Aldin's Writings

Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 17 Jun 2012, 20:09

Day 62 Self-Criticism: Not seeing reality due to self-criticism

Today, I’ve been quite pissed at myself, having anger reactions and thoughts of giving it all just up, feeling hopeless and helpless on the point of the anxiety/fear of judgement of others and self-judgement that results in a suppression of self that I am walking the self-correction of — because I still find/see myself giving-in to the fear/anxiety and then suppressing myself. Though in all my anger and frustration and all the backchat/thoughts of/as self-criticism that I used against me — I haven’t even seen that I would correct myself immediately once I became aware of what I am doing, so when I would see/become aware that I am suppressing/trying to hide myself from others due to the experience of fear and anxiety of judgement and self-judgement — I would just stop suppressing myself and instead breath and apply the corrective-application that I have scripted previously in/through writing/self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements. So, I have actually walked the self-correction whenever I became aware of going into the old habit of fear/anxiety of judgement and self-judgement that would result in self-suppression/self-hiding — but because I had extensive backchat and thoughts and emotional reactions of/as self-criticism I used AGAINST me, in criticising and judging me for the very EXISTENCE/EMERGENCE of the fear/anxiety in me because since I have applied self-forgiveness on it and have written/scripted corrective-statements I now think and expect no more fear/anxiety and self-suppression to occur at all, not realizing that it does not work that way but that I must walk the correction in actual physical time and space in the context of realizing that: The fear/anxiety and self-suppression will still emerge/occur within me but that I must stop from further PARTICIPATION in it when/as I see/find myself accessing it. So I must be aware of me and when I see that the fear/anxiety and self-judgement and self-suppression would come-up/emerge — then I must stop and apply the self-corrective-application, and walk this way till it’s gone: Till the fear/anxiety and self-judgement and self-suppression is No more in fact.

And I have a very good reference point for my effectiveness and self-honesty in walking the self-correction/self-change regarding this point of anxiety/fear of judgement and self-judgement which results in self-suppression/self-hiding, which are specific points of/on my Facial Skin: And it’s already showing an extensive change/transformation — indicating the effectiveness of my self-corrective-application/self-change regarding this point of fear/anxiety of others judgement, and self-judgement and the resulting self-suppression/self-hiding.

But, all I’ve done today was criticise and judge me for why I still experience/have the fear/anxiety and self-judgement and tend to go into self-suppression/self-hiding, not seeing and realizing that it will be so for some time till I in fact have changed/stopped the fear/anxiety and self-judgement and self-suppression/self-hiding for real. And it’s done in the way of: Not participating in the fear/anxiety, self-judgement and self-suppression/self-hiding WHEN ‘it’ comes-up but apply the self-corrective-application that I have scripted previously.

So, I’ve actually been quite effective in my self-application of walking this point of change today — and the self-criticism and self-judgement was totally unnecessary.

So, from this I see that I have a tendency to criticise and slag/bash myself if things aren’t the way I THINK/BELIEVE they SHOULD be, like with the walking through/self-correction/facing of the fear/anxiety of judgement and the self-judgement and the resulting self-suppression/self-hiding I wrote about before/above.

I see that I do this self-criticism and self-judgement due to the fear that I am doing wrong or that I am fucking up.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and frustration within me because of thinking and believing that I am doing something wrong and/or that I am fucking up — not realizing that I am criticising myself because things don’t unfold/happen as I BELIEVE, THINK and EXPECT them to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that things will not necessarily happen as I think, believe, expect and imagine/envision them to be in my mind.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts on/of giving it all just up because I feel so hopeless and helpless regarding the changing of/stopping of the point I am walking, because it still comes-up/emerges within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so hopeless and helpless regarding the point of change I am walking — because the point still comes-up within me as energy/experiences and I believe/think that it should not be so since I have applied self-forgiveness on it and wrote corrective-statements on it — instead of realising that self-forgiveness and the writing of corrective-statements will not remove the point by itself and/or substitute the necessity to face/walk through the point in actual physical space and time — in/as applying/physically LIVING the written corrective-statements into Practical Action/Living.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that in all my self-criticism due to the fear of doing wrong or fucking up — I have not been able to see that I have in fact practically lived the corrective-statements that I have written in conjunction with self-forgiveness applied on the point I am facing/walking through previously and thus I have in fact done the one and only thing available/possible to change myself within/as the particular point, and that I will not change in ONE DAY and thus it will take/need/require TIME and Self-Corrective-Application lived/applied/done again and again every-time the point comes-up/emerges within me Till I’ve stopped existing within/as it in fact, and that depending on the extent to which I am existing as that point — it will take longer or shorter to stop it and that I have to walk in patience and consistency of my self-corective-application/living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to bash/slag and/as criticise myself if I am not PERFECT in my self-corrective-application yet, because I think and believe that it all must happen in ONE DAY — instead of realizing that it’s a PROCESS — Self-Change/Stopping of a point within/as me is a PROCESS in Actual Physical Time and Space that works in the way of: Applying the self-corrective-statement/self-corrective-application whenever the point that I want to change/that I am walking the change/stopping of emerges/occurs within me again — till the point no more emerges/occurs within me, ‘symbolising’ the effective stop/change of that point within/as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in fear and anxiety to do something wrong or fuck things up, criticise myself if/when I am not doing something PERFECTLY as I intended to do in my mind/imagination/future-projection based on the belief and idea and expectation in my mind of How it all should be and unfold — instead of realizing that I cannot impose my mind-reality of/as expectations, ideas and believes about/of ‘how things should be’ onto actual physical reality of as ‘how things in fact work’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that self-criticism/my tendency to criticise myself is veiling the actuality/reality of things/the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk a point in my mind in/as a future-projection and daydreaming where I walk the point in my mind as I expect/want and desire it to be when/as I walk it in actual physical reality, space and time and then get frustrated and pissed at myself, criticising myself because I wouldn’t be able to live my imagination/expectation/future-projection of mind in the actual physical reality, space and time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I cannot walk a point — or a point of change within my mind in/as future-projections/imaginations/’planning’/daydreaming/expectations, because the mind reality does not take into account the physical reality of/as space and time and the requirement of actual PHYSICAL Self-Labor of/as Self-Producing the required Change within/as Self through constant/consistent application of self-corrective-application throughout/in space and TIME — and that the point/change must/can only be walked in actual Physical Reality of/as Space and Time and Physical Self-Labor.

Self-Corrective statements:

I commit myself to stop criticising myself and judging myself if things do not work out as I wanted and expected them to work out, based on having walked the point/change within my mind in/as imagination/future-projection/daydreaming/expectation/desire and then tried to make that mind-reality physical/imposing it on the physical — and I commit myself to realise that I cannot walk a point/change in the mind first, but that it must completely be walked in the physical in time and space with the necessity of actual physical self-Labor required in self-producing the ‘desired’ self-change/change. And within that, I commit myself to when an das I see/find myself to criticise and judge me because things aren’t working out as I wanted/expected them to, to stop and breathe/take a deep breath, let go of the self-criticism and self-judgement and realise/understand the necessity of walking within/as patience and thus embrace myself within/as patience in/as walking in/as patience — and if necessary going back to self-forgiveness, writing and new corrective-statements till I have/find the ‘right’ corrective-application that will ‘produce’ the ‘desired’/required/necessary self-change.

I commit myself to stop criticising myself based on what I do/my corrective-application/walking/facing of a point — due to fear and anxiety that I am doing wrong or that I am fucking up and I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself criticising/judging myself/my corrective-application due to fear that I am maybe possibly doing wrong or that I am maybe possibly fucking-up/have fucked-up — to stop and breathe, take a deep breath and remain here in/as self-presence in/of the physical Here-Environment/Location I am in and let go of the self-criticism and self-judgement to be able to see with clarity the quality of my corrective-application and from here on assess whether I am doing well or not and accordingly act form here — instead of judging/criticising me before hand due to fear and anxiety and belief that I am doing wrong or fucking up.

