Zakaria's Blog

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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 31 Aug 2014, 10:05

Me and my relationship to food

So I saw myself today in an interesting moment – when I saw that I was not full and carried on eating and wanting more – I said to myself ‘but no you can’t anymore – look at how much you have eaten compared to the meals you have the last few days – something is wrong’.

But is something really wrong? Lately I have begun chewing my food and stopping eating when I am hungry, at the moment of fullness. My relationship to food has changed in that regard, where once I would eat heaps and heaps in one go, and then not eat for a while, and then do the same thing again.

I saw that was eating far less than usual but much more often, then today after having gone out for a while I came back to eat and saw myself eating far more than I had done. I immediately started to judge myself and say ‘no, this is not the same as before’. I immediately start gravitating to the thought that something is wrong inside me, I ask myself the question ‘why the fuck am I so hungry?’

I would laugh at this because it is so funny, but I can’t bring myself too as it is so stupid as well; I am judging the amount of food that is going into me, when my body is clearly saying feed me more. I mean I had just gone out for quite a long walk and I did not even allow myself to see that my body would be hungrier as a result.

Despite the fact that I am actually listening to my body in terms of what and when and how much to eat, I seem to have turned this into some sort of diet philosophy – something which I can cling too – something which has certain rules. I am trying to lay out some rules to this new way of looking at food.

But we don’t all piss at the same time, and how much we piss is not a set amount, we do not limit and hold ourselves in and say ‘this is enough piss’ – or ‘this is enough shit for now’ – we just piss and shit as much as we need too. So it stands to reason and common sense that we eat as much as we need too as well, of whatever it is that supports our bodies best. Duh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of eating massive amounts of food

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand that eating a lot of food is really dependent upon the situation, and thus literally I shall eat as much as my body wants of whatever best supports it, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be guided in my food choices by what the food programmers have said is good, instead of relying on what my body wants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a justification as to why how much I am eating right now is not good for me, not realising that in past moment I did not need to eat as much but in this moment I do. I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that something is wrong with me for wanting to eat more than what I perceive as correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am now special because I chew my food – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am doing this for myself, not as the idea that I have elevated myself above the masses. I see realise and understand how simply chewing is helping me on a day to day basis, just slowing down in eating is allowing me to slow down within myself when out in reality

I direct myself to actually see how my whole relationship to food is changing for the first time, now not just eating for the sake of eating or limiting what I eat, but eating for my body instead, as and when I feel hungry, it never needs to be any more complicated than this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how I would eat before in comparison to how I am eating now, believing that I in the past I was ‘bad’ with food – I was not bad, I was simply ignorant of what I was doing to myself, using food as an emotional crutch to make me ‘feel’ better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive food as being solely for pleasure, not seeing or realising the other very real facets that food provides, like nourishing the body, and allowing me to carry on breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the use of food as a gateway to get out of any bad shit I am going through – now seeing, realising, and understanding that only writing and self-forgiveness is going to get me out of the bind(s) I have placed upon myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as my own food police instead of allowing myself to be fluid as to my food choices, being truly unrestricted in what I eat, realising that it is actually about how my own body responds to food rather than my pre-established beliefs about certain foods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a labelling of food as either bad, good, or somewhere in the middle – not realising that food is Food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an eating of food from the starting point of being concerned about my body image,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that If I eat too much I will be fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in eating from a point of fearing fat in my food, not realising that this is my own personal brainwashing. Fat is fat, neither bad nor good, just depends on what my body needs, and how much of it – it will always boil down to this one simple point – what does my body really need to sustain itself effectively in this moment?

I direct myself to eat as much as I need too to satiate my hunger, there is no too much or too little when it comes to eating, I eat till I am full. Not before that, and not any further.

When and as I see myself going into a justification of why I should or should not eat more food – I stop and I breathe – because I see realise and understand that this should not affect my decision making when it comes to food and eating, there can be no excuses or justifications for why and how much of something I should or shouldn’t eat – I simply eat till I am full – and I listen to how my body is responding to a particular food.

I will myself to start to listen to my body carefully and with exactness when it comes to what I am eating – and to slowly but surely see what it is that really makes my body feel cool, and what it is that makes me feel uncool/uncomfortable.

