Zakaria's Blog

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Zakaria Husain
Posts: 493
Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 10 Jul 2016, 20:06

Day 16 - Limitation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been fighting for my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am not fighting my limitations, when I can see I am making excuses for myself in every possible way, making excuses to avoid myself and to carry on living in the same way I always have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for my limited state of being, believing that it is their fault that I am here - that it is some outside constraint that stops me from living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a secret wish for some outside agency to come and ‘save’ me from myself, to lift me up and out of my life and into another one, a life that is ‘better’. Not seeing, realising, or understanding how I have not remembered who is responsible for what I am experiencing in each moment of breath - me. Thus even if I was lifted into a ‘new life’ I would still create the same shit for myself, perhaps even on a grander level.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that other people have a directive influence over me when in actuality I am the one moving,influencing, and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the past as a definition of myself, believing that past is what defines me - not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am defining it thus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for their choices that they have made, for their beliefs and their attitudes, and for their state of being, not seeing, realising, or understanding that there patterns are my own, and that we share nearly all of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of myself when I fail in my applications, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding that within this failure to do what I have set out to do, I can instead investigate why it is I failed, and hence dis-cover what it is that holds me back.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in my daily living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self sabotaging of myself by worrying about what others will think of me when I express myself - hence stopping my expression before I have even begun to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in a self limiting of myself through fear of failure and fear of being wrong, not seeing, realising, or understanding that failing and being wrong is a part of the learning process, and that I need not let past experiences of humiliation at failing/being wrong guide me into not making any mistakes or failings whatsoever - through not allowing myself to ‘put myself out there’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am less than my mind and as such have no control over how I experience myself on a day to day basis.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I am responsible for myself in all ways, and that when I start to see myself thinking and feeling ‘I need someone or something to take me out of this rut’ - I stop I and I breathe - and I will myself to bring myself back to the realisation that it is all me, that I am responsible for All of it, for every thought, emotion/feeling, and backchat, and in realising this, to understand that I am capable of stopping whatever it is that is ‘on my mind’, through the simple understanding that it is me, and that it is showing me what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I will myself to investigate all memories which I have not cleared, and to expunge them from my beingness until such a point that when I think of the memory, there are no more reactions.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of failure, a fear of being wrong, a fear of embarrassment or humiliation - I stop and I breathe. I see, realise, and understand that being afraid to fail means that I do not allow myself to opportunity to expand myself. Thus I will myself to let go of the fear of failures and to understand that it is all part of the learning process, and thus to not judge failure when it does happen. Furthermore seeing, realising, and understanding that embarrassment and humiliation are thoughts and emotions that I add on to failure, within this realising that I do not need to add these on to those moments where I have ‘got it wrong’.



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Zakaria Husain
Posts: 493
Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 04 Aug 2016, 10:26

Day 17 - I am not enough - really?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am not enough as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this belief that I am not enough - as I am comparing myself with others in my reality, whom I then set myself against - and say to myself that ‘I do not stand up to this being, they are better than me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must be able to stand up to beings, standing up to them in the sense that I can match or exceed good qualities that they have, like having better grades, jobs, money’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that I am ‘stupid’ because this is what was said to me as a young person growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally the words ‘you are not very clever’ - these words that came from family members, that I could see in that moment as being ‘true’ as I had not surpassed any of the ‘challenges’ that had been set forth by previous and current family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everything my mother and father says is ‘true’ and can be trusted. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that this isn’t really true, as they were the ones that were telling me as I grew up, that their word was equivalent to the ‘word of god’ and thus they should always be trusted. I will myself to see and realise and understand that I cannot trust my parents in terms of their belief systems that have built around me, that I must be this, and do this, and earn this - thus there is no need to take them personally anymore when they are attempting to impose a belief construct upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because my grades, jobs, money does not reflect and match where other family members are, then what these people are saying is in fact true, that I ‘am stupid’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based upon another person’s perception of me as being good or bad, in this case allowing my parent’s judgements of my grades to infect me with a sense of uselessness and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that an average grade is bad, as ‘everybody get’s an average grade, and an average grade won’t set you apart from the rest’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that the whole education system is fucked, and that I was never really educated in how to live as and be a human being. Thus when and as I see myself going into a comparison and competition with other beings about the grade that we both ‘share’, to see, realise, and understand that there is no point in feeling bad about the grades that I have obtained in the past, that my attention can be given to what is right here - through what I can work with in terms of understanding myself in every minute detail. Real Education through self-discovering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I need to be set apart from the rest, to be shown and seen as special.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how the need to be set apart and special is stemming from this base programmed belief that ‘I am not enough’, that ‘I need to be more’ - thus when and as I see myself going into this roundabout way of self-diminishing myself - I stop and I breathe - and through seeing the pattern and understanding what it means and where it comes from, I stop my participation within it and move myself into something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the dishonest belief that I am rejecting these values of ‘seeking to be set apart’ completely, when in fact I have embraced them completely within myself, as I have seen through my need to rebel through my formative years I was in fact saying to myself ‘I wish to be set apart from Them’ - thus participating in the very same construct of needing to be separate from, again not seeing, realising, or understanding that I have fallen into the same construct of needing to stand out, but in a manner in which I trick myself into believing that I am ‘not participating in the same glory hunting that ‘they’ are’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sadness when I showed my parents my grades, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction towards their reaction of disappointment, allowing myself to be shocked for a split second, and then myself going into resentment and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment participate in the backchat ‘you are not good parents, good parents should be proud regardless, good parents should not be disappointed’, trying to justify to myself why it is ok for me to be angry with their disappointment at my grades, attempting to look away from the fact that my anger is my own.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that my standards for what good parenting should be like is not really based on any or principles, they are just what I happen to believe, what has been instilled into me - as I have not investigated what good parenting actually is.



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viktor
Posts: 1339
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby viktor » 09 Aug 2016, 06:44

Cool Zakaria,

Interesting this point with grades, money, career, and raising in the system, how much value we place on it, while on the other hand, the pursuit of dedicating our lives to bringing about a solution to this mess is not seen as valuable. It only goes to show that our value systems are screwed and that we cannot trust the older generations, or what is promoted in society as being success, and value. Real value and worth is something we must establish and define for ourselves.




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