I see and realise that self-criticism and self-judgement is distorting the reality of things, like I have seen where I actually have been quite effective/well in walking the self-correction of the fear/anxiety and self-judgement and self-suppression Point — but have criticised myself and judged me because the fear/anxiety, self-judgement and self-suppression still occurring/emerging within me because of beliefs that it should not and then the fear that I am therefor doing wrong or fucking up. So I stop the self-criticism and self-judgement and allow me to see the REALITY/ACTUALITY of things to so be able to make a REAL self-honest assessment of the moment and act from there on instead of acting from a fear/anxiety.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 18 Jun 2012, 18:49

Day 63 Self-Judgement: All Bodies in Existence are Equal as One. It’s MY judgement who makes a body ‘more’ or ‘less’ then what it really is. (Part 1)

I have a tendency to check myself in the mirror in the gym and when I like what I see I have this desire/want to keep looking because I feel good/it produces a happiness within me.

The constant looking into the mirror, checking myself for how I look so I can judge me according to what I see based on whether I like it or not — is preoccupying me and in this shifting me away from the physical-here moment and I am not aware of my physical movements and my physical body because I am preoccupied in my mind in/as backchat and argumentation with myself about how I look.

I also check to see if I am becoming more muscular because I drive worth/energy out of it, so that I feel good if I am becoming more muscular/am muscular and feel depressed and judge me if I am not/notice no change.

So my starting-point of visiting the gym/exercising needs to be corrected as-well.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the tendency of looking into the mirror to check me/my appearance from a judgement point, because I seek to create the energy/experience of happiness within me if I like what I see in the mirror.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am addicted to the desire/want/tendency to look/check myself in the mirror constantly because I exist within and as insecurity within the context of: Judging me based on my appearance and within that drawing/defining self-worth based on how I look and so feel the ‘need’ to check me in the mirror constantly to make sure everything is ‘fine’ — instead of realising that I am not my appearance and that ‘appearance’ does not determine the worth of me/a being, but that I am the one who sees me as either worthy or unworthy based on my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as constant insecurity within myself, because I exist in constant fear, anxiety and worry about how I look and whether I am acceptable/presentable to the world/to others and whether they will thus accept me or reject me — within this implying that and accepting/allowing myself to still look for acceptance and appreciation outside myself in others instead of accepting myself here as my physical body, as physicality — in and as Oneness and Equality of/as the Physical and not judge me or see me based on/through my own judgement of ‘appearance’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical body and the physical/physicality itself, based on ‘appearance’/manifestation/form and colour, instead of realising that when I remove all the judgement what remains is but the Equality and Oneness of the very substance/fabric/essence that all bodies within existence consist of/exist as — and that thus no body is more or less then another body and that I am the only one who, through my mind, compare, compete and judge my body and all bodies in existence, making some bodies more then others and thinking that it’s actually so because I am consumed/lost in my own mind-desires, wants, ‘needs’ and judgements of myself.

I, within that, forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my body with other bodies, in the attempt and desire, want and ‘need’ that my body is better then theirs, because then I will be able to produce positive feelings within myself that feel good and to which I am addicted to and I can also feel worthy of myself and accept myself because I am better then another — instead of stopping the comparison, competition and judgement of bodies/beings within myself and accept myself as self-worth without subjecting the self-worth and self-acceptance on external/separate points/aspects/dimensions like ‘appearance’ — and realise that all bodies in existence are in essence/substance equal and one and that it’s myself, through my own mind, who is through judgement creating the IDEA and BELIEF and IMPRESSION that some bodies are better then others based on personal mind-desires, wants and ‘needs’ of how I prefer/want/desire to look/what I desire/want my body to be formed like/look like, based on what I desire/want/hope/expect to ‘get out from’ having that specific body/form/appearance/look.

So, within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate within myself and have a look at what it is within myself that I desire/want/hope/expect to ‘get’ through having the specific body/look/appearance that I so desire and want and ‘fight for’ and judge me and/as my body extensively if it doesn’t look like I want it to look.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I desire/want and yearn for acceptance, and because I am not accepting myself and have subjected my self-acceptance to the requirement and condition of requiring others to accept me first and/or the requirement/need to look/be a certain way, based on my own personal mind-desires, wants and ’needs, before I can do so, I have, in my endless yearning/search for acceptance decided/submitted to any and all means that I, in my mind have made-sense of, of how I can/will ‘get’ my desired/wanted acceptance from others so that I can FEEL accepted — like with the desire/want to have a specific body/look/appearance that I think/hope/desire/want/expect to ‘get’ attention/acceptance through — instead of allowing myself to let go of the endless seeking and looking for acceptance from others that will only give me a FEELING/EXPERIENCE of acceptance/self-acceptance and is thus NO real self-acceptance — and instead realise that I need no-one and nothing outside myself to accept, love and care for me and that I just need to forgive and stop the self-judgement that stand in the way of accepting me unconditionally, and accept myself unconditionally Here, no conditions as requirements needed to be met first before I accept me and in this actually ACCEPT myself for REAL instead of just seeking a FEELING/EXPERIENCE/ENERGY of ‘Self-Acceptance’ in/through/as the form of ‘getting acceptance’ from others.

So, in that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP judging and comparing the body/my body that I see in a mirror to other bodies in the realisation and understanding that all bodies are equal and one in/as substance/essence/’fabric’ and that it’s my own judgement within/through/as the/my mind that is making my body or any other body either ‘more’ or ‘less’ then what it actually/really/physically is, which is Equality and Oneness/Equal and One with/as All bodies in existence.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 19 Jun 2012, 18:58

Day 64 Depressed because things just don’t work out: The need to control it all (Part 1)

Today was shit, regarding the walking of stopping the fear and anxiety of others judgements and the self-judgement and resulting self-suppression/self-hiding.

I feel like nothing wants to work. Some days are cool and the correction ‘flows’, but on other days it’s so hard/difficult and it’s like a wave of energy all of a sudden coming over me, the judgement in my mind, the voices in my mind repeating the same judgement/things/conversations, seemingly endless and I feel like I don’t know what to do, don’t know how to stop the judgement in my mind, because it’s always there and when it’s there I don’t know how to stop it because even though I carry on the self-correction — the judgement of/as voices in my mind still remain and keep talking, the backchat and thoughts are still in the mind. Even if I apply the self-correction, like when I would note/notice/see that I, in a moment, would go into self-suppression/self-hiding due to self-judgement and fear/anxiety of being judged by others in this way I judge me, the self-judgement would consist of/exist as backchat and thoughts within my mind and I would stop participation in self-suppression/self-hiding through applying the self-corrective-action of/as: Instead of hiding/suppressing me — I would ‘expand’ within me and ‘show’ me/become ‘visible’ and allow me to express me as I like/want in that moment — but even though I do that and not hide me/suppress me anymore — the judgement of/as voices in my mind, backchat and thoughts would still be there in my mind carrying on. And that’s where the feeling of ‘wanting to give up’ literally comes from, and it then ‘evolves’ into more self-judgement because of having the judgement of me in the first place.

In such moments I feel like I am going crazy/insane.

I notice that I have this desire to want to control it, to want to control things. Control the anxiety/fear and self-judgement, control my mind, control my reactions, control my thoughts, control my backchat, control my feelings, control my emotions, control the moment, control events, control life. Like, I have a script written in my mind about how things should be, or rather, how I want the things to be, how I want the day to unfold, how I want myself to be in a specific moment/time, what experiences I should have, what experience not to have, what should happen, what should not happen. And when it would not happen as I ‘scripted’ it in my mind, I would become irritated, angry and frustrated. I have my day already planned within my mind and all that should happen and how it should happen and who I should be and what I should experience. All already planned before-hand in my mind and I try to live-out this mind-plan as if it’s possible while reality/the physical proves me every-time wrong, shows me that I cannot live pre-planned, that I do not have control over everything. But I don’t want to accept it because I fear to admit it and let go of the desire and want for absolute control of all and everything, like I want to control it all so that I can prevent bad/uncomfortable things/experiences happening to me.

