in a thought or experience — is and has always lead to the same point of realisation, which I am aware of and have been for quite some time, that: It’s bogus. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in spite of being aware that there is nothing vital in following thoughts and that they always lead to the exact same point of realisation, that I am preoccupying myself through them and miss the physical Here-Moment and Reality totally, where I can actually make a real change of/within myself and the world — because I so fear that I am maybe, just possibly missing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so fear to miss something, instead of realising that if I miss something I miss something and that all I can do is make sure to be self-honest in a moment of self-application and push through resistances to apply myself and investigate myself, thus ‘give my best’ so to speak, and if I miss something, I know that I have been self-honest to my best in that moment and that the point will reveal itself as I walk the previous application/investigation of that particular point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that there is nothing vital in a thought, nothing worth following the thought because of and that all it does is preoccupy me — and within that miss the actual physical reality where I have the ability to change myself and this world for real if I apply myself and spend my time and focus on it instead of the mind-energies of/as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue following the thought, till the end — even if I would realise what I am doing and that it leads really nowhere, in the middle of the ‘ride’ through the thought — instead of allowing me to stop and ‘get out’ of the ‘train’ of thought — when and as I realise what I am doing and that it really leads nowhere but just preoccupies me to miss the actual physical reality where I have a real possibility and ability to change myself and the world for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body and myself, through depleting and using all the physical resources of energy of my body, through constantly and continuously participating and following and re-creating the same thoughts and experiences and points within myself, only stopping once I have ‘sucked’ the Physical Body and/as myself ‘dry’ — feeling to exhausted and tired to even think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider change and change myself and stop participating in what I participate in and live as — once there is a consequence to that — instead of the point of change being a self-directive self-decision in/through applied self-honest common-sense self-assessment.

I commit myself to realise that my within as my inner reality, my inner world will and does manifest equal and one as my outer reality and world to be experienced and that it is a mirror and opportunity for self-realisation.

I commit myself to stop following and participating in the same thoughts and experiences and points, over and over again. I realise and see that it always leads to the exact same point of realisation, which is that it actually leads nowhere, but consumes a huge amount of physical energy — leaving the physical as myself behind exhausted due to the abuse of the body, where the physical energy is being leeched to power the process of thinking. And I commit myself to realise that if I allow me to follow thoughts in and throughout my mind, instead of remaining Here within and as the Physical Reality as Self-Presence, in which way I have the key as ability and possibility of actual and real self-change — that I am merely preoccupying myself within and through the thoughts and so miss that ability and possibility of changing myself for real, which is but Here in and as the Physical Reality.

And within that: I commit myself to, when and as I see and find myself following thoughts, be it the same or new thoughts, to: Stop immediately, breathe instead and allow me to through the breath, through being aware of the breath, remain Here in and as Physical-Self-Presence and focus on the Physical Here, and take the opportunity that is at hand to change myself for real and not miss it through preoccupying myself within and through following thoughts, that lead nowhere but to exhaustion and tiredness, anyway.

And, so: I commit myself to stop abusing myself and/as my physical body, through leeching on my bodies/physical resources of energy, to power the process of thinking and the process of movement throughout my mind as I chase the thoughts in and through my mind.

I commit myself to stop awaiting consequences, before I consider changing myself.

I commit myself to change within and through a self-directed self-decision made within self-honesty.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 08 Jun 2012, 16:56

Day 53 Self-Acceptance: What is Self-Acceptance really when you take away everyone and everything?

What is self-acceptance really when you take away everything and everyone that you have come to ‘accept’ or ‘reject’ yourself because of?

What is self-acceptance when you take away everything that you, up to this moment, have ‘accepted’ or ‘reject’ yourself due to?

Let’s use the tool of Imagination for a moment to look at and investigate the point of self-acceptance:

What is self-acceptance when taking away your skin, imagining you have no skin, there exist no skin at all?

What is self-acceptance when taking away your hair, imagining there exist no hair at all?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your muscles, imagining for a moment there exist no muscles at all?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your entire physical body, imagining there is no physical body at all?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your mind, imagining there is no mind at all?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your knowledge, imagining there is no knowledge at all?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your abilities and skills, imagining there are no abilities and skills?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your humour, imagining there is no such things as humour?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your appearance, imagining there is no such things as appearance?

What is self-acceptance when you take away your friends and partners, imagining there are no friends and partners?

What is self-acceptance when you take away everyone and everything else in this existence, imagining there is noone and nothing else but yourself in existence?

What is self-acceptance when you are left with only the very substance you are made of?

What is self-acceptance when you are left with only yourself alone, as only the mere presence of and as you yourself?

Is it then an unconditional self-acceptance, a REAL self-acceptance stemming from the realisation that I am Here?

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe of self-acceptance as something to be possible only if absolutely everything of what I want and desire comes together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and see self-acceptance only as possible when I have all my desires, wants and wishes granted and in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only accept myself if all my desires, wants and wishes are met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject the acceptance and love of myself to conditions that must be met before such a self-acceptance and self-love is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-acceptance according to my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and see my self-acceptance according to my appearance, so that I will accept myself if I look as I desire and otherwise I will reject myself in self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise and see what self-acceptance really is when I take away and remove everything that I have come to base and define my self-acceptance around.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that once I take everything away that I have subjected the acceptance and love of myself, as a condition that must be met, to — and when I am ‘just’ left with the substance of/as Who I am — that self-acceptance is an unconditional expression of myself within the realisation “I am Here” and “I don’t need anything or anyone to accept and love me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn unconditional self-acceptance into a contract, where I have set up conditions that must be me before I can or before self-acceptance and self-love is apparently possible, like that I need perfectly clear and beautiful skin — instead of unconditionally accepting myself within and as the realisation that I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I need to have clear skin” to exist within and as me and as a requirement and condition that must be met before I ‘can’ accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I must look like..” to exist within and as me and as a requirement and condition that must be met before I ‘can’ accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I must look/be tall” to exist within and as me and as a requirement and condition that must be met before I ‘can’/am willing to accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I must look/be muscular” to exist within and as me and as a requirement and condition that must be met before I ‘can’/am willing to accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about and be upset and frustrated about why the fuck I do not at last accept myself, not realising that I still hang on to conditions that I have set up, based on and existent as desires and wants that I have that I believe I must first fulfil before I can accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am waiting for acceptance of myself to come by itself in one moment — not realising that I can wait till the cows come home — because self-acceptance is an UNCONDITIONAL SELF-Expression — thus: If I don’t do it — no one will — and thus it won’t come by itself.

