Matt's Writings

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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 29 Dec 2016, 10:11

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my friends drinking where I want to get drunk and have a good time too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized like why can't I join them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to loose my head in alcohol and say all the things I don't have the confidence to say or do otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to drink to have a good time with my friends where why can't I have any even better time being sober.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envision drinking and giving in even though it's important that I don't drink again where I don't trust myself in relationship to other's as I do alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as much as I do alone to not drink as I do to other's to not drink where I blame other's for why I would drink again even though I'm not supposed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my peers happy by joining them instead of having to work harder to assert myself and my sobriety as not infringing on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends feeling infringed on by me not drinking as a OK excuse to drink again.

When and as I see myself imagining myself giving into drinking when I see my friends drinking and me wanting to also have a good time, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's not worth me compromising myself to make someone else happy, thus, I commit myself to be just as much or more fun without drinking as long as I stick with my commitment to not drink again.



Marlen
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Marlen » 29 Dec 2016, 18:59

Hey Matt, cool sharings

What I found whenever I felt in a similar experience as you share here - not necessarily only with drinking but other experiences that I had made a decision to change within me - is that there was a part of me that still wasn't making a sound decision for that change in full understanding of doing it for me, as part of my principles, as a realization of what I want to be and create as myself.

So what happens when we make decisions, say like in your example in terms of not drinking, yet the decision is more like coming from an 'abstinence' based on having a morality judgment toward drinking as 'something bad' for example, or you having to stay sober 'for process' or something/someone 'out there,' what happens is that then we are not really cemented, grounded in our decision, and so that's how we allow ourselves this back door of then blaming it on others for being around with drinks or inviting you to drink and so, comparing what they are 'experiencing' as something you still desire to go through, where a part of you hasn't yet fully understood or made a self-aware decision of you truly and actually wanting to no longer participate in the whole drinking process.

Therefore, a direct way to 'take it back to yourself' whenever you feel a 'temptation' of sorts with drinking or anything else, and you see that you are wavering in your resolve, ask yourself instead what aspects of such activity/situation/doing that you are desiring to be a part of you haven't yet cleared up/processed within yourself first. Which means that it's actually a cool cross reference if you face these moments so that you can pay close attention to what is opening up in your mind, what kind of desires, fears, experiences you are craving or would like to experience and then you can make a decision to either indulge into it or take it to a point of self-forgiveness and so, re-aligning your stance and approach in relation to that one point you were wavering/uncertain about in your application.

This way then, making a decision to not participate in something will be well grounded, well understood/realized within ourselves as to 'why' we exactly have made a decision to change something within ourselves, and so even if the desires or 'cravings' for something emerges, one can then with self-investigated facts and realizations, remind oneself about our decision of who we want to be and where we stand in relation to something, like in your case, drinking with alcohol.

Because see, it's not so much about the 'alcohol' in itself here, but the experiences you might be judging as impossible to live without it, an expression of you that you've separated 'to alcohol' in itself, which I would then suggest you have a look at so that it's not simply a matter of 'denying' yourself something, but investigate it sufficiently within you, who you are in relation to your friends, to their ways of interactions, how you experience yourself with or without alcohol and then with enough evidence and facts within yourself, you can make a sound decision of who you want to be in relation to your friends, in other interactions and whenever/wherever there is alcohol involved - but this is just one example, you can essentially try out/ test out the same approach to any other aspect that you want to change, but you're finding it hard or difficult to 'let go of' something to get to a point of actual change in self-honesty.

So, check it out if you'd like to test out this approach and see what opens up.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 01 Jan 2017, 09:07

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my friends for me to avoid responsability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and drawing a line with my friends where I want to make my friends happy even when I know I'm spending enough time with them for the day and need to go take care of my writing and other responsabilites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my friends as an excuse where I allow myself to over indulge with my friends to make them happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even try to draw a line where I say I don't want to drink or I need to go now where I want to indulge and spend as much time forming a relationship with them even when it's been enough time and I should go take care of other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let friendship be something that I indulge in instead of something I manage and draw lines with like anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my friend when I say I need to go now and take care of other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go with the flow with my friends where I use friends as an excuse to not be directive and just go wherever the moment takes us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my friends for needing to be entertained where it's mutual where I also want to be entertained so I just blame it on them to be excuses from the responsability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret indulging with friends where I've never spent a lot of time with friends in my life I've always jumped around to different people and never had a single very close friend who I spent a lot of time with so it's a good learning thing to be able to make friends who I can explore relationship's with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad that I compromise myself for my friends where this isn't me creating the best relationship I can as not comporisinf myself would be a better mutual relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate for a relationship where I then act on my desperation and drink or smoke or spend too much time or say things I wouldn't rather have said just to keep the relationship rolling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad friend where I compromise myslr and thus the friendship where friends who I have outside of work is something that I haven't had much time developing and working on at this point in my life so it's all new and the judgement is expecting me to be the best friend who doesn't compromise himself but is still fun supportive where I need time to write that out to forgive and then live that defentioin of friendships as fun supportive and not compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care only about keeping my friendships instead of looking at what they stand for and are creating in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define friendships as without consquenxes where I see my friends as perfect and needing to be entertained where they weren't perfect just as I wasn't perfect.

