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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 08 Oct 2011, 18:28

So I've been too broad in my last few posts for me to actually be able to apply them as myself to live out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use self honesty to evaluate my self forgiveness thoroughly.
On another note I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize the necesity of being as specific as possible.

While blogging here on the forum and doing my own personal writting, I began to break down many little strips of myself that I choose to take responsabillity for, but I went from breaking down a few little strings to taking chunks out of the ball that is my personal mind system. That's not being very effective for me so what I will do now is be more proportional. I'll take down every single little strand I possibly can find and manage before moving on to the more broad statements that I've made and was not capable of backing up as myself and what I stand for.

Although this post in itself is realatively small compared to my more specefic self forgiveness writting, It serves the purpose that it needs for the problem at hand.

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Marlen » 09 Oct 2011, 03:37

Hi Matt - see that it is not a problem unless we make it so -

As you go writing it all out you'll simply see that there might be too many points opening up so you can take the most prominent point in that moment and focus on opening up what is existent within that single point - everything is eventually intertwined as we are networks of information literally, so there can't be a specific order to it.

The point of specificity is a single thing you can take into consideration when writing so that you make sure you don't step on too many stones without actually taking one and writing everything that you can see it consists of. So for that, sharing the writings here is required so that you can lay it out and get some feedback upon it.

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 09 Oct 2011, 06:29

Marlen wrote:So for that, sharing the writings here is required so that you can lay it out and get some feedback upon it.

OK so In the next few days I'm going to try and get some of my older writting that I haven't posted up for examination, I'm just going to start with a few points to start off for today.

Wanting to live through others(as in wanting to be remembered for if I were to die) is a fear of the ego, and holds no real substance(it's no more then a personal belief) I was rushing an expected date I have with a girl our of fear that it may never occur. SO I was like trying to hold onto it before it even occured, and in doing so I was totally not here as breathe where I'm training myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself- for limiting myself to an individual experience by thinking about it out of fear of it never happening and me not being complete because of it.
-(Along with the wanting to live through another) I forgive myself for thinking that me experiencing myself with another is worth any more then me experiencing me by myself(hence limiting my experince when I'm by myself hence not fitting the mold I've created that I need to have another there to like be another part of me)

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 10 Oct 2011, 00:05

I'm going to write out and examinate my need for acceptance as a form of abuse and how it developed into other forms of abuse within the system.

When I was young I put all my love and trust into my mother. She and my father were all that I knew so I trusted them unconditionally. I was totally dependant on my father and especially my mother(because she was a stay at home mom)

As I went through elementary school things were simple as first, go to school come home and do whatever it didn't matter life is very simple that way when you're young, but I started to develop abuse later on in school.

As I reached I would say the 2nd-3rd grade I can remember I started to develop a curiosity as I started to reach into the real world and started to stray away from the protection of my parents. The realtionship between me and my mother was no longer enough substance. I had become dependant on what I would call the approval of my mother, but now that I was meeting people in school I found the need to be accepted by other people.

I saw that it was important to be accepted by friends, and for a while this was fine, maybe I would try to hard to be funny at times and I might get laughed at witch was embarasing but not terrible. Problems began in 5th-6th grade.

The problem was that I was trying to make friends because I wanted to be loved/accepted, but my friends did not make me happy to hang or talk to, I was always just trying to be important/accepted. In the 5th-6th grade my friends broke my trust by being mean and hurting me witch broke my defenition of friendship and made me very angry because I felt wronged by them. I only had my mom left because I still had trust taped to her, but because I trusted my mom as well as my friends I blamed my mom just as much as I blamed my friends, and because I was not at risk of losing my mom I took much of my anger out on her which resulted in many angry fits between us for stupid things(I never adressed the underlying cause of my anger with her so I would usually just get agitated over trival things)

I continued to seek acceptance from my friends but never truely found any and what I did find didn't last long and certainly didn't make me happy/satisfied. This lead to me developing a sence of helplessness because I had developed an abuse of energy through acceptance and it was failing me.