I will myself to stop being my own food police, there is no reason for it.

When and as I see myself as participating in the belief that I am special because I chew my food – I stop and I breathe – and I look around and see that there is really nothing that there exists in physical reality no ‘special’ and that it is method of my mind used to separate me from actual living existence

I will myself to let go of my ideas and beliefs that certain foods are bad, and certain foods good - and to discover which foods support me in the best possible way.

I will myself to no longer allow myself to emotionally eat myself up, to rather investigate any emotions or feelings with regard to food before I eat, eating with a mind that is free and clear from any thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I will myself to forever let go of the belief that I must finish what food is on my plate – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being seen as rude by family/cultural relatives for not finishing my plate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being seen as ungrateful for the food I am eating



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barbara
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby barbara » 31 Aug 2014, 14:12

Very cool with not being your own 'food police' :) - policing yourself coming from ideas that one has blindly accepted as the do's and don'ts, but to check what supports and what doesn't.

Nice comparison here, lol, true:
But we don’t all piss at the same time, and how much we piss is not a set amount, we do not limit and hold ourselves in and say ‘this is enough piss’ – or ‘this is enough shit for now’ – we just piss and shit as much as we need too. So it stands to reason and common sense that we eat as much as we need too as well, of whatever it is that supports our bodies best. Duh.
Thanks for sharing!



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 03 Sep 2014, 19:50

Day 272

On the subject of food, there an interesting thing that I am not seeing, the tendency to emotionally eat myself up. It’s crazy, as when I see myself as having participated in emotions and feelings I can see myself eating faster, trying to scoff it down quicker.

Also noticed when somebody had eaten my food the thought that came up was that I needed to eat the remaining food ‘as quickly as possible’. I also noticed that I don’t eat chew and eat as slowly when there are other people around – I see myself getting worried that they will hear my incessant chomping and get annoyed, I get apprehensive that they will start talking to me as I am eating, like I won’t be able to eat how I actually want to eat – slowly and methodically, being with every chomp.

I also see myself as speeding up when I believe I have things to do, just a slight speed up, but noticeable enough, and completely unnecessary.

I am afraid that people will think I am being rude to them by not talking to them, or seeming to ‘drift off’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional eating, where I literally place myself inside an emotion and then start eating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in eating from a point of frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a hurried eating – where I allow myself to believe that I must rush to do something or ‘get something done’, not seeing or realising or even understanding the ultimate importance of what I am doing right now, in feeding my physical body properly, taking it slow with each bite and chew and being totally present with myself instead of being somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gulp down my food faster in the presence of other people believing that it is impolite to chew my food for long period of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that it is not polite to chew ones food, the sheer ridiculousness of this statement is amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swallow my food faster because someone is talking to me, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I can tell if somebody is about to talk to me, how I can prep in advance for such a moment, or even how I can just carry on chewing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the belief that ‘if I buy food for my family- I must eat my share, and I must eat it immediately’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my food getting lost in the bellies of other people in my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of people thinking that I am being rude to them by not giving them ‘attention’ while I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a desire to eat even after I have become full, just because I fear the food not being there anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I must eat now, even though I have eaten to fullness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand how I have been living as this fear of not having enough food, and as a result have fed myself excessively throughout my life not actually considering my body and when it actually becomes hungry.

I am seeing that although I have slowed down a lot in how I eat, there are still things which come up – like the eating out of emotions, or the eating to rush and get things done – I see, realise, and understand that I have been doing this for a long time, and that stopping and changing a habit completely will take some time.

I will myself to breathe through my desire to eat incessantly, and after breathing-to check if I am actually hungry for food, hungry for water, or just mind hungry

When and as I see myself as in the middle of an emotion and about to start eating, I stop and I breathe – and I do not allow myself to eat from this energetic starting point, as it won’t really be me feeding me as I have seen, but something else takes over, an automation where I just try and get through the food as quickly as possible – thus I can use the food as an anchor point for stability, not allowing myself to go fast, but to take it very slowly, and to actually come back to myself as a living breathing eating body.

I will myself to see and realise when and how I feed myself is the when and how of how I live life in this world, just like how I breathe, how I think, how I talk and act, all dictate who I am in this life.

