Aldin's Writings

Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 30 Jul 2012, 18:19

Day 104 “It’s so hard to get in with self-forgiveness again” Character

Character Components:

Thoughts:

“Tedious”

A picture of me doing self-forgiveness or any other self-responsibility task or work I don’t like or feel like doing in that moment and while I am applying the self-forgiveness and doing my self-responsibility tasks I struggle and suffer and am in pain and it’s no fun and there is no enjoyment at all. Like I am imprisoned/enslaved and forced to do what I do against my own will.


Backchat:

“It’s going to be so hard and difficult”

“I don’t feel like doing it now”

“It’s not fun”

“I must first rest before I can do it”

“I’ll do it later, I have lots of time left still”

“I feel too tired for it”

“How am I going to do this..”

“How am I supposed to do it now, I feel so tired”

“It hard to get in with it now again because I just did this and that”

Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings:

Feeling low

Feeling unmotivated

A feeling of relief

Happiness

Physical Body Changes:

Heavy eyes

Sluggish Movement

Slouched shoulders

Yawning many times

Tired

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the “It’s so hard to get in with self-forgiveness again” character to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character through and as which I find it hard to get in with self-forgiveness or other tasks I need to do again if I have done something else I enjoyed doing more then self-forgiveness or my other self-responsibility tasks — instead of realizing that it’s a way through which I try to justify why I am not simply doing my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks because I try to prolong the time to do the things I enjoy doing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard to get in with self-forgiveness again because I just played soccer and did other athletic activities and things I enjoyed more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks and feel tired now, instead of realizing that I am indeed capable of doing my self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks but that the truth is that I do not want to because watching TV and even just sitting or lying somewhere doing nothing is so much better and easier and I enjoy it so much more then having to do self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have done something before that I enjoyed doing and enjoy doing more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks, to have the thought of/as a picture of me doing self-forgiveness or my self-responsibility tasks within the experience of difficulty and hardship, seeing myself in such pain, suffering, struggle within the course of applying/doing my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks, totally absent from any ‘fun’ and ‘happiness’ feeling/experience within me, and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that through accepting and allowing myself to create/allow and participate within that thought I am creating and facilitating my inner experiences and resistances instead of just doing my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s a BELIEF that it’s hard to get in with self-forgiveness or my self-responsibility task once again if I’ve done other things before and that it’s a justification why I am not simply doing what I have to do because I want to do other things I enjoy doing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it’s hard to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again because and when I’ve eaten fast-food or played some sort of sport, like soccer or simply spend my time with some friends because that was fun and I enjoyed spending my time doing these things and I want to continue doing what I enjoy more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and perceive it so hard and difficult to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again when or if I have done other things before which I enjoyed more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks, like eaten fast-food or played some sort of sport and believe it to be really true because I feel tired instead of realizing the processes of thoughts and backchat and energy-reactions of/as emotions and feelings that went into the creation of the physical body changes in the form of this tiredness I experience and therefor believe the point that getting in with self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks again if I’ve done something else before that is so difficult instead of realizing that I just want to continue doing what I want and enjoy doing more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks because I had a ‘fun’ and ‘good time’ thus far and don’t want to sacrifice it through and for self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks. Thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I myself created the tiredness through thoughts, backchat and accepted and allowed energy-reactions of/as emotions and feelings and that I can indeed just simply do my self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks right immediately no-matter what I’ve done before that during my day.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am using the “It’s so hard to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks” character as a justification through which to be able to do what I’d like to do more then my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks, such as watching television, listening to music, playing games, participating in sports, spending my time with friends and so on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought that getting in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks after I have done something else before that is going to be “tedious” instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that within that very moment of accepting and allowing this thought to exist within me I am creating the very resistance towards self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks and make the simple point of just doing my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks after I’ve done something before, a process I need to ‘walk’ in-order to get in with the self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks once again instead of realizing that it’s actually as simple as just doing it and does not require a process — but that I experience it as a process because I am unwilling to let go of the past-moments as tasks and activities and things I did before during my day because I had ‘fun’ and a ‘good time’ doing them and want to continue to do what I like, enjoy and prefer more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks; thus that I do not want to do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks because there are things I enjoy doing more and want to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “It’s going to be so hard and difficult” to exist within and as me when I am faced with the moment where I have to do my self-forgiveness and my other self-responsibility tasks after I have done other things before that during my day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from with this backchat accepted and allowed myself to feel low and unmotivated and end up feeling physically tired and lethargic because I do not want to do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks because what I did before the moment of having to do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks was more fun and I enjoyed it more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks and thus want to continue to do these things I enjoy more.

Thus, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I feel physically tired and feel low in energy and motivation and have the backchat “It’s going to be hard and difficult” when I have to do self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks after I’ve done other things before that during my day — because I have created a thought in which I picture myself doing the self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks within the experience of pain, suffering and struggle during the course of the application of the self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks absent from any ‘fun’ and ‘enjoyment’, and that I am in that the CREATOR of my experience and resistance and that I am the one that makes it hard and difficult to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again if I’ve been doing something else before that during my day and that I can stop in one moment and step out of the character and then see and realize that doing my self-forgiveness and other self-responsibility tasks during whatever time during/in my day, whether I did something else before that or not, is really as simple as just doing it. It’s a Breath. And I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only reason why I will feel and think and make the point up that it’s hard and difficult to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again after I’ve done other things during my day, is when there are other things I prefer, want and desire to do more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks and that the statement that it’s to hard and difficult to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again after I’ve done something else before that is used to justify why I am not doing what’s Best for All and why I made the decision for my self-interest, to do what I like, want and desire and prefer doing more then what’s Best for All Life Equally.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel relieved and happy because I successfully talked and reasoned me into giving-up on my self-responsibility tasks and am now free to do what I like, desire, want and prefer to do more anyway and that this relief and happiness is evident of the dishonesty of the point that it’s hard and difficult to get in with self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks again after I’ve done other things during my day before that and that it’s used as a justification to not do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks and to validate my decision I made for my self-interest to do what I want, desire and prefer doing more then self-forgiveness and my self-responsibility tasks and/as what’s Best for All Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further physically change and alter my behavior and experience to facilitate and back-up the justification why I am not simply doing my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks and the decision I made to go for my self-interest rather then what’s Best for All. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have heavy eyes, slouched shoulders, feel tired and move sluggish to facilitate and back-up my justification for why I am not willing to do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks and the decision I made to go for my self-interest of personal desires, wants and ‘needs’ rather then doing what’s Best for All Life because physical-experiences are so trustworthy and seem much more valid as a justification and reason for why I’m not doing, or ‘able’ to do my self-forgiveness and self-responsibility tasks, then just emotions and feelings as energy-experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as and participate within and allow backchat, such as “It’s going to be so hard and difficult”, generate the energy-experiences of/as ‘feeling low’ and ‘unmotivated’ and in that not see that it’s me myself actually, really who is creating how I feel and experience myself and that I am in this the creator of the hardship and difficulty of getting in with self-forgiveness and my other self-responsibility tasks again after I’ve done other things during my day and that I in that am responsible and accountable for this experience and obliged to stop because I can.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 06 Aug 2012, 18:23

Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

This is going to be a series, because, obviously, in my life I have quite gone to extreme levels of self-judgment. So, in this series I am identifying and deconstructing each self-judgmental character Till they are no more.

***********
“But you are a man in this life that created characters to judge yourself in every possible way…”

— from a chat with Bernard and Sunette
***********

Self-Judgment Character Components:

Thoughts:

Pictures of ‘Me’ transformed into the self-judgment my thoughts and backchat consist of and exist as.


Backchat:

“I am (what my thoughts and backchat say about me)”

“My thoughts are right (I am what they say that I am)”

“My backchat is right (I am what it says that I am)”

“Am I really (what my thoughts and backchat say that I am)?”

Energy-Reactions of/as Emotions and Feelings:

Self-Judgment

Inferiority

Worthlessness

Powerlessness

Fear

Anxiety

Depression

Self-Suppression

Shame

Embarrassment

Guilt

Physical Body Changes:

Accelerated Breathing

Heart Racing

Closed-Up Chest

Shallow Breathing

Getting weak in the knees

Hanging one’s head

Avoiding eye-contact

Tension

Constricted Body Movement

Cautious Movement

Trying to not take up much space

Avoiding social interaction

First/Initial Memory:

So, what’s the first initial memory as time in my life where I created the self-judgment character and started believing what my thoughts and backchat as inner voices in my mind/head were telling me about me as judging me, to be true and in turn judged and defined myself through them?

The first moment that popped up was during the third class in gymnasium, but I can actually see it way before that, even at elementary school.

