Marco's writing

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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 01 May 2015, 12:37

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that I hear that someone tells me: “ask her/him to….” But the other person knows the referred person as well, reacting as being “bullshitted”/”overcome”/abused because of being used as “shield” for the purposes of someone else.
- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that when someone is asking me to “come here” it’s because of his laziness or something that I think that “I would be deluded of(because the fatigue to go there wouldn’t “cover” the expectations)” or because the person calling me wants to start by a “superiority position” about the matter.
- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having reacted to the "bring us " sentence as a someone that is starting from a "prevailing position " like if the person thinks to "deserve " the thing.
- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for going into reactions when i hear my wife speaking about my mother and the vice versa.

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- I remember that at school when about 17/18 (but surely in other episodes too) there was a classmate sat in the desk near mine that many times that he asked me to “ask to the prof this…”. I many times did it without questioning the thing too much. Although many times I asked something publically and I’ve been judged/bullied/teased.
- I remember (as other similar episodes) that another classmate within whom I was quarreling by a long time, that he called me making the gesture with the hand to “come here” and I did it to “not retire by the challenge” and he started doing the “asshole”(little reaction).
- I remember that when really young i sometimes asked my mother "bring me the glass" (reaction) and my mother answered me "who do you think am i? Your servant? " but sometimes she gave me it anyway with an annoyed attitude.
I also remembered that many years after there was my girlfriend 's brother (and also a friend of mine) that almost gave orders to his mother to give him these type of things and the mother was absolutely happy to do it.
- They have a very bad relation dued to a long and complex story, so everytime that someone talks about the other i immediately go into defense reaction. I remember about all the times that a friend of mine had insulted my mother with me and i had found me in a situation where by a side i was sorry for my mother's bad behaviour with my friend and by the other i was feeling offended by my friend's reaction where he was insulting my mother with me.


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- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having said the question that my classmate asked me to say while thinking “why is he asking me to say it ? Never mind ! I don’t fear this ! I don’t fear the consequencies ! If I ask him why I have to ask it, he would think that I don’t have the “guts” to do it ! I’m better than the others that always HESITATE ! Let’s do it and stop !”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that “I don’t mind the other’s judgement and if you don’t have the guts to ask it, I’ll show you that I have !”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt stupid and judged all the times that my questions had been judged the same way, till the point that I decided to ask questions in the “opposite way” that’s to say to “show me as smart and competent” and then having trained me in making complex and elaborated questions that puts in “difficult” the teacher…. To the point where I’ve found even this behavior unsatisfying and unprofitable…. Thus preferring the silence to all this.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having regretted to not having had the possibility to “go back in time” and saying him “NO ! you ask your f..king question and take responsibility for it instead of using ME for your BASTARD PURPOSES !” and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt arised my “personal importance” in this…. Having felt and defined myself as “unconsidered” or for instance “considering me” a person that is recalled/wanted/sought just to be the scapegoat/the “payer” for anyone else…. And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having victimized me in thinking that the world is “unfair” with me, thinking that the others just look at me/see me as someone to “use, for what he can give and what it could be needed by me” and thus thrown away.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having allowed and developed this situation to be created by assuming a passive role in the group, simply “tailoring” along the others and always accepting any help that had been asked to me, rarely saying “no”, both for feeling helpful/important/considered and also because I didn’t want to feel responsible of the “displeasure” of someone else. Thus having then created the definition of me into me and the others as a person that “doesn’t count nothing and is just useful to be used/squeezed”.


- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that when someone calls me, like for instance in my family, it’s because of a laziness point that the other has to absolve.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for criticizing/reacting to my wife when she calls our daughter to scold her and she says for instance “Andriana come here !” with a voice that doesn’t promise anything good and then she scolds her for something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for remembering when my boss calls me saying that he “has to talk with me” that makes me to assume that there is a “scold arriving”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having this image/scene that I don’t directly remember and I think it’s something partially self created about this “group of adults” where one of them calls me to come there and they are all there looking to me while one of them speaks to me about something that “it wasn’t right about me/ that I had done”…. And all those persons were there “thinking the same thing about me” and the fact that they are there contributes to give “more weight” to the words of that person…. As like the same words are spoken by many persons that contributes to the development of a “wrongness” in me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having “kept with me” some episodes of my childhood where I was “called to come here” by other persons…. That could be for many reasons: because there was an “entire group” that wanted me…. Or because the one who called me wanted to “do the asshole” with me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that “I cannot retire to a challenge” without understanding that “I’ve already lost” !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that the challenge that really matters is not accepting to fall down in the challenge ! I’ve lost so many challenges in my life ! Even the ones that I thought I had “win” in reality I’ve “lost”.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended my mother's behaviour as if if i want a thing it wasn't "right" that someone else would take care of my wantings and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then almost be ashamed of my needs as something to almost hide to the others as something that should not "concern " other persons because these things are "annoying in itself ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then considered "annoying " my needings and thus having tried to not giving them my consideration or even considering them as something to avoid.... Weaknesses... Something to be then "bothered of".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then now reacting in guiltiness and fear when finding myself asking for a "pleasure " or something that I need just for me "personally " but that i need the other to absolve..... Especially in a job place where then exist figures referable to authorities like my mother When young.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times done the polarity with for instance friends or with figures that i felt at ease with, asking to accomplish many types of "personal tasks " (like for instance my wife or friends) in a quite pretending way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt a despise reaction seeing my friend's behaviour in thinking that i'm better than them because i was more "right /straight " and that i had to thank my mother for having taught me to be "independent and respectful " of the others.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having remained almost disgusted by the "servilism " of those mothers.... Having despised them for having "fallen so much down".

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for going into a defense reaction every time that someone talks about the other as if i have to protect the "part of me " that is being attacked and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having defined my mother and my wife as part of me that i have to depend by and then to "offend and defend " without any type of contextualisation, but just for preserving or fearing to "let die" these dependencies.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been ashamed of how my mother was treating my friends or persons that i was related with, knowing that somehow i would have to respond for my mother 's behaviour... Feeling responsible for the "bounds " that i felt with my mother and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having also publically despised my mother to "put my bounds " in the perspective of something that i'm not responsible for and that i don't want.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when my friends were complaining with me about my mother 's behaviour and even insulting her, having found stuck between my mother's despise and my identification in her/my friend 's understanding and the wanting to defend me as insulting_stopping him.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having reacted in silence, looking away, not actions, suppression.... Having always repressed me to avoid a specific direction... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that if any reaction was "wrong " the best thing to do was reverting the action towards "me".