I Forgive myself that I haven accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for others as to not feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define friendships as the only way to feel accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance from Other's where I don't realize how this doesn't adress the problem of feeling alone and feeling like I need to be accepted into other's groups.

When and as I see myself compromising myself for my friends so,I stop, I breathe, I realize compromising myself for friendship isn't the friendship I'd like to have for myself or other's, thus, I commit myself to not compromise myself in my friendships where I don't smoke or drink just because that's what my friends like, and I don't over indulge with friends where I make a plan for now much time to spend with my friends and then I go when it's time do I can do other things.

I redefine a good friendship as not compromising, having fun, and supporting each other to be your best.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 06 Jan 2017, 09:23

I have been keeping to myself and my own process for a while, but I see now how I can let go of a lot of the conflict and resistance and really start participating in a more better way.

One thing is trying to read other peoples writing more, and so I was reading someones blog, and it had all the stickers and the links and looked really professorial, and in that moment, it took me back,

like, I remember how I use to feel when I would read and look at other's blogs, and I remember just the insane amount of reaction, like I would be reading someone else's blog and seeing them doing self forgiveness and it was like I used to have a spiritual moment of reading their blog and it was like I was on another planet, they seemed so distant so in another dimension of reality.

Remembering that clicked with me because it made me remember what desteni was experienced by me when I was growing up, this thing beyond everything else, a spiritual thing, something big and grand and all these words and experiences,

and now I can see the most stark difference, it's the opposite now, desteni and self forgiveness and all of it is the most grounding relateable transparent thing ever, now that I can look at it with such less charge and reaction and just see how down to earth it is, that I was experiencing my own ego and relationship to all these words and new concepts and things from my own more spiritual perspective that I had formed growing up.

It made me remember why at the time in not having even worked yet at 17 how through my lens I saw Desteni as just as I saw myself and my own mind in all the pictures and dreams and fantasies and since all I could see of everything was in my own mind, what difference was it if I went and just did everything in my own mind off on my own, things were way more intense for me when I was younger then where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of process when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this intensity was just a reaction just my own fabrication where process being intense is like, process is me as a being, I was looking at the intensity of my own reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how intimidating it seemed to walk process where this was also just my own reaction like 'this is too much', 'I can never be like these other guys', 'I'll never be able to do this'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for seeing that intensity as so real when now I can see how fake it was and how I could have cut right through it, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I still live out that judgement where to this day I limit myself in thinking that something within my self movement within my process will be too intense and then all of sudden I just snap out of it, the intensity just is gone and suddenly I'm just doing it, I'm just moving myself, I'm on the ball and all of sudden it's just normal, it's not intense anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how there are still things that I experience as intense, like, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this intensity as facing how I still even in having matured have massive reactions to things still that can send me in loops for days where it's simply moved out of a positive spiritual kind of reaction towards things within intensity and now it's just a phcosis intensity where something will get lodged into my mind and I can't resolve it until massive amounts of self forgiveness and effort and time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my intense overpowering reactions towards my own process where within this judgment I'm suppressing how in some ways my intense reactions are worse, just as bad as ever, more mind bending more unshakable, like I can react to something and just be stuck for a long time stuck in an energetic experience of intense reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of going into work where what if I go in and everyone is mad at me for something or what if something has happened and I walk in and everyone is behaving strangely for some reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how intensity is an experience in my mind or caused by my mind, where I could have intense physical experience if I hurt myself badly, but when I'm physically find all intense experiences are just mental energetic experiences which can be resolved in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within intense moments where things are on the line, it's the moment of truth, it's time to take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to intense moments where during intense moments is the best time to stay calm and stay the course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intense moments where in introspection every moment of my life has been intense, everything is always intense with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the intensity of every moment of my entire life, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear more intense moments coming up in my life where I can't remember a day where things were not intense for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn every single thing and moment of my day into a high intensity reactive experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being overwhelmed by how intense things are for me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stop my mind because of how intense my reactions and experiences are all the time where I've just shown to myself here over time the amount I'm able to slow down and stop all the reactions and intense experiences is huge, it doesn't happen all at once but over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in the moments of seeing so many points coming up and it's like, I can't write out all these intense points I'm going to be stuck dealing with intensity tomorrow no matter what, I don't even have the time, where, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize no matter what point I do self forgiveness on it all contributes towards slowing things down, stopping the mind, each point is equal in supporting me to change as a whole.

