Zakaria's Blog

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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 25 Dec 2014, 20:11

Day 279

I am writing to day about a point that has come up in regards to someone whom I believe is emotionally stunting another person, whereas I am trying to make this person responsible, and the other person is trying to subconsciously make them dependant on them.

I see within this that we are actually both stunting this person, that because I think I am doing ‘what is right by them’ by forcing them to move themselves, I am actually just making them move from a point of emotion and anger. I am not actually doing what is best for them.

I fear them not becoming responsible enough to look after themselves, and so my fear is leading me to speak and do things that will ‘make’ this person be responsible. But as I have seen, it does not really work that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a belief that A is stunting B from becoming their full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in great anger at A for doing this, saying to myself ‘how can they not see what they are doing to this person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that I am doing what is best for the person, believing that forcing them to get up and do things is the correct course of action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in speaking angry commands at this person, in an effort to ‘make them better’ them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that A is trying to make B dependent upon them for everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everything A says is a justification for why B must stay the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I also take an equal share of ‘blame’ for stunting this person, as though I believe that I am doing the opposite to what this other person is doing, we are both actually fucking it up in equal measure. Because when I look at where I am starting within this, it is always from a point of fear, anxiety, and/or anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am ‘trying to make this person more responsible’ – not seeing or realising that I am doing this out of a fear for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this other being not becoming responsible enough to effectively take care of themselves.

I will myself to see that I cannot make another person responsible, that I can only really show the way by example. And thus I can see that I have not actually been doing this if I look self-honestly, as I see myself doing and saying things that do not match up with the image I am trying to enforce upon this other person.

And thus they are hearing one thing from me, and seeing a totally different thing actually happening in reality.

When and as I see myself trying to make another take responsibility for themselves, starting from a point of fear, frustration or anger, I stop and I breathe, and I realise that I am actually taking responsibility out of their hands, and placing it into my own, by not allowing the change to come from the other, not allowing them to move themselves.

Furthermore I will myself to see and correct the point of belief that I am trying to make this person/persons more responsible, when actually I am moving from within a vast web of fear, where I allow myself to fear worst possible outcomes for this person’s existence if I were not to tell them to do these basic life chores.

I will myself to when faced with a point of speaking/telling another person that they must ‘do something’ – I must sure that I also walk the talk.

And so there are a lot of things that I say but do not do myself. And so each of these points are opportunities to perfect myself within my living.



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby YoganBarrientos » 26 Dec 2014, 05:55

Hi Zakaria,
I wanted to make sure you were aware of the Ratings website, in case you would like to share your writings more easily. http://ratings.desteni.org/



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barbara
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby barbara » 08 Feb 2015, 12:39

Hi Zak!

In such situations, where one is seeing another 'stunt' a person, one can direct the moment and call out what one sees is unacceptable from the starting point of not-allowing abuse to take place, after making sure where you're coming from, as you have realized. And so, having clarified your motivation and any emotional points on your side, it is also very cool to support both to investigate what is happening in such situations, what are they accepting and allowing, and to work on solutions with them individually or together, when and as you see the moment is cool for this - meaning once the emotions have settled enough for communication/words to be heard.

Thanks for sharing, as always!



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 05 May 2015, 17:59

Day 280

In my working environments, traditionally I have always burdened myself out of fear. Fearing that if I do not live up to the responsibilities that I have agreed too, or responsibilities that have been passed to me - that if I fail, or if I see that I am failing - I do not ask for help.

I instead dupe myself into believing that I will be fired if I say 'I can't do this anymore'. Then I go into imaginings and projections of 'what will happen if I say this'. Meanwhile the situation in reality gets worse. I carry on hoping for it to get better, that something will click and I will finally understand how to deal with what has been set for me, but this never pans out in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to ask for help because of a fear that I have of being perceived by others as 'weak'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within projections of what might happen if I ask for assistance, or if I say I can no longer handle something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self judgement whereby I say to myself 'if I can't do this then I am a failure' - not allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that this self judgement of me as a failure is not actually helping me to achieve something - and that in fact nobody really knows how to do anything without going through the motions first, again, and again, and again.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I am constantly having to learn how to work with various situations, and that failure is not an issue unless I make it out to be one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from speaking the words 'I have reached a wall, I need some help, I can't seem to get past this'.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that without this simple expression I will not be able to surmount many obstacles in my life, at home, at work, or anywhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in hope, in the hope that things will just get better if I carry doing the same thing over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for help. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me asking for help, believing that they will judge me as ineffectual, as someone who is unable to stand to his promise.

