Marco's writing

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Anna
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby Anna » 11 Jun 2015, 20:16

When and as I see my daughter coming to me with a picture she did and waiting for my consideration and my first impulse is to just distractly answer "gooood ", I stop and breath.
I realize that I've been educated to satisfy the other's expectations, so that if the others would be satisfied of me, they would satisfy mine's....... so that everyone is slave of everyone and of himself.... thus I'm satisfying her "induced need" of consideration so that I'll satisfy my need of "knowing that I've accomplished to my task of father" feeding her with what I've been fed, as the need of being appreciated by others. Also because I hope that satisfying my daughter's consideration needs would bring her to satisfy my "father's needs" like for instance being obeyed and "appreciated/wanted/respected/recognized....saying that I'm a GOOD FATHER".... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that being appreciated by a child is like the "voice of the truth/innocence" and thus considering this the most valuable type of appreciation and self consideration to feed my ego with.
Thus I commit myself to speak to her in the moment, after taking a breath, and accepting the fact that she could refuse my words and compromising the idea of consideration that I think she has of me.
Awesome Marco!

A suggestion I got once with regards to this scenario where the child comes and shows a drawing, is to turn the focus back on the child's self-experience within having made the drawing. So here one can for example say to the child: "I see you used a lot of blue and yellow in this drawing, interesting color choices" or for example ask: "How was it for you creating this drawing?" (obviously it might be a little strange initially, so requires practice) - so as to disengage with this 'positive affirmation' pattern that many children and adults have been participating within. So instead of being distracted and serve the mind's need to be validated, can bring yourself here and really be WITH the child and explore the drawing together so that it doesn't become about 'performing' and being validated based on performance, but about exploring one's self-expression and within that explore self-satisfaction.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 12 Jun 2015, 08:48

Really cool Anna ! Thank you ! I'll talk with my wife soon !



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viktor
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby viktor » 14 Jun 2015, 23:29

Awesome support Anna – and interesting point Marco



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 22 Jun 2015, 20:12

This is an almost omnipresent fear, which is the fear of looking someone in the eyes.... or also the fear that I experience when my eyes cross someone else's eyes.
I can almost say that it's the fear of the other's contact because I experience something very similar when I hear someone else's steps or just the "close someone 's presence ".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- Eye contact
- steps approaching sound
- knowing that someone (usually that I've previously feared with eye contact ) is close to me

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- Almost none.
- I think about me and my environment, judging if it is "presentable" or if it can be argument of judgements/correction
- I judge all the movements that this discomfort situation induce me to do.... thinking like "should I move me this way ? Could he understand that this movement is because I feel uncomfortable with him ? How could I do this damn movement making it seem something natural ? How could I hide my discomfort in this situation ?"

>>>>>>>>>>>


- A quick and impulsive fear... very little and fast that very fastly induce me to look away (but not too far away...)
- Quick and impulsive fear, like if someone is going to beat me (my mother's steps ?)
- discomfort, like not wanting to stay here... not feeling that here I'm free to do/behave like I want.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

- Behind the eyes, on the chest area around the heart and a global changing sensation.... something that I could describe as "more presence" but it isn't... it's alert.
- In the chest and a global alert sensation.
- General weakness, tingling in the teeth, hot....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- it was something developed through time, but I can remember my "father's eyes" as the sight that he used to control me.... he always used this technique, together with an high and acute shout.... it totally scared me... I was totally and suddenly frightened and there wasn't anything left of me in the moment except than obey.
- It was something developed through time, but I remember at about any age (increasingly by 12) about my mother's angry fast steps approaching me, usually when I was in my room.
- it was something developed through time, but I can remember something similar starting by the age of 12, when sitting or staying close to some classmates.

