I'm going to write out and examinate my need for acceptance as a form of abuse and how it developed into other forms of abuse within the system.
When I was young I put all my love and trust into my mother. She and my father were all that I knew so I trusted them unconditionally. I was totally dependant on my father and especially my mother(because she was a stay at home mom)
As I went through elementary school things were simple as first, go to school come home and do whatever it didn't matter life is very simple that way when you're young, but I started to develop abuse later on in school.
As I reached I would say the 2nd-3rd grade I can remember I started to develop a curiosity as I started to reach into the real world and started to stray away from the protection of my parents. The realtionship between me and my mother was no longer enough substance. I had become dependant on what I would call the approval of my mother, but now that I was meeting people in school I found the need to be accepted by other people.
I saw that it was important to be accepted by friends, and for a while this was fine, maybe I would try to hard to be funny at times and I might get laughed at witch was embarasing but not terrible. Problems began in 5th-6th grade.
The problem was that I was trying to make friends because I wanted to be loved/accepted, but my friends did not make me happy to hang or talk to, I was always just trying to be important/accepted. In the 5th-6th grade my friends broke my trust by being mean and hurting me witch broke my defenition of friendship and made me very angry because I felt wronged by them. I only had my mom left because I still had trust taped to her, but because I trusted my mom as well as my friends I blamed my mom just as much as I blamed my friends, and because I was not at risk of losing my mom I took much of my anger out on her which resulted in many angry fits between us for stupid things(I never adressed the underlying cause of my anger with her so I would usually just get agitated over trival things)
I continued to seek acceptance from my friends but never truely found any and what I did find didn't last long and certainly didn't make me happy/satisfied. This lead to me developing a sence of helplessness because I had developed an abuse of energy through acceptance and it was failing me.
I was coming of age where I noticed girls more so I started to add my need of acceptance onto girls. I thought a girlfriends acceptance would complete this fucking void I had created and could not fill. This started the whole fairytale non sence era for me when I dreamt of my crush liking me, and you know it's just like me trying to find the anser to this emptiness I had created inside myself without ever taking responsabitiy of just how it formed to begin with. Instead of taking responsability I waited for a girlfriend to come and make every single little problem of mine better(never happened and I don't expect it ever will)
Now the abuse starts to branch because I connected finding a girl friend to being beautiful, and so I started to add me wanting to be beautiful to my fairy tale of deception.(The problem with beauty is that it's abusive in the sence that it empowers some and disempowers other, and its totally based off of bull shit prefrences)
So at this point I have allowed myself to become reliant on beauty, girl friends, and friends to come and fix the hole I had created because I didn't have these things to begin with. It's kind of like me chasing my tail because even if I had any of these things I wouldn't be satisfied, but I never got close enough to recognising this to want to change my impossible quest to completion.
I have no specefic place in time to put these things but I'll also mention that I looked for completion within the realtionships between me and my cousins, aunts, and other family, as well as even through animals(I can't explain how I expected in animal to do, but I was just looking for any form of feeling special, like maybe me making a friend with a coyote out in the desert by my home) Also as I began to come of age I started seeking sex as an ultimate form of me being special and accepted, and this lead to me being more rude to women when I was in middle school because I guess I had that If I were a dick/mean then that's how to win a girl.
When I got to the last grade of middle school and later on until my more recent years of high school I saw less of individual realtionships and I just wanted to be on the top of the social pyramid. I didn't care so much of who my friends were, but more so where they stood on the social pyramid and where they could take me.
SO the combination of how secretive drugs had been labled and with me thinking It would lead to populatiry I began taking diffrent drugs, and was even loosely hooked on cigurettes at one point(I point this out to show how my need for acceptance lead me into drugs, I've already applied personal forgiveness for the use of drugs as an excuse to not accept what I've created and no longer partake in any form of drug substance)
I even found solace in just totally seperating myself from people and trying spirituality, but that was a short run and most of my spirituality ended up me trying to be important. I would analize people so I could know exactly how to act and how to make myself accepted by the person, and this lead to me seeing spirit animals in people, as a way for me to like have power over people by me like knowing more about them then they do- IF I could'nt appear important to others I guess I tried to appear more important to myself by thinking I was some form of physic who could read into peoples personalities.