So, within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop any and all conditions as requirements that I have set up as a need to be fulfilled first before I ‘can’ accept myself and realise that I ‘can’ accept myself Here and that it’s an unconditional self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am so possessed by my own desires that I cannot see any other way to accept myself then only if these desires are met/in place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of my possession by my own desires, wants and ‘needs’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that if I take away and remove all my desires, wants and ‘needs’ that I believe I need to fulfil first in-order to accept myself — that the acceptance of myself is unconditional and natural/self-evident and ‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise the extent to which my own desires are ‘fucking’ (with) me.

Self-Corrective statements:

I commit myself to realise that if I leave out/remove all desires and needs and wants that I have come to believe and accept as a requirement that must be met before I ‘can’ accept myself — that self-acceptance is quite unconditional, self-evident/natural and ‘easy’ and I commit myself to realise that my own desires, wants and ‘needs’ of which I believe I must ‘meet’/have and fulfil are really fucking with me and in that: I commit myself to seek out and investigate and question any desires, wants and ‘needs’ that I have and realise that most, if not all of these desires, wants and ‘needs’ are originating from the mind as a belief I have and are not actual ‘needs’/requirements of the Physical — supporting the existence/living of myself/everyone — and in that I stop the mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’.

I commit myself to stop conditioning self-acceptance and self-love and subjecting ‘it’ to requirements of/as mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ that I believe I must ‘meet’/have before I ‘can’ accept and love myself — and realise that self-acceptance is actually a natural/self-evident and unconditional self-expression once all these perceived and believed and accepted mind-desires, wants and needs are removed.

I commit myself to stop and end the possession by my own mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ of which I so believe and accept that I actually really need and must meet/have, and when and as I see/find myself having such and clinging onto such mind-desires, wants and ’needs of which I so believe and accept that I really must have/meet/fulfil — to stop, breathe and question/investigate them within me and correct myself through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective-application.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to accept myself unconditionally through assisting and supporting myself to stop any and all mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ of which I believe I must have/fulfil/meet before I apparently ‘can’ accept myself — doing this stopping through self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective-application till no mind-desires, wants and needs exist within/as me anymore and my self-acceptance is not based on conditions that must be met first.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 09 Jun 2012, 20:58

Day 54 Stopping Fear and Anxiety of Judgement: Clearing the starting-point — Part 1

Today at work — I’ve had again numerous physical-reactions/manifestations of my fear and anxiety of self-judgement and the judgement of others where I have then applied the self-corrective-actions in/as stopping participation in backchat and not allow me to give-in to the fear/anxiety but stand here as self-expression and/to allow me to express myself unconditionally without fear/anxiety of judgement. Yet, the reason why I feel disappointed and had quite reactions of hopelessness, despair, anger, frustration, wanting to give-up — is that every time that I’d stop the anxiety/fear in one moment where it would come up, where I’d ‘go into’ it/access it, which was shown in the physical-reaction of a flush/redness/hotness and pressure in my face primarily, it would come-back again at another time — where it seems like it has no end to it.

I also see that I was trying hard to not let it get to that point of flush/redness/hotness in the first place, like I was trying to protect myself from such physical-reaction, fearing to be emotionally hurt and thus perceive the need for protection against being emotionally hurt by others.

Thus, I was resisting the anxiety/fear and trying to suppress it when it would come-up within me, instead of directing it within and as myself. Lol — I fear the very fear and anxiety within me.

Also, I need to clarify/purify my own starting-point of walking/stopping this point of anxiety/fear of self-judgement and judgement of others, for what comes through quite prominently within my words and thoughts is that I am walking this point of anxiety/fear of self-judgement and judgement of others to ‘clear up’ my face, which is but just another approach, another sneaky way to ‘get to’ my desires, to fulfil my mind-desires, wants and needs of which I believe I really must have and fulfil to accept/love myself and have a ‘fulfiling’/effective/self-directive life. A Self-Dishonest starting point which is UNACCEPTABLE !

My ‘new’ starting-point, in walking/stopping this point of fear/anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, is:

To stop being controlled and directed by fear and anxiety of judgement, to stop limiting myself, my living and self-expression through such fear and anxiety of judgement and to stop the self-separation from ‘points’ that are represented through/by the fear and anxiety of judgement and thus bring everything of myself back to myself into/as self-equality and oneness.

Thus walking/stopping the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others is NOT about my face and about ‘clearing up’ my face.

Walking/Stopping the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others is about MYSELF/WHO I AM.

To be continued with Self-Forgiveness…



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 10 Jun 2012, 20:09

Day 55 Stopping Fear and Anxiety of Judgement: Clearing the starting-point — Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the starting point of ‘clearing up’ my face and getting/having the face/skin I desire of/for why I walk the point of stopping fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the stopping of fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others about ‘clearing up’ my face and about appearance.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk the point of stopping my fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others as-well as judging myself through the eyes of other from the starting point of ‘clearing up’ my face, in that making it just another ‘sneaky’ way and attempt to ‘get’ and ‘manifest’ my mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ of which I believe that I really need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and in that make the point of stopping fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as judging myself through the eyes of others — about my face — instead of realising that it’s not about my face but about myself/who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk the point of stopping fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as judging myself through the eyes of others — from the starting point of ‘clearing up’ the redness and hotness in my face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and see it as that it’s about the redness and hotness in my face — instead of realising, seeing and understanding that it’s not about that but about myself/who I am — and that it’s about self-honesty in stopping the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as stopping to judge myself through the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the stopping and the decision to stop the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as the stopping of the judgement of myself through the ees of others — is not about appearance and/as ‘how I look’ and is not about ‘looking better’ in/through ‘removing’ the redness and hotness in my face — but is about self-honesty/myself/who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the point of stopping the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as stopping the judgement of self through the eyes of others — into another way/attempt to ‘reach’/’get to‘/’get’/manifest my mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ — through walking the point of stopping that fear and anxiety and self-judgement from the starting-point/reason to ‘look better’ in the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fixated at my face, that I turn everything into a way to manifest/get my mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ of ‘looking better’/’looking how I desire to look’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by my own mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’, thinking and believing that I really must have and/or be that which I desire, want and need through the/my mind — instead of realising that it’s really just PERCEIVED/BELIEVED mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ — thus I do NOT need them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk the point of stopping fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as stopping to judge myself through the eyes of others — from the starting point of assisting and supporting myself to ‘get rid’ of the control that the fear/anxiety/judgement has over me and is limiting myself/my life and self-expression and/as day to day participation in this physical world/reality and in that allow myself to ‘set myself free’ from the control of the mind and allow me to express myself unconditionally within ‘freedom’ — ‘free’ from fear and anxiety.