I will myself to see that other people’s opinions of me really hold no weight unless I give them weight, in which case it shows how I am accepting and allowing a reaction within myself, thus literally to not give a shit what other people say about me is ok.

Investigate all things though, and keep what’s best. Other people’s perspectives can be very useful in terms of my own self expansion.

I can ask myself if there is something that they are saying that I don’t want to see within myself, I can use this for myself, and hence I can grow.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 18 Sep 2014, 19:09

Day 273 Postponement

I see myself as postponing myself in my work, I say to myself ‘Oh I will do it tomorrow, there is enough time, I can do other things today’.

This cycle ends up continuing into days, and in extreme cases weeks. There are moments where I see myself as about to do the thing in question, the work that I need to get going, but then I participate in a fear of ‘what if’s’ – ‘what if it is a negative response’ – ‘what if they say something that I don’t like’ – ‘what if they say something I do not have an answer too’. And so after this in a split second I say to myself subtly ‘oh relax, I will just do it tomorrow, when tomorrow comes I will have more courage’.

I believe that I am ‘filling up my time’ with useful and practical things – when in fact I can actually really see that all I am doing is trying to avoid that one point, that one point that has to get done, or nothing will happen.

I see myself hiding behind excuses and justifications like ‘but if I do that I will be well tired, oh woe is me’. Bearing in mind that the things I am visualising like physical tiredness after much work – has Never actually happened. Yet I allow myself to envisage it happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the character of postponement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I will do it tomorrow, there is enough time, and I can do other things today’ – not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in fact just hiding from myself, hiding myself away from my fears I have of actually doing the thing(s) I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I self-sabotage myself, because when in the moment where I am about to move into the work, or the writing, I stop and think ‘what if?’ – thus not ever fully seeing, realising, or understanding how I have set this mechanism up within myself to keep me from moving, from actually changing who I am as inactivity/lethargy/dullness – into pro-activeness and real physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of receiving a negative response from the people I am attempting to liaise – allowing myself to stop dead in my tracks because of a mind fear, that in every single case, shows itself as having never existed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the thought of ‘what if they ask something I do not have an answer too’ – as this is just another excuse to not ‘step up’ within myself and within the world. Another fear that limits me, my expression of myself, and where I go in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweep my fears under an imaginary carpet where I won’t have to look at them until ‘it’s the right time’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘there is a right time’ to do what I need to do, not seeing, realising, and understanding that whenever I say that I am just hiding myself away from myself, trying to avoid my responsibilities.

Indeed it would seem that if I am doing this within myself, then my response ability is lacking in whatever it is I am doing, as I am trying to avoid responding due to some fear, some backchat, some form of limitation that I am placing on myself as a reason for why I cannot do a certain thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to participate in the belief that I am ‘doing practical other practical things’ when in fact I am avoiding what I really have to do as the main point that will get things moving in actual physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by absorbing myself in other activities that are ‘work related’ – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am doing all these other point while avoiding the ONE point that I have to do to get myself moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the things that I have to do for myself and by myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that these fears are unfounded, as I have done all of these things before in the past, alone, why shoot myself in the legs before I have even had a chance to change my actual day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the justification that ‘I will be too tired to do the things I need to do’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experience of woe, as if my existence is actually woeful – when I can see and realise and understand that it is really NOT and that I create this woe all by myself.

When and as I see myself participate in the thought that I will do something tomorrow, or that there is enough time – to stop and to breathe – and to get to doing what I need to do right now instead of allowing myself to be directed by my mind into stopping myself from doing my work. To face myself and to face what I am hiding from, to investigate and to forgive and to literally move myself.

I will myself to see my self-sabotage for what it is, that I am killing myself through this sabotage, that I kill myself through not allowing myself to live by these principles that I propound, thus in writing and working with what I have too, I expand and grow myself into this existence. The writing is akin to the groundwork or foundation, and the work is actually going out and making it real and testing it. The two go hand in hand.

I will myself to forgive myself as I see the justifications coming up, and see, realise, understand and live the principle that justifications are just fictions.