>>>>>>>>>
- Whenever the sights are crossing.... whenever there is a direct interaction between 2 persons, they look themselves in the eyes... thus everytime there is a "look in the eyes" there "should be" a direct interaction....
- Fast and loud steps towards me were a "problems advice" about my mother.... but rarely it happened the same thing with someone else.
- It happens with persons that barely have something in common and in disparate circumstances and without understanding the real cause.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- The sights crossing are not necessarily something dangerous or to be worried of... these don't lead to "who knows" types of interaction.
- Steps approaching don't mean that the person is necessarily approaching to me or that "noisy steps" are something dangerous for me.... or thinking that the persons around me are continuously paying attention to my desk.... or that "noisy steps are for me !" is not rational.
- Being conceived to not show the other mine discomfort is not something to have "fear of"... and also not even knowing why the other presence puts me in discomfort is not rational.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
- In sights crossing/meeting there is the possibility to "generate an attack or a judgement" because of a "direct relation/interaction" created.... there is the inferiority of being discovered in doing something that you "shouldn't do", like "watching" someone else.... like when you see an handicapped person when you are young and your mother told you to " don't look at him, because it's not good"..... thus the inferiority is in being discovered in doing something "not good".
- In steps approaching towards me, it means an "already declared/decided/clear intention" that may regard me directly... it evidence a "tactical advantage".... who is approaching you has already "clear ideas" and comes to you with an "already developed point" that will be displayed to you and that you would have to cope with in the moment.
- In standing close to someone that I feel uncomfortable with and that I don't want to show my estate, there is the inferiority of this feeling uncomfortable.... if the other understands my uncomfort state there are many inferiority points, like the feeling "judgeable" as "inappropriate"/being in a unhappy estate, which in this society is considered being "weak"... or that if the other understand my estate he would feel the same way and thus "reject me"... and I consider "inferior" a rejected person.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
- If continuing to look in the eyes a person... it's a challenge matter. There could be even a fight or a "screaming dispute".... or also making them going away.
- In steps approaching, when for instance behind or aside me, sometimes it pops up the image of the person giving me a slap on the head, or on the hear. (My mother did these type of things... like when she woke me up hitting me)
- In staying close to someone, the worst case that could happen is that that person would feel offended by my discomfort because of a judgement towards him (that many times I'm not properly aware of) and that would begin a "screaming dispute" or a fight... or also making them going away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- fear of:
+ confrontations
+ screaming
+ angry face
+ judgement
+ that we need to begin a conversation to justify the relation created
+ fight
+ being judged as not polite

- fear of:
+ being seen in something that could be judged as inappropriate
+ being attacked from behind.... when I'm defenseless
+ being screamed/shouted out
+ being the object of a critic about something that was expected by me... and that enraged the person that went directly towards me to hit me

- fear of:
+ disputing
+ being judged for the cliches that I judge
+ being seen the same way I look/watch
+ not seeing the danger arriving
+ being fingered/blamed/judged for what I've thought
+ making the other have regret/repulsion of me and making them go away/escaping by me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- Sometimes, when sights are crossing, the first thing is just to look away, even the slightest bit, but looking away.... up, down, aside.... but there have been many moments in which I was forcing to keep the eyes straight in the other ones till the other don't look away.
- Sometimes I just get rigid/tight or sometimes I sort of "tickle" the pen on the desk, while feeling hot inside and in an "arrogant" position.
- When close to someone I just try to "stay still" and moving the less that I can... almost trying to "disappear"..... some other times (much less) I look directly the other person in the eyes.

>>>>>>>>>>

For all: first flight, than fight.

>>>>>>>>>>>

For all the 3 of these, I could have so many times avoided a stomach/chest pain and a general "heaviness" that if not, I could have much better managed what was going on after, or even in the moment with that person.
Also I could have been so much better at ease with me and transmitted this to the close people, that would have resulted in a much better interaction at all levels with everyone else in the environment.

>>>>>>>>>>>
- • Fear of Pain: if fighting
• Fear of Death: if fighting
• Fear of Change: if trying anything else than looking somewhere else or looking straight in the eyes.
• Fear of Loss: if losing the the vision that I have of me if trying anything else than than these 2 ways of dealing with the situation.... these 2 ways that determine who I am in relation to this situation.... even if I don't like this "label" that I put on me.
• Fear of the Unknown : if doing anything else other than these 2 things, just because they are what I've always done.

- • Fear of Pain: if someone "slaps me" from behind
• Fear of Death: if someone "stabs me" or for instance pushes me down when the train arrives.
• Fear of Change: like "losing less time" when at work and thus feeling less guilty and less "wrong" in the eyes of others.
• Fear of Loss: as losing the actual "safe place" and the safe and accommodating way I spend the day on the job.
• Fear of the Unknown: as giving up for real to the way I'm passing this time as not knowing "what to do of myself/me/who I am" if stopping to do the "things I actually do of me and with me".

