Day 273 Postponement
I see myself as postponing myself in my work, I say to myself ‘Oh I will do it tomorrow, there is enough time, I can do other things today’.
This cycle ends up continuing into days, and in extreme cases weeks. There are moments where I see myself as about to do the thing in question, the work that I need to get going, but then I participate in a fear of ‘what if’s’ – ‘what if it is a negative response’ – ‘what if they say something that I don’t like’ – ‘what if they say something I do not have an answer too’. And so after this in a split second I say to myself subtly ‘oh relax, I will just do it tomorrow, when tomorrow comes I will have more courage’.
I believe that I am ‘filling up my time’ with useful and practical things – when in fact I can actually really see that all I am doing is trying to avoid that one point, that one point that has to get done, or nothing will happen.
I see myself hiding behind excuses and justifications like ‘but if I do that I will be well tired, oh woe is me’. Bearing in mind that the things I am visualising like physical tiredness after much work – has Never actually happened. Yet I allow myself to envisage it happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the character of postponement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I will do it tomorrow, there is enough time, and I can do other things today’ – not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in fact just hiding from myself, hiding myself away from my fears I have of actually doing the thing(s) I have to do.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I self-sabotage myself, because when in the moment where I am about to move into the work, or the writing, I stop and think ‘what if?’ – thus not ever fully seeing, realising, or understanding how I have set this mechanism up within myself to keep me from moving, from actually changing who I am as inactivity/lethargy/dullness – into pro-activeness and real physical movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of receiving a negative response from the people I am attempting to liaise – allowing myself to stop dead in my tracks because of a mind fear, that in every single case, shows itself as having never existed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the thought of ‘what if they ask something I do not have an answer too’ – as this is just another excuse to not ‘step up’ within myself and within the world. Another fear that limits me, my expression of myself, and where I go in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweep my fears under an imaginary carpet where I won’t have to look at them until ‘it’s the right time’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘there is a right time’ to do what I need to do, not seeing, realising, and understanding that whenever I say that I am just hiding myself away from myself, trying to avoid my responsibilities.
Indeed it would seem that if I am doing this within myself, then my response ability is lacking in whatever it is I am doing, as I am trying to avoid responding due to some fear, some backchat, some form of limitation that I am placing on myself as a reason for why I cannot do a certain thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted to participate in the belief that I am ‘doing practical other practical things’ when in fact I am avoiding what I really have to do as the main point that will get things moving in actual physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by absorbing myself in other activities that are ‘work related’ – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am doing all these other point while avoiding the ONE point that I have to do to get myself moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the things that I have to do for myself and by myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that these fears are unfounded, as I have done all of these things before in the past, alone, why shoot myself in the legs before I have even had a chance to change my actual day to day living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the justification that ‘I will be too tired to do the things I need to do’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experience of woe, as if my existence is actually woeful – when I can see and realise and understand that it is really NOT and that I create this woe all by myself.
When and as I see myself participate in the thought that I will do something tomorrow, or that there is enough time – to stop and to breathe – and to get to doing what I need to do right now instead of allowing myself to be directed by my mind into stopping myself from doing my work. To face myself and to face what I am hiding from, to investigate and to forgive and to literally move myself.
I will myself to see my self-sabotage for what it is, that I am killing myself through this sabotage, that I kill myself through not allowing myself to live by these principles that I propound, thus in writing and working with what I have too, I expand and grow myself into this existence. The writing is akin to the groundwork or foundation, and the work is actually going out and making it real and testing it. The two go hand in hand.
I will myself to forgive myself as I see the justifications coming up, and see, realise, understand and live the principle that justifications are just fictions.
There is no right time to do things as according to what my mind says, as I can see/realise when I am trying to hide myself away from myself, or when there is actually a purpose in waiting, the difference is as clear as night and day, as in these instances I know the truth of what I am doing, and where I am saying things from.
I will myself to see, realise, and understand that when I am avoiding a whole construct, or an ‘area of work’ that I am usually just hiding from one point that I am reacting too, or that I am in fear of. Thus I forgive the point, and release myself, and then I continue on immediately.
My fears, projections, emotions, and justifications are not real, they are self-manufactured and are designed to keep me locked into self limitation – as I have designed it thus within me, all my own self limitations are my own self accepted and self allowed modes of being. Nothing more or less.