Marco's writing

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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 11 Oct 2016, 20:13

I've always known within myself that I'm a bit "childish/infantile" but I've always accepted it as a "funny characteristic" of my "personality".
But recently, had happened some events that l m not so happy to have experienced:

- Rocco made me notice that I'm infantile
- I had a car accident where I was perfectly right but I gave up to compensation just for a bunch of money.
- I feel not taken seriously by my colleagues and parents.
- in behaving with my wife, where I've the tendency to put our relationship on a constant "joke level", where I've defined a "nice relation" in a continuous joke and "challenge on joking"
- the way I play with my cat

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having diminished the car accident and the car damage because I just didn't want to find me in the situation of pretending a compensation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to find me/trying to avoid any bureoucratic action and "circle" because of having judged them a useless waste of time... where it's better to "give it up as soon as possible" through paying what's required..... not pretending anything to not be pretended of anything.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for refusing the world in which I live judging it as uselessly complicated.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for basically wanting to be "left alone" with the justification of "I don't pretend anything from you but you don't pretend anything from me !"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be "left alone" in strictly applying in "what I like" .... which basically is laziness or the "research of what I like".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably trying to "push away" the "becoming old".... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when I was pretty young, pushing away the concept of "growing up" with all my efforts.... so many times I thought "I'll continue to do/be the "stupid" for the rest of my life! Going to the pub and getting drunk with friends and keep on joking till death ! Because this is life !"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for an episode where I was in a farm and me alone I got where stand cows and I threw them some little stones from behind to see their reaction.... I thought it was something "funny" ! ..... a "joke" that was fun because at the end nobody was harmed but the cow's "disturb" was something "funny" ! And in the end I've always accepted this type of behavior towards me too because I felt "part of the joke!".... no matter if I was "the victim" till there was a "joke going on" !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for even getting enraged when at the end someone was insulting me saying "you are just a stupid" while loughing of me..... Sometimes I've reacted saying something like "is this the way you thank me for the way you're loughing out loud ? You're such an ungrateful!"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not feeling as taken seriously by my colleagues.... they're always ready to joke with me..... they do it with a lovely smile on their faces.... there is not "hate" or "bulling" in what they do, so I never explicitly go against them, but sincerely I begin to feel a bit tired !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having built a big part of the relation with my wife on banality,

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for putting the relation with my wife on a joke and "play" level, where I just "wait for the moment" that I can have a joke on her or on something "her related".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for my definition of "joking" which essentially is a way to "go out and express me/put me outside".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for needing to "exit/putting me outside" on a joke level.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for even with colleagues using quite just this form of expression as the "joke interaction" which essentially is an accepted and lowered form of bullying.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for intending this joke/bullying interaction as a way of continuously "putting the context in a positive way for me and negative way for the other".... or (my speciality) emphasizing the negative context over me to be "ME" to have "negativized me" in the end..... so to have the "last sentence on me" at any cost.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for this form of joke/interaction, that consists basically in emotionally "pushing and pulling" each other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the way I treat/play with my cat... which essentially bounces between 2 polarities: the fact that I like to play him like a doll.... and that, when I hug him, I try/want/look for some "love"..... but it's an "artificial conviction"..... just because he is "pretty and cute".

When I was 6 to 13 I had 2 rabbits. I've treated the first one like literally a doll.... and at the end it died. I felt guilty for the way I treated him and for the way it died. I had a second one that I swore to treat him "good". The result was that I treated him "better" but I felt continuously "pushed away" by him, exactly like the first one. Years were passing and the rabbit became more and more aggressive... he was a fury and I couldn't explain me why.... I stopped any abuse and play towards him and I dedicated me entirely to "treat him good" but anytime I got close to him , he roared and scratched me.
... I felt guilty for this.... I tried to hug him and make him understand that I was loving him.... but never worked.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that I've treated my first rabbit like a doll.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for at that time feeling/understanding/perceiving that the way I was behaving with him may not be pleasurable for him, but I couldn't stop me.... simply it was "not enough" to make me stop.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for playing and treating the first rabbit quite badly....I liked putting him in "difficulty".... if there was a "worse way" to make him do anything, I choosed that way.... It was more "fun".....more "suitable" to his role....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that "trouble is more fun".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been responsible for his death, because I didn't care if what we were doing was "more traumatic" instead of doing it in a respectable and careful way... it simply didn't worth the "effort".... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty for his death.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, as a child, not having considered fear/pain/uncomfortability in the way I was playing with him..... and, when I had faced the consequences, having put fear of abandon/lose in the way I played with animals and humans.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been interested just to see the "behavior after the act" when playing with the animal, without having "put me in his shoes" to understand what my self interests were "costing him".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for (with the second rabbit) having developed a "challenge attitude" in the way he attacked and roared me where I challenged him in "who is the fastest".... him scratching me or me in retiring my hand without considering that this way of playing wasn't surely pleasurable for him.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doing this with my cat too actually when I feel "rejected"..... as if "if I've no other way to interact with you, I'll go for this one.... as this is the way you're choosing to interact with me" instead of trying to understand what I want by him, what he could want by me and what can be a common point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having kept this way of playing in many occasions during my early age with friends and persons too.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having gone in the opposite polarity of it, where I've repressed my interactions with others both for "education" and for lack of trust in me.