- • Fear of Pain: as the pain I experience in the chest/stomach/head/... the general body sensation... when finding me in that situation
• Fear of Death: as what would result by a fight.... like with a person that I consider stronger and more dangerous than me.
• Fear of Change: .... this is the one I can't interpret .....
• Fear of Loss: as the loss of the "subconscious judgement" that I'm having towards that person.... which I consider a "win".... something that I've learnt and "gained" as what makes me "smarter and advantaged" in living this world
• Fear of the Unknown: as what the other person is "thinking about me" and that I want to control but that I can't know.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 30 Jun 2015, 19:19

Thai Island a short bit powerful realization I had about vicious circles.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for giving this importance to steps approaching or to any other form of attention that I feel over me because of this irrational interpretation of that as an "attack" over me, while for so many times (every time ...) I knew that this wasn't the case, but I couldn't do anything other then obeying to the fear countermeasures: like for instance getting all rigid, shifting the attention on the environment around and doing some "random waiting action" to mask the fact that my attention is elsewhere but not on what I'm doing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having even realized that these "automatic countermeasures started by fear " are the real responsible for a strange behavior and for an alert behavior by the other persons, that triggers more fear within me and starting more stupid/strange countermeasures within me which feed more and more the fear in the other, who now will begin to "uncomfortable/strangely behave too", starting a vicious circle.... which is the real responsible of the fear itself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that the vicious circle mechanism is in essence the "repetition of the trigger instruction" and that in this continuous repetition there is the construction of this "belief" because we believe to "the things that repeats".... where I loose the perception of the "real starting point"... where in this context the vicious circle consists in the part where I see the other as "uncomfortable" due to something I'm doing or that I represent.... and the other's sign of uncomfort triggers in me more uncomfort... feeding the circle. Thus, when I see someone, I already start by the supposition/belief that "I'm provoking uncomfort into others" starting then the FIRST UNCOMFORT TRIGGER.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for believing in "vicious circle" without realizing that they are based on the belief that the trigger "already exists within me !".... where this is the concept of "becoming the fear"... then making me/myself as the "living trigger" dued to the "personalization" of the "ununderstood cause which repeats along time".... : this thing repeats - I don't know why - thus this is "me".... and the vicious circles are the best example of this mechanism.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 28 Sep 2015, 19:49

This is the concept of "self importance", as how much i think i'm "important" to others for their "well being" and how much the others would "pay me back" for this.

THis is an obvious practical concept that applies to so many "facts of life", but how am i abusing of it ?
The fact is that i think that the "other's judgement" about ME is what would be "important" for their life and what then would be reflected over me.
It's like i'm thinking that if what i do would bring a "positive judgement" into others, thus this would be translated into a "positive feeling"..... they will then feel "better with themselves" and will then "thank me" in some ways.... while if the judgement would be negative, their "inner experience" will be negative too, thus they will reflect this "negativity" onto me.

The world is obviously working this way, thus there is no motivation in negating/judging it.... thus the matter is how to get a better understanding of this mechanism and how to "get ME out of this perspective" so to be able to make it become a "tool" as the acceptance of the world in which i live, rather than an "enslavement".

