Christophe's Writings

Christophe De Groote
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Joined: 18 Jun 2011, 18:52

Christophe's Writings

Postby Christophe De Groote » 20 Nov 2012, 00:05

As suggested by my buddy, I am writing myself on the forum. As I decided, I'm writing myself on this forum for a moment before starting again to write on my blog, as the example which I stand as is an example of shame more than anything else.

First of all, I would like to say that it's been four years that I'm following the Desteni Process but that I don't really fully walk it. At this very moment, I feel depressed, which is the face that I've shown of myself the most to the world and this community. I'm ashamed of myself. And I'm afraid at the same time that I won't walk this process fully, that I will fail once again. It's an habit. But when I look inside myself, I see as well me as how I would like to be : I would like to present a pleasant face to one specific being, to present myself "as if" I'm someone determined, which I'm not at this very moment as a full proof.

I think a lot about what people will think about me, and that's the reason why I can't write on my blog at this very moment. I want to reach a stability point first. I'm afraid about everything people will think about me. That after all these years, I'm still at the exact same point with the exact same me. It becomes more and more difficult to stand up, when I see all the words I've already written. It's like I've used all the reasons possible to justify how I fell and how I got back on my knees, all the things to excuse myself for doing what I did, and that soon there will be nothing left to say anymore. And I seriously think about giving up process. I think this is my last chance, that after that very moment now, if I fall, I just couldn't stand up again. And I am afraid of that because process is the only way I can be someone. Because the me that I am right now is too dysfonctional to even be able to function with other people in this reality.

I really would like to delete those lines. But if I delete them, there's really no way I can save myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use 'her' as a way to go away from myself, to forget about myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be really afraid about what all the Destonians will think about me coming back into process, imagining in my mind that anyway I will fall again so: why come back here?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see all I am at this very moment through the eyes of the Destonians, Bernard and other people in this world, instead of accepting myself to stand all alone by my own in self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for whining and complaining continuously instead of allowing myself to once and for all change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to write myself as a way to ask people for forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to really forgive myself and let go of my past once and for all through stopping to continue existing as it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to long to be different, to be someone else, to be someone determined because I want to seduce someone I care about much.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want a quick fix to the issues myself with a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become impatient about being in an agreement or relationship with someone, to be impatient with myself not standing my stability and wanting immediately to manifest it now for the reason that I've never been for once in my life in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ideas of relationships.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my fear of showing myself as all the deception I am at this very moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to regret that I'm not more expressive, that I'm still so limited in my expression with fears that I allow existing within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be limited by all sorts of fears, especially at this very moment by the fear to show myself to others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to not in fact being able to change and to fear to spend my whole life looking for what I want within another - such as expressivity - instead of finding it within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so addicted to relationship because I want, I desire, I crave for expressivity, for being free from the constraints that I impose to myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my fears and to fear to remain imprisonned within the mechanical me I am now in my actions and interactions with people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear remaining for the rest of my life a robotic me that responds to his environment always in the same way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that a robot is all I will ever be.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, everytime I discovered a part of me that was not of the robot me that I know so well, sabotage myself again and thus condemn myself to remain a robot for the remainder of my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to find process so difficult now that I just want to give it up completely.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that no self-forgiveness sentence can save me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot save myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that all I'm writing right now would be pointless as I would anyway fall again soon.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will fall again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see pictures at this very moment of places that I visited recently, of walks I had everytime I sabotaged myself within process - and to feel like in a prison, that this town and this apartment are a prison, that as long as I am here I would not be able to free myself from the mind and get to a point of self-expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to so deeply crave for self-expression without really allowing myself to attain it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to crave for self-expression, to fall in love and become completely obsessed when I come across a being enjoying herself and being all "natural" with other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall in love with beings to possess their self-expression instead of gifting myself with the opportunity to get to know my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want self-expression right now, comfortability in my relationships right now, to 'dare' to exist and express right now - and to refuse to walk process because it would mean that I would have to 'wait' and 'wait' ONCE AGAIN to get to something closer to it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be patient because I believe that I've lost too much time already in my life and that I'm at a time where it becomes just impossible to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to so much be "natural" and comfortable with other people without really gifting myself with the time to get to that point of comfortability.



Christophe De Groote
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Christophe De Groote » 20 Nov 2012, 00:12

I know this is rather messy. I will focus on more specific points tomorrow. I'm not really done neither with the relationship point, even though I see how much I use it to cover my deception.

I commit myself to at least write 1 post each three days minimum on this forum. If you don't find them, you'll know that I'm dead to process.



