There's this person from work who keeps pushing me to improve myself.
I say it that way now, and actually see it that way in this moment, but on my way home I had a very different use of language and intentions towards this person, but I get it sometimes things catch up to you, I'm pushing myself more then ever I trust myself to when something catches me off guard to just take it to writing breathe let go, If I spend all day writing about one point then yeah there's other points festering under the surface which will catch up to me, no big deal, whatsoever, the big deal is if I said the things I wanted to say, conspire the way I wanted to conspire to defend my ego.
So, I see the truth now of my relationship with this person who I work with, that's good, It's good that me and this person were able to get to the truth so we can move forward without having to lie to each other about how we feel towards one another.
This person can feel say do whatever they want, there's nothing I can do about it, what I can do about is stopping my judgement, hate, anger, excuses, blame and give to me and this person a gift instead of conspiring to just cut them out of the picture before they cut me out maybe try to get me into trouble at work or try to find new ways to get under my skin.
Talking about it now is just digging me in deeper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on everything I've had within me trying to work with this person where I've come to a point where I see them completely as a threat to me and my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this person for breaking me where I broke myself I let myself give up in that moment of anger on my way home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear defending myself where if this person tries something I don't know if I should use what i have on them or not in my defense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in trying to be kind and work with this person that I'm just setting myself up to get rolled over.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this person for dilemma I'm in where I have all these thoughts like should I just turn cheek and let go of the job if it comes to it, should I stand up for myself, be proactive, just racing with this dilemma, do I need the money or should I just let him keep living the way he is and let him find out for himself what's it all going to lead up to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed up against a corner where I don't if I should defend myself and my job or just let whatever happens happen or if this person is even a threat or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being in this position where I have to make a decision I don't know what will happen in this moment I see this person will probably just fizzle out maybe I won't be scheduled with them as much at some point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this turn into such a mess where I would rather just stand down, I want to focus on keeping things stable and would rather get a new job then get bullied to the point that I over react and say something I shouldn't.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself as defending my ego where I don't need the job, if this person really is just going to run me out then fuck it, I can go back to school, I don't want to hang around trying to compete or outwit this person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I want to make my own decisions, I want to decide to go to school and leave my jobs when I'm ready not be forced into action by someone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I have to re-evaluate everything within my life in relationship to work vs going to school all because of this one person, why don't they just take care of themselves, why do I have to change myself for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't keep going on like this, even in trying to do more self forgiveness I can't do it for everything all the time and I feel like things are still catching up to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal out of things where it is what it is either this person drives me out or they fail, I should just stand down and do my best, decide to either get a new job if it get to that point or just decide to go back to school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frantically try to figure out what I should do in a fit of reaction and backchat instead of just seeing that the only solid way to make a real decision is to slow down and write things out.
When and as I see myself frantically trying to figure out what to do in relationship to securing my job and wellbeing against others, I stop, I breathe, I realize no matter what decesion I make it's always better to make the decesion with a level head after applying self forgvieness so long as I can help it, if this person had done something right there on the spot, then I'd have no choice but to make an immidete decesions about how to approach the situation, but they didn't so instead I have the chance to correct my side of the equation, thus, I commit myself to if this person does try anything that compromises my job position saying I'm annoying or a bad worker then I slow down breathe to support myself to make the best decesion I can where I still don't know what I would do or should to if anything did happen, but I know that the best decesion I can make would be made without me reacting and just being direct and patient and centered.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to continue to see this person at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep my cool with this person at work next time I see them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't just do self forgiveness in relationship to this person until I see them I have other things to work on, so I'm going to have to just in that moment be directive as much as I can, direct myself to breathe to relax to just get through the day with them and keep picking at things until I'm resolved in relationship to them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things geting to the point of survival where this is who's going to keep their job or not where it's not really that extreme but that's how I see this other person as apporaching it like they'd have me fired if they could, and I'd do the exact same towards them if I had the authority too, so how am I supposed to just keep working with this person like this isn't occuring under the surface.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this game going on under the surface where it took charisma and determination to get the job, it took hard work and dicipline to keep it, and now a new point has arisen of having to defend it, or not, I have no idea what I'll do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to work with and see this person and having no clue at all what they're going to do or what's on their mind where if it really came to it I can't compete with them, I couldn't do what they do at work, I work 2 other jobs and I do my writing and I just don't have the time or energy to get anywhere near their capabilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all these diffrent points boiling under the surface where I'm beyond myself, I can't do anything but release my relationship to them and just go in to work and see what happens, find out what I'll do and how I'll be able to handle things if something does come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at this person for them becoming what they did where it happens, it happens to everyone that people get programmed a certain way, that they create themselves with what they have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bother with empathy of trying to think of what this person must be going through where that's just as much in the mind as blame and hate is pretending to know what's going on with some one else in their mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this person where it is what it is, they became whatever person they are for whatever reason, I became the person I am for reasons I'm still working on I'm the one with the knowledge and tools to how to change so it's my obligation to, simple.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate this matter with this person anymore then I have the tools to change and forgive that's exactly what I'm going to try to do, the grey areas where I'm not sure will either come up before I can figure them out, or not.
When and as I see myself fearing having to direct myself to do the best I can next time I see this person where I'm angry that they don't step up to the plate and sort things out on their end, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm the one with self forgiveeness, it's my obligation to forgive my end of the equation and be an example, not because I'm better, but because I have the tools for whatever reason, thus, I commit myself to when I next see or have to work with or think about this person and get angry that why don't they change themselves to then slow down, breathe, see in that moment that this person is dealing with things the only way they know how, they don't have the tools I do, it's my responablitiy to use my tools to take care of my end of the equation, not because I"m specical but because I simply have the tools thus the best thing I can do for me and this person is to use them and apply them and support this person if I can, write on this point more depending on how I can fit it in.