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 03 May 2015, 16:49

- what the hell do you think you are? The princess?
- Anyway It's better to ask, even if i know that my mother won't do that...
- She has never done anything for me of this type...
- Let's find out a way to ask her without making her upset...

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- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having judged my wife…. For thinking that she is reputing herself “better/higer” than me and my mother.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having hated her because of my thinking that she is reputing herself “more deserving than me”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having hated a “more deserving” person than me for seeing her as a threat onto me and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering a person that feels “higer than me” a threat as someone that has “the power “ to make me do or making me accept something that I don’t want.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the person “has power” in the moment that he “believes” to be more deserving, without realizing that believing to be more deserving is an ego possession that gives just energy, not power.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having confused energy with personal power.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing a person that “believes to deserve” because what you believe it’s what gives you power, without realizing that this is actually “what I’m believing in” and thus what directs me when I see someone that “believes in something that he deserves”.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having decided to ask anyway that question to my mother, even if I knew that answer wouldn’t be positive, just to be “diplomatic” between the 2 of them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that whatever I do, I would pay bad consequencies, because there were 2 persons “believing to deserve”, so there was a “battle arriving” in which I had to decide the “side” to stay and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having choosed my wife’s side because my mother allowed me more “tactical action”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having relied on the “hope”/”the possibility” that my mother would have “accepted” the request…. Thinking that “why not trying ? something not sure to happen is always better than something sure that won’t happen…” and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having many times “relied on this time”… like a naïve way of saying “maybe this time would be different by the previous one”…

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having taken the “maybe this time would be different by the previous one” as just an excuse because it’s the option that basically allows me to gain a little bit of more time.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made of procrastination and hope, the automated response for fear.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having “lost trust” in my mother and for having then put me in the perspective of a refusal.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having lost trust in me and in my “right to deserve” to ask a question, remembering about all the times where a question had been answered in a “bad way” because of the believing of the other to “NOT DESERVE” to be put in the position of considering this question.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then developed the fear to face the believing of someone to deserve/not deserve something.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of accepted the point within me trying to “play as the point requires”… trying then to “submit me” in asking in the most submissive and “detached” way to come to us to bring us the keys.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having played “as the fear ruled”, with then being “ashamed” of what I was going to ask, trying to already “predict” and “re-create” the submission attempt that I believed that the “indignant answer” of my mother would have tried to provoke in me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tried to “take control/take to me/be the controller” of the “submission attempt” that I was expecting to receive by my mother…. Thinking that it is better to “anticipate the submission in the question, instead of RECEIVING the submission by the other”.


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- Rage/disappointment/"had enough! " in the beginning
- Resignation when deciding to ask anyway
- servility/submission/guiltiness when asking to come here to my mother.

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- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced Rage/disappointment/”had enough” like thinking “another f..ing time !??”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought “another f…ing time !??” where my wife doesn’t understand that what is asking is something egohistical/not applicable/something to be ashamed of and that would put me in an uncomfortable position.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having defined positions as “uncomfortable” as something that would lead to consequencies that I don’t know how to deal with… conequencies that I already recognized and that I’ve already experienced/passed through as feeling responsible to disappoint someone in a way or another… without realizing that maybe this “disappointment” is something that I believe that will happen dued to past situations that this one remembers me.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced resignation and asking anyway having used as excuse that this “disappointment” is something that I believe that will happen dued to past situations that this one remembers me…. So using this as an excuse for “resignation” and hope in a different result.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced resignation as the “inevitability” to provoke the rage for disappointment of someone as this would mean to be the one that would undergo this rage and accepting and allowing me to “take the consequencies because of someone else’s will”.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I should be the one to “play as someone else is singing”, without realizing that everytime that I feel “trapped” by someone’s will, as if I’m feeling stucked by a “due”…. A “judgement”….a “binding/bond”….a “social convention”, I can have the ability to not necessarily play as it…

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced resignation as if “I’m trapped”…. But trapped in a self created schema that I think that I have to observe and respect.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing sevility/submission/guiltiness after having felt resignated, while asking my mother what my wife asked me to ask her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt sevility/submission/guiltiness as the outcome of my acceptance to resignation as the consequencies that I was expecting by this resignation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended “resignation” as the acceptance to undergo humiliation and submission and thus for having then recreated those by myself for first.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created by myself exactly what I was expecting to happen… having used voice and words of submission and shame.


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- So, at the beginning i had a small look at her....
- Then i sort of had a vawe around with the head and a bit of a "puff away " breathing.
- In the last part where i asked that question anyway, my body was tightening and i probably moved my left hand while explaining, knowing that my mother wouldn't have seen my movements...

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- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had a small look at her like saying “…. Really ?... / …. Seriously ?....“.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thus “taken consciousness”… accepted the thing… challenged her in seeing if she would forreal expecting that question.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had a vawe around with the head and a bit of a "puff away " breathing as the last attempt to manifest my disappointment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably manifested the disappointment because of having already “decided to bend/accomplish” the requirement.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having understand that doing a disappointment expression already means having “lost” as the only thing that is allowed me to do/that rest/remains me to do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that a disappointment expression is the expression of “bending/humiliation/submission”.

- I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tightened my body, like to resist an “hit”…. To counterbalance an attack… feeling like if something unpleasant would arrive onto me and will hurt me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having feared the consequencies of my words as what would lead me to something dangerous to happen to me… thus tightening my body to repair me by the effects of my same words.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having moved the hand while speaking to the phone, like for helping me to give strength to my words and to pass to…. “counter attack”.