But what I can see, is that, even though the judgement exist within my mind in form of backchat, thoughts and/as voices in my mind/head, I can still apply my self-corrective-application and live the self-correction and not be ‘stopped’ by/through the very existence/emergence of the judgement and/of/as conversations that are going on within my mind. Maybe it just takes some more time, till it ‘disappears’ — though I can still apply my self-corrective-application and stop hiding/suppressing me and instead expand and embrace and allow me to express me fully and unconditionally as I want. So, I don’t have to remain stagnant/trapped in the judgement that exist within my mind in the form of thoughts and backchat and/as voices in my head/mind, where I would allow me to hide/suppress me de to these judgements within me — but that I can indeed stop the self-suppression/self-hiding and instead express me and ‘show’ me WITHIN the face of the judgement/while/even though the judgement is there and the voices keep talking.

I notice, that I tend to, in such moments where the judgement emerges, race within myself in fear/anxiety towards the judgement because I fear that it will manifest/be visible in my face. So my breathing would become faster and my heart would race and I would feel irritated and feel like going crazy, don’t knowing what I should do, like a panic-attack/anxiety-attack. Instead of breathing and remaining calm and being aware and present of my breath and physicality and just live/express in/as the moment.

So, I need to calm me down and stop racing within myself when the self-judgement would emerge/come-up within my mind within/through/in form of backchat, thoughts or whatever other way.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 26 Jun 2012, 21:11

Day 71 Fear of negative EXPERIENCE/ENERGY (Part 1): Scared of Emotions. Stuck in Negativity.

I’ve noted that I have a fear of negative experiences/energies such as all types of emotions and that I would go into anxiety and like a ‘shock’, feeling overwhelmed when I would have any emotion = negative energy/experience within me and would feel like ‘stuck’ and ‘motionless’ and have backchat of “Oh no..”, “How am I ever going to get out of this”, “It is impossible”, “I am lost”.

I judge emotions (the negative energy/experience) because they ‘feel’ uncomfortable and I perceive/feel them as so ‘huge’ that I can never ‘overcome’ them.

Like when I would feel guilt or self-judgement or fear/anxiety — within the very occurrence/emergence of the ‘movement’ of the ‘substance’ of that energy of/as emotion — I would immediately react in further emotions like anxiety/fear and I would go all tense, trying to ‘shake it off’ because I don’t like to experience it because I always feel so hopeless and helpless when such ‘negative’ energies/experiences of/as emotions are present and ‘moving’ within me/my body.

What this then often leads to is that I will all of a sudden stop ‘functioning’ in terms of my ‘normal everyday movement/application’ and would instead sit there and wallow about the experience I have, accepting myself as ‘motionless’/’immovable’ because of the ‘presence’ of such ‘negative’ energies/experiences of/as emotions within me and/as my body.

So, I would within accepting and allowing myself to be ‘stuck’ and ‘motionless’/’immovable’ remain ‘idle’ and within that ‘idleness’ I will just go deeper and deeper into those ‘negative’ energies/experiences of/as emotions and create even more of them.

So, I am accepting and allowing myself to buy into the illusion of ‘negative’ energy/experience of/as emotions, in terms of: That I buy into the belief/illusion that I am unable to self-move myself and continue LIVING and/as ‘continuing’ with my active participation in process in/as ‘continuing’ self-directing myself to ‘continue’ applying self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective-application IF the ‘negative’ energy/experience of/as emotions is ‘present’ within me.

I feel overwhelmed by ‘negativity’ — in form of ‘negative’ energy/experience of/as emotions.

So, when I’d have/experience any ‘negative’ energy/experience of/as emotions — I would literally become ‘stuck’, like ‘pinned to the ground’ and will not move or ‘be able to move’ till the ‘negative’ energy ‘subsides’ by itself. But it cannot subside by itself, if it does then it’s a suppression, the energy moving from my conscious mind into the subconscious/unconscious mind, where I am no more AWARE of that energy/experience, yet it’s not GONE or ‘subsided’ — it just has MOVED AWAY from my ATTENTION. And then I become ‘functional’ again. Lol.

So, it’s like I fear to have/experience ‘negative’ energy/experience, like emotions because I fear to become ‘stuck’.

Though, I see that I ‘generally’ fear the experience of/as the very ‘substance’/’nature‘/’essence’ that the ‘negative’ energy/experience like emotions is ‘made of’/consist of‘. Fearing the experience of the very ‘movement’ of the ‘substance’ of ‘negative’ energy/experience like emotions. Fearing the very ‘substance’/’nature’/’essence’ that comprises the ‘negative’ energy/experience like emotions. Fearing how the very ‘substance’ of/as ‘negative’ energy/experience like emotions ‘feels’ like.

Yet, the ‘negative’ energy/experience like emotions, is equal-to and one-with and the same as the ‘positive’ energy/experience like feelings, the only difference is the ‘feeling’ of/how the very ‘substance’ of/as the ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ energy/experience ‘feels like’ — Though the ENERGY remains ENERGY, it just has a different ‘feel’/’texture‘/’touch’ to it.

Lol, so fucked up to FEAR ‘negative’ ENERGY/EXPERIENCE and allow myself to be ‘stuck’ and ‘immovable’ in the ‘presence’ of the ‘negative’ ENERGY/EXPERIENCE yet become ‘movable’ and ‘vital’ in the presence of ‘positive’ ENERGY/EXPERIENCE like feelings, Da Fuck !?

So, I have to ‘clear’ my relationship I have formed with and towards/to Energy and the very ‘Substance’/’Nature‘/’Essence’/’Touch‘/’Feel’ of Both the Forms that Energy ‘comes in’: ‘Negative’ and ‘Positive’. To stop the fear I have towards ‘negativity’/’negative’ energy/experience where I allow/accept myself to be ‘stuck’ and ‘immovable’ and ‘nonfunctional’ in the ‘presence’/’feeling‘/’sensation’ of the ‘negative’ energy and stop the dependency/need of/for ’positive energy/experience to become ‘vital’, ‘movable’ and ‘functional’ — to so stop the dependency/need for energy to move me and direct me and live for me and/but instead realize/create/become the self-directive principle where I move/direct and apply myself REGARDLESS of ANY ENERGY/EXPERIENCE I have.

Lol: I am so SCARED of ENERGY — I must laugh at my stupidity.

So, this is the Introduction sort of; The Self-Writing about my Relationship to/towards/of/with ENERGY — placing one of the Relationship-‘Designs’ I have to/towards ENERGY into Words to See directly and so to ‘pave’ the road for more effective self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to so be able to ‘continue’ ‘functioning’ and moving/applying myself WITHIN the very ‘face’/experience/’feeling‘/’perception’/’sensation‘/’presence’ of the ‘negative’ Energy/Experience like Emotions and no longer be ‘stuck’ and ‘immovable’ and overwhelmed and oppressed/suppressed when such experience/energy emerge and ‘move’ within me.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 10 Jul 2012, 22:12

Day 85 (1) “I don’t want to look at it”-Character and “I cannot change”-Character (Part 1): Do I know ME or Don’t I know ME? Submission to my ‘Design’/’Program‘/’Mind’/’Nature’.

“I don’t want to look at it”-Character and “I cannot change”-Character

Ok, there’s this character I become when I feel depressed because of reliving/finding myself subject to the same ‘old’ points/patterns again, no matter what amount of forgiveness I did before on it. And in that depression I would convince myself that I really don’t know what the point is, and/or why I am always doing it, always repeating the same shit over and over again and am unable to stop. I would thus, justify the points existence within/as me and my participation/living and acceptance and allowance of that point to exist within and as me through saying/stating that I don’t know what it is and/or why I am always participating in it.

Yet, it’s not that I do not know what that point is or why I am participating in it — it’s that I do not WANT to look at it and investigate it further because I am allowing myself to feel depressed and be dragged down by my backchat/depression of/as that I will never get it. Thus — I finally and completely submit totally to the point within making the statement that I am powerless and inferior in relation/towards it and that it has absolute and eternal control and directive-principle of me.

So, in the accepted and allowed depression I become lethargic and postpone as I am dragging my ass across the floor of depression/helplessness/hopelessness/powerlessness/inferiority within the self-acceptance that there’s nothing I can do to stop the point(s) that exist within and as me.