Thus when and as I see that I am allowing a certain situation to continue, believing that the hardships will be overcome through sheer force of will - I stop and I breathe - because I see that not all things can be remedied by simply continuing to 'show up' - that sometimes an intervention is necessary for things to move forward for me and the people that I work with. So I see that it does not have to be about me 'not living up to the standard' but rather me having given the problem a shot, having actually tried to provide a solution - not being able to do this - and thus simply asking for help from a more experienced individual.



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barbara
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby barbara » 05 May 2015, 18:50

Awesome Zak! Sometimes allowing one's fullest potential means to ask for assistance and support, which then is a statement of and as self-support!

Cool, thanks for sharing!



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 20 Mar 2016, 20:48

Day 2 - The Good Guy Syndrome SF and SCS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect hell to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that if I do not do something correctly then I will be punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of punishment, connecting being punished to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe what my parents and teachers have told me without any sort of self investigation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a rebellion against my parents and the faith that they are a part of. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that the rebellion came from my acceptance of faith, heaven, and hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am going in the opposite direction to faith by going into eastern mystical philosophies believing that they are my ‘way out’ of my faith - not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am just using them as an excuse to believe what I want to believe, creating my own faith instead, and believing in my own heaven and hell.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that though I say to myself ‘I do not believe in hell anymore’ - I have created my own interpretation of what it means to be in hell i.e. to not be in heaven, samadhi, enlightenment, to fall into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must be a good person, not seeing, realising, or understanding that the idea of good is something that I have created in my head without any awareness of what it actually means to be ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that to be ‘good’ is to ‘do’ what is best for all life within a principle of equality and oneness. Seeing, realising, and understanding that being good in my own bubble does very little to affect the rest of existence, and in this way nothing ‘good’ can really be done.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I can live according to principles of what is best for all as the living of my ideal self where I take everything into consideration, and not just my myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect with people on basis of trying emulate goodness, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am not really living as a real person but as a fabrication of a person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that this fabrication effort takes energy and resources away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must use this fabrication of self to get through the day so that I do not offend people’s sensibilities or get into conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that the world is a jungle and that I have allowed myself to fear this jungle, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the world to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an attempt to try to protect people from being offended by me, not saying what I really want to say to them, not telling them the truth of a matter but rather lying to them because I am scared of what might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the need to protect people from being hurt emotionally, not seeing, or realising that I cannot protect people from themselves, I can only focus on who I am within myself in each moment of breath, making sure that I am operating living up to my principles, living as my ideal version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to protect people from themselves, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I cannot do this, it is not possible. Furthermore not seeing, realising, or understanding that I must live my utmost potential in each and every breath moment before I can common sensically help people in seeing and living common sense in a way that gets them to take responsibility for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I see them going through their own polarities of hard work and reward, believing them to be stupid, backchatting to myself ‘do they not know that they are stuck in a cycle?’ Not seeing, realising, or understanding how I can instead focus myself to that very polarity that I myself participate in terms of the construct of ‘hard’ work and ‘justified reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things I don’t need and eat food when I am not hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in excess because I secretly feel I have been doing a lot of hard work, or that I am shouldering big responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am shouldering big responsibilities when in fact they are just responsibilities and I am the one making them bigger than they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things bigger than they are, not seeing, realising, and understanding that the problems I face in my life, are problems of my own making, that I have made up - molehills I have made into mountains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of getting into conflict with people, connecting getting into conflict with people to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the need to not upset other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give attention to what other people think of me, instead of giving myself self attention as a genuine and real act of self caring and self compassion, as a real moment where I do something good for myself and choose to live myself instead of limit myself.