I was coming of age where I noticed girls more so I started to add my need of acceptance onto girls. I thought a girlfriends acceptance would complete this fucking void I had created and could not fill. This started the whole fairytale non sence era for me when I dreamt of my crush liking me, and you know it's just like me trying to find the anser to this emptiness I had created inside myself without ever taking responsabitiy of just how it formed to begin with. Instead of taking responsability I waited for a girlfriend to come and make every single little problem of mine better(never happened and I don't expect it ever will)

Now the abuse starts to branch because I connected finding a girl friend to being beautiful, and so I started to add me wanting to be beautiful to my fairy tale of deception.(The problem with beauty is that it's abusive in the sence that it empowers some and disempowers other, and its totally based off of bull shit prefrences)

So at this point I have allowed myself to become reliant on beauty, girl friends, and friends to come and fix the hole I had created because I didn't have these things to begin with. It's kind of like me chasing my tail because even if I had any of these things I wouldn't be satisfied, but I never got close enough to recognising this to want to change my impossible quest to completion.

I have no specefic place in time to put these things but I'll also mention that I looked for completion within the realtionships between me and my cousins, aunts, and other family, as well as even through animals(I can't explain how I expected in animal to do, but I was just looking for any form of feeling special, like maybe me making a friend with a coyote out in the desert by my home) Also as I began to come of age I started seeking sex as an ultimate form of me being special and accepted, and this lead to me being more rude to women when I was in middle school because I guess I had that If I were a dick/mean then that's how to win a girl.

When I got to the last grade of middle school and later on until my more recent years of high school I saw less of individual realtionships and I just wanted to be on the top of the social pyramid. I didn't care so much of who my friends were, but more so where they stood on the social pyramid and where they could take me.

SO the combination of how secretive drugs had been labled and with me thinking It would lead to populatiry I began taking diffrent drugs, and was even loosely hooked on cigurettes at one point(I point this out to show how my need for acceptance lead me into drugs, I've already applied personal forgiveness for the use of drugs as an excuse to not accept what I've created and no longer partake in any form of drug substance)

I even found solace in just totally seperating myself from people and trying spirituality, but that was a short run and most of my spirituality ended up me trying to be important. I would analize people so I could know exactly how to act and how to make myself accepted by the person, and this lead to me seeing spirit animals in people, as a way for me to like have power over people by me like knowing more about them then they do- IF I could'nt appear important to others I guess I tried to appear more important to myself by thinking I was some form of physic who could read into peoples personalities.

So now that I'm at the point of trying to be more powerful then anyone else it's not even me looking for acceptance by other people, but more so just me trying to fill this hole of needing that I'd created whithin myself.

I'll metion also that because of how I cared so much about what people thought because of wanting to be accepted I developed a fear of rejection and still have some social nervousness at times. AS it shows the polarity of me seeking love through acceptance, It was occumponied by me fearing rejection through judgement. So I'm going to forgive myself for allowing both within myself.

