Marco's writing

Marlen
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby Marlen » 05 Mar 2015, 21:14

Cool Self Investigation Marco. So from here on to remove the 'charges' on how you reply/deal with something/someone and not enable the continuation of the ego desiring more energy to feed itself.

Thanks for sharing



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mar
Posts: 305
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 11 Mar 2015, 16:07

This is a positive memory of when i was about 12.

I was at the summer camp and i remember that i was having a confrontation with a bully. I don't remember the whole episode, but he had in the hand a metallic bottle cap of a coke. We were about one/two meters face to face and he began to mimic the act of throwing it on my face. I was standing there looking straight to him with a challenging face, just focussing my attention.
Then he threw it in the direction of my face and I , with a fast hand movement, gave a slap to the flying cap. A moment of silence came down suddenly.... It was an impressive demonstration of challenge.... The message was straight: "don't fuck up with me, I'm far away from you! I am by far on another level! ".
The moment of "glory" didn't last long and soon the first comments of the persons that assisted the scene went out to lower the tension. The bully soon came back charging me again with new provocations. Some moments after he took another cap and began to mimic again the act of throwing it to me but this time in a smarter way... When for the second time he threw it, i succeded again in deviating the shoot... But this time the episode was just.... Something more normal and didn't impressed that much.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having put me in a situation where i thought that "i cannot take me back! I've gone too far to come back... " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always.... So many times thought that if i give up this would be interpretated by the others and by me as "loosing " while my permanent point has always been "i can't loose without fighting! "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made a challenge of everything... For having always put a judgement in almost every interaction where everytime i had to elaborate the better strategy to "win". This was done for almost every interaction, with males and females where i had to sort of "answer" the right way to "win", elsewhere i had "lost " and there is the suppression of the "defeating emotion ", thinking that "it doesn't matter " and trying to forget the episode or convincing me that "it has no importance ".

But what does it mean this "right answer "? Or to "win the challenge"? Actually what it meant was basically "show me as more /be more " than the other, within the illusion that: if it's a female she would appreciate someone who is "better or stronger" while if it's a male it's rather the same but on another dimension and also there is a self protection mechanism where i need to "self preserve me "... It's like that there is this urge of not letting "fall or accept or go" anything that has any sort of relation with me.... like if i have to "take back and control" anything which is said about me.... like if i can't let/allow "in the air " anything that has some relation with me without re-assessing it. If i don't know how to re-assess/re-direct it i just shut up but this would mean that i've been sort of "defeated" and i'm accepting and allowing myself to identify in the definition that has been placed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having lived the relation with the other sex within the illusion of always needing to be perceived as "more" then the other, thinking that through a continuous "shocking" of the other person, i would have been appreciated. Where "shocking" is the needing/urge of being always "original/out of the box/never foregone" .... each of my interventions must be "unpredictable no matter what", even if i result inappropriate.... and if i try to stop me and not being inappropriate, then i feel that i result the same because i simply shut up knowing that i'm "emanating tension and disconfort" and i feel i've "compromised myself".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never allowed me to feel "normal" and to allow me to have an "inner point" that isn't necessarily driven by anything which is said or done which is related to the "me" as my alter ego..... an "inner core" which is constant and that has an own purpose that can pursue with a "no matter what" statement.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not accepting or allowing that there could be any statement or any definition related to me that is "spoken or done" and that "live" inside someone elses because anything that "lives" into someone elses is related to the "straw man" that is OWNED by everyone else except me..... it's the ID card on which everyone can write and read everything about me.... and on which the only me that can write or read it it is my ego..... the strawman is owned by everyone except me but i belive it is me..... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for being so much attached to it and for caring so much about it to try to continuously correct and redirect everything that is written to it or, if i cannot redirect what is being written, to litterally suffer and even crying for it.... thinking that its image has been made dirty and ruined and suffering like a child whos toy had been broken by someone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when i don't know how to redirect the "writing", simply shutting up with an embarrassment smile, which is nothing more then an attempt to write a note of "acceptation" .... like for seeming the example of "the best of a bad situation".... and thus for writing a "good note" using the ID card's clichè of "i don't care and i'm better then how i've been pictured.... i show it through smiling at it because WHO DOESN'T CARE IS BECAUSE KNOWS THAT IT'S NOT TRUE" without realizing that this is actually the "emergency writing attempt" where i don't know how to protect the strawman.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably learnt this attachment to the strawman by my father, because of all those exciting speeches about "etiquette in the high society", how to "deal and behave" with firends in dinners, his "deeds" in his job career and all those discussions about how to sustain a job interview..... and i liked it because i "played good" in job interviews and i liked to brag with my father about the "good answers" i gave in my job interviews and i liked to play and discuss with him about this "writing the strawmans game"....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt by my father the way he gives importance to the "other's opinion of him", the way he judges the others and the way he behave to acquire importance to the eyes of the others and within this i commit myself to give up to what i've learnt and to give up to this continuous trying to figure out how my strawman is pictured and how it looks like.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably transferred this way of living to my daughter that i already see is behaving in my same way in many situations.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing that "urge of answer" which is an energy that arises in all my body which seems saying "you MUST do/say something !" and that if I don't do anything it's because of the FEAR of saying something that it's not appropriate and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having built a permanent tension of suppression where i can't allow me to answer or to release that "urge" and where then this urge is absorbed by my body and results in headaches and stress and in a continuous repression and suppression of my movements and my words.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having written this last forgiveness within a sense of "theatrical drama".... like a condamn that gives credit and importance to the situation in which i'm living.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, in the episode described, having lived that episode in the rage of "how dare you to fuck up with me ?" and within this more present days, for having transformed that rage in submission or "more equilibrated reactions" to better accomplish with the clichet that the strawman is required to has at my age and social environment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been totally owned by the strawman in that episode to the point of "accepting the challenge" and for having used my resources to demonstrate as rewriting the strawman in the challenge. This testifies the importance and attachment i gave to the strawman in my young age probably because of the parallelism with the need to look for identity that i had towards my parents.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having wanted to defend the strawman and for having perceived it as "threatened".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the superiority sensation that i had when slapping away the cap, perceiving it as a positive rewriting of the strawman that basically says "i don't talk too much but i can do much more then you imagine! So be worried! Fear me! I'm no good in talking but i'm good in acting! " thinking that if "the enemy " fears me he wouldn't act again towards me.... But this is rather more a rationalisation.... The truth about "the moment " was a simple RELIEF by the humiliation i felt in that moment... The fact that i sort of didn't know how to counter attack to the humiliations thrown made me feel powerless... Like if each insults was instantly "written " on the strawman and this was taking me away the strength to counterattack... The difference that i was perceiving by others was that my strawman was sort of particularly "glued"... And that any insult had always some "paragraphs" to attach to...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt reliefed by my "slap" because I've sort of discovered "another way to counterattack "... But i didn't like to hurt someone, thus the only fact of showing "what i could do" without having to hurt was a way to escape my feeling powerless... It was a way to "not believe" to what has been told to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for feeling "better and justified " in my thinking that "i don't want to hurt anybody " because many times i simply didn't "have the guts " to hurt someone.... I was simply fearing the consequencies of a direct action.... I simply was seeing it as such an unknown place that i was scared to adventure in it...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having defined my strawman "particularly glued" because it is partly seen by me or my subconscious as a victimisation way, where instead i would better say that there was something written in it that gave particular credit to what the others was saying and also i think a way of dealing with.... "Something " that was pretty unproductive.


When and as i find me in a situation that i cannot "handle anymore" and that is needed to be stopped, but i begin to think that i've gone "too far " to retire, i stop and breath.
I realise that this concept of "too far to retire " is mainly an ego concept where what i had put on the plate is my "self reputation", where i've basically understood and recognised that i've already been "possessed " and I know that the other is seeing this and the thing scares me.... And now i think that doing a "step back" would then be interpreted as a "weakness in my point or in my motivations", because the truth is that I'm still relying on "brute force and fear" to get to a point and to "win a fight ".
I commit myself to take a step back and realizing that persisting in the same error but pushing it appositely further and further to make my point bigger and to then "gain the pity" and shock the other (which is a typical Italian method) to then trying to acquire the result in a "begging" or "pretentious" way, which in any case it's based on self importance. I also commit myself to take this "step back" if this means "going in an unknown place" and in trying to resist there and trying to re assess/re direct me and the point.

When and as i see that i'm "unconsciously thinking" : "how you dare to fuck up with me ?", i stop and breath.
I realize that in that moment i'm feeling "important".... the "insult" is what makes the strawman to appear and the strawman is my "personal importance" .... and the truth is that i appreciate it because in both negative and positive way it makes me feel alive/existent/"present" ..... it's what i've confused life with. In "how you dare to fuck up with me ?" there is an importance that the other is giving me..... it's like an addiction: i don't want it but i don't want to "drop it".... it's like a drug: i don't like the side effects of it but i don't want to give up to it.... personal importance/ego is the "space" that i take for "ME"/"I" where i can "differentiate" by everyoneelse.... it's a dimension of existence ike:
- When "I" go for smoking "MY" cigarette "ALONE" and i then take "MY" time that the society "ALLOWS ME" to take. It's "MY RIGHT".
- When "I" don't say hello to someone because it's "MY RIGHT" to have "MY BAD DAY".
- When "I MOVE" in a crowded place and i have to go "THERE" but there are persons on "MY WAY" and it's "MY RIGHT" to go there.
- It's when the BOSS calls "ME" because it's "HIS RIGHT" to pretend by "ME" and to decide about "MY FUTURE".
- It's when "MY" daughter begins to hit or kick "ME" to play or when is doing something for which "I FEEL RESPONSIBLE".
- When someone insists to pay "MY COFFEE" and "I FEEL" in debt with him.
- It's when "YOU" look "AT ME" or (in the polarity) "I" look at "YOU".
- It's when "I AM TIRED" and "I" have the "RIGHT" to manifest it.
- It's when "I" stay in an elevator with "OTHER UNKNOWN PERSONS" and "I" don't know where to look (meaning that i don't know where "positioning me").
- It's when "I" have to do some road or occupy the "SAME SPACE" with someone "ELSE" and this person is "NEAR ME"... ME ME ME ME ME ME !!! Like if that person reducing my space is reducing the "ME"..... and thus i need to talk to then "take back" that space through receiving something else like personal consideration.
Personal importance is when i feel reducing the "ME" and that sensation gives me rage as "unacceptance and escaping.... fight for survival" while when is enlarging this "ME" it's like "sleeping and resting" like the lion that had just eaten.
Thus i commit myself to monitor this sensation that i've built within this list and everytime that i see this coming i breath.

