Marco's writing

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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 09 Jan 2015, 19:49

Negative emotion of when i was very young, about 5.

In my life my father had always come to take me once every 2 weekend. When he took me back he always was remaining about 10 minutes to have a chat with my mother and i always stayed there watching them speaking.
That time was different.... I was perceiving that my father was quite upset.... He had been for the whole weekend.... I sort of expected something bad will happen.
It was a money matter.... Now that i think about it my father was completely right in his point, but it doesn't matter now....his behaviour within it is the core.
I remember that they began to scream one another and a bad emotion started rising within me. Then my father, in a clear moment of rage, stood up and went towards my mother with the clear intent to put his hands on her (probably he wanted to give her some slaps).
My mother, who has always been an active and "blind" feminist, when realized what my father was going to do to "HER!! " :) reacted so vehemently that my father desisted almost immediately in his intent. He then put the hands in the wallet and litterally threw the money to her and went away. It was a clear message of brake.
The peculiar fact in this was that, i don't remember when exactly, at some point i litterally exploded in a moment.... I emitted a loud noise and big tears went immediately down my eyes. In that precise moment they stopped immediately and both looked to me simultaneously for about 2 or 3 seconds.... Then they started again exactly like before.
When my father went away, my mother was very angry and had a very bad behaviour with me too.... I tried to calm her taking the money from the floor and bringing to her telling her that "there were many" but her sight/face standed to me bad and firm.... The sight of whom has "knowledge and power", the sight of who knows exactly what is thinking... The sight that you know that when the silence will be broken it will happen something fast and strong.... Something that i won't have the time and preparation to deal with.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that in this episode, within the money matter, I'm by "my father's side", probably because i have always had problems with money with my mother, while almost never with my father.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always blamed my mother to be a stingy too much worried about money. She was the typical old person which lived in the after war, always fearing of seeing the money "going away from the hands" without ever realizing the giant amount of it that she had.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having blamed my mother to always have "all the money she wants for her, but never enough for me" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always felt "as being lied" and for having then felt many times allowed to blame her for what i wasn't able to have or for the paragons i did with my peers.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving now rage/blame and judgement in remembering her reaction every time I asked her money.... The reaction of a disappointment derived by the "i don't understand what is important yet! Or i don't understand that this is a preoccupation that i shouldn't give to my mother! ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "by my father 's side" as i feel that i "understand" his reaction as i understand all his argumentations (that some i still remember and that i've used against my mother later) and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having seen in his act a "liberation".... The outburst/the "right consequence"/the right satisfaction in thinking "at least she took what she deserved!"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this sense of "vengenance" is derived from all the times that i've blamed my mother for how i reputed me "different"/disadvantaged.... Unjustifiedly disadvantaged with my peers.... As if i wasn't allowed to be and feel as all my "similars"... As what i was taught to aim to, but i couldn't because of no ACCEPTABLE REASON other then the "will" of someone else... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt to "hate " as the blaming reason of the unacceptance.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have always despised my mother for her giant ego, that "allowed her" to behave in her peculiar brutal way, where the rage was the justifier of everything and every act and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then having learnt when older to actually "do the same onto her" through blaming her for how she behaved with me and for the rage she reversed onto me.... Basically reversing on her the same rage she reversed onto me while screaming her that she was just "a kid that can't do nothing else then looking for scapegoats or just do useless teasings instead of thinking to possible solutions." So behaving exactly like her instead of trying to find possible solutions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still self judging me in the behaviour i had with my mother.... Perceiving the emotions of the times where i screamed and blamed her and for feeling "trapped " in it as what i "learnt" and not being able to describe the void that i felt when blaming her... Without realizing that there is too much in my past with her and too much hardened within me to easily incapsulate everything inside a one single strong realisation... It should be worked memory by memory and on the consequencies created.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, in the moment i exploded crying, not remembering exactly what i was feeling.... Although i remember that was really intense and it was something that i've never experienced before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt offended and discussed everytime that my father, while speaking with his mother, was insulting my mother saying that she was stupid and that she doesn't understand anything and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having simply accepted passively these insults that were said in a loud voice with great despise and for the bad feeling that the fact that these insults were pronounced completely carelessly that i was there hearing that all.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then sort of learnt and justified many other times that my mother was being insulted by many kind of persons that talked with me and for having found me stucked between the pain that this provoked me and by the fact that i was agreeing with those insults... Finding within me the justification to not "react" to not define me "incoherent " within me and within the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used my mother as an easy way of complaining to obtain a fast and easy "approval" and support as our society tells us to behave in these situations, thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having actually being directly responsible for the persons that insulted my mother and for also having found me stucked then in not liking something that i felt responsible for the creation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when my father went away, having felt responsible for what happened because of the way my mother looked to me while saying "did you see it? These are things that doesn't mend! " in a serious way... Like a scolding way.... I don't know what her intentions were but i clearly remember that i saw this as a reproof like "look at the entity of what you have done! " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself foreffectively thinking that this was what actually happened in an easy opportunity to blame her, dued to the idea i have within me of my mother that i was her easiest way of blaming.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving fear and guiltiness when i say something that results in a "freezing" glance/sight in my interlocutor, fearing a strong and bad reaction that will overwhelm me with its intensity/power and determination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myselffor having learnt to fear it in all the times that this happened especially with my mother and father, like for instance the time with my mother and the car, with my father and insults, ecc...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having also intentionally provoked that type of freezing sight/glance probably for both a feel of power and for a sort of "masochistic" attitude, knowing that this act wouldn't have lead to something i could deal with, but for simply not knowing what else to do... It seemed me the only way.... It was just the program and the little sense that was saying "this won't end good..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for now seeing in provoking this reaction a sense of power and control, through seeing that the reaction of the other is as i was imaging.... Seeing this thing as a nice game where i feel important and valuable because i can "impersonate the results" because they are as " I " have imagined.


When and as i see that I'm going to "provoke" someone through sort of challenging him through "pushing his buttons" as the buttons i perceive and in the meantime feeling that sense of "this isn't going to end well..." in the stomach, i stop and breath. I realise that I'm trying to manipulate this person to get back what i perceive has been removed by me, in the perspective of provoking in the other the same sense of "voidness" that i'm feeling, thus seeing the thing from the perspective of showing the other as to myself that "i'm able to do the same with you ".
I commit myself to stop me immediately from going on with the pushing of the button and to think about what "am i perceiving removed from me", thus then deciding if it could be useful to get back on the argument.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 15 Jan 2015, 20:57

This is an episode that i would classify as a positive emotion, but in reality it contains many points both positive and negative, i was about 10.