^^^So this covers the entire consept, and I covered mutiple examples of how what began as me wnating to be accepted branched off into more and more serious forms of abuse. It's clear that what I did was seperating me from myself and was not taking self responsability, so this is where I stand to change what happened as so I don't allow this abuse to cycle and grow larger. There's no way to deny that what I spoke of was not standing for equality and prevented me from being here as breath, so I'm going to try and cover all of this with self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for allowing myself to depend on my mother
-for not taking responsabililty for my own life chooises
-for blaming my mother
-for placing trust on others instead of embrasing self trust
-for relying on others to complete me
-for allowing myself to be angry when my trust was broken
-for taking my anger out on my mother
-for blaming my mother that my trust was broken
-for not taking responsability as self trust
-for seeking acceptance through friends
-for seeking acceptance through beauty
-for accepting myself to exsist in the beauty/ugly construct because I wanted more then others
-for wanting better looks then others
-for not seeing others as deserving equal looks to me
-for me wanting a gf to complete me
-for me not taking responsability for myself and thinking that I could be saved by a girl
-for thinking that sex would fill my gap/complete me
-for thinking I need any energy from the mind to complete me
-for judging sex as something that completes people
-for not recognising that sex is just a physical act of expression
-for abusing sex by judging it
-for abusing realtionships by judging them as something that can complete me
-for abusing animals by judging them as just tools to make me feel worth more
-for wanting power over others
-for thinking that anyone deserves more then others
-for not being here as breath and instead trying to satisfy the needs I've created within my mindconsciousness
-for blindly acting out on the need to fill myself within the energy trap I had created
-for abusing myself in the sence that I made myself feel incomplete
-for using freinds as tools to make me important
-for fearing judgement of friends because I want to be important
-for wanting to be loved by friends because I want to be accepted/important
-for fearing being able to express myself
-for fearing that I will be judged if I express myself
-for limiting my self expression in any given moment by existing as fear of judgement
-for judging others out of hate of others judging me
-for thinking I'm better then others when I judge them
-for self judging myself because of what others judge me as
-for using "spirit animals" as a tool to give me more power over others
-for not taking self responsability and relying on others to tell me how to view/judge myself
-for thinking that what some people think of me is worth more then what others do
-for thinking that what other people think of me has any affect on me at all(it's my chooise to let me make it affect me through myself as judgement/self shame)
-for thinking that people who are older then me can make me more accepted/judged
-for not seeing authority as equal and thinking that authority has more power over me
-for accepting and allowing myself to exsist within the power structure
-for fearing denial by another person in a realtionship
-for manipulating myself and making myself conform to acting in a way that will impress another
-for fearing being put on the spot when another person judges me
-for lying to gain power over another
-for lying as a form to manipulate my realtionships
-for fearing any other human being
-for fearing that another human may have more power over me
-for not treating all as equal and fearing some, but not others
-for fearing people who might compromise my position and role
-for placing attachment on my role in society
-for allowing myself to see people in diffrent societal roles of importance and not seeing all as equal as here on earth
:roll: just remembered to mention how I've been doing my last posts less out of the need to be accepted by desteni/ on the forum and how I'm not going to post just to add material to my personal identity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be part of a "group" to complete myself
-for not taking responability for my self forgiveness and posting based off the abusive point of wanting to be vaild among desteni(basically neglecting the point of desteni)
-for thinking that desteni hold any more value then anyone else
-for fearing judgement by destonians
-for not seeing the people at desteni as equal to me
-for not taking self responsability and looking to desteni for how to view myself
-for contradicting why I'm here

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 10 Oct 2011, 08:58

Speaking self forgiveness aloud is nice for maybe more trivial things but some things it's very nice to be able to see written out, helps to take it all in.

I've never properly forgiven myself for a specific ex of mine, call her ex1 I suppose
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that the love of my ex1 girlfriend would make me happy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to be influenced by my ex1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ex1 as better because she was smart
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ex1 as smarter then anyone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in the polarity of dumb and smart
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that anyone outside myself knows what's best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my own self movement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex1 for me being unhappy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that a person is capable of magically making me happy in any way shape or form
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that dating my ex1 was a waste of time just because It didn't go over well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge any realtionship as a waste of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my realtionship with my ex1 a waste of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ex1 as pretty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust ex1 just becasue she was pretty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take control for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for comparing any given experience to how she made me feel
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge comparing an experience to a specefic experience as stupid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for comparing any given experience to the feeling my ex1 gave me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that my ex1 could really make me feel anything, so basically black magic
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that my ex1 knows more about me then I do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I'm better then ex1 on a moral level(Like I'm a better person)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ex1 on a moral level
I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself on a moral level
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to not want to give away the consept/picture of my ex1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined by a single conspet/picture
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that I'm better then my ex1 because I do self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that I'm better then anyone else for doing self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to fear giving up a picture/consept
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be capable of moving forward/past the pic/consept of my ex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated at how long this is taking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this process of self forgiveness as taking long