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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 06 May 2015, 19:05

Today at work it happened something very usual.
We were in the refectory and i was the first ready "to eat" and i began. When a colleague saw me exclamated "nooooo so you didn't wait for us to begin? Nooo nooo nooo ". It wasn't a real observation, it was just more a way to "play and interact" with me and i knew it...
I then felt in the position to reply to this "accuse" in some way.... With the subconscious intent to "change the position of inferiority " in which I've felt put in.... But i didn't really knew how....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times felt put in this position, where someone puts me in an "inferiority position " to play this
game of interaction.... Where i feel the need to "defend me " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times ended to "subduly insult" the other as my only way of exiting this unwanted position... To Then feel superior in this way, but then feeling guilty and "separated" after for having "badly answered ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having renounced to "badly reply " to the other, reverting then the "putting in inferiority " onto myself... Saying Something bad or stupid about me, just to take a mediation between the "need of answer" as the need to change and take under my control the position in which I've felt put in - and the not wanting to insult someone else and then feeling guilty about how i've treated him and then feeling an "asshole".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then many times just shut up to not deal with the weight of self "debilitating me" as the alternative... And within this finding me an asshole or a "not good companion" or a "not smart person " anyway....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having judged this way of interacting and for having so many times thought "what the f..ck do you want? Shut up away from me! "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times done the same thing and been the same.... Where i used an excuse to interact with someone, that allowed me to start by a superiority position

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having recurred to this intermediation between the "need to interact " and the "fear of an interaction"... Which This end result just shows me as an asshole.... A bully.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "inferior/under pressure " for the need of having an interaction (as what i've been convinced to have in work places) and the sensation of not being able to sustain it.... Thus putting on the other the "weight " to sustain this interaction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling tightening and freezing when seeing that someone is doing this to me... Feeling the breath stopping and going in alert modality where i litterally go through the moment in a "searching way" in my mind for possible solutions, thus abdicating to me and who i am to "preserve me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doing the movements of who doesn't "want to stay there" like looking away, looking the other's eyes to "take the distance, moving away "for first", assuming a "masked position" like leaning on the wall with crossed legs and arms.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling pressure and disconfort everytime that i see myself with other persons in the silence... Like when the person that has talked till now suddenly leaves... And all the others find themselves in the silence, looking each other in the eyes.... And there is embarrasse, almost thinking "now that the one speaking has left what are we grouped together for? Let's find something to talk about or let's leave ".... The sudden moment in which the talking one leaves and we then are able to "look at each other in the silence" i experience a great disconfort... Especially when we are just 2 remaining.... It's like I'm thinking "am i here because i want /need you or we were just here because of the other one that has just left? ".


When and as i see that I'm starting a conversation to "be nice" using a "fault pretext of the other " or when the same thing is done onto me, i stop and breath.
I realize that the other/me is dealing with a want/need to have an interaction because of the system's belief that when we are in ricreative moment this means that we have to "ricreate " in this jokes interaction way, thus this is an attempt to deal with this "duty pression" that makes us feel inadequate and inferior and thus we have to discharge this bad emotion on the other through starting the conversation by a "dominant position".
I commit myself to stop and realize that it all starts from the need of "justifying the staying together " without realizing that there isn't any "need".

When and as i see that i go into stop breathing, putting me in "masked positions" , looking away or trying to find a reasonable and rehabilitating answer, i stop and breath.
I realize that these are the signs that i'm finding me in an uncomfortable position from which i'm wanting to escape awa.
I commit myself to take a breath and observe how I'm behaving but within "letting me act", thus without trying to correct me or changing the movements.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for many times having tried to "correct my movements and position " as allowing my "first reaction " as the way of dealing with any "issue " that I've learnt by the system as basically a "negation " of what I'm doing as saying "no!.... I'm not doing this!.... " Without realizing that correcting the outcomes doesn't correct the starting point... Thus i commit myself to maintain that position as the first acceptance of what I'm dealing with.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 12 May 2015, 20:40

Some days ago, in a meeting at work, i was listening to someone speaking and he was describing an issue. I then asked for an explanation, like if it actually exists a particular thing, which in that case it could solve the issue.
When i did the question i had clearly in mind why i was asking that and which was the purpose of that question. The first answer seemed quite testily/irritated because it began with "so what?! " and it went quite straight on, as it was obvious that wasn't right.
When i experienced this sensation of "it's obvious that it isn't right " i sort of stopped listening (focussing on "what is he doing to me? "... Trying to automatically sort out what was going on of so unexpected) and i suddenly forgot what was that i intended when making the question.... I wasn't able to explain "why" i did that question and what was the target that i wanted to understand/sort out.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been quite impulsive in making the question.... Starting by the assumption that it should be "obvious" that something like that should have been already handled and that if it was, there could be an easy solution for the issue.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "been" that assumption in making it a point of superiority and thus making it a way to "attack " the group as "guys!? That's obvious! Are you mad? ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having taken revenge for having felt so much "in doubt " against such an easy solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt attacked... and very "disarmed" because actually i was thinking to me as the one that was "attacking "... right to say what I was saying... almost expecting that there would be a bit of a silence after my intervention... a bit of "comprehension " towards the situation that I was recalling/describing.... where if I was right the solution would be obvious, if I was wrong there would be a "brotherhood complaining".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reminding me of my mother in doing these "exploit" .... and I was hating my mother in those moments, where without any advice she began to move her arms around, fastly moving the head, rising the voice and pretending to be "right" for something there was basically nothing to be "right or wrong".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also remembering about my uncles doing this and even my father in similar ways.... and I remember that when it was happening when young, I was wondering what could I have done to deserve that type of anger /reaction...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had so many times these types of reactions.... I was even "daydreaming " these reactions, when for instance I fantasized of different scenarios where I ended to be "right" and doing these type of "exploit" that in the beginning were "counter attacked " but at the end were rightened and allowed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having allowed these reactions as a result of INDIGNATION .... where I was indignated that people wouldn't consider something that I repute "obvious and natural ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering obvious something that I should have the RIGHT to be fed with..... something that I feel "joked by" because for instance other persons don't have the same problem because for them it's "obvious " the solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reacting in "my mother way" when I see that the problem is "too much" for me and I begin to loose "faith"... and thus when I see a solution or the source of the problem as someone else's lack, I allow me the "my mother's reaction " where I do this "exploit " for which I feel allowed and rightened to be understood and justified by the present persons.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having seen in the other's inability to solve the problem the "my inability to solve the problem " for having identified me in the "group's sustainability strength ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, in feeling indignated for the disrespect of what I considered "obvious", feeling threatened for a pattern that I consider "fundamental"... as something that I cannot give up to.... something I use as emergency pattern.... something I use to defend me an thus that I use to have the other's approval.