I commit myself to stop walking the point of stopping fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as stopping the judgement of self through the eyes of others, from the starting-point of desiring/wanting a ‘clear face’/’better look‘. I realise that such a starting point is of self-separation and self-dishonesty because it’s not about my face and not about how I look — but is about being self-honest and about myself/who I am. I realise that the fear and anxiety as well as judgement is representing points of which I have separated myself from — and that these ‘points’ exists as points of control and direction over me and my life and thus it’s my self-responsibility to stop these points of control in-order to stand as and become the self-directive-principle of Life as Oneness and Equality. I see and realise that these fears and anxieties of self-judgement and judgement are limiting and directing me in my life and are making decisions for me and thus, as long as these anxieties and fear and judgements exist within and as me and have direction over me — I will never be certain and trustable to do/live what’s best for All Life always. I realise that I am suppressing myself/my self-expression through such fear and anxieties of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as the judgement of myself through the eyes of others — because I will not allow myself to express myself unconditionally as I ‘please’/’want’/’desire’ in a moment because of such fears/anxieties.

And in that: I commit myself to, when and as I find/see myself to ‘make’ this point of stopping the fear and anxieties — about my face and my appearance or any other point/starting-point separate from me as self-honesty — to stop, breathe and stand stable/here/present within and as my physical body and not participate further in such starting-point — but/and clear the starting-point within me — in the realisation that the walking/stopping of fear/anxiety/self-judgement/judgement is a self-responsibility point and is about myself/who I am.

I commit myself to walk the stopping of the fear and anxiety of self-judgement and judgement of others, as-well as stopping the judgement of myself through the eyes of others — in stopping the control and direction that such fears/anxieties/judgements/self-judgements have over me and so create myself as/become and stand as the self-directive principle of Life as Oneness and Equality, in making sure/certain I do/live what’s Best for All Life always.

I commit myself to realise that the stopping of the fears and anxieties and judgements/self-judgements is about self-movement where I am the motivation to stop it and not a mind-desire, want and ‘need’, like ‘desiring’ a ‘clear face’/’better look/’appearance’.

I realise that the stopping of the fear and anxiety, neither the fear/anxiety itself, is about the redness and/or hotness in my face — because that redness and hotness is but just a physical manifestation/consequence of the fear and anxiety of and as self-judgement/judgement of others — it’s a physical manifestation so I may see to what extent the fear and anxiety of self-judgement/judgement of others as-well as judgement of self through the eyes of others exist within and as me. I realise that it has never been about my face, but about myself/Who I am and/as What I am accepting and allowing to exist within and as me, such as fear and anxiety of self-judgement/judgement of others.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 12 Jun 2012, 16:36

Day 57 Eyes: Looking at people — Searching for Appreciation

Today I noticed my tendency to look all around the place where I am in and look at all people there, like my eyes are never straight on the path I am walking — but always seeking something.

I look at people all over the place, whom ever I see on my way or in my environment because I want to see if they are looking at me. That’s because I always feel ‘looked at’ and within that have a fear/anxiety that people are looking at me because there’s something wrong with me — especially regarding my appearance/physicality.

So, I look to see if people are judging me.


Through the constant looking to see if people are judging me — I am in essence participating in my backchat the entire time. If I stop looking and just focus on myself Here on the path I am walking, my physical body and my breaths — the fear/anxiety/tension and self-judgement disappears as I no longer feed the backchat through ‘looking at’ people to ‘see’ if they judge me = I no longer pay attention/care about judgement/being judged.

Another point is, that as I look at all the people — I am like searching for someone to compete/compare with and end up either with an uplifting energy as a result of regarding/judging/accepting myself as ‘better’ than the one I am comparing/competing with or feeling down as a result of regarding/judging/seeing/accepting myself as ‘less’ than the one I am comparing/competing with.

It’s like a search-engine — searching for people to compare and compete with — and I end up lethargic due to the constant competition/comparison and self-judgement/self-defeat/self-suppression that flows from that competition/comparison.

Like I walk down the street, and my eyes go left, right, left, right, “Oh there’s one” — “Looks good, better than me — shit..” or “I am better then him !” or “He/She is looking/starring at me — something is wrong with me regarding my appearance/physicality — I must correct immediately, quick ! But what is it.. !?!?” and then I try to act normal, lol, whatever that is. What I do there is essentially suppress myself and essentially how I feel in such a moment of suppression is like I am rolling myself into a ball, compressing to become smaller and smaller so that I am invisible to the outside world, so no-one can see me = no one can judge me.

