I’ve spent some time today reopening the point of feelings, and specifically the point of feelings on weed, which gives me a very interesting perspective.
Firstly it does not matter that the feelings I experienced while on weed were during a period of intoxication as being “high”. This doesn’t matter in addressing points I experience while I used to get high. The fact that I was high makes no difference because It’s sill me still my participation I’m only being shown how fragile my system really is so that I can be so easy broken simply by taking in chemicals.
Even though getting high is a very interesting perspective, it is not a preferable perspective, as in I’d prefer to be boring old mat who may be less interesting then matt taking chemicals because there’s no support while on those chemicals me ingesting chemicals as weed as cigarettes was me taking advantage of myself because I couldn’t really move myself I couldn’t direct myself on drugs I couldn’t direct myself in normal living day by day how could I throw drugs into the mix and come out fine.
So I’m looking at feelings, feelings are constant I constantly feel something but the feeling is also showing me I’m not standing equal to myself, It’s not that I don’t enjoy having no feelings meaning I don’t enjoy myself I don’t enjoy myself feeling with or with out feeling because we are broken systems as humans we haven’t token care of who we are so we face the consequences as not enjoying things to the fullest possibility.
Now, how can I enjoy feelings without compromising myself? How can I enjoy feelings while remaning equal as directing the feelings as supporting myself? Feelings imply separation feelings therefore can be supportive feelings aren’t bad.
Now forcing feelings onto myself while using drugs wasn’t fun, but I did it, and people will continue to do it until self is established as self directing self not to do something that makes life suffer.
So If I can direct pain, then I direct it to support myself and I’ll enjoy it which sounds absurd enjoying pain usually thought of as a fetish as something weird strange bad. It is possible to not only enjoy the feelings we experience but direct them so they won’t grow into worse consequences as pain and suffering, but in reaming directive standing equal to feelings we can direct them, I can direct pain, I can direct orgasm as equal to me so nothing will get “out of hand” I won’t “blow my load” as consceiecesness system.
When I first starting looking at the weed feeling point I felt the same misery as I felt when I did it because I only a few times enjoyed myself on pot, marijuana. Yet I continued to participate in it which made no sense. But because I have written two separate times to day I have two separate perspectives so bring up the perspective from earlier now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to participate in the feelings of uncomfortable misery as suffering when thinking about my experiences with abuse in drugs.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider the possibility that I could have directed myself one and equal to the drugs as I experiences them as during my high over the extended period of time I tried drugs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself as responding to a chemical instead of realizing all is equal to me and if I am placed in a situation where I must stand equal and direct myself as chemical then I do so as support to myself and life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a drug or chemical which makes me suffer and experience myself in terrible ways I could have self honestly realized I was not prepared for when no body would make me do it but myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking drugs as a “good idea”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define something like taking chemicals into my systems when I’m already messy, a good idea when I have nothing to back up that reasoning except that other people are doing it.
Now the feelings involved in the drug intake are very very strange so I keep it at a simple level, as self honesty I realize these points are practical and easy to work with good starting points to write about and expanding on feelings will come in time as I grow more aware of myself and what I’ve placed myself into as my living experience. Also I realize I must push myself no matter what to expand and cannot rely on time without standing equal to moving myself as the test of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a system simply because everyone else is doing it even to a point where I take drugs all alone and don’t even speak about it with others because I’ve set in my mind so deeply that it’s a good idea when really I hate it I hated it, I’m not thinking about this I’m simply expressing I fucking hated it I put myself into situations that made me very unclear very disorientated experiences I don’t feel anyone would prefer and I hated that I hated myself for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never before having self honestly addressed the fact that I’ve hated myself for doing drugs and I’ve hated the experience of drugs as I allowed myself to be blinded from the self honesty needed to face what I directly participated in.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand equal to feelings as directing them as standing equal to them and not just settling for the idea that I do or don’t like them, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself as equal to the feelings in my world so that I can direct myself and support myself from the position of feelings.
Because I’ve pushed myself to open up some interesting points and I don’t want to fuck myself over with consequence I in self awareness make the decision to leave things as they are as realizing I’ve pushed myself in new ways, and that I can always come back to continue to expand after giving myself time in-between.
I commit myself to in each breathe face myself as each feeling I experience in my world and stand equal to it as using it to direct myself and my world as one and equal to myself.
I commit myself to not only directing feelings but having no fear in facing myself as enjoying feelings and enjoying supporting myself as realizing different feelings while I direct myself as a form of self expansion as expanding myself direction and self support from the position of equal to feelings.
I realize I’m not a crazy radical who hates things that are of mind, I simply realize the actuality of feelings in my world and will attempt to in each breathe stand equal to feelings so I can support myself with feelings, and in the end I allow myself to enjoy feelings as not suppressing them no matter what.
I realize this opens up a new point, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from the position of feelings as separate from me, as I realize when I defined myself as feelings if I were to feel bad I would then suppress myself. So I realize I’m not the feeling so the suppression of feeling was really the feelings showing me how I suppress myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate feelings by defining myself by them.
To place in a few specific living points because I realize what I’m talking about includes specific points as specific feelings in my world.
I commit myself to, when and as I experience myself defining myself by a feeling stop breathe and in this breathe as self direction I realize the feeling is not who I am so I direct myself to be supported in stopping the definition of myself being a feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived the statement I feel good, or I’m doing good when I feel good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the other when I lived the statement experience/feeling of I feel bad, or I’m doing bad today.
I realize this is only polarity and that who I am does not express as radical unpredictable feelings.
When and as I realize I’m defining myself as good or bad based in feelings I stop I breathe and In that single breathe I immediately stop participation in the idea or belief because in breathe I am already realized as not existing as idea or belief so from there I simply must direct the point to establish myself as my commitment as stopping the overall abuse of feelings.
So specifically if a thought comes up where I think to myself this is a good day I feel good or the opposite that’s me define feeling, I stop breathe establish myself immediately and direct.
If and experience comes up in my mind and I can Cleary see that my expience of myself is based off a feeling that I’m having in a moment I realize this is not preferable as life, I stop breathe direct.
As I’ve commitment myself to in each breathe realizing myself one and equal to feelings in the living of this point feelings will become lesser and larger as they are able to surface less and when they do I am faced with more responsibility as having to deal with larger points in my world so then my specific commitments will be better lived because with bigger feelings it’s clear when I need to direct a specific point.
You cannot tell a starving child that his suffering is just feelings and not real, that’s bullshit, true or not is irrelevant a child who’s suffering can by no means comprehend the spiritual idealism as feelings not being who we are, I do not settle for ideas as I write I settle as establishing a system which is best for all where no child is left to comprehend something all alone while he starves in a third world country.