A particular memory is: We had a homework assignment to do and we had to write an essay about some fantasy adventure experience of our choice, I decided to write about an adventure to the land of music. Now, I didn’t exactly understand how the assignment had to be structured and what was really expected. And I started to write how I somehow found myself waking up in the land of music, and then I started filling the rest of the assignment with the lyrics from songs I liked at that time. So, the next day, back at school, we had to read our essay title aloud and from there the teacher decided who should read their essay aloud. The said that mine sounded interesting due to the title. And I was asked to read my essay aloud. And, since most of my essay was lyrics from songs, I obviously had to read them, and firstly the teachers and the class mates laughed when I started singing, but then when I continued with reading lyrics form songs I wrote as my essay, the teacher interrupted me and said that what I did is WRONG and that I missed the point of the assignment. And they said it in a behavioral way that I interpreted as judgement and negative critique towards me, and then I had thoughts and backchat/internal conversations of:

“I am bad”

“I am a failure”

“I am no more good enough because I did my assignment wrong”

“I am stupid because I didn’t understand the point of the assignment”

“The teacher don’t like me anymore because I did my assignment wrong”

“I am a bad child because I made my assignment wrong”

And I believed my thoughts and backchat telling me that about me and in that I immediately went into self-suppression because I was embarrassed and ashamed and self-conscious, and I remained quite/silent throughout the day, cautious and trying to not make any more mistakes.

And the memory that popped up of the third class in gymnasium I now see, was actually the time I started creating or expanding the self-judgment character to include judgement of and towards my physical body appearance and obviously believed the self-judgment character as thoughts and backchat and feelings/emotions I had of self-judgmental nature, to be true, Buying into the self-judgment character’s thoughts and backchat and feeling/emotion experiences and judging and defining myself through them.

Consequences:

So, what are the consequences of allowing the self-judgment character to exist in and as me?

A consequence is, obviously, that through existing as the self-judgment character I compromise myself in my own self-expression and living, because I will only express to the extent that the self-judgment character allows. Meaning that I will only live and express myself to the extent that the self-judgment character will not judge, and as soon it starts judging my expression and living I will compromise my expression and living.

Another consequence is clearly the self-diminishment taking place due to the self-compromise and self-suppression because of the self-judgment. I mean it’s really not cool and preferable and enjoyable to live in constant self-suppression and self-diminishment, just because of ideas, beliefs and fears one has about himself or herself or itself that one judges oneself for.

Taking the point of consequence further to encompass overall process, it’s clearly able to be seen, that the allowance and acceptable of oneselve’s existence in and as the self-judgment character will compromise ones ability to walk process, especially when it comes to walking the world-system, because the self-judgment will not allow oneself to stand in the face of any and all challenges and assert oneself to bring about and live and stand for what’s best for all life, no matter what. Because the self-judgment character will diminish and compromise and suppress Self.

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Judgment character:

So, what’s the FEAR that created the self-judgment character and is keeping it alive?

What I can see, from the initial memory of the self-judgment character is that I went into it because of the Fear to be Victimized. So, it’s like, I stepped into the self-judgment character to protect myself from being victimized by my teachers and class mates. Because through judging myself I want to make sure that I do everything right. That everything is perfect before others see it, like trying to close and remove all gaps and opening that might possibly/potentially be there in my application, expression and living that could be used against me to victimize me. So, I will judge me and my expression, application and living until I am satisfied that there are no gaps or imperfection left that could be used against me to victimize me. So I will judge me before another judges me. But I am not seeing that I am victimizing myself there through my own self-judgment. So, trying to prevent to be victimized by others, I decide to victimize myself before another does so.

What I can see as the main fear behind it is the fear that I am not good enough. So, I somehow try to ‘better’ myself through self-judgment because I will judge me for so long till, in my eyes, I see no more imperfections that could make me ‘not good enough’ according to societies/others perceptions/views, acceptances and definitions of perfection and imperfection and what is acceptable and what not and what is good and what not and how one should be/express/live and how not.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characters through and as which I judge myself in every way possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost and hopeless when thoughts and backchat arises of self-judgmental nature because I feel like I cannot ever stop me from judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I have thoughts or backchat of self-judgmental nature, that what I tend to immediately do in such moment, is to believe the thoughts and the backchat as voices in my head as believe everything they say to and about me and in that belief immediately judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat and define myself as and according to the content of the thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and backchat when they start throwing words, images and sentences of judgmental nature at me because I believe that it’s me speaking to myself and that they are therefor right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that arise in my mind as words, images and actual conversations in my head and to, because I believe myself to be these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, believe what they say to and about me and define myself through and as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character that believes the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat it has to be true and defines itself through and as the content of these thoughts and backchat and in that judge itself through the thoughts and backchat it has as if the thoughts and backchat tell the fucking truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist as the “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what they say about me” character through and as which I believe my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and believe myself to be them and judge and define myself through and as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character as which I automatically believe my self-judgemental thoughts and backchat and define myself as and based on their content as if they tell the fucking truth and as if they fucking know me instead of realizing that I created myself as characters to judge me in every way possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see, understand and become aware of that when I make the decision to stop to judge myself and self-judgmental thoughts and backchat still arise within my mind, then it’s by implication evidence that these thoughts and backchat is not ‘Me’ because ‘Me’ as ‘I’ as ‘Self’ decided to stop to judge me. So I forgive myself within that that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and in that believe what they tell me about me and define and judge myself through them, even though ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as ‘Self’ made the decision in a physical breath as a directive principle and authority to STOP to judge me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must stop to BELIEVE the thoughts and backchat through and as which I judge and define myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have defined myself so much as my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat and characters that I really believe them to be ‘Me’ to such an extent that I believe everything they say to be true and believe everything they say about me, as if they fucking know me for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, while I have made the decision that I am stopping to judge myself and that I am not participating in any form of self-judgment any longer. And in that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whatever self-judgmental thoughts and backchat emerge after I made the decision to stop to judge myself in all it’s forms, that it is not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ stopped to judge me and that I must find what these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat are and why they still emerge, for real, and then eradicate them for ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the self-judgment character and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the self-judgment character when it judges me and tells me things about me and for judging and defining myself through the self-judgement character while ‘I’ have clearly decided to stop self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the self-judgment character authority to direct me and decide how I experience and see myself and who I am and what to think and do next, instead of standing as self-authority here in and as the physical flesh in self-honesty.

Self-Corrective statements:

TO DO in my next post



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 07 Aug 2012, 13:45

Day 112 Self-Corrective statements on the Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Character components:

For the Self-Judgement character components, see Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Self-Forgiveness:

For the Self-Forgiveness part, see Day 111 Self-Judgment Character (Part 1): “My thoughts and backchat are right: I am what it tells about me.”

Self-Corrective statements:

I commit myself to find and eradicate any and all characters through and as which I judge myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and set myself free from the self-diminishing and self-compromising and self-suppressing existence of myself.

I commit myself to not give-up and stop until I have found and eradicated all characters through and as which I judge myself.

I commit myself to not allow myself to feel lost and helpless when I have thoughts and backchat as actual inner conversations that judge me and to believe that I can never stop the self-judgment because I always have thoughts and backchat through which I judge me but to instead keep pushing myself and continue walking my process of self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application till I find ways as solutions to actually stop the self-judgment for real for ever.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have a tendency to believe what my thoughts and backchat judge me as and that I in that belief, judge and define myself through the judgement of my own thoughts and backchat and in that I commit myself to not allow myself to believe my thoughts and backchat judging me and in that not allow and stop judging and defining myself through the judgment of my own thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am not my thoughts and backchat that judge me, because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as the ‘Self’ have made the decision to stop to judge me and my body and because ‘I’ stopped to judge me, whatever still emerge in and as my thoughts and backchat that judge me — is not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ stopped to judge me. And I commit myself to assist and support me with and through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find and eradicate the reason and starting point of these self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that still arise and come up even though ‘I’ as ‘Me’ as ‘Self’ stopped to judge me.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe that I am my thoughts and backchat that judge me because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ have made the decision to not judge me anymore.

I commit myself to not allow me to participate in the thoughts and backchat that judge me because I see, realize and understand that these thoughts and backchat that judge me are not ‘Me’ because ‘I’ have made the decision to stop self-judgement and thus I do not allow me to believe the thoughts and back-chats that judge me and tell me who and what I am. And I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the application of ‘not participating’ in the thoughts and backchat that judge me and ‘not believing’ them and ‘not judging myself’ through them — is the corrective application, the corrective living where I assert as LIVE the decision I made to stop self-judgement.

I commit myself to stop believing that the self-judgmental words, images and conversations I have in my mind in form of thoughts and backchat are ‘Me’ and in that believe that the thoughts and backchat are telling the truth about ‘me’.

I commit myself to not allow me to define and judge myself through the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat I have, but to assist and support myself with and through breathing to remain here in the physical and live my decision of ‘not judging myself’ through ‘not participating’ in and ‘believing’ and thus defining and judging myself through my thoughts and backchat that ‘judge me’.