When and as I see that I find me in the situation to can pretend something by someone else, but I want to give up, both because I feel "pity" for the other person and because I don't want to find me in "bureaucratic circles" and in this way I find me "diminishing/banalizing" the benefits I could have just to help me to give up, I stop and breath.
I realize that this is not a way to respect me and to "prepare me" in my future, but to just not facing the immediate consequences and to "fool me" that "nothing noticeable is happening.
Thus I commit myself to try to "see" the practical incomes of the situation and to not give up to "who I am" in favour to "who the other is" because I can't pretend by me something I can't pretend by others.

When and as I see that I play with colleagues or my wife or friends in this soft and accepted "bullying way", I stop and breath.
I realize that nothing good never comes out of this and that in each way I'm used to deal with the situation, it never comes up with something "constructive" or "friendly" in the end, but just both sides feel disempowered/judged and less self confident.
I commit myself to (for now) observe my inner status while watching what I "can't actually stop or change" so to gradually stop my identification in this construct.

When and as I see that I play with the cat in a not so fairy and respectable way, I stop and breath.
I realize that in this moment I'm not respecting me exactly as the cat.
Thus I commit myself to stop the game and beginning to trust him "the way I know" as that particular understanding/agreement/entente that I had experienced.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 05 Apr 2017, 19:01

I'm going to analyze and forgive the "public speaking/interview pattern".


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for remembering about the maturity exam when I was 18 when I was completely muted/astonished/stuck .... And my mind and I felt completely blind/empty.... Like thinking "What does she want ? What is she talking about.... ? Am I supposed to know this ?"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not even having a clue of how to reply in any way... Not even questioning anything.... Not even knowing how to ask for further info... Basically because any question would have revealed/exposed me as my real knowledge of the thing...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having accepted my ignorance on the matter and tried to gather more info in asking back something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for that muted state where simply anything didn't have any sense.... And where I felt totally powerless without any motivation and sense of "me/who I am" to stand up and and starting to "take back" anything to what could be supportive to me and my state.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having simply refused what was going on.... Accepting a state of confusion and fear..... Giving up to me and staying blocked/freezed... With that state of mind where you have only the perception of the 5 senses and The "motor skills" activated and the high reflexes..... Perceiving every new question as a new threat to deal with.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still despising/blaming/hating that professor, validating this emotion with the other persons opinion that is the same.... Blaming her of prideness and acidity.... Blaming her to not had let me express and to have obliged/forced me to bend my will and my "research need" to her way/standards.... I basically blame her to have "bended me" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been me to bend me because I didn't have/perceive any other choice and thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still carrying with me that hate and that reminiscence of that episode which subconsciously tells me "keep staying muted and waiting till it will end".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for intending now forgiveness as "being pity for me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for effectively taking this episode as an exam.... A school exam where you fear the teacher and the class.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for all those times where the teacher had said "today we question......." while moving the finger up and down on the register.... And I felt the pain in the stomach and the tension arising..... The time was stopped.... Nothing was moving in the class no one was breathing..... It was just a matter of "please not me..... Anyone else but not me...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for in the having developed a sort of "controlled devaluation" where I spontaneously ridiculize me when I don't feel at the height of the situation to sort of distract the attention and to take anything "by my side".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for now remembering an episode where I spontaneously was ridiculing me to make other friends loughing.... I was liking to be part of that "happiness".... I was liking to be the author/generator of those lols.... And I didn't perceive anything wrong/bad within that.... Apart from my father that was reproving me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having recurred so many times to this "controlled devaluation" even because it makes me feel good to think that so many people are having a good time thanks to my intervention...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when after I meet those persons, I feel towards them "special and unique" because of thinking to have established a more "intimate contact" with them because I've sort of "put naked" towards them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having wanted to "put me naked" in many ways.... Like for instance in publicly declaring personal issues... Or in not caring about my behavior in relation to the environment.... Or in going publicly against someone in a strong way, but sort of transmitting him a "playful way", so that I want to be seen in a "father/friend" way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when feeling in difficult, basically "reverting" the rage in the other towards me.... Essentially through devaluing me in presence of others because in this way it's "safer" for anyone.... To avoid to "frontally face" the situation as explicitly going against someone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for repressing rage through "irony".... Where I sort of don't accept to be angry for what is actually happening... Like if what has been said/it's going on is just an "accepted joke" or "something that it's correct to accept".... And thus I'm not allowing me to be/feel angry for that.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually having this as an automated pattern, where the irony is an automated response which even gives/suggests me the "right funny answer" that i have the perception of being appreciated.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that "preparing" what to say and what to talk about is ineffective, because "right now" it seems so logic and true, while in the moment of saying it, it will sort of reveil all it's weakness.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "creating the weakness of what I say" because I feel the "judgement upon me" and I continuously correct me in each aspect that I can see as a "breach in the hull".... Ending up that everything is "lowering and lowering".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of interpreting the "other's sight" as a critic of what I'm saying and as their "perplexity" about my sentences and I begin to explain/correct/going deeper in each aspect, resulting that I'm not exposing what I want but I'm effectively just "justifying me"..... Defending me as my "thought/line of thinking".... Thinking that in defending it I'm in essence "defending me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having associated to "defending my thoughts/opinions" defending "me" because of all the times that my opinion/thought has been attacked/diminished/devalued, even vehemently and with an "energy attack", where I've felt in essence "threatened".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for for all the thousands of times where my mother and father and friends diminished my point of view through criticizing me even by blaming/labelling/diminishing me and what I "am" in their definition.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for remembering and mentally regenerating/reliving those "opinion fights" with my mother, father and friends where I mentally generate a discussion where I'm "better/winner".... Where I win over them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for so many times when I was in this real scenario, I gave up to my opinion and to the discussion, saying to me that "it doesn't worth it.... It's better to save energies and let the thing display so that it will end fastly" (with my father)..... But in essence I gave up to "ME" too many times or even I "fought" for too long and without the wanted result (with my mother).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking at who is listening to me thinking something like "oh my god... What should I hear.... I can't bare to this shit.... But I can't say or do anything about that..... I can't manifest what I think/experience.... Because I want to be SUPERIOR to my own rage".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for so many times having thought the same things about other persons I was talking with.... For having felt trapped in the "it's not this way but I can't say it because it's too much different from his concepts and in the end he is not even interested...." and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, especially when feeling tired, translating this concept in "oh what a stress.... Look at what I have to bare again...." and then generating a total "enclosure/detachment/impatient" towards the other person.