When and as I see myself as needing to rebel against my parents I stop and I breathe and I write down what it is that is bugging me in that moment that is making me need to want to rebel against them, what am I defining myself by in this moment? I will myself to forgive, let go, breath and move on through these moments.

When and as I see myself participating in a desire to seek some other state of being, some heavenly existence, I stop and I breathe and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that these states of being that I seek are not real. I will myself to understand that these are the very mind states that I must let go of to find who I am beyond imaginary mind constructs.

When and as I see myself as stepping into the Good Guy Character I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to my breathing and to the nucleus of my being and I live the understanding that this is not the ideal version of me, and as such must be done away with. I will myself to see, realise, and understand how this fabricated character is played out within myself and that it is based on fear of upsetting, fear of conflict, as fear of not being seen the way I want to be seen in the eyes of others.

I will myself to see that my fear of the world is my own fear that I have connected to it through and from past experiences. I will myself to see that these experiences and projections do not define me unless I give my permission.

I will myself to see how protecting people from their own emotions is actually me trying to protect myself from having to deal with their emotions that I take personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other people’s emotions personally, seeing, realising, and now understanding that I only ever make it personal for myself, by myself.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have big responsibilities to shoulder I stop and I breathe and I see the pattern that I am participating in, which here is ‘work and reward’, I will myself to breathe through and forgive myself for believing that my responsibilities are especially big, seeing that I have actually made them out to be bigger than they are, and how they in actual fact, just day to day responsibilities that every human being on the planet is subject to. No one can escape these fundamental responsibilities. And in fact they are nothing that needs to be escaped from, only understood, in the context of the wider picture.

I will myself to stop worrying about what other people think of me, how I am seen in the eyes of others, and I also will myself to stop making mountains out of molehills, creating problems and obstacle where there are none to be found. I will myself to when faced with an actual real problem that needs to be solved, to slow down and to breathe, and to realise and understand that problem solving need not be a difficult process.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 25 Mar 2016, 10:17

Day 3 - My Family, My Cult, My Design

I am a slave to my family, this is how I have set it up within me - everything I do, I do for family.

The use of fear as a tool to manipulate me was used extensively when growing up, whenever I would not listen to my mother for instance, when not desiring to do something like eat, pray, go to mosque, she would become visibly stressed, saying to me ‘do you want me to die?!’ This whole concept of death as emotional blackmail is somewhat amusing now, but back then it was very serious, it put me in a life or death mode. In those moments I would internally say something along the lines of ‘holy shit, she is right! Who will cook for me? Who will clothe me? I’ll die without these people around me, paying the bills, doing this and that for me - I don’t know how to do any of that for myself!’.

And so the situation now is that I am the one paying the bills, ‘being the man’...’looking after shit’...’sorting shit out’. And this is because I feel I owe them, owe them for all those years of ‘hard work’ that they ‘put in’.

Within my family structure there was also a strong tendency towards competition in immediate and mostly extended family, as children we were always being compared to each other in terms of who got the best results in their exams and studies. It was like ‘who could show off their kids the most?!’ This made me very angry when I was younger, when my parents would show disappointment in me for not standing up to another member of the family, how they would pretend like they ‘still loved me all the same’ when in fact their faces and their words were showing incredible disappointment at ‘not making the grade’ (this all happened at a time when I was not able to verbalise exactly what it was happening, and so I just became more angry). For a time I kept up, and then I gave up, seeing the other cousins surpass me is something that depressed me and made me very jealous. So this was part of my rebellion; ‘If I cannot beat them in studies, I will beat them by going completely the other way, I will be everything that they cannot be outside of religion, I will drink and smoke and do drugs and have experiences that they will not be able too’. This was my revenge clause that I stated to myself throughout the years and that I still state now when I am reminded of their now successful positions in life. I quietly utter to myself ‘but I am still better’.

So as is stands currently within my family I see myself as taking the bench on most things, I try my utmost to not become involved in their matters and am only concerned with things of a financial and practical nature. For the most part I do not really communicate with any of them on a real level and my words are all just surface level expressions, like ‘how are you? … What are you doing today?’ Never really meaning anything I say.