I commit myself to not take the judgement of my thoughts and backchat towards me personal and internalize it and to thus not participate in it and believe it and judge and define myself through it, but to instead simply find it’s root through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application and remove it, without taking it personal or reacting towards it.

I commit myself to simply not participate and believe the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat that come up in my mind, but to instead remain breathing and living my decision of ‘not judging myself’.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe what my thoughts and backchat tell about me and say that I am.

I commit myself to not allow me to belive what my thoughts and backchat define me as.

I commit myself to not allow me to exist as a character that believe the thoughts and backchat that judge it and judge and define itself through the judgement of it’s own thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to stop and not allow me to exist as the “My thoughts are right: I am what they say about me” character and to thus not believe that my thoughts and backchat are right and that I am what they judge me as and what they say that I am.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with and through breathing to remain here in the physical and live my decision of ‘not judging me’ physically and practically to not participate in and believe the thoughts and backchat that judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ am NOT the self-judgment character because ‘I’ DECIDE to STOP self-judgement.

I commit myself to immediately STOP and NOT participate in and to NOT believe my self-judgemental thoughts and backchat. And I further commit myself to assist and support myself with and through self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application to stop the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I MUST STOP to participate in and BELIEVE my thoughts and backchat when they judge me because I see, realize and understand that if I participate in them and believe what they say, that I am in that moment judging and defining myself through them.

And I also commit myself to see, realize and understand that I must stop to participate in and believe my thoughts and backchat when they judge me in order to stop the point of self-judgement because I see, realize and understand that every time I participate in and believe these self-judgment thoughts and backchat, that I am in that just maintaining their existence because I am participating in them and that very participation in them is the self-action of ‘believing’ them and ‘judging’ and ‘defining’ myself through and as them.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the very allowance and action to participate in my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat, is the self-action of ‘believing’ them and ‘judging’ and ‘defining’ myself through and as them and thus I am maintaining and perpetuating my existence of self-judgement.

I commit myself to not allow me to believe that my thoughts and backchat know me and in that believe everything they say about and to me.

I commit myself to not allow me to judge myself through the self-judgment character because I commit myself to not believe the self-judgement character when it judges me and in that I do not take the judgement of the self-judgement character personally and internalize it and make it my own judgement of myself.

I commit myself to not allow me to give the self-judgment character authority over me and allow it to decide and dictate how I should experience myself and how I should see myself as.

I commit myself to not allow the self-judgement characters and the thoughts and backchat that judge me to decide and dedicate to me how to see/view/perceive myself.

I commit myself to not see/view/perceive, judge and define myself through the self-judgement character.

I commit myself to not see/view/perceive, judge and define myself through what the self-judgment character judges me as.

I commit myself to stand and live self-authority as stopping self-judgement through not allowing myself to participate in, believe the self-judgmental thoughts and backchat in my mind and not see/perceive/view, judge and define myself through them.

I commit myself to assist and support me through self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective application and breathing as ‘not participating in’ and ‘believing’ the thoughts and backchat that judge me — to assert and live self-authority as ‘stopping self-judgement’. I decide to stop to judge me and in that I do not allow me to participate in, believe and judge myself through my own thoughts and backchat that judge me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have such a problem and find myself unable to let go of the judgments I have towards myself, is because I BELIEVE the thoughts and backchat that judge me and because I BELIEVE it to be true I cannot let-go because I define myself through it. I define my ‘Self’ through and as it.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I can investigate and forgive judgements and self-judgments without taking them personally and judging myself for even my own judgements and judgmental thoughts and backchat I have.

I commit myself to not allow my thoughts and backchat that judge me to change how I see myself.

I commit myself to not allow my thoughts and backchat that judge me to change how I live me and how I interact with reality.

I commit myself to not allow the self-judgment character to change how I see myself, how I live and how I interact with reality.

I commit myself to not allow my self-judgmental thoughts and backchat to change my perception of myself as how I see me.

I commit myself to be aware of my thoughts and backchat and to red-flag immediately when there are thoughts and backchat that judge me, to breathe and not allow myself to believe the thoughts and backchat and to not believe the thoughts and backchat to be ‘me’ and thus to not take them personally and internalize them; thus not judge and define myself through these thoughts and backchat that judge me.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 08 Aug 2012, 17:16

Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1)

Character components:

Thoughts:

Pictures of me standing right next or in front of another manifestation or expression, such as another being or a point. And in the picture I am this minute, tiny, little thing in comparison to the manifestation or expression I am standing besides or in front of, which is so much bigger then me. Like I am this pebble standing besides an entire mountain that overshadows me, making me invisible and kind of ‘non existent’.

A picture of me as a small child with a teddy in his hand and slouched body posture, holding his teddy in one arm and using his other arm to wipe of his tears, standing in front of this huge dark, black monster/creature that emerged from the ground, with his mouth wide open and huge sharp teeth and his arms spread making a gesture to expand itself even more and make itself even bigger, making a gesture like he wants to grab me with his huge sharp hands. And me as the little kid with his teddy, crying silently just looking up and feeling insignificant, frightened and anxious as the monster/creature overshadows me with ease where I feel so small and tiny in comparison to this huge monster/creature, being unable to hold a candle to it.

Backchat:

“He/She/They are so much better/greater then me”

“Look what they can do. I cannot do that. They are better then me.”

“Look how they are, I am in no way like them. They are better then me.”

“I am so worthless.”

“I am inferior/less then.”

“I am insignificant.”

“I can’t do what they can, so I am worthless and less then them.”

“I wish I could do that.. I am so worthless and inferior..”

“I wish I could be like them.. I am so worthless and inferior..”

Energy reactions of/as emotions and feelings:

Inferiority

Fear

Anxiety

Shyness

Embarrassment

Shame

Self-Suppression

Self-Judgment

Self-Criticism

Self-Conscious

Listlessness/Inappetency

Depression

Physical body changes:

Trembling

Slouched shoulders

Closed-up chest

Tilted head

Avoiding eye contact

Avoiding social interaction

Looking on the ground hiding one’s face

Sluggish body movement

Flushing/Hotness and redness in the face

Blushing

Shallow and heavy breathing

Gasping

First/Initial memory:

[TO DO in my next post]

Consequences:

[TO DO in my next post]

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Judgment character:

[TO DO in my next post]

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts to tell me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and backchat telling me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive and define myself as inferior, less then and less worthy then everyone and everything else I see and believe the feeling, thoughts and backchat telling me that to be true, instead of realizing that I have created ideas and beliefs in my mind and unless I meet up to these ideas and beliefs I will always feel and judge me as inferior, less then and less worthy then others, so it all happens in MY MIND really, through mere IDEAS I created or copied from others at some point in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my thoughts and backchat to tell me that everyone and everything else is so much better then me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind as thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings telling me that everyone and everything else is so much better then me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the totality of myself as inferior, less then and less worthy then everyone and everything else I see because I believe my thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions telling me that I am inferior, less then and less worthy then others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘I’ am the one who decided to accept, define, judge and see me as inferior, less then and less worthy then everything and everyone else and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘I’ am the one who decided to believe my thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings telling me that I am worthless, inferior and less then others and made these statements and judgments of my mind personal, internalized them and judged and defined myself through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in constant experiences of inferiority and worthlessness towards others, everything and everyone else in my world, always hiding myself, because I believe my mind as thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions telling me that I am not good enough and that everyone and everything else is better then me, instead of realizing that everyone is better at SOME points, but that that POINT they are better at then another does not DEFINE the TOTALITY of themselves as Superiority over myself or another and thus equally does NOT define the TOTALITY of myself as Inferiority and Worthlessness and ‘not being good enough’. It’s SOME ‘points’ as skills that some are better at then others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, judge, define and accept myself as being inferior, less then and worthless because my mind as thoughts and backchat tell me that I am so and I actually believe it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am not my thoughts and backchat telling and making me feel inferior, less then and worthless because I see, realize and understand that ‘I’ wouldn’t make myself deliberately feel inferior, less then and worthless through my own words, thoughts and backchat and thus compromise, diminish and victimize myself because I see, realize and understand that that is rather stupid and irrational !

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the feeling of inferiority, feeling less and feeling worthless will only be generated through (the participation in) thoughts and backchat and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I stop participating in and believing the thoughts and backchat that tell me and judge me as inferior, less then and worthless in comparison to others and stop comparing myself with others, there is no feeling and perception of inferiority or superiority, this being evidence that inferiority and superiority only exist in the MIND as an IDEA created by MAN and made a FEELING through THOUGHTS; stop thoughts and what will be seen through the eyes of the physical as what is here is equality in everything and everyone; thus no superior or inferior forms in comparison or competition with or judgement of each other.