Yet, I am indeed able to stop and see and I do know ME exactly/what goes on inside/within me and/as my own mind and why I am participating and accepting/allowing specific points to exist within and as me — because all the information of myself, my living, why I do specific things, why I don’t do other things, why I am accepting and allowing specific points to exist within and as me and direct me — is right HERE within and as me. All that is required to see it/me/who I am and Why I am — is self-honesty. The problem comes in when I have to ‘find’ the information — To ‘look’ at/within myself to pinpoint the exact information that related to my acceptance/allowance and participation of a singular specific point/existence within and as me — because I it sometimes takes a long time to ‘find’/pin-point the exact information/points before I can stop/change and direct myself within/as that point effectively. I want an ‘easy’ approach/way/method — and my definition of ‘easy’ within this context is that it involves no self-labor — meaning that I myself do not have to look at the point myself and investigate it by/as myself — where I am MOVING MYSELF to LOOK MYSELF within/as MYSELF to MYSELF ‘find’ the information/points — but want/expect/anticipate the realization/information/points to be revealed by itself — like that they ‘come to me’ ‘by themselves’ and I just have to ‘accept’/’take’ them and then it’s done and I am changed, lol. Doesn’t work like that. ‘Easy’ also within the context of: When I look at it — that I know and see the information/points and have the realizations IMMEDIATELY in ONE MOMENT by/through ONE blink of the eye — Instantly, lol. Otherwise if I do not KNOW and/or SEE and/or ‘find’ the information/points and have the realizations immediately, instantly as/while I just look at it — I will feel depressed and conclude/convince myself through backchat that I do not know what I a doing and/or why I am doing and/or accepting and allowing a point to exist within and as me and that I never will and thus I suppress the point in my self-accepted and allowed depression/hopelessness/helplessness/powerlessness.

So, this character is the “I don’t want to look at it”-Character: Where I will not want to look at/within myself to see/find why I am accepting and allowing certain points to exist within and as me and why I always do the same things over and over again, being apparently unable to stop/change — because I will feel depressed/hopeless/helpless/inferior/powerless in regard to the points that exist within and as me, depressed/hopeless/helpless/inferior/powerless towards myself/my ‘Inside’/my “Who I am”/my “Creation” as “Myself”. What I find is that this hopelessness/helplessness/inferiority/depression/powerlessness comes-in/emerges when I find myself reliving/doing the same ‘old’ patterns/points as always; finding/realizing that I in fact haven’t change a bit — but that everything is still exactly the same as always — no difference, the same old ‘Me’/’Self‘/’I’. Then I have backchat that I will never get it, never find the point, never be able to change, never be able to stop and that I just have to accept it and accept myself as I am exist in right now within the submission to my ‘design’/’existence‘/’Who I am’ as the ‘program’ I exist within/as my as my own mind — within the self-acceptance that I can not change because it’s ‘Who I really am’; the very ‘substance’ of/as ‘myself’ — the ‘Law’ of myself — that which I simply ‘am’ and cannot ‘sidestep’/’change’ because that’s just ‘Me’; the ‘essence’ of/as ‘Me’, the very ‘fabric’ of/as ‘Me’, and I am nothing else but ‘that’ and therefor I cannot change/stop ‘that’ which is ‘really’ ‘Me’. And then I have also thoughts as memories of past-moments/experiences where I have felt depressed and haven’t been able to change myself and/or stop a certain/specific/particular ‘point’ within/as me and have also found myself back then to be still the same, old ‘Self’ where nothing has in fact changed — and now this past-memory of/as where I realized/found that I haven’t really changed at all, despite all the writings, self-forgiveness’es and intentions/commitments to change myself and/or myself as a specific/particular ‘point’ — adds to the realization/fact that I have in a current Here-Moment found/realized that I STILL haven’t changed — but that I am STILL exactly the same old ‘Self’ as always — and these ‘points’ of/as realizations throughout time where I have realized/found that I haven’t in fact still changed, but am still the old same ‘Self’ and do the old same things over and over again — add-up/accumulate and the depression and self-accepted and allowed powerlessness/inferiority/hopelessness/helplessness intensifies and my ‘submission’ to my own ‘design’ and ‘program’ and/as my mind and ‘nature’ and acceptances and allowances — ‘strengthens’ and I thus do not move myself to investigate myself as mind further to so find the solution to change me — because of this self-accepted and allowed ‘submission’ to my own ‘design’/’program‘/’mind’/’nature‘/’acceptances’/’allowances’ — and so the “I cannot change”-Character has been born.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 18 Jul 2012, 16:16

Day 92 Prolonging my own Process through Prolonging the existence of things I fear losing within me: Fear of Loss continued.

Okay, I put all the cards on the table:

Since Sundays Chat we had on the Leadership-Forum with Sunette about identifying characters and how to change them, where we as the group took on the “Postponement”-Character and came to the conclusion that there is in-fact NO valid excuse/reason/justification to not move ourselves immediately and get a task done — I have had since been fighting with myself in my mind in trying to justify my postponement because I do not want to change.

A week or two ago I have created a schedule for myself to be more effective, which is that I will daily for 1 hour do my responsibility tasks, and then for 1 hour chill/relax and do whatever I’d like t do, like listen to music, or watch a series etc. and then again for 1 hour do my responsibility tasks and then again for an hour do what I want to do and so repeat the “one hour responsibility-tasks — one hour rest”-process throughout the day and then start the whole thing again the next day.

So, what I realized within and during the chat on Sunday is that I am justifying my schedule/walking of my process with the point of ‘needing rest’ after a certain period of doing my responsibility tasks.