I see that I am very fearful for my parents now, fearing soon that they will not be able to provide for themselves, and that I will have to be some sort of sole provider. Everything within my family structure as it stands is based on fear. Everything. It is like there has never been a moment where I am not in some way fearing for the existence of my family, whether is was money fears, family interpersonal relationship fears, cultural fears, fears of not living up to the ‘standard’.

I am beginning to see and understand the extent to which fear has played developmental role in my unfolding as a being, and how this was passed down from my parents (and subsequently cycled within myself), from one generation to the next, from one family member to the next, ad nauseum.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 27 Mar 2016, 19:29

Day 3 - My Family. My Cult. My Design SF and SCS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that I must be a slave to my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must do everything for my family because they did everything for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am indebted to my family for all the things they have ‘done’ for me in terms of my existence and survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear for my parents survival while growing up, connecting my parents survival to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not listening to my mother for fear of causing her stress and her dying, connecting her dying through stress to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words ‘do you want me to die?’ With fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words ‘do you want me to die’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to do things for myself, like cook, make money, go out and buy necessities, etc. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect independence to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that not knowing something is not a permanent state, and that anything can be learnt through dedicated practice and application of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to belief that I owe them for bringing me up - that I have a debt to pay to them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I ‘must’ pay the bills and ‘look after things’, not seeing, realising, or understanding that these are simply responsibilities that everyone needs to face within the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take these responsibilities personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as competition towards and within my family structure, believing that I must show that I am better in all ways to those who are within my family as well as my world, as the I see that I have not allowed the competition to simply end at the family boundary, but that I have extended to everyone else in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at being compared to other people in my family or world by my parents. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my parents for placing me against other people, and showing disappointment when I do not pass the mark.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards my parents when I see them respond in jubilation when I have passed or exceeded their expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up the race within myself because I could see everyone else passing me, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I do not have to race for the sake of others, and that everything I do, I can do for myself, not allowing myself to be concerned with how others perceive my progress but only focusing on me and on who I am within what I do. Asking myself the question, am I doing this for others sakes? Or am I doing this for myself? To further myself and expand myself within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that I must be in a rageful rebellion against the world and all those who have surpassed me not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in a rageful rebellion against myself in the truest sense of the words, as I am fighting with my own self, setting up my own limitations and own pass marks, and bullying myself when I do not live up to the standards that I have made within myself.

Thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to set myself up to fail, because when one compares themselves to another in this sense and in this way, then failure is the only outcome, as one will always find something better in the other that makes one feel low and inferior, and eventually angry and rageful, and then one does not want to do anything that could further their own potential because ‘what’s the point?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit on the fence about most things that happen in my family because I believe it is all based on emotional nonsense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents as stupid for having participated in the dramas of life to the extent to which they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is my right to be able to abstain from family matters as long as I keep bringing in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of talking to them on any real level because I fear being dragged into their world of what is right and wrong, what is holy and unholy, what should and should not be done. Not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I can still talk to them in a real way, not just automatically - without emotionally involving myself. I forgive myself for connecting becoming emotionally involved to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of my parents not being able to look after themselves at all, connecting my parents not being able to look after themselves to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the sole provider for my family, connecting being the sole provider to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear for my family's survival, allowing myself to connect my family's survival to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of and for my family. Allowing myself to connect the whole idea of my family to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding how everything that I do within my family structure is based upon a fear of something, and that these fears are not real but also considering that they have taken much time to manifest and so will take time to walk out of breath by breath, always remaining here.


I will myself to see, realise, and understand that everything I do, I do for myself, I breathe, I write, I forgive myself. I work, I eat, I speak, I sleep. I direct myself live the realisation and understanding that I am not a slave to my family unless I allow myself to be trapped in the fear of family. Thus when and as I see myself as fearing for the sake of my family, I stop and I breathe and I see and realise and understand that This is what makes me a slave to them, a slave to the family construct.

And so I will myself to stop, forgive, and correct the fear for/of family in all its forms until it is done and finished and they are no more.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how everything can be learnt, and that I need not fear not knowing something.