------ After the performance, points to discuss:

- constantly repeating and reliving the peculiar moments that I feel haven't gone as expected or as I'd wanted to be perceived as.

- feeling "muffled" and not in control..... Completely unaware and powerless about what was going on.... Driven by "someone else" that I don't know it's just another character or something more related to "me".... But trusting it

- "paralytic smile" on the face.... Hard as rock and immutable... For almost the whole performance.

- because almost the whole of the time it was a comic and satiric show.... And everytime that someone talked to me, "I needed to reply!"


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for continuing to live and re live in my mind the point that I think that had been misunderstood by the audience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to re-experience those moments so to like wanting to "correct" what happened and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for in essence feeling a "deficiency/lack" about those moments in the precise moment that I remember it and then urging within me the need to "correct them" as to correct the emotion related to it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for essentially remembering those episodes for 2 factors: a moment of great embarrass or of great "success".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having essentially experienced than the 2 polarity of fear, where in the negative case I try to "correct the experience" in a "less dangerous scenario" and in the positive I want to "re experience that" as a relief.

When and as I see that I'm going to relive/re experience a past situation trying to re-explain to me or to others what "I meant" in a more rightful or fascinating way, I stop and breath.
I realize that I'm actually trying to re deal with that emotion positive or negative and to live it..... Trying to deal with the way I perceive/experience me in this moment because actually it's what I think I am in this moment, without realizing that I'm just missing me and this moment.
Thus I commit myself to stop it and honestly living the emotion that I'm experiencing now without any mind intervention and just allow me to realize the "link" between me and that emotion, realizing that that emotion is who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having experienced the "muffled feeling" while in front of the audience, where I felt totally..... "muffled".... Where the sensibility and perception of my body was Like anesthetized.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, while speaking, feeling unaware of me and my body.... Like if I put the "automatic pilot".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for staying in the doubt of "what was that automatic pilot?.... Was that just another character? Or was much more similar to what I'm calling "ME"?"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt like "put aside" as just a spectator who is almost blind and deaf.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doubting and questioning this "other me" that took control of the situation because in essence it did quite a great job... But for habit I'm questioning each step I'm doing and this is not healthy both for me and for the process.