I literally feel like I am rolling into myself, like tighter and tighter, becoming smaller and smaller till I disappear.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to look at all the people in the environment that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that while/as I am looking at the people/others in the environment that I am in — I am competing/comparing with them to see who’s better according to my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that while/as I give into the need to look at people — I am feeding my thoughts and backchat of that people are looking at me because something is wrong with me, regarding my appearance/physicality and in that feeding my own judgement and definition of myself as/based on appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to look straight in-front of me and focus on myself and my physical body, concentrating/focusing on how I am physically moving myself — but feel the need to look all over the place at all the people there — because I feel ‘looked at’ and must check it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must check out if people are really starring at me like I feel, believe and fear that they do – not realizing that in that very moment of ‘checking’ I am feeding and giving in to the very fear/anxiety of judgement of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people all the time because I seek/look for appreciation and acknowledgement from others, so that if I see that people look at me I know that I am visible and there must be something attractive/good within me otherwise they wouldn’t look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to and to look at people all the time, where my eyes just go from being to being, unrested, because I look for acceptance from others through them looking back at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel accepted and lovable/desirable if people look at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unlovable if people do not look at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and feel as though something is wrong with me if people look at me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize/see the polarity here — where I both Fear and Desire to be looked at and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the polarity of Desire and Fear and keep it alive within and as me — through participation in the Desire for Acceptance/Appreciation from others and the Fear of Rejection from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I must look at her/him” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I must look” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel curious about whether or not people are looking at me because I want to see if they accept me or reject me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the tendency to look at people the entire time, moving my eyes from one being to the next, never looking straight in front of me and focusing on what I am physically doing as my very physical movement and breathing — is the manifested Equal and One Point of my Inner-Reality of Searching/Looking for Acceptance/Appreciation from Others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel desirable/good looking to look at people and through that seek their appreciation/acceptance and validation of myself through them recognizing my ‘beauty’/myself through a stare/look back at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my self-worth when I feel desirable but people do not look at me as I perceive/believe and see that if I am really desirable people won’t be able to take their eyes off of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good and strengthen my feeling of/as feeling desirable when I feel desirable and I see that people look at me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that all-in-all, I am still looking for appreciation, acceptance and the opinion/judgement of others about me — instead of accepting myself here unconditionally without any desire to be like anyone or anything else in the perception/acceptance that everything is so much better than myself and that there’s something wrong with me and my physicality, while it’s really not — but I believe that it is just because I/my physicality isn’t aligned with my mind-desires, want and ‘needs’ of how I ‘WANT’ to look and be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be how I believe others want me to be, so they may accept and appreciate/like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for appreciation and acceptance within others instead of accepting myself here unconditionally, realizing that there’s absolutely no-thing ‘wrong’ with me and/or my physicality and that any such self-judgement of ‘not being good enough’ is stemming from the mind based on and as the mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ not being ‘met’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need of protection against others judgements, through suppressing myself, becoming smaller and smaller within myself till I ‘disappear’ because if I am invisible no one can judge me.

I realize that my tendency to look at people, like when my eyes move from one being to the next, constantly and never stopping, where I am preoccupied the entire time with looking at people and miss-out on myself as my physical movement and participation in the actual physical world — is the manifested, equal and one Point of my Inner-Reality of Seeking/Looking for Acceptance/Appreciation from Others instead of Accepting Myself Here Unconditionally.

And within that, I commit myself, to when/as I see/find myself looking at people due to feeling the need to do so, so that I may see if they see/accept me — I stop and physically in awareness bring my pupil back into the center of my eyes and look straight in-front of me — focusing on ‘just’ myself as my physical body and breath, being present of the Physical Moment/Environment/’Is-Ness’.

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself suppressing myself, where I literally feel/see how I am ‘rolling’ myself into a ‘ball’ within myself, compressing, becoming smaller and smaller till I ‘feel’ disappeared/invisible, doing this due to the fear/anxiety of judgement from others — to stop, breathe and instead EXPAND within and as me, stand tall within/as my physical body and deliberately ‘show’ myself/become visible to the world and in that no longer diminish myself through self-suppression/trying to be invisible to the world.

I realize that I do not need protection from the judgement of others and within that I commit myself to, when and as I see/find myself suppressing myself, trying to ‘roll’ myself into myself, compressing myself so I become smaller and smaller till I ‘disappear’/’become invisible’, due to trying to protect myself from the judgement of others through becoming invisible because if I am invisible no one can judge me because there exist nothing/No-Me to judge in the first place — to stop, breathe, and let go of the need for protection and instead of suppressing myself literally EXPAND within and as myself/my physical body and stand tall within and as my physical body, chin up, look straight in front of me and walk/move with confidence and serenity and breathe calmly and steady — through that stating “I am Here” — and thus deliberately SHOW myself/become VISIBLE to the world/others.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 13 Jun 2012, 20:38

Day 58 Shopping for Wardrobe: Fear, Anxiety and Judgement — “I am not good enough”

Today I went to buy some wardrobe but my experience while in the store was quite me being seclusive/shy and constricted as I stood there amongst all the wardrobe. Why? Why shy and so seclusive, so anxious and fearful, I could feel and hear my heart beating out of anxiety/fear? I don’t feel appropriate or ‘made for’ such shops that sell wardrobe because I have come to believe/accept within myself the belief/fear that I just don’t look good in the clothes and the backchat is “What do I do here?”, “This is for good looking people — not for me.” and “I don’t look good in it anyway.” and then I feel overwhelmed by the fear/anxiety generated through the participation in and acceptance of the backchat — that I just want/desire to get out of there, into the ‘safe’, which would be outside the shop or such shops that sell wardrobe and just continue wearing the clothes/wardrobe I have now and not get new ones because I am/feel accustomed with the clothes I have now because I’ve been outside with it and people didn’t react negatively to it — but with new ones I’m not sure, so let’s not risk it.

And, lol, it’s always quite a reactive battle inside myself when someone suggests to me or wants to go buy new wardrobe with me, because all the fears, anxieties and thoughts/backchat would come up, telling me that I have no place in the world of clothes/wardobe/’fashion’ due to my distorted self-judgement and image I have of myself.

Thus, what still comes through is the self-judgement and fear/anxiety of the judgement of others.

So, this is the ‘next’ point of stopping the self-judgement and fear/anxiety of judgement of others. One step at a time, Point by Point till the judgement, fear and anxiety is no more.