While on the topic of comparing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare any given experience to the feelings I had while high
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my feelings of being high as greater or more "real" then any other given experience

While I'm on such a wonderful roll tonite I'll try and cramp one more thing in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to define myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself with thoughts of granduer
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for juding myself for thinking that I need something bigger then myself to complete myself (read this one two times fast)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there's something bigger then myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I'm better then anyone else beacuse of the bull shit ideas about myself that I cam up with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging my ideas of myself as bullshit(take this one back becasue they really were some fucking crazy ass consepts, like I should make a movie about the kind of shit I had imagined as myself. There's like me as this rebillion owl who like is going to save the world by knowing more then everyone. Good stuff)

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Marlen » 10 Oct 2011, 09:32

Hi Matt, cool for writing out the Self Forgiveness statements as the entire sentence wherein we make sure we take self responsibility for what we are self-forgiving.

Now that you are writing a point out- such as ex-girlfriend - suggest to read it again and see where any specific memory comes up, any event, or any picture as you go reading which you can simply write out to see 'what's there' as a certain play out or habitual pattern while in such relationship wherein you realized that you were having certain backchat / judgment upon yourself or another and how that relates to you, how you have accepted and allowed such point of separation to exist within yourself. Remember that it's not about 'the other person' in fact, but the patterns that we have played out with various people in our reality.

Within this, the suggestion is to first open up the point through writing and then applying self forgiveness as you go along within the writing or leaving it at the end of the post once you go reading it again for the purpose of now reading yourself-back and identifying which points you require to apply self forgiveness for.

Another pointer to look at is writing out any ideas, beliefs or perceptions you may have in terms of self realization - if there exists any idea of there being something 'more' or 'getting somewhere', 'attaining', 'winning', 'being superior' or anything else, you write it out specifically describing the thought and applying self forgiveness for it accordingly.

This way you go hand-in-hand writing yourself and applying self forgiveness in the moment wherein you see where you weren't self honesty and thus where you require self-correction with regards to such points.

So as we go, many more layers of the same point will come up so, it's all a matter of continuing this application embracing it as yourself as part of who you are - this will enable you to keep your application as yourself and not as a separate 'action' that is 'process' - this certainly simplifies the points of applying self forgiveness and writing as it becomes who we are as walking and correcting ourselves in this process.

thanks for sharing

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 11 Oct 2011, 00:24

Looking back at my last to posts I'm going to put things into a better perspective and be more efficent with the point.

So looking at how I first met ex1 I was trying to find somthing that wasn't there. I felt empty, but I had only accepted and allowed myself to feel empty because ever since my trust was broken I forgot who I was(someone not needing defenition). By this I mean I forgot that I didn't need to be anyone. I had broken my trust for thinking I needed to be someone and yet I continued to search for a defenition because I wouldn't let myself see anything else clearly. I was angry and jealous of people who I thought had defenition, yet it was me who allowed myself to belive that other people had defenition, in reality is was just a personality that I had placed judgement on because I judged them as important or powerful/ having power over me becuase I'd judged them as a way for me to find acceptance/ my own power.

So I'm finding out my moms power by means of acceptance is not enough- I look for people in school to give me more power/acceptance- by defining/ judging friends as having power I by doing so did give them power but I never got to take part in the power, the power ended up abusing me- so now I'm finding out that I have no power/ am disempowering myself because I've defined others besides myself as having the power over me/ I'm not taking responsablity for myself because I don't belive I have any self power

So this thirst for power goes on unsatisfied manifesting in several forms that I wrote about previously.
In this case I'm dealing with how it manifested through defining myself through feelings and through other peoples definitions/feelings about me

When I met ex1 I allowed myself to judge this person as someone who could bring me definition and then being defined would bring me the power that I wanted.

