Matt's Writings

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Matthew Stone
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Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 08 Jul 2011, 17:30

I will begin this with a strong initial reaction to beginning the self forgiveness blogging in the first place. I have decided these reactions and resistance I have had with beginning are related to fear. Fear obviously is not self responsible, and puts me in a place of total separation from life and equality.

I believe my fear and resistance to beginning the writing is the fear of thinking I will not properly follow the directed path of self forgiveness, being rejected from the blogs and assuming that no one will support me and show me the correct method of self forgiveness, and an overall feeling of hopelessness and being inefficient.

I will attempt to deal with this issue before any others.

1-I forgive myself for not trusting my capability to understand and follow directions
2-I forgive myself for assuming that I will be banned/rejected even though I understand equality, and am trying my best to attempt to live as breath and become equality.
3-I forgive myself for placing myself as a seperate and less essential part of life, and not allowing myself to push myself to be more
4-I forgive myself for not pushing myself to be more out of the idea of me not being equal and infact being lazy, and less then equal
5-I forgive myself for allowing fear to consume me, and place me in a place that is less then equal

Now having tried to cope with the initial self forgiveness blogging I will now try and write about some big points of self forgiveness I have achieved, and worked through.

Coming to understand LOVE-
I was not shocked to find out that love needs to be dealt with, but realizing my exspressions of love was harder to cope with. I understand now that love places something in a category of special and worth more then all others, and this is not equality. It is placing something above equality.

I was upset that I should not be loving anymore. Since I was young I can remember all I ever was wanting was just love. I wanted a girlfriend who I could love. I wanted something that was special.

So I have exsplained to my current girlfriend how I no longer support the concept of love and dealt with the love concept
WHy did I want love?
I was preprogrammed as a youth to believe it was what I should want
I wanted something special. I wanted to have something more then anyone else
I was young and easily impressionable

So-
1-I forgive myself for being incapable to act for myself as one and equal as a child.
2-I forgive myself for being influenced by propaganda and everyone around me as a child and even during recent times
3-I forgive myself for creating a fairy tale consept of meant to be, and craving love because of it
4-I forgive myself for wanting to be special, and wanting the special aspect of love
5-I forgive myself for not viewing others as equal, and hence placing certain people in the category of love
6-I forgive myself for long what other people had, and wanting other peoples love
7-I forgive myself for being selfish and placing other people as seperate by wanting to obtain their love

Now that I had discovered love as a relationship, as wanting to be special, and as being jealous of other's love. Then evaluated how these points do not create equality, and further support my abuse through my ego, I have forgiven myself for allowing myself to become love, and will no longer allow it to consume me in anyway. Love seperates, and that is not creating equality. Equality is equal not seperate

Soon later I realized that I had not dealt with every expression of love. I had missed a very big aspect and even bigger confusion.

I had not even realized how I had been supporting love through the concept of sex, and physical pleasures.

Although love in relationships with others, and through being special(hence being "loved") had come up as my first idea of love. It did not occur to me how love had continued to manifest itself latter in life through sex, and physical pleasure. This idea of love came to me exactly the same way, although It did not come into my life until later. Tv, ads, parents, school, people. THey all influenced me with sex, yet no one seemed to have the same opinion! I was totally lost and totally confused about sex, and masturbating(bait for the master) So with so many opinions and no proper understanding I allowed my interest to over power me. Through the orgasm as a youth I felt amazing, complete, and total bliss. I had no clue except from a religious point that what I was doing may have been wrong.

I have now allowed myself to be forgiven and shed all forms of physical abuse through sex
1-I forgive myself for being influenced by my surroundings
2-I forgive myself for allowing myself to become abuse, through the form of physical pleasure
3-I forgive myself for not knowing any better
4-I forgive myself for thinking that I need love, and finding love through physical pleasure
5-I forgive myself for not allowing a true relationship, because I was blinded by sex

I allow myself to be complete as one and equal, and not needing to be special and sperate myself through love.
I allow myself to please myself physical with the breath orgasm, witch does not abuse life.