When and as i see that i remember an action that made me feel superior or that i do something which leaves the others "astonished" and i perceive a superiority or where i think that i've "beaten/defeated" someone, i stop and breath.
I realize that i'm in the positive part of self importance where i feel like if i've "enlarged/protected my territory/environment" which is a mere illusion of a typical human rationalization of an animal instinct, which would be pertinent to other "spheres/dimensions" of my existence, but that had been taken and misunderstood by me as "who i am" and what characterizes the "ME".
I commit myself to breath and stop the energy generation within it, realizing that i'm not "living" in my personal importance.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 19 Mar 2015, 11:57

This is a long and not very happy memory of my 2 rabbits. This is not the memory of a single episode but rather the "conclusion".... The final "flavour/taste" that had remained within me about the almost 10 years in which I've lived with my 2 rabbits. This is how i "remember them and me in relation to them".

I was quite young, about 6 or 7 years old when with my mother we bought our first rabbit: Aladin.
It was a white rabbit with a broken ear because of a bite of another rabbit. It stayed with us for i think 2 or 3 years.
What i remember is that i played and managed it as a 6 years old child would do.... Not very carefully....
There was a sort of bland/latent awareness that the way i was playing with him wasn't nice... I wasn't beating him but i treated him more like a doll than of a living being.
I don't remember many episodes but the last one was the more important. In the last period he was used to go upside a cabinet and usually it stayed there for the most of the day. When i had to get him, the first times i used a chair to arrive at him and getting him. After some episodes i got tired of this and i used a broom to make him falling down. It was almost funny doing it with the broom and watching him while trying to slow down the "falling " through scratching the wall and the furniture.... So depending on my feeling of the moment i was choosing if using the chair or the broom.
One day used the broom to make him falling down. while falling he scratched the wall and turned upside down. He landed on the spine with a little "stonf".... he stretched the legs while laying down with the eyes wide opened and he stopped.... i didn't realize in that moment that his spine had broken..... i moved a forniture that was between us.... i still had a sort of incredulous smile on the mouth... "why isn't he moving ?" i was thinking.... i then treated him like i had always treated him: i grabbed him by the leg and pulled him with a fast movement making him sliding to the center of the room.... i was still playing.... soon i realized that he wasn't moving like he had never "not moved" before.
I took it in my hands and noticed that his body's consistence was different.... i realized he was dead.
I ran to my mother crrying and saying that Aladin was dead. At first she didn't believe me because because many other times i've joked her this way.... but when she saw him lying on the floor in that position she turned beside the wall with both the hands on the mouth while boggling.....
I cried so much.... i felt guilty.... i had maltreated/abused him till i killed him.... we buried him in a park and i promised me to come to visit him once a week. I came for almost one month.

After some times we bought another rabbit, a black one. I called him Basil.
In the early periods i continued to treat him like i did with the old one. But then i think that i redimensioned the relationship i had with him.... i think that i was going to treat him in a better way.
Then it slowly began to happen a fact that made me feel confused for many years..... Basil began to roar, bite and scratch..... it was a little tiger.... everytime that someone was approaching him he began to roar and unsheathed the claws, scratching and biting the hand in front of him.
This thing went on for many many years..... i was continuously wondering why he behaved that way.... i was thinking that it was because of the first period that i've treated him in a far more selfish way..... then i've passed the last years in trying to "be forgiven" by him.... i was caressing him just more and more.... he was roaring me but i was keeping him tight in my hands while caressing him till he wasn't roaring anymore.... but when i just loosen the grip he began again..... no matter how many times or how much i tried.... at the end he was always grumpy and angry..... i just was wanting that he was more.... playfull....
In the last period (after about 8 years !) i've lost interest in playing with him..... he didn't like to stay with anybody.... so i think i've ended to "believe him" .... accepting to "letting him alone"....
When my mother told me that she had given him away, i didn't bother about it so much..... at the end i was tired of him....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having maltreated the 2 rabbits. For having not heard the part of me that was whispering that "i was hurting him... That wasn't probably a way to be treated that he is appreciating".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used the excuse within me that he is enjoying this type of game and that "we are playing together".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably playing with him because i was feeling alone... I've always wanted to have a brother or sister to play with.... I was bored for the most of the day and that rabbit was my biggest companion. But its feedbacks were never what i would like to have... It was always running away from me.... he was never looking for me... everytime i was going to take him he tried to escape. The only thing that he does was staying in a corner of the balcony for the whole day.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving/feeling that detachment/distance between me and the rabbit (till now i've spoken about Aladin, the first rabbit) that i was trying to fill up through "pushing" in the opposite direction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having abused him doing to him any sort of "throw in the air" or launch to make him sliding on the floor ecc.... i didn't want to harm him but that sort of treatment wasn't nice for sure.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for continuing to repeat that "i was not wanting to hurt him !" as if this is the justification to the way i was looking/dealing/considering him without realizing that this way of thinking is the justification and price i pay to my sensibleness to allow me to behave that way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having lived the way of playing with him more like a "unique direction " as me towards him... without then having recognized him as a living being in which i can put and recognise me.... In which then i can "see me through him".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having abused of him making him fall down by the furniture with the broom.... Thinking that it was "more funny " in that way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for so many times hurting someone just for "playing ", never in a too big way, but just doing it because of.... Probably an act of bullysm...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for never having considered of being able of bullysm acts... Where my acts were always "little" and "just for playing ".... But always meant to show to me a "power/control " that i had towards someone else...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that i'm the one that undergo bullysm but never the one that does it.... I couldn't imagine me as one that could do "such things".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "killed my rabbit ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "badly learnt " that in my way of playing and treating him i was actually hurting him, because i hadn't realized it till i pushed me where the consequencies were unfixable.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty and "dirty " for it and for having lied at school and to everyone for so many years about how it really died.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling that what i have forgiven till now is not enough in relation to the "importance " that this episode had in my life and the "importance " that the act of killing "someone who you love" carries with it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used this episode to have fun with a frien. Because i told him the truth and in the years to come, when we were playing to "tease" each other saying the "defects " of the other, he at the end was telling me "you killed your rabbit! " and i sort of declare me "defeated "....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "bullied him" even in the end.... When he didn't move and was stuck between the wall and the furniture and i fastly pulled him by the leg... I did it in a way like if it was a toy.... Thinking to result "funny with him ".... Thinking that in a little of "bad treatment " there is fun....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for relating to other beings in what i call a "nice and enjoyable way" when being "intrusive " and "A BIT " unpolite/"violent"... Like if being a "bad person " but in a playfull and joking way would qualify me in a "good person ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not knowing how to stay and express me with someone else... Representing my need of being considered in a "violent and disrespectful manner " which is "washed-out " through presenting it in a joking and playfull manner... Like then something that should be "accepted " because of a "nice intention ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt powerless with my second rabbit, where he always roared and scratched me but i didn't know why and i felt that as an injustice...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "sorry " for his anger and sorry for making him angry with my presence and my "need of him ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for all the times that i was taking him and i was hoping that he wouldn't roar me or escaping me... But always and everytime he did it... Like i was expecting it.... And waiting for the moment he would do it.... And everytime feeling sorry for having provoked this anger....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then trying to be gentle with him, caressing him or treating him well, hoping that in this way i could be "forgiven " or accepted.... I even tried to scold and beat him.... Also threatening him to make him stop... And sometimes it worked but just because he was submitting in that moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having also challenged him, looking him straight in the eyes very closely to him... And he had never scratched me or roared me in those moments...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having pretended to behave with him as a human bein... Pretending Thus that through caressing him or showing him "attention and love" he would have appreciated me and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for than thinking in the stereotype way that to be "loved and accepted " and thus be allowed to TAKE THE COMPANIONSHIP of someone else to USE THE OTHER for our personal interest, we must show and give "care, love and attention " to the other... To be then allowed to "use the other " reciprocally " for mutual self interest.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for needing the other for the "entertainment " that we look for... Like for instance the body...touching another's body... Or playing.... Playing as entertainment and for a curiosity satisfaction... The curiosity of "seeing what happens if i do..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of having "believed him " and given up to him in the last period... Like if the time had "won" upon me....not by the perspective of "acceptance and moving on " but about something that "i'm not able to obtain".... Without then getting free of the "need " but living with the "unability" to satisfy the need.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then defined me in the "unability " to keep up with my needs/wanting.


When and as i see that i cannot obtain what i want/desire by another being and i continously see that the feedbacks are not what i was expecting, i stop and breath. I realize that maybe that what i want to obtain is of self interest.... and that now i have two choices: ONE - accepting that this need is not something real and that relates to me and that i can get rid of it. TWO - persisting in this way keeping trying till the time will invalidate all my efforts and wasting my energies.... Impersonating further and further this need as who i am till i will finally end up defeated and convinced that i'm powerless and that i'm not able to "live with who i am" and to keep up with what i need.
I commit myself then to stop what i'm doing realizing that this is not me and i try to further "feel" and investigate the "urge/need" that i'm experiencing.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 27 Mar 2015, 18:02

Today i had a job interview and after the initial compliments the interlocutor started to explain me the job facts.