When i'm in the courtyard at work, while smoking a cigarette, sometimes i find myself walking alone looking up and down, realizing that i'm behaving "quite differently" by all the others..... or this is the way i'm used to "perceive me".
Thus sometimes i feel like "observed" and "judged".... like if the persons looking at me would think: "what is he doing ? ....he is strange ! he is not with the mobile and he isn't chatting with anyone..... he is WEIRD/ODD!".
And i think that this judging me weird/odd would provoke a "bad emotion" in people and thus feeling "threatened" by them !
Thus an alert estate/rigidity pervades me... a fear that is imposing me to stop and feeling embarrassed.... without knowing how to "change the way I'm perceived".... but suddenly the last time was different, because I had a "lightning with the sun".... "why do they have to look always at me ? Why am I so important to them that I think that they are continuously paying attention to me ? Do they really care if I'm alone here looking up and down? Do they really need to emit a judgement over me ? Am I sure that they have "no choice than that"? Should I than "carry the weight" of everybody's feeling to allow me to "survive" as receiving the other's "good impressions" ? Am I the everyone's servant that is always ready to "defend himself" in the way that "if you don't like what I do it's because YOU are strange! Your fault, not mine !" ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for cannot "do without" acting and pretending that others "need me to experience them" and thinking that if they would experience well, they would "behave well with me" and vice versa and within tjis, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not realizing that basically this is what I constantly do in crowded places.... looking at everyone waiting to feel in "some ways" depending on the judgement on what I see.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having let determinate that what others do/dress/say have so much power over me as determining how do I have to experience me... being in a constant "irritation estate" where basically I don't like anything of anyone.... where anyone MUST HAVE something NOT STRAIGHT ! And I hate when those persons look at me ! Almost pretending now to do the same with me ! And then I feel so "responsible" for what I'm doing and how I'm presenting me ! Knowing that now it's "my turn" and they will then feel something in looking at me.... something that I and they cannot control.... and all this absence of control drives me crazy and I cannot do anything rather then making the other feel "wrong" for what they are experiencing, just because I cannot accept that there is something wrong in me too.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for behaving explicitly in this way with my daughter.... where I enrage me when she plays with things that aren't hers or for things that it's "obvious" she shouldn't do ! I remember when my father shouted at me for things that I wasn't aware of.... thus sort of inheriting this "fact of life" where in any moment you can "hurt" anybody and receiving his rage.... like if what I do "matters" for everyone else ! I mean: "if people shout and enrage for what I do, this means that I'm IMPORTANT to them... that I've to pay attention to me... "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this "monster" inside me when my daughter with absolute "non chalance" does something that implies "waste"/"dirty"/"disorder"/"disturbing" .... while at work I consider things in my behavior that are "polite "/"not invadent"/"clean dresses" without realizing that these things are exactly the polarity of what I see in my daughter..... thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing at work to be scolded/judged/"invested of my same monsters" that I feel rising up seeing my daughter's unobservance of these "rules".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for didn't realize that the "importance" I think to have for other's is proportional to the way I've been scared undergoing other's judgements..... where I've made a logic like: "it's easy to walk in the mountains for 1000 times, but it needs just one to fall down and die !".
Thus even if I'm not important for anyone, it needs just one be in real trouble... in this way justifying the continuous attention.
ThusI forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having based my behavior much more on the "fear of the possibility" of something to happen, rather than the practical evidences of that really happening.

When and as I see that I'm feeling "observed", I stop and breath.
I realize that it's not that I'm observed for real, but that there is a judgement on what I've done that implies someone else's presence, as the projections of my ego emitting the judgement, as it had learned by young when when I've undergone "someone else's judgement".
Thus I commit myself to remember me that there is nobody really watching/analyzing me other than my ego itself and the "importance" it's convinced to have.

When and as I see that I react in rage for my daughter's behavior in a judgement of "waste"/"dirty"/"disorder"/"disturbing" I stop and breath.
I realize that these are the same constructs that I undergo everyday at work and that are my "worst enemies" and that I then behave with her the same way I fear that someone would behave with me.
Thus I commit myself to remember this and acting towards her rather more to protect her from other's judgement.... making her aware of these judgements existence, rather then acting towards her "AS the judgement".



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 31 Dec 2015, 18:06

We are on vacation, finally ! And finally we have the opportunity to do all the things that we have swear to do when we would be on vacation and having much more time at disposal, like for instance writing or staying and playing with my daughter.
My daughter today asked me to play football with her and in that very moment I felt an "heaviness and tiredness" surrounding me..... which is the same reaction I have during the "normal days" where I have the justification that I'm generally tired and I'd like to take some time for me.
This time there were no justifications and to "not have to face a self inconsistency" I forced me to play with her.

While playing, it was a continuous tiredness attacks.... In each exclamation, each rule established, everytime that the ball was mine and I had to decide "what to do with that ball"... because in each of these cases..
.. there was the fact that "I'm her father".... and with other children "I'm the adult"..... thus I can't see my role in these situations...... I feel the heaviness of my "duties of adult" which are basically:
- be entertaining
- dealing with my "respect needings" without let the ego prevail and being an example for the child
- dealing with my own emotions knowing that whatever I'm innerly experiencing will be absorbed and transmitted to the child... so that I'm responsible for his growth even in "how I'm experiencing me"
- dealing with the matter of "letting the child win" or being honest with him.

The heaviness that I feel is especially in the kidneys area but surrounds my whole body.