I thought this was a good starting point for self forgiveness and responsability, it was not easy to fully accept and deal with I will admit. I'm sure that their are aspects of my self forgiveness that could use revision, and any opinions and support will be appreciated.

Also if a link to the proper and precise form of a self forgiveness writing could be given I would appreciate that.

-Matthew Stone

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 24 Jul 2011, 19:44

Yesterday I allowed my ego to overtake me, because I felt it had been hurt by someone. I felt like they thought I was stupid, and although I may have choosen to come across as so, I felt that I wasnt being stupid. This angered me and led me to become very obnoxious, and naggy at said person trying to pry a secret out of them. I don't like secrets, and I took it to personal.

1- I forgive myself for allowing myself to let my ego become hurt, and offended
2- I forgive myself for believing my ego can be hurt
3- I forgive myself for allowing myself to respond like a jackass, to defend myself
4- I forgive myself for taking her secret so serious
5- I forgive myself for being so irresponsable for my actions under the pressure of the apparent moment

I think that preciving how said girl seems to be so sure of herself that It upset me, because I disaprove of the way she is. In the same sence I don't like secrets, and I agin took it personally because of having such a personal realationship with the girl, and I tried prying her so that I could prove her secret wrong. I was being self richeous. I was being self richeious because she was conflicting with what I belived in, so blatantly. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become self entitlement. Equality shows we are not entitled to anything. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become illsenceable under my emotion.

Nex time I should breathe, and analize my emotional body and what it is doing, before I over react to such a circumstance.

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Jessie Arias
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Jessie Arias » 24 Jul 2011, 19:58

Cool Matthew, thanks for sharing

Just a note I suggest using the whole structure of the Self-forgiveness used here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to...or,
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to ....,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ....

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 11 Aug 2011, 01:50

Thanks jessie, I will try to implament that

I break up with my girlfriend and I feel like I've lost a part of my fire, a part of me tooken away, and I feel wronged. I don't want to accept and allow such behaviour anymore. I want to be free from attachment in my realationships, and I don't want to put myself in a situation where I feel like I can be harmed by another. I want to take back my self control, and self will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive the view that I need another to be complete
I have been taught that I need to find love outside myself, I forgive myself for accepting and beliving that love can be found anywhere except from within oneself. I allow myself to be my own beakon of love, I allow myself to light my own inner flame, and motivate myself in every action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place attachments onto people, and things. I placed an attachment on the girl whom I dated, and that gave her power over me, and made me feel bad when we broke up. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be affected so much by outside sources, and being so sensetive in situations where I belive someone has power over me.

I forgive myself for accepting seperation in the system, and allowing people to have more power over me then my self(allowing myself to be influenced) and placing extra focus on some people(say the one who I allowed myself to fall in love with) With equality none of these things need to be there, and this becomes evident when I see the pain that these things cause.

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Cathy
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Cathy » 11 Aug 2011, 06:21

Thanks for sharing Matthew

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 15 Sep 2011, 06:28

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into confrontation with my mother.

My mom forces her "love" on me by trying to force all of her fear onto me, and this is does not have to be a problem for me, but I have been allowing myself to become angry when she does this, angry that she is putting out all this fear, but becoming angry does nothing for the situation, and is only a from of energy war between the two of us. If I were to remain un distrubed when my mother says something about me getting aids or another women pregnant (even though I have said I am not sexually active) then if I were to remain calm she would realize her fears hold no ground and do not need to be continued, so in a sence the anger I get when she says the things she does, is what has given them power

SO I forgive, for accepting and allowing myself to give power to fear

For allowing myself to cave in and respond in anger

For allowing myself to blame my anger on her, instead of accepting it as something coming up within me

And of course for benig ignorant of the situation between us to begin with.