When and as I see that I'm "losing faith" in me as the group and that I'm starting to want to "claim an obvious point " that I REQUIRE/CLAIM to have at our/my disposal, that I consider ABSURD to not consider, I stop and breath.
I realize that this is my mother's reminiscence of the way she was dealing with a point that she was not understanding because of a referred scenario for which she had a "clear" dealing pattern and that was feeling it as threatened.
Thus I commit myself to breath down and re assessing the starting point of the question. Thus not as something that I PRETEND that should be considered (because not doing it would be a "shame") but rather an available solution or also a request that has a common sense to ask for.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 19 May 2015, 09:22

Yesterday night I've watched Rocky 3.
That movie reminded me about the times that I was boxing. In that period the interesting thing was that everywhere I was I had the tendency to "throw punches in the air"... like for instance if I was in a public toilet and I was alone waiting for my turnover, I was beginning to throw punches to the wall in boxing way, but without hitting it ... that was happening so many times during the day.... or for instance giving "technical kicks " to things, when I was alone.
It was quite a time that this wasn't happening to me anymore... but interestingly after that movie I felt the need to do those types of moving and scenes .... and even fantasizing about my "inner perception " of me in the "Rocky situation ".
I was quite excited and galvanized.
The next day I was perceiving that an old "sublayer " of me had been like activated.... a being estate that I was thinking of getting ridden of....
It was the old estate of feeling not at ease.... where I get in alert state quite soon, where I feel offended.... where I think that I don't know what to do or how to behave with colleagues during coffee break because all my attention is on their posture/movements/face expression/breathing style/reactions to my movements -words -behavior .... totally giving up to me to go in this that I cannot describe in any other terms then "fear modality/survival mode/feeling threatened/danger perceived...... ISOLATING ME THROUGH THE OBSERVATION OF WHAT I WANT TO ISOLATE ME BY".

The interesting thing was that when I was feeling in this "old well known estate ", when I was alone and not felt observed, I was giving punches and kicks to the air in this boxing way... like if when alone I felt allowed to discover my "true intents".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this useless urge of giving technical boxing punches and kicks in the air, when I don't feel observed.... and be ashamed if someone sees me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thus living in this perpetual attack and defense estate.... where I feel the urge to express my attack capabilities and some attack "things " .... needing to let go of this "fight for life" and to express an active role in this "threatens turmoil".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself having began with boxing at 16 when I was in college, and thus when I was feeling threatened/alone/defensive the most of the time. Having used the punching bag to do to it what morality, fear of cconsequences and fear of weakness didn't allow me to express in the moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having self convinced me that I didn't need to express boxing in the moment, making it a superb matter...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made of boxing the "art of my weakness " ! Having find a way to suppress whatever happened to me in the moment for them discharging it later and on something that was completely unrelated with anything, without realizing that the punching bag had unrelated me from anything that related to my life....giving up to the possibility to direct the situation to gain a "risk free method ", without understanding that that method wasn't risk free but just a way to "silently delay the loss ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having separated/unrelated me also by the environments in which I live, intending them as places that "look to me" waiting for a weak point to attack me with.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for knowing my "weak points " like dressing or my bear for instance, and for walking in the "environment" like "badly looking" when I see people, like for preventing the hypothetical attack dued to what I repute a "weak point".... like already know that these things are what the others are seeing... almost being sure of it.