When and as I see that I'm undergoing to this "personality shift" and I'm then "questioning it" just because it's something new and inexperienced and in this way I'm "stopping/blocking" it from expressing and displaying, I stop and breath.
I realize that in questioning it in that moment I'm sort of "mutilating/blocking/cutting" something that has its own potential and its own "part of me" and that if I want walk this process I have to firstly accept and allow within me anything new about me.... Thus I need to allow and accept that new experience to know and understand it.
Thus I commit myself to just letting me be "pervaded" by it and within this choice allowing me to be a better "spectator of it" and then being more able to explain it to me after.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed what someone would call a "false and circumstances smile" that usually I put on When embarrassed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, during the performance, having felt that smile displaying as hard as rock.... It totally conditioned my face.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt embarrassed by my own smile... That I felt too "tightened/stretched" but I couldn't modify it.... It was stronger than me....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for usually smiling that way when feeling embarrassed or in a new situation where I feel in the center of the attention.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doing that smile when feeling I'm being "inserted" in a new environment or when I have too many people or new people that are there "for me" and that I'm feeling "dependent by" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for like interpreting these persons as the ones that have power over me and that I think I need to make "happy" as being "pleasant".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for smiling or even loughing when in embarrasse to essentially deal with "rage and pressure" because I'm not feeling at the height of the expectations.... Feeling that they are "waiting for me" and that they are having their expectations, like that I solve their problems or that I give them "credits" when they try to be "nice" with me.... Like if they want to have a positive feedback by me... They are looking for it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling obliged to give a "nice/happy/positive feedback" when someone comes to me for it and within rhis I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for in past having been the polarity of it, as in not wanting to satisfy the "positive feedback" I felt wanted.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for putting on that smile basically when I fear.... Or feel ashamed.... In each case when I feel threatened and I experience that mix of rage and fear.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for probably having inherited this by my father. I remember his way of playing and staying with his friends that was made of these smiles and laughs.... Sketches....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for at those times having admired him for the way he was making everyone laugh and the apparent "radiance" that he was distributing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt pity for him later, when seeing him not being respected and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt ashamed of being his son and for having felt the need to not respect him too.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing that my "respect" is being threatened when smiling that way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for Feeling/experiencing that in the other person is being happening a "respect attack" towards me to sort of gain power and to subtract the attacker from experiencing a certain situation....where this situation makes him feel "exposed".... In danger....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when in the show, having put on the "rock smile" for sort of "preventing" any sort of attack to my "respect"..... And because a "smily person is a nice person".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having inherited/acquired the "smiling" in a dangerous situation.... As I feel this as the most useful response to threatens and rage as
- it seems "self ironic" and self irony is considered a good quality
- it preserves the "environment" as it keeps a "positive atmosphere" in the group... And I consider that a judgement of being "remissive/permissive" is a "not so bad judgement"
- it's better than a "challenge" or a "rage explosion" that puts on a "bad atmosphere" that carries with it fear and bad judgements that I consider worse and dangerous.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having chosen in my life the positive judgement of being "remissive/permissive..... Not dangerous" as I've felt overwhelmed by attacks.... I've felt I can't keep on with the continuous attacks.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created the polarity within me of "good atmosphere or bad atmosphere".... Where this "atmosphere" is something always related "outside me" .... But never protecting/realizing/considering/caring my "inner atmosphere".


When and as I see that I'm putting on the "smile", no matter the circumstances, I stop and breath.
I realize that this a form of deal with a perceived threat/attack which is strictly related to fear and rage.... And the "smile" is the unconscious way to handle and express this fear and rage.... A way to accept and to "relate to me" what is happening.... Like "make the best of a bad situation" but not in a physical and productive way. This is actually the symptom of my inability to deal with the threat and then trying a "soft and gentle" approach to "absorb it".
Thus I commit myself to notice it everytime, trying to focus on "why is this feeling me threatened" and what is being threatened within me.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when joking or "putting me in a joke situation" feeling the need to reply at each "exchange" where for instance someone gives a funny paragon and you need to reply in some way so to participate in what has been created.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for partly having developed this as a form of "not remaining behind" where something had been "taken" from me and from others and I want to be the one who "takes it too".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the "next part", where after this exchange there is the "silence" where it seems that everyone in the group need to "elaborate" what has gone.... Like if the energy generated should be "re absorbed and re distributed" inside and outside the body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, during the show, having felt the need of replying to any "judgement" I felt towards me... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to fall in the polarity of it where I just "shut up and let the thing go".... Because it never actually really "goes" and you feel within you and others that "something has gone wrong".... Like if the judgement "had been placed".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the inadequacy I experience when someone arrives (especially a "superior") and tries to be "likeable/nice" and I feel like the "due" to "satisfy" his need of consideration.... Exactly like my father did when young.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for those times where my father was trying to be nice with me and made me "fake questions" with a great smile and a quite high and emphatic voice tone... Probably expecting a similar "enthusiastic reply".... Like "ok ! Would you like to do this !? ... Ah !?" .... And I didn't feel that way.... And I was seeing his enthusiasts face looking at me waiting for my confirm but I didn't "meant it"...And I felt stuck in not wanting to delude "his expectations" but not feeling the "same" as him.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having felt "adequate to him"....


When and as I see that I find me in a "joke situation" where I sort of "need to reply" in some way to "not find me back/behind" and to not allow an atmosphere of "disease" (by the fact that I didn't participate in the joke), I stop and breath.
I realize that this is because I don't want to be left in a "disadvantaged status/position" in relation to what is happening.... Like if I'm not "fitting in" in something I "need".
I commit myself to, for now, follow the "flux" and just analyze the situation, emotions and the inner thoughts to gather more info.



User avatar
mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 31 May 2017, 19:36

I remember when I had a girlfriend in Rome. We saw each other about once every 3 weeks.
In the last period, things were getting harder and for her wasn't enough what we were living.... And many and many times she was breaking down and trying to break our relationship.

The fact was that for me it wasn't such a problem.... I was perfectly fitting in that situation because I was feeling "free" for the most of the time and I just saw her the little time it was needed to not getting tired of each other.

So for me this situation was almost "perfect" and when we stayed together, our feelings were really strong.
But for her it began to be not enough after a year..... She wasn't "stable" as before and she was complaining about everything.... She was saying everytime that one must move in the other's city or we break up.