So, what I was not willing to look at and admit is that I am trying to find a valid justification/reason for maintaining/keeping at/perpetuating my schedule/way I am walking my day because I resist/do not want/fear to give-up ’leisure-time’ — ‘leisure-time’ in the sense of: Time where I can listen to music, watch movies, series, or do anything else that I’d like to do instead of my responsibility-tasks, like self-forgiveness, writing, reading blogs, listening to eqafe interviews, rating, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to justify my postponement of my self-responsibility tasks like self-forgiveness, writing, reading blogs, listening to eqafe interviews etc. because I resist/refuse/do not want/fear to give-up the things I enjoy doing instead of the things I don’t enjoy doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain my postponement because I try to maintain/keep up the ability to participate in things I enjoy and like doing and minimize the time I spend on things I don’t enjoy/like doing, like self-forgiveness, writing, reading others blogs etc. but instead prefer listening to music, relaxing/chilling’ doing nothing, watching movies/series etc. because in those activities I don’t have to face myself and do self-labor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really don’t want to give-up listening to music, watching movies/series and/or doing anything else instead of my self-responsibility tasks — that I resist/refuse to continue applying this self-forgiveness here because I just can’t see/imagine myself doing my self-responsibility tasks all-day long without any rest or time to chill/relax and do nothing but listen to music, watch movies/series and/or participate in any other activities that allow me to abstain from my self-responsibility tasks — that I in that refusal/resistance and fear to give that up — make myself believe that I cannot continue my self-forgiveness here because of the resistance because I can’t speak/write no words, like I am blocked — instead of realizing that I am ‘blocking’ myself because I don’t want to give-up my self-interest of/as doing the things/activities that make me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’/that create positivity/positive energy-experiences within/inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find it within myself to just give up on the desire to continue and demanding some ‘leisure time’ as time where I can just relax/chill and do nothing but listen to music, watch movies/series and/or participate in any other activity that creates ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences within me — instead of realizing that I can but that I decide not to because I think/believe and have convinced myself that I need some ‘rest’ from my self-responsibility tasks because at some point/after some time doing my self-responsibility tasks it is just ‘enough’ and I need some ‘rest’ — not realizing that ‘rest’ in this is the time where I can participate in things/activities that create ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences within/inside me and ‘shift’ my preoccupation/attention from ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ and ‘perfecting myself as life’ towards things that allow me to ‘feel good’/’feel happy’/experience ‘bliss’ and positivity within/inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that after some time of doing my self-responsibility tasks, that it is just ‘enough’ and that I then need some ‘rest’ as ‘time’ where I can participate in things/activities through which I feel good and happy because the participation in those activities shift my preoccupation/attention from ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ onto the activity and I forget about all my self-dishonesties and can feel happy again — instead of realizing that I don’t need ‘rest’ in ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting myself’ because the ‘facing’ and ‘correcting’ of myself is a LIVING ‘task’ — it is LIVING, it is a BREATH — it is in EVERY BREATH — so just like I don’t need ‘rest’ from Breathing/Living — I don’t need ‘rest’ in ‘facing’ and ‘correcting’ myself and ‘living’ because ‘breathing’/’living‘/’facing myself’/’correcting myself‘/’living self-corrective application’ does not require ‘rest’ — it is an on-going ‘process’ and never stops because it is LIVING and LIVING never stops.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so addicted to music that I refuse/resist to give-it up and demand some time/rest from my self-responsibility tasks to allow me to listen to music — because I am using music as a means/way to ‘get away’ from my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing myself’ and ‘changing myself’/’correcting myself‘. So I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I resist/refuse/fear to give up listening to music and demanding/needing time/rest from my self-responsibility tasks to allow me to listen to music — because I resist/fear to give-up that point that has allowed me to/that I have used/abused to ‘get away’ from my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing’ and ‘changing’ and ‘correcting’ myself, so that if I give-up that point that allowed me to ‘hide’ from myself/my self-responsibility tasks — I will be left with myself as ‘facing myself’ the entire time and I believe that I just can’t handle this because then things will move too fast and I will not be able to maintain/perpetuate/delay participation in self-interest activities/activities that make me ‘feel good’ and ‘happy’ and experience ‘bliss’ and all kinds of positivity/positive energy-experience within/inside me — because I am now ‘facing myself’ 24/7 directly without having any point where I can ‘hide’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that obviously things will move faster and I will face points of self-dishonesty faster and in that will have to give-up things I hold-onto and cherish and love and fear losing faster as-well and I don’t want that, but want to prolong/delay the loss of the things I fear losing/giving-up as much/long as possible — even though I am aware that the time will inevitably come where I will have to let-go/give-up and ‘lose’ that which I fear losing because I know that it’s self-dishonest and as long as I hold onto that thing which I fear losing I will not be able to create myself as what’s best for all life — instead of realizing that I am then in this implying that I am deliberately prolonging/delaying my own process and transcendence and in that the creation/manifestation/materialization of equality and oneness in/as existence as a whole — because I am trying to prolong/delay the ‘Facing of Myself’ and ‘giving-up’/’losing’ of the things I fear losing/giving up and that I could move much faster within/as my own process and in that accelerate the universal process equally if I would allow me to stop using/abusing points like music to ‘hide’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing of myself’ ‘changing’/’correcting’ myself — just for the sake of prolonging my participation in and maintaining the activities and things I fear losing/giving-up as long as practically possible.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Deliberately prolong/delay my own process and transcendence through searching for and using/abusing ‘points’/things/activities like music — to ‘hide’ myself from/’get away from’ ‘facing myself’ and ‘correcting’/’changing’ myself just to prolong/delay my participation and maintenance of the things/activities that I ‘hold onto’ and fear losing/giving-up, so that I can as long as possible prolong doing these things which I fear losing/giving-up — instead of giving them up immediately because I am aware that the time will inevitably come where I will have to give up all these things I fear losing because they are purely for my own self-interest entertainment and stand in the way of creating myself as life as what’s best for all — so let’s just give it up immediately and not prolong my own process and transcendence unnecessarily and in that not delay the manifestation of equality an oneness within/as existence as a whole simultaneously and move within and throughout my process at the pace I can really move through and not move much slower then I potentially can, through deliberately prolonging/delaying ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing myself’ ‘correcting’/’changing’ myself because I deliberately try to prolong/delay participation in things/activities/points that I have defined myself by/as and fear losing/giving-up but instead ‘face myself’ and give-up unconditionally that which needs to be given-up/stopped and changed and get this process done as quick/fast as potentially and practically possible.

An so, within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not about ‘not listening to music’ or ‘not being allowed/able to listen to music’ within ‘walking my process’ — or participating in any other activity for that matter — but about not using/abusing ‘music’ or any other activity for the purpose of ‘hiding’/’getting away’ from ‘facing myself’ and in that ‘facing’ ‘changing’/’correcting’ myself and/or to ‘prolong’ the existence of and ‘delay’ the ‘losing’/’giving up’ of the things/points I hold-onto within myself and fear losing/giving-up and that I in that can very well listen to music or watch movies or do other activities, but not use/abuse them to ‘get away’/’hide‘/’run away from’ my self-responsibility tasks of/as ‘facing’ and in that ‘channing’/’correcting’ myself.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 20 Jul 2012, 13:37

Day 94 Abusing the Body through Food

And here I hit again a wall of resistance and try to justify the resistance with “I am tired” and “I don’t know”. The point I am resisting to look at is the consumption of particular food.

I have had a great craving for ice-cream and ate it but ate it within feeling guilty all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty eating ice-cream or other food that I judge as ‘bad’ because I fear to get pimples and/or that it will interfere with my goals of muscle-building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and regret eating sweets or food that I know/am aware that it has no nutritional-value and is actually not good for the physical body and feel angry with/towards myself when I do eat such food through giving-in to the temptation/craving experience within me — because I am aware that my very decision to go and eat such food is a decision to deliberately abuse my body because I know that the food is not good for me/my body and the evidence of this is the after-experience of tiredness and lethargy when eating such food — yet I over and over again give-into the temptation and craving experience within me. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress my anger I experience within me towards myself for making the decision consciously to deliberately abuse my body through eating food that do not support my body and food I am aware of that it is not good for me/my body and in spite of that awareness go “Fuck it, I’ll just eat it because I crave it so much” — because I do not want to be faced with my guilt and regret and anger I experience in relation to my deliberate decision to abuse myself/my body through food just because it tastes good and I have a craving for it in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into peer-pressure to eat/consume fast-food and food that I am totally aware of it’s negative impact/effect on MY body, yet decide to consume it just because my friends show/express signs of being hacked off by my choices of what foods I will consume and what not and to not risk being disliked by them or them abandoning me just because I don’t do the things that they would like to do — decide to abuse my body through the consumption of fast-food/food that I am aware of its negative impact/effects on MY physical body just to please them and maintain our friendship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friendship more then the wellness/well-being of myself and my physical-body, in that placing myself and my physical body below others/friendships because apparently friends are so much more then me and my body that I should always choose my friends and do what they want even if it means to abuse/harm myself and my body. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to live 24/7 all my life with my friends — but I DO Have to live 24/7 all the time with myself and my physical body — so the relationship with myself and/as my own physical body should be the priority to take care of/for.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to eat/consume fast-food and food that I am aware is not good for my body and of which negative impact/consequence on my body I am aware of — just because I don’t want to piss my friends off and risk the friendship just because of my food-preferences and ‘ideas’ about food — instead of realizing that it’s not ‘ideas’ about food I have but that I have tested many foods and their effect on MY physical body and researched food and nutrients extensively and in that know/am aware of negative consequences/effects certain foods have on my body and that it’s a decision to assist and support myself and/as my physical body through food instead of abusing myself and/as my physical body through food that I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless towards the experience of ‘craving something’, so that I in this experience of ‘powerlessness’ give-into the craving and decide to go for the things I crave, even if it’s not good for me and my body, but do it regardless of the understanding/awareness of the consequences and negative impact/effects on me/my life/my process and my body just because I had a craving — not realizing that I am accepting and allowing the Experience of ‘craving’ to be more then me that I apparently cannot remain self-directive in the presence/face of such an experience. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can indeed remain self-directive in the presence/face of the experience of ‘craving’, such as ‘craving food’ and direct myself as the situation with the outcome of what’s best for me as my body. In that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that many times where I had craved some food of which I knew that it was not good for myself/my body and I gave-into the craving and ate/consumed such food that I have justified it with “What should I do, there’s nothing else and I have to eat something !” — while suppressing my awareness that there was in-fact other food there that was good for myself/my body but which I didn’t want to eat at that moment because it don’t taste good and the other food taste so much better — in this all not allowing myself to realize that I was choosing the food which tastes better because through that food I would be able to create/get specific energy-experiences within me that would make me ‘feel good’/’feel happy’.