Last night I did a dream. I was at the supermarket with my wife and it was before going at work. I was bad dressed, with just a white shirt and without even the underpants... I was almost naked. I didn't care of it too much, like thinking "doesn't matter, nobody knows me". Suddenly I see the job boss in the supermarket. He looked at me but he pretended nothing happened. He just had that serious expression of whom just disapprove what had seen but is going to "wonder about it".... like something that cannot directly tell me because it's not something easy to say or something that is "directly pertinent " to him.... but it is going to have consequences anyway.
After that I felt ashamed and I then put on the "job trousers ".... the suit trousers... now I work in a bank and we have to dress that way.... I hate it...
But I didn't have the underpants and in some ways I knew that the boss knew about it.
Many times I've dreamt to be naked at the supermarket.... the oldest one was when young. I was there and dressed in this same way. I was sat on that "opened refrigerator" of the supermarkets and an unknown man approached me and told me something like:"if your parents don't even give you something to dress I can give you help" and similar things but I don't remember.... the concept was that he had pity of me and was ready to give me help. In that moment the dream ended.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for intending my job as the "supermarket"... then just what sustains and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for seeing the supermarket as what I'm dependent by.... always thinking, when I enter it, that my salary is gained "to be spent here" and always thinking that I'm going to spend "too much money here !" (Also always saying it to my wife and complaining with her to spend too much)... indicating the fear to remain "without food"....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering the fact that I can allow me to go to supermarket as a "luck " that I have to protect and that I'm in permanent risk to loose ... because I don't consider me a "lucky one" that can afford me the food as a clear and self standing point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for remembering about my mother that when I was young and together in the supermarket, every time that I asked for something she always had a bad look at me (with a fast glance and obscure eyes) and in a worried and reprehensible and angry tonality was saying me "what are these vices ?! Moneys will finish going this way !".... or buying me that thing after a sort of "sacrificed and angry " scenes..... where at the end I was guilty for having put my mother in that estate... and guilty for "being so demanding/having so many needs that puts my mother in this unpleasant situations ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that it wasn't me to have pretending needs or me "doing this to my mother " but my mother's way of seeing all this and me believing her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for many times "bad wearing " almost on purpose.... I've never cared about dressing (apart from rare cases) and many times I've been criticized for this. As result many times I feel observed and "under critic". For instance if I think that I'm bad dressed in an environment I would then begin to observe/look the persons that are around me, trying to understand who are the ones that are thinking that I'm "bad dressed ".... or looking at them thinking that they're thinking that I'm bad dressed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I've to "defend me" from who is thinking that I'm bad dressed and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt attacked/discussed and for having entered in my automated defensive mechanism (energy spreaded in the chest, blank mind, mind running to think about something behind hiding, looking straight in the eyes) and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of entering the same state just when I see somebody looking at me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt ashamed when my boss looked at me and he was "not approving " what he saw and pretended nothing happened, as this is what I always think it happens... that there is always something "wrong with me" that he doesn't tell me and I continuously try to figure out what it could be, without realizing that maybe that what he doesn't approve is exactly my unconscious behavior of this trying to figure out what he is "wondering now"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that this thinking that there should always be something that makes the boss "wonder " everytime that he sees me, it's a matter of "personal importance " where I feel to deserve attention .... the attention of when I feel totally rigid and a blaze/flush fulfill my whole body, where my head is suddenly hot and the jaw is tight... I cannot do anything but watch the person while pretending to do anything else.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hiding the hypothetical "bad thing " behind the "elegant trousers "... where the elegant trousers are the activity under which I'm hiding when he sees me, like for instance watching the monitor, doing up and down with the mouse wheel and compulsively opening and closing the Windows on the monitor.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling like "without the underpants under the elegant trousers " .... sort of knowing that even if I'm hiding behind the computer the boss "knows" what lies behind.... but the fact that I'm "hidden " doesn't allow the person to have a more direct approach to me as the critic to do to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for continuing to hide "from me" behind the monitor... thinking that till I'm "behind the monitor " I can "defend me" for the moment i "need to defend me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having divided the people in the job place in "persons they can f..k off if they see me naked" or persons that I feel "threatened by if they see me naked" .... thinking that who is me is not "right " for anyone... can be "attacked by anyone " and thus making a distinction between "dangerous ones and not".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that my habits as "who I am" is not something "acceptable " for people.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having associated to the way I deal and organize things a "strange way".... something that results unique but that it's not understood and that I fatigue to accept by myself first..... maybe for a a way of thinking to me related to the thing like being "smarter then the others "... assuming that others see the same thing as a "problem " just as I do.... but I'm the one that had find a "solution "to it and I don't care of applying it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having dreamt when young of someone that had pity of me.... that "adult" talking to me had a voice that now I hate.... it resembles me a "soul less voice " ... the one that is just a "I should do it to deal with my conscience " pattern.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt ashamed of that help proposal but within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably having taken this example as a "lifestyle way" of waiting that someone would give me this "help offer".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for living in this duality of "waiting for someone to help me" and "being ashamed of that"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hating that "soulless voice " of the person giving me help, knowing that this help is the one that I give when dealing with my conscience.... feeling that it's not a "good sensation " having to "give myself away" if I don't want to experience guiltiness ... feeling then that person is giving me his help not because he "respects me" but to not incurr in self sufference .... this for not feeling "loved " by that person.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "naked in the supermarket " like one that is not seen "rightened" and that should "hide himself" /being ashamed to take what he needs, probably because of all the times that my mother had punished me for what I wanted... probably for having made me feel ashamed and guilty for what I was "pretending by her"... even if I wasn't feeling as "pretending" but her sort of convinced me that my behavior and my wantings were something that was being "taken away" from her.... this would explain many other dreams.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having associated my mother to a supermarket as the person that was satisfying my needing.... although a child don't have any other way to look at his parents...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having desired another person that would help me and thus that would take care of me through the ACCEPTANCE of my condition as "my way of seeing me as naked!" and therefore that that person is STARTING by the idea that I've built of me as naked.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having accepted the idea of me as naked and then expected that (probably because of my young age) someone else would take me as a "no other options scenario ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably abused of other person's conscience through putting me in a needing position and expecting "that person in the supermarket ".... almost having accepted that dream as something to which "voting me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having probably developed this "fighting style " to deal with the persons who see me naked. Probably as an evolution of the way that I've felt criticized by my mother..... probably was for that reason that I wasn't able to "defend me too much" by the bullies attacks... probably because of this already existing self definition of "naked"/not deserving.... where I was so much already ashamed and guilty about me that I didn't have the input/will/standing point to affirm my position and my "rightness " .... more and more self convincing me that these insults and situations didn't affect me only to justify keeping on with existence.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed that strength and fighting style to sort of "gain" the "supermarket right" as this gaining my right to the existence.... gaining strength for an hypothetical attack to deprive me of what I need to exist... my supermarket... where the persons that judges me, at least doesn't scare me by a more "concrete " point of view.... finding a sort of "peace " in knowing that if their attack would be realized at a "ultimate level " (aka fighting) I would prevail in them.... and then feeling comfortable and reassured.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then going up and down the streets moving arms and legs in a boxing style as feeling in the positive polarity of this reassuring mechanism.... feeling that despite of the feeling "naked" in the job place or on the street, I can count on my strength that would assure me the supermarket access.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling not at ease when someone is "going to look at me" for seeing me as naked and for being afraid of being seen/recognized/discovered as unable/inappropriate of being here in the supermarket.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having put in my boss probably that person once stopped for me offering his help to sustain me that time naked in the supermarket and probably thus looking to him as my parents substitute.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to "catch the signs" of the others seeing me "naked " like sights/coughs/anomalous breath... and also I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself ffor provoking these signs with my "attention to catching these signs ".... entering in this vicious circle where this attention to these signs for reputing me naked is what provoke these signs.