As soon as i perceived that the speech was getting "to the point" and to what personally "related me" and to what i would have to "answer for" , i started to dissociate.
I mean like if i've fallen down in a "parallel reality" where everything was muffled and the focus was all inverted inside me or towards "how i am appearing/who is looking to me/the way my interlocutor is perceiving me/the signals that my interlocutor has understood what's happening within me/the signals that the others that are near me are understanding what's happening within me....".
When i see that i'm going to enter this state and also that the others around are perceiving this, i began to resist it, trying to better push my focus on what is being said and forcing me to answer and to nod.... forcing me to concentrate on the words said and on their meaning.... but at the end my perception is just of a bunch of words barely correlated, that i'm quite keen to forget very soon.... and the perception by the other side that i haven't followed the speeker for real..... the perception of "being absent".... which is true.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving that specific "alienation sensation" everytime that someone looks to me in the eyes.... this sort of "changing visual/wide angle" that is created when the sights "cross", like if there should be avoided the contact.... like if it's something forbidden.... probably inherited/learnt by the relation with my mother: continuosly being angry each other for no real reasons..... me and my mother never looked ourselves in the eyes "normally".... but just when we were fighting each other.... everytime i perceived her sight upon me i was sort of "upset" and arrogant/challenging.... ready to reply and fight.... waiting for the moment that she would tell me the next tedious thing/ the next way in which she would have punished me.... and me ready to roar against her, "spitting" on her face how much of a nothingness i was considering her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then associated the look/sight/eyes of someone to "trouble"..... a way of consideration that can only carry nothing good with it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for dissociating the most when i perceive that we are "getting to the point".... that we are talking about the "true reason" because we are here together to talk.... like saying: "ok... the game now is ended... we pass to serious things"... like if now the fun part is ended and now we talk about "serious shit".... which means that we are talking about.... surviving.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for seeing what i "HAVE" to do, as for instance my job or "speaking politely with someone", as a surviving matter... but what means surviving ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having given to the word "survive/surviving" the connotation of "preserving my biological existence" at any costs, which it means at cost of "life"..... which in other words is that i'm experiencing "fear".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing fear everytime that i listen or payattention to anything that i've defined as "important" or that i've to "answer for" .... it's something that i do to not "worsening the situation".... something that i do to not get into what i "fear".... to not "die".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "wanting to listen" to not being unpolite and to participate in "social life" because not participating in social life means "having trouble".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hating when we are talking about something that is directly or indirectly related to me.... i hate talking about something that is related to me.... it makes me feel judged.... spied.... like for instance someone that comes behind me and watches what i'm doing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing when we talk about "what i'm going to".... i feel like possessed/commanded/controlled..... and then after judeged...... i feel like "depowered" when someone talks about me.... like if with his words and with my "name" he can hold me and control me like a puppet.... and that makes me feel upset and enraged towards him.... like if that person is deciding for my future life.... "how does he dare ??" .... feeling owned like a slave that follow the orders... without realizing that accepting what i've to do means accepting my role to interact with this society.... with i'm used to despise, but because i've never allowed me to actually LIVE and accept this society and the social interaction that derives... thinking that my "role" is what is keeping me "bounded" instead of what gives me the opportunity to have a "way to express".... an opportunity...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "polluted" with negative emotions all the words like "opportunity/expression/occasion/self development/my role/my skills/preparation/my tasks..." all related to a POTENTIAL that is able to be expressed..... anything that can be developed but is "UP - TO - ME" to develope..... already manifesting the failure that i will generate.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having degenerated all these words during the job interviews that i had in my previous years where i've used these words like "i think this could be a wonderfull opportunity to my self development !" because i knew that will have a good effect on the interviewer just because i was wanting to be chosen thinking that "doesn't matter if i don't care this job or that even scares me.... the important thing is to leave opened all the doors... so that if i'm in trouble i have always a choice that i can make.... always keeping with me a PLAN B to simply..... SURVIVE !".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed the opinion and definition of me that i'm just good in "opening new opportunities to me" but destroying them all in reality.... so that my life is just a surviving fight where i take a new "opportunity" and living with it till i destroy and invalidate it so that i "run" to the next one that i've opened up and doing the same thing.... just a run for surviving that never develops in something real and nice to stay in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually "vawing around" with my eyes sight without finding a place to be because actually i don't want to BE THE ATTENTION OF SOMEONE ELSE... because i'm sort of convinced that there could be nothing of nice in this.... probably because of the relationship with my mother where when i was under her attention i had the convintion that nothing good could come out of it.... while in the "left alone" times i thought/believed to be in "peace".

When and as i see that i get into eye contact with someone else or that somebody is talking to me and i start to "vawing around " with my sight and mind in a place that has "no place", i stop and breath.
I realize that i want this sort of escaping because i basically don't want to find me there with this person that is demanding my attention because.... i don't want to BE the attention of someone else because i'm used to interpret it as if there could be nothing good in staying under the other's attention because they may find out something to "reproach" to me.
I then commit myself to remember that this was a memory construct that developed over time where i've associated my mother's oppressive behaviour exherted through her attention to me, to the attention in general of any other being.... I'M NOT TALKING WITH MY MOTHER'S MEMORY !

When and as i see that i'm hearing words like "my future/it's a good opportunity.... it's up to you to make it give it's fruits/i'm interrested in making you grow up in this reality/...." and i experience fear as "something that i've already experienced and in which i've failed", i stop and breath.
I realize that it's because of all the times where i've used dishonestly these words in my previous years just to "convince someone" because of the convintion that i need that persuasion to make me give MONEY to survive... just a matter of fearing the death in my future.... and also because it reminds me of all the opportunities that i've left to fall down and in which i've defined me as "unable".... thus i'm sort of already knowing that this "opportunity" will be deluded.... and i assume the attitude that i've to LIE to who is telling me this in wanting to convince him that i'm the right person for that, because i've no alternatives apart to take time (and money to sustain me in this time) and just hope that this time would be different.
I then commit myself to realize that i KNOW how i can LIVE in the opportunity and that i KNOW how i can direct me through it............ it's UP TO ME to do it and that IT'S POSSIBLE...... and I KNOW HOW. It's not something that i don't have as i'm used to think to.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 29 Mar 2015, 13:14

Beginning the DIP Pro! :)

I was speaking with my mother on the phone and my wife was near me.
I was trying to arrange a time to meet with her to have the keys of my mother's basement.
Conciliating a time was getting difficult, thus my wife told me "ask her to come here to bring us the keys".
I got irritated sort of thinking "who the hell do you think you are ? The princess?".
I looked her with a bit of a disappointment/despise and after a bit i asked my mother anyway because i didn't want to "open up a point " with my wife.

The trigger points were the words "ask her " - "come here " - "bring us" and the fact that it was my wife to tell me that because they don't have a nice relationship, thus i interpreted it as a "challenge ".

It's difficult to identify the backchats because i was talking at the mobile in the meantime. As i said i thought "what the hell do you think you are? The princess?.... Anyway It's better to ask, even if i know that my mother won't do that... She has never done anything for me of this type... Let's find out a way to ask her without making her upset... "

The emotions were Rage/disappointment/"had enough! " in the beginning - Resignation when deciding to ask anyway - servility/submission/guiltiness when asking to come here to my mother.

So, at the beginning i had a small look at her.... Then i sort of had a vawe around with the head and a bit of a "puff away " breathing.
Then in changing the mood i don't remember. In the last part where i asked that question anyway, my body was tightening and i probably moved my left hand while explaining, knowing that my mother wouldn't have seen my movements...

Maybe the source point is something like "don't be oppressive... Don't put your weight on the other because they will refuse you and push you away ".... As i was used to see by my mother everytime that i asked her to do something for me.... She replied me in an irritated way, saying me "who am i? Your servant? " then going away.

I've these memories and memories of paragons with my friends's mothers.... Where i continuously was thinking "his mother does this to her son but mine doesn't... ". I remember that even my friends were cheating with me on her...it was a way to play down the thing together in the end...
I remember times where i tried to ask her a favour but already knowing that it will be refused... Thus tryin to ask it in a "large and not direct/straight way "...Being submissive...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt such guiltiness in seeing my mother's reaction to the manifestation of my needs... Seeing that what i wanted /needed.... As basically what i was identified with in that moment, thus the "me... Who i was in that moment " was not only being refused, but was even provoking a removal /departure/refusal by my mother.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
to sadly remember and react to that very "familiar" reaction of my mother where i remember her voice tonality, her fast movement of the hands and the head.... Her behaviour that in that totality was just saying "i don't even want to listen to that thing! "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having within time developed a blaming answer to that behaviour where sometimes i even asked her something and i was already ready to her reaction and prepared to scream and blaming her in the next moment.... Like if i already knew that she was going to say a "no" adding a judgement to the request and to me and to herself.... But without realizing that in this way i was contributing and "calling " the negative answer.... I was actually contributing her to build it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having kept with me during time this approach... Where many times in asking something to someone, especially if it is something related to just my "sphere", i feel tension.... Guiltiness... And i've even developed a certain arrogance to hide and cope with the tension and guiltiness... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for many times projecting and creating a movie in my head of the reaction that would follow my request.... Which is a sort of "reaction in anger" were the person is vehemently shouting to me something like "YOU HAVE TO DAMN STOP TO DO THIS!! ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been arrogant for so many times and so many people in asking for help, where sometimes i was pitiful and "submissive " while sometimes cold/detached and "aggressive ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having probably identified the boss/superior figure with who is feeding me.... And thus having associated to my mother within whom i was used to "be angry with ".... Only in this year I'm trying to better behave with her but before.... I was angry with her till the first moment i saw her in the morning...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the "thank you word" where everytime someone do me what i asked for, i sort of remain with a "voidness " because the person actually did what i asked him... And i'm not used to it... Thus i try to "fill out " this unexpected result with the "thank you" word.... Like also a payback for the "weight " that i gave him.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that i know that a speach with me is going to end, feeling the "weight of how to conclude the speach "... Probably because of all the times that i spoke to my mother and where ending a speach was almost everytime a "f..k you! ".... Almost if I'm sort of used to this conflictual type of relation with everyone and if this is not the case or there is no motivation for a "bad answer" this let me stuck in an unknown environment...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for preferring to not relate to someone as i had done (and sometimes i still do...) with my mother... Where everytime that i had to relate to my mother i did from a perspective of "i just do because i should, but i don't like it!" and i was already starting by "showing this"... And thus PRETENDING what i was asking... From the starting point of "i just ask you because you SHOULD give me it! So don't question too much! " because i was already expecting a refusal by her, thus i was already starting "fighting " from the beginning... Or having an opposite "praying and submissive " attitude.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having transposed this attitude within my everyday life, especially with my office collegues... Where i don't want to have many interactions with them except the basic necessary informations that i need... And always being ready to be "screamed /scolded or attacked " as i was used with my mother, with the difference that with my mother i was "pretending " while here I'm more "begging ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that my mother came into my room to see what i was doing and if i was studying and everytime wanting to "escape " by her control through pushing her away like saying "what the hell do you want? " and stopping which ever activity i was doing...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for even everytime stopping the stereo player when she came in to not let her listen to my music because "it's mine! " and to not let her judge it because i knew that she wouldn't have liked it and i didn't want that she would have "defined and destroyed " it too.... And also to put the biggest distance/separation between us to say "i don't want that you participate in anyway to my activity! ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also putting this separation because of things that i was ashamed of instead of studying... For instance sleeping, daydreaming, distracting or also masturbating... Where then everytime that she approached me i got a further motivation for putting a distance between what i was doing and her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having replied this concept on the job where everytime someone or especially the boss comes near me i immediately put a distance between me as my activity and him, trying to cut the interaction the fastest i can, like i always have something to hide...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for always treating my boss like he is my mother that "just want to judge and fuck up with me " and thus keeping him away the best i can..... Usually even feeling guilty for the way I'm treating him because i know that he wouldn't deserve it.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this powerless sensation of being stucked in this don't wanting to put this distance and "coldness " with my boss but cannot escaping from this, because each attempt of "reducing this distance " is expressed in clumsy and awkward jokes and loughs which makes me feel ashamed and stupid.... And thus bullied and judged stupid which contribute to a further enclosure within me and a further distance with my colleagues.... Or even i "brake and suppress me " to not be judged and this contributes to the distance that i put.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then well performing in a job interview but not on the job.... Because i don't feel as judged or threatened yet because the boss it's not "my mother yet" and i sort of know that he wouldn't "scold me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reputing me a "bullshit". Meaning that present all the characteristics of a "good investment" but in reality i'm a "swindle".