I allowed myself to belive that there was a kind of magic between us merely by decpting myself to get what I want witch in this case was love/definition. So I defined ex1 as someone who was powerful only based off of how ex1 came across first glance because I didn't know her at first. So I started talking to this person but that in itself was deception because I was really more so trying to impress ex1 rather then talk to this person.

So I was feeling incomplete and was searching for perfection as I remember it as a child, but I was searching for my minds defenition of perfection witch could be absolutely anthing, and I might have known this some how because I faced much hesitation when I got close to asking out ex1. I only felt nervous though, I didn't know why. I think that I knew that I was lying to myself but I was to afraid to admit it because I was already so attached to the idea of chasing down this perfection. Not knowing what to do I allowed myself to belive that I deserved the perfection I once had and told myself it had simply changed because I was getting older, and so I asked ex1 out. We had our fun but in the end I was living a realtionship based off of judgement of perfection so look what happened when ex2 came into my life and I judged ex2 as someone who I could get to love me and bring me even closer to perfection then ex1. So bye bye ex1, ex2 is far more perfect then you. I date ex2 and at this point I'm borderline knowing how full of shit I am but am just making excuses at this point. Inivitably I see that ex2 can't bring me what I want and so I told myself that I never loved ex2 and left her in the dirt.

Now I move a bit closer yet just as far from my goal with ex3. With ex3 I realise that my judgement is not getting me anywhere, and so I thought having a pure unjudgemental realtionship with ex3 is just what I needed, and yet even though I did not judge I still felt the need to be defined, yet you can't have defenition without judgement so ex3 was never capable of reaching my demands, and didn't even know I had any demands. So it ended in a bit of self loathing and anger towards myself ruining things. It was like me defining myself as unable of doing things rite and by doing so making it so I can't do things rite.

So ex3 I allowed myself to judge as the perfect gf, so real quick I'm going to adress that'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ex3 as perfect because she was not judgemental
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myslef to judge ex3 as unjudgemental
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ex3 as more perfect because I had judged her as unjudgemental
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that simply dating someone who is not judgemental can make me myself unjudgemental
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being unjudgemental as capable of solving my problems

So becuase I never forgive myself for the judgement of ex3 it kind of just sticks around and comes up as back chat, and it says things like oh maybe ex3 isn't really unjudgemental just stupid. So my back chat expresses being mean as a cop out becuase I blame myself for ever liking ex3 so I judge ex3 as unworthy to have ever been bothered with. So this is coming up as just the polarity of the original judgment I had of ex3 it was her as pure, inoccent when I thought she could give me what I sought after, and then became stupid and unaware when she was no longer what I wanted, it's like I threw her to the trash as soon as she served me no longer. It proves though that she can't make me happy nor unhappy, I can only judge her as either someone who either does or doesn't have what I want. It went both ways, I judged her on both ends of what I viewed as perfect and what I didn't view as perfect. Both are just my judgement of her based off of weither I've judged her as someone who can help me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ex3 as stupid because she didn't have what I wanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people based on weither they can get me what I want witch in this case would be(self acceptance/good feelings)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my realtionship with ex3 to get what I want

Then the same applies to ex1, I defined her as someone who could give me defenition by judging me/loving me and by doing this I would become complete, I would complete because I've accepted and allowed myself to belive that without love I am incomplete.
I already did self forgiveness for ex1 but in this case I'm trying to clarify things a bit more within myself. I was looking for love, but love is based off judgement. I wanted to experience being complete through love through the defenition of myself as the judgement of another person. The problem is that's just bullshit and I was never capable of finding love through anyone, and the love was no more then self judgement and defenition.
I have much of what I want to express in a previous post but with these paragrahs I've chalked up what happened between me and ex1 much better.