When and as I see that I feel the presence of someone that is approaching me and that is going to be aware of my presence, then I'm becoming "apprehensive" I stop and breath.
I realize that the apprehension is because of reputing me "naked" in the environment, as if the persons would look at me and feeling justified to reproach me.... like feeling that the way I'm behaving/existing in that environment is "offensive "/unbearable for the others in that environment, but that's also "not my fault" and thus I'm trying to "scream" this "not my fault " by badly looking and "defending me" by all the presents.... like "looking them before they look at me" to challenge who is going to "openly exposing the thing ".
Thus I commit myself to visualize myself "dressed " everytime that I feel myself naked, at least for the first period.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 20 May 2015, 19:12

Today I've spoken with my mother for a favor, but my mother didn't want to accept because it would be a favor to my wife too and she hates her.
She doesn't like my wife because her point of view is that she "took advantage of her" and she doesn't like the idea that my wife would "enjoy " other things related to her.
I think that I've felt in that situation again "pushed naked in the supermarket ".... where she wouldn't provide me what I need and feeling not deserving that treatment. The only thing that I could say was "this thing is very bad mum....", feeling totally powerless and undergoing a situation that was a deliberate privation of something that I "needed ".... for a guiltiness that I don't feel.... or yes ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty for not having satisfied my mother's expectations in taking wife.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having hated her for having imposed me to choose between my wantings and hers, putting me in the position of losing something in any case and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having inherited by her a judgement towards my wife, convinced to have compromised me in staying with her, by sometimes seeing her the same way and the same "defects" that my mother is convinced that she has and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hating my mother for the (false)"awareness" that she gave me in how I've compromised me.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 01 Jun 2015, 09:58

- what the hell do you think you are? The princess?
- Anyway It's better to ask, even if i know that my mother won't do that...
- She has never done anything for me of this type...
- Let's find out a way to ask her without making her upset...

------

When and as I see that i react in thinking "what the hell do you think you are ? The princess?" when hearing words like "ask her/come here/bring us", I stop and breath.
I realize that I'm fearing that person because he is "convinced to be right/to deserve" the things he is asking and thus this conviction is what "gives him power" and thus I'm fearing this power because I think it's the power of controlling me and making me doing what I don't want to. Without realizing that real power is not given by an energy construct.
I thus commit myself to not react in judgement towards thus person, but putting myself in the acceptance mind state that if this person is convinced to deserve, if I don't satisfy him, a conflict would be inevitable.... thus i've to accept the refusal and the conflict without taking it personally and pushing through it in stability and assessing the points without "challenges" of any type.


When and as I see that i find myself "stuck between 2 opposite powers " and I try to follow "one power" because it is giving me the chance to "rely on this time", meaning that it gives me the hope that "this time could be different ", I stop and breath.
I realize that this is a procrastination pattern that activates when I cannot "let go/giving up" of a "relationship dimension".... where I don't want to be responsible for changing the relationship with someone, as the direction that that person gave to this relationship through a request. But I don't want to change relationship with the other person either, thus I rely on the "hope" that it wouldn't happen.
Thus I commit myself to GIVE UP to the relationship with this or those persons as I've always intended it, meaning to GIVE UP to the sense of "safeness" that this relationship gives me and slowly pushing through the "uncertainty" that I've always feared to be in, which hides behind that relationship, built exactly for this purpose.


When and as I see that I'm asking something or trying to explain something while already expecting a bad reaction and thus already "submitting me" with the voice /words/enlarging the speech .... basically trying to "anticipate" the submission sensation that I'm expecting by the other, I stop and breath.
I realize that I'm just recreating the experience of the submission that I was used to when saying or doing something that was going against what I thought were my mother's or father's likes as what they had "tought" me to "repress" and be ashamed of, knowing that this attitude is what provokes in the other the reaction/character of "submitters/arrogant/rage".
I commit myself to push through this shame and submission knowing that what I could have "learnt" maybe was a conditioning system for control, thus walking through the emotions while continuing to say what I'm saying.



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Kristina
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby Kristina » 03 Jun 2015, 03:55

Awesome, Marco!



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 05 Jun 2015, 19:40

- So, at the beginning i had a small look at her....
- Then i sort of had a vawe around with the head and a bit of a "puff away " breathing.
- In the last part where i asked that question anyway, my body was tightening and i probably moved my left hand while explaining, knowing that my mother wouldn't have seen my movements...

--------------

When and as I see that I have/make that type of "straight in the eyes look" like for "challenging" and having showing that "I'm ready to fight", I stop, I breath.
I realize that I've "accepted the challenge " and thus what has been told to me is something that still possess me.
Thus I commit myself to look away again and observing me and trying to reassess who I am, resisting to the pattern of thinking that this could be intended as w "weak point".... which is exactly the reason why I look straight in the eyes: to not admit that this is something controlling me, thus I want to take control on the other person to counterbalance the "slaveness " in which I feel.

When and as I see that I'm making a "disappointment expression " as to express my annoyed status, I stop, I breath.
I realize that this is something acquired/learnt as something that requires the other's attention to our needing as if the other is responsible for "our choice ".... it's like we want to charge the other of our "pain".... it's like a way of being "recognized ".... a last attempt to say NO ! ....It's a safe way to protest, because we have already "accepted " the thing.... it's the frustration for what we can't control.
I thus commit myself to "re assets " my face and my position, concentrating on the sensations in the body as the "up and down " movements that are the direct consequences of my complaining.

When and as I see that I begin to "fear my same words " as if I need to "push through " the words that I'm saying .... like if I know that they are going to "hurt me", probably for knowing that I'm "going against someone " , I stop and breath.
I realize that this is the fear of saying the things that "should be said" and sort of knowing that those things are going against that person and that the other would not appreciate that and that I'm going to put me "in trouble ", thus I'm "stiffening the body/enhancing the con concentration/resisting my same words...." to prepare my defense.
I thus commit myself to take a breath, relax the body, assuming a straight and correct position and saying what should be said without hesitating.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 11 Jun 2015, 19:35

Yesterday I've seen a movie : dogville.
It talks about a beautiful lady running away by the mafia that arrives in this little and peaceful town.
She seems a very "good person ", very soon each person in the town loved her and accepted to hide her by the mafia.
Her particularity was that she was very "hard with herself" and she never allowed her to do anything that she reputed "wrong " and if she did, she self punished her.... she never forgave anything to herself.
Very soon the persons in the town began to take profit from this. They began to pretend more and more by her. Till arriving that the females were arrogant with her and males were abusing her.
But she was always passively undergoing all the humiliations "without judging " those persons because "it was not their fault if they have those pulsions.... it is their nature, they are born this way.... they can't do anything about that.... poor persons, I understand them....(how many times I've said this...nanna for instance) that's why I'm not angry with them".
When her father (the mafia boss) arrived in the city, he explained her that she was the biggest type of arrogant, because she reputed herself the most superior of everyone, because only her was able to keep up with her "instincts ".... probably because if she wouldn't.... she would have to give up to her superiority concept in which she was leaving.