When and as I see myself victimziing myself in realtionship to my intesnes expierences and reactions I have, I stop, I breathe, I realize who I have become in relationship to standing and continuing in spite of all the intensity occuring within me every day is what defines me, as I'm defining myself as who I am standing up within myself in realtionship to my intensity, thus, I commit myself to stand up and make myself even when things get intense within myself as not giving up but doing whatever I need to for me to assert myself in moments of intensity, I commit myself to breathe slow down and see what needs to be done and do it where no matter how intense it all comes down to the real actions I take, where I don't need to mind game around all the intesne expierences I have I just need to take real action and move myself.

I redefine intensity as high stakes, like if my house is on fire, it's intense, the stakes are high, what actions do I take, it's intense on the wire, not intense as reaction, but intense as acting as I need to take intense spefecic quick effective action and move myself to resolve the problem.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 08 Jan 2017, 21:20

Disgusting

I feel gross

like my body doesn't work right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusting within myself where I feel like I'm dragging my bodies normal functions down through all the energy I create in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing this disgusting feeling where I know there are things in my day-to-day functioning, in my diet, in my health which could better support my body to function the way that it doesn't feel like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate feeling this way where although I've made some changes in my diet and exercise and other habits to help improve my physical functioning there's also the mind energy element which just comes with time and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I went from feeling tired, wrote that out, and now it's a new sensation of just feeling gross, like I'm not running at functional capacity within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpeeling myself like an onion where there's always another layer where I'll eventually have to settle for a little while and run out of time and effort to keep unraveling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that if I push through this layer it might only be temporary where when something feels so deeply physical it can take a lot of time and effort to resolve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having to settle where between now and my shift at work tonight I can only accomplish so much self forgiveness and only do so much within it to a certain point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for just not wanting to feel gross where I'm afraid in just trying so hard to not have this feeling of grossness within me that I'll avoid seeing where it's all accumulated from within myself over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how this grossness has always been a part of my expression physically at different points in my life which has to do with bowl movements and my stomach where sometimes I feel like I need to move my bowls but it's just not there which can be uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having bowl discomfort where I've judged myself and who I am as inferior as having an inferior body where I know it has to do with energy where the more stable I am the more consistent and stable my bowl movements are so it's not my body but my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I am in relationship to my bowls and bowl movements where it's all so existential being around others and feeling nervous can stop up my bowls where maybe I can go to the bathroom if I'm by myself but will stop up when around others out of nervousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that I'm this way where my stomach and bowls have been like this my entire life where I have to be very stable and comfortable for my stomach to all of that to work without any hitches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the past where the world would seem so big and I would have such intense reactions that my body would just go into terror like I would be petrified and my body would freeze up and cease to function correctly, like if I was at school I'd be way too nervous to go to the poop and instead would just get into a habitual pattern of feeling it right at the end of the day and only being able to go in the comfort of my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the past where in the past in school I didn't have the tools that I do now, where back then I was truly petrified of myself and other's in fear and my stomche would just freeze up, but now I have the tools I can forgive the past and support my body to not get so worked up in reaction and energy that it won't function as well as i see it could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my tummy to just resolve it's issues now that I'm in such a stable point in my life where I can't blame my tummy because I'm still holding onto that nervousness, I still everyday feel just as nervous as I did when I was in school just as uncomfortable, just as petrified as ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto all this nervousness constricting my stomach over such a long time where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear and blame of others for making me so nervous that I constrict and hide in my shell.

When and as I see myself feeling gross like I need to use the restroom but can't, I stop, I breathe, I realize within this feeling I can't blame my body because it's me holding onto the past and the way I've felt nervous in relationship to myself and other's that I still carry around in my bathroom habits, thus, I commit myself to forgive and let go of my constricting of my bowls in relationship to other's as I see how releasing my mental relationship of nervousness to other's will allow me to release myself and my own body to become comfortable and have normal bowl movements.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 10 Jan 2017, 08:50

I get super charged up with hatred constantly, people I work with, who I have great relationships with, who I genuinely appreciate and enjoy, anything and I'll just snap internally like everything I saw and appreciate in a person just filliped on it's head.