A similar sensation happened to me when walking along the lake, with my daughter and wife..... especially when watching other persons and families "like mine".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for provoking in me these tiredness attacks.... similar to "scolding".... like rush of energies that blocks me in everything I'm doing in that moment.... almost like saying "BE CAREFUL! SOMETHING is HAPPENING! And that thing needs your control/attention!.... and you need to stay still and carefully decide any other move!"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for looking at me as "the adult".... the one that should "decide" how the children should experience themselves and the one that will decide "how those children will grow up and be".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to "do and be" so many things for children, having taken upon me so many responsibilities basically because of being the one making this process, while anyone else in the world isn't... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of needing to "remember this to me" in everything I do, trying to give a sense to what I'm doing through "using these powers".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for defining me "entertaining" while playing with a child even if "I'm not entertaining me" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking "wtf this is a deadly boredom ! What the hell am I doing here, I can do much more than this !" While in truth I don't have better things to do, apart from laying down because of this tiredness that had assaulted me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used the "boredom" as an excuse and justification to give up playing and and letting win this need to "rest".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for this inadequacy that provokes me this tiredness that is like screaming to me "give up ! Come on give up ! You are not good at this! You don't know how to play and behave with children! They are too much senseless and they are able to put you everytime in difficult situations ! They are so unpredictable and is so difficult to correct them because of the infinite scenarios that they can put you in".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling so "hurt and wounded" when they do their "exclamations" while playing.... thinking "what the hell are they exclaiming for ?! I hate that ! They are such FALSE! They are all mimicking exclamations already heared on tv or by other children! What should I do with that ! It's unbearable!" And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling so badly when they insult me while playing or when they say those tv challenging sentences like "you'll never catch me ! .... now let's take this one ! Ha ! Hu! He!" .... they are so "false".... I know that they are just mimicking and that can't do anything else.... but what should I do ?
And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for never knowing what to do..... should I correct them or should I let them do ? ..... I feel so powerless....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling just a "victim" under the children tortures.... feeling that I have to undergo to their "damned exclamations and comments" that I don't share.... and that put me in the situation of uncertainty.... "how should I behave in the interest of the child ? Should I share that exclamation or should I be "honest" and ignore that exclamation? Even if it's referred to me ?"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling so much responsible for the growth of a child.... knowing that everything that I do in a sense or in the other would be a "lost".... the child will either continue to behave "like a robot" (if pandered..... and I will do something that I don't enjoy and I will behave "for the child" like doing a second job.... not enjoying me) or trying to correct the child.... and facing my whole inadequacy in seeing that I make the playing less enjoyable.... and having the doubt that it wasn't the right thing to do....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing when I'm experiencing something, as I "know" that whatever I'm experiencing will be "absorbed" by the child and then facing another point of inadequacy where I feel responsible but powerless for "hurting" the child.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for believing to "know" that what I'm innerly experiencing in that moment will be something that will "harm the child".... just because I've heard that "children are like sponge that absorbs the energetic fields that the others emit".... and because I don't like what I'm experiencing and I've also JUDGED the experience as "negative/immoral/despising" I feel responsible for doing onto someone else this "badness".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that "till it's just me is FORGIVABLE.... but if it's onto another not !" And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perpetrating this absurd concept where "whatever I do onto me is all right till I don't do the same to others".... like saying that "nobody cares of me, thus I'm free to abuse me and I've the right to justify everything I do till it doesn't exit my sphere".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having such a low and masochistic consideration of me.... where others are more important than me for "suffering matters" while ME is more important than others in positive/enjoyable matters..... like for instance when my daughter wants to play but I don't want, the ME wins.... it's almost like I'm "allowed to take the positive but not allowed to give the negative...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so much shared and embraced the "I don't give a f..k about what you do about you till you don't do it to me !" Like saying that everyone is absolutely abandoned to himself where the only relation type we can have with other human beings is of fight/attack.... because anything that one can "be" cannot coexist with someone else.... and if nobody cares about what I'm doing to me, why do i have to care about what I do onto me ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the "me" is "someone else".... and that if the "someone else" doesn't care about me, also the "me" (as the new "someone else") doesn't have to care about myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "responsible but powerless" for hurting the child I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for being so "vain" in feeling so "important/superior" in having "so great powers that I can't even control them...because the "uncontrolled powers" are part of the vain aspect because I have gifts "greater/bigger than me !".... what can possibly be "more" ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for always dealing with the "letting win the child because it's a CHILD".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had the doubt that the times where I was playing with my father or mother to chess for instance, weren't "true" and the times where I "won" I've been letting win...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the results I pursued weren't "mine" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for this word "mine" which is actually something that I personify.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having personified the word "mine" as something that I can "relate to" as a "tool/weapon".... which is for instance my intelligence and ability.... looking to me as "intelligent and able" and then "allowed" to perform some activities.... and then having also expectations over the results of these activities.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I shouldn't let the child win if it's not in his possibilities, because I would feed the "victory construct" where playing is fun just if you are the winner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for secretly be disturbed if I'm going to lose or if the child exult if wins and having the need to remind me that "I'm the one who let him win".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having a bit of a "coldness" in playing.... almost innerly thinking that "this is life and the fastest you learn these lessons, the fastest you'll understand "the world"" without realizing that this is actually a justified form of hazing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling unsatisfied about my abilities and for then "teaching" this dissatisfaction to the child, making him unsatisfied of his potential.