Within that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am craving food which ‘tastes good’ because I have within and throughout my past ‘felt good’ and ‘felt happy’ within/inside me by/through eating such food and am now trying to re-create such energy-experiences within me which I had in the past through consumptions of specific food that ‘taste good’ — so that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose/decide to eat/consume food through which I can re-create energy-experiences of ‘happiness’ that I had in my past with these foods — like re-creating/re-living ‘good times’/’happy moments’ of my life I had in my past that I connected to specific food — instead of deciding to and choosing to eat/consume food that is scientifically/mathematically/bio-chemically researched to support/benefit the human physical body in it’s optimum functioning and health and not abuse it as something that produces ‘feel good’/’feel happy’ energy-experiences in response to certain food/chemicals/substances I introduce into it. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my body as a Positive-Energy-Experience-Production-Fabric that will in response to certain food and the foods bio-chemical composition react with other chemicals in the body, to produce other chemicals/hormones that will create/result in the creation/production of positive-energy-experiences of happiness within/inside me — instead of assisting and supporting myself and/as my body through introducing into it food that have been bio-chemically researched to benefit/support/assist the body in it’s optimum functioning, performance and health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to food that ‘tastes good’, even if it’s bio-chemically not good for me/my body, if there is no other food that ‘tastes good’ and is within/as it’s ‘composition’ bio-chemically proven to assist/support the body well — because I don’t like to consume food that does not taste good or that tastes ‘gross’ and will rather switch to food that is poison for my body because at least it ‘tastes good’. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my food-choices based on ‘taste’ instead of the physical/bio-chemical composition that is scientifically/medically/mathematically proven to benefit/assist/support the physical body in it’s optimum functioning, performance and health — because in eating/consuming food that has a neutral or even ‘gross’ taste; a taste that I am not comfortable with because of my programmed taste-preferences throughout the years of fast-food and commercial-food consumption; — I will not be able to create positive-energy-experiences of happiness through such food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through food for the purpose/expectation to create positive-energy-experiences of happiness that I can experience and in that ‘feel good’ within/inside me — instead of realizing that the body does not run on happiness or ‘feel good’-energy-experiences but on physical-food that is within it’s composition made up of nutrients/substances that the physical body needs for optimum functioning, performance, health and thus survival and that if I don’t introduce these substances/nutrients into my body — that no matter how much happiness and positive-energy-experiences of/as ‘feel good’-energy I have and experience within me as my mind — that I will die because happiness/’feel good’-energy-experiences are not the food/fuel of the body/life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn food/nutrition from ‘introducing’ into my body substances/nutrients that the body needs for optimum functioning, performance, health and thus survival — into ‘introducing’ into my body substances/food/chemicals that will react with other chemicals in the body to produce other chemicals/hormones that will create positive-energy-experiences of/as happiness that make me ‘feel good’ within/inside me. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the body doesn’t fucking care about taste and ‘feel good’-energy experiences it can get from food — but about the nutrients/nutritional value in a food that it can use/break-down for life-sustaining and performance-enhancing/optimizing functions in the body to maintain/assure a optimum functioning, performance and health of the body/itself so that it/I can survive in this physical existence.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 24 Jul 2012, 18:52

Day 99 “Fear”, “Desire” and “Reward” Character: No expected Reward??? Fuck it then, I won’t try so hard anymore!

Some days ago I noticed that my skin went dry again and I immediately thought that maybe I am doing something wrong within the way I walk my process. Maybe I am too hard on myself and not giving myself enough time to ‘chill’ and do what I’d like to do. Maybe I am too disciplined and do too much and should just relax more and allow me to do more what I’d prefer/want to do in moments because I am ‘working’ the whole day, spending the whole day with Process related things, moving from one task to the next without having any time for ‘just me’ and my ‘preferences’/’likes’ and wants/desires — like watching Tv, playing Games, listening to Music, Doing Nothing etc. And because I am spending too much time on process-things and not allowing myself any time for just ‘myself’ and the things I FEEL like wanting/desiring and preferring to do more then just the process related tasks it has unwanted/feared consequences which are manifested such as the dryness on my skin.

So, today in the morning when I woke up and looked into the mirror my face was dry and my hair was also looking dry and my skin has again ‘worsened’ and I immediately moved into a depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, inferiority reaction/experience within me with the thoughts/backchat that I am maybe doing it all wrong because my skin was fine before and now it has worsened again. And I immediately related it to the way I walk my process and how I walk my day to day living. And I pondered about reconsidering my walking of this process and to allow myself to chill/relax more within the context of: Allowing myself to participate/do more the things that I want/desire/like/prefer more then just process-related tasks. So I was thinking about taking some steps back in my walking of my process and to relax more within the context of: Doing the things I like/want/desire/prefer more, such as to allow me to watch more TV, listen to more music, play games etc. while doing less process-related tasks because maybe I am just doing ‘too much’.

But what am I doing too much?

When I wake up I first check my mails and make me breakfast. Depending on the day I will either go to the gym and do/complete my exercises or not. If I do go to the gym — I spend an hour there and return home. Thus it takes me about 3 to 4 hours from waking-up to getting-back home on days that I visit the gym. And with waking up mostly between 7:00 am and 8:00 am — I will mostly be back home between 11:00 am and 12:00 am. And from there I walk my process-related tasks: I dedicate approximately 1 hour for each task from there on till 10:00 pm. Each day I will spend:

about 1 hour to read the Creation’s and Heaven’s Journey to Life Blogs

at least 1 hour for my Writing/Self-Forgiveness (depending on the point it might take more then 1 hour)

listen to at least 2 interviews from Eqafe (also depending on the length/duration per interview — so it would at least be 1 to 1.5 hours I dedicate to listen to Eqafe interviews)

dedicate 1 hour for the DIP Course

dedicate 1 hour for the AGR Course

30 minutes for the Desteni Ratings List

Facebook Group/Blog Likes/Ratings (takes mostly about 5 to 10 minutes)

mostly about 2 hours totally spend on eating/nutrition per day

about 30 minutes totally spend on moving from one task to the next task during the whole day (this includes ‘small’ ‘breaks’ in between tasks, such as drinking water, snacks, bathroom etc.)

about 15 minutes to 1 hour spend ‘resting’ after having walked my tasks for some hours already

Depending on the Day have a chat with my buddies which takes from 5 minutes to 1 hour and also 1 hour spend on LF chats depending on the day

And from 22:00pm I rest and go to sleep before 12:00pm Till the next day

So, where the fuck do I do ‘too much’? I walk the available time practically, to not waste it unnecessarily but utilize it practically in ‘moving forward’ in my process. So, there’s nothing where I do ‘too much’. Doing ‘too much’ is trying to do more then what I can do/walk PRACTICALLY within the time I have available during my days. And this is not the case since I walk the available time practically within the context of: Doing what I can within the available time. So the ‘doing too much’ statement/justification/belief is Bullshit.

So what I am actually accessing there is a “Fear”-Character, “Fear of Doing it wrong”-Character accompanied with the “Desire/Expectation”-Character. Where I have an expectation, desire for a reward. An idea about what should happen and how things should be and what I should get from doing something, like when I walk my process and when I see that things are not as I believed and wanted and expected them to be; when I have no reward I expected to have — I immediately go into the “Fear of Doing it Wrong”-Character. Instead of realizing that I have been trying to superimpose/imprint an IDEA that I have created within my mind about the results that should happen/manifest and the reward I should get when I do something, like walk my process, based on the DESIRE of what I would like the result and reward to be.

So, the Idea that I have created within my mind is the following: That my skin and hair will beautify and my body-image/appearance change in the way that I have always wanted and desired it to be just because I am walking my process on/of stopping the points within me that have resulted/created the consequences such as for example the dry skin. And because my idea didn’t manifest/materialize in actual physical reality — I was thinking that I was doing it wrong and that I am maybe doing ‘too much’/facing myself ‘too much’ and not allowing myself enough time to just do the things that I would prefer/like/desire more then process-related tasks and ‘facing myself’. Essentially what I am saying is that I am not allowing myself enough time to waste with ‘Doing Nothing’ and ‘Fucking Around’ and spending it on Activities/Things that I prefer more because then I don’t have to face myself and walk my process. Lol.