I think maybe ties back to school like elementary school, where I felt like I never formed any strong connections with anyone on my own, I had friends who were my friends through my parents like the neighborhood kids who I met, but I feel like I always ended up isolated in elementary school, and so had to go through radical uncalled for means just to get attention to feel like I was a part of a group of friends or just to have a special friend and even then it all faded quickly and was only ever surface level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate other's for not embracing me in elementary school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have ever thought about how funny it is that my memories of school have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anything I learnt or did, but completely entirely based on my relationships with other people or interactions memories of other's.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how school was entirely for me forming my relationships and habits with other's and nothing at all to do with any kind of learning where I don't rember anything from school at all except my basics like basic math and reading and writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by hating everyone else and feeling rejected when my memories of elementry school are all fond even though I was alone in not having any close intimate friendships I made friends wherever I went I was unconditional even though it wasn't on that deep intimate level I was looking for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for taking my seeking of intimate friendships to far where I remember to impress my friend we would play a game of seeing what's the most we could get away with in this class we shared where we'd throw books across the room and it was funny and it was intimate in sharing this intimate insight of how nice it was to just have fun and do whatever where we really didn't care about school and that was our intimate bond with me and that friend, was our bond of not caring, doing whatever not caring about the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that the one most intimate relationship I finally found was totally self compromising and me being a dumb kid throwing books around where then I had to go to a teacher conference and I cried because I was ashamed that this was my most intimate relationship with another person I'd been looking for and it was entirely based on self compromise where I'd never on my own thought think to take things so far as destroying books and just trying to push things as far as I could without fear of repercussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that the most intimate relationship I've had with someone was based on a friendship of self compromise me making fun of others and being a jerk just to maintain my friendship and impress my friend with how little I can care about anyone or anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate other's like, why couldn't I have an intimate relationship with someone smart and nice and friendly why was it the only people I could ever relate to on that intimate level were trouble makers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that the closeset friends I've ever had have been trouble makers who I can hardly stay in contact with at all just out of concern of being involed with the stuff they have become involved with at this piont in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that the only way I was ever able to find that connection I was always looking for was through doing drugs with other's like smoking weed and still feeling isolated like I still didn't quite belong at all, but at least having some kind of potential something with someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that in this moment I can see this trend has been the same for my entire life, I've never been able to become intimate on a friend level or otherwise with anyone who wasn't a trouble maker, and then being a friend of someone through smoking weed isn't really that good of a friendship anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alllowed myself to harbor that hatred of other's for not accepting and forcing me to become someone I wouldn't have like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's for making me become someone I wouldn't like to be where I could have foudn this intamacy with myself where I never really did find it with anyone else, I found it with myself I could never even pretned to have found my own intamcy with anyone else where I could never get close to anyone for a long period of time.

When and as I see myself hating other's for never being able to give me the intamcy which I'd like to have with myself as that connection with myself trhough another, I stop, I breathe, I realize that intamacy is something that I can raelize through other's but is my own responability, I can't blame other's for not being intimate with themselves and then not being able to then share their intamacy for me to learn from I need ot just develop my own intamcy and connection with myself, thus, I commit myself to realize how hating other's for not giving me intamacy will always prevent me from actually developing intamacy where it's outright blame and rejection of self responsability, thus, I commit myself to take self responability for my own intamacy, I commit myself to when I see myself going into random hate fits towards everyone around me I turn those moments into a moment of intamacy where I open up this hate and see what's actually going on within me and my own creation of myself.



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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 12 Jan 2017, 04:57

I want to start doing more self forgiveness, i want to spend a lot of time doing self forgiveness so I can support other's with it from my own practice at it.

It's like a goal I throught up for myself, I see I'm serious about this but there's also this nagging like fuck, this could get pretty boring, I'm so used to all this entertainment, how am I supposed to keep the ball rolling when this gets repetitive.

I need to push through some of that resistance, but some of it I can just keep letting go of as I have been to have gotten to the point where I see that's sincere like I take it serious that this could be my life just doing self forgiveness and sharing my self support with others and being willing to cut out whatever I need to in terms of cutting out all but a limited amount of entertainment every day.