When and as I see myself as faced with a new responsibility, I stop and I breathe,l and I allow myself a moment to take in this new point and see whether or not it is something that I can take on in self honesty, to not allow myself to simply take it on because ‘that is how it has always been’ but to look and assess, and then decide and act. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I say ‘no’ to some responsibility, connecting what other people think of me when I say ‘no’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to other human being either in my family or world, I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that we are all equal through substance, and that when I allow myself to go into jealousy or anger when I see that someone has ‘more’ than me, I am saying to myself that I have given myself permission to limit my horizons within this world. Because within this statement of comparison I am giving up my ability to expand myself further, allowing myself to go into the belief that I can never reach that point that this other being is at, just because I am not there right now. Hence I see and realise that within these moments I am sabotaging myself, where I could have expanded myself and begun a new process of self development..

When and as I see myself talking to my family from a starting point of automation and thinking that it would be weird to stop and take a step back and take a breath - I stop and I breathe, I will myself to see, realise, and understand that the weirdness I feel is all me, it is me being concerned with how I appear in the eyes of others and as such it is just another fear that serves to keep me inside a severely limited realm of validation.

I will myself to expose to myself the extent to which fear dominates me on a moment to moment basis, to investigate and expunge through self forgiveness, and to correct myself in the best way possible, living the best version of me that is free from fear and limitations.



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Zakaria Husain
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Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 02 Apr 2016, 14:26

Day 4 - What are you doing with all this time son?!

I could see that when my mother used to say things like ‘what are you doing with all your time? I would respond by saying something to the effect of ‘I am working, I am working hard, leave me alone, I know what I am doing’. This was all a fabrication of course, I wasn’t in fact working hard at all and I didn’t really know what I was doing.

Later in life I started down the road of business, it was a new thing for me and many interesting things were and still are happening. I was then confronted with these words in some similar form, and I again found myself becoming angry.

I would receives questions like ‘you’re spending all this time doing this, what will come of it?...Why don’t you get a more stable job?...When will you start seeing the reward’. The last one I became particularly irritable towards as I saw myself as a sort of humble hero - thinking to myself ‘I’m not in it for the money geez!’. When in actual fact I was totally in it for the money. She had again inadvertently identified my weak point, and blew off my proverbial legs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when hearing my mother say to me ‘what are you doing with all this time?’ Going into the belief that she is trying to say that I am not doing enough and that I am being lazy, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am actually stating to myself ‘I am lazy’ or ‘I am not making the most of my time’ because I can see that I am reacting to her words - and when I react to her words I am demonstrating to myself that I have taken her words personally, ergo I have revealed to myself that I think and believe that what she is saying about me is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the excuse of ‘I am working’ when in reality I am not working, but am using these words as justification for doing my own thing - allowing myself to be lost in a realm of entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am working hard, not seeing, realising, or understanding that within this statement I am giving myself permission to fulfil the other side of this polarity, which is ‘to not work hard’, and so I allow myself to cycle between these states of apparent ‘hard work’ and then ‘justified reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I know what I am doing when I say the words ‘I know what I am doing’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in offence at my mother asking me the question ‘what are you doing with all this time?’, believing that because I am now involved in business - my life has direction and meaning, and that she is completely unjustified in saying this, not seeing, realising, or understanding that in taking offence and becoming angry I am demonstrating to myself that I am not actually living these words, that I am not really having this direction and purpose in my life even though I say to myself and others that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger when I hear my mother saying to me ‘what are you doing with this time? What is coming of it? Why don't you get a more stable job?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having anything to show for all the apparent ‘hard work’ I have put in, seeing, realising, and understanding that I am not actually doing this ‘hard work’ that I say to others I am doing, and so when I hear someone ‘call me out’ I react with anger and offence because I can see that I have not been applying myself as much as I say I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am a humble hero when it comes to my work practice, that I am doing ‘all of this’ for the sake and benefit of others, to the point where I say to myself ‘I am not in it for the money’, not seeing, realising, and understanding that ‘the money’ is all I have ever been ‘in it’ for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in despair whenever my mother pushes my buttons, not seeing or realising that she is actually showing to me what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, that everything I react too, I have created and accepted as within myself, that every time I say ‘but’ there is in fact a point that I am holding onto as a definition point that I hold about myself.

