Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”
This is going to be a series, because, obviously, in my life I have quite gone to extreme levels of self-judgment. So, in this series I am identifying and deconstructing each self-judgmental character Till they are no more.
“But you are a man in this life that created characters to judge yourself in every possible way…”
— from a chat with Bernard and Sunette
Self-Judgment Character Components:
Pictures of ‘Me’ transformed into the self-judgment my thoughts and backchat consist of and exist as.
“I am (what my thoughts and backchat say about me)”
“My thoughts are right (I am what they say that I am)”
“My backchat is right (I am what it says that I am)”
“Am I really (what my thoughts and backchat say that I am)?”
Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings:
Physical Body Changes:
Getting weak in the knees
Hanging one’s head
Constricted Body Movement
Trying to not take up much space
Avoiding social interaction
So, what’s the first initial memory as time in my life where I created the self-judgment character and started believing what my thoughts and backchat as inner voices in my mind/head were telling me about me as judging me, to be true and in turn judged and defined myself through them?
The first moment that popped up was during the third class in gymnasium, but I can actually see it way before that, even at elementary school.
A particular memory is: We had a homework assignment to do and we had to write an essay about some fantasy adventure experience of our choice, I decided to write about an adventure to the land of music. Now, I didn’t exactly understand how the assignment had to be structured and what was really expected. And I started to write how I somehow found myself waking up in the land of music, and then I started filling the rest of the assignment with the lyrics from songs I liked at that time. So, the next day, back at school, we had to read our essay title aloud and from there the teacher decided who should read their essay aloud. The said that mine sounded interesting due to the title. And I was asked to read my essay aloud. And, since most of my essay was lyrics from songs, I obviously had to read them, and firstly the teachers and the class mates laughed when I started singing, but then when I continued with reading lyrics form songs I wrote as my essay, the teacher interrupted me and said that what I did is WRONG and that I missed the point of the assignment. And they said it in a behavioral way that I interpreted as judgement and negative critique towards me, and then I had thoughts and backchat/internal conversations of:
“I am bad”
“I am a failure”
“I am no more good enough because I did my assignment wrong”
“I am stupid because I didn’t understand the point of the assignment”
“The teacher don’t like me anymore because I did my assignment wrong”
“I am a bad child because I made my assignment wrong”
And I believed my thoughts and backchat telling me that about me and in that I immediately went into self-suppression because I was embarrassed and ashamed and self-conscious, and I remained quite/silent throughout the day, cautious and trying to not make any more mistakes.
And the memory that popped up of the third class in gymnasium I now see, was actually the time I started creating or expanding the self-judgment character to include judgement of and towards my physical body appearance and obviously believed the self-judgment character as thoughts and backchat and feelings/emotions I had of self-judgmental nature, to be true, Buying into the self-judgment character’s thoughts and backchat and feeling/emotion experiences and judging and defining myself through them.
So, what are the consequences of allowing the self-judgment character to exist in and as me?
A consequence is, obviously, that through existing as the self-judgment character I compromise myself in my own self-expression and living, because I will only express to the extent that the self-judgment character allows. Meaning that I will only live and express myself to the extent that the self-judgment character will not judge, and as soon it starts judging my expression and living I will compromise my expression and living.
Another consequence is clearly the self-diminishment taking place due to the self-compromise and self-suppression because of the self-judgment. I mean it’s really not cool and preferable and enjoyable to live in constant self-suppression and self-diminishment, just because of ideas, beliefs and fears one has about himself or herself or itself that one judges oneself for.
Taking the point of consequence further to encompass overall process, it’s clearly able to be seen, that the allowance and acceptable of oneselve’s existence in and as the self-judgment character will compromise ones ability to walk process, especially when it comes to walking the world-system, because the self-judgment will not allow oneself to stand in the face of any and all challenges and assert oneself to bring about and live and stand for what’s best for all life, no matter what. Because the self-judgment character will diminish and compromise and suppress Self.
What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Judgment character:
So, what’s the FEAR that created the self-judgment character and is keeping it alive?
What I can see, from the initial memory of the self-judgment character is that I went into it because of the Fear to be Victimized. So, it’s like, I stepped into the self-judgment character to protect myself from being victimized by my teachers and class mates. Because through judging myself I want to make sure that I do everything right. That everything is perfect before others see it, like trying to close and remove all gaps and opening that might possibly/potentially be there in my application, expression and living that could be used against me to victimize me. So, I will judge me and my expression, application and living until I am satisfied that there are no gaps or imperfection left that could be used against me to victimize me. So I will judge me before another judges me. But I am not seeing that I am victimizing myself there through my own self-judgment. So, trying to prevent to be victimized by others, I decide to victimize myself before another does so.
What I can see as the main fear behind it is the fear that I am not good enough. So, I somehow try to ‘better’ myself through self-judgment because I will judge me for so long till, in my eyes, I see no more imperfections that could make me ‘not good enough’ according to societies/others perceptions/views, acceptances and definitions of perfection and imperfection and what is acceptable and what not and what is good and what not and how one should be/express/live and how not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters through and as which I judge myself in every way possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost and hopeless when thoughts and backchat arises of self-judgmental nature because I feel like I cannot ever stop me from judging myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I have thoughts or backchat of self-judgmental nature, that what I tend to immediately do in such moment, is to believe the thoughts and the backchat as voices in my head as believe everything they say to and about me and in that belief immediately judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat and define myself as and according to the content of the thoughts and backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and backchat when they start throwing words, images and sentences of judgmental nature at me because I believe that it’s me speaking to myself and that they are therefor right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that arise in my mind as words, images and actual conversations in my head and to, because I believe myself to be these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, believe what they say to and about me and define myself through and as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character that believes the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat it has to be true and defines itself through and as the content of these thoughts and backchat and in that judge itself through the thoughts and backchat it has as if the thoughts and backchat tell the fucking truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist as the “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what they say about me” character through and as which I believe my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and believe myself to be them and judge and define myself through and as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character as which I automatically believe my self-judgemental thoughts and backchat and define myself as and based on their content as if they tell the fucking truth and as if they fucking know me instead of realizing that I created myself as characters to judge me in every way possible.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, understand and become aware of that when I make the decision to stop to judge myself and self-judgmental thoughts and backchat still arise within my mind, then it’s by implication evidence that these thoughts and backchat is not ‘Me’ because ‘Me’ as ‘I’ as ‘Self’ decided to stop to judge me. So I forgive myself within that that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and in that believe what they tell me about me and define and judge myself through them, even though ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as ‘Self’ made the decision in a physical breath as a directive principle and authority to STOP to judge me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop to BELIEVE the thoughts and backchat through and as which I judge and define myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have defined myself so much as my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and characters that I really believe them to be ‘Me’ to such an extent that I believe everything they say to be true and believe everything they say about me, as if they fucking know me for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, while I have made the decision that I am stopping to judge myself and that I am not participating in any form of self-judgment any longer. And in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whatever self-judgmental thoughts and backchat emerge after I made the decision to stop to judge myself in all it’s forms, that it is not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ stopped to judge me and that I must find what these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat are and why they still emerge, for real, and then eradicate them for ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgment character and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the self-judgment character when it judges me and tells me things about me and for judging and defining myself through the self-judgement character while ‘I’ have clearly decided to stop self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the self-judgment character authority to direct me and decide how I experience and see myself and who I am and what to think and do next, instead of standing as self-authority here in and as the physical flesh in self-honesty.
TO DO in my next post