So, the “Fear”-Character and “Desire”-Character manifested within/as me because I wasn’t getting the result and reward from my disciplined living/walking of process that I have expected/wanted to get and within that the Fear that I am doing it all wrong because I am not getting the result nd reward that I believe I should have/see/get.

Lol. So, what that means/implies is that I was trying to change/alter my participation in process in another way to see if that new way will give me the results I expected, desire and want to have. So, what that implies is that I still walk my process and do what I do and how I do it because I try to manifest/materialize my self-interest/desires/wants/’needs’ and thus I am not walking my process and not doing what I do and how I do it from the starting-point of self-honesty but still to get my desired/wanted ‘reward’ that I believe I should have/get because ‘I am walking process’ and ‘I am being more disciplined in my process’ and ‘I am self-honest now’. Lol.

So I was literally saying that because I did not get my expected/believed/desired/wanted REWARD from walking my process more disciplined — I won’t try so hard anymore and allow myself to take steps back and allow me to ‘fuck around’ more because I have no benefit/reward from being so disciplined anyway, so let’s just do the things again that I like/desire/prefer more anyway then all these bullshit process-tasks that rob my happiness/positivity anyway and ‘leave me flat’ in the end because it didn’t kept ‘it’s’ promise that I will get what I so desired/wanted and expected to get when I walk process and walk it more disciplined and with more commitment. Lol. The ‘promise’ is MY IDEA that I created within my mind of what I was BELIEVING and EXPECTING/DESIRING to, as a REWARD, get from walking my process of/as self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and walking it with more discipline and commitment. Lol.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 26 Jul 2012, 14:16

Day 100 The “Reward” Character

I am looking more specifically at the “Reward” Character to deconstruct it in seeing it for what it is, to through that assist and support myself to have the ability to be more specific in my self-forgiveness and self-corrective application from here on:

The Reward Character is a character that has created an Idea within it’s mind about a result and outcome that it would like to have through doing a specific application.

The Reward Character is motivated by the Hope, Idea and Expectation to get that which it desires, wants and ‘needs’.

When the Reward Character in anytime notices or becomes aware of the fact that the specific application or approach does not bring the desired, wanted and ‘needed’ result/reward it will go into self-manipulation through energy-reactions of fear, anxiety, anger, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness and inferiority and this is where the ‘Give Up’ Character comes in. The Reward Character loses it’s motivation to continue the specific application and will start questioning the application and believing that maybe it’s doing it all wrong. The Reward Character will then take some time off and reconsider it’s application and look for a new approach with which it may possibly manifest/materialize it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’ through. And when it finds a way/application through which it may possibly manifest/materialize it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’ it will be charged with Hope and the motivation for it’s movement and application will stand again.

The Reward Character never questions it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’ in practical terms to see if the desire, want and ‘need’ can in fact be practically manifested. Furthermore it is only concerned with it’s own self-interest and only sees and considers it’s own desires, wants and ‘needs’ and will justify it’s chasing after it’s self-interest as desires, wants and ‘needs’ with ‘I want, I want, I want’.

The Reward Character never assesses it’s application or way of living in terms of self-honesty to see whether the application or it’s way of living is indeed Best for All, but only according to it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’ it wants and expects to get through the application, so that it will alter and change it’s application and way of living based on how it thinks and believes and has reasoned within it’s own mind how it could possibly obtain it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’. That means that even if an/it’s application and way of living is Best for All, it will immediately stop and change, alter and modify it’s application and way of living if it does not result in the expected, desired, wanted and ‘needed’ reward.

Instead of Self letting go of the Idea that Self has created within the mind about what the result and outcome of an application will be based on the personal desires, wants and ‘needs’ that Self has. And for Self to assess an application and way of living based on self-honesty and whether or not the application and way of living is indeed Best for All Life. And if it is then to continue and stand with/as it because it’s common-sense. Where in this Self has to stand as Self’s Own Motivation in Moving Self to do what’s Best for Self within the context of what’s Best for All Life simply through the mere understanding and seeing in self-honesty of what is Best for Life.

Now, to identify the Thoughts, Backchat, Energy-Reactions as Emotions and Feelings and the Physical-Behavior changes that Self undergoes in the manifestation process of the Reward Character:

Thoughts:

In the beginning stage of the Reward Character: A picture of Self with the reward/desire, want and ‘need’ manifested in the future.

In the end stage of the Reward Character: A Picture of the reward/desire, want and ‘need’ that was expected to be obtained, scattered in pieces and out of reach.

Backchat:

In the beginning stage of the Reward Character:

“Uhuhuhuh.. I can’t await it.. !”

“Finally I will have my desires, wants and needs manifest”

“This is it, this is the right way to do it to get..”

“Yes, through this I will get/have..”

“I think that I have really finally found the way through which to get/have..”

“I will try this.. I really feel that it will work this time. Yes, I am positive !”

“You know it makes sense that I will through this get/have..”

In the end stage of the Reward Character:

“What !? Why is my [desires, wants and needs] not manifesting, I am doing everything the right way !?”

“What !? I’m not getting from it [what I wanted and expected]? I’m no longer doing it. Fuck it. I have no desired benefit from it anyway.”

“Maybe I am doing it wrong”

“Maybe I must do it that way”

“WHY !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Energy-Reactions as Emotions and Feelings:

In the beginning stage of the Reward Character:

Feelings: Happiness, Exhilaration, Joy, Hope

Emotions: Fear, Uncertainty

In the end stage of the Reward Character:

Emotions: Anger, Fear, Anxiety, Depression, Powerlessness, The Experience to want to Give-Up

And then it moves to the beginning stage again when Self has found a new way through which it hopes and believes that it might be able to manifest/materialize it’s desires, wants and ‘needs’.

Physical Behavior Changes:

In the beginning stage of the Reward Character:

Excitement

Calm, yet accelerated breathing, like Self can’t await the end

Smiling

Smirking

Chin up and Chest out

Chin up and looking slightly above instead of in front, like looking into the future, seeing the end-result as desire manifested/materialized right in front of Self, just a few steps away

In the end stage of the Reward Character:

Slouching

Sighing

Unrest

Trepidation

Looking into various direction without any aim, as though searching for something (searching for a solution)

Accelerated Heartbeat

Chest closing-up

Shallow Breathing

Holding the Head in one’s hands out of Depression/Hopelessness

Gazing into space

Tiredness

Apathy

Lethargy

Sluggish Movement

Some examples of the Reward Character:

I decided to change my diet to give to my body what it needs on a biochemical level from which my body would benefit the most. I was doing so within the belief and desire that I will through that manifest my dream body. I was hoping and expecting to get that desire of mine manifest/materialize in the near future. I was motivated to stay on this diet through my hope and conviction that I will get what I desire just if I keep walking. After I have been on this diet for quite some time I noticed that I wasn’t getting what I believed, expected and desired to get from it. I immediately gave the diet up and reverted to my old diet where I wasn’t considering my body in terms of what my body needs on an biochemical level to function properly and to it’s optimum performance level because I reasoned within myself that I do not benefit from such a diet or the point of ‘taking care of my body’ to such an extent in terms of that I am not getting what I desire and want to get from it. Instead of that I have remained and continued with this diet because I knew and understood so far, from all the research and body feedback I was getting while I was on this diet, that this diet is benefiting my body and is Best for my Body. But my priority and most important thing was my self-interest as my personal desires, wants and ‘needs’ and I was only looking for ways and methods which and through which I could finally manifest/materialize my self-interest as desires, wants and ‘needs’. And just because I wasn’t getting what I personally desired as my self-interest — I was no longer doing what’s Best for my Body.