There is no right time to do things as according to what my mind says, as I can see/realise when I am trying to hide myself away from myself, or when there is actually a purpose in waiting, the difference is as clear as night and day, as in these instances I know the truth of what I am doing, and where I am saying things from.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that when I am avoiding a whole construct, or an ‘area of work’ that I am usually just hiding from one point that I am reacting too, or that I am in fear of. Thus I forgive the point, and release myself, and then I continue on immediately.

My fears, projections, emotions, and justifications are not real, they are self-manufactured and are designed to keep me locked into self limitation – as I have designed it thus within me, all my own self limitations are my own self accepted and self allowed modes of being. Nothing more or less.



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Leila
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Leila » 18 Sep 2014, 21:58

There is no right time to do things as according to what my mind says, as I can see/realise when I am trying to hide myself away from myself, or when there is actually a purpose in waiting, the difference is as clear as night and day, as in these instances I know the truth of what I am doing, and where I am saying things from.
Cool Zak - now remember this!!



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 08 Oct 2014, 22:13

Day 274

I tried to come across to somebody from a point of saying ‘I have something that you need, I have something that is better than anything you have ever seen, I have something that you don’t have’ – I was trying to establish myself with this person, trying to get them to think ‘wow, this guy knows his stuff, I must stop and listen.

They opened their mouth to speak to me, and it was just a ‘no’ – and they basically added that they were already clued up in what I am doing – that they have extensive experience in this sector, and that they hold high office within it.

I immediately felt like I had been slapped in the face, my backchat consisted of ‘how dare he think he is superior to me? This guy is an asshole’.

I participated in anger before he had open his mouth as I had already made the assessment, according to me, he had that look of a ‘know it all’ - that air of superiority, as if to say ‘I have it all – why the fuck do I need you?’ I reacted with hate to my own view of ‘how he was’ – but seeing it now, I am realising that I do the exact same thing when it comes to other people, all the things that I judged in him, I do the exact same thing to nearly all people, all the time. Always reacting to another human being as an assessment and then reaction. Thus my assessments that are not based in common sense and consideration to what is here – and that I dish out to other people as well as myself, will always reflect who I am within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in speaking to somebody from a starting point of seeming superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I have something that everybody needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in trying to ‘establish myself’ with this being, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘establishing’ is a ‘thing’ that I need to do. Thus not seeing, realising, nor understanding that self-establishment is paramount, as I am the beginning of all things that I establish within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative reaction towards this being saying no to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inferiority where-by I allow myself to construct a reality where this other person is elevated and placed way above me, as if they are god-like and unreachable, and as if I am insignificant.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position of inferiority when I am ‘put up’ (I set myself up as an adversary) against what I perceive as their awesome intellect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a placing of them and simultaneously myself in a position of struggle between one another, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself against him, like mentally we are about to have a fight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being smacked down. Not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am the only one smacking my self down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in jealousy towards the person that ‘knew more than I did’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative belief about myself where I am okaying myself to feel bad about myself by justifying through the belief that I must experience me as inferior. I forgive myself that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to use what I see as happening here physically where I am faced with this person, as a justification to go into negativity about myself, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding that I am not actually seeing what is happening in this moment clearly, because the actual physical events that occurred did not contain any of the thoughts, feeling, emotions, or backchats that I am allowing myself to go into within this actual moment. They are all me. Thus this inferiority (or any thing that I experience) starts with me, and ends with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards this person while he spoke to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this projection and blame of my anger towards him when in fact I can see now that I am hiding responsibility for how I feel about myself, on him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in hatred of this person’s ‘air’ as what I apparently ‘saw’ in him. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am creating this ‘air’ around him, I am projecting my own beliefs I have onto him, accepting and allowing myself to trust and believe in my assessment of his nature, not seeing and realising that my assessment is based in memories and imaginations.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that he is pompous, not seeing, realising, and understanding that it is actually I myself who hold onto pompousness within my ‘nature’

I react to anything that I don’t like about myself – and that I apparently see in others, or react when I see another as having fulfilled something to the seemingly utmost potential, reacting because I myself have not achieved such points in my own life. In this case the role of someone with educational importance.

My desires don’t even come pre-made. They are fabricated into existence as soon as I see someone that ‘has something’ – and then it is like the lie that ‘I have always wanted that’ becomes real within me, I pretend that that want or desire has always been there for this thing that I am seeing right now in front of me for the first time. And so I am like kidding myself in real time, there are so many more points where I can see this unfolding. Like believing that I am doing something good, when in reality I really know that I am doing it for some perceived personal gain; that ironically most of the time never shows up.