So, in the the next post I will identify the following points of this character:

First/Initial memory

Consequences

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character

As Well as continuing with more self-forgiveness from there on.

Self-Corrective statements:

[TO DO in upcoming posts]



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 15:32

Day 114 The Inferiority Character (Part 2)

This is a continuation to Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1).

I am now continuing with the identification of the rest of the character components missed in Day 113 The Inferiority Character (Part 1).


First/Initial memory:

It was at the end of third year in gymnasium and I was re-registering into another school. I went to have a look at the school building and I saw these guys and one of them was tall with an athletic build and he was essentially representing the type of body I was after. When I saw him I felt inferior. The backchat in my mind was:

“Wow..”

“His body is so better then mine, look at mine, I am so chubby and ugly”

“Why can’t I be like this guy..?”

“He’s so much better then I could ever be”

“He’s great and I am so inferior to him”

“I’m not good enough”

“Gosh, look at his body.. I bet he has a great life with that body. I wish I was him.”

“He’s so free in his expression, why can’t I be like him..”

And I felt anxious, ashamed of myself and/as my body and embarrassed to look him in the eyes. I tilted my head, looking at the ground, gazing here and there in awe at him when he wouldn’t be looking into my direction. When I saw him, I literally felt like he represents something unreachable and impossible for me. Something so high and great that I can and will never ‘accomplish’ or ‘get to’ or ‘be’. Something I can never reach for. And I literally thought of myself as this small little ‘something’ overshadowed by this guy in all ways with ease, this guy’s greatness and superiority over me making myself seem so insignificant and worthless and invisible. Obviously, I had this whole trail of thoughts and backchat judging me as and telling me that I am inferior, less then and worthless in comparison to this guy. And I obviously BELIEVED my thoughts and backchat, believed that I am my thoughts and backchat judging me as inferior, less then and worthless and because I believed it to be me and the judgement of my own thoughts and backchat to be true, I immediately took and made it personal, internalized it and became one-with and equal-to, merged-with, fused-with, amalgamated-with and created myself in the image and likeness of the judgement of my thoughts and backchat and made the judgment ‘my ‘Self’’; in other words: I transformed myself into the judgement of my thoughts and backchat; I became it; I created and accepted me into ‘it’ in it’s image and likeness exactly to the detail through judging and defining the totality of myself through and as it and thus ACCEPTED myself AS what my mind through thoughts and backchat was judging and defining me as.

So, that’s the memory that popped up kinda first or most prominently when I was looking into me for the first/initial memory regarding the inferiority character.

Consequences:

So, what are the consequences of living as the Inferiority character?

What is obvious is the self-diminishment and self-suppression that takes place through accepting myself as inferior and worthless towards and in comparison with others.

And another point is, that I won’t take certain points on because I have already given up within myself in relation to the point within the context that I made peace inside me that I can not ‘reach’ or ‘become’ or ‘do’ something/a particular point because I feel, think, backchat myself into the acceptance of myself as being inferior and less-then ‘that’ point or task or thing. So, I won’t do it, I won’t live it because I accepted it within my mind as being just too big for me, being too great and superior for me to ever ‘reach’ or be ‘equal to’ ‘it’.

And in relation to process, there is quite drastic consequences, because I won’t be able to take on and walk the world-system effectively and stand steadfast in asserting my self-honesty and what is best for all because of accepting myself as inferior to certain people, expressions or points in this world or existence and therefor I will be compromised and suppressed and diminished in my ability to walk and talk and share and live my self-honesty and what’s best for all because I exist in FEAR towards others or points. Accepting me as less then, inferior to certain people and points.

And, living in inferiority isn’t a cool and enjoyable way of living because one is always at the self-compromising, self-diminishing and self-suppressing side. One is never able to live and express oneself to the fullest, there’s always some suppression and diminishment of oneself going on because one just feel as accept as see oneself as inferior to others, like, oneself isn’t worth it or allowed, doesn’t have the permission or allowed-freedom to express oneself freely and openly and unconditionally without any self-suppression or self-diminishment or need to temper one’s expression and living because oneself see and actually BELIEVE oneself to be inferior and less then.

So, the obvious consequence is the self-diminishment and self-suppression going on and happening within and through accepting myself as inferior and less then others or points.

There is much of untapped/wasted potential through accepting and allowing oneself to live in and accept oneself as inferiority just because one created this IDEA in ones mind in the past that one is inferior and less then and worthless in relation and comparison to and with others or points that ones MIND now tells and judges oneself constantly through thoughts and backchat and where one then BELIEVE the judgement and definition of oneself the mind as ones thoughts and backchat have of oneself an then in that belief make and take it personal, internalize it actually accept-self-as as literally transform self into the judgement and definitions ones mind as thoughts and backchat have of oneself, judging and defining oneself through ones thoughts and backchat that judge oneself as if it’s telling the fucking truth and knowing self in fact in and out to have the ability to judge and define oneself in ones totality. But the question if never asked by oneself of: Why would ‘I’ use my own words, thoughts, backchat, feelings and emotions as energy-experiences to talk me down and diminish me into making me accept, see and feel myself as inferior, less then and worthless? Why would ‘I’ diminish and compromise and attempt to destroy myself?

Thus one will develop into an ineffective being that is always on the self-diminishing, self-victimizing and self-suppressing life-style and expression.

What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character:

So, what is the FEAR that and through which I created the Inferiority character in the first place?

Let’s have a look…

What came up in my mind, kinda immediately when I looked at the question was the point of: Fear that the mind or others are right when they tell me that or judge me as being inferior, less then, worthless, not good enough etc.

Or the Fear that I am ‘not good enough’ as I am HERE and that there is MORE to me to ‘achieve’ because I FEEL like there is MORE and that I am just not enough as I am Here. Or because I am just not FEELING ‘complete’ or ‘good enough’ and perceive and see everyone and everything else as ‘more’ and ‘better’ and feel like I can be ‘more’.

Or when others express in an authoritative or dominant way, that I immediately interpret and see and take their expression as a sign of their superiority over me. Like if others would yell or speak in a dominant voice and in a self-confident way and move their body self-confidently and authoritative and dominant, that I would pick that expression, movement and presentation of themselves up as a sign and evidence of their greatness as superiority over me and in that define, see, judge and accept myself as inferior JUST because I am not able to speak in such a self-confident, authoritative and dominant manner, way and expression. Thinking and believing that because I can’t and they can speak in an authoritative, dominant, assertive and confident way that that defines their superiority and my inferiority. Not realizing that the only reason I ain’t able to speak in such a way, as an example, is because I am not allowing myself to because I have never done that because I have always, throughout my life been existing and allowing myself to exist in the inferiority/’I am inferior‘/’I cannot do that or be like that’ way/life-style/self-acceptance.

Like when parents would express and move themselves in a authoritative and dominant way and raise their voice and speak fluently and self-confidently, making themselves sound as if they are all-seeing and all-knowing, and giving orders and telling what oneself as a child must do, what oneself as a child is allowed to do and what not and what consequences will await oneself as a child if it ever dare do what it was forbidden to do by it’s parents.

And because I was a child and as a child one is PHYSICALLY inferior to their parents, adults and older in regards to physical strength and size and because as a child one is dependent on their parents and because of the rights parents have in treating their children in the ways they see it as appropriate — and because of that as the way the system exist and accept parenting — onself as a child was powerless in doing anything against their parents and oneself was literally forced to abide to them, their rules and regulations.

And because of those childhood years, where I was inferior and powerless towards my parents, my father and adults in general because of the way the system exist in and as accepting parenting and the parent-child and adult-child relationships in this world, I picked that initial years of my life where I, because I was a child, was inferior and powerless against my parents and adults, I picked that inferiority and powerlessness up as being the evidence that I am indeed inferior to others and that others are superior to me and so much better then me, with me being really powerless and less then them. Instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that that inferiority and powerlessness in my childhood was not fact and truth and evidence and definition of my inferiority and others superiority over me, but that that inferiority and powerlessness was FORCED ONTO me to ACCEPT and BELIEVE in and pick up and DEFINE myself as and through it due to the ways the system function and is allowed to exist as in the relationship to parenting and the child-parent and child-adult and child-elder relationship.

And I also in and during my childhood years picked the belief up that I am not allowed to and do not have the permission to do certain things and express and live myself in certain ways because my father, my parents and other adults forbid me to and threatened me with fear in form of threatening me with consequences that will await me if I ever dare to do what they forbid me to or not do what they told me I must.

Not realizing that the child was FORCED into and MADE BELIEVE into it’s inferiority and powerlessness through the parents parenting and the worlds education system and through other adults. Where the inferiority and powerlessness was programmed and patterned into the child’s mind and body where the child’s mind and body would then later on from that stage use the pattern against the child itself to submit and force it into self-acceptance and compliance of and as inferiority and powerlessness. Not realizing that this shit is a pattern programmed and forced into the child in and during it’s childhood years by parents and adults and education and the world. And thus that the child is NOT REALLY inferior, less then or worthless but that it was FORCED into MAKING itself BELIVE and accept that it is.