When and as i see that i feel/judge/think to me as a "swindle/bullshit" i stop and breath.
I realize that no matter how much evidences i can find, because all these evidences are the result of a self consideration/way to look at me which is the responsible for what is happening to me..... it's a vicious circle that makes me judge what's happening to me under the "unable light" and then after makes me be unable for real.
I commit myself to understand and realize that I KNOW how to be able and that I KNOW how to sort out the situation.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 31 Mar 2015, 19:07

I was driving the car and my wife's brother was sitting next to me.
For all the journey i've felt his "presence" near me.... and this presence made me feel like i was "absorbed.... sinked" in the glue.... I was completely possessed in a mind state in a complete separation between my thoughts and my movements .... where for each external movement/output there was a "buffer time" between what i was chosing to do and what i was doing.
It almost reminds me an animal's technical defense which is "playing dead" whatever happens.... or even Jurassic Park: "if you don't move he can't see you!"..... while in the meantme continuosly whatching him with the eye tail.
Each movement that i was going to do should be "analyzed" and "digested" before being actuated.... and after the actuation there is another fear of the "result".... sometimes after the actuation the other person (my wife's brother in this case) emits a sign of "disconfort/acknowledgement/relaxation/end of something/effort....". When this happens i sort of subconsciously think "here we are...... he noticed something.... he noticed my state..." and in this moment in me happen a sort of "resignation/release"..... like if i'm both happy and deluded of this acknowledgement.
Deluded because i sort of think "oh no i failed another time.... he noticed THIS ME"..... and released because like finally the "disaster happened" and now i don't have to worry and preoccupy any more for "not making it happen"....
This mind state of "resignation(self judgement)/release" last for very few moments because there is suddenly the next "movement to do" and it all starts again.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt the presence of this other person near me.... in the specific way.... a person that is in my exact same position and that is "forced" to stay there with no "excaping possibilities", meaning that he "must" stay in that position and he "must" see and have my same "sight/view" which in this case includes me. Within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then feeling this mixture of sorrow and tention.... because we are sort of "forced" to stay in positions and an environment that sort of "tighten us" to be and stay in an environment that for some reasons should be "unconfortable".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing this sensation in any case where the environment is forcing me and other persons to stay in the same place, pass through the same doors, walk in the same corridor, the same elevator, the same desk close to me, the same office, the same car, the same cinema, the same metro/bus, the same table, the same street.... the same basically where we are doing the same thing together, or where what i'm doing is under the eye of someone else.


I think that probably this thing is related to my father.... when i was young and he was telling me to do something, the way i was doing it was never right. He was staring me while i was doing that thing and for so many times he shouted me "without notice" .... and it was really scaring.... he for instance said "what the hell are you doing ! Marco ! put this before and after that ! but are you stupid ? this isn't the way it should be done ! come on !".... and everytime
his voice was loud .... loud ... loud ... and instantly like an explosion..... it was like that everytime that he was asking me to do something i was expecting that in everymoment without any advice a bomb or more was going to explode.... it was like walking on a minefield. Also everytime that i was driving his car (he has always had nice cars) i was tight and rigid as a stick, because in every moment and without any advice he could jump up shouting "look at the car ! how the f..k do you bend ?! braaaaake !!".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for effectively having felt in that car like if my father was near me.... and like if every movement that i did was going to be the trigger for an explosion.... thus putting a lot of "distance/detachment" between what i wanted/needed to do and the way i was going to do it...... slowing me down the most that i can and "dulling/muffling" every movement that i was doing for trying to prevent/predict/attenuate any possible outcome.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sometimes, when i feel observed while doing anything, putting me in "strange positions" and with a tedious smile on the face.... then doing the thing in a "mechanical way" and without "knowing where to put my hands"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not "knowing where to put my hands" as if my hands are "what are exposing me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt afraid everytime that my father shouted to me without any pre-advice..... feeling that "i wasn't safe with him", where i was doing "my things" and a "bomb" exploded suddenly and a rush of adrenaline and a sudden "stiffening" of me was happening..... so much time.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for after some years having like interiorized the "minefield" .... where i knew that everytime i was going to my father, there would be these explosions everywhere and at anytime.... thus i sort of "prepared me" maintaining that mind state of stiffened/tension and slowing down any movement i was doing because of this mind instruction of "being in a dangerous place" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then intended and defined as a "dangerous place" any environment where there is an evaluation of my job and thus someone that is LOOKING TO ME or to my job and thus for.... already "stiffening me" and slowing down my movements whenever i enter in an environment of that type. Also then resulting "detached/nervous/blocked/cautious/on the defensive/on guard/ready to deny - defend - to take excuses".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for preferring to "take the distances" from everybody to sort of preserving me from "other bombs".

My father was used to "reproach me" when we were by other "families" in other houses or at special "dinners" where there were other "adults". He has always been a person very "carefull" to etiquette and to the other's opinion. For instance, when we were in visit to another family, he always told me that whatever they would offer me i can accept only one thing, but never twice. Many times it happened that there was something that i liked quite much and that i've taken it twice. In each occasion he had screamed/scolded me, sometimes (rarely) after when alone, but usually in front of everybody in the same place where we were.... really screaming it outloud that "i was a stupid ! I was fooling him in front of everybody ! And that when i do this, the other persons were thinking that he was starving me !".... this because he has always had this type of instruction where if he was feeling publically humiliated, he would pubblically "humiliate".... i'm defining it as a sort of cowardice, because of repudiating the "his" source of humiliation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt so ashamed when he was reproaching me while screaming in front of everybody.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of seeing that he was creating disconfort in the environment/situation in the middle of all the other persons and seeing that they "didn't know where to look at" and seeing that some persons were trying to "dampen" the situation through diminishing/minimalizing what happened/what i did and thus feeling then "pity"/compassion for my father that was "humiliating himself".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then judged me "superior/better" and thinking that "there wasn't the need to react" because "everybody were by my side" and that i wouldn't need to reply him..... without realizing that this was basically an excuse for the truth that i didn't have the courage to reply him and because of the thought that i was "deserving this" because at those type of dinners/meeting i "wasn't at my ease".... and thus i was feeling responsible for the way he was feeling.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt attacked in a similar way by my mother because of all the times that for instance my grandfather was coming from switzerland to see me and that she at lunch would "take advantage" of this through beginning to complain about me with him on purpose.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt sorry towards my grandfather for seeing that my mother was "ruining the lunch" and also I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, differently from my father, towards my mother having an attitude of attack/insults and diminishment..... she was my "pungiball".... the cause of all my deseases.....i would say she was "stupid as hell!"..... i thought that her purpose was ruining everything that related me, which essentially was true, but this thing was making me blind of rage towards her. While i was seeing my father as more authoritarian/respectable because "more reasonable" because he hadn't such an evident "destrudo attitude" like my mother..... he has a strong destrudo attitude too obviously, but at a young age i didn't perceive it..... i was seeing that he was apparently nice, he made a lot of jokes, he had many interesting ideas, many "friends"..... i felt him more "alive", more "powerfull".... he was playing with my friends too ! At my birthday's party he was the "magician" and i liked to "protect him" by my other friends that were trying to discover his tricks.... i had a full respect and admiration for him.... many times he was scolding/screaming at me and i was really scared in those moments but i was accepting these scaring because he was the "alternative" to my mother that never played with my friends and i was ashamed of her about how she behaved with them.... she wasn't nice and we were always fighting.

I remember of a very old episode with my father when i was i think 8: we were at my friend's house, he is an year younger then me. I met him because my father and his father at that time were great friends. It was after dinner and i remember that our fathers were cheating and me and my friend were there at the table listening to them. I remember that my friend was following their speach and often inserting in their speach saying something about the matter.... me in the meanwhile i was there just watching but without following the speach.... i probably was daydreaming as i was doing the most of the time at that age..... now that i think about it, i was really daydreaming so much of my time that my father and father's grandmother were thinking that i had hearing problems because i didn't reply when called....
At the end of the evening when coming back home my father told me that was happy for me because i didn't behave like my friend, because "it wasn't good that when the adults are talking that children talk with them" and that it was good that i had staied "by my side" without interrupting the adults. I think that that episode could have influenced my way of behaving whenever i was out with my father and other persons...