So, here I go:

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seclusive, shy and feel constricted while I am in a shop that sells wardrobe, because I feel and think that I am inappropriate and not ‘made for’ the world of wardrobe/clothes/’fashion’ — instead of realising that such a feeling of/as not being ‘made for’ or being inappropriate for such a ‘world’ is my own self-acceptance and allowance of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and feel as inappropriate and not ‘made for’ the world of wardrobe/clothes/’fashion’ because of the self-judgement that I just don’t look good in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be anxious about going to buy new wardrobe because of the self-judgement that I don’t look good in them/that I am not ‘fashionable’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and accept myself as not being ‘fashionable’ and thus being ‘unworthy’ of ‘new’/’modern’ clothes/wardrobe — instead of stopping such self-judgement and realize that it’s just how I have come to accept myself throughout the years within and throughout which I have fed the same fears, anxieties and self-judgement within myself through participation and acceptance/allowance of them instead of stopping them within and as me in self-honesty and common-sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “What do I do here?” to exist within and as me while I am in a shop that sells wardrobe/clothes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and accept myself as unworthy for ‘new’/’modern’ wardrobe and wardrobe/clothes in itself — such acceptance and self-judgement indicated in the backchat of “What do I do here?” that comes up when I am in such a shop, like I am not supposed to be there because I am not good enough for it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, see myself as, and accept myself as not being good enough for ‘clothing’ myself with ‘new’/’modern’ clothes/wardrobe and/or being in a shop that sells wardrobe/clothes — not realizing that it’s all just my own judgement and acceptance of/as myself which I can stop as I have created/accepted/allowed it to exist within and as me in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inferior to others through accepting myself as ‘not good enough’ for ‘clothing’ with ‘new’/’modern’ clothes/wardrobe or even just being in shops, the physical place/location that sell wardrobe/clothes.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the uncomfortableness I experience while buying clothes/wardrobe and/or just being in the shops, the physical place/location that sells wardrobe/clothes — is but my fears/anxieties and self-judgements of ‘not being in my place/world’ and ‘being inappropriate’/’not good enough’ and ‘ugly’ for such places/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, see, judge and accept the ‘world’ of wardrobe/clothes/clothing to not be ‘my’ ‘world’ because I judge myself as ‘too ugly’ for it, instead of realizing that it’s really, really, really, just a self-judgement, a distorted self-image as self-acceptance/self-view of myself shaped throughout years of self-acceptance and allowance to exist within the judgement of myself through the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the energetic experience of/as fear and anxiety — instead of just breathing, facing it — head on — because what I try to do in moments of the experience of such fear/anxiety is try to get rid of it as quick as possible in fear of the very experience/energy itself — instead of facing it, in the realization that I cannot ‘get rid’ of it — but must FACE it = I must MOVE THROUGH it without allowing myself to ‘give in’ to/be directed by it — and that breath is my ‘companion’ within which I MOVE THROUGH the fear and anxiety and judgement and any other energy, in real-time, here in the very physical location/placement and moment of the experience of the fear/anxiety and self-judgement — so I WALK THROUGH it and not try to WALK AWAY from it, that’s suppressing it and it will come-up again.

So, within that: I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, instead of trying to MOVE AWAY/Run Away from the fear/anxiety, realize that the Fear/Anxiety is exactly what I want in that moment if/when it comes-up for it is Here within and as the ‘Facing of’ the Fear/Anxiety, the Experience/Energy of/as Fear/Anxiety — that I STOP the continuation of the existence of myself and direction of myself through/by the very energy of fear/anxiety — through WALKING THROUGH it, in breath, not trying to ‘brush it away’ — but FACE it, Move through it within/as breath TILL it’s gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “This is for good looking people — not for me” to come-up and exist within and as me, while/as I am buying wardrobe/clothes and/or just being in the shop/physical place/location that sells wardrobe/clothes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “I don’t look good in it anyway” to come-up and exist within and as me, while/as I am buying and looking at wardrobe/clothes, and/or just being in the shop/physical place/location that sells wardrobe/clothes.

Self-Commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop defining, seeing and accepting myself as ‘inappropriate’, ‘too ugly’ and/or ‘not good enough’ for ‘clothing’ and wardrobe/clothes as buying clothes/wardrobe and/or just being in the shops/physical places/locations that sell wardrobe/clothes. I realise that it’s my own self-acceptance as how I have accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define and accept myself as and that I have thus created my own experiences that flow from this self-acceptance/self-definition/self-judgement and that I am in this, in-fact, capable to stop such a self-existence and within that:

I commit myself to, when and as I find/see myself to have thoughts, backchat, voices in my head that tell me that I am not good enough, too ugly or inappropriate for ‘clothing’, for buying wardrobe/clothes and wearing ‘new’/’modern’/specific clothes/wardrobe and/or just visiting/being in the shops/physical places/locations that sell wardrobe/clothes — to stop, breathe and not feed my backchat/thoughts through participation but focus on my breath here in/as my physical body, being physically present and in that stop the self-judgement and embrace myself and accept myself as ‘worthy’ for wardrobe clothes and/ or ‘clothing’ and/or visiting/being in the shops that sell wardrobe/clothes and in that allow myself to ‘freely’ ‘shop’ or ‘look’ at the clothes and wardrobe and buy/try the ones I like and want to try or buy.

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself going/being shy, introverted, seclusive and self-suppressive while I am buying and/or looking at wardrobe/clothes and/or just visiting/being in the shops that sell wardrobe/clothes, due to fear/anxiety of judgement of others and judgement of myself through the eyes of others — to stop and breathe, and not allow me to suppress myself but EXPAND within and as me and/as my physical body, let go of the fear and anxiety/move through it in/as breath if it comes-up/exists within and as me Till it’s gone and not allow me to be directed by it, by for example where I stop shopping and go out of the shop due to the fear/anxiety, but instead: WALK THROUGH it when/as it comes up = let it go and not allow it to direct/control me and make the decision of ‘who’ I am and ‘what’ I am to do in such a moment — and in that I let go of the self-judgement that exists in such a moment and accept myself as ‘worthy’ for being there/in such a place and buying clothes/wardrobe — whichever I want and like. I stop the self-suppression where I try to hide from others through looking down and moving cautiously due to fear/anxiety of judgement of others and instead breathe slowly and steady and walk with confidence and serenity, chin up and move and express ‘freely’ without fear/anxiety of judgement.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 14 Jun 2012, 19:10

Day 59 Consequence as Motivation to Change

I have a tendency to wait for consequence to change. I’ll first continue with a certain Living-Application even if I see that it’s not Best for All, that it’s self-dishonest till the consequences Do manifest and then I will be moved by the consequence to consider change and change me, because I don’t like the consequence.