The matter is that it was her that created this situation and all the abuses that everyone did to her.... because she always justified their actions for them.... she accepted all the stupid and unbelievable excuses that everyone told her to abuse her... and even if she rebutted to them, she allowed the final act, thus she justified their lies for them..... justifying their "nature" as stronger then their lies.

I've always been this way, especially when younger.... I was seeing that the persons were "weak ".... that for instance cannot answer to "many questions " if not they will get angry.... or in general (it's difficult to remember specific episodes) when an activity was becoming difficult or wearisome, they would get angry and they would approach me in a "bad way".... I didn't get angry with them and I just "swallowed" the thing knowing that I wouldn't have ever "fallen down " to such "low expression of myself" even in stressful situations.... and they were "weak " and I could just have "pity" for them and the way they were treating me...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had "pity" of the persons that reacted in anger with me, thinking that who reacts in anger sort of "looses" himself... like if it was a proof of weakness.... and I ate weak persons.... like my mother...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of swore to become the "furthest thing " to my mother possible.... the furthest thing to what I reputed "weak " and despisable... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that I heard someone throwing a tantrum, subconsciously remembering about my feeling superior about my mother and "her nature " that her should obey to.... poor slave...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made me guilty for their sufference.... for having believed to what they were accusing me, feeling responsible for their emotions and for having gone against "their nature ".... like for instance that episode where I was running away by 2 friends in the mountain because they were annoying me and they ran to look for me. When they found me they blamed me because I "made them think that I had fallen down the mountain! And thus I had to apologize with them for having scared them".... I felt sorry for it and I apologize for "what I did without realizing it".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always accepted the accusations that were moved to me.... even if I wasn't feeling responsible for what I've done, I couldn't forgive me for being responsible of the sufference and anger of another person.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt so many times this way with my mother: sorry for having made her angry.... not understanding how I could have "missed that thing " that provoked so much pain... just saying "I'm sorry... but please, don't get away from me.... don't push me away.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times found me in this situation with so many persons, especially females.... where so many times I was simply telling "but I didn't know that !.... I didn't even know that this thing could hurt you !" And so many times the answer was " what? Are you stupid that you don't UNDERSTAND something like that ?".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never had the power and will to impose my point of view where "what it seemed obvious for them could not be obvious for others..." but the fear of losing that person and his/her consideration never allowed me to take a solid and fearless position to impose my person.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having bounded the fear of losing my mother with the fear of losing the persons around me.... like for instance that old dream where my mother's skin was falling in pieces because of my "bad behavior/I wasn't a good child"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been.... a defenseless child.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for that memory in which I conquered a girl that some other friends were aiming too, but I was already with another one, and this made the friends annoyed and they all together came to my house for "explanations", wanting me to admit that I was a "bad person".... and instead of saying something like "how the all of you pretend to have more rights of me over a girl ? And you use the pretext that I already have a girlfriend to have more arguments to justify you ?" where instead I had justified myself with "ethical and philosophical " argumentations.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty for having betrayed the girlfriend I had and for not wanting to "lose my friend's consideration" .... and not wanting to loose the "society rules and consideration " , and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having considered to "let my friends the possibility " with that girl and for having instead entered like a "tornado" making her having eyes just for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for all the times that a friend came to me, confessing something bad he did onto me, and that wanted to be forgiven/relieved by that guiltiness sense.... and I so many times replied "i can understand you.... it's normal...".... like saying "it's normal to hurt each other in this way.... it's the HUMAN NATURE! " but within me.... not including myself too in this HUMAN NATURE.... looking at this human nature like a "human disease" that affects the "other beings"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having never "honestly related " to other human beings.... never allowing them to see who and how I am, or expressing how I was in that moment for real.... always presenting me in the same mind state and in the same damn personality, where I was interacting with the other like no more than a clumsy adult that doesn't know how to interact with too much grown children .