We were me, my father, his friend and his son, who was also my friend. Me and the other boy were about the same age.
My father and his friend were "hunters", in the little zone where i've always met my father, there is the hunting culture.
One "beautiful" day they decided to "do something for the children" and so they decided that it came the time that we had our first shoot to a pheasant. Se they bought 2 pheasants and the idea was to tie with a little rope the pheasant's leg to not let it escape till we shoot it down.
The idea sincerely wasn't so good for me... I enjoyed to shoot with the rifle but shooting "for real" to something alive was.... Disturbing me.
But they seemed enjoying so much the idea... Even my friend was very excited, he was a "local" with an hunter father that many times took him for going hunting.... He liked to hunt much more then me.... Especially i didn't like it at all and i felt guilty towards my father that almost seemed to "pretend" that should be likable to me.... I felt guilty for it and i had many times simulated enthusiasm.
My friend went first but the rope broke and the pheasant hided away. When we found it, my friend shooted it when it was still on the ground.
When it went my time i shooted it perfectly when on flying. My father looked me and exclamated so vehemently "Marco!... But.... Marco!!!" he did it soo strongly that i was almost answering "what?.... What have I done? " it almost seemed me i've made something wrong... Lol.
He didn't expected such a result... He was so excited... And i was too but i didn't perceive this excitement.... I felt happy yeah but for me the thing was ended there and the fact that i've killed a bird for "fun" wasn't present in awareness in that moment....Well, It was present but completely overwhelmed by the enthusiasm of my father...
When coming back home alone with my father he was so excited and many times told me: "you closed the mouth to D finally! (D was the other child) He is always the one that speaks speaks speaks... "i did this... I do that... Ecc" and you took the pheasant while he not! He didn't speak any more now! Hahahaha".
He was so "believing it"... So happy... So realized.... I didn't felt that way... I had a little guiltiness sensation in the background that didn't allow me to be much "parecipant" in all this "joy".... I was just looking to my father thinking "... But the rope of D's pheasant broke before he could shoot it.... Than i didn't proove anything..." and also: "why is he saying these things about him? I have never thought to him in this way...".... But i didn't say anything of all these... It would be in contradiction with my father's feeling... Exactly as i didn't tell him that i didn't like the idea to shoot to a bird... I knew that if i would tell him he would answer with a "not enthusiast" and almost "guilty" face: "...oh...well..... Ok.... If you don't want to do it it's ok...." and i wouldn't have done it but i didn't want to see him like "deluded of himself...." i didn't want him to be "sorry of being my father..." i was wanting to BE the joy that he was seeing in me and in what he wanted that i do to make him happy... I was seeing me useful/important/valuable in his joy.... I felt that i had a "sense".
It's because of all these that at the end i've sort of "accepted" his joy.... I've made it my joy too.... That day was horrific in reality, but in the end i remember it as the day where my father was proud of me and where i've won over D.
That night i asked forgiveness to jeasus about the pheasant.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having been able to tell the truth to my father because i felt that i was going "against him" and against the idea that he had of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "safe" and "valuable" in the idea that my father had of me because of his smile and enthusiasm.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not have understood that seeing my father had soon became a routine that have all the pretexts of a routine, like for instance that there was no more "respect" one another, we were just pulling along each other just because we were "used to it"... It seemed the "right thing" to the both of us.... And then slowly "sit on this " forgetting of each other and becoming egohists, blackmailing each other like my father acting likethinking "we do what i want to do" while gently denying my proposals, and me then sitting down and accepting, just waiting the ending of another boredom day, then just "not giving him my enthusiasm".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have never considered the idea that we could have made something different, like for instance my father coming to me in the week end and seeing and doing together something that i usually did or anything else... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always thought at something like this as "inconvenient"... As something that would have put us in embarrasse, or that would have resulted uncomfortable for my father.... And didn't want to see him uncomfortable, both for fear and for guiltiness.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always accepted my father's enthusiasm as "a good reason to do it"and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having usually hided behind the excuses that "it's not that i don't like this.... It just doesn't ENTHUSIASM me in the same way... But i don't see real reasons to not do it..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then learnt apathy.... As "ok.... I don't see reasons for not doing this..." and for seeing something like working or living as something that "i'm used to... And that IT'S BETTER DOING IT rather then not..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having made going to my father a routine and for having made a routine of my life, living everything in this "simulated enthusiasm" and sometimes ating my daughter or others when she comes to me EXCLAMATING something, thinking like: "ok.... So what?"... Or having that cruel/sad sensation of shoulding to speak and saying anything, even the stupidest thing with the falsest smile or the most boring and repeated discourse but something that would hide this unsustainable depression/lie within a screaming question of "what the hell am i doing here? What have we done? ".... But the most important thing is to suffocate it.... None of us can accept the truth of such a shit... Of such a perpetuated lie of "we are father and son... So we must see each other.... But what has all these time spent together meant?.... All this boredom and rage undergone for what? ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having developed a real fear for "offending" someone and to offend my father especially because "he came appositely for me.... He counts on me.... I have a responsibility.... He gives me value and i like it.... Offending him means devaluating me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for all the times that my father asked me "Ok, so do you want to do this? Do you like it? Eh? " or "ooo yes yes wo we do this qnd then that! Whqt do you think? It's ok? " with that smile and enthusiasm and i felt obliged/responsible.... To say yes (and never in a convinced way) while i've never told him "dad i don't give a fuck of it... It's everytime the same things..." and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for in seeing that smile and enthusiasm: "are you going to destroy a beautiful thing, Marco? Do you want to make the other become a sad person? " and for having in this way learnt the "self sacrifice".... For having then never wanted in my life to feel responsible for the sadness of someone, always preferring to be me to become sad, but never wanting to "strike back".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt by my father to not "strike back" and ignoring and repressing my feelings everytime that he screamed to me his unsatisfaction, considering his reasons as valid or just judging him thinking "poor little... He is made this way..." and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having perpetuated this behaviour till what was scolding me for was really true and for then just blaming me while justifying him.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt to repress so much that was just thinking to "ignore" what has been said and continuing on another "level" a second after, like for wanting to show me as the others that what has been said didn't "touch me" or after, learning to reply quite instantly with the first thing that comes in my mind that can "spersonalize or personalise in a positive way" the thing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having, at the end of the day, tryied to accept his joy and to make me "the way he pictured me" and then basking me in his joy, feeling that i had accomplished to some sort of target..... A target that was justifying all the way that took me to that moment and that day.... A target that was ready to give me its fruits right now and right there.... So I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have used this target to suppress and forget all the incongruencies on the path.... The way to tell me "you see? You were right in shutting up all this way! You wanted this till the beginning, isn't it? Then just take it or you'll have to rediscuss everything you did till now.... You'll have to rediscuss who you are...You'll have to negate your existence in itself because it coincides with the importance that he/the others are giving me.... Because I've always trusted too much in my eyes... I usually don't "see me", i only see other persons and I'm aware of me through the feedback i receive by the others and by my father...who is the one that better "is me"... So if you negate your father how would you "see yourself"? Where would you "find you "? How would you perceive you? Feel you? Consider you? Be you? Feeling you? Interact with you? " without realizing that who i am is "behind my eyes", ears, skin, nose and tongue....


When and as i see that I'm in a position of fearing to offend someone and this would lead me to a "strange/unrelaxed/built/mechanical/Unnatural/accomodant" behaviour or moves, i stop and breath. I realise that i've the "fear to offend " because i think that offending someone, thus "changing his facial expression/movements and inner perception" means "devaluating me"..... While if the other is happy innerly, even if this requires to me to be offended, or requires me devaluating me voluntarily to create a "smile" on another's face, i can then valuate me.... Or if my father is scolding me i try to make him change the perception he had of me as re creating a valuation, instead of facing him as anyone else for what "is on the pot", which is not me!
Thus i commit myself to disidentify me by the facial expression and voice tonality of the other and also by the idea that there is a lack within me that originated the whole thing, as that justify the need to re_valuate me, using the other to not face myself.

When and as i see that i remain speech less or embarrassed when my daughter or anyone else comes to me saying things that i think "why should i be interested? What does she wants by me? What should I say that could be USEFUL for her? ", i stop and breath.
I realise that this is what I've learnt by my father everytime that i was enthusiast for something.... As saying things like "Bravo! " or that for some reason I should emulate her same enthusiasm and thus... Seeing that these things are "unnatural for me" and perceiving my refusal to participate to all this, i step into confusion and impatience.
Thus i commit myself to realise that I'm not obliged to do something that i don't perceive as real, but this doesn't mean that i can't consider/paying attention to what she is telling me.



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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 24 Jan 2015, 01:17

This is another very old and very sad episode of when i remember of me as "too young"... I think i was about 4 or 5.