The child was forced into accepting it’s own inferiority and powerlessness and worthlessness. That’s child abuse. That’s bullying. And the initial programming of the pattern of inferiority, powerlessness and worthlessness will result into the child being later bullied by its own mind and body as the mind and body is using it’s own programmed patterns to submit and force the child into acceptance and compliance of/to inferiority, powerlessness and worthlessness or whatever the pattern programmed into the child is. And in that moment the child’s life has become ruined for the rest of it’s life. Another potentially great and magnificent life has been destroyed through patterns patterned into the child through parents and adults and this world system.

And that’s also where I programmed/developed my fear of adults and authority figures, specifically.

Thus the FEAR that motivated and initiated the creation of the Inferiority Character is: The Fear of being bullied, teased, mocked, ridiculed, PUNISHED. Generally speaking the Fear of being VICTIMIZED due to instances of victimization as punishment taking place in my past, in my childhood years.

Lol. Now I got the Fucker !



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 16:06

Day 115 The Inferiority Character (Part 3)

Continuing with the point of: “What is the FEAR as motivation behind the creation and existence of the Self-Inferiority character” from Day 114 The Inferiority Character (Part 2):

I ended off with the following:

Thus the FEAR that motivated and initiated the creation of the Inferiority Character is: The Fear of being bullied, teased, mocked, ridiculed, PUNISHED. Generally speaking the Fear of being VICTIMIZED due to instances of victimization as punishment taking place in my past, in my childhood years.

Because what would happen in my childhood years is that if I would not obey to others rules, words and orders they would punish me in some way. And this punishment can be anything from actual physical violence like beating me up, or ridiculing me in front of others, or teasing and bullying me from there on. Thus where I would be victimized by and through others if I would not obey and follow the rules, words and orders of others, like my fathers or teachers. And so I would create a character as which I would become and act like a good boy and would try to please others and show respect to others, especially adults, and behave and act like I am inferior and less then and feel guilty and afraid and anxious if I would not obey to others orders, to try to get some mercy from the adults/others I failed to please, so that they would not punish/victimize me like I was victimized before or like I saw other children being punished and victimized if they failed to obey others/adults orders. Showing the adult or other that I am less then, worthless and that I can’t compare to their greatness and that they are much better and more then me. Just so I can prevent being punished or victimized ever again like before. Because what happened when I was punished or victimized before is that I would take it personally and be overwhelmed by my emotions and feelings and feel hopeless and helpless, like mesmerized, unable to move or do anything against it and would because of not understanding my inner experience of myself and not not knowing what I can do about it and not knowing how to deal with it, submit to my emotions and feelings, and take the event/punishment/victimization personally and define the totality of myself as being a bad and evil boy because my thoughts and backchat was reasoning with me that if I were a good boy I would be punished/victimized, so I must be bad and evil and deserve it. And the adults punishing/victimizing me would often say words like “You little” and then the judgment. And I would interpret their words of “You little” as that I am inferior and less then them because they call me little and also because I wasn’t able to really do much about being punished and victimized because I was a child and had no rights. So I had to accept it. And what I did was that I accepted and defined myself as inferior towards the adults or any other authoritative figure or any other being that would express and move in a way that I would not dare to express and move me in and as.

Like, this one moment with my family where we had visit from relatives and I was playing and jumping and exhilarated and in my exhilaration and expression I knocked something down, or I said something vulgar, and my dad slapped me immediately in front of relatives/others and I in that moment felt so ridiculed and victimized that I started to cry and suppressed myself totally and contracted me physically and I felt so ridiculed and small/inferior that I was ashamed and embarrassed to establish eye contact and show my face, but remained crying and totally physically contracted with my back to my relatives and my front to the wall so that they would not see me.

Another memory, is: I was in elementary school and we had physical education/gymnastics and I forgot my gym stuff and the teacher said “Well then you’ll have to do it in underwear” and all the other kids laughed and I felt so ridiculous/ridiculed, small/inferior and humiliated in that moment and during the entire gym session, always adjusting my tank-top so one would not see my underwear and I was already at that stage quite self-conscious. Obviously what I can see is that my self-consciousness developed through instances/moments in my past/childhood where I would be punished, ridiculed, teased, mocked = victimized. So I could check myself through an additional consciousness cross-referencing with my primary consciousness that I am presenting and behaving well in a way that will be socially acceptable and that others would not make fun of me, ridicule, mock, tease, punish and victimize me for.

“I was like this guy before, but then I discovered the art of not giving a fuck.”
— from a comment on YouTube video of a short film about being self-conscious

So, obviously I gave a fuck = valued what others said and thought about me. And so in fear of them saying or thinking anything bad/negative of me and thus something they could use against me to make fun of me, ridicule, mock, tease, bully, s punish and victimize me for I created the self-conscious character as an additional consciousness to make sure I am always ‘safe’ from ever again in my life being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, teased, bullied, punished and victimized like I have been before in my past/childhood.

Ok, this is a bit off the topic. So back to the Inferiority character:

And another memory is: My family and I were visiting relatives in our home country and I was in a room with my brother and cousins and we played there. My brother then went out to the toilet and I locked the door just for a giggle and my brother then went to my dad and my dad called me. I went to my dad and there were also other relatives and beings in the living room and my dad asked me why did I lock the door and before I could say something he slapped me in front of everyone else. I felt so ridiculous/ridiculed, humiliated and degraded and I felt so small, inferior and defenceless that I ran crying into another room because I felt so ashamed of myself and so humiliated and victimized in front of everyone and in front of my cousins.

So, I created the inferiority character to protect myself against being punished/victimized. The inferiority character is thus then a self-protection and self-defence character against punishment and victimization.

So, in the upcoming posts, I will walk the eradication and death process of this fucker (inferiority character) through Self-Forgiveness and then from there take it through to Self-Corrective statements and then from there to the Self-Corrective application/living to eradicate this fucker once and for all!

It’s enough ! I’ve allowed this character to exist in and as me for too long ! I decide ! I am the authority ! I am the self directive principle ! And I stop and eradicate this character from and as me !



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 12 Aug 2012, 18:20

Day 116 The Justification Character and the “I don’t want to do this” Character (Part 1)

My chest is closed up and my stomach is bloated, so let’s have a look at what is happening:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a closed up chest and a bloated stomach because I am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger which I try to suppress to not have to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of suppressing my anger causing physical discomfort, face the anger and the experience and see what it is and how I can correct it, thus face it immediately instead of suppressing it and putting it on ‘hold’ and make it a ‘problem in waiting’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am angry because I allowed me to be more ineffective then I am potentially able to within the last few days in relation to walking my day regarding process.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the reason for my anger being my acceptance and allowance to be guided by my thoughts and internal conversations as backchat to not face myself in each day to the utmost potential I am able to, and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see and understand the reason for my anger being my acceptance and allowance to give into characters and thoughts and backchat that came/come up in my mind and allow me to be directed by them to pursue my desires, wants and preferences of work and justify through the energy-experiences of feelings and emotions, that caused further physical body changes and experiences, why I am not sticking to my self-directive self-application and living but allowed me to be directed by my thoughts and backchat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I also experience fear and anxiety and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that together with anger, I experience fear and anxiety because I am aware of my acceptance and allowance to give into characters and my thoughts and backchat, justifying why I did/do not walk my day effectively with the time available, but allowed me to listen to my thoughts and backchat and characters tell me that the experience of resistance is to much for me to face, walk and breathe through and continue remaining self-directive breath by breath, and thus why I allowed me to use the resistance as justification why I did/do not walk certain points or do certain tasks effectively to the potential I am able to do and walk them.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my acceptance and allowance over the past few days in giving into and allowing my thoughts and backchat and characters to tell me what to do and tell me that it’s to hard and difficult to face, move and breathe through my resistances and discomforts I have with facing myself and doing my self-responsibility tasks, instead of remaining the self-authority and self-directive, continuing to walk my process and day effectively to the potential I am able to, breath-by-breath, till the day is over, not allowing and accepting my characters, thoughts and backchat to decide for me what to do in my day or a moment and what to think and experience and what and how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my acceptance and allowance over the past few days of allowing my mind as thoughts, backchat and characters to reign over me and for allowing them to tell me what to do and how and what to live in a moment instead of remaining self-directive, through the backchat “It’s okay”, “It’s no big deal”, “It happens” and “It ain’t that serious” — through those backchat making it ‘okay’ in my mind that I allowed characters to decide for me what and how to live instead of having remained the self-directive principle, walking breath-by-breath but instead allowed me to give into justifications why I am not walking my process and my days as effectively as I potentially could.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I experience anger, anxiety and fear because I am aware that I allowed myself to deliberately be self-dishonest by listening to and believing my thoughts, backchat as characters telling me in moments that it’s okay to postpone whatever I was doing in a moment and allowing them to direct me, instead of remaining the self-directive principle and face myself and walk my process and day breath-by-breath as effectively as I potentially can within the time available to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone digging into the material of my new Agreement Course lesson because I have thoughts and backchat telling me that it is tedious and will cause a lot of physical discomfort like it did before, because I have to face myself self-honestly in walking the course and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because I allowed myself to listen, believe and allow my thoughts and backchat to decide how I experience myself and what and how to live and do, allowed me to postpone and thus not read the lesson material of the Agreement Course and do my assignment. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and justify why I allowed myself to listen to my thoughts and backchat and postpone through backchat of “It’s okay”, “I’ll do it later”, “Let me do this and that first”, “I don’t feel like doing this right now, let me instead do that, it’s also important and needs to be done”.

