Negative emotion of when i was very young, about 5.
In my life my father had always come to take me once every 2 weekend. When he took me back he always was remaining about 10 minutes to have a chat with my mother and i always stayed there watching them speaking.
That time was different.... I was perceiving that my father was quite upset.... He had been for the whole weekend.... I sort of expected something bad will happen.
It was a money matter.... Now that i think about it my father was completely right in his point, but it doesn't matter now....his behaviour within it is the core.
I remember that they began to scream one another and a bad emotion started rising within me. Then my father, in a clear moment of rage, stood up and went towards my mother with the clear intent to put his hands on her (probably he wanted to give her some slaps).
My mother, who has always been an active and "blind" feminist, when realized what my father was going to do to "HER!! "
reacted so vehemently that my father desisted almost immediately in his intent. He then put the hands in the wallet and litterally threw the money to her and went away. It was a clear message of brake.
The peculiar fact in this was that, i don't remember when exactly, at some point i litterally exploded in a moment.... I emitted a loud noise and big tears went immediately down my eyes. In that precise moment they stopped immediately and both looked to me simultaneously for about 2 or 3 seconds.... Then they started again exactly like before.
When my father went away, my mother was very angry and had a very bad behaviour with me too.... I tried to calm her taking the money from the floor and bringing to her telling her that "there were many" but her sight/face standed to me bad and firm.... The sight of whom has "knowledge and power", the sight of who knows exactly what is thinking... The sight that you know that when the silence will be broken it will happen something fast and strong.... Something that i won't have the time and preparation to deal with.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not having realized that in this episode, within the money matter, I'm by "my father's side", probably because i have always had problems with money with my mother, while almost never with my father.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always blamed my mother to be a stingy too much worried about money. She was the typical old person which lived in the after war, always fearing of seeing the money "going away from the hands" without ever realizing the giant amount of it that she had.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having blamed my mother to always have "all the money she wants for her, but never enough for me" and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having always felt "as being lied" and for having then felt many times allowed to blame her for what i wasn't able to have or for the paragons i did with my peers.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving now rage/blame and judgement in remembering her reaction every time I asked her money.... The reaction of a disappointment derived by the "i don't understand what is important yet! Or i don't understand that this is a preoccupation that i shouldn't give to my mother! ".
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling "by my father 's side" as i feel that i "understand" his reaction as i understand all his argumentations (that some i still remember and that i've used against my mother later) and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having seen in his act a "liberation".... The outburst/the "right consequence"/the right satisfaction in thinking "at least she took what she deserved!"
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this sense of "vengenance" is derived from all the times that i've blamed my mother for how i reputed me "different"/disadvantaged.... Unjustifiedly disadvantaged with my peers.... As if i wasn't allowed to be and feel as all my "similars"... As what i was taught to aim to, but i couldn't because of no ACCEPTABLE REASON other then the "will" of someone else... And within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having learnt to "hate " as the blaming reason of the unacceptance.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have always despised my mother for her giant ego, that "allowed her" to behave in her peculiar brutal way, where the rage was the justifier of everything and every act and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for then having learnt when older to actually "do the same onto her" through blaming her for how she behaved with me and for the rage she reversed onto me.... Basically reversing on her the same rage she reversed onto me while screaming her that she was just "a kid that can't do nothing else then looking for scapegoats or just do useless teasings instead of thinking to possible solutions." So behaving exactly like her instead of trying to find possible solutions.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for still self judging me in the behaviour i had with my mother.... Perceiving the emotions of the times where i screamed and blamed her and for feeling "trapped " in it as what i "learnt" and not being able to describe the void that i felt when blaming her... Without realizing that there is too much in my past with her and too much hardened within me to easily incapsulate everything inside a one single strong realisation... It should be worked memory by memory and on the consequencies created.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, in the moment i exploded crying, not remembering exactly what i was feeling.... Although i remember that was really intense and it was something that i've never experienced before.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt offended and discussed everytime that my father, while speaking with his mother, was insulting my mother saying that she was stupid and that she doesn't understand anything and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having simply accepted passively these insults that were said in a loud voice with great despise and for the bad feeling that the fact that these insults were pronounced completely carelessly that i was there hearing that all.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having then sort of learnt and justified many other times that my mother was being insulted by many kind of persons that talked with me and for having found me stucked between the pain that this provoked me and by the fact that i was agreeing with those insults... Finding within me the justification to not "react" to not define me "incoherent " within me and within the other.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used my mother as an easy way of complaining to obtain a fast and easy "approval" and support as our society tells us to behave in these situations, thus I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having actually being directly responsible for the persons that insulted my mother and for also having found me stucked then in not liking something that i felt responsible for the creation.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for, when my father went away, having felt responsible for what happened because of the way my mother looked to me while saying "did you see it? These are things that doesn't mend! " in a serious way... Like a scolding way.... I don't know what her intentions were but i clearly remember that i saw this as a reproof like "look at the entity of what you have done! " and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself foreffectively thinking that this was what actually happened in an easy opportunity to blame her, dued to the idea i have within me of my mother that i was her easiest way of blaming.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for perceiving fear and guiltiness when i say something that results in a "freezing" glance/sight in my interlocutor, fearing a strong and bad reaction that will overwhelm me with its intensity/power and determination.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myselffor having learnt to fear it in all the times that this happened especially with my mother and father, like for instance the time with my mother and the car, with my father and insults, ecc...
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having also intentionally provoked that type of freezing sight/glance probably for both a feel of power and for a sort of "masochistic" attitude, knowing that this act wouldn't have lead to something i could deal with, but for simply not knowing what else to do... It seemed me the only way.... It was just the program and the little sense that was saying "this won't end good..."
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself
for now seeing in provoking this reaction a sense of power and control, through seeing that the reaction of the other is as i was imaging.... Seeing this thing as a nice game where i feel important and valuable because i can "impersonate the results" because they are as " I " have imagined.
When and as i see that I'm going to "provoke" someone through sort of challenging him through "pushing his buttons" as the buttons i perceive and in the meantime feeling that sense of "this isn't going to end well..." in the stomach, i stop and breath. I realise that I'm trying to manipulate this person to get back what i perceive has been removed by me, in the perspective of provoking in the other the same sense of "voidness" that i'm feeling, thus seeing the thing from the perspective of showing the other as to myself that "i'm able to do the same with you ".
I commit myself to stop me immediately from going on with the pushing of the button and to think about what "am i perceiving removed from me", thus then deciding if it could be useful to get back on the argument.