When and as I see that I'm in the doubt of letting the child win or not, I stop and breath.
I realize that I'm doubting about my abilities because I've never actually understood if my parents made me win on purpose when young or not.
Thus I commit myself to play with the child not in the perspective of "making him win or not", but "putting me on his level".... like mimicking his ability level and then playing with him in a "built-in fairness".



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 01 Mar 2016, 11:28

Yesterday evening I had a "discussion" with a person.
I know that there is a small group of Rocco followers that meet in the weekends.
I was curious about that and I went to one of them to ask info.
When I started talking him I began to realize that my motivation about what I was going to do wasn't so much "real" but just something similar to curiosity.... I was asking just to....... I honestly don't know..... just to be sure that I wasn't going to lose "slices of cake"....

That person then asked me "why do you want to come with us ?"..... in that very moment I felt "questioned/measured"..... and I felt I didn't have a valid explanation...... thus I answered "let's put it in this way: because I've nothing better to do in the weekends".
Which isn't so far from truth actually...

His answer was something like:"if you don't know what to do you can visit a museum...".
That answer irritated me.... I felt devalued.... and to stop this devaluation I had cut it down like "ok ok I got it..... now if you don't mind I'll go to lick my wounds, bye bye".
Like saying "I've understood that I'm not welcome, but I won't let you continue to regret me, fuck off !".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having realized that, in the moment of asking info, I actually didn't know almost anything about that.... I just asked info because once someone told me that to go with that group I should ask to that person.... and I saw that person right in front of me in that moment and I "impulsively" went there.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been "fascinated" by that "secretness and determination" of that group.... like if the real "sweets pot" was there.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the more something is "secret" and "close to the leader" and the more it's "important".... thus for wanting to participate and being part of that "importance".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt this pattern of "going everywhere there is an opportunity for me" or everywhere there is to enjoy and doing "interesting things" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting these "interesting things" which at the end are something within which to "employ my time/measuring me"...... seeing something "new"..... something to not be bored and to self convince me that I'm ALIVE and I'm LIVING.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt measured/weighed when asked "why do you want to come?" And for having also realized in a moment that I didn't have a clear and concrete reason to join the group..... but was much more a curiosity/whim...... almost the opportunity to "put my signature" on something "important".... or even just for "not being left behind"....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having this "famine/hunger" of wanting anything that I could have "the right for".... thinking like "if it's free, let's try it.... I can always choose after if doing something with it or not...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for seeking "things" out of me.... without even knowing what am I really looking for.... just for the sake of "it could be useful..." but without having idea for what and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that "I can never know what could I need of tomorrow !".... without realizing that it's better to acquire the "inner strength" to provide me what I could need instead of gathering anything because of the fear of not being able to be strong enough when I'll need to...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made of this "experiences gathering" an habit.... in the perspective of giving weight/consistency/importance to my life intended as a COLLECTION of EXPERIENCES without realizing that life is much more the quality of a whole single experience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt challenged/weighed/measured when asked for "my motivations".... and the subconscious thought "how you dare ? Who are u to ask me about MY motivations ?"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt devalued by that answer of "going to a museum then"....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that that was actual outcome of the way I've devaluated HIS question through my superficial answer of "I don't have anything better to do in the weekend".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having said "if you don't mind now I'm going to lick my wounds".... like to blame him for being "cruel" in his answer and for blaming him to have "wounded me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tried to instill "shame" in my interlocutor as a form of attack/defense.