It's scary because it's like I have to make it happen for myself I have to move myself, there's no inspiration except seeing within me the rewards of self forviness in what I can give to myself and then to other's in support. But it seems boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing a lot of self forgiveness as boring where in my experience it isn't, you take little breaks and you enjoy it because it's so rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored by doing more self forgiveness more often because it's like a chore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self forviness a chore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just getting nowhere but to boredom in doing a ton of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how self forviness I'd whatever I can put into it where if I'm bored do self forgiveness on boredom.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how much boredom is just a limitation, if I'm bored forgive myself for being bored and then continue or push through the boredom if it's not that bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my boredom not see the obligation to dig into the deepest parts of myself where boredom isn't even relevant where I see something so much needing my healing in self forgiveness that boredom wouldn't even come into my awareness I'd just take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me be so limited and moved by boredom where I could see a real great purpose for me and my life full of enjoyment and wonder and would compromise it out all out of spite as boredom like screw it I don't respect myself and what I see as my potential in living and sharing self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this part of me as the stubborn boar rule my life where I need to make this decesion directly for myself in my living each day and I need to be even more stubborn then that personality of stubbornness I've created where I want to go my own way I don't care and then I just forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I could ever forget again my purpose in life where in the past I've been so stubborn that I simply forgot was so suppressive and stubborn every day that i forgot what I had seen in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrify myself where I'm so afraid of how I let my stubbornness rule my life that I'm afraid it could some how happen again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my memory loss where my memory seems kind of funky at times where I'm afraid what if I forgot about Desteni and self forgiveness like I did where it was all just a memory I don't know how I was able to supress so much in each breathe that I just was living another life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to become that boar again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be that boar which doesn't stop which doesn't give up which just keeps doing self forgiveness, keeps working on myself until I can really shine through everything and genuinely share self forgiveness with other's.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how much potential I have in the word boared where I can live like a boar charging in relentless in self forgiveness where I can see how I walked my own path to get here and grow in will until I can stay at it every day where I can live this word from the point of changing and forgiving it from being manipulative to being my best point of support.

When and as I see myself experienceing myself as bored in doing self forgiveness I stop, I breathe, I realize how much this is my life and what I'm going to be living so if I'm bored just charge through or just fix it in self forgiveness, whatever one I need to do, thus, I commit myself to either push through the boredom or just get rid of it in self forgiveness whatever is most relevant, but to either way stick out the plan, keeping up doing lots of self forgiveness in word when I'm out and about and written when I can, or a little mix of both just to mix it up.

I commit myself to stick with this plan, to keep living self forgiveness wording if speaking it and sharing it as it begins to come through more that I can share my reslzistions with other's.

I talk to my mom about self forgiveness a lot she's my roommate and we're really close since my dad died.

She says that I do self forgiveness too much and I never really thought about it until this moment where I had a doubt and a thought like, am I supposed to do this much self forgiveness? As much as I plan to and intend to keep pushing myself towards?

I work a lot so it's not like I'm not out in the world testing it out and applying it, so it's also like I need to make this decesion for myself no one can tell me what in supposed to do.

I get like this urge that, I should double check with someone, but I know better because I need to make my own decesion and just the action of asking someone else if I should make it my goal to do as much self forgiveness as I plan on is already me degrading myself and even risking me spiraling into reaction and thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the part of myself that is genuinely uneasy like I think myabe I should find someone to just get the go ahead from before I start really digging into self forgiveness every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get the point like that's why I left because I had to figure things out for myself I had to make my own decesion no one will tell me what to do, and now I'm here and this is what I'm doing and that's me making that decesion for what's best for life because I spent years back and forth I saw in destnei and self forviness that that's it that's the purpose of my life but no one can make me live that vision and realization I have to do it I have to direct myself to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that back door like I really should get the go ahead from someone who is more experienced then I am but how can I get expericned if I didn't make my own choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect people equally where if I equally respected everyone to make their own decesions I wouldn't have been in the situation where I left because there was no one to tell me what to do and I wouldn't doubt my decesion now because everyone must make their own genuine decesion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect everyone to make their own decesions where I act like I know self forgiveness is best for people and it's what they should do and yet I left it for a long time with no thought because of that same not respecting others decesions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself for making my own decesions where there's no one to blame when I get out of hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to influence other's like I want to make others decesions for them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how in trying to make Other's decesions for them and manipulate them to my side has been the biggest fuck up of my whole process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'll make the same mistakes in trying to influence other's again where I really see that as only being able to happen very much under the table not really very deliberate any more more like unconsciously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear messing up the good thing I got going with myself by allowing myself to be influenced and influncing other's where I can just bring it up to the surface, try to notice it more, put it into words more, go back into my memories more just do this and when I'm busy working on myself I don't have time to fuck around.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to be influenced in letting other make my decesions for me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that's not how it really works I just diminish my own will power within my mind give my power to make my own decesion and others there own decesions in the mind, thus, I commit myself to not ask if I should do a certain amount of self forgiveness but just trust myself to make my own decesion and trust others to equally make their own decesions for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned like I don't know if I'm supposed to be sharing my self forgiveness as much as I plan to through doing a lot of it on different places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what everyone is already just doing tons of self forgiveness and they just don't make a scene about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other's where what if others don't share as much in self forgiveness and what if you're not supposed to do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things wrong like self forgiveness is supposed to be a private thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassing myself in seeing how I just share my self forgiveness out of pride and everyone else can see it but I can't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this fear movement of thoughts and concerns sorry me where to me it's best to share a reasonable amount of self forgiveness to make it visible and that's what I'd like to see in the world so that's what I'm going to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my competivneness getting ahead of me where to me right now I know it's nothing or very irrelevant amount about competition or proving anything to anyone else.