Huh, my chest started opening up with the last self-forgiveness statement above! So, let’s dig deeper into it. What I can see is the Justification Character coming through. Let’s see if it’s indeed that character. Lol, now as I wrote about the justification character my chest opened up more and breathing becomes easier. Seems like the right direction, so let’s keep walking in this direction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications to make it seem okay why I allowed myself to postpone my duties in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I used justifications for why I allowed me to postpone my ‘duties’ as self-responsibility tasks in my process, like self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective-application, reading heaven’s and creation’s journey to life blogs, doing my DIP assignment and reading through the new lesson material of the AGR course and doing the rating and listening to EQAFE video interviews through various justifying backchat statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and try to hide from myself the fact that I used justifications why I allowed me to postpone my self-responsibility tasks and what I saw needed to be done in moments, immediately, but instead postponed it and made it okay/justified it in my mind in and through various backchat; trying to make myself believe that it’s okay what I did and that it’s nothing serious or ‘important’ or ‘to look at’/’face’, just so I do not have to deal with my self-dishonesties because that postponement allowed me to do more of what I desired, wanted and preferred doing more then my self-responsibility tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear and anxiety in relation to my awareness that I allowed myself to get away with using justifications to postpone my self-responsibility tasks, like self-forgiveness, and for being self-dishonest deliberately and then become angry at me because I suppress the fact that I am suppressing.

Justification Character:

Character components:

Thoughts:

Tedious

Picture of me doing something else more enjoyable in my eyes

Picture of me with a smile and happy expression doing other things, that I did in my past through which I felt good and happy

A black/dark/blank picture in relation to the task I am doing, where I am standing and looking in front of me at the task and seeing only black, dark and blankness in the future, being unable to see the point or how I will be able to do this or that (the task/point I am resisting to do)

A picture of me standing and looking forward to the task or point I am walking and I see only blackness, darkness and blankness. I am unable to see how I am supposed to walk the point or do the task. The task or point seems impossible and out of reach for me to do or walk because I see only black, dark and blank when I look forward to doing the task or walking the point.

A picture of me having a good time doing other things

Backchat:

“It’s okay”

“I’ll do it later”

“Let me do this and that first”

“I don’t feel like doing this right now, let me instead do that, it’s also important and needs to be done”.

“Oh god.. How am I going to do this..”

“I know it’s self-dishonest but..”

“Should I do it or not.. ?”

“It’s okay to do this later”

“Ah! It’s not a big deal, I will do it later/another time”

“Ah, Fuck it! Why shouldn’t it be okay to do this later anyway!”

“Why am I making such a big fuss out of it; I will just do it later and that’s it. I decide so !”

Energy reactions of/as emotions and feelings:

Resistance

Tiredness

Fear

Anxiety

Self-Judgment

Anger

Guilt

Relief

Happiness

Comfort

Physical body changes:

Chest closes up

Tense shoulders

Constricted breathing

Bloated stomach

Stomach hardens

Faster and deeper breathing

Nervousness (is this a physical experience or an energy experience?)

In upcoming posts I will continue with the identification of the character components:

First/Initial memory

Consequences

The Fear as Starting point of the character creation



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 17 Aug 2012, 14:39

Day 122 “Self-Forgiveness has to be difficult and complex” Character

Today on my way to a grocery I was feeling tired, I stopped for a moment and reflected on what backchat was going on in my mind that has slipped my attention and that I have tuned into already to the extent that I was no longer even aware of it’s presence in my mind. I looked at backchat specifically because I know and understand that any emotional/feeling/energy experience I have is fueled and generated by thought and backchat manifestations that come first and before the actual emotional/feeling/energy experience. So, I looked at the backchat and I started applying self-forgiveness silently within myself. And, oh gosh, what bizarre backchat lines I found that were existent and running in the background of my mind. I wouldn’t have conceived them even possible. I was so tuned into it, that the backchat seemed normal and just part of everyday life. So much so, that it was just cycling in my mind without me even hearing and noticing it; I accepted it to such an extent as part of everyday life and as just being normal, you know, I’ve always had it, so it must be normal I guess. And as I was applying my self-forgiveness line for line on each backchat that was most prominent in my mind at a particular moment, the emotional/feeling/energy experiences stopped and my physical behavior changed, I mean I was able to change my physical behavior with ease and align it back to simply being here as breath without stepping into characters and dressing up in personalities according to my environment and the people I would meet on my way to the grocery.

It was fascinating to observe how the lines and conversations that are existent in my head, in my mind, would influence, shape, determine and alter my actual physical behavior to such an extent that once I stopped to participate in and believe the backchat in my mind, my behavior and expression of myself during the presence of the backchat seemed so unnatural and robotic.

So, as I was stopping the backchat in my mind, line by line, backchat by backchat through self-forgiveness, I did things that I normally would be afraid, or ashamed to do and would just leave it. So, that proved once again how my backchat and my allowance to participate in and believe my backchat, determines my total behavior and self-experience in a moment.

I pretty much applied self-forgiveness the whole time on my way to the grocery and on my way back home from grocery. On my way back home I noticed a resistance towards continuing to apply the self-forgiveness when backchat would come up in me that would come up here and there. And what I found is another character behind this. I found that I have created a “Self-Forgiveness has to be difficult and complex” character. This character has created an idea within it’s mind that the application of self-forgiveness is difficult and complex and that the sentence structure must be made complex. That I must THINK ABOUT what words to use and how to structure the very line of self-forgiveness. Instead of simply applying the self-forgiveness and having the self-forgiveness line structure be simply as-is based on the point that I am applying the self-forgiveness on. There is NO thinking about what to apply self-forgiveness on or envisioning how the self-forgiveness line/sentence must look and sound like. It’s a simply application done in self-honesty, where I simply apply the self-forgiveness self-honestly on the point I am applying it on. And that’s it. There is NO thinking involved. It’s a physical self-movement and application. It’s not thought-based. It’s simply done.

And that’s where my resistance would kick in, because I would think and have backchat that the self-forgiveness will be difficult to apply because I first have to think very hard about what to apply it on and how it should sound to apparently be effective, real and self-honest. Trying to make my self-forgiveness sound self-honest. Instead of BEING self-honest.

And when I forgave this character and stopped participating and believing in it and allowing it to direct me and live-for me, I realized that the self-forgiveness is actually pretty simple to apply when I apply it in self-honesty in relation to the information/point I am applying it on, like on a backchat, where I would simply apply self-forgiveness on the content, structure and nature of the very backchat line itself as-is, as it exist in my mind. Without trying to make something more out of it by adding more words and structures to the backchat line, modifying the backchat line, making another backchat line up, instead of taking the backchat line as-is, as it exist here in my mind, with the exact words and structure it consist of and exist as.

Also, another point I find with this character, is that I developed a resistance and discomfort applying self-forgiveness because I have this idea and expectations that I will release the whole point with just ONE single line of self-forgiveness. So I think, and I think hard about HOW to structure my self-forgiveness line to have all the points in it, so that when I apply it or speak it the whole point will be released and stopped. Instead of realizing that it’s a GRADUAL process in physical space time, where I do self-forgiveness line by self-forgiveness line, one self-forgiveness line at a time, till I get all the dimensions/sub-points of a point and release the whole point through the accumulation of the individual single lines of/as self-forgiveness. Thus to realize that the release of a point is done through the ACCUMULATION of individual, single lines of/as self-forgiveness, applied one after the other, only one at a time. So, this is then another character. The “Self-Forgiveness doesn’t work” Character and the “ONE single line of self-forgiveness must be enough to transcend, stop and release a point, pattern and construct” Character.