When and as I see that I've the impulse to go to someone to ask for anything that I've just "heard about", I stop and breath.
I realize that I don't actually "know" what am I doing now and I'm just driven by the impulse of "doing that thing" .... but there isn't anything else "at the base".
Thus I commit myself to "step back" realizing the inconsistency of what I'm doing and to investigate the "impulse" I had.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 14 May 2016, 19:02

I'd like to talk about a significant episode that happened in my childhood which I think it was the start of "something".
I was about 11/12 and we were in a one week school trip. There was a friend of mine "Luca" who was said to be quite vain and in those days he was particularly "active" in this way. Another schoolmate "Tiziana" wanted to joke him because of this ostentatious vanity: she talked with the 2 most beautiful girls in the class with other 2 male friends, where the 2 girls must say to Luca that they liked him and that they wanted to kiss him this night. In the meanwhile the 2 girls were kissing and "pampering" the 2 boys to "put on the show" of what was to be "expected".
I don't remember how.... but I was involved too in this game.... I think as "messenger" between Luca and the 2 girls. The role I had was something like "in the middle".... (and I remember that I had the "middle role" for many other life episodes).....
I've these sporadic images of these rows of chairs where 2 rows ahead of me on the left there were the 2 girls and boys smiling, pampering and that sometimes one of them came to me saying "i've received another kiss ! It's 8 now !".

I'm writing about this because I think that this episode was the start of many changes within me.... before that episode I've always felt "at the center of everything".... I've never experienced something that others can have while me not, that I want/need.
That time I felt excluded and discriminated.... I've seen the possibility of being "chosen" to be "given or not".... I've felt "alone" but alone in the sense of a "being for itself and in itself"..... I've realized my "difference" and my existence as outside of the "fairness of the group", where everything was shared and I felt protected and "feeded".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced "anguish" and confusion when seeing one of the girls or boys saying me "Hey Marco, I've given/received another kiss !" with that harmless/joyful/friendly voice while saying me something that was actually harming me.... that thing left me confused/inadequate.... how should I react and what should I do ?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing now rage and a voice that says: "what the hell! How could they suppose that those words could have been enjoyable to me ??".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having seen developing in front of me something that I'd liked to be part of but that I wasn't....and in the same time being "pushed in" when called.... like "forced to look" and to than become and feel the difference and "unfairness" of being so close to that thing but without being part of it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced this "detachment".... this "you have not/can't have it".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced the "difference" between me and other human beings and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having "absorbed/digested" the fact sometimes others can "have" while me not and for not having been able to consider/experience/live me and accept me in that moment but having allowed within me the "lack of me within that experience".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thus remained in that "young fairness" where I did have the perception of nothing was lacking me and where everything was equally shared.... and thus feeling the unacceptance of everything that other have while me not..... this is thus to be called.... jealousy.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be and experience jealousy within me and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always negated/pushed away the idea of being jealous..... never admitting within me to be in disease when in certain situations..... never allowing me to express or show this "inferiority aspect" within me..... pushing me against any natural instinct of rebelling to certain situations just because my discomfort would have been "too explicit" and I couldn't accept within me to be recognized by me or someone else in this inferiority/disease experience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for never accepting the disease/inferiority feeling because of having remained in those "young times".... where everything was for everyone and where no one should be the example of his own capabilities and where no one should take responsibility on its own for what the world would deliver him.

When and as I see that I'm resisting to any form of discomfort/disease/inferiority feeling to not admit/accept within me (and to not make anyone notice) that I'm "in lack of something", I stop and breath.
I realize that this resistance is dued to the unacceptance unacceptance of the fact nothing is no more dued to me just because of my own existence... and probably that episode was the start of the awareness that I was "no more" in the center and at the center of everything.... as I had always unconsciously thought.
I commit myself to let go of the idea that I "should be" at the center and in the center of everything and to realize that I'm fully responsible for my own manifestations as the manifestations that the world express me.



User avatar
mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 14 Sep 2016, 20:24

Recently I've spoken to Rocco Bruno about Desteni. I didn't want to do this so early but it went this way.... I feel a lot of "responsibility/pressure" in making things work between Rocco and Desteni because if it isn't I basically would feel "splitted in 2 parts" .... finding me in the constant dilemma of "who should I trust ? Who should I follow?"..... and also fearing that, when and if things would get more "interesting" meaning if we get quite far in the process, further differences could emerge which could further confuse everything.