I remember that for some reason i had quarrelled with my mother in the night. The morning after i didn't want to remain angry with her, thus i tried to "put the peace between us" in some way.
I knew that my mother had breakfast with hot milk and bread pieces, thus i warmed some milk and cut some bread pieces and i put it in a "nice way" on the table, then i sat down eating my breakfast while waiting for her.
When she arrived and saw what i did she stopped there looking at it for about 2/3 seconds, then with a "burst/sprint" she took the cup and overturned it in the sink. Then looked to me with firm and glacial eyes for about 5 seconds, like if i did the baddest mistake onto her and i "made her offended".... And this was another thing i should be ashamed of.... It was a "mistake ".
While she was looking at me i was continuing to eat while watching the TV.... I had many emotions... I was in a mix of fear, pride and..... The sensation that "to make peace then it doesn't work this way"... And i think that it started there the choice that there is nothing to do to make peace with someone other than let the time pass and healing the ego.
I was continuing to watch the tv while looking at her with the eye tale. The purpose was to give the message that i didn't care if her doesn't accept it.... And what she just did haven't change anything.... It sorts of didn't unbalance the equilibrium of the fight... But it did actually... It profoundly hurted me... But my target was to not show it... To not let her see it... Otherwise she would have won...
After she warmed other milk and cut other bread by herself and sat on the table with me having breakfast... In the total silence.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of blamed me of having wanted to "just pretend that nothing happened" without having understood that if something had gone so far, maybe that it before requires to "come back on the same steps" rather of "directly turn without even looking where...".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of learnt and accepted to react in the same way when a "peace attempts" is coming through, rather then explaining in that moment that it's not allowable to just pretend that nothing happened but if you want to make peace first, you need to re_valuate your reactions within self honesty.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended the "i made her offended" with a sort of religious "holy thing" as something that is absolutely personal and absolutely forbidden... Something that can annihilate me....Something that i cannot ask "why? ".... Something absolutely out of control or that you are not able to "deal with" in an honest and sincere way, that you are forced to interact with it in a "false" and not honest way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having considered my mother a "mad horse" or a "stupid and angry divinity".... Within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended the "stupid" more for recent judgement, but where the real sense is that she was "not understandable".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having intended to make a fast and "disinterested" turn in the situation that had been created and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt refused as had been refused my intentions and within the bad sensation that my mother's reaction had provoked in me, i had refused that "part of me".... As for instance the part of an "easy letting go" without any further judgement or sensation of "privation". (commitment)

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so many times even forgot how and why i was angry with my mother but for not wanting to accept this "simplicity" for "pride".... And thus trying to remember why i was angry with her to then "regenerate the rage " that would help me to keep going with the "cold war", to aim to have the "satisfaction".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having reacted in "denying reality" as what was happening within me when she threw the milk in the sink and looked to me. Mine was am attempt to actually "come back on my steps"... Pretending that "nothing was happened" through continuing what i was doing like if what i did have never existed (and thus also my mother's reaction had never happened) and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not understand that for a young being it's also the the most natural and easy reaction when the child feels that what he had done didn't give the expected results.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to still use this technique many times to actually avoid the consequencies..... Thinking that the better i do as nothing ever happened and the more it will happen as it, without realizing that there is no way to "go back in time" and that everything must be directed.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for trying to keep "the most inside me".... Sort of "paralysing me" like an animal's tactic defense... Like wanting to "disappear" in that moment /place....Which is also an "observation method"....like hiding my presence to better observe a "target".


When and as i see that i feel "obstinate" in preserving rancour/bitterness/judgement and i keep on remuginating or that everytime that i see the interested person i cannot interact with him without keeping in mind that "he is the one that did/said this that time....", i stop and breath. I realise that this is a form of obstination that i've learnt with my mother, playing with her the game of "resistance" to then having the idea to be "stronger" or "strong enough to deal with she"... And also because of the episode where my attempt of "letting go of the rage/fight/game" wasn't accepted by my mother and thus i felt "thrown back" in the game.
I commit myself to reexperience again the "letting go" sensation, breathing through "what keeps me bounded to that HEAVY CREATION ".

When and as i see that i go into "keep everything inside", trying to "disappear/disguise" in not having any movement/reaction to NEGATE what i'm experiencing, thinking that the best way to avoid the consequencies is hiding my inner experience and preventing it to "go outside", i stop and bbreath.
I realise that i cannot prevent it to "go outside" because any NOT ACTION is actually an action itself and that i'm actually behaving like an animal that is hiding by a threat, thus observing his actions and the threat's actions.
I commit myself to identify and concentrating on the way I'm looking at me while looking at the other.



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mar
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Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 28 Jan 2015, 19:58

This is an episode strictly realted to the one with the pheasant. I don't remember my age, but i suppose it happened about 4 or 5 years later.

My father made me the proposal to buy 6 or 7 quails (little birds used for hunting purposes) and to shoot them in the woods. I actually don't remember the exact developement of how the event evolved.... i remember a little movie where i had the rifle in the hand and i was saying my father "GO !", he launched a quail, i put the rifle on my shoulder and 2 seconds after the quali was down..... Me saying "wow !" and something else related to that particular shoot and my father with an happy face that screamed from a distance something like "wow ! yeah ! You took this one too !".
This scene repeated for all the quails. I remember that for me the quails were no more living beings in that moments.... they were "intelligent flying things" that had been put there for my fun.... they were nothing.... they didn't "talk", didn't have needs..... didn't have what i can only refer to as "soul".... i was completely detached. The fact that those were living beings that can suffer, have needings and experiencing sensations as me wasn't present within me. They were beings existing uniquely to serve my purpose.... their existence out of that was not conceived.... they were "done" for that.
I don't remember the path that i followed to arrive to this "vision", but i simply remember that i made a "choice of acceptation"..... my father reputed normal to see the quails in this way.... so i simply followed and copied his point of view.... and i mean, why i wouldn't have done it ? He was my father...... he seemed to perfectly know what he was doing..... his way of moving and doing those things was so natural and reassuring.....without any doubts..... it was clear that he had done things like that for so many times, then it was clear that "the world has gone that way for so much time"...... thus that was a way in which the things were working and a system of seeing and doing things that has been prooved, tested and finally accepted and his movements/attitude/his "being within it" testified that this way of doing things comes from very long time ago..... so why wouldn't i have to trust him ?
I mean..... all that background was so much bigger then me.... it was so fascinating.... it makes almost seems any question stupid because if the things are working by so much time and in such an elegant way and so many persons are doing it..... who am i to judge it ? Who am i to contest/challenge it that i'm here by so little time in relation ?


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt anger and judgement towards my father because he never even thought to "come to me in the week end at least one time" instead of giving as an assumption that I SHOULD go to him and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to look at him as that he was "trapping me/kidnapping me" in that place, doing always the same boring things that i was tired to do and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having hated him for "having put me" in the difficult position of not wanting to delude him but not wanting to go to him and doing the same things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then blaming my father for not having "asked me" to go to me instead of me to him because of the hope i had in this method to reconcile my NOT WANTING to delude him while doing something new and interesting.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for seeing this method in essence as an unconscious way of saying "i'm tired to always come to you and do what you want to do.... Why don't you come to me and do what i want? " but i was seeing my father so much "closed" in his routines that i perceived that everything a bit new or different would have disturbed him.... It was like that there was a judgement in it...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for blaming my father for seeing my life and my job as a routine and for this "simulated enthusiasm" in which sometimes i find me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still blaming my father because "he MADE ME developing" SELF SACRIFICE without realizing that it was me that i've chosen the self sacrifice instead of considering why i didn't want to go "against my father" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for ating my father for thinking that he "gave me lies".... as the things that i believed him for and that instead had resulted a "bullshit"..... like for instance when he put enthusiasm in a proposal to make it seems nice.... i was sort of "smelling" the lie in it and i had also the suspect that it wasn't interesting for him too..... and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of accepted this "selling method" trusting his enthusiasm as an expectation of "feelings" for what we would do, where instead it was never as "amazing" as he was showing before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having judged my father and for then having separated me from him.... Having judged him for how he was behaving..... I did notice that he was a "strange one" in relation to other "fathers" but I've never talked to him in that way.... I've never made him noticing this.... I just preferred shutting up and knowing that the persons that were listening were "by my side".... Preferring to think about him as a stupid one because "you cannot talk with a stupid" instead of respecting me as him and telling him what was going on.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made the choice of "accepting the joy" as for having wanted to embrace the vision of the quails as "things for my fun" so to then feeling allowed to "take/have" this fun and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then GIVEN UP to my equality and oneness with the quails and thus within me.... Giving up to what i experience as living being mirrored in what the quails experience as living beings as me: like suffering, having needs and experiencing sensations... Without realizing that life can only exist through recognising these things in each living being as this will also mean recognising these in me and thus accepting me as living being existing in life as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having given up to my equality and oneness with quails for allowing me to experience a "nice day with my father" and for having wanted to enjoy what he was wanting that i enjoy and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that i SHOULD HAVE NOT ACCEPTED it and thus blaming me for pretending that these reasons should have been clear to me at that time, just because i blame this reason to not now feel in equality and oneness with me as life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling a polemic sensation in the sentence i wrote in the description: ".. so why wouldn't i have to trust him ?" without realizing that there is nothing to be sarcastic in this sentence And there is nothing to blame within me as "blaming" is in itself something that i cannot blame me to have learnt because why wouldn't i have to believe to my mother and father and everyone else that BLAME in such a natural and expert way? .... They were the living example of something so big and so ancient... The example of a system that was existing with or without me.... And i was still trying to figure out how this system works... And probably i was exploring it without any form of judgement, trying everything that was coming to me... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt to also "take and carry everything with and within me", considering everything like a "big treasure" that defines me and in which i identify me, having instead dropped the ability\teaching of "letting go" (which is not pursued in this society) and that now i so much need in this moment, where i need now to "let drop" what i've recognised are NO useful teachings to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt almost stupid in having objections or to not feel the same way towards the relationship that society and my father has towards quails.


