I'm working with words,
words can give perspective and context on things,
I could drink soda or water,
right now I'm drinking soda, I didn't put a lot of words into this action, but one word is unhealthy, but I see how that word is not something that I want to apply immidetely to all things, I don't want to not eat something just because I see it as unhealthy, but I do want to explore things that are defined already as healthy.
I didn't put that many words into it in the moment, but that's the entire sentence that I was living in choosing soda, is that I don't inherity know soda and it's relationship to me totally.
There is a buzz to drinking soda, the word is BUZZ.
Like a bee, because bees collect the pollen from the flowers and make the honey and honey is sweet, and my soda is sweet, and I'm buzzing like a bee writing and digging through points in writing.
In the buzz, there's a focus, the buzz drowns out the negatives and the certain slow down energies, and speeds things up to get things done.
Sometimes you need to just get thing done, but it'd be best to be able to breathe and be directive to get things done.
Another thing is I have this one thing I need to do and I keep thinking about it like obsessing about it, and then I was avoiding doing it, so it's like the more I avoid it the more I keep reminding myself about it, so it's like a cycle, unconsciously postponing something i need to do then becomes all that I think about and I get worked up over thinking about it so much so get guarded and postpone and then it keeps coming back.
So it's like postponing the real action that needs to get done, is postponing dealing with it in my head, where how can I make a cement, I'm doing it tomorrow at this time and won't think about it again until it's that time when I've already been postponing it so I know that I can't trust myself to actually deal with it when it comes up in my mind or when it comes time to do it, which in turn makes me want to just get it done so I can get it off my mind and then it's my unconscious making the decision just to control my mind by just getting the thing done with.
The phrase is 'get it done', the word could be consistent, when I'm not being consistent in my actions, my mind as myself is also not consistently able to direct the thoughts that I have of what I need to do.
What word can I use to support me to just get this task completed...
Decide a time to do it and then when that time comes decide to do it even if I don't feel like it, where self honestly I'd know if I'm sick or injured so much that I need to instead go the hospital as a reason to not do this thing I have to do soon.
I know that I can go do it tommrow.
So it sounds good, I have to get it done some time, I'd like to get done with this thing and then start looking for what next thing I should or could be doing with my time...
I could do sf on being decisive in general, but it would be better to just focus on this one point as taking baby steps.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get up to do my emmisions test for my car because it feels good to sleep in and be lazy when I just woke up and don't really have to do anything if I have no work, or nothing scheduled that time when I get up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up with a word, with some force with some movement, I'm awake now, how would I like to exsist today, wouldn't I like to do things and be consistent and trustworthy and on time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself any tools to change myself upon waking up and needing to do my emssions test.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up, breathe, see how powerful my desire is to feel good sleep in play games and decide that's not something I'd like to stand up against this mourning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the tools trhough words to wake up and get these emessions done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not imagine what words could support me when waking up like 'snap to it'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up and live the phrase 'stay on top of things'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to one word as lazy instead of giving myself an entire phrase, 'it's time to go'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge playing games as more fun then my emessions test when it doesn't have to be that way and fun doesn't have to be a part of the equation when something would be better then fun should be a decesion, I have to get this test done, it'd be best to not put it off, 'let's make it fun since I've got to do it anyways'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the word fun as acting upon what seems most fun as my decesion instead of making my decesion what will be best for me, where what's best for me will ultimately be the most fun, so I'm even ginving into a compromised version of fun just because I'm not giving myself something to wake up with.
When and as I see myself waking up tommrow and in the moment of coming to having to decide if I'm going to get things done or postpone more, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I haven't been giving myself the tools I need to make a decesion to decide who I will be when I get up, thus, I commit myself to wake up and give myself the phrase 'time to go' by taking a breathe and making a decesion directly over what I will do instead of immidetely going to my phone to watch something and then maybe take a nap, as immidetely deciding I'm awake, take a breathe, and move.
Decesion, I redefine decesion as making a clear cut choice what will be done and then acting upon it.
I make a decesion that I will let my feelings direct what I will do.
I also make a decesion that I will not let my feelings direct what I will do and live a higher more fullfilling more fun more me purpose.
Give myself more then just giving into the appeal of something on the surface which it seems on the surface nice to just lay around and be lazy but it's not actually as nice as it seems on the surface it's deceptive but I forget that and then I'm in the heat of the moment and I'm not living words.
So that's where the word decesion comes in, to see who am I as decesion right now?
Can I stop whatever I'm doing for a moment, or just take a breathe and bring awarness to who I am as decesion really qick even?
There's responability on the line here, because part of making the decesion is that I've already decided tommrow I"ll wake up and take action and live the word decesion to completion by acting on my decesion I'm making right now, where I could make the decesion I'm going to run for 3 hours tommrow but I'd be compromising myself in that decesion because I know I would not do that because I'd get too tired and hurt myself.
So living responsability depends on the success of my decesion or not.
So it's responsbility to make a decesive time to do something, but then it's 1 step forward 2 back if the follow through isn't met.
Breathing is not enough for me to wake up and make this decesion, so I'm brining through the word decesion to support me where I won't be possessed in a moment of feeling right as I wake up beause I'll already ahve a word that I"ll be dealing with which is decsion.
I see that this word will be suffecnt, but for living the word security, I could give myself a fall back word.
I close my eyes and imagine what words also could support me to take action as I'm supposed to tommrow mourning.
nothing came to mind because I couldn't think of what could override my desire to just sleep in more and go on the internet.
So maybe that's the word in disque Desire.
I commit myself to when I wake up to bring awareness to the word desire, as becoming aware of my desire, and seeing that it doesn't matter in this situation.
Another word is habit, it's a habit when I don't have to wake up in the mourning for a serious school or work related responsability that I will not and will instead sleep in more or go on the internet habitually.
I commit myself to live the word habit when I wake up by stopping myself from immidetely acting on my habit of postponing not important obligations by attending the obligation and changing in that moment who I am as habit.
I got a lot of plans here and a lot riding on the moment of waking up tommrow so I'm really shaping up tommrow to be something significant, where if in theory I fail and my desires to not be responsible overwhelm it will deffinetely leave a mark because I'll remeber how much work I put into planning the act of getting up and even that I posted it publically so that's like even more significance that it's being shared as a refrence.
So then I'm a little hesitant since there's so much on the line but really in reality there's not much on the line it's just a matter of my own development and in me developing sharing my development with exsistence.