But what do I do here, while I’m waiting for consequence before I consider change? I’m hoping that there is no consequence to what I am doing and so continue and if there is consequence then I’m fucked. I am Gambling — a 50–50 chance and I hope to win my 50–Part which is that there’s no consequence to my action/doing/’Who I am’ and thus I don’t have to go through the maze of self-change.

Thus: I am moved by consequence, I am motivated by consequence.

But, is the consequence really necessary? No! If I would move/direct myself in a self-honest decision in every moment, acting out of self-honest common-sense assessment of a moment/Who I am in a moment then there’s no need for consequence — I am not creating the consequence. And there it is = I am not CREATING the consequence = It’s ME who’s Creating Consequence. I am then literally dooming myself, fucking with myself, abusing myself through consequence. I stop!

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by consequence to consider change and change myself — and wait till consequences have manifested before I would stop living/existing as that which has/is creating the consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest and act out of a self-honest common-sense self-decision in a moment — instead of continuing with a self-application and living/Who I am/What I am accepting and allowing to be/exist as — waiting till consequence has manifested, to only then consider change and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive to change — in the sense of, that I will wait for consequence first before I consider change and change me — thus where consequence becomes my motivation for change — instead of changing myself whenever I see a change to be necessary, where I assess the necessity of change through self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive to change by/through not wanting/refusing to change due to laziness and desires I do not want to give-up/let-go of — where I will then wait for consequence to manifest before I consider change and change me, where consequence becomes my motivation for change — instead of being the motivation for change myself, in changing myself based on a self-decision in self-honesty where I see where change is required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sensitivity to change to exist within and as me, where I refuse/resist to change myself due to laziness and the refusal to give-up/let-go of desires, wants and ‘needs’ — where I will then wait for consequence to manifest before I consider change and change me, where consequence becomes my motivation for change, instead of me in self-honesty and self-movement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop waiting for consequence to manifest first before I consider change and am willing to change myself — and let go of the desires, wants and ‘needs’ of the mind and change myself in/as self-honest self-movement wherever and whenever I, in self-honest common-sense, see that a change is necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gamble with life, by continuing a application I see requires a stop/change within/as me and waiting to see if there’s/there will be any consequence to it while hoping that there’s none = hoping to win the gambling game with life — not realising that if I myself see that my application/existence/acceptance and allowances of/within myself are/is self-dishonest and not what’s best for all — then there’ll certainly be consequence and if I wait for consequence then I am fucked because it’s to late by then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and doom myself through inflicting deliberate harm onto myself and my body, through deliberately waiting for consequence to manifest before I consider and am willing to change myself/within myself that which I see is self-dishonest and not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop taking a chance, because at the end of the day I am the only one who get’s burned by playing with fire — when/as consequence Do manifest and I am then literally fucked because it’s to late by then for I have deliberately missed all opportunities that were Here for changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that when some consequences are created and Here — that it indeed IS to late — like with Death — so rather stop playing with fire and get burned by it and instead become/be self-honest and disciple myself in my process to become really self-moving within/as myself/my process instead of consequences being the initiator of the movement of me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that such self-abuse inflicted by/through waiting for consequence before changing myself/within myself that which I in self-honesty see requires change, is totally unnecessary because I do have the ‘choice’ in every moment to be self-honest and change myself/within myself that which I in such a moment, in self-honesty, see requires change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that much unnecessary abuse, both within myself and others/globally can be prevented if I/Self would change/be willing to change myself/within myself that which I, in self-honesty and common-sense, see requires change — instead of waiting for consequence before considering and being willing to change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that waiting for consequence before I am willing to change that which requires change, both within myself and the world, is self-dishonest and opens a door and keeps such door open for abuse because I will not change, or even consider changing, anything within myself or the world if there’s no consequence for/in my own/individual life.

Self-Commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop waiting for consequence before I consider and am willing to change myself/within myself that which I, in self-honesty, see requires change and I commit myself to thus change myself/within myself that which I see requires change, assessing the necessity for change by/through self-honesty in every moment.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that waiting for consequence before I am considering and willing to change me/within me that which I, in self-honesty, see requires change — is self-dishonesty and opens up a door and keeps it open for abuse and thus I stop.

I commit myself to realise that much unnecessary abuse, both within myself as my own individual life, as-well as the world/global experience of all as equals, can be prevented if I/Self/We would self-willingly change ourselves/within ourselves and the world that which I/Self/We, in self-honesty and common-sense, see requires change and within that I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself refusing/resisting to change and/to consider change, but continue with my self-dishonest applications till consequence manifests, to only then be willing to change — to stop and breathe, and immediately look within myself at the point of change required within/as me and accordingly act through the applications/actions necessary in that moment, like Writing, Self-Forgiveness and/or Self-Corrective-Application and thus I do not allow me to wait for consequence/create consequence.

I commit myself to stop my sensitivity to/towards change and/or considering change, sensitivity as in resisting/refusing to change and/or consider to change me/that which requires change within me but instead wait for consequence to manifest to become my motivation for change, where I only change through being forced to change by/through consequence — and thus I commit myself to change myself and that within myself which I in self-honesty see requires change by myself as a self-honest self-decision within and as self-movement.

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself to wait for consequence instead of changing that which I, in self-honesty, see requires change within/as me — to stop and breathe, ‘calm myself down’ through breath/breathing slowly and steady and not participate in the experience/energy of/as resistance — and in that push myself to change myself/that which requires change within/as me. I myself make the decision to change me in/through me, in self-honesty, seeing what requires change within/as me.