Thus what I was doing in the last period was basically "containing her"... I've created this sort of definition of men and women where women were the "mad ones" who with their madness were "keeping life interesting for the men"...... Where the men should find out any sort of way to make them feel "special/valuable/happy".... And in this way I've created also this superiority pattern of the man where the man is the "master of puppets" and where I've considered this as superior because I basically didn't understand women and this continuous "dissatisfaction" that lead them to change everything.... But in such an "illogic and destructive way".... And that seemed to me so "masochistic".... I've judged women as gender as "totally lost and mad".... Women almost scared me as I felt them as "unreliable".... Persons that you cannot count on.... Actually my mother was the biggest example of this..... And I blame my mother for having done our living together such a daily hell.
Sometimes, when I felt that I couldn't keep up with that girlfriend requests I went into judgement and despise... Thinking "what the f ! Stop having these continuous breakdown and complaining ! What's wrong with you ? Don't you see all these nonsense?" ..... And I wasn't paying attention the fact that I was just.... "giving up to me".... And I wasn't a good "companion".... I was just "letting me be"..... Just wanting to live "day by day".... Not realizing all the ways I was being unkind/unpleasant/distract.... Far away... Completely lost In a routine and in the absence of what were the "first times".... The first year we were so much "alive and connected" to each other, then after it seemed to me that something "obvious and.... given" had been given to me that just simply was "mine"..... And that I hadn't any further need of cultivating it.
I simply saw that "love" to disappear slowly and slowly.... Day by day..... Yes it was bad but I got slowly used to it.... And what left was just a sense that "now I've accomplished to a basic need, having a stable girlfriend. Finally I can relax ! And simply dedicating me to whatever I like".... Without understanding that whatever I like were just ways to be less and less present/alive...... I sort of self convinced me to have obtained what I "need".... Like if what I needed was related/within that person that now is already "mine".... Everything else is just "passing the time".

I even remember that when we were arguing and then we make "peace" and everything was "fine", we sort of re experienced that type of "love/connection" for just a brief time..... Until even those cases became within my mind just a "ok.....I'm Safe again..... Fiiiiuuu..... Let's get back to what I was thinking and doing...... "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created the pattern/judgement that the feminine gender is "mad/creazy/unreliable" and for having even defined this madness as the "interesting part" of females.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that females are "self-destructive and unreliable" and that it's a man's task to continuously handle and redirect everything.... Which was what happened with my mother.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for being angry and blaming my mother for having made me feel/convinced that I had to care about everything and that I had to handle situations and her instead of her and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that "it's obvious bloody hell!" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thus not letting past in my back and not allowing me to move on as moving on means literally having the ability to "look ahead" and forgetting/forgiving the past... As past is past in its self definition.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually not allowing me to look away by past as past is what I've lived in.... Like never admitting to me that and which things are "completed and done".... Because I don't feel them as" accomplished.... Ended" I sort of feel that they are still "present.... Walking around... Still acting behind and around me".... Cause I think they're who I Am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having understood that I didn't understand" women" and partners and their "illogical self destructive behavior" because that behavior was actually the desperate attempt to change an unsatisfying routine because I have actually always embraced that routine as almost my life purpose.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made of routine a "point of stability".... Where I always have something satisfying to" do after" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thus having created a discomfort/fear/pain dissatisfaction /"blody hell! God dam it! Life sucks! Another time! I don't want it! "whenever happens anything that deviates from routine and forces me to face anything new, especially any new effort in handling a new" lifestyle or status".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having masked/hided behind routine an "insensibility" to who my companion was and was going through.... Preferring to do "crazy things" sometimes to have the illusion to escape from routine and to give a sense/shock/shake to life.... Or, like in more recent years, just letting me be entertained by my mind when with her....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having allowed me to be so distracted.... Within me and my companion..... I was too busy in being and defining me "crazy" in my routine (also to justify an unkindness and distraction)... Like trying to escape by......... Kindness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for being a mad and crazy one always "joking" because I felt it easier than being "kind and lovable and caring".... It was better" giving me/expressing me " through making others lough and being a" lough/smile carrier" than a "care and sensibility " carrier.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made with my mother a routine to argue and fight with her.... At the point that being angry with each other was just a "normal state" and we not even remembered why we were angry with each other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having forgotten/given up to whatever I was experiencing with that girlfriend in a day by day routine in which there was "something" that slowly and surely, took place of everything.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for intending that relation as "something I have acquired/accomplished/taken"... I was happy because I sort of" self dignified me"... I sort of gave me the permission of dedicating me to "everything else".... Like if" I've done my job of finding a girlfriend, now I want all what remains ! " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for essentially.... Not having ever understood what was" love" or to really share me and who I am with someone else... I was lonely before and lonely after.... I rather more used her to express other egos and personalities... I've always been just in my mind... Vorticating in opinions that made me feel important/valuable.... Self explanations of what reality/humanity/society is.... And self explanations of what's right or wrong and invented/personalized ways of gaining consideration/popularity/superiority.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having played the game of "power" still at young age.... When my favorite play was other's manipulation.... I wanted to be seen and feel like a James Bond.... I liked him so much... He could have whatever he wants and who he wants because he always "knew what to say" and "how to look/stare at others" and how to "move".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having basically passed my life imitating James Bond or other similar.... Having given my whole commitment in imitating characters and "idols".... Gods..... Using everyone, males and females, just to" feel more like him".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having run behind an un existing character.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still persisting in this "idolatry" whenever I see people on the street or on the job.... Where whenever I pass through someone I experience the "how should I be seen and how should I see her/him?".