When and as i see that i see another living being as "something at my disposal" where the interaction that i have in mind with it requires to ignore what "i have in common with it" as living being, like for instance feeling pain, sensations and needings... And the right to have an "own path", i stop and breath.
I realise that what i got in mind is an EGO desire, thus it's not something that requires and qualifies me as life, because the desires that can qualify me as life are what i can see of me in other lifes.... Thus are what I can see and recognise of me that reflects on what i see qnd recognise in other beings.
I commit myself to live and understand that the behaviour and consideration i take with other beings is the behaviour and consideration that i accept and allow onto me and of me. Thus i commit myself to see everything that i do and how i behave with other beings as something that prooves what I'm doing onto me and to use this awareness to better understand what I'm doing to myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that any interaction with another being that i have in mind.... Or any type of interaction that i can conceive... Is disturbing for the other being and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for "blaming" what i conceive as something that is Disturbing or disrespectful for the other, without even at the moment really think about it, but for just an "habit".

When and as i see that i blame me to not having understood something or for not having "behaved" in a certain way or for having had a particular relation with a point, i stop and breath.
I realise that when young i was just trying to "understand the world" and then i was learning everything without any judgement for what i was living in.... "You have first to learn to play to decide if you like the game..." but unfortunately when you are young there is only your parent's life/game to play with.... Thus i now have to "let drop" everything that i've learnt and that is difficult because in the meantime that i was understanding the game, i have been using these teachings for much time and thus i've also learned to rely on these teachings and making them an habit.
Thus i commit myself to understand that "blaming" is something that i've LEARNT and it's exactly like what I've recognised that should be dropped.... Thus i've to drop "blaming" too within the other thing.



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Alex27
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Joined: 29 Jan 2015, 07:28

Re: Marco's writing

Postby Alex27 » 31 Jan 2015, 06:55

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of blamed me of having wanted to "just pretend that nothing happened" without having understood that if something had gone so far, maybe that it before requires to "come back on the same steps" rather of "directly turn without even looking where...".
Good for you.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 04 Feb 2015, 20:20

This is a bullying episode of when i was 16.

I was in a park with a friend, walking and having a chat. 2 boys of about our age approached us with the scooter. One of them asked me if i have something like 10 euros... I don't remember exactly what i said but that guy got upset and fastly got down the scooter and went towards me in a threatening way. He was really short... Much much smaller than me.... And when i noticed it a "victory smile" went on my face. Impressive was that he almost instantly understood what i was thinking to and suddenly took out the mobile, showed it to me and said "do you see this? If i press this button 10 persons arrive by the other side of the park! So do you have 10 euros? "
In that moment the blood freezed in me and fear surrounded.... Probably, such an "enterprising" person maybe would have many friends of his same "attitude".... But this wasn't what i've thought in that moment.... It's much more a rationalisation of my behaviour.
At that time i stayed in a (i don't know the English name... College? But not as a university). There were many "difficult guys" in that institute and funny was that a week before i had just beaten a classmate and i had a broken finger by that time. Little before that episode i was going to beat another classmate.... I was absolutely tired of him and very determined.... Interesting was that he had built around him within time the believing that he had a very big "friends team" behind him and very eterogeneous...
Both of us knew that he wouldn't stand a chance, thus he began to tell me that if i would beat him he would have call his friends and that they would have cared of me. He also went in the secretery's institute to have my address and he went to me to tell me it...
That was a "good argument" for me... And after sometimes i desisted. I was much much scared of "how it could be".... The "possibility" scared me... It was much easier to "choose" who to confront with .... And everytime i was thinking at the possibility of "what could happen after", so many scenarios went through my mind and those scenarios were always the "worst possible" or anyway something that was much "bigger then me"
... Interesting was that it's just enough to mention a possibility on which the mind can rely on to make some projections, to provoke fear in us to just allow us to loose any connection with reality and to give up any intent to direct our present life, just to avoid to trigger something which is nothing more then a projection.... But we believe it as it's absolutely/surely what is going to happen..... And if it will happen something that is just barely similar.... We think/see reality as if it's exactly what I've projected, without seeing the infinite differences.... The only thing we see is that "what i thought went real!" and thus the fear within it goes real too.
Well, all these to say that when he took out the phone i got scared enough.... I began to have a "stupid smile" on the face to "play down " the thing. At the end of the story i gave them the money.
During the day the episode totally possessed me.... It went through my head so many alternative possibilities of how i could have dealt with the situation and so much rage went through and the impression that I have been "fooled" was big.... In the evening i came back for a vengenance with my friend. I was "a beast" that night (my friend told me) and i liked that attribute.... It was giving me what i needed: the opposite of what i've felt some hours ago as scared and vulnerable.
Nobody was there at that time and i was almost sure of that....it was just an attempt based on absolute "luck ".... And i have the suspect that for this reason it was "so much easy" to play around the part of the "beast" in tthat moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having the myth of the "small person" that is stronger than you expect, probably for all the movies or comics that show a character "like you" ( which you can impersonate) that has a "better and superior strength " that doesn't rely on the body strength but on some "personal attitude" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt special and "gifted" in relation to my body and for having then also looked for the "other part of strength" and thus seeing and feeling and seeking this "other part" in the persons around me to make continuous paragons.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for that time at the college that i allowed me to have dozens of projections on persons that "arrive to take me", without realizing that it was just a way to self scaring me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for actually not finding anything "bad " on making projections, without realizing that through the projections i had, probably i've scared me to the point of not being able to effectively directing me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having had in that year and in the years before the issue of having (we called sort of that....) "the company".... In those years there was beginning to exist another type of confrontation, which was no more the one to one, but the "company vs company".
Dued to my physical muscles i had always felt "lucky " or advantaged (even if there were boys much stronger than me... But i've felt always particular because i had a very well built and muscular body, almost like alittle body builder, while if someone was "heavier " than me, usually he wasn't so "well built " and this gave me the sensation of being "stronger anyway".... Thus i could maintain my status of "special"). But this dinamic change of "company vs company " had discussed this "advantage" and i felt lost in this new dinamic.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having felt for many years like "un covered" for not having a "big company" behind my shoulders and for also perceiving that i was one of the strongest there and thus my friends wouldn't have been at the "height of the situation " and also I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for sort of not feeling my little company of friends as reliable in the case i would need them.... In essence I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt and reputed me as a "small fish" in the sea..... Always feeling inferior in these cases and too much a "good boy " that doesn't count anything... A "joker" but not in the positive way of it... Thus i've always maintained a low profile dued to this self definition.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for instead having felt big and dangerous when a couple of years after the company got enlarged and in the new school i've used it to build a dangerous and bad guy aura around me.... But it wasn't needed at all because the new school was about "dad's son", all very rich and quite snob, where i didn't feel at my ease at all because i was quite the opposite and then life wasn't easy there too.... But there wasn't a real danger of a physical confrontation.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having liked to build anyway this dangerous aura around me to feel feared and important...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having sort of learnt to then "counter balance " the feared and dangerous aura with what i defined as a "self irony...." that when something happened that confirmed what i wanted/craved to be seen as, i suddenly "cannot bare the tension" to be seen like that... Thus i immediately was doing something "on the opposite side " to then diminish me... Because i was sort of reminding that "maybe that they would have really feared me.... And i didn't want it... I just looked for more consideration..." Then i was doing something like stupid, or showing embarrasse for wanting to communicate "hey.... Don't worry it's always me! You can continue to interact with me.... Don't look at me as if I'm different...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "pictured " the projections i had on an eventual "visit" of some persons.... Having pictured it with a movie of "van damme style " where i overcome the fear and defeat everybody there... Or where i say words that are "so powerful " that makes desisting the enemy.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been possessed in so many ways and so many times within a confused turmoil of emotions in the period of the "decision" to act or not at the college.... Where everything was an up and down of emotions and big amounts of energy.... And where i dealt with the situations that i reputed "borderline" (meaning in the uncertainty between action/non action) with a big energy generation and through assuming a "dangerous aspect" to scare and intimidate the "enemies " to exit the choice of not doing anything or taking a violent action towards them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having created these types of situations for not having respected me, doing the "joker" as a way of interacting and existing/having a role/identity/distinction/an attempt of "stand alone complex" within the group.... Where Then i was founding me in the situation of having to coexist with the group and the "isolation" that the group actuated towards me.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having to deal with the paradox of being "big and strong " and letting me be treated in those ways.... Because i was pretending to be loved and accepted for trying to monopolies the attention and the group, without understanding that in doing this i was actually stealing the space of everybody in the group..... Thinking that the role of keeping away the boredom with the group (and using the group to keep away boredom with me) would have given me a sense to me and to the group.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "merged" and identified with the attribute "beast " as scary and powerful and as what gives me an opposite personification to how i reputed me after how i've felt the afternoon episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having made hundreds of projections after the afternoon episode, in the acceptance of the identification in the fear i experienced.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having also used the friend i had to have a "feedback " because he assisted to the episode and thus he was one towards whom i felt that he "holds" my identity as the continue answer to the question "who am i? "