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "my father's tail" everytime that we went out with other persons.... just watching my father and everybody else while cheating like if i was only a "spectator" that couldn't interact with everyone else.... like if i had to "stay by my side" and answer just if asked.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then reducing my spontaneous interaction just to "jokes" to have a lough together while following the speach ....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having resulted to feel inappropriate/out of place when inside the group.... even being scared to receive some questions to answer.... as it usually happened when it was emerging my disconfort in staying in the group and someone was trying to "call me in" asking me something, because for so much times i've been passively participating to discussions within the group that i suppose that i began to hate to that type of moments..... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt so powerless and useless in those moments.... so much preoccupied to just move "the tiniest that i need" to not have trouble with my father.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for all those times that in replying to some questions like "how is the job going ?" which was the standard question that was being asked, already knowing that my father would have just said something after me to everyone that was there, just complaining about me like "he is always the same shiker.... he had lost another job ! He is such a delusion" while shaking the head in a long "noo noo" and looking down, or sometimes rising the voice. It was like if he had to necessarily say something after me, like to correct and getting straight what i said even if it wasn't something "bad".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt deprived of my space, of my identity and of my personality.... deprived of my interacting quality/ability/right.... deprived of the participation in a social conversation with no other option then to judge and cathegorize the conversations in which i felt put in as "useless/stupid/purposeless/for dumbs".... thus convincing me that i don't need them apart for participating to my father's life.
It was just the price to pay to stay with him..... and after some times i no longer was wanting to stay with him anymore....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having continued this attitude outside of my father's environment, like for instance with the collegues in the office or at school with my class mates.... feeling like a "discovered tail".... behaving like if there should be my "father who speaks for me" but there is no one.... thus feeling totally undercovered, like if anything that i'm saying is not being redirected and thus trying to move "as little as i can", like feeling that any step is a mistake..... and after exposing in something, passing the next 5 minutes to repeat and remuginate what i've just said and the answer received to sort of "evaluating me" as what happened was a sort of performance.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when for instance i'm going to the coffee machine or at lunch with my collegues and beginning to think "here we go again.... there is to stay there and trying to find out something to say to prop up this useless social interaction that we do just because of this MYTH of the coffee brake in the office" without realizing that this is actually me putting a judgement on what we are going to do and thus actually "creating" this feel and situation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also thinking it in a way of "oh my god.... what can i say now... ? It's the coffee moment...." and for then leaning on the wall with crossed legs like waiting for something to happen..... thus passively participating as i've learnt to do by my father and particularly when there is the boss with us.... like if "i'm not allowed to speake with adults" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that i try to overcome this obstacle, recalling a mindstate/character of "challenge".... a sort of energy that feels like "shaving my whole head from the inside" and that tighten my jaw muscles, thus an energy generation that expresses in a fast movement of the hands or a "possessed short but loud lough" or something similar.... i really think is a sort of "brute force expression" as if i'm living this moment as if i've to "brake something" which basically is this "wall of authority/seniority".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this tension of reverence towards a "superior or older person" on the job probably because of my father's way of talking to me where he was saying "Adults are always right ! Don't go against adults because you will always lose ! Maybe that they are not always right, but even when they are not right, they are right anyway !" (which means to say always yes) or even "don't talk to me or to other adults like you do with your friends" (which means to not letting you develope in considering them persons like me) or "you have to shut up and stay in your place when adults are speaking" (which means that you don't have the right to participate) "you have to obey to adults without discuss !" or also " mooove ! now !" and if i said "wait a moment please" the answer was "no moment, now ! when i call you you must sprint up ! Do you understand ?!" ...... and all the times where he just shouted "MARCO !!" with the exact purpose to freeze/paralyze/getting my whole attention/grabbing me.... his voice seemed perfectly calibrated for that purpose.... was exactly a bomb.... instant, without any advice, a bit shrill in tonality, loud just enough and really FAST.... fast like a bullet fired precisely in the heart.... it completely freezed me everytime..... i was so scared of my father.... during the day it could happen at anytime.... i began slowly to sort of "integrating" that freezed/scared sensation, like if time after time i sort of made it a usual/familiar sensation whithin which live.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having integrated that dreadful sensation and for having used it as a base to built on it the "authority concept and authority relationship" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thus trying to despise this type of teaching with my daughter or other children.... where for instance i allow them to bad answer to me or to say bad words, just because of not wanting to resemble my father dued to the bad judgement i carry of him and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for continuing to carry a bad judgement of my father's figure, trying to refusing him in anyway through not allowing me to behave in a way that may resemble him or my mother, at the expenses of the situation and within this i commit myself to let go right now of the judgement that i carry within me of my mother and father.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when coming back by my father, wanting desperately see my friends to "vent out" that horrid sensation within me of being perpetually scared and thus behaving "madly" with my friends, like for instance being hyper agitated, doing mad things that resulted "stupid and monkey like".... pretending thus that all of the expression that i was repressing before because it wasn't allowed and accepted, should then be my friends to allow and accept it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for maybe also having used my mother as another "vent valve" for all the repression that i accumulated by my father.... i'm not sure of this.... but i remember the safe sensation of "can shouting to my mum !" in the atmosphere everytime that i was coming back home....

Interestingly the exact opposite happens in a job interview.... where i feel perfectly at my ease in presenting me and the idea of me to someone else....
A job interview is the opportunity to hide my tensions and what i call fear and anxiety.... is the opportunity to present the idea of who i am and to rewrite the idea i have of me through presenting it to someone else..... when i do a job interview i result likeable because the "idea i've of me" is likeable.
Effectively i can say that there is so less of true in what i perceive that i'm saying.... even if what i'm telling are "true things" i feel that i'm lying.... and this way of lying to another person is the mirror of my way of lying to me....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used the job interview as the opportunity to re-assert a self definition through implanting the "idea of me" in someone else.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for liking a job interview because i don't have to "show practically" who i am but rather more showing who i am through "saying who i am" and thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for basically enjoying to picture this self portrait to someone else as me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of thinking that "i can say and presenting whatever i want of me because there is no possibility to check it" and this gives me the strength and safeness to "safely present me" in a fluid and outgoing way........ "i can tell you whatever i want and the fact that you don't know me gives me the safetiness that i transform in power to make you believe me".... but believing what ? That i'm as smart and enterprising as i'm showing me/being now.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having the convinction to lie and sometimes having also compromised me for that, because of my past experiences in the study, with my difficulties in concentrating and paying attention.... and i know that these things can only be seen and verified in a long term period.


When and as i see that i find me "observed" and thus putting a "stupid/tedious/tenses smile on my face", assuming a strange/static/rigid/twisted position while doing a thing.... with strangely calm and studied movements, where for instance i put on a table something paying attention to not make noises, trying then to "protect the thing" .... and all these is accompanied by a tension on the face and to the mouth muscles, i stop and breath.
I realize that i'm "protecting what i'm doing" to then protecting me, feeling threatened to be reproached like my father's memories of when he was watching and scolding me while doing something that he told me to do.
I commit myself to remember of how my father behaved with me so to better understand and realize what this pattern belongs to and thus for better understanding why this thing "isn't me".

When and as i see that i'm for instance at the coffee machine and i'm beginning to think "here we go again.... there is to stay there and trying to find something to say to prop up this useless panthomime/ritual....", i stop and breath. I realize that this judgement is the consequence of my passive approach to the situation, in which i'm self creating a motivation/way to sustain this thing that i'm forcing me to do.
I commit myself to drop down this passive approach to the situation realizing that it was related to memories and constructs and "orders"/commands, that thus are not related to who i am, that is instead an "active thing/approach".



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 05 Apr 2015, 17:17

Today i had a job interview.

It started very badly because i was talking about my previous experience and the more i was talking and the more i was "realizing" that i didn't know what to say or that what i was talking about was "not interesting" ..... thus the more i was speaking and the more i felt that what i was talking about was "not relevant/diminishing/uninteresting/devaluating".... it was like that each word or thing that i was talking about, there was a "mental state" that was "telling me": "what the f..k do they care of this ?".... it was like each word or description that would come through mind was the trigger for the next self judgement... it was like that i was "navigating" in this sea full of "images/flashback" of what i had done, but all these images were completely uncorrelated one another and whenever i chosed to "pick up" one of these to say it and the more after i was saying to me/feeling like "what the hell am i saying !!?".
The more i went on and the more i was becoming red in the face.... i was further and further dissociating me by the external environment and everytime that i was noticing the audience's reaction to this (as for instance changes of posture, eyelashes corrugated or anomalous breathing's inspirations) the dissociation was growing more and more.
My body was completely hot and the blood was rushing everywhere ! I was also tingling everywhere... everything inside me was vorticating and my mind went completely blind.... my speach became like a "dripping tap", word by word, till i decided to change topic and the things went better.

I think that the very first trigger to this downgrade escalation was that it has been told me to net reveal the name of the previous customer for company policy, but i saw that the interviewer had my CV in which there was written exactly that.... thus i began with saying the previous customer's name and adding "as it's written on the cv...". I think that this triggered this chain reaction..... where i sort of knew that i had said something that was in no way reconciliable or understandable by none of the parts: by the part of the interviewer that couldn't understand the part of "...as it's written on the cv" and by the part of the companion that told me to not say the client's name.... thinking that he interpreted this as a judgement of "stupidity" towards him .... which was actually what exactly was..... thus i've felt guilty towards him for having "offended him" telling him that he is a stupid....

**Another episode that let me quite unpleased was when i answered to a question in a straight and direct way, knowing that i was "by the right side".... i perceived that my answer was too much direct and not very "friendly".

In addition, i've felt judged and "debtor" towards the companion that was with me, because i was perceiving me as that he was depending on my ability for his personal realization and interest and i feel that the "point of view" within which he is looking to me is changed after that experience.
Also when we were down smoking a cigarette i felt i was "responsible for him" and i was feeling in duty to "take him back to me" through avoiding the silences that were developing..... thinking that the silences were dued to a judgement that was developing inside him towards me. In addition i've felt that my questions to avoid the silence were developing a discontent in him because i was putting him in a situation of being forced to talk because of being "challenged" in answering me.... thus when i perceived that disconfort i reacted in irritation, turning around and settling my glasses with the finger on the nose while smoking.

**I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having answered to that question in a"shutting up way", where i cut off anytype of human relationship and i just answered "in kind", meaning that i completely realized what he was meaning with his question and i both felt endangered by his doubt, but in the meanwhile i also felt "lucky/smart/proud" of the answer that i've found and i also couldn't wait to use it to "win"....... like a child that has found a gun on the street and he is enthusiast to use it...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "endangered/questioned"..... i also have to say that it's something that i like to do.... for instance when i'm having a chat in which i'm unable to "fit in".... in these cases i force me to participate and be pro-active.... and i usually (while listening) find something that "i don't understand/it's unclear to me/i don't get it because...." and now that i'm thinking about it, my mother usually did this or a sort of way.

I felt my mother very irritating, if there was a chat about something or somewhere that was "nice and light" she at some moment went up saying with a worried expression and voice tonality:" i'm sorry but how is it that thi was this or that ?"..... and the nice chat was becoming "heavier" because there was urge now to "justify" these findings. Once that
everybody went "...aaaaah yes ok i understood now..." the speach was ending and my mother was then coming back in her angle in silence.... this is what sometimes i did just to obsessively fit in the conversation: at some moment i "don't follow it" or even for istance on the job, everytime that someone is explaining me something there come out to me so many doubts.... stupid doubts because for the most of the time they are not pertinent, or very "aside".... just curiosity..... curiosity used and expressed just for the "face of it", that's to say to appear smart/interested/pro-active/"fitted in"/"standing on the piece".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt/defined me "absent" and "not participative" in the discussion/matter... feeling dissociated by what the other is saying.... feeling that i've to participate just because there is the need of this participation because of the "fear of the abandonment/left out" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for already feeling abandoned and left out in the beginning of the speach.... deciding in one moment that "it's not the case...." and then experiencing this dissociation made of an inner dialog and a sort of "filter" that is isolating me.... putting a "buffer" between what i'm receiving and what i'm "integrating"..... like saying "these are all bullshits that i've to cope with".... thus putting a judgement on what is said.