For now things are a bit to mixed up for me to do anymore self honest self forgiveness about ex1 so I'm just going to also chalk up ex2 and use this paige as an example for if I ever manage to pick the self forgiveness back up for my realtionships with my exs and what I've accepted and allowed myself to experience about them and myself.

with ex2 it's just following the same pattern as with ex1. I judged ex2, I judged her as someone who I could find completeness with, yet never recognise that I can't complete myself with feelings of love, and defenitions of a realtionship. I'm going to leave this for now, but either try and write it out maybe on paper then post some more proper self forgiveness once I have a grasp on this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 11 Oct 2011, 04:04

I've recently recognised that when I started to feel self judgement I go into a state where I blame my judgement on someone else and say it's not my judgement it's theres. Yet if I'm feeling something it's coming from within myself, so to say it's because of someone else is just me not taking self responsability for my own judgements. Then I get angry at the person I blame. So blame is like a cop out for me to not take responsabiilty for my own judgements toward myself. I feel helpless when the blame comes up, and now I realise that I felt helpless because there was no way for me to forgive myself when I was blaming someone else so I felt helpess and incapable of seeing the points needing self forgiveness. Then because of love I blamed people who I love or loved more then others because I learned that love is something magical that could have special effects on you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsablity for my own self judgement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another person for my own feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at someone for what I'm doing to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel over whelmed when self judgement comes up within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame people I care about because I think that they have more power over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that ayone has any power over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognise that every feeing comes from within.
I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognise that every emotion comes from within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my self judgement on love.

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 11 Oct 2011, 12:01

Before self forgiveness can be applied I need to recognise what I'm working with here. So I'm looking back to when I first started smoking weed it was a way out, a way to not take responsability a way to go inside of my mind and see what I could find. At first I found some things that were cool, but I judged them from a spiritual perspective because the feelings I had were so unheard of I couldn't except that I was truely experiencing it as myself, so by judging my stoned experiences as more then me I sperated myself from the experience. I didn't take responsability for it because I didn't belive that it could be really exsiting in side of me.

As I continued smoking weed I began a decreased and decreased sence of self while high, I felt nothing and was totally unprepared for that and it made me misrable, but it was still a way out, still an excuse to not face myself and that's what I used it as. A way to hide from myself.
Judging the experience that I had as impossible or spiritual did indeed seperate me from myself, and affected me outside of weed by putting me in the position where I felt better then people because I had out of this world experiences, I even had a few days of out of body experiences within my dreams further pushing me way from myself and further hiding from who I truely was. I created seperation through using weed.
I also had a run in with salvia, liquor, and lsd witch all were the same problems still just me hiding from myself as I'd accepted and allowed myself and yet still getting high and expecting to find something to salvage within the wrek that I had created within my own mind.
So drugs were very much at first a way for me to find myself and find my place. I felt distant from other people and wanted more to find a way to fit among the defenitions I had sprayed among people like cool, popular, ect.
The desire within myself to have all these feelings and self defenition grows back from a very young age and I'm adressing within previous and hopefully upcoming posts.

Then when I started to seperate myself from myself by using drugs I moved on to start trying to fulfill this inner image of me as a pot head as a way to have a social place within society to define myself as and to feel good about myself because I fit into a group that I'd judged as "cool"/important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing trying to define myself through drugs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I require a social place to feel value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a stoner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse social stereotypes to feel important.
So now even though I've quite smoking pot the remains of what I did mentally were never forgiven and still remain and manifest within me as a desire for more and as a misunderstanding of my true self as breath and awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I needed to "find my place"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I was incapable of contacting my "true self"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I needed to intake drugs to truely experience myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel incomplete.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel incomplete and believe that I require other states of mind to access my true potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that my true potential was the selfish desire to have amazing feelings.
I forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my self by thinking that I'm incomplete and need more in my life besides the daily stimuli I recieve within the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from who I had created myself as within the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of who I had created myself to be within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge who I'd created myself as, as someone who I needed to hide from.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsability for whom I created myself as within the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using pot to hide from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using liquor to hide from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using salvia to do what everyone else was doing/be accepted within a social group/structure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using lsd to seperate myself from who I really am.

