This is an almost omnipresent fear, which is the fear of looking someone in the eyes.... or also the fear that I experience when my eyes cross someone else's eyes.
I can almost say that it's the fear of the other's contact because I experience something very similar when I hear someone else's steps or just the "close someone 's presence ".
- Eye contact
- steps approaching sound
- knowing that someone (usually that I've previously feared with eye contact ) is close to me
- Almost none.
- I think about me and my environment, judging if it is "presentable" or if it can be argument of judgements/correction
- I judge all the movements that this discomfort situation induce me to do.... thinking like "should I move me this way ? Could he understand that this movement is because I feel uncomfortable with him ? How could I do this damn movement making it seem something natural ? How could I hide my discomfort in this situation ?"
- A quick and impulsive fear... very little and fast that very fastly induce me to look away (but not too far away...)
- Quick and impulsive fear, like if someone is going to beat me (my mother's steps ?)
- discomfort, like not wanting to stay here... not feeling that here I'm free to do/behave like I want.
- Behind the eyes, on the chest area around the heart and a global changing sensation.... something that I could describe as "more presence" but it isn't... it's alert.
- In the chest and a global alert sensation.
- General weakness, tingling in the teeth, hot....
- it was something developed through time, but I can remember my "father's eyes" as the sight that he used to control me.... he always used this technique, together with an high and acute shout.... it totally scared me... I was totally and suddenly frightened and there wasn't anything left of me in the moment except than obey.
- It was something developed through time, but I remember at about any age (increasingly by 12) about my mother's angry fast steps approaching me, usually when I was in my room.
- it was something developed through time, but I can remember something similar starting by the age of 12, when sitting or staying close to some classmates.
- Whenever the sights are crossing.... whenever there is a direct interaction between 2 persons, they look themselves in the eyes... thus everytime there is a "look in the eyes" there "should be" a direct interaction....
- Fast and loud steps towards me were a "problems advice" about my mother.... but rarely it happened the same thing with someone else.
- It happens with persons that barely have something in common and in disparate circumstances and without understanding the real cause.
- The sights crossing are not necessarily something dangerous or to be worried of... these don't lead to "who knows" types of interaction.
- Steps approaching don't mean that the person is necessarily approaching to me or that "noisy steps" are something dangerous for me.... or thinking that the persons around me are continuously paying attention to my desk.... or that "noisy steps are for me !" is not rational.
- Being conceived to not show the other mine discomfort is not something to have "fear of"... and also not even knowing why the other presence puts me in discomfort is not rational.
- In sights crossing/meeting there is the possibility to "generate an attack or a judgement" because of a "direct relation/interaction" created.... there is the inferiority of being discovered in doing something that you "shouldn't do", like "watching" someone else.... like when you see an handicapped person when you are young and your mother told you to " don't look at him, because it's not good"..... thus the inferiority is in being discovered in doing something "not good".
- In steps approaching towards me, it means an "already declared/decided/clear intention" that may regard me directly... it evidence a "tactical advantage".... who is approaching you has already "clear ideas" and comes to you with an "already developed point" that will be displayed to you and that you would have to cope with in the moment.
- In standing close to someone that I feel uncomfortable with and that I don't want to show my estate, there is the inferiority of this feeling uncomfortable.... if the other understands my uncomfort state there are many inferiority points, like the feeling "judgeable" as "inappropriate"/being in a unhappy estate, which in this society is considered being "weak"... or that if the other understand my estate he would feel the same way and thus "reject me"... and I consider "inferior" a rejected person.
- If continuing to look in the eyes a person... it's a challenge matter. There could be even a fight or a "screaming dispute".... or also making them going away.
- In steps approaching, when for instance behind or aside me, sometimes it pops up the image of the person giving me a slap on the head, or on the hear. (My mother did these type of things... like when she woke me up hitting me)
- In staying close to someone, the worst case that could happen is that that person would feel offended by my discomfort because of a judgement towards him (that many times I'm not properly aware of) and that would begin a "screaming dispute" or a fight... or also making them going away.
- fear of:
+ angry face
+ that we need to begin a conversation to justify the relation created
+ being judged as not polite
- fear of:
+ being seen in something that could be judged as inappropriate
+ being attacked from behind.... when I'm defenseless
+ being screamed/shouted out
+ being the object of a critic about something that was expected by me... and that enraged the person that went directly towards me to hit me
- fear of:
+ being judged for the cliches that I judge
+ being seen the same way I look/watch
+ not seeing the danger arriving
+ being fingered/blamed/judged for what I've thought
+ making the other have regret/repulsion of me and making them go away/escaping by me.
- Sometimes, when sights are crossing, the first thing is just to look away, even the slightest bit, but looking away.... up, down, aside.... but there have been many moments in which I was forcing to keep the eyes straight in the other ones till the other don't look away.
- Sometimes I just get rigid/tight or sometimes I sort of "tickle" the pen on the desk, while feeling hot inside and in an "arrogant" position.
- When close to someone I just try to "stay still" and moving the less that I can... almost trying to "disappear"..... some other times (much less) I look directly the other person in the eyes.
For all: first flight, than fight.
For all the 3 of these, I could have so many times avoided a stomach/chest pain and a general "heaviness" that if not, I could have much better managed what was going on after, or even in the moment with that person.
Also I could have been so much better at ease with me and transmitted this to the close people, that would have resulted in a much better interaction at all levels with everyone else in the environment.
- • Fear of Pain: if fighting
• Fear of Death: if fighting
• Fear of Change: if trying anything else than looking somewhere else or looking straight in the eyes.
• Fear of Loss: if losing the the vision that I have of me if trying anything else than than these 2 ways of dealing with the situation.... these 2 ways that determine who I am in relation to this situation.... even if I don't like this "label" that I put on me.
• Fear of the Unknown : if doing anything else other than these 2 things, just because they are what I've always done.
- • Fear of Pain: if someone "slaps me" from behind
• Fear of Death: if someone "stabs me" or for instance pushes me down when the train arrives.
• Fear of Change: like "losing less time" when at work and thus feeling less guilty and less "wrong" in the eyes of others.
• Fear of Loss: as losing the actual "safe place" and the safe and accommodating way I spend the day on the job.
• Fear of the Unknown: as giving up for real to the way I'm passing this time as not knowing "what to do of myself/me/who I am" if stopping to do the "things I actually do of me and with me".
- • Fear of Pain: as the pain I experience in the chest/stomach/head/... the general body sensation... when finding me in that situation
• Fear of Death: as what would result by a fight.... like with a person that I consider stronger and more dangerous than me.
• Fear of Change: .... this is the one I can't interpret .....
• Fear of Loss: as the loss of the "subconscious judgement" that I'm having towards that person.... which I consider a "win".... something that I've learnt and "gained" as what makes me "smarter and advantaged" in living this world
• Fear of the Unknown: as what the other person is "thinking about me" and that I want to control but that I can't know.