When and as I see myself participating in a belief that I am justified in my reaction of anger towards somebody asking me ‘where all my time goes’ I stop and slow down and breathe and see and realise that these ideas of hard work and justified reward are a polarity that I am choosing to accept, allow, and play out in my life. I will myself to stop and forgive myself whenever I see myself thinking and participating in these patterns, and to breathe and forgive until they are no more, to actually begin to take authority over me in not allowing myself to be subject to these thoughts, feelings, emotions, and backchats that I have taken to be who I am.

Thus I will myself to investigate and live the word authority in my life, authority in taking of standing up to my mind, of investigating, of writing, of doing self forgiveness and of living my corrections in life. To really investigate all things within myself and see the why’s and how’s of who I am so that I can truly get to know myself and live myself as natural expression, and not just a programmed robot.



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Zakaria Husain
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Joined: 12 Jul 2011, 05:24

Re: Zakaria's Blog

Postby Zakaria Husain » 07 Apr 2016, 20:16

Day 5 - Nothings Happening!

When I hear these words I get angry because I am saying to myself ‘how dare my mother tell me that there are no fruits to my labor, how dare she point that out to me, does she not know how hard I am working?!’

So I take these words personally; I actually believe them myself in that I see and say to myself ‘hey, nothing is happening’. So there is the need to point out to the rest of the world ‘well actually, something IS happening, you just can’t see it!’ And so I would hide behind these words and make myself believe they are true.

I am beginning to realise that to make something happen, I actually have to do things - I have to make the move, I have to take steps and actually DO. I have always seen that within myself there is a tendency to just let things ‘go the way they want’ - not ever really offering my own direction but rather ‘going with the flow’. In this context going with the flow means, for me, hoping things will ‘move’ and ‘get better’ by themselves, through some magical outside agency. This isn’t how it works.

And so when I hear these words coming from another person towards me, I get angry at them, and I get angry at myself for not doing the things I know I need to do - but rather just sitting and waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger when I hear my mother asking me ‘what have you got to show for it?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I ‘need something to show’ for what I have been doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that in life I need to ‘have something’ to prove that my life is ‘worth something’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that life needs to be defined according to ‘things that I have’ like money, status, and influence.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that this idea that I need something outside of myself to give my life purpose is a fabrication of mind that separates me from myself and from existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it comes to the agreement that I must have these ‘things’ to make me ‘whole’, not seeing, realising, or understanding how my participation in this construct stops me from living my natural expression and living on behalf of myself instead of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self judgement of myself whereby I say to myself that I am unworthy and incapable because ‘nothing is moving’ in my business.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am not even really taking the necessary steps to get things moving within my business, I can see that I have not pushed myself one hundred percent in making my business a success, so I can see that obviously things will not move if i do not move them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I actually have to do things to make things happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just let things go the way they will, without once considering that I am not being the directive principle behind the choices in my life, rather just apparently letting life ‘choose’ for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going with the flow is good - not seeing, realising, nor understanding that in this context going with the flow means to me ‘not doing anything’, just sitting and waiting for things to happen, waiting for other people to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that my life will just move along by itself and that all the situations I experience will be resolved by themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a hope that my life will somehow sort itself out without me having to Do anything.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when somebody points out the truth of my situation in that ‘nothing is happening’ in my life, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is only so - because I have allowed it to be so - through not moving myself.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself that I need ‘something’ outside of me to grant me wholeness and ‘peace of mind’ I stop and I breathe, I will myself to slow down, to look, and to realise that I do not need anything outside of myself to give me purpose or direction in my life, breathing and living my forgiveness into reality in each moment, redefining and living the words self responsibility and authority in each moment creating a trustworthy, responsible human being that is worthy of living on earth, this is my directive

When and as I see myself as going into a despair at what is happening within my business and my life - I stop and I breathe - I will myself to take it slow and to define exactly what it is my steps should be in regard to a point, so for instance getting leads - I can write down the steps I know are necessary to get the ball moving, and it is then simply a case of following them, creating more steps, and seeing where each step goes. Seeing each step fulfilled and moving onto the next, creating movement within myself and thus my life.




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