When and as I see that I go into idolatry a pattern/character/"social image" especially when passing through other people, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I had created this by being fascinated till young age, watching movies and cartoons like cowboy bebop/Trigun/DragonBall/James Bond/the Bourne identity/Simpsons/GTO/city Hunter ... And remaining fascinated by the great abilities and conquers that they spoke about.... I said so many times "it's this way that a valuable and worthy person should behave!" without realizing that that's not me and that I can't be anyone else other than me... And whatever I experience within the words "me/be me" it's just another self created character conceived in the biggest part in relation to the others "idol characters" as a self judgment of inadequacy and inferiority.
Thus I commit myself to, whenever I feel observed by someone or observing someone, to stop participating in unconsciously wanting to conform to a scheme/pattern/guideline.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 24 Sep 2017, 15:14

It's like that I'm living under a constant never ending subtle headache.
Like if I'm constantly "high" in "managing/controlling/explaining" whatever I'm currently experiencing/doing/thinking to an hypothetical character....Like a constant "collocation" of whatever I'm doing or thinking in a constant back chat that towards someone/"a character" that I sort of have to....Be "accountant" of....
It's a constant outflow that makes me restless. It's like that I need to judge everything. Really.... A constant judgment of everything I see, I do, I think. And in relation to the judgement I also have to sort of "adjust the thing".... Like experiencing a politeness ought.... Where I have oughts to" justify me" for what I've thought towards an hypothetical character.... Which sometimes can be represented by a person I know or simply to "myself".
Sometimes I even "fight" in this theater representations.... Where I argue/shout/challenge other persons..... everything in my head and sometimes I find me also moving my hands, moving the lips and watching the void. Not too much aware in the mean time.... Possessed and identified.... I realize it mostly later.
The worst thing though, is that whenever I find me "doing something" in my mind, I sort of "self scare me".... Like" oh my God I'm thinking! " and that is just repeated automatically over and over..... Like if I've decided that what I'm doing is a" no no!... A tabù ".
And that always generates an emotion of fear within me similar to a "buh!".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, since the morning when I wake up, beginning with acting out like a" pressure" within the head.... Pressure which goes from inside to outside especially towards the face, the back of the head (up the neck), the top of the head... And usually the chin is tightened.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when I wake up and realizing that "I'm awake" instantly starting this "pressure".... Within my head... And also generating an" heaviness/node/constriction/weight" in the chest area.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for generating a judgment towards the "inner state" that in the current moment I'm "observing".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for expecting a sort of "finish line" in each inner state that I'm observing and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for triggering this fake "observation of inner state" anytime I become aware of a change.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for implicitly thinking/triggering an expectation state that means "uououo wait wait.... Is this the right time? Is this the change moment"? And within this deviating the new experience that I'm undergoing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for so many times, especially in the morning when just awoke, remembering old situations or generating new ones in the mind where I'm in a conflictual situation that I manage to handle.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for handling that self generated situation in either basically 2 ways:
- trying to justify it to the other person till I feel satisfied of the way the "given explanation" covers the point
- arguing/taking a firm position/imposing/fighting my point as absolute right and winning.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for trying to sort out/invent example to better "explain" my point to someone else.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for basically doing it with any "conviction" that I have that goes openly against the habits of the system, where basically I know that people think something is "obvious and given".... And I sort out new and new ways of" fighting/arguing/challenging" the other "resistance to my new and opposite point of view.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for justifying the" strange/odd targets and choice/commitments " that I give me to analyze and handle the patterns I'm observing the process.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the ought I feel to explain me what's happening within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for even just replying past discussions (even simple exchanges) in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for for also reminding me some "logical assumption" (especially on the job for problem solving) to test within me the "strength of it".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reinterpreting a scenario as "how I would have replied in that occasion now that I know the answer".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for generating scenarios about people that I've just seen who triggered a judgement of danger or arguing.... Displaying a series of questions/replies in a defense/attack/justification perspective.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for generating scenarios of how I would explain or handle an interpretation of a situation when a particular person is listening in the background to what I'm saying in terms of satisfying what I think are the that person's judgment criterias (like a job boss or an authoritative figure).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for instance when I see an ad panel with the advice of a school, University or an important job, feeling the "head pressure".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when I think I'm doing something "not properly right or borderline" when for instance changing a queue for some reason and thinking that this may go against others interests, fearing instantly a rageous reaction by someone and projecting an instant scenario of arguing and behaviors.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for redisplaying within my minds funny and laughing scenarios, enjoying in readjusting/modifying them in so many ways to enhance that moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, after reading an email, continuing to repeat it in my mind trying to "sorting out" or reelaborating it... Recalling so many times the emotions and feelings that generated and trying to sort out the "inner intentions" that the writer has... Without realizing that there's no way I can understand it and it's just a huge waste of time/energies/awareness.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also re-reading my emails in remuginating trying to sort out "what went wrong" or being "proud" about what I wrote..... Finding confidence in what I wrote and trying to modify or remuginating on what I did without much understanding of what effectively I'm going through.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to read again my emails to trying to sort out/justify what could have triggered that type of response wondering "what's written that caused that response? What that person is referring to? What maybe he knows/saw/interpreted that gave that output? What I wrote is acceptable! Maybe he misunderstood this or that..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when entering a shopping center, let me be pushed and pulled by everything that I see, where the mind always tries to evaluate/weigh/give a conclusion/assert/judge everything that I see and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for doing the same with the cars I see on the street, evaluating them for affordability..... Weighing all the pros and cons and trying to sort out if they would be "worthy" for me or someone I know.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for repeating within my mind the sentence that I have just voiced... Like to test it/"validate it".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for reacting whenever someone touches me, for instance when is my wife I feel instantly the "order" to retouching her (when in an intimate moment) or if it's another (extraneous) person instantly the order to "escape/move away from it (sometimes with my wife too when" not intimate").