So now that I'm at the point of trying to be more powerful then anyone else it's not even me looking for acceptance by other people, but more so just me trying to fill this hole of needing that I'd created whithin myself.
I'll metion also that because of how I cared so much about what people thought because of wanting to be accepted I developed a fear of rejection and still have some social nervousness at times. AS it shows the polarity of me seeking love through acceptance, It was occumponied by me fearing rejection through judgement. So I'm going to forgive myself for allowing both within myself.
^^^So this covers the entire consept, and I covered mutiple examples of how what began as me wnating to be accepted branched off into more and more serious forms of abuse. It's clear that what I did was seperating me from myself and was not taking self responsability, so this is where I stand to change what happened as so I don't allow this abuse to cycle and grow larger. There's no way to deny that what I spoke of was not standing for equality and prevented me from being here as breath, so I'm going to try and cover all of this with self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for allowing myself to depend on my mother
-for not taking responsabililty for my own life chooises
-for blaming my mother
-for placing trust on others instead of embrasing self trust
-for relying on others to complete me
-for allowing myself to be angry when my trust was broken
-for taking my anger out on my mother
-for blaming my mother that my trust was broken
-for not taking responsability as self trust
-for seeking acceptance through friends
-for seeking acceptance through beauty
-for accepting myself to exsist in the beauty/ugly construct because I wanted more then others
-for wanting better looks then others
-for not seeing others as deserving equal looks to me
-for me wanting a gf to complete me
-for me not taking responsability for myself and thinking that I could be saved by a girl
-for thinking that sex would fill my gap/complete me
-for thinking I need any energy from the mind to complete me
-for judging sex as something that completes people
-for not recognising that sex is just a physical act of expression
-for abusing sex by judging it
-for abusing realtionships by judging them as something that can complete me
-for abusing animals by judging them as just tools to make me feel worth more
-for wanting power over others
-for thinking that anyone deserves more then others
-for not being here as breath and instead trying to satisfy the needs I've created within my mindconsciousness
-for blindly acting out on the need to fill myself within the energy trap I had created
-for abusing myself in the sence that I made myself feel incomplete
-for using freinds as tools to make me important
-for fearing judgement of friends because I want to be important
-for wanting to be loved by friends because I want to be accepted/important
-for fearing being able to express myself
-for fearing that I will be judged if I express myself
-for limiting my self expression in any given moment by existing as fear of judgement
-for judging others out of hate of others judging me
-for thinking I'm better then others when I judge them
-for self judging myself because of what others judge me as
-for using "spirit animals" as a tool to give me more power over others
-for not taking self responsability and relying on others to tell me how to view/judge myself
-for thinking that what some people think of me is worth more then what others do
-for thinking that what other people think of me has any affect on me at all(it's my chooise to let me make it affect me through myself as judgement/self shame)
-for thinking that people who are older then me can make me more accepted/judged
-for not seeing authority as equal and thinking that authority has more power over me
-for accepting and allowing myself to exsist within the power structure
-for fearing denial by another person in a realtionship
-for manipulating myself and making myself conform to acting in a way that will impress another
-for fearing being put on the spot when another person judges me
-for lying to gain power over another
-for lying as a form to manipulate my realtionships
-for fearing any other human being
-for fearing that another human may have more power over me
-for not treating all as equal and fearing some, but not others
-for fearing people who might compromise my position and role
-for placing attachment on my role in society
-for allowing myself to see people in diffrent societal roles of importance and not seeing all as equal as here on earth
just remembered to mention how I've been doing my last posts less out of the need to be accepted by desteni/ on the forum and how I'm not going to post just to add material to my personal identity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be part of a "group" to complete myself
-for not taking responability for my self forgiveness and posting based off the abusive point of wanting to be vaild among desteni(basically neglecting the point of desteni)
-for thinking that desteni hold any more value then anyone else
-for fearing judgement by destonians
-for not seeing the people at desteni as equal to me
-for not taking self responsability and looking to desteni for how to view myself
-for contradicting why I'm here