When and as i see that i find me making projections on an interaction with someone or some persons that includes a verbal or physical exchange, i stop and breath.
I realise that it's quite unsense to build some scenarios where i play both the roles and pretending that the future would be as that.... It instead contributes to generate energy and to scare and stiffen me more and more, so that when i would face the real situation, all the fear and rigidity that i accumulated will disempower my self directing abilities.
Thus i commit myself to stop the projection and instead trying to focalize the attention om what is certain/sure as what happened and what is "visible " to me and to the other/others so to have a better certainty on which starting a productive confrontation.

When and as i see that i want to "do the joker " within a group, i stop and breath. I realise that I'm actually trying to find a "role/identity " within it, which basically displays the motivation that pushes me to stay and exist within a group, which is basically a way of getting away from boredom.... Where boredom can be intended as the absence of strong emotions... Like laughing. Thus i've tried to use the group to have and generating big laughs and i proposed me to be the generator of big laughs too to acquire an identity within it that will satisfy my idea of the group.
Thus i commit myself to try to look at the group in a "different way " from a "way to deal with boredom " and rather more to something that can enrich me as everyone else.



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mar
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Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 10 Feb 2015, 21:32

This is a positive memory of when i was about 9/10.

At that time there was a TV show that translated was like "strange love". Here there was usually a person that confessed his/her love publicly on tv and (i'm trying to remember...) someone brought the message to the interested person and that person should respond on air.
There was an episode where a girl of about my age at the time, called a boy (they seemed of the same age) and she confessed her love for him. He accepted her love and there were many applause.
I immediately impersonated with him and started to daydream and to make projections of me in the part of the boy and "Angela" in the part of the girl.
She was the "preattiest of the class" and I've always felt an attraction towards she. We were nice friends and at the end it was ok for me.... I hadn't the impulse or the "need " to change the things, but i clearly remembered that "around those years" i asked to my mum about hypnosis... And i also asked her "i don't have the intention to do that.... ( lol ) but do you think that is possible to make someone fall in love for you through hypnosis? ".... And i was clearly thinking about Angela....
Well, coming back to the daydream.... The projection was that she on air was telling me that she loved me and asking me if i want to "be with her".
After some seconds my answer was "no" and maybe some other words that i don't remember....
I'm uncertain about my behaviour.... I don't know why saying that "no" was my choice.... What type of shame was i transforming in that way? It almost seemed to me that privating me of what i desired was something better or cooler.... I had many daydreams that hided that thing.... Like for instance being able to "step aside" in favour of someone else for instance.... Almost if having what i wanted in love matters was like "banal" and it was cooler living in the "i could have that but i choosed to not... " it was my choice.... Maybe it was some sort of revenge? For what? What was that i didn't have or that i felt the lost of?
Or maybe that i simply wanted the "power of the choice"... Where the absolute proof of having exerted that power in this case was saying "no".... And the thing should be blatant and with spectators: on air!
The absolute proof to have power and to show it is when you deliberately deprive yourself of what you could want.... So that there could be no doubt about your superiority position.... Because if you say yes to something that in the collective imaginary you could want, "people may think " that that choice was something that you weren't able to do by yourself.... Maybe because it was something that you were ashamed of.... Ashamed to "take the risk of a refusal".... So i would prefer to give up to something i want to not admit with myself as with another that i was ashamed to take a clear position about that...
Or more simply it was a "revenge" for the "trapping sensation " that she gave me and for her not feeling the same thing for me... Thus wanting to create in her the same feeling i felt for her...


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having wanted to hypnotise her for then wanting to satisfy an egotistical desire and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having put self judgement in this without realizing that i was just exploring the "possibilities " to deal with this desire without maybe realizing or understanding that this would have lead to a personal unsatisfaction after having satisfied the mere desire because of having deprived the person of her personality and "being" and thus having deprived myself of my personality and being.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
For having judged me for the thing before because of the "knowledge and dogma" of "abusing another for self interest " without having really understood why... And thus for having entered in a self blaming status inducted by the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having instantly negated my real intentions to my mother when asking her about hypnosis, feeling ashamed for my feelings and judging them like a "weakness" and something that i was not ready to deal with.... And the proof was the hypnosis attempt to then sort of "delegating" the situation to the counterpart.... Because staying together with someone and "exherting love" and the strange feelings i felt was something new and strange.... "a jump in the dark".... And thus it was easier to delegate the thing to the other one and to make the other person to "take the initiative" so to be the one "in control.... With the choice.... In power".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having preferred the ego POWER and the sensation of "loneliness" within it, reputing that loneliness sensation something that was a "low price to pay"..... or even something that would make me "cooler" as something that i can identify me in..... i've litterally "looked for loneliness !".... even in my daydreams i litterally was looking for loneliness and "speciality".... were for instance i was identifying in something "more and another thing less" so that i can look to me as special.... like for instance i had the daydream where each one of my class mates had a superpower, except me.... but me instead i was very good in martial arts...... so that i could look to me from the perspective of so much special and different that i can keep up with everybody else that from the "collective perspective" should be "stronger"....... then: so much SMARTER that at the end is STRONGER.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having projected my loneliness estate into fantastic and wonderful scenarios that would justify/elevate/celebrate the loneliness estate as something positive/good/fantastic.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for looking at love matters as "banal things" as something like "everybody and everyone want and do" .... thus something that isn't special at all.... something in which to loose my identity.... something that won't allow me to be remembered.... that won't allow me to exist other then my senses..... because actually i need my ego to feeling existent..... it's my ego that is telling me if i'm existing or not....

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have transposed my existence to what my ego is telling me, putting my senses on a second plan and a just strumentalysed way of feeding and nurturing the ego needs.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for existing in the perspective of "people may think".... within the illusion that if people "think good" about me i won't feel alone without realizing that following the ego MEANS feeling alone, also reflected in the opinion of the others as the EGO OF THE OTHERS.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having given up to what i wanted just for a "power matter".... just to consider me "more powerfull then myself" without realizing that this power perception needs a "spectator" that can be my ego or the other' s egos..... the key in all this.... is the spectator of my life which is not me...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not understanding what is the "sense of power or of self importance..." Which is what ego is based on and what I'm actually pursuing as everyone else... Maybe is a degenerated form of love?


When and as i recognise that i'm on some form of ego action, i stop and breath.
I realise that I'm now looking for creating some form of self importance, which sort of means "a way to exist" which is not based on what is "outside" but on a way of "perceiving me".... Which i'm not able to express or desceibe... I can only experience it.
I commit myself to then realise that everytime i feel in an "ego action " what I'm experiencing is a "way of perceiving me, as a way of existing " which basically is the meaning of "self importance" as "how much I'm feeling existent "...Thus i will look to what is happening to me in that sense.