Another example is:

I decided and committed myself to be more disciplined in my process and to no more waste time unnecessarily. Also to no longer use as much excuses and justifications for why I am not managing my available time effectively. I made that decision in the idea, hope and expectation that it will result in my skin clearing up. Essentially that I was expecting my desire for a beautiful and blemish free skin to manifest/materialize. When I after some time noticed that I wasn’t getting what I expected and wanted from it I immediately started questioning my ‘new’ approach and living and considered to move some steps back and allow me more time to relax and just do nothing. Or spend watching TV, listening to Music and even start playing games. Essentially to give me some time to have ‘fun’. To do the things I prefer doing more then process-related tasks. Just because I wasn’t getting a blemish free skin and the skin that I imagined and believed and expected that I would get through walking my process now in this ‘more committed’ and ‘more disciplined’ way. Instead of that I have assessed my walking in self-honesty where I would have seen that it was quite fine, because I was managing and utilizing the time, the hours I have available in my days practically to walk tasks and do things to move forward in my process. Instead of realizing that I was actually doing What’s Best for All wihtin the context of what I can do at this moment to contrinute to a Better Self and a Better World. And would in that self-honest assessment/judgment simply remained constant and consistent and continued walking my process as I have been walking it in this way that was Best for All. But, no, My priority and starting-point was to find a way with and through which I could manifest/materialize my self-interest as desires and get/have what I want. Such as, in this case, a blemish free, clear skin. Instead of doing what’s Best for Life Equally as One.

So, as can be seen in the examples, through stepping into and becoming the Reward Character I was motivated by my self-interest as the hope to get the Reward that I wanted and desired to have and get through my applications. And because I didn’t get what I expected and hoped I would get, I immediately lost motivation and wanted to give the applications up and alter and change them and replace them with other applications that I would believe I can get/have what I want and desire through. Even though what I did was wihtin the context of: Best for All.

So, form here I will walk my self-forgiveness on this Character to set myself free.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 27 Jul 2012, 17:16

Day 101 “I AM because THEY SAY”/”THEY SAY therefor I AM” Character: Judging myself through others.

I just identified a character within myself. The “I AM because THEY SAY”/“THEY SAY therefor I AM” Character. This is the character where I essentially judge and define myself through others.

So, here I am now analyzing and deconstructing the character into it’s individual components of/as Thoughts, Backchat, Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings, Physical-Body Changes and the first/initial memory/experience where I acted and created and stepped into this character:


Thoughts:

A picture of myself manifested as that judgement of the other

A picture of myself as (being) that very judgment of another

A picture of myself shaped and formed and manifested according to and as the judgement of another

A picture where I see myself in the detailed form and shape and manifestation of the judgment of another

Backchat:

“I am [the judgement]”

“Oh shit.. Am I really [the judgment]?”

“I don’t want to be [the judgment]..”

“I am less then/inferior”

“I am unworthy”

“I am not good enough”

Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings

Shame

Embarrassment

Fear

Anxiety

Nervousness

Inferiority

Unworthiness

Judgment

Comparison

Physical Body Changes:

Hot Flush (especially in the face)

Headache

Sweating

Feeling hot

Hang my head in shame

Shiver

The body contracts/tightens

Suppressing self; trying to become invisible

Avoiding eye contact with others

Accelerated heartbeat

Accelerated and shallow breathing

Chest closes up

Difficulty breathing, like the air/oxygen is stuck in the neck and does not go into the chest/lungs at all

Petrified/Paralyzed

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever someone throughout my life said and judged me as something, to have internalized that judgement and believed it and in that judged myself equal-to and one-with their judgement of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever someone judged me throughout my life to have internalized that judgement within the context of: Believing them and believing the point of judgement to be true and within that took the very judgement and defined the totality of myself according to and as this very judgement. Where I have in this essentially judged myself through others. Took the judgement of others and made it my own judgement.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or I have interpreted others words towards me as a form of judgement and negative feedback — have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe them and internalize the very judgement because I though that because they see me or think of me in that way it must be true and it must be Who I am. In that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or said words to me that I interpreted as judgement and negative feedback towards me, immediately judged myself through them, through their judgement because I believed that they are right because they ‘see’ me and they wouldn’t say anything that isn’t in fact so.

I forgive myself within that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through others, where whenever someone has judged me within my life, I have internalized their judgement and made it my own, judging me equal-to and one-with their judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, whenever someone has judged me or I have interpreted their words and behavior as a form of judgement and negative feedback towards me — to have also immediately judged myself in the exact same way they judged me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the character of “You judge me — I judge me” through which I would every time I see/hear/become aware of someone judging me or when I interpret others words or behavior as a form of judgement or negative feedback towards me — immediately judge myself in the exact same way they judged me or I interpreted their judgement. Making their Judgement my Own. Judging myself through them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to do this and that I can set myself free from this habit, tendency and character and gift myself the freedom and liberation from self-judgement, fear and anxiety of others opinions about me and all I need to do is allow me to stop judging myself through others. Where when someone judges me I do not accept and allow me to judge myself through them, through taking their judgement and internalizing it, making it my own where I judge myself in the exact same way they judged me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character through which I define myself as and become the judgement of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the “I AM because THEY SAY” character to exist within and as me and to step into that character automatically when/as I see/hear/become aware of others judgements of me, where I would in that moment of seeing/hearing/becoming aware of others judgement of me, internalize their judgement and make it my own, where I would judge myself in the exact same way they judged me and would define the totality of myself according to their judgement/words just because THEY SAID/JUDGED that I AM what they see me as. In that literally saying/stating “I AM because THEY SAY”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so diminished in my self-assessment abilities that I have created a dependency relationship towards others to tell me Who I AM where I would when and as someone would ever judge me or I would interpret the words of others as a form of judgement and/or negative feedback towards me, immediately internalize their judgement, make it my own where I would judge myself in the exact same, equal-to and one-with way as their judgement and words and define the totality of Who I AM through their judgement, accepting the I AM to be what THEY SAY — instead of realizing that I indeed possess the ability to assess myself and assess Who I am because I have my self-honesty here and can very much tell Who I AM and don’t need others to tell me who I AM, through which I define Who I AM as that which THEY SAY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the character “THEY SAY therefor I AM” to exist within and as me through which I define the I AM according to and as what THEY/others SAY; judging myself through others; judging myself through others judgements, words, opinions and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need others judgements and opinions and thoughts of and about me to tell me who I am and to see who and what I am instead of assessing myself and seeing for myself who I am in and through self-honesty directly. In that I don’t need others to tell me who I am, I cannot believe what others tell me about myself. I must cross-reference their view about me with my own direct-look at myself in seeing myself directly for what and who I am in and through self-honesty and not immediately believe their judgement and definitions of me, internalizing it and making it my own, where I as the ‘I AM’ Become what THEY/others SAY just because THEY SAY.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go to the other polarity extreme of defining and seeing and believing everything others say about me to be false and a lie instead of realizing that others might indeed see the truth of me and see what I do not see in a moment but that I must not immediately believe that and internalize it and say that I AM and IT IS just because THEY SAY — but must cross-reference it with myself in self-honesty to see if it’s true or not.

But I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in terms of judgements within the nature of ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’ it is one type of judgement to not internalize and make my own, through judging myself through them and their judgement, where I would judge myself in the exact same way, equal-to and one-with how they judged me and would define the totality of Who I AM as that/their judgement.

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear and anxiety of others judgement of me because I know within myself that I will judge myself through their judgement because I believe it to be true, because They Say that I am what they say and therefor I am what they say. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what others say that I am is not necessarily true and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that stop judging myself through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot set myself free from the fear and anxiety of others judgement and that I cannot set myself free from the character of “THEY SAY therefor I AM”/“I AM because THEY SAY”, where I judge me through others, because there is this one point of that others might also say the truth about me — and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must not believe and internalize the judgement of others and believe it to be true and define myself as the Who I AM as and according to the judgement/words of others and what they see in me or see me as and that I can indeed see myself, see Who I am by and for myself in self-honesty and must cross-reference what others say about me with myself in and as self-honesty and that the point of this character that must be stopped is: Defining myself, defining Who I AM as and according to what others say that I AM just because they SAY so. And that I can indeed set myself free from this.

To continue with the identification of the first/initial memory of this character and with more self-forgiveness.




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