So now that I had seperated myself from my feelings I was becoming more and more unhappy/needing more self defenition as ego then ever. I felt very little anymore and I couldn't adress the truth so I looked in other places. Instead of taking self responsability for my seperation I searched for the truth as defenition instead of as self honesty.

By looking for truth through defenition I essentially found spirituality. Because I define spirituality as seeking a higher defenition of oneself/higher purpose and so on. I got into meditation, yoga, a lot of it came out as me trying to know more then other people. Like I thought if I could know someone more then they knew themselves then I would be like grand and magical and I could define myself as that defenition of power through intuition. I did get good at reading people and seeing into people but as it's grown old I've found it annoying and have been unable to prevent myself from going into these like mind stories that attempt to find greatness behind other peoples personalities. At this point there is still an underlying fear in me like I know that I'm bullshitting myself yet I'm unsure of how to go about change, and use being unsure as an excuse to not feel obligated to take a more rational self responsible approach on life and myself. The point of me needing a spiritual defenition of myself to impress other people has faded, but the unforgive remains still haunt me and at times I'll find myself still playing along to the same old bull shit that I imagine myself as this like greater being.

OKIE DOKE
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I need a spiritual defenition of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my spiritual defenition of myself to impress other people so they'll like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse realtionships by using spirituality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need spirituality/practices to be complete
I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other peoples personalities as a form of spiritual intuition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my judgements of others in the form of spiritual intuition as a way to excuse myself for the fact that I was judging others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself a intuitive defenition (Like knowing without knowing why I know type defenition of myself) This only leaves myself up to any form of mind interpretation and can eccetially bullshit myself in any way shape or form possible and chalk it down to me recieving it from a higher power or just whatever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act off the fear of having no defenition.
I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I could not stop myself from the lies/deceit I was living by.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spirit animals as a way of intuitive defenitions of others to have a gift that made me seperated from them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to seperate myself from other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own spiritual character as an owl/frog (sometimes) and that's the problem rite there, it all comes from the mind and has no actual physical defenition leaving it up to constant interpretation.
(I mentioned the source of spirit animals in a seperate post I think)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I was without defenition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to partake in spirituality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysef to partake in intuitive understanding as apposed to actual rational viewing and understanding as what's best for within the viewing of myself and the world around me.
I forgive mysel for accepting and allwoing myself to think that I can know things without knowing why and the hoping that I get it rite so it can grow my ego as being "magical"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that I can decieve myself into thinking I'm "magical"

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 11 Oct 2011, 12:41

Here's a cool point. I'll be doing something that I'm enjoying like for today it would be me dancing, and all's going fine but I eventually reached a point wherin I said to myself wow I wish so and so could see me. What's cool is that I could physically feel pain in my heart/chest area as soon as I thought that. It was like my heart was saying her I'm here I see you why do you need another pair of eyes. Now I'm looking back and I'm seeing that I allowed myself to feel like I'm incomplete unless I'm able to share something with others, and so I desired to be seen by another person luckily my heart alreted me that I was ruining all the fun for myself by desiring another being to accompony me. This isn't to say that I wouldn't enjoy being with another person and even dancing with another but there's no need for me to desire something like that instead of simply breathing and enjoying myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsability for my self and my enjoyment and relying on another person to be with me for me to enjoy something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear enjoying something alone.
I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadiquite in having an experience without outside guidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belelive that I need guidence outside myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disapointed when something good happens and I'm not able to share it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that I need share to feel complete.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn and ruin an experience for myself just because I have no one to share it with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognise that I've always been alone and that people can only be alone together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel complete by sharing a moment with someone who I love.


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