When and as i see that i begin to project paragons with other persons (at work for example) or with friends or others that the situation had put something in common with me, and i for instance begin to "weigh" what i am/have or what not in comparison to the others, i stop and breath.
I realise that this behaviour reflects the "loneliness estate " that i feel because i'm explaining the loneliness or companionship through "what we have in common " measured in "things to do" rather then "human beings".
Thus i commit myself to realise and "feel " that what I'm creating now is a proof/direct consequence of loneliness and separation dued to basing who i am on the "knowledge i have" compared to the knowledge that in that moment "exists".



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 18 Feb 2015, 10:27

This is a quite recent negative memory that continues to visit me, i was about 20.

I was taking the train and i was a bit late. I arrived to the train just in the moment that was leaving. I already got the ticket but i didn't have stamped it. I was in front of the opened door and inside the train there was the ticket collector looking at me. I said "excuse me, i didn't stamped the ticket but the train is leaving... Can i take it anyway? " the ticket collcollector's answer was "yes ok jump in".
I jumped on the train, the doors closed and the train leaved. The ticket collector looked to me and said (i don't remember the exact words nor the exact content precisely ) "ok now i have to give you the mulct, because this is not the way to behave! We must learn to prepare to arrive in time! ".
The speach was much longer but in essence this was the context... I remained a bit disorientated and i paid the mulct without questioning.
After that, many turmoils and thought happened... The more i was thinking about it and the more i understood that i had been "bullshitted"!
The main thoughts were " how i could have answered" and the more important were: "who are you to judge me because I'm in late? My father? How do you dare?" and the other one "what? I told you that I'm not regular and i explained you the situation and you told me that it was ok, and now that I'm on board you tell me that you make me the mulct? Are you kidding me? ".
All the projections ended with him calling the police and me that was saying "yes yes call the police! So that i will ruin you! " or with me firmly saying "i don't pay any mulct! Let's see if you have the guts to call the police and saying them what you told me! ".... I was absolutely convinced to be right and to thus be "omnipotent! " towards him.... This is the key....
This rimugination and energy generation accompanied me till now and it has always been very strong.... It made me loose the control everytime that i was thinking to it.
I remember his voice as one of the voices of those "adults that corrects", within that sort of "singing an old song". And i remember the way he was asking for tickets to the passengers.... He was an acid person with no much empathy.... Fast in his behaviour with the intent to do his job in the most detached way possible....
When the ticket collector was explaining me that i was in mulct, in the moment he finished the explanation, i remember that that was a woman near me.... In the exact moment he ended to speak i turned my head looking at this woman (she was the nearest to me) and she looked to me in the same time.... Like for saying "did you understand what is he talking about? ".... This imagine remained within me.... It's Like screaming "what the hell have you done? You were absolutely right! You should have eaten him! You just gave yourself away another time! "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having taken the time to better observe and understand the situation in the moment but for having instead fastly taken me away from the situation and the indecision... From the sensation of accuse and wrongness in which i was feeling put in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so "easily " letting me be categorizable and identifiable with any type of accuse or definitions where i instantly "believe" to what has been said without instead realizing that who is telling me these things is a being like me and that he doesn't know and can't know who or what i really am and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used the attribute "easily " meaning then that it exists a "point" where letting me be defined is "right or acceptable " because of an inner perception of "under the avarage" of who i am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for basically aspiring to a change in the self consideration where i can then self define me "in the avarage " without understanding that i don't even have an idea of what "avarage" could mean.... It's just a way to not consider me inferior..... Maybe then just a way to "relax".... A way to stop to self preoccupy of an image and a consideration that should be continuously cured and modeled because of basically feeling an "impostor "... Like someone that is not in "his place " and should hide behind his mask... And i'm tired of it...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to just rest and drop the mask but for just then aspiring to a "mask that works" within the idea of the "avarage"..... For then not really wanting to drop this mask but to rather aspire to another image.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for considering an image what effectively is an ABSENCE of image.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "omnipotent " dued to the reasons i found and for thus having abused of these reasons to justify the projections where i scream and have "fiery eyes " and for then perfectly knowing that (even in the projections) my behaviour would have lead to a call of the police (which is equivalent to brute force) so that within all this "rightness " i could have damaged the ticket collector without realizing that this was the end and proof of my intent of vengenance.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that after the tantrum and after that the vengenance (even mental) is accomplished, what remains is just a voidness that leaves you with a sort of "there is nothing more to do now..." where you remain with something that can only described as "i thought it would be better.... "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having wanted to feel omnipotent because i had felt the opposite as a powerless victim and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having seen the separation from everything dued to these estate.... The split of who i am in judge or victim where victim is fear and judge the projection of my fear onto something external: the illusion to drive back the fear upon time.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that this split /separation in judge and victim derives from my parents that scolded me when young and thus from the separation that i felt by them in those moments.... Where i felt the separation from them symbolising the connection with the "mirror of who i am/my inner perception of me ", where now i decide by myself to self split me, wanting to recreate and remember the perception of being scolded and feeling guilty and refused....i basically "self refuse me".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for remembering the "fast behaviour "and cold and "determined" way of acting and speaking of the ticket collector that symbolises the detachment from the persons that he had to interact with to "do his job " which reminds me of my same detachment that i have towards colleagues or persons who "i need informations by" and that then i define me as a "nuisance " because i think to me as someone that "takes without giving nothing back" as thus this guiltiness of feeling a "parasite" that is just a "lost of time " and a "weight" or a "new target /objective/duty " to accomplish just for a matter of education and politeness.... So that i do what i can to relieve the other by the "duty of politeness " that i feel responsible for.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling in the opposite position when for instance someone wants to interact with me (like on the job) just for politeness or because "it's what everyone should do" and then he uses a stupid pretext or a stupid sketch and thus for thinking "uff.... What the hell does this want? Another one that wants to talk about nothing.... Let's play the little game and get rid of him..." and after the "play" i go into self judgement and i reanalyse how much "i had been good " without realizing that what it arises is just my vision of this world as "false politeness " that i ate and the conviction that any type of human relation is just a mere "politeness play" and that i'm forced to play this game because I've no way to escape from this.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for letting me be pursued by the image of that woman that looks to me while i look to her in the same moment.... Like meaning "do you think that that person is mad too? " and "what are you going to do now?" and also "i'm by your side..."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for not allowing me to let go the idea that i didn't do the "right thing " for that woman too.... Like if I've deluded her and that i hadn't been her voice too in that episode and within this
this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking to me like "for another time you didn't oppose to something that was just well justified... But you felt that it wasn't right..."and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having blamed me for so much time.


When and as i see that i go into any type of definition upon me, even if I'm actually thinking about what i've defined as "useful for the process " and even if i don't use the words "i am/you are " bit also like "i've" or "this is", i stop and breath.
I realise that not only the verb "be" defines a self definition, but it's rather more the "sense of separation " that derives from that thought that indicates the self definition and within this i also realise that any definition is the "judge's sentence " and i'm the victim.
I commit myself to realise that I'm now "splitting me" in these two entities where the judge is a parent and the victim is me, replicating the sensation of separation that i felt towards the parent, and within this i commit myself to "recollect me" through breathin, forgiveness and the choice of not wanting to live into a recurrent memory.

When and as i feel the "heaviness of politeness " when approaching someone, thinking about how to approach, behave and ending the conversation, i stop and breath. I realise that i've transformed the human relation into just a politeness game which I've also reputed myself as "not good at " where anything that is said to me i interpret as an "attack /move" like on a chessboard and thus i felt the duty to "answer" with another move/attack and effectively it's what is saw as...
I commit myself to observe me during the interaction and especially my jaw because it gets tight and rigid as this is the signal of "personal importance " and it testifies my intent to "attack/bite " to preserve me as the personification in this Game and within this I commit myself to release the jaw and to allow me to "feel safe".



User avatar
mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 24 Feb 2015, 01:47

In this positive (but not too much...) memory i was about 8.