But first, let’s have a look at the:

“Self-Forgiveness has to be difficult and complex” Character

and it’s Character components:

Thoughts:

A picture of complexity, of chaos and a mess. Also seeing a blankness when I look at the point I have to apply self-forgiveness on because I can’t see past the complex, chaotic and messy structure I see in front of me when I look at having to apply self-forgiveness on a point.
Backchat:

“How am I going to do this? It will be a difficult thing”

“I don’t know where to start, I can not see how to begin my self-forgiveness”

“I’m sure if I apply it like this, it will not be right, I am missing the point.. So I have to first find out how to apply it”

“No, no, no ! It doesn’t sound right if I apply it like that. It must be different.”

“It’s so complex dammit !”

“Fuck this shit, it’s to complex, I can’t see the point, I can’t see what fucking words to use and how to structure the sentence to sound right”

“Arrrrrgh !!! It’s so damn hard”

“Fuck it, it’s not important, it’s not a big deal anyway. I will do it another time. Let’s see if this point would come up ever again and if it does THEN I will deal with it”

“Man, fuck this ! I can stop and transcend this point by myself without having to apply self-forgiveness”

“Fuck this shit, man ! I’ll try to stop it without self-forgiveness. I think I can do that. If not, if it comes up again THEN I will apply self-forgiveness” (But I don’t, I just use the same backchat again, looping and so never doing the self-forgiveness until real consequences manifest and I am forced by the consequences to finally investigate the point in and through self-forgiveness)

“Man it’s not working. I applied this line of self-forgiveness and the point is still here. It keeps recurring. Fuck this shit, it’s to tedious to do now. I don’t need self-forgiveness, I can stop the point by myself alone” (And then I think and believe that I have stopped the point and it’s influence on me just by saying that and so I don’t see the requirement for self-forgiveness at all)

Reactions (Emotions and Feelings):

Frustration

Agitated

Confused

Upset

Self-Judgment

Guilt

Hopelessness

The feeling of wanting to give up

A feeling of Relief

Physical body changes:

Tension in the chest, shoulder, arms, forearms, hands, fingers, legs, calves, thighs, buttocks, toes, feet, cheeks, ears, forehead

Heavy breathing

Constricted breathing

Clenching of the hands to a fist

Tensing up

*******************

In upcoming posts to continue with the character dimensions:

First/initial memory

The point of Fear

Consequences

Imagination and Fantasizing



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 20 Aug 2012, 08:14

Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character

I’m hitting a period/time frame again where I have circulating thoughts and backchat in my mind telling me to skip some of my responsibility tasks, like self-forgiveness, push it up a little bit in time, postpone it for a while, and allow me to do what I feel I desire to do in a moment, like for example watch a nice series on TV.

Like now, I have thoughts and backchat in my mind telling me that it’s okay to skip and postpone my self-forgiveness and my day to day process responsibilities because I’ve been working my ass of the last months and have been very disciplined in sticking to it. The backchat tells me that it’s okay to, you know, just do nothing but listen to music and enjoy the beats, because I like it.

Backchat: “It’s okay if I listen to music for another hour or so, The Self-Forgiveness and the rest of my process responsibilities has time. It is so early in the day and I have still got a lot of time to do these tasks during this day. So, it’s okay if I just listen for another or two hours to music or even watch a nice series. Hey how about this and that series? Do you remember how funny this series is and the good times and all-happy and all-good feelings you had watching it? Go for it, it’s really okay. You can do the self-forgiveness and the rest of the process tasks later. Don’t feel guilty to give yourself some fun-time !”

Though, the ‘funny’ thing is that I can see the consequences of this pattern, because I clearly know that if I give in and act upon what my thoughts and backchat tell me, like above, that I will have to face this pattern inevitably. But I suppress my awareness of the consequences, because I have other backchat that talks me out of what I see as the consequences, telling me that I am wrong and just worried and have made the consequences up out of fear and guilt:

Backchat:

“Nah, man, it’s not like that. It won’t be like that, you are making things up !”

“No. The consequence probably isn’t this and that, I’m just making things up.”

“I don’t care if the consequence is that, I want to do this. Besides, it probably isn’t.. Yeah, it isn’t, I’m positive in that. So, let’s do it !” (Thinking that the consequence is not what I can clearly see it to be, just because I decided that it is not. Just because I want to do the more-fun things that my thoughts and backchat is offering me to do instead of my self-forgiveness and process responsibilities.)

“Dude, fuck it, just do what you want and prefer now and deal with the pattern and consequence later. Just one more time ! Come on ! Do it ! It’s fun and you will feel good, do you remember?”

“It’s the last time, come on. Give yourself the freedom. Do it once more and then after it deal with the pattern and then don’t do it ever again. But, just this one more time, come one, it’s no big deal. No one will be harmed.”

But, when I don’t suppress my awareness and understanding of what I see the consequences to be, I can clearly see that if I give into it that I will spiral into the pattern. I will go into it and accept and allow it more and more till it becomes my everyday life-style again, like before. And I can clearly draw the consequence from my past. I can clearly see and learn from my past that whenever I allowed this pattern to slip my attention and give into it, that I would just re-create my old patterns. And this has also caused me to abstain from process for almost 2 years, from somewhere around November 2010 till somewhere around March 2012.

I can see a pattern here that would emerge at specific intervals, in specific time-frames, over and over again. Like a time comes where I have these same thoughts and backchat and experiences, like I described above. Where I don’t want anymore, it’s to tough, I don’t have any spare time to do the things I enjoy and love, I am bound to only the process responsibility tasks, like self-forgiveness, I feel like a slave, enslaved and doomed to doing the process responsibility tasks only. I don’t want. I want the fun-times, the good-times I had in my past. With watching TV, watching the comedy sitcoms like King of Queens, Married with Children, Family Matters, Full House. I want to play games again, like GTA San Andreas. Those were good times in my life. I felt really good and happy doing these things, watching these series, playing these games. I want that good times in my life back again.

So, I have been subtly, very subtly in the process of transferring and re-aligning myself and my life to my past, to my memories back again, with very little things like: I would everyday allow me and justify more and more time to spend on things I enjoy and prefer more like in the old days and why I am postponing and not wanting to do self-forgiveness and my process responsibility tasks. Though, it hasn’t moved to extremes, it has only been in the last 3 or 4 days. But I have noticed it, but I have justified it with and through my backchat that it’s nothing and no big deal and I just have to stop thinking about it and don’t need to investigate it in and through Self-forgiveness:

Backchat:

“It’s nothing. Forget it. Just don’t bother about it. It will dissolve by itself. You won’t fall for it buddy.”

“Nah, it’s no big deal. Just forget about it. It will all take care of itself. Don’t you worry or bother about investigating it any further and applying self-forgiveness on it. It’s really nothing to rack your brain about it.”

“No, it won’t affect me. It does not have power over me and will not drag me back into accepting and allowing it in me and my life. So, I don’t need to investigate it further and I don’t need to do self-forgiveness on it. It would be a waste of time. Let’s just ‘correct’ it and continue doing this and that instead.” (But I haven’t walked the self-forgiveness in the first place ever. So, I try to correct something and change something without knowing how and what it is I need to change. Trying to change myself blindly. Which is but another excuse to not do the self-forgiveness because I actually want to go back to that pattern and re-create and re-live my past because I was free to do whatever I wanted, regardless if self-interest or not, who gave a fuck back then, there was no morality as awareness in me of consequence for others, I was free in my ignorance, my ignorance was bliss, so I want those times back in my life right now. I want the bliss of ignorance again. Because I want my the freedom to pursue my self-interest and personal happiness and feel-goodness back again. Screw this self-honesty bullshit. Since I found it I had to DEAL with my problems DIRECTLY. I don’t want to DEAL with my problems DIRECTLY. I want an EASY way out. I want to feel good. I want my life to be easy. I don’t want to do the WORK myself. I want others to do it FOR me. My life has become a constant movement of myself, a constant ‘doing something’, there is no spare-time to just chill and give a fuck about everything and everyone else if I don’t feel like doing something, if I just feel negative and just pursue to feel good and happy by doing whatever the fuck it is I feel and want to do in such times. I now just feel so monotonous every day, with all the self-movement and doing the same things each day, doing the self-forgiveness each day, reading the blogs each day, listening to interviews each day, rating and voting each day, doing this and that each day. And when I don’t feel like doing it because I don’t feel motivated energetically (emotionally-, feeling and though-based) I can not just skip it and go and do whatever it is I prefer and want to do instead in that moment because I now have this self-honesty thing going on that will make me just feel totally fucked-up and screwed if I would skip it and not listen to my self-honesty but do whatever it is I feel like doing more at that moments.): That’s the internal conversation (backchat) going on in me.

And this pattern NEEDS to be dealt with, because I have noticed that I have started to ‘spiral out’ of my current alignment and ‘spiral’ back ‘into’ the old patterns, to re-create my ‘lovely’ past of all the good-times and ‘I feel happy’ energy experience moments I had through doing specific things, like described above. But, I’ve been trying to suppress my awareness and my ‘noticing’ that I am in the process of re-aligning myself, going back to and re-creating my old patterns, re-creating my past to re-live the good-, happy- and easy times. Where everything was much simpler because if I had a problem, an experience I didn’t like in me I would suppress it with creating positive feelings through doing things that would create such feelings in me, like described above, with the watching Tv and playing games, just as examples.