***

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "over valuated" when i've been presented like "architect advanced" and therefore having felt that i had to "cope up with the role/image" which i reputed an image higher/better then me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having perceived that the only things that i could think about were "not architect things" or that they were things that wouldn't qualify me/value me.... and each image or thought that i was having to talk about was like "not enough" for the audience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt for sure much more "exposed" because of a face to face relation, where if there is any type of "interface" like for instance a webcam or a phonecall, i'm feeling much more at my ease.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having falled down the vicious circle of looking for confirms in the other's behaviour, where any movement like mouth movement, posture changes, breath, eyes movements were the symptoms of an acknowledgement of "something of that was being seen"..... sort of the "true me" as what i've defined me as that was exiting out.... that i cannot hold more.... it was like feeling that the barrier was falling apart and that i was remaining naked more and more, crouching more and more in myself like a naked person on the street that is crouching in an angle with many persons around that are closing and fingering him.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having judged stupid my companion for thinking that he told me to not say the name's customer but it was written on the CV.... like thinking "what the hell are you doing ?"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that if you have to make a scam you have to do it "right" and for by the other side thinking/wanting to drop down any type of scam/swindle thinking that the others would sort of "comprehend/understand" and then have this sort of "pity" and would accept my "opening" and then give me what i "need".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having identified totally within the scam..... and this is explaining the unability to play the role within it, because in seeing me inserted in a profile which was "better" then me i've also felt the "HOLES/lacks" within "ME", like if, once i've "transformed me" into this new image, i've begun to feel,see and personalizing all the things that weren't coherent.... making me then an uncomplete being, without realizing that scams are not "bad" intrinsecally and that these are how the system works. (commit su non identificarsi)

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for going into anxiety everytime that is asked to me to play a "different role" by the one i consider me, without realizing that this means that i'm actually "playing a role" to which i'm devoted.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "paralyzed" and with an "handicap" when it has been told me that i wouldn't have to reveal the customer's name, like if it was a further "complication" that i would have to sustain to "save my future" ! and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then, when seeing that it was written on the CV, having blamed the companion for thus having made me "fear for my future".... but then suddenly/automatically feeling sorry for this judgement/blaming that i perceived towards him because of fearing that this would annoy him and i consider this a bigger "fear for my future". (commit !!!)

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt responsible for my companion's mood after the interview. I felt in debt with him because he said that i was the best in the previous interview and this "best" was an ego concept in which i identified and that i wanted to "maintain with me".... maybe that this concept was the real trigger of everything.... the real source point of the "failure" in which i've identified.... like if things were "doomed" to go that way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having wanted to maintain the "best" concept in who had defined me this way.... and thus for, after the interview, having immediately looked him, looking for approvals.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having perceived a certain "distance" in him after i looked him, without realizing that it wasn't "his distance" but it was the "closeness i was looking for " that there wasn't.... as the consideration for "compliments"..... what i was looking was the "don't worry, doesn't matter...... i still think that you are special/important !....... i'm still considering the YOU"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that in the silence the "ME" is not consider and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to avoid the silence because of the "screaming for consideration" that the "ME" is wanting and for the "BEST image" that this ME doesn't want to let go of.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for after the interview having felt the image of "o no... it happened another time... " saying that there is another ego image which is strictly correlated to the "BEST one" and which i fear and that is sort of "running behind me" while i'm trying to escape it.


When and as i see that i begin to "wonder" about what has been said as if i'm trying to "follow what's happening" or following the speach and i'm actually noticing "many many things that i don't understand" and it's rising in me the need to make some questions, i stop and breath.
I realize that i'm feeling "unfitted in" and i'm then trying to "force me in" trying to focalyze the attention through pushing through it.... but there is always something that i'm "missing" and something that makes me think to be special because "i thought about it, while others are not", whithout understanding that these questions are in essence subtleties/"obsessions"/obstinations.... thus the "expectations" that i have towards my "commitment"/obligation in trying to fit in what we are talking about.
I commit myself to realize that this isn't the way to pay attention or "fitting in" a conversation and within this i commit myself to in that moment remember about my mother's behaviour about when she was doing something like that for fitting in a conversation.

When and as i see that i'm fearing or "enjoying" a personification in a figure that i'm reputing that is not mine, i stop and breath.
First of all i realize that the "figure" that i repute "mine" is the figure in which i'm actually "identified" which isn't already real in itself, then i realize that if the "given figure" is something that i like and that i want to play with, it will soon lead me to the limit of this figure within who i am or vice versa.
Thus i commit myself to disidentify me from the image they had given me, recognizing it because it's what i've "always wanted" and "reputed me as", realizing that the fastest i will and the best i'll avoid to see the "lacks, holes" within this image.

When and as i see that i'm feeling ashamed of something that i'm saying, like for instance because of telling someone something that could be interpreted as a judgement of stupidity, i stop and breath.
I realize that this is actually the judgement that i have FOR REAL towards him and that i don't want to make it displaying because: first, i'm identifiying in him receiving this judgement and i would dislike it - second, i'm reputing the offense as a "danger for my future".
I commit myself to realize that this thing that i wouldn't like that the other would think to be judged "by me" is the way i don't want to be judged/i would like to judge in rage.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 13 Apr 2015, 18:10

Yesterday evening i've seen an old movie: "Ronin" with Robert DeNiro. This morning i woke up with a terrible heartburn, sickness and headache and i've the souspicious that the 2 things were correlated.
It was a bit of a time that i didn't suffered of heartburn and headache and also it was a bit of time that i wasn't stimulated in "that way" by a movie.

Since in early ages i had suffered of these very strong headache that sometimes had lead me to vomit. In years to come the headaches had become less violent but they were accompanied by this heartburn, which sometimes were quite strong. My mother had always suffered of this problem too to much stronger extents then me and we have always thought that mine was an "hereditary issue".

But what was that movie stimulating ? Why did i feel that way after ? That movie was talking about "secret agents".... what were the most fascinating me were the scenes where there was the "spy" sat down in the bar having a coffee. The point that the most was hitting me was the difference between the secret agent and the other persons within whom he was "merging with".... what was the most fascinating me was the difference in the purposes.... the secret agent was hiding.... and he had a "greater and deeper purpose" then what was showing off, while the other people were just doing nothing more then "losing their time".... it fascinated me the "superiority" of this purpose that was like if it was "elevating" the person doing it.
Another thing that hit me quite much was the tension, the "heartbrake" in the solar plexus during the action scenes.... where the actors did these extraordinary deeds almost careless of dieing. That sensation was something that i've been very familiar with at young ages. It was remembering me of my nightmares and of a way of "feeling alive" that i had.
Those nightmares were basically of me being chased by a dinosaur. In later ages the nightmares were changing in being chased by persons or where i was reacting and beating up those "bad guys" and i was many times much stronger then them. I ended to like those nightmares, they made me feel strong and important.
I've read that dreaming of being chased by dinosaurus means to escape by something very ancestral.
If i have to make a paragon on how i was feeling during the dream and how i felt in the real life what comes up to me was a sort of sensation of never being totally "calm" when i was young.... especially when playing with other friends. I had a behaviour that was always sort of running away by something (although if this is the first time i'm seeing it in this way...). I'm saing this because the sensation was that i was overreacting to almost everything, with very fast and uncontrolled reactions. Many persons told me that i was too much "agitated" but what did that mean .... ? I've now the doubt that each reaction or over reaction was effectively a way of escaping/getting away by something....by a "situation" that i didn't know how to deal with.... like for instance an action or a "not action" of someone dued to a "my stimulous" that i delivered and was not "satisfied" as i was expecting.... even if i wasn't aware of my expectations too.
My response to that was of basically of "automatically repeating" the action on the person or repeating the action "elsewhere" even in the "voidness".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times reacted and over reacted for almost entire days when in companionship with other friends, doing "big and fast movements " energetically, while usually ending the day quite tired and with an headache.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having these "strong reactions " like for trying to deal or even "pushing away " the sensation of not really "understanding /metabolising /digesting " what was going on.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced this especially with girls, where i felt the need of putting everything "on laugh".... Never allowing me to "slow/calm down " to really listen and "integrate" what has been told to me, instead of simply avoiding it through making it something to laugh at.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having preferred having "a laugh" to everything as a way to not deal with the thing directly, probably because one day i've found myself "nice and funny" and for having then impersonified this character, preferring it to every other situation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then having looked to every situation by a point of view of "how can i make something funny out of this ?".... i remember that there was always that question in every type of speach/interaction/relation with almost everybody.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having identified in the "funny character" which automatically imposes itself on the "other's feedback" which means the other's laugh and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having began in this way that sort of continuous autocriticism where everytime that i make a gag/sally, it is never "enough" and i then continue to repeat it in my mind to further "enhance" it and finding "better ways" to say it.... like if i'm "testing out" how does it sound/how has it sounded/how i would liked it to sound.... making me the "spectator" of myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also trying to "perpetuate a gag" trying to say always something more and more and more.... till the moment where what i say is inappropriate.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for trying to say always something "more" for this wanting of perpetuating this character in which i identified.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having chosen to impersonate this "funny character" partly because everybody were doing it: since i can remember there was this sort of challenge about who was the one that was making laugh the more.... it was this sort of easy way to "enjoy yourself".... i would define it as the most common way of mansturbating...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tried and participated to the "challenge and tournament" of "making laugh" and for having identified with that role to the extent that in some situations i was not able anymore to "produce" something new and instead using the evolution of the situation to "hook" to what is being said to make the gag/sally as my "personal contribute" to the group.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed a further and further "need of the group" because of this "climax" that helped the developement of the situation in which "hooking up" to have the expression of the "funny character", while in opposite developing a lower and lower relation ability to interact with someone singularly.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when whatching the mbar scene in the movie, having sort of identified with the "higher purpose" in within which the actors were amalgamating with the other people.... maybe like a way i was liking to look and consider me while in a crowd.... thinking that i was there for something that was more interesting/stimulating then simply staying there for "loosing time".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering a simple coffee in a bar or a walk in the park a "lost of time" and for thus looking for "something else" or something "more" than this because i'm actually perceiving me "unrealized".... like if what for the others is something cool and fun is not for me, or because of the identification in something that is recognized as "what should make you enjoy yourself" then i'm sort of waiting this sort of "enjoy" that doesn't seem to arrive..... like for instance making this sort of checklist where i say:" ok, it's a beautifull day, today it's saturday and tomorrow i don't even have to go work, the park is full of people playing, i'm here with my wife and daughter that are enjoying themselves.... what is supposed to happen ? How should i experience me ? mmmm there is something wrong in here..... where is the promise land ?".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended my life like a "doing something for obtaining a promise"..... which is basically a continuous solding out of who and what i am for reaching this "myth" which is actually what i'm already doing with desteni.... i'm trying to BUY OUT my "promise land" through writing and doing these sort of homeworks..... that are basically also "occupying/pre-occupying" my time.... where i'm continuing to live my life "occupying the time that i have" with the feeling that i'm losing it and justifying this within myself saying that this "work" will lead me to the "promise land ONE DAY".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for solding out my life/time/being to a "thought"... a fuzzy purpose.... where i continuosly feel/experience this separation between what i'm doing and "who is doing it".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling separated by my hands, my voice, my legs, my movements, my creation and the separation between "me" and the purpose within which i'm acting out.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having believed to the myth of the job, the family, the career, the vacation, the friends, the love, the parties, the alchool and drugs, the hero, the star, the war, the conspiracy, political parties ecc.... and having believed that my existence was confined and defined in the options that were presented me.... believing that it was just a matter of finding the "right one for me" and for having even deceived me in being almost convinced to have found the "right ones".... which has been quite "destructive" because what happened was that i was pursuing this idea/conviction till the moment that it was "too late" because i've been so identified with that thing that when the "chimera" was "out/exhausted" and the illusion had lost its energy and i then realized that "this was not the truth..... this is not what really satisfies me...", i had walked out my path for so long that it's now difficult and painfull to come back.... i don't even know who i am now...