I was in school trip with my class. I don't remember the complete dynamic but a girl wanted to make a "joke" to a classmate who was a good friend.... Actually all the actors of this joke were my good friends but anyway...
The joke consisted in the 2 most beautiful girls of the class should say to the victim that they liked him and that that night they would have kissed and danced with him. In the meantime me and other 2 boys would have stayed with the girls to have their "attentions" like kisses, hugs ecc....
I liked the idea, it was interesting to develop... It could be enjoyable!
As it also happened in another occasion around that age, i liked so much the role of the "double agent" and i was the one that was "linked " to the victim.
I was continuously updating the victim about what was happening and about how many kisses the girls were delivering and about these little gossip.
I liked that role... I enjoyed to think about and act for deceiving in this game... I liked to elaborate a strategy to "make believe " something to someone... It made me feel important when i saw that someone was "believing me".
Now... I don't remember exactly my role.... Meaning that i was expecting to receive about the same treatment of my other 2 "collegues" meaning hugs and kisses.... But during the day it went much more in the 2 opposite directions: my 2 friends were receiving more and more attention while i was much much more relegated to the role of "reporter", so that in the end i was staying near the victim while watching and commentating what the other group was doing.
I remember this particular lapse of time(meaning this particular stage of the joke) like "funny " because i was preatty much galvanised by my role.... But it wasn't true... I was wondering "what am i doing here? How did i ended here? Why am i here watching instead of receiving the girl's attentions too? " and i was using and pushing the enjoyment i felt in the role i was playing to suppress that question.
The evening was arriving and the end of the plan was close... "the chicken was cooked enough, it's time to eat it".
There is no much that i remember at this point... I remember that the girls were dancing with the 2 males while the victim was confused and sad.... I remember that another girl of my class approached me silently... And i sort of commentated what was happening in a more "conscious " way... I don't remember exactly what i told her but was like "they are destroying him....". The girl was interested in the matter and when i told her she became very upset and ran to Luca to explain him the thing... He started crying... Then she began to threw tantrums to each player of the game and especially to the "third girl" who was the joke 's creator (who interesting was "ugly".....).
While watching to all the indignation and rage that that girl was expressing for what we did..... I began to realise something... Not clear till now but i think that i simply realized that i did something bad... I wasn't proud of it... I don't think that i would ever participate to something similar again.
What I'm also noticing now that i wasn't much aware at the time, was the direct and immediate reaction to what was happening of the girl.... It was so natural and so normal to her to condamn that game.... Without doubts or hesitation.... I had even participated for almost an entire day to that not honourable thing, while it was so obvious now that the consequencies would have been dramatic.... And maybe also that i had acquired this awareness thanks to the displayed consequencies.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having so much identified in the "double agent role" as the one who "moves in the dark " and the one that basically.... Is alone and moves alone.... Not for a real target or purpose, but just more for a sort of habit... It's like that i felt that more... That was similar to how i really feel.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for having always felt like alone... Not by one side and nor by the other and for having always justified this with many reasons of the new "current " like "i'm not categorizable _ i stay by my side _ I'm strong enough to stay alone _...."

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that making someone to believe me would have given me so much importance and so much "consciousness to be alive ".... Thinking that knowing a secret that "works in reality.... That have tangible consequencies " would have given me "power" and makes me gain that sensation of "centralization " and that "heaviness " that I've confused with consistency and then with existence.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that the ability of the "double agent " is an expression of who i am because of the simple fact that I was good at it and even if the outcomes weren't likable, it was overcome by the opportunity for the sense of "consistency" and "heaviness "given by the emotions that was making me feel more.... big..... Maybe also more similar to the adults around me.... Knowing what they usually are looking for...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having ignored that i was so much more relegated to my role and so less i was receiving what i wanted and for that running faster and faster in the opposite direction, identificating more and more in the double agent role to "hide the negative suffering with the positiveness of what i was doing " without realizing that the more i pushed the other way and the more it happened what i didn't like.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for not having realized that pushing the positivity wouldn't "heal/cancel " the negativity.... The only way to heal it is to directly facing it as directly "feeling/embracing it" while breathing and forgiving it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling ashamed to not have understood till the beginning that what i was doing was actually "badly hurting a friend" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty towards my friend.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for trying to use breath to "get away " from an emotion thinking that i've to sort of "win it" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thus having made of breath a POSITIVE FEELING within then trying to "fight " against what is no more then a symptom instead of using it to "better embrace " the symptom as what can be the link/way/route the cause.


When and as i see that i feel comfortable in that... Heaviness/consistency in the whole chest _ stomach _head _ legs that can even seems "lightness" at first glance but that to a better observation is a "bigger presence: not presence in the way we as destonians are used to but like an "expansion of the space that i occupy" and that i'm "considering mine", i stop and breath.
I realise that this "expansion of my space" is actually not mine but of my ego which is feeling more powerfull and more "able and rightful to act" while I'm letting it doing it because of the nice sensation that is delivering me, not caring that it's something that at the end.... It's not "that nice" as i like to believe.... Just because it's the best that i think i can deserve...
Thus i commit myself to understand and remember that i can deserve more than this and within this finding the motivation and strength to stop whatever I'm doing and realising that real presence is something that doesn't express in the "space that i GRAB /CATCH for me"

When and as i see that i'm using breath for sort "defeating " an emotion or feeling, I stop and breath. I realise that in that very moment I'm using breath for "getting away " from what I'm experiencing and this means that i'm not looking to what I'm experiencing and to what had lead me to that point but i want to "deny the consequencies " so to not fully accept what I'm the creator of.
Thus i commit to realise that to be able to really change my creation i need to first to completely accept, understand and be aware of what I'm actually creating. Thus i commit myself to embrace and.... "love" what i've created in that moment as the emotion/feeling as an unaware expression of who i am and loving it as i love something that i've built with my own hands.



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mar
Posts: 305
Joined: 11 Sep 2012, 01:32

Re: Marco's writing

Postby mar » 05 Mar 2015, 20:45

A negative memory of when i was 16 talking about humiliation.

It was the time of the college/boarding school. We were in the gym and the teacher was giving us some difficult exercises. One was to rise the rope. I did it till the end of it and just with my hands (without using legs) and it was by far the best performance in the class.... And i was proudly aware of it. I was hearing from the down many comments of any sorts.... one that i remember was "...you have a woman 's ass! "...
Coming back in the class, about 10 minutes after i received 2 love letters almost in the same time .... From 2 girls that haven't showed too much interest for me in about 5 months.... This didn't seem so much impossible to me because I reputed me beautiful and attractive. Since the elementary school (and before) the teachers have convinced me of my "Beautiful special eyes " and the friends and the adults in general that i have a special and "beautiful" body, then it seemed to me "obvious" to be attractive and i "felt" attractive.
In the classroom by the middle school on i've been very introverted and i didn't feel attractive in a behavioural way, but on the physical side i felt, then i've always felt this sort of separation and i was also convinced that if by one side the females around me didn't show much attraction there was this sort of inner conflict projected on the females that didn't "show" interest for me but sort of i "knew" that there must be some attraction for me anyway.... So there was this continuous self justifying the "refusal behaviours" self convincing me that the other was basically lying to me as to herself.
In addition to this there was that outside the classroom and especially on vacation my behaviour was much different as much more extroverted and there i had much more success and thus i was using this "fact" to justify to me that "the class " wasn't the right one or that i didn't deserve the "refusal " and that i cannot consider me introverted and i was continuously reputing me as "not me" when i was in the class, thinking that the "real me" was the one on vacation... So it was like that everything that happened to me in the class doesn't belong to me.... It was a mere injustice of the circumstances, and thus i never allowed me to take responsibility for my behaviour.
I remember that i put away my glasses to let my eyes be visible... In a few moments the thing was almost public and i went into the choice "dilemma" of "who choosing" and how to "give the other the bad news without hurting her". Who of the 2 choosing?
About 2 days passed and i enjoyed to think and talk about my dilemma to many persons in the college.
Then i did my choice and i wrote a letter to the one i "discarded". There was a classmate that was near me that read my letter and exclamated "come on... You are referring to her like a spare wheel... ". This sentence hardly kicked me and i included it in the refusal letter with my apologies.
When the letter was delivered it came out that it was entirely a joke... The whole thing was thought by the same classmate that told me about the spare wheel. I judge him as ugly and as someone without many "social relations ".... He was bullied for his "pigeon eyes... And i judged me for having been bullied by his "inferiority" and i envy him for having convinced the actors to play his game... Actors who were preatty "popular and significant"... I envied the consideration that he obtained.
The sentence of the spare wheel became fastly famous and the next days were hard.... Then this episode had been forgotten as always...