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having put this mask with persons, where I sort of should correlate with everyone at what I was thinking was "their level " and where I thought that the only way to not remain alone was finding an interaction way with those imperfect and "predictable beings", thus trying continuously to "give them what they could want by the interaction with me".... continuing to "satisfy these beings" thinking that this was the only way to not remain alone..... accepting the "compromise of this world" where people are weak and where I'm weak without people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having for dinner long just "answered" to the persons instead of honestly interacting with them.... answered in the way of just saying them what I supposed they wanted to hear from me.... always replying like if a child comes to you with a picture he made and you reply "fiiiine! It's so gooooood...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having in some ways thought that if it was me doing a "sin" it was some way more important/relevant/worse than if it was someone else because I was sort of "capable of discernment" while the others were simply "mad".... irresponsible for themselves and the others.... weak... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having given to my actions/deeds more weight/importance.... as if I was responsible for the other's deeds too.... I was responsible for their "nice existence"...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for that time when young to the beach where me and 2 friends were jumping down a cliff and I said to my friends "let me go first, so that if it's a bad idea it will be me to be hurt", as if it was more important to preserve my friend 's health than mine... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that it was "my duty" to care for the other's existence.... almost if I knew that my "entity/person " was sort of "doomed" to be hurt, thus wanting to preserve the other's person/entity like a way of "preserving mine" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought to me like an "expendable person".... a "right sacrificing one".... where it was more important to preserve my friends than me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not knowing how to interpret the whole of this... because it doesn't seem to me something to "not do".... apart from that sensation of "duty and rightness" where it was like if I was "more able than others " to cope with damages and body pain.... where if I had seen someone hurt I would have thought "poor person" but not upon me.... where instead I would have felt proud and..... "in my place " if "wounded "...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always been, especially when young, quite reckless and for having hurt me so many times.... I had gained the reputation of one that is keened to hurt himself.... but it sort of wasn't a big issue....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed a sort of "immunity to pain and sadness" where I've made these 2 things quite similar. Where I sort of looked at me like someone that could bare these things.... they weren't "too much" as they were for other persons..... they weren't so bad instead, because they gave me something to "push through".... something that could have made my life interesting.... something that I can find an identity in.... a re assuring and comfortable identity, meant as a justification for the natural tendency to personify what we don't understand.... am I a masochist?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking to be a masochist, without realizing that the natural mechanism to explain to ourselves the things that we cannot explain as something "external to us" in the logic of programmed pattern of cause-effect, is directing the thing to "ourselves" as if WE are the cause of what happens to us, that thus participates in the formation of the "ego body" as the personal importance that we give to ourselves.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having understand that what I call EGO is the group of things/reactions/feelings/behaviors that I haven't been able to explain to me and that thus i've referred to "me", where this ME is the part that I use to encapsulate all that scares me, because I don't understand though it's an undeniable and "unexcapable " part of me.... thus I want to protect this ME as the only explanation/way that I've created to deal with my life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times degraded me with others just with the intent to put a nice and enjoyable atmosphere in the group, giving up to my reputation... but not for real.... just ridiculing me in an acceptation attempt, probably following my attitude to help someone that I repute in "difficulty".... subconsciously hoping that the others would behave the same way I do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the group "needs my help" and contribute..... thinking that I've to "give me to the group" as the "inner sacrifice of me" thinking that "a group that doesn't Lough is a group that NEEDS my help" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt this "need to lough".... probably as an old self protection mechanism of "loughing on it !/a life without a smile is not a life worth to be lived/the nice ones are those who lough about everything and about themselves/I'm a nice person because I make always lough everyone/making lough is what makes you interesting/no matter if bad or good, but the important thing is to make speak about yourself/smiling is the life's scent/staying with others means loughing together...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made about lough my greatest addiction.... to the point of compromising me to have a lough together.... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding that the laughs that I provoke in the others are not my laughs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for looking for laughs with my wife too.... taking advantage of every moment to do "stupid things " to make her laugh, but not realizing how much "heavy" I can be this way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably having inherited this behavior by my father, that when young I reputed a very nice and enjoyable person because he was always making me laugh.... he actually was very keen to make me laugh, probably as the only way to relate with me and being accepted by me.... now that I think about it I resemble so much to my father when with friends and colleagues....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when young probably wanting to behave like my father as the figure that I felt far away from me.... filling the long empty times between a meeting with him and the other probably trying to resemble to him the best that I could.... trying to keep him with me.... probably suppressing his lack through laughing the most that I could as probably him had learnt dued to the lack of his father too.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for nor wanting to do things that could go "against the other's nature" like for instance passing near someone because this can be annoying for a foreign person.... or even looking directly in the eyes a person... without realizing that these are actually things pertinent to MY nature.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this urge of "respecting the other's nature " which in essence is a projection of what is MY nature., and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that there is also something "more" which I "like" that usually I've to give up to....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having many times dreamt about doing something big/noticeable/magnificent.... something that would have given a sense to this "martirization" and to all this carrying over me the other's existence, as this my feeling better and bigger is trapping me in the responsibility that this "difference" carry with it.... like almost a "guiltiness"..... almost if that this bigness is something that I don't deserve... something without a purpose but that I've to "suffer" daily and that I don't know how to give it a collocation.... thus hoping that one day will happen something "big and memorable " that would than give a sense to the difference that I perceive and to what am this ".... yeah I understand why you are hurting me and the weakness you not resist/keep up to what you are experiencing..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably instead shearing the same issues with everybody else, but simply thinking that the fact that I "suppress" my reactions is because I'm more "aware" of the problem then of who doesn't repress it, without realizing that probably the other person is aware of it in my same way, but is simply reacting to it exploiting it and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the fact that I'm most trained in suppressing is something that gives me something "more" as if it is the "most difficult thing to do", without realizing that this is much more of an ego issue as something that I'm not sure about.... something that I don't know if it's the best thing to do or not..... and also something that I cannot explain to me why I'm this way while I'm not in the other..... thus i've referred the thing to "ME" as this "god of myself"..... as all the things that exist but I haven't the control and the understanding on.... and I arbitrarily decide if loving or hating these "gods".... where these love or hate are submission expressions anyway....as something that I've to "live for" in any case.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that my fears are what I've to "live for".... the gods to which I've sacrificed my everyday life.... the things that I pursue every moment that they come up.... the ME "god of myself " made of what I can't control/I haven't power on and that thus controls me.


When and as I see my daughter coming to me with a picture she did and waiting for my consideration and my first impulse is to just distractly answer "gooood ", I stop and breath.
I realize that I've been educated to satisfy the other's expectations, so that if the others would be satisfied of me, they would satisfy mine's....... so that everyone is slave of everyone and of himself.... thus I'm satisfying her "induced need" of consideration so that I'll satisfy my need of "knowing that I've accomplished to my task of father" feeding her with what I've been fed, as the need of being appreciated by others. Also because I hope that satisfying my daughter's consideration needs would bring her to satisfy my "father's needs" like for instance being obeyed and "appreciated/wanted/respected/recognized....saying that I'm a GOOD FATHER".... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that being appreciated by a child is like the "voice of the truth/innocence" and thus considering this the most valuable type of appreciation and self consideration to feed my ego with.
Thus I commit myself to speak to her in the moment, after taking a breath, and accepting the fact that she could refuse my words and compromising the idea of consideration that I think she has of me.

When and as I see that I find myself in an emotion/fear provoked by any trigger which I'm quite familiar with, (like for instance when I look someone in the eyes or when I find me in crowded places), I stop and breath.
I realize that the fact that I react in that uncontrolled way without understanding why, means that I'm adulating "a god", as what i haven't understood but I've given up to and accepted as "truth" referred to who I am.
Thus I commit myself to help me to understand and realize what "hides behind thus god's facade " though trying to understand what am I unconsciously/subconsciously thinking about these persons.




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