When and as i see that i find me "wondering why" i'm somewhere using my "freetime" to do something that is "supposed to be enjoyable" and i also find me wondering "what's wrong now? Why it's not working ?", i stop and breath.
I realize that i've now looked for the "promise land" and that the whole purpose since i decided to go in that place was not the "right one"..... basically because of the starting point of (NOT) admitting within myself that "i don't know what to do, i don't know what satisfies me, don't know what i'm bornt for".... because i've "lost the path".....(only now i understand what does this mean....) and now i'm still paying my duty to this "chimera".
Thus i commit myself to realize that till the moment that i don't know which is my real path, one thing is equal to another.... but first of all it's important to "recollect/reconnect with me" in the moment, through abandoning the thought of "why this thing doesn't satisfy/change the perception of me ?" thus abandoning the expectation that i put in this moment.


When and as i see that i begin to repeat within me what i had just said to "catch it's sound and purpose"....trying to capture the effect that it had on the other persons and thus having made of me the "spectator of myself", i stop and breath.
I realize that this is my be a slave of this "show character" that i've developed till i was young and that i see replicated by many people and everywhere where there is this "need of laugh" and of spectatorship to satisfy and thus i continue to repeat the "show off" in my head also trying to enhance or making it better.
I commit myself to stop this repetition of the show off realizing that i'm nurturing this "show character" through the "regret that i could have done better"...... because of always finding ways of how i could have done it "better".... but better for what ? in which sense ? .... i could have "been better" in "taking my piece"..... i could have taken a BIGGER PIECE of show..... and the result of this is that i continuously show me that i'm "better in my mind rather then in the real world".


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times pictured and "acted" in my mind in a more "satisfing" way than the way i had acted in the real world to self convince me that in my mind i'm a better operson than the one that i am for real.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 15 Apr 2015, 17:23

I'm noticing that usually with my daughter i've the tendency to relate to her in an emotional way.
It's quite recurrent unfortunately..... quite everytime that she asks me something or that i have to say her something.... i'm understanding that i find difficult to relate to a child more then i thought before.
Everytime that she is going to ask me something i have a little "punch in the stomac" probably for unconsciously thinking: "oh my god.... what the hell of a strange and senseless question am i going to deal with, this time ?".
Usually also when i ask/say her something i already start to talk like "biased".
What is also interesting is that i quite always find myself talking to her in the tipical "singsong/jingle" within which the adults speak to the children, like for instance: "Helllooooo ! How aaare yooouuu ? What a beeeaauuutifuul baaaaaabyyyy !.........nooooouu noooou noooou this iiiis baaaaaad".
Interesting is that i ate and despise so much this behaviour and so many times i find myself doing it.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling tense and "put to the test" everytime that my daughter calls me, almost like if my boss is calling me, but in a different way because of sort of knowing that i've got the "knife by the handle".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that the unconscious thought/sensation of "oh my god.... what the hell of a strange and senseless question am i going to deal with, this time ?" is basically the same type of thought that i'm going to deal with everytime that my boss is calling me.... like if i already knew that what he is going to say me it would be something "not easy to understand" and that this understanding is something that is "required by me"....

I'm having the suspect that this attitude is something related to my childhood.... or better it perhaps reminds me about how the adults behave towards children, where the adults asks something to the child but the child has difficults in answering..... then the adult becomes impatient and begins to shout to the child or to put "pressure" on him.
Unluckly i don't remember about explicit episodes that i had undergone in this sense.... but i see that sometimes my wife and i have this type of approach with our daughter, thus:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for getting impatient with my daughter when i see that she is trying to avoid a question.... thinking like "aaaahhaaaa ! got you ! you are trying to f..k around with me ! how do you dare ! i won't allow you this !" without thinking instead that this is her only way that she has developed to deal with uncertainity and if i go against her in this sense i'm risking to enhance it more and more.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for enraging when i think that someone is trying to "f..k around" with me, probably for all those times where i've sort of "believed" or that i've felt "loose/easy" by someone that wanted to "f..k around " with me and that just too late i realized that i had been bullshitted. Within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been "f..ked around" by my mother and father: my mother because of the times that she screamed to me when i was saying something "against her" in which i thougt i was right, but having been scared by her for that.... my father for his "invitating smiles" that were presenting me the things in a better "light" then what were for real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having perceived me "used" by my father as if he was "satisfying" the need of "his smile" and consideration that i had to manipulate me and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having acquired this ego form of "narcisism" because of thinking that i've "something important" that the others want to "steal me" and that pushes them to manipulate me for it and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed this instinct to PROTECT this thing, even if essentially it doesn't exist or i don't even care..... just because i had begun to "believe" to the one that is manipulating and robbering me..... realizing that once i've been robbed there is a "bad sensation" that i'm experiencing.... the sensation of the "deluded expectation"..... and thus, in seeing that for instance in the case of my father: my "presence and companionship" was the thing that i perceived that has been stolen...... putting importance and value in the "companionship" as mine and the other's..... thus beginning to think that this "companionship" was the "treasure" that i was carrying within me and believing that my life as a purpose should be about "stealing companionship to others while avoiding that mine would be stolen".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then, everytime that i've felt as "deceived for something", giving value and importance to the thing that i've seen being stolen of..... or better: seen what the other wanted by me, even if i didn't directly care, and beginning to put importance/value/purpose in it..... aided by the fact that in this deception i've lost something which was maybe "really important" and that this was also a source of pain that i didn't "digest" and that went to accumulate and give further value to the "new" purpose/value that i've acquired.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reacting fastly and badly everytime that i see my daughter shouting or bad answering to me, remembering of my teachers in the elementary school and about my mother that shouted me in exactly the same way and in seeing her "inconsistency" and lack of power in this behaviour, seeing the opportunity to "crush" her the same way i've felt crushed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doing this "crush" feeling strong of the justification that i'm carrying within me in that moment of the purpose within which all is born.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also justificating me saying "i cannot allow her to develope this behaviour.... i know this is wrong.... but i really don't know how to sort out the situation.... and she must be stopped at any cost because if i allow her too much of this, one day it will acquire this as a standard behaviour...." like if:" the further she goes in this direction, the harder will be the correction".... without realizing that she had already taken this direction and that being "repressed" and making her experience the "i've lost this fight" would just make her going further and further in this direction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "using" the satisfaction and happiness of my daughter as a "show meter" to feel important towards other adults.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that she says my name feeling like "what the hell does she want now ?".... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been so much wont to every f..king time need to "say the name of the person" before starting to speak to him.... and sometimes even waiting for his answer of "yes ?" to start talking..... like if i need to establish this sort of connection/communication channel.