I realise that I am gambling with life/myself by/through continuing an application/existence/acceptance and allowance of/within and as myself, that I, in self-honesty am aware of the need to stop/change — waiting to see if there’s consequence or not while I am hoping to win = hoping that there’s no consequence. I realise that such an application/acceptance/allowance of ‘gambling’ and waiting for consequence to change instead of being the self-directive-principle of change — has a consequence, for I see it in self-honesty. Thus: I commit myself to stop gambling and taking a chance with life/myself and playing with fire, in/through waiting for consequence before changing myself and instead be the self-directive-principle of change.

I realise and understand and see that I am creating unnecessary abuse within myself and inflicting it onto myself and/as my body as-well and thus I stop bullying/picking on/messing around with myself and/as my own physical body by/through waiting for consequence to manifest within/as myself/my physical body to become/be my motivation for change — stopping the bullying/picking on/messing around/abusing of myself/my own physical body through me self-willingly changing myself/that which requires change within me, which I assess through self-honesty and common-sense.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 15 Jun 2012, 20:27

Day 60 Speaking under my breath: Fear, Anxiety and Judgement — continued

I noticed that I tend to speak under my breath when in public or accompanied with other people because I don’t want them to hear me due to fear and anxiety of their possible judgement of me based on what I say.

I fear to say something inappropriate in others eyes and therefor speak under my breath so only the one I am speaking with can hear me and no one else.

Doing this also to prevent being caught in/ending up in a conflict/fight with another or other judging me if they hear what I said, which they saw inappropriate in their own eyes/minds.

So I tend to speak really shy/constricted and obviously feel like shit at the end of the day because I was victim of my own judgement as-well as the fear and anxiety of others judgement and/as the judgement of myself through the eyes of others.

This speaking under my breaths is another dimension of the point of ‘hiding’ myself, where I am suppressing myself around others due to the fear and anxiety of judgements of others and the judgement of myself through the eyes of others and my own eyes — where I literally feel like ‘rolling into’ myself, compressing/becoming smaller and smaller till I ‘disappear’ — where I am not wanting to be seen/visible to others due to this fear and anxiety of the judgement of others and my own judgement through the eyes of others.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to speak under my breath due to fear and anxiety of being judged by others if I were to say something inappropriate or/as something that they don’t like/agree to in their eyes/minds — in this pleasing others and suppressing/neglecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid and anxious of others hearing what I am saying/speaking about because of valuing and fearing their judgement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop valuing and caring about and placing any weight/importance on others judgement or possible judgement of me — not realising that if I am still valuing and looking for others judgement of me — I am still looking for/seeking acceptance/appreciation from others instead of accepting/loving/appreciating and caring for me myself Here — unconditionally — in the realisation that I really need no one else to do so before I can/am able to accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to fear and anxiety of others judgement of me, suppress myself in/as speaking/talking with others, where I talk/speak under my breath — instead of allowing myself to let go of the fear and anxiety of the judgement of others and stop seeking appreciation and acceptance from others, indicated by me valuing and caring about what others say/think of/about me, instead of accepting and caring and appretiating myself here unconditionally, and allow me to express myself unconditionally and speak about what I want to speak with a clear and ‘normal’ voice/tonality like I do when I am alone or with friends that I am comfortable around/with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even THINK about others reactions, words, thoughts and/as judgements of me and how they see me — based on what I am saying/talking about — instead of just unconditionally expressing myself in/as speaking/voicing myself with a clear and ‘normal’ voice/tonality like I would do/do when I am alone or with friends/people I am comfortable around/with without looking for and being curious about others judgements/reactions/believes/perception/opinion about/of me.

Self-Corrective statements:

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself through speaking under my breath, due to fear and anxiety of others judgement of me and stop judging myself through the eyes of others — where I try to prevent people to take note of me/notice me and within that I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself to suppress myself in/as speaking under my breath, due to fear and anxiety of the judgement of others — to stop and breathe, let go of the fear and anxiety and self-judgement and walk through the energies/experiences till they are gone — and while I am walking/facing the energies/experiences of/as fear and anxiety and judgement — not suppress me because of these energies/experiences but literally EXPAND within and as me and/as my physical body and chin up, look straight and deliberately SHOW me/become VISIBLE/become ‘NOTICEABLE’ through/in/as talking/speaking with a clear and ‘normal’ voice/tonality as I would do/do when I am alone or with people I am comfortable with/around and not speak under my breath.

I commit myself to realise that I am expressing myself for myself as myself and not for others and in that I commit myself to express myself unconditionally without fear and anxiety of judgement and let the fear and anxiety go if it comes-up and express me regardless/in the face(ing) of/walking through the energy/experience of/as fear and anxiety and judgement Till it’s gone and not allow me to be intimidated by it/the energy/experience. I walk through the energy/experience in/as breath — Expressing in the face of the energy/fear and not being intimidated, directed/stopped/suppressed from expressing myself through/by the energy/experience.

I commit myself to realise that as long as I look for and ‘care for’ and value and even think about/consider the judgement of others — that it means/implies that I am looking for/seeking acceptance/appreciation from others instead of accepting/appreciating myself unconditionally here and within that I commit myself to when/as I see/find myself to look for and/or even think about/consider the judgement of others about myself, in anyway whatsoever, to stop, breathe and realise/see/understand that I am looking for/seeking acceptance and appreciation from others instead of accepting and appretiating myself here unconditionally and in that I let go of the fear/anxiety of others judgements and stop looking for others judgements/stop thinking about others judgements of me and accept myself Here unconditionally in understanding that I need no-one and nothing separate from me to accept/love and care for me and that everything I like/feel attracted to in another — is in fact Here within/as me and that all I need to do is realise it and gift it to myself in/as living that very point/characteristic/aspect that I so like and feel attracted to in another and so I stop seeking/looking for acceptance of me in and through others and accept myself Here and care for myself Here unconditionally, without the desire, want and ‘need’ for another to do so For me = Accept me For me.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 16 Jun 2012, 20:12

Day 61 The Good Experience (Part 1): A lifelong search for the Positive Experience/Energy. Life regressed to practically nothing.

What is the relationship I have with food?

Why have I returned to eating food that do not support my physical body again?