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking to Bernard everytime I think to the mind... And I think to how he may live/exist within himself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the pain I feel in the back of the neck/head in places plenty of people, especially when I feel I've "nothing to do" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the pain/heaviness/compression in the lower back.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this getting worse everytime that someone gets to me/talks to me/asks anything me or everytime "everything happens around me" like voices/sounds/persons getting closer and in general everything that should "require my attention".... It's like a rush starting from the head and getting down to the chest and lower back.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for strengthening the abdomen/the neck/head back/the chest area everytime I'm eating something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting the mind to complain about itself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when passing through the ad panels feeling always pushed/pulled.... And always needing to "re-adjust" within my mind what had pushed/pulled in a way that is acceptable for me, where for instance I sort of "start a discussion" with what is wrote on the panel.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for evaluating my "inner state" if satisfying or not and always ending up with the thought "it won't be worthy to live the rest of my life this way".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for evaluating/weighing everything that I hear from other people, remaining "linked" with my attention and being to the words spoken as if they are told to me..... Just because I'm "present there" and I can hear the speech and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for paying always attention to what I'm saying whenever I see that I'm heard by someone, even if it's a perfect stranger.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for putting my attention on everything that doesn't seem "as it should be" which means as my mind thinks should be.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for looking for something "more" in each thought/realization/perception/moment of awareness in which I occur.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for essentially writing this forgiveness for like "storing/putting aside/gaining/having/locking" this something more that I think I've "gained" with this realization.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty and embarrassed everytime that I exit from job place for doing something I "like" or I want/need to do.... Like if what I'm doing is "less important" and that it's not a "right priority" and that this choice is reproofable/not remarkable... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then sometimes going to the boss and trying to explain him the "point of my work in progress" and how I've planned the tasks for tomorrow so to receive a sort of "exit pass" from the boss.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sometimes keep repeating within me the same sentence/assertion for 3, 4, 5,6 times.... Like remaining stuck in that thought to sort of giving a sense to it... But almost unaware of what I'm doing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking "oh no...." when I surprise me "thinking" or when I surprise me in the emotion after thinking.... Like a "fail" But without explicitly saying the words "oh no" in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for emphasizing everything that happens making then everything something more than what it is under a mind perspective..... Thus generating emotions out of it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for creating scenarios of "violence" where I keep on defending by persons frustrated that just wants to "bully".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for living in a block where there are many "dangerous people" and where many times during the day you hear persons shouting each other (also in foreign languages) or you hear persons damaging cars and throwing beer bottles.... Or where on the bus you can see many "drunk scenes".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for can't get out of figuring within my mind to personally be in that situation.... To personally stay there and being involved in that scenario.... Or to personally intervene to basically "putting out my point".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for imagining a scenario where I "defeat the opponent" and the way I can do it in the most "realistic way".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created a SELF-MANIPULATION mechanism that whenever I remind me a commitment, it start with an unspoken judgment... Like just the emotion of "it's not that way.... You have lost it.... It's just a soul less replica of what was your some days ago.... It's purely mental...." and in some way is even right.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "surprising me in fail!" like an authority (father, mother, teacher, boss...) that scares you without at your shoulders without any advice because of something that I'm doing as "inappropriate" and that for instance I've been warned to not do again.... Whenever I surprise me doing something I've decided to not do again and that I've "decided" it's not healthy/appropriate/convenient for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sometimes doing this with Andriana, justifying this action saying me and her that "I've warned her" and that "in this way you will remember the next time" without realizing that this could be also an excuse to maintain this approach and to physically exert the emotion that that behavior triggered within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "speaking to me" like if I've to convince someone else about the validity and "weight" of an Idea that I've/want to convince someone else of... Usually because I judge what I'm saying as something that could be interpreted as of "personal interest".... Thus I basically test within me a" justification".... Where I basically try to expose within me an explanation that is "free of that justification" trying to convince me as the other that what I'm saying is "true" independently by any possible way to relate it to any personal interest.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for needing to prove within me that there's nothing "bad/malicious/reproof able" to "me" in what I'm saying and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for wanting to see/catch/intercept the "personal interest" in everything I see because I decided long time ago that this is the "true way" to interpret the world.... Thus doing the same onto me as interpreting the "facade" of whatever I'm saying as a personal interest matter.... Thus thinking to how the auditor can interpret what I'm saying under that idea and trying to justify/relocate/re-saying everything under the idea of "no matter if it seems a personal interest, it's true.... Thus it's not me".