When and as I see myself fearing having secret motives for sharing so much self forgiveness as I plan to, I stop, I breathe, I realize it doesn't matter if I have secret motives which I'm not aware of, what matter is I see this is the best potential for me to take my life at the moment and I can sort through anything that's hidden as I go along, thus, I commit myself to not let this paranoia of my own intentions mislead me where I commit myself to stay with my plan of individual and shared self forgiveness and my entertainment and hobby time for the rest of my life until something legitimate comes up in which then I'd rescsess other wise it's a point to face it just misuse of my time preventing me from sticking to my goals.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 13 Jan 2017, 08:43

I had an affair with this girl who had a boyfriend, and we went on a date and it didn't work out and I drank a lot during that time.

Now when I see her or am brought back to that time I spiral out a little, I feel like I'm still stuck in that expreicne from that time, like I'm not move on yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in disbelief that I'll never get to hold that girl again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I thought things were going to somehow work out with this girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressed because I lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I'm now back where I was for the most part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't spend time intimately with this girl anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never having this girl in my room ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that this girl was everything I'd worked towards in my whole life the best girl for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I failed at my one chance at this girl to be mine where what if I hadn't drunken so much at the time to get through things that I might have done better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I'm ready to move forward with my life but I can't shake the longing for her to be intimimate with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want it both ways where I want to move forward but the thought of never having her in my room and holding her makes me sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully commiting to moving forward and letting go of the attachment to the memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving forward that it's not even worth it I'd rather keep holding on then face who I am without that girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to deal with a life without her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being super attached to her after only having been on one date and only spending so much time with her outside of that one date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how this girl represents my fantasy about relationships and that perfect girl and love and destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving forward with my life as letting go of love and destiny and soul mates and just making something work with someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to let go of my last fantasy of what life is where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a supportive relationship that isn't about attraction and beauty and love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I've lost my last chance at love and I see it's time to just move forward where at least things worked out for the best, I can now move on to create a quality relationship without drinking and love and all the crap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I can't pinpoint things better where while drinking at the time of the cheating and so it's harder to pull up the words and what was happening I was just going with the flow.

When and as I see myself desiring that love the attraction the physical intimacy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have let this point of dating and love and girls slide under the table for a long time and since I haven't had anyone like that in a long time everything hit me all at once, thus, I commit myself to when I see the intensity of dating and girls and relationships hitting me all at once, to slow down breathe, realize this is because I've let that part of my life slide for a long time and that in reality it's just like any other point and can easily be adressed if I just don't let it slide out of control again.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 14 Jan 2017, 01:11

There's this person from work who keeps pushing me to improve myself.

I say it that way now, and actually see it that way in this moment, but on my way home I had a very different use of language and intentions towards this person, but I get it sometimes things catch up to you, I'm pushing myself more then ever I trust myself to when something catches me off guard to just take it to writing breathe let go, If I spend all day writing about one point then yeah there's other points festering under the surface which will catch up to me, no big deal, whatsoever, the big deal is if I said the things I wanted to say, conspire the way I wanted to conspire to defend my ego.

So, I see the truth now of my relationship with this person who I work with, that's good, It's good that me and this person were able to get to the truth so we can move forward without having to lie to each other about how we feel towards one another.

This person can feel say do whatever they want, there's nothing I can do about it, what I can do about is stopping my judgement, hate, anger, excuses, blame and give to me and this person a gift instead of conspiring to just cut them out of the picture before they cut me out maybe try to get me into trouble at work or try to find new ways to get under my skin.