Well, the previous starting-point of eating food that support my body, as food that is balanced with good/quality sources of macro and micro nutrients was from a self-dishonest starting-point and once I ‘returned’ to self-honesty the whole ‘Healthy Eating’ construct broke down because I was no longer supporting it through the starting-point it was founded upon.

The decision to eat ‘healthy’/food that support my physical body was made from the starting-point of hope and desire to ‘look better’/’look a certain way’ in addition to weight-lifting. The Bodybuilding Ins-and-Outs of Exercise and Nutrition.

Once I stopped the starting-point it all went to shit and I regressed to the more old behaviour/pattern of eating more likely food that do not support my body. And I would justify why I am eating such foods with sentences/backchat like “It’s only one time”, “It’s okay for it’s not everyday”, “Once in a while is okay”, “It won’t cause any harm”, “But it tastes so good” — yet this would actually be every-day that I’ll eat such foods, at least one serving.

I place emphasis and value on the taste instead of the quality and nutritional value of food. I don’t think that my body gives a crap about the taste of food and will gladly prefer food that in my opinion/mind/eyes tasted like crap over food that in my opinion/mind/eyes tastes delicious, if it’s has a higher nutritional value — because it can actually make something valuable from the food that tastes like crap but is nutritionally dense and supportive for the body.

I find that it’s actually a pattern/behaviour/tendency of self-defeat and self-destruction to eat food that is not supportive for the body but food that is merely eaten due to the taste being judged/seen in my mind/eyes as ‘good’/delicious.

I find that when I take away food that I like based on it’s taste that I see/define in/through my mind/eyes as delicious — it’s like I am taking away the sweetness of life.

Have I come to define the sweetness of life based on food that tastes good and gives me a ‘sweet’ taste?

I find that when I no more eat food I like based on the taste that it’s me removing any ‘backdoor’ of ‘easing’ within myself, like when I would crave for/grab food that I like based on the taste it would be done due to not wanting to face emotional problems/energies within me — but would try to calm me down from being upset due to these emotional problems/energies within me — through food. So food becomes the mother that calms the child, telling it that everything is fine and encourages the child to ‘forget’ about the point of being upset within the context of suppressing it instead of facing it to find the root/cause of the emotional/energy reactions and be able to stop it.

So, when I take away the food I prefer and like, as the food that ‘calms’ me down and helps me ‘forget’ my problems/energies/emotions for a while/moment, I feel like there’s no sweetness/goodness left in life for my sweetness in life was the escape of my problems through food, to make me feel good if I’d feel shit.

So, when I remove such food I used to escape from/suppress my problems/energy reactions of/as emotions and feelings and thoughts and backchat — it’s like I have closed and locked all ‘back-doors’ within myself through which I would be able to escape from/suppress my problems/energy reactions of/as emotions, feelings, thoughts and backchat.

There are thus no more justifications and reasons and ways to escape from reality/myself but must face the bitter truth of myself/my reality, lol, so it’s no more sweet, the life I have/live, lol.

Reflecting upon all of what I wrote above, I find that I always look for the good/positive EXPERIENCE in life. And will go any way to get it. Be it through Food, through Beliefs, through beautiful Words, through Thoughts, through Media, through doing things that I, in my eyes/mind, see and define as ‘fun’, as activities/things that will produce such good/positive EXPERIENCE/energy within me or whatever other way that will result in the production of the good/positive EXPERIENCES/energies.

When I look at myself/my life self-honestly, it’s always been the search for good/positive EXPERIENCE/energy.

Am I so frightened of the ‘bad’/’negative’ EXPERIENCE/energy? It’s just ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ in MY exes/mind because it’s UNPLEASANT/UNCOMFORTABLE. And these UNPLEASANT/UNCOMFORTABLE EXPERIENCES/energies are ALL things/points that I don’t want to face and take responsibility for within/as myself, so I label them ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ and encourage myself and others to Fear these EXPERIENCES/energies and only seek the self-created positive/good EXPERIENCES and immediately react in fear and suppression when I feel such EXPERIENCES/energies within me, as if it’s something I am not supposed to go to and must abstain at all cost from it.

If I have a look at the EXPERIENCES/energies that I call and label ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ it’s all things that I don’t want to face and take responsibility for, I don’t want to smirch MY hands in stopping/removing the things I exist as, which are reflected in/by the energies/experiences that I label/claim ‘bad’/’negative’ within me.

Is this all that I have regressed Life to: A lifelong search for and maintenance of the good/positive EXPERIENCE to be EXPERIENCED within me as FEELINGS/ENERGY?

Have I become so limited as a being that I am just able to practically function in this world/reality/within me IF I have the good/positive EXPERIENCE/energy to fuel my motor to be able to run me? And would become nonfunctional, lost and depressed and introverted and sluggish and tired and exhausted IF these good/positive EXPERIENCES/energies were not to be within/as me but I would face the EXPERIENCES/energies and points that I label and call ‘bad’/’negative’?

I’ve become so limited as a being that I am only ‘filled with life’ and ‘enthusiasm’ when I have good/positive EXPERIENCES/energies.

And the ‘bad’/’negative’ EXPERIENCES/energies will thrown me off ‘balance’, in the sense that I will, like, totally ‘crash’ within myself and will have no more motivation and will for anything, where I, in an instant it seems, transform from ‘filled with life’, ‘vitality’ and ‘joy’ and ‘enthusiasm’ — to becoming sluggish, tired, exhausted, powerless, motionless, unmotivated, nonfunctional — become like ‘dead’ in a sense.

A ‘living’ ‘dead’. Like I am just Here withering away, waiting for my death, just barely moving through/surviving the day.

In all of this, have I then every really LIVED in my reality/existence as MYSELF, have I/SELF/ME ever made a decisions as the actual BEING that I am in the Flesh/Body Here on Earth, if all my functioning and actions and decisions were motivated and motored by EXPERIENCES/ENERGIES, where I would become ‘functional’ if I would have good/positive EXPERIENCE/energies and ‘nonfunctional’ if I would have ‘bad’/’negative’ EXPERIENCES/energies?

I have become a sculpture, lifeless, sculpted by the hand of EXPERIENCE/ENERGY.




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