I cheat myself into believing that this game that I am playing is real, and that it is really benefiting me, when in fact every moment I can see that this does not benefit anybody, or myself, in any way whatsoever.

It is damaging because all I think about is me, and how I fit in. Not really seeing what is here but rather choosing to most of the time watch my reality through the filter of my mind and memories and imaginations that I lay atop of what is actually happening.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 03 Nov 2014, 22:01

Day 275

My embarrassment towards myself.

I get embarrassed. ‘This is the way it is’ I say to myself. ‘Men just don’t open up as much as women do – so it’s okay to not share anything’.

Predominant fear of being embarrassed by exposing myself to others in my JTL blogs.

Like anything I have done within myself and that I am writing about is ‘too embarrassing’, something to be laughed at and shamed.

Fear of showing other people what is actually going on inside my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in embarrassment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in embarrassment of what is inside me as my thoughts, my feeling, my emotions, my memories, and my experience of myself,

When and as I see myself going into embarrassment that stops me from participating in a certain venture or undertaking, such as writing, or in some social context – I stop and I breathe – and realise that this embarrassment that I am feeling is firstly a self-fabricated one – and secondly a lock on my potential expansion, stopping me from actually growing into myself, de-limiting myself. Thus in this moment I remind myself to make a choice –do I limit or de-limit myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat conversation of ‘this is the way it is, this is how guys are, we just don’t open as much as women do, so it’s okay not to share’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed of writing blogs about myself, and about how I function in the world in my secret head. The head inside my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear even posting one blog – even though I have posted a couple of hundred

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the ridiculousness of fearing to share my experience of myself when I have already shared quite a fear pages of writing.

When and as I see myself backchatting about why I should not do something – I stop and I breathe – Because I am seeing, realising, and understanding that I should actually do the diametric opposite of what my backchat is telling me to do – thus if I am backchatting to myself – ‘don’t do that or go there’ I should in fact Do That and Go There.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am writing out myself – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am hindering myself through doing this – and that I am actually participating in another layer of my mind that is saying ‘no no no, you must not share this’

When and as I see myself judging myself in my writing – I stop and I breathe – and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for whatever it is that came up in the moment. I forgive myself until I can stand on my own two hands within my writing, until there is not a single judgement about what I am doing.

I Will Myself to see that all I am doing for myself is the biggest favour. By not being judgemental, by not allowing myself to stop writing for me.

Not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is still actually me saying this, I am the one speaking this fearful backchat and so it stands to reason that I can stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture people laughing at me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am the one laughing at myself.

Thus I will myself to see and realise that I can use these points of where I go into a fear of other people judging me, and see that it is actually me judging me for that very same point that I fear being laughed at or shame by.

Thus the problem as well as the solution lie with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise, and understand that I am the one locking myself in to the fear of showing people what is happening inside me.

I will myself to see, to realise, and to understand that this is just a thought. Nothing more. The actual fear does not exist in reality. I will myself to see that I am just playing with myself when I do this – and hence I commit myself to stop and just move into whatever it is that is facing me in this moment.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 10 Nov 2014, 22:57

Day 276

I participate in the thought/backchat that people are secretly thinking about me, ‘they are secretly saying bad things like I am a suck-up or sycophant’.

I see that I am judging myself as doing this, as I do ‘operate’ on a ‘please to receive’ basis.

‘How dare they slur my work’ – ‘how dare they think my work is sloppy’. ‘Do they not see how they are actually sloppy themselves’.

Again I am actually judging myself and holding the hidden belief about myself – that I am sloppy – that my work is not up to standard. I then go into shame at this hidden understanding that I have and am holding about myself, I then react to other people, seeing the actions and the words that they make as being geared towards me in a negative way that highlights my secret assumptions that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that people are secretly thinking about me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘they are secretly thinking that I am trying to get positive reactions through the way I say and do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this ‘please to receive’ design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘how dare they insult my work, do they not see how bad their own work is’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I am pointing the finger at them when actually I should be turning it around on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I am sloppy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘my work is not up to standard’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself, that ‘I am not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to face the fact that I hold so little worthiness to myself.