But how is this communication channel ? It's like the "allowance" to be "MINE whatsoever"..... i call YOUR NAME and you answering "YES" accept to put you at "MY DISPOSAL".... and because politeness REQUIRES that you answer when recalled, i use this method to manipulate you under the "threat" of being classified as "unpolite".
Me and my wife are using this method so much with our daughter and if she doesn't reply we get very angry.... it's effectively a very powerfull and very used manipulation tactic of which everybody is deeply convinced....
Calling someone by his name and expecting the answer of "disposal" is a way of forcing someone to put himself at your disposal..... using the NAME.... which is the strongest way to access to the "strawman/ego" of that person. The name is the most effective weapon we have towards another person..... it's the way we own the "self consideration" of someone else because by the pronunciation of his/her name there is an "identity/someone" that that person has to respond for. It's the "threat for your future"...... it determines who "you" will be..... everytime that we call someone that we "know" that is already able to hear us or that we know that he is "already" at our disposal, without honestly/effectively needing to check it out, we are not talking to the person but to his/(our) "society mirror"/strawman/ego.... and i can also bet that whatever comes out next from our mouth, is in that way of singsong/jingle that is characteristic of our ego/strawman way of speaking.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for for so many times having called someone by his name even if it wasn't necessary..... probably because the intent within i'm asking is "begging" or an imposition/order and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, even if the initial starting point of the question wasn't this, having put the trigger to these type of intents/emotions to the very thought of "i'm going to deal with this thing through making a question..." and the very fact that "i'm asking a question" automatically is imposing me to see the relation with the other person either a begging or an imposition/order.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably learnt this behaviour by my mother, because everytime she was asking me something, she started with my name and then with a face expression and that "jingling voice" of a begging person..... almost if she already knew that i was going to refuse her proposal..... and it was actually what was always happening..... or sometimes when by the opposite side, she ran through my door like a typhoon yelling that i've to do my homeworks right now because of this and that.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed a strong reaction to her jingling voice, where everytime i was hearing it there was an explosion of "shut the f..k up ! stop pestering me !".... i was experiencing an hate and despise towards my mother that was quite consistent and for too much time.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought and felt in these episodes like strong and powerfull by a side but "oppressed and caged" by the other.... with the need of "breath" and "getting out of here".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having inherited this behaviour by my mother, thinking that my questions and presence are an "oppression" for the present people..... thus trying to "hide me" the more that i can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having considered me like my mother and for thus interacting with everybody especially on the job expecting that my presence is provoking in the others the same reactions that i had experienced with my mother.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for using the same "oppressive mechanism" in my questions and behaviour..... putting myself always in the perspective that my presence is bulky/"too much"/unpleasent/undesired, exactly as i perceived my mother when she was at home.... and thus trying to dwindle me/making me smaller and smaller to sort of find a compromise with my existence.... like for instance giving way in the corridor or in the elevator, occupying the less space possible on the desk, speaking the less i can and without "exposing" too much.... always asking me if is this the case to "say hello" to someone or not, because it would imply an answer by the other side which could be "challenging/oppressive/demanding"..... trying then to hide me the best that i can convinced that the others are experiencing towards me the same judgement that i had for my mother.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having accepted my mother's existence presence as this is also the existence and presence of myself within this world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also interpreting and seeing the other's behaviour as the behaviour i had towards my mother in the house which was quite much of "challenge".... like if everywhere she was i was behaving like i had written on my face "get the f..k out of my way!".... thus sometimes interpreting the other's behaviour in this way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for repeating my mother's behaviour with my daughter and my wife..... feeling guilty to ask something already before and while asking it.... just knowing that if they wouldn't badly react towards me it's because the "question/demand" isn't correlated with the emotional estate within which i'm expressing it..... meaning that the question is pertinent, even if expressed with a begging or ordering emotional estate.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for anyhow seeing the "effort" by the other side to not react that feed my sense of inadequacy and the sense of being "unwanted/oppressive" that further feed the next questions of guiltiness in a vicious circle.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that that type of jingle within which we give voice to the "ego sentences" is an "authority expression" used at first by adults towards children i think to "better imprint" their words.... to make their sentences "recallable/rememberable".... more interesting to be listened and focussed.... making the sentences acquire more charm.... like also putting rhymes in a sentence....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having played this game too in the elementary school, creating stupid songs with rhymes with bad words to bully the "enemies".... which is a great example of the same thing in the "chants" in a stadium at a soccer match.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still unconsciously using these "jingles" in my sentences for instance to "assert" something or demanding something.... or defending me.... or accusing someone..... there surely is a specific "jingle" for any occasion.... and i'm sure that these jingles have the same manipulation role that our parents used towards us when in childhood..... thus studied specifically to evocate the same fears that we had when young when we were scolded by our father for instance.... and till these jingles are quite the sames almost in an international way, if someone right now decides to "attack us" using the same jingles that our father used, the effect is quite scary...... or for instance if someone is speaking to you using the same jingle that your mother used when was "pampering you".... he would result more "convincing and reassuring".....


WHen and as i see that i go into saying anything in a "jingle/singsong" way, i stop and breath. I realize that this is a manipulation tactic that either is hiding a dishonest purpose or that the words that i'm speaking are charged in some ways.
I commit myself to stop playing the jingle or rather, if this is not possible, FORCE THAT JINGLE enhancing it in a burlesque and "caricatural way" within the realization that: "if you cannot defeat your enemy, allie with it, till the moment that you become stronger".

When and as i see that i'm perceiving "attacked" by someone, maybe about something that i don't even care or that isn't so important to me, but i see that i'm like "accepting the challenge", i stop and breath.
I realize that in that moment i'm sort of believing to the other person about the importance of the thing that he is "pretending" and i'm sort of beginning to "protect it" like a treasure that represents me.... probably because all this is another thing that i've learnt....
Thus i commit myself to "whatch my emotions" in the moment to understand if the "treasure" that i'm protecting is something real or just an "ego believing", so to give myself a better direction.



User avatar
mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 22 Apr 2015, 13:27

It's very long time that i have such a "bad morning" everytime that i wake up.... i've almost reputed this as a "normal thing" because this is happening to me since i've memory, but i think it's time to take the initiative for this.
Everytime, the waking up procedure is about this: the alarm clock starts to ring at 7:30.... i snooze it 5 minutes per time till it's 8.... everytime that it rings i think: "can i stay here another bit ?.... mmmm yeah...." and i snooze it.... even if it almost seems that it wouldn't be a problem to me to wake up in that very moment, it suddenly jumps up to me the thought that: "....hang on a minute.... yes i don't perceive any particular problem in standing up right now.... but why doing it ? staying here is comfortable and it would be surely better then standing up... and i've enough time... nobody would care for 5 minutes late....".
The further this thing goes on and on and the more it's difficult to stand out of the bed.
The moment in which i'm out of the bed because "the time is arrived !" and there are no more possibilities to stay there, instantly the mind begins to run ! It doesn't run very fast.... well it doesn't run effectively..... it needs a slow start too.... :) but the thought that begins are very clear and very powerfull.... usually are never something "positive" but a very "kick in the stomach" and i'm beginning the day always very morose/sulky .... transmitting this emotion to my daughter too and we are usually bad looking each other in the first 20 minutes of the morning.
I'm now understanding that waiting to stand up till "there is no time left" and then pushing through all the resistance that i've accumulated through procrastination, could be a very example of how i'm badly building my day's begin....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed this waking up procedure since a very young age for going to school, where i litterally pushed through the time to gain the much "rest" that i can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "pegged me away" and having substantially "bad treated" me in having to deal with the short amount of time that i was forcing me to have. Where i litterally "ran out of the bed" to prepare me and also litterally running to school and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having considered this run and this "madly jumping through the crowd" as a "good healthy sport".... trying then to justify to me and to others this unusual behaviour.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having justified to me this behaviour as this basically "continuous and omnipresent tension" related to "arriving on time at school" to basically not incurring in the punishment/penality of being in late.... arriving to elaborate a justification/excuse/lie for all the times that i was in late.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed this "constant hope" that each single event would be "precisely in time" and precisely when i need it, for instance the metro or the bus.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having devided me into the "public transport polarity" where feeling happy if the bus arrives exactly when i need it, while going in apprehension/anxiety if it's in late.... trying then to eloborate some excuse or some "plan B" to deal with the situation and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having illuded me making it a "training" for an imposed self definition of who i am based on my ability of "being smart" and elaborating the "adaptability to the situation" without realizing that the adaptability to the situation is rather something that should be built BEFORE with consistency and self respect instead of falling in the situation with the "ass still naked"!

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for (probably because of this constant behaviour) having developed a denaturated "prevision tendency" to figure out every situation that i'm going to face from a starting point of "defense/excuses", already putting/convincing me of a position of disadvantage.... probably because of this habit of being always in late and then in "guiltiness". (commit)

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for even doing the opposite thing in the night, which is procrastinating and "pushing ahead" the things to do till it isn't arrived the time to "go to sleep".... like if i have this "signed time" where i should go to bed.... like if it is "unconvenient" and "annoying" going before.... as if "this is not life".... it's "not funny"....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that if i go bed before midnight i'm like "losing life".... losing enjoyment.... i feel sort of... "stupid" in just going to bed in that way because "i've no more to do".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having considered stupid and inadmissible the self admission of "i've no more to do" thinking that i'm then "missing my life".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that i whatch the clock and exclamating "oh good.... it's still early !" then thinking that i've "enough time" and thus entering in the perspective of "i can relax" where in reality this relaxation is a way of "losing time"..... it's a "waste of something" in which i for instance participate in the mind and i allow a sort of feeling of "tiredness" to come up.... like if this "having enough time" means that i have to exploit the occasion to rest..... like already assuming that whatever i'm doing during my day should be stressing and demanding, even if effectively it isn't....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then "creating this mental tiredness" when having this free time (like in the week end for instance) to have then something to play with and thus to "enjoy the waste of time" within the logic of "having the opportunity to waste something (time for instance) is the proof of happiness/realization/arrival".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for being morose/sulky in the early moment.... impatient and hurried for not being in late and then transmitting this behaviour to my daughter and also yelling and pushing her to move up, blaming her to "not be ready" and being "slow".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then developed this polarity between the "working days" and the "not ones", where the working days are the ones where everything must be done in "hurry" and with this emotion of "escaping from time" while the free days are the ones where there is this "pushing the time ahead" .... "wasting it".... always procrastinating my purposes for the day because "we are on vacation man ! relax !", thus taking the time to drink a coffee, smoke a cigarette, watching some videos on youtube.... all things that i'm not "enthusiast" to do, but i rather do for the conviction of being "enjoyable"....... like for taking this sort of revenge "towards time".... like if you are running away by someone who really scares you and when you are safe you jeer/mock at him like saying "hahahaha what are you going to do now ? you stupid !".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not making "peace with time" to then respect it and "taking respect by it".... allowing me to give up this waste of time for the conviction that this wasting would give me "more energy".... which also isn't true.... it's the exact opposite because the more i lay down doing nothing and the more i feel tired and worn-out.


When and as i see that i have the tendency to waste time, or "getting smarter/sly" through "scratching minutes" everywhere to "waste them" in the illusion of doing something "real/satisfying".... like even for instance losing me in the mind, for then reducing me in litterally running to arrive in time, i stop and breath.
I realize that i've always "blamed time" for never being "enough".... but enough for what ? For detaching me by what i don't want to face.... for never "letting me the time" to "digest" and accepting what i'm going to do.... like for instance going to work or to school... without realizing that it's not the "hope in the time" as the hope in something of external that would happen that would make me "digest" this inevitability, that can work...... but rather it's me that i have to accept the thing and going towards it.
I commit myself to everytime that i see this, trying to identify if there is one thing that i'm trying to escape by, or if it's just the habit of it and then stopping the time wasting and directing me through what i know that i've to do, for doing it in the best way i can.

When and as i see that my mind is creating images or making forecasts about things that effectively i fear, and dealing with all these with his preprogrammed schemas and sentences, i stop and breath.
I realize that all these are the results of patterns that happen by a long long time, like for instance the being always in late and finding excuses for it, or quarreling and feeling attacked by a collegue on the job.... thus my mind stores in it the memory of this as an "omnipresent situation" and continuously gives me perspectives and forecasts of what i'm going to do relating it to these old and omnipresent pattern which i think that are who i am and what persecutes me.
I commit myself to stop any participation in these forecasts attempts realizing that any of these forecasts and "dealing attempts" with these forecasts would just disempower me in the right moment because i would just see how these have been different by reality (while i've put the trust on my forecast), or even would scare me if they are as i had thought (because of reminding me of the related fear in the forecast).




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