Talking about it now is just digging me in deeper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on everything I've had within me trying to work with this person where I've come to a point where I see them completely as a threat to me and my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this person for breaking me where I broke myself I let myself give up in that moment of anger on my way home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear defending myself where if this person tries something I don't know if I should use what i have on them or not in my defense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in trying to be kind and work with this person that I'm just setting myself up to get rolled over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this person for dilemma I'm in where I have all these thoughts like should I just turn cheek and let go of the job if it comes to it, should I stand up for myself, be proactive, just racing with this dilemma, do I need the money or should I just let him keep living the way he is and let him find out for himself what's it all going to lead up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed up against a corner where I don't if I should defend myself and my job or just let whatever happens happen or if this person is even a threat or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being in this position where I have to make a decision I don't know what will happen in this moment I see this person will probably just fizzle out maybe I won't be scheduled with them as much at some point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this turn into such a mess where I would rather just stand down, I want to focus on keeping things stable and would rather get a new job then get bullied to the point that I over react and say something I shouldn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself as defending my ego where I don't need the job, if this person really is just going to run me out then fuck it, I can go back to school, I don't want to hang around trying to compete or outwit this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I want to make my own decisions, I want to decide to go to school and leave my jobs when I'm ready not be forced into action by someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I have to re-evaluate everything within my life in relationship to work vs going to school all because of this one person, why don't they just take care of themselves, why do I have to change myself for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't keep going on like this, even in trying to do more self forgiveness I can't do it for everything all the time and I feel like things are still catching up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal out of things where it is what it is either this person drives me out or they fail, I should just stand down and do my best, decide to either get a new job if it get to that point or just decide to go back to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frantically try to figure out what I should do in a fit of reaction and backchat instead of just seeing that the only solid way to make a real decision is to slow down and write things out.

When and as I see myself frantically trying to figure out what to do in relationship to securing my job and wellbeing against others, I stop, I breathe, I realize no matter what decesion I make it's always better to make the decesion with a level head after applying self forgvieness so long as I can help it, if this person had done something right there on the spot, then I'd have no choice but to make an immidete decesions about how to approach the situation, but they didn't so instead I have the chance to correct my side of the equation, thus, I commit myself to if this person does try anything that compromises my job position saying I'm annoying or a bad worker then I slow down breathe to support myself to make the best decesion I can where I still don't know what I would do or should to if anything did happen, but I know that the best decesion I can make would be made without me reacting and just being direct and patient and centered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to continue to see this person at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep my cool with this person at work next time I see them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't just do self forgiveness in relationship to this person until I see them I have other things to work on, so I'm going to have to just in that moment be directive as much as I can, direct myself to breathe to relax to just get through the day with them and keep picking at things until I'm resolved in relationship to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things geting to the point of survival where this is who's going to keep their job or not where it's not really that extreme but that's how I see this other person as apporaching it like they'd have me fired if they could, and I'd do the exact same towards them if I had the authority too, so how am I supposed to just keep working with this person like this isn't occuring under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this game going on under the surface where it took charisma and determination to get the job, it took hard work and dicipline to keep it, and now a new point has arisen of having to defend it, or not, I have no idea what I'll do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to work with and see this person and having no clue at all what they're going to do or what's on their mind where if it really came to it I can't compete with them, I couldn't do what they do at work, I work 2 other jobs and I do my writing and I just don't have the time or energy to get anywhere near their capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all these diffrent points boiling under the surface where I'm beyond myself, I can't do anything but release my relationship to them and just go in to work and see what happens, find out what I'll do and how I'll be able to handle things if something does come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at this person for them becoming what they did where it happens, it happens to everyone that people get programmed a certain way, that they create themselves with what they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bother with empathy of trying to think of what this person must be going through where that's just as much in the mind as blame and hate is pretending to know what's going on with some one else in their mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this person where it is what it is, they became whatever person they are for whatever reason, I became the person I am for reasons I'm still working on I'm the one with the knowledge and tools to how to change so it's my obligation to, simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate this matter with this person anymore then I have the tools to change and forgive that's exactly what I'm going to try to do, the grey areas where I'm not sure will either come up before I can figure them out, or not.