When and as I see myself thinking and backchatting that people are secretly saying ‘bad things’ about me – I stop and I breathe – and I will myself to see and realise that this is all me. It is all my own backchat – it is all only highlighting what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as – as fear.

I will myself to see and realise that this fear of people backchatting about me is only covering up my own fear of facing my own truths of how I see myself.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get positive reactions from people around me, and that I have hidden this from myself, saying to myself – ‘no this is not what I do, I just help people, it is a good thing to be helpful’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am trying to feel good about myself through the reactions of other people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am secretly unhappy with myself, that I am sad within my existence, at my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that this is thus part of a compensation character for how I have accepted and allowed myself to feel about myself within this reality.



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Zakaria Husain
Posts: 493
Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 18 Nov 2014, 22:59

Day 277

I have noticed that within my relationships, I am trying to compensate a lot – for what I see as lack of self worth. A general belief that I am not good enough and that my life does not mean anything. I do not love myself as an existence as I am always judging myself according to my mind, according to my history,

So there is a hole within myself that I have not known about, I must also let go of the belief that ‘it is good to be nice’ which is a morality construct.

I currently live as a continuous self-judgement and comparison of myself with other people who are like me or my own age, I ‘see where they are’ and compare it to ‘where I am’ – not seeing that I am literally making myself feel shit because I do not believe that I live up to what ‘they’ are, and that I cannot live up to what they are.

‘I am destined to be a loser all my life’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am inhabiting a compensation character in most of my daily interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that ‘I am okay about myself in my reality’ – not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I am most certainly not okay with myself in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have so many hang ups about myself,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place so much into ‘how I look towards other people’ not even seeing or realising that I am actually doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that ‘I do love myself, I do, I do the things that make me happy’ – not seeing, realising, nor understanding that what I do is addictive in nature, and focused around entertaining myself as a mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief tha energy highs are all I live for, that they are the be all and end all of my existence. That I live to be happy, that I live for rushes of happiness. Not actually being okay with what is right here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pour so much energy into judging myself according to standards set out by humanity, standards that are flawed as well as not real to begin with. Not discovering for myself what it means to create my own standard of living. What do I accept and allow to be an expression of me?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see before now that I have this hole within me that I try to fill with things, with work and other addictions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I cannot even stand to be around myself and thus I move into something that will distract me from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a constant subconscious self-judgement of myself where I judge my past as all the ‘bad things I have done’. Not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I am holding onto something which is insubstantial and not actually in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a continuous comparison against other people who I deem to ‘qualify’ with me, other beings who I am apparently in competition with, competition for the best money, relationships, looks, intelligence, everything. It is like ‘anything I can compare, I will compare’.

I thus forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the fundamental point that I have been living inside a dream world – where I simply live and experience myself according to what and who is moving around me, and how I perceive them to be in relation to me, a constant comparison game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘I am destined to be a loser all my life’

When and as I see myself in a moment where I am trying to gain affection/attention/positive energy from another human being – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to see, realise, and understand that I am compensating for my lack of self attention and self-love, and thus I can start with loving myself instead, loving that I am actually alive to experience all of this reality. Thus no longer allowing myself to pour myself away into self-judgement and self-criticism – stopping this when I see it arising, instead moving myself further into myself as self-investigation – so that I may actually get to know the ins and outs of who I am, and how I have come to be in this world.

I direct myself to see that I must work with what is actually here, all the time, that I cannot allow myself to dishonour myself by being hung up on the past, past memories of past relationships and occurrences.

I will myself to give to myself the gift of being here and only here. Not accumulating past, Letting go of everything that I have believed and come to accept as being myself. Of course keeping what is good and noble about me, and disregarding everything else.

When and as I see myself looking down on myself from this angle, from the starting point of perceiving myself as being less than another – I stop and I breathe because I now will myself to stop this dreaming, and to start actual living and indeed loving myself as who and what I am already, behind what I see, believe, and judge myself to be.