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having taken all the compliments that i had received like fine "candies" that were just for me.... And for convincing me of my beautiful eyes and for thinking that "if so many persons tell me about my beautiful eyes, there should be something to do with that... A reason, a purpose.... "... So my beautiful eyes are useful to receive these "candies attention! "

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that i was "loved or pampered " there was always the "beautiful eyes" compliment that made me feel "wanted and desired" that was making me think to deserve it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still carrying with me the memory of the sentence "you have a woman's ass" like a disqualification of my performance in which i put the displaying of who/what i really considered me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having "called " this joke with the 2 letters having unconsciously manifested my position after the performance as someone that deserves the attention and the manifestation of attraction towards me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having put in my body all the definitions of who and what i can consider me, like: medium-tall (easily resigned) , higly muscular(more deserving), very hairy(less deserving but balanced in later age and "characteristic ".... To be ashamed in early age ).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tryied in all the ways possible to show my body to feel then "protected" and more "deserving".... To feel the envy or admiration around me.... To "show the more" and feeling like "wrapped in the cream" and then just "sleeping in this cream " while with others... Where i was loosing interest in talking or in the present of what we were doing because i was all focussed on the other's attention that was giving me this cream.... Focusing on what i interpreted as "envy jokes".... Getting almost red for the compliments and interpreting as envy the bad jokes.... Trying to not feel offended /touched by them... But i was actually and it hurted quite much till sometimes arriving to not doing anything "showy" and retire more and more, trying to be the opposite of who i was to not undergo in humiliation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "fear" in saying that I didn't feel "attractive " or even worse: i didn't "was attractive " and for feeling the urge of like remedy for this in specifying that on vacation i was considered the exact opposite and i realise that the first sentence is the judgement /fear/struggle i have towards me, while the second sentence is the other judgement/attribute that i used to counterbalance the first.... These 2 sentences are the 2 faces of the same coin and each face is supported by the experiences i had and that i attached it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having considered me in the everyday life as the "real me" and for constantly actuating a separation in my "routine life" and for having used the vacations to go into the "polarity of repression"where it was like a "hunting to the female" in a way quite obsessive and "showy/direct ".... Like if i had to "put away the stock for the winter".... I was sure that nobody that knows me in my everyday life would have ever recognized me if seen in the vacation situation because of the "total transformation " that i thought to pass through.... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having taken it as my "real strength ".... The double agent.... Double identity.... i was saying "i'm not as you think and you couldn't ever imagine! " and I've even fantasised on this.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having fantasised on the emotional estate of a classmate that would seen my behaviour on vacation or about my conquers for like showing that i'm not "as he/she was thinking" and for enjoying the "victory sensation" in the change of consideration of the other... Where the revenge/victory sensation stays in the "admission" that a presented fact must carry.... And in the "fatigue " and stress that carries a revision of the "positions" in a consideration game that carries with it what i hope: a "devaluation" of who has to admit a "superiority" of someone else because it implies an inferiority.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having tryied to make feel inferior a classmate because of the times that he or she had made me feel that way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having gone into the dilemma of "how to refuse the other without hurting her", because of the personal importance that i was living and then feeling the "power" on another human being and for having included this power in my personal importance... Thinking that in that moment i was "delivering happiness "...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having seen many occasions like a sad person who needs help (like actually my daughter) as an occasion to "deliver happiness" to then feeling better with myself and reputing me "more important " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for everytime that someone asks for my "pampering " automatically feeling me "put in the game"... In a game where the goal is basically "make the other forget " about the problem, deviating the attention on a fuzzy solution... And no matter how much i believe in that solution because i don't understand that in playing that game I'm not really listening to the other's problem, because I'm too much focussed on finding a solution, without realizing that in sadness everything that someone needs is the presence of another human being because that person is actually feeling the distance by himself as the other human beings. So i commit myself to stay as honestly as possible near that person, being the example in that moment as listening and accepting the other being as myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt sort of joked /bullshitted /trapped with the spare wheel episode... Because i was at first "enlightened" by the spare wheel paragon (i felt it was true) and i tried to justify that exact sentence in the letter... Then that thing went public and was a way of bullying me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt like i've "put the hands of the enemy on my throat and helped him to strangle me".... Feeling even more stupid and "weak".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling like if the "guiltiness " was his, not mine...
And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having justified me when hearing that someone spoke about the spare wheel that "it was not my idea! It was HIS idea! ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that taking responsibility for what i've chosen to "copy or accepting " means taking the "humiliation in silence " without involving who or what i copied without realizing that what now I'm doing is actually an act to increase my self importance, thinking that carrying the "weight of insuccess" would make me "more"... Pretending that this self inflicted guiltiness would be recognised to me "by who is blaming me" without realizing that this is a way of "showing " /challenging who i think is challenging me.... I commit myself to realise in that moment that nobody is personally challenging me and thus i've to stop to want to challenge the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt "doubly joked/beaten ": by the joke in itself and by the "nature of the joker ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having judged the joker as someone who "could be inferior to me " or anyway in someone in who i can project my identity and my... Comparisons.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that the joker "took everybody by his side, even those that were bullying him and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having desired to have made that deed instead of him without realizing that this makes me the same type of perso, totally accepting the game and thus also its "presents" as its "failures and debts ".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that time (for "another time "): "the time would heal this episode again.... I should just wait and resist..." Which is basically true, but i was living it taking and accepting every shot that was arriving... Taking each comment or direct offens as something that i deserve or as something that i should "repress to make stop ".... Something that i have to "accumulate" till it arrives...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for thinking that each insult or bullying shot was something that i've to "take" and accumulate because of the accepted and allowed concept that "I've been joked/defeated " and thus it's what i deserve because of this game /play that we were used to... The game of control.


When and as i see that someone goes to me to "open himself " and to "open to me" about his problems or feeling and i immediately go into "feeling important " and into seeing him as an opportunity to "use the knowledge " in which I'm actually living so to give importance to this knowledge and to self convince me as the other that this knowledge is useful.... Because this is actually what my ego wants: trying always to find new ways of convincing me because of the continuous "not working " of these knowledge, thus it needs to perpetuate the "motivations of these believings" to build the trust in the hope that through perpetuating the instructions "one day " it will be fine, then i stop and breath.
I realise that in this way I'm not actually helping anyone because I'm not really listening to what the other is going through.... I'm actually "waiting for the right word and for the right comtext" to link that to my knowledge so to make me to "magically appear " in this "pain history " which actually has the full consideration of that person. And another more..... I'm also trying to demonstrate my "ability " to the other... I also "need " to "give the answer that the other don't find ".... To demonstrate to me as to him that I don't live in the same problem and the same way.... I need that and i like the opportunity to "demonstrate " it.
I commit myself to stop any "easy answer " and any "easy satisfaction " to really listen to the words that are spoken and to remain in the context of those words when assisting and supporting someone so that the help can really be understood and be effective.... Because in reformulating and reconfiguring the words which are spoken is the most powerful way to change and put in discussion the "basis" of someone's construct.

When and as i see that if i undergo the consequencies of another one's choice and i go into wanting to blame the other or taking the "guiltiness upon me" because of an ego satisfaction/fuzzy solution, i stop and breath.
I realise that in taking the guiltiness upon me there is an ego satisfaction based on the conviction that the other would think "wow! Marco did an error but had the guts to take responsibility for it without questioning and simply admitting and accepting its consequencies.... I've to consider this! " without realizing that this is the game where this is me vs the other/boss... Where i'm accepting the challenge and i begin to try to "deceive" the other for the ego satisfaction of feeling "important " and having the "positive energy reward ".
I commit myself to understand that the only way that my ego has to "link to me" as to resemble interesting and important to me is through the delivering of positive energy or the NOT delivering of negative energy, thus i commit myself to disidentify/detoxify /give up to energy in any form through.... Trying...
And also i commit myself to give up to the game of "controlling the other's thought " for the ego satisfaction of feeling important in "someone's head" and ego vision, realizing that the ego vision 's of someone's ego is another place which is not real.




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