If I guess the worst case scenario, which is the one that the 2 "schools" would not aligne and some sort of collaboration could not start, these are my biggest fear:

I would continue with both..... and I fear that I would be in constant doubt.... never having a "secure path" to follow..... a "unique solid way".... I would constantly fear to never can totally trust a path.... I would fear to never feel "totally part" of a community.... fearing that my ideas wouldn't be shared.... fearing that I would continue my life in paying attention to not saying something in the group that could be "too big to handle" in positive or negative polarity.....


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that when I get further in the process, things would be more difficult and more confused instead of more clear, because I think that things would become more "spiritual" or "inner" so to speak.... and that's a field which I feel totally extraneous to me and I feel that I need a support/path in that sense.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for for having created the polarity between "earth and sky", where I've created the negative judgement for "sky" and good judgement for "earth" in opposition with what was 5 years ago, where the judgement was the opposite.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing to "follow the wrong school".... Because till the work is "physical" it's easy to see the similarities and differences, but when it would get a "further level", I fear to create illusions in my mind or to preclude me incredible adventures.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for needing/wanting/looking for a "secure path/right school" to follow because I actually don't follow me and don't trust me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually not living breath by breath, step by step, day by day with what I have and what I know but constantly hoping/aiming for something else in the idea of "making a better person out of me".... which never allows me to trust me /stay into the moment to accept it for what it is.... continuously trying to catch something better out of the "now".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "fearing doubt".... escaping the doubt and escaping the pressure it carries with it. Never allowing me to stay in the moment of "doubting" and never allowing me to "be me" in the doubt.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for fearing doubt like if in each possibility that exists there is a danger, without seeing that there is also a "moving on".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for preferring to trust me in seeing a "danger" rather then trusting me in seeing what this will move and change and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for seeing in every move and change a new danger without realizing that what I consider "dangers" are actually fear to "play/put me in the game"..... an inferiority pattern that takes me away resources and will.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually preferring a determined path to follow to not face the inferiority pattern I experience when I "put me in the game".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling the jaw tightened and the chest "pressing".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sometimes feeling the need to "scream out" the desteni "word" like "guys reincarnation doesn't exist anymore!" Like a pressure pot which is at its tip pressure point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hearing what the other Rocco's people are saying and then feeling like wanting to scream "stoooooop! It's no more that waaaay!" But not doing it because I fear "retaliations" and I fear being "fingered as mad"/I fear not being able to proof and sustain what I'm saying/I fear compromising my relationship with the group's persons for the "next time" I see them/ I fear feeling "different" and feeling the "judgement/unexpressed thoughts" of others.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling the need to "correct others" and to make my knowledge and beliefs be relevant and be considered.... be part of the "discussion" where who speaks is getting other's attention/consideration and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling that the knowledge I have can give me a good dose of importance/attention/interest and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for almost quiver/tremble to not expose me to not after having to face the fears above.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for NOT accepting me as in essence continuously stopping/pressing/pushing me, repressing what I experience/what I think/what I feel in terms of emotions and feelings thinking that what I experience is going to "punish me" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reflecting this in my outer world thinking that in manifesting/externalyzing what I experience/feel, the others would then punish me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for since young have tried to follow "schemas/instructions/orders/guidelines" to not be punished, having made quite a big part of my life out of that.... where I have sort of learnt to do the same onto me: following rules I have chosen "for my best" and punishing me when I don't follow them. Thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having chosen to live "without emotions/judgements/feelings" and thus applying a a fear/panic/fright punishment everytime I "surprise me" in any of the above...... exactly how I have been habit when child.

When and as I see that I fear that my idea of what desteni is/says would not match with the idea of what Rocco is/says and with what should be reviewed and investigated I stop and breath.
I realize that this is dued to my lack of trust in my learning/observation/feeling/experiencing abilities which I reelaborate through ideas of what is "missing" and is out of my reaching abilities, where thus I've established an external "path/guide" to be followed which would "suite me" and be "the right path for everyone" and within this I realize that I fear "doubt" because doubt is "painful" and "fearful" and I want someone else that will handle my doubts instead of me.
I commit myself to realize that doubt isn't in essence fearful or painful, but it was me that made it that way because in having "doubts" about doing something, I wasn't "protected/defended" by the punishment I would incur if "getting it wrong".... punishment intended as screams, scolds and beats..... basically fear and pain. Thus I also commit myself to embrace the "doubt" realizing that it's in doubt that there is a self growth and it's in the next choice that there is the "moving on", every choice it is.




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