So, what this revels is: I still have desires, wants and ‘needs’ that I hold onto of pursuing personal happiness and fulfillment, regardless if it’s compromising other lives or not. I want to have and manifest/materialize what I desire and want to have.

So this pattern, is the fucker that has caused me many many many times in my process to ‘give up’ and ‘move back’ to my past and old life. Which has eventually lead to an almost 2 year time period of trying to go back to my old life and trying to re-create and re-live my old life, my past, the ‘old good times’ before I gladly, eventually ‘moved back’ to walk my process actively with and as the Desteni group.

So, this is the pattern that screwed me. So I definitely need to take it on and not skip it like my backchat is suggesting to me to do because it says that it’s ‘nothing’, ‘not big deal’ and will ‘take care of itself’, will ‘sort itself out’: Bullshit ! Just another excuse to justify to not take the pattern on and assimilate it because the very nature of the backchat is to protect the pattern from being investigated. So what is it that the backchat protects in and of this pattern and does not want me to see? What is the pattern trying to maintain and sustain?

To not give up my past, my ‘good old times’, my desires, wants, ‘needs’; my pursuing of personal happiness and fulfillment, my ‘dreams’. It’s trying to maintain and sustain my existence, self-acceptance and self-allowance of pursuing my and existing in and as self-interest. To not move COMPLETELY into Equality and Oneness, aligning myself ENTIERELY to what’s best for all. To not GIVE UP this one LIFE, my desires, wants and ‘needs’ for this ONE LIFE for this PROCESS, for LIFE, for EQUALY and ONENESS, for WHAT’s BEST FOR ALL. With NO self-interest left whatsoever. A TOTAL dedication to Self as Life of/as Oneness and Equality. But why? Isn’t such a life and lifestyle and beingness that’s best for all, also best for me? So, why the protection of the self-interest then? I don’t see the point at ALL! It makes no damn sense what my backchat is telling me and trying to do in protecting my self-interest to not move into equality and oneness, existing as what’s best for all! It’s BULLSHIT! And I won’t listen to and believe the damn fucker because ‘I’ can PHYSICALLY see that what’s best for all is what’s best for me also. I can PYSICALLY see that my backchat, my thoughts, my patterns are LIMITED, are LIMITING me, are COMPROMISING me, are BULLYING me, are VICTIMIZING me and are SUPPRESSING me as a being. Who, what and how the fuck can justify, tolerate, allow and be ‘okay’ with such self-diminishing patterns and systems? It all makes NO sense when you stop believing in the fairytale bullshit your own thoughts and backchat tell you. It makes no sense anymore once you see beyond the thoughts and backchat that try to make sense out of what they are telling you. Bullshit! It makes NO sense at all. It only makes sense because multiple backchat lines and thoughts work together to make sense of each other, making me believe in their ‘sense making’ arguments and processes of communication. Bullshit. Stop the backchat and there’s No sense at all.

To be continued.



Dilan
Posts: 650
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 18:48

Re: Aldin's Writings

Postby Dilan » 20 Aug 2012, 10:23

Day 125 The “Back to the Past” Pattern (Part 2): Validating my decison to give-up

Note: At the end of my self-forgiveness I realized that this is part of the pattern identified in Day 123 The “Back to the Past” Timeframe-Pattern (Part 1): “Fuck this process shit, I want my old life back!” Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sluggish and watch aimless shit on YouTube and on TV, where I myself even don’t know what I should watch as nothing turn me on anymore, but do it anyway because it’s much better then moving, facing and applying myself in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to the thought and backchat I had telling me to watch TV, take some rest from my everyday process routine and have some fun by watching TV and videos on YouTube I’d like to watch because I can and will resume taking self-responsibility again tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I had the backchat “I have been doing the same things everyday for some months now. I can take some rest from it. At least one day. One day won’t hurt me and I will continue with my responsibilities and process walking tomorrow again. It’s okay.” accepted it and allowed myself to believe in the bullshit it was chatting about in my mind, instead of having self-directed myself in that moment and realized that prior to that backchat I’ve had thoughts that showed tedious work if I were to do my everyday things again and pictures showing things I did in the past, through which I felt good doing these and I decided to pursue the good feeling my thoughts were offering me and to get away from the bad feeling that I would get if I were again do the same things I do every day for months now; my process walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue being lazy and postponing, sitting on the couch in the most sluggish and lazy position, starring at videos on YouTube I don’t even really want to watch, and thinking about what to do on the Internet because I can’t find anything purposeful to do on it; to continue doing that despite all the backchat and guilt I experience because I am aware that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and justifying and despite all the self-judgement going on in my mind because of my self-awareness that I am deliberately abdicating my authority and directive will power.

And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress the backchat, guilt and self-judgement going on in my mind in a constant continuous loop because of being aware of my deliberateness in my self-dishonesty, and try to make my self-dishonest participation ‘okay’ in my mind, just so I could continue postponing taking and living self-responsibility and facing myself by and through walking my process daily to the utmost potential that I’m able to.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing what I ‘like’ and prefer more then walking my process, is in fact no ‘fun’ experience with all the backchat, guilt and self-judgement that I experience continuously, which comes from my self-awareness and understanding that I am deliberately being self-dishonest and despite of that self-awareness continue with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been digging a hole instead of immediately standing up and ending the self-dishonesty participation once I saw and realized what I was doing; but because I judged me and feared to stand up again, I continued with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for finding myself deliberately participating in self-dishonesty and justifying it for an extended period of time, because of the fear that I fucked it ALL up, once again, and had the backchat “I will never get it because once again, I idiot fucked up, in FULL damn awareness and deliberateness of my doing.” and in that accepted the backchat as me and allowed myself to feel discouraged and wanted to give up because I had thoughts telling/showing me that to continue with my process again is to no avail because I have to start ALL over again and won’t ever get it because I still fucked up after all this work of self-forgiveness and writing I did, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that once again this event showed and revealed the existence of existent backdoors within me that were still existent in my mind and of which I made use of, and that I need to delete these backdoors, and that now I got the perfect opportunity for since they have been reveled. So, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that no self-judgement and self-diminishment and self-victimization is necessary, but immediate self-correction to remove the backdoors one by one the moment they get revealed.

Backchat I had:

“Oh no… I fucked up again… I cannot simply stand up and continue with my process as if nothing has happened…”

“Damn it… It’s to no avail… My corrective statement, my self-forgiveness, my writing, my process so far… Nothing changed… I still fucked up at the same damn points… No amount of self-will I so believed and was ‘certain’ that I had achieved prevented this from happening… What should I do.. I am so hopeless…”

“Now that I fucked up and am in that pattern, I might as well stay in it and just continue doing what I started. I mean, I screwed up anyway”

“Oh no… I don’t want to… It’s going to be so hard and difficult… I have do re-walk everything again… I just can’t do that… It’s just too much for me… Let me just continue with what I am doing since I already screwed up”

“I know that I can stop immediately and just continue with my process, but it feels so impossible to do now since I fucked up…”

“Just one more minute and I will stand up and forgive what I did and continue with my process”

“Yeah, I see what I am doing and how to stop it and that I CAN stop it, but I don’t want to now, since I already screwed up let me continue for today and I will do the forgiveness later or tomorrow”

“Man, I enjoy this so much. Let me just continue for today. Yes, I see what I am doing and that it’s self-dishonest but since I already screwed up and continued with it for so long, let’s just continue with it for this entire day and I will face me later with and through self-forgiveness and stop this pattern/character/point”

“I actually want to do this right now, so after I do this I might stop and just stand up and continue with my process walking, but for now, I REALLY want to watch this video right now because I am eagerly interested in it and I think it’s valuable information”

“If you do this it’s going to be fun, do you remember? And since you screwed up already why not just continue a little bit longer with it. I mean it can’t get any worse from here on”

“How am I going to stand up again after I screwed up and continued with it for so long already..?”

“I know it’s not right, but I can’t just stand up. I just can’t.. I fucked up already for so long.. There’s no way I can do that.. I might as well continue a little longer. Maybe it will get easier” (I hope that it will be easier to stand-up and change myself later like I saw me change and stop so easily in my thoughts where I projected the moment of change and standing up into the future and it went so easily and fluently in my thoughts)

Bernard Poolman: “Understand that self change is a decision that must be walked each breath for 7 years to have stability that is trustworthy.”

Bernard Poolman: “In this one walk the change into the physical as the living breathing pattern.”

Bernard Poolman: “The sooner one stick to consistency–the quicker this will be done”




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