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for also trying to convince me as someone else to do/watch/follow/agree with anything, like if I need to validate and perpetuating and spread what I've "chosen".


++++++++++++

Pain in the lower back - adrenaline glands.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for when I've to correct something I did wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for it when I do something "wrong".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for it when hearing something that is "wasting" like water down the tap or fridge open

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for it when trying to discover or understand something, like for instance how long it will take to reach a place where I have an appointment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for it when things don't go as expected and I've to sort out why and how to handle it.



User avatar
mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 14 Oct 2017, 10:16

There is a pattern with Andriana which really challenges us: she is very "bossy".
She is used to give orders and to "make rules be respected"..... And the tonality and the rage and energy she puts in it is quite astonishing. <br/>
<br/>
She is this way till she arrived here in Italy although during years she evolved that pattern in a more sophisticated and "grown-up" way. Me and Elena have reacted to this in different ways, but essentially the common starting point was "there's no way she can win the fight".</t>

This is a starting point which concerns me because will lead her to gain more and more of that pattern and this also represents a failure to me as a father and with my own" principles".... As having a daughter that doesn't respect and recognize/"love" me.... Where I had blamed my mother for having been such a "witch/harridan" for me that "deserved all my hate and despise".... I can't allow me and my daughter" to have such an image of me and behavior onto me".

The most typical dynamic is that when for some reason Elena says me to do something in a moment that I'm not particularly inclined to, or simply reminds me of something I had to do, Andriana almost instantly steps in with a bad voice and face, saying in an authoritative way: "Marco! Go to do this! Now! ".

My instant thoughts/ reactions in that precise moments are:" look at this stupid and pathetic little child! How does she dare to behave this way with me? When will her stop to order/command what others should or shouldn't do?"
This makes me and Elena arise a lot of rage and of "rightness to scold/menace/submit her".... Like saying:" aha! Then you are really asking for it! You really want to be scolded and being put aside! ".
There is almost a touch of sadism in all this, where the fact that Andriana is visibly" weaker" than what she is trying to appear when for instance she tries to raise up her voice and give the "shouting scream" like "MARCO!!!" trying to be scaring.... It rises up within me almost a "rightness/duty" to make her face the "truth" of her condition.
The fact is that when she tries to be scaring.... She actually is!.... The way she rises up her voice and the energy she puts in it... It really leaves you astonished and destabilized.... And once you "take back yourself".... The immediate and natural reaction is to" strike back" the scare.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for experiencing the urge to "strike back" the scare, without understanding that in participating in this Ping-pong the 2 of us are going to build up more and more of this will to scare to submit the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having undergone so many times this type of pattern, where for my father was almost usual to scare me to obtain my attention.... And for my mother was almost usual to start any "imposition" already knowing I would have fought against her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed with my mother an "hardness" within me.... A "resistance wall" always ready to be risen up just every time I perceived her presence.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for this "natural and obvious" reaction where when she shouts me and I'm not "prepared" to that, there's firstly a fear/quake/tremble/confusion/lostness within me.... And once "taken back" and seeing that it's "all ended"... Arising the will/anger to re do the same against her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for the" rightness" to act against her that sometimes I experience, where she "has to understand/ must realize /I've to educate her" that she can't allow herself to behave this way with anyone.... But in the end, I behave the same way as her onto her and onto others, even if it's in a more sophisticated and polite and "righteous and justified" way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having undergone that pattern so much and so many times when young.... Where for my mother was almost a routine throwing me tantrums and my father had his moments that I couldn't do anything or stay anywhere that was just "wrong".

I forgive myself for NOT having accepted and allowed myself to understand that for Andriana is not a matter of imposing her superiority onto me or anyone else but it's rather more a way to interact and deal with other people which has learnt in school, family and friends.

I forgive myself for NOT having accepted and allowed myself to interact/deal with her finding a way to overcome the superiority/imposition schema/construct and embracing her as a being that is trying to voice/express/live herself.... Thus being me the example of interaction and expression as I know that I'm capable to.

When and as I see that Andriana is trying to impose herself in a "little teacher way" with impositions, rules and superiority behavior, I stop and breath.
I realize that she is just emulating the behaviors onto herself with the starting point of interacting and expressing herself with other people.
Thus I commit myself to drop down the defense constructs and embracing her will to interact and express herself with me.




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