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Zakaria Husain
Posts: 493
Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 05 Dec 2014, 22:05

Day 278

Getting into conflict

There is a person that I come into contact with regularly, they hold a secretarial role and is sometimes in a position where I feel they are able to ‘order me around’. I find myself being quite angry with her most of the time, and being on guard so as to prevent myself from being hurt.

I believe that I have been hurt by this person and that they have slighted me through the comments they have made in regards to something I have supposedly done or not done, the specifics are irrelevant in this case. But my reaction to this person was one of anger and a kind of self-induced pain.

I feel inadequate at having had this person say these things that were ‘negative’ about me in front of other people. But there was the one moment where this being brought in a point of substantial authority, saying that this authority has said themselves that ‘such and such is not done properly’. This was when I got really hurt, I started to see this person of authority uttering the same words in an angry tone of voice, I started to then go on the defensive. And have been resisting and creating friction with this person ever since.

Even though I can see many rational reasons why a certain task would not be done, as seeing this task as being outside my authority, I allowed all of my reasoning abilities to go out of the window, as soon as this person opened their mouth and essentially started slating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that this person whom I am ‘struggling’ with has some power over me, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am giving my power away to them, without even realising it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they are to blame for how I experience myself, that they are to blame because they are the one ordering me and others around in a demanding and condescending way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the perception/belief that I am being ordered around. I hate it when they enjoy giving me orders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being made to do things by a person who is enjoying their apparent ‘power’ over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards her for talking to me in a derogatory way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, to realise, and to understand that I am taking this person’s words personally, that I am choosing to take her words personally and reacting in anger. Allowing myself to participate within the belief that I am apparently being moved from the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they have slighted my character through their words, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am slighting myself by participating within the whole equation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am self-judging my work as ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see and understand the simple principle that I am responsible for my reaction that I have when I hear her speaking to me in a superior and controlling way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am hiding behind my own self-judgements that I hold about myself,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger and pain at having at hearing this person talk about my work, not actually seeing that I am actually holding onto and hiding a judgement about myself that what this person is saying is actually true on some level, allowing myself to refuse to see the obvious fact that my reactions are based on personal issues I have about myself. Because my reactions towards them reflect myself back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a feeling of inadequacy at hearing her speak to me ‘in this way’ in front of other people.

I forgive myself that I have then accepted and allowed myself to go into a martyr mode where I believe I am some sort of saviour/sacrificial figure for ‘going up against’ her for the greater good of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the paranoia that they might actually be speaking on behalf of a point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my response of going into a spiral of fearing and imagining that this is some sort of official ‘telling off’ or criticism.

I forgive myself for actually accepting and allowing myself to imagine this point of authority saying these words in their own voice. Utterly divorcing myself from the reality of the situation and realising that in its essence and behind their emotion what they are saying to me is just a point/suggestion that I can or cannot take on board. In this instance it was indeed something I could work with effectively, and that will indeed make my work ‘better’,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in friction creation with this person where I allow myself to purposefully ignore them and do every subtle thing I can to make them angry, such as not communicating with them or saying hello, or acting as if they are not there, ignoring them as much as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘this is my right to treat her like this because of how she has treated me’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some form of moral high ground, that I am fighting some noble war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a relinquishing of my common sense upon hearing her words about my work, and the reality of my work as what actually happened.

When and as I see myself participating within the belief that ‘I am in struggle’ with another person, I stop and I breathe. And I see, realise, and understand that I have given my self away to them, by accepting and allowing a construct of disempowerment to take the place of my self. Because here I am disempowering myself by reacting to them and believing that the reaction is justified, not seeing nor realising that I am enslaving myself to these various reactions, and allowing myself to only exist as anger, resentment, and purposeful friction.

I will myself to realise that my reaction is unjustifiable, if I take into consideration my own self, realising that I actually have a self outside of my anger towards other people saying things about me, for instance that my work is ‘not up to scratch’

I will myself to realise that it is always a choice to go into a friction mode, where I react and retaliate all the time with another whom I believe or see as slighting me.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that another person has slighted me, and I am reacting with umbrage to their words, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realise, and understand that my offence has come from within myself, and is in fact indicating a point of self-denial within what they are saying to me, otherwise why would I take offence?

I will myself to delve into exactly what it is I think about myself in regards to how I am in my work and myself generally, how do I go about doing things? Who do I choose to be moment to moment.




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