When and as I see myself fearing having to direct myself to do the best I can next time I see this person where I'm angry that they don't step up to the plate and sort things out on their end, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm the one with self forgiveeness, it's my obligation to forgive my end of the equation and be an example, not because I'm better, but because I have the tools for whatever reason, thus, I commit myself to when I next see or have to work with or think about this person and get angry that why don't they change themselves to then slow down, breathe, see in that moment that this person is dealing with things the only way they know how, they don't have the tools I do, it's my responablitiy to use my tools to take care of my end of the equation, not because I"m specical but because I simply have the tools thus the best thing I can do for me and this person is to use them and apply them and support this person if I can, write on this point more depending on how I can fit it in.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Matt's Writings

Postby Matthew Stone » 17 Jan 2017, 09:43

There's this song that I wanted to listen to all day,

I don't listen to a lot of music on my free time but this song really makes a lot of reaction within me and so I wanted to listen to it and see what happens.

I like the song a lot,

but the feeling was like a complete possession.

One thing is that it's a very emotional and moving song, but then also that I was listening to it while I was seeing this girl who I had over to my house and I sung her a song from this band and I was drinking around that time, it was a month ago or so,

but that makes me realize when I'm thinking I knew listening to this song would make me react a lot, but I didn't know why, now in writing it out it makes sense because it's more then just the song it's everything I've tied to it which I have to clean up still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go all in within this relationship, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go all in where I'm drinking because I didn't want to face the gamble that I was playing where I allowed myself to ride a lot on the success of this relationship or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my gambling my emotions and feelings on this relationship where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just take everything into writing isntead of having gone all in and just drink to supress the fact that I didn't need to go all in and be reckeless but could have taken a step back and been affrative and make a direct decesion without betting so much on things working out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink and gamble on this relationship working out where it was over my christmas break and had just turned 21 so I had a lot of time on my hands and just wanted to play games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the love game with this girl just because I had some free time and didn't want to find anything more practical to do with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make a big scene out of my relationship with this girl where all these emotions and feelings were just in my head and had nothing to do with the reality of what I was creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate what a mess I've made when in the self forgiveness which I've already done in relationship to what happened it supported me to move myself to write out a lot stuff about relationships and love and not wasting time which is what I was doing I just had a lot of time on my hands with some time out of work and I 'let the stars align'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything I did during this relationship/interaction with this girl be the stars aligning where I made my decesions the stars didn't make me drink or go into this affair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink because of how I didn't feel like it was right to see someone else's girlfriend but I knew if I drink it will stop that concern of the consquenes of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the consquenes of my actions with alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that lisening to this song is me reopening that relationship with this girl where my desire to listen to this song is my desire to have that emotional feeling relationship I made with this girl in my mind reopen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this song as a back door to mantain a relationship which I don't agree with where I don't agree with forming this emotional feeling relationship with anyone anymore when I'm being direct in my writing because in my writing is when I can seee that's not what i want for me or anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave this backdoor to reopen the relationship within me where my mind then goes to wanting to talk to her again and continue to pursue that feeling of reaction or fullfillment or whatever thing in me that starts to light up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify having feeling relationships with this girl because I'm not that developed in my process that I know I'll have feelings for this girl if I dated her and before I went out with her but that the drinking was uncalled for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend like I had feelings of love for this girl but it's ok because I would have just written things out where that's true but the drinking made things worse and shows how I did want to just feed into those feelings and not take the most responabiltiy that I should have for the feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what a mess this affair has been and still is for me where really this song wanting to listen to it is like a reminder and is showing me that I just need to clean up my back door which is those overwhelming sweep you off your feet feelings which the song reminded me of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself create these overwhelming feelings of love where because it's overwhelming I give in like I accept it because it's too powerful.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed msyelf to realize that love is only powerful because i've charged it up within reaction and in my mind since I was a little kid and then furthered that strucutre with porn throughout my life building up this immense friction as love as a reaction.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed by the feeling of love towards anyone, I stop, I breathe, I realize this expierence seems unstoppable because I've never stopped it, I've fed into it my whole life, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself moved and possessed with immense feelings of love to slow down breathe and direct myself to not give into these feelings and further feed them as I see I need to build up my integrity to not give into these feelings little by little on top of doing self forgiveness until I can level the playing field and can work with the moving expierence of love as no diffrent then any other reaction.

I commit myself to bring love reaction of being totally overwhelmed and moved by emtions and feelings back down to the same level as any other reaction where I wouldn't be totally disempowered by a reaction of anger, I'd just see I'm reacting to this, no big deal, just need to red flag it and write it out when I get a chance, so love should be the same way, not feeding into it like it's something special, it's just a long con, a con job I've pulled on myself since I was little to get my way with myself and other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I've been a con artist since I was a little kid.




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