Good things are happening for me, and I'm glad to have the knowlage that I do, and glad to be learning how to define myself as forgiveness and freedom, K, BYE (:

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KellyPosey
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby KellyPosey » 15 Sep 2011, 09:09

Cool self realizations, thanks for sharing Machew

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 16 Sep 2011, 02:26

I felt like giving up today

I've been looking for a realationship with a girl, and I need more diescression because I hit a road bump, and so I felt like giving up, I felt like I was ready to find my place and rest forever. (I had no intentions of killing myself and this has never been an option to me, but just the fact that I felt like giving up brought me down)

I see that killing myself is not an option, and is worthless and irrational.
I see that giving up servers me no purpose but that of depression and grief.
I see now that giving up is not something that I can allow myself to participate in any more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself
For allowing myself to become overwhellmed when that is only a feeling within me
For allowing myself to consider the possobility of quiting on life
For allowing myself to consider a realationship to be something worth getting worked up over

I will not give up on life! Now that I now the one direction I cannot go(giving up(backwards)) I know exactly where my intentions are needed now (going forward(standing for life)) As so above so below, knowing what not to do, gives me an even better idea of what I should do.

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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Marlen » 18 Sep 2011, 17:24

Once we realize that we can only give up as a mental-reaction, we begin to realize that there is no ESC button and that we'll have to face ourselves regardless of the experiences we might be going through.

So, now that you are here and aware that any experience is self-created through the mind, you can allow yourself to direct yourself to stop such experiences and instead focus on that which must be done to start living and stopping grieving over points that are only existent in our head.

On relationships - we support Agreements wherein two beings support each other as equals, this means that any relationship bs is stopped and not allowed. By relationship bs we mean all types of manipulation, control and deception that is used for the sake of keeping or creating a certain relationship which exists as a point of mental-relationship created mostly out of desire or the idea/perception that you require to 'fulfill yourself'/ complete yourself with another.

So yes, the way we approach a 'relationship' is no longer from any of these aspects but as part of supporting ourselves and another equally to stop any form of relationships that stand as ego-personality relationships of the mind instead of them being relationships of physical practical living support to stop the mind and start living.

Suggest you watch the Mathematics of Stickmen by Bernard Poolman and part 2

I suggest first establishing within you the starting point for that, allow yourself to first have a proper relationship with yourself and self forgiving the points that may be triggering such desire. Once desire is out, you'll be able to direct the point considering all the consequences and outflows of it.

So realize giving up is also a mind-creation, another tantrum thrown to not take self responsibility. When we realize there is no way out the only way is to face ourselves, dare to take self responsibility and commit ourselves to live.

Thanks for sharing

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Major points of self forgiveness

Postby Matthew Stone » 18 Sep 2011, 20:09

Through my living of life as desire, and lust. I have lost the part of me that appreciates every moment, and can be full within every breathe.

I was walking the other day, and through my breathe my being was able to be filled by every step, breathe, and everything I was. I did not need to imagine a story to complicate myself, I was simply experincing walking out in the desert.

As I walked I noticed that eventually I lost my breathe and I started to assult my mind with desire, and I lost my perciptual awareness (my awareness of self) I started to lust or want to be some where "more" somewhere more amazing, somewhere where I could feel more, somewhere that might fill me with better feelings then the desert. Specificaly I wanted to be on a snowy mountain in the forest, something I've never fully experienced.

I don't belive that there is a problem with knowing that I might one day like to experience a forest, or thinking it might be cool to visit a place, but the problem occurs when It takes me out of my breathe. It is clear that wishing to be somewhere else will not assist me in the moment, it only creats lust in me, and makes me emotional. Like ohh I'm mad because I don't get what I want, or I'm sad because my dreams can't exsist at this moment.

It also is a problem because when I start to think that the snowy mountain is preferable, I disempower the place I am at. I say the desert is worth less then the mountain. The mountain has much more value. It is only the value I place on things within my own mind. This is not fair or equal. Every enviornment plays it's role on earth, none is greater or supirior.

SO I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take myself out of the moment
For allowing myself to become lustful, and wanting of a feeling, and preventing any feelings at hand
For making my breathe harder to experience
For powering and disempowering my external enviornment
For thinking I deserve any more then what I am perceiving before me

Now next time I go walking, I allow it to be with a clearer head space


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