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Anna
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Anna » 20 Nov 2012, 00:36

Hi Christophe.
And I seriously think about giving up process. I think this is my last chance, that after that very moment now, if I fall, I just couldn't stand up again
I've experienced this as well, extensively so. And something that has assisted me to keep walking is the understanding that no matter what happens we can't get away from ourselves or from facing ourselves. So within seeing this it is also to consider that the only thing that "process" means from this perspective is you directing yourself to face you, change you and stand up in self-responsibility. "Not process" is thus also simply the point of deliberately not facing self. Where ever we are, dead or alive, we can't hide from ourselves. So to say that there's a last chance is actually the same as saying that there's a 'way out' of facing oneself. Because in the end - that is what it means. So what assisted me greatly to start walking myself out of this experience was to stop victimizing myself in back chat and to see, realize and understand that all of this; the depression, the self-judgment, the self-hate, the apathy, how I perceived and defined 'process' was ALL something I was doing to myself deliberately to not have to face myself and take self-responsibility. It is as simple as that. Therefore what assisted me was to focus on the basics: writing my blog, exactly as you're doing now and then start stopping participating in this backchat and stop believing this backchat to be 'viable' information. Thus - walking process is walking-with you here, whatever is here as you and whatever you've accepted yourself as here, nothing more nothing less.



Marlen
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Marlen » 20 Nov 2012, 01:19

Hi Christo

Yep, cool points Anna - stopping victimizing ourselves and I realize how 'hard' it can get when we allow something to just accumulate and believe that 'we're done' with that - however that's the entire point of Self Forgiveness, realizing that yes, there are points that cannot be corrected since we were fully aware of what we were doing, and as such can only focus on what we do from the moment we decide to stand up.

Another point to consider is that there is no one that can judge you for your own process, but yourself. And that's also an aspect you are here to self forgive so that there is no guilt or further expectations existent within you for walking process in self support again. That's your decision alone, the commitment is thus toward you only, that's what process is about: individuals standing up for themselves as Self Support - we are here and we support each other because that supports more people, however it is not a commitment we do toward others in terms of Why we walk process or creating even a deadline for ourselves to do so - that would be again doing it for others instead of ourselves.

So, my suggestion: don't be hard on yourself, rather create a new starting point for you, self forgive all the past ensuring that no blame, guilt or remorse is deciding for you and as such, focus on what you can practically work within yourself from here on.
I commit myself to at least write 1 post each three days minimum on this forum. If you don't find them, you'll know that I'm dead to process.
Cool that you make these commitments, however I suggest that you instead simply make it a point for yourself to be self-honest about your participation, which means not Conditioning it to time frames or if/then assumptions as that would create only a lock for yourself in case you simply fall on that and then believe that you had Already written out you would be 'dead' in process if you don't write one post each three days. I would actually suggest that you push yourself to write daily, for yourself - whether you post it or not that's at your discretion - this is also to step beyond to your self imposed timeframes as limitations, rather push yourself to integrate it as part of your day to day living and realize that you already are someone, there is no attainment of self as something 'more' through this process which is what I suggest you remind yourself of, otherwise that lack of self-worth is what is causing this entire point, because you are still defining you in contrast to whatever you consider of worth/ value as in 'being someone' - you are already pretty much a physical body that is quite aware of what this process is about, so, it's a matter of taking the wheel and actually drive this time.

This is for you as yourself and sharing it here is just an extension of self support- not 'for the forum' but for yourself. So, make the best of it in every breath.

Thanks for sharing.



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Anna
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Anna » 20 Nov 2012, 11:48

you already are someone, there is no attainment of self as something 'more' through this process which is what I suggest you remind yourself of, otherwise that lack of self-worth is what is causing this entire point, because you are still defining you in contrast to whatever you consider of worth/ value as in 'being someone' - you are already pretty much a physical body that is quite aware of what this process is about, so, it's a matter of taking the wheel and actually drive this time.
Yes lol cool Marlen!

Another point I've also found Christophe is effective when one is 'hitting rock bottom' so to speak, is to speak common sense to oneself. So I'd basically lay it all out before myself, usually taking a walk because that assists to when I simply did not know what else to do. So I'd speak: "Okay I hate myself, I hate everything, I might as well give up, everyone hates me..." - all the shit that was in inside me, I'd speak out. And then I'd ask myself: "what is common sense here?" What DO I understand?" And then I'd bring the points down to earth meaning explain process for myself here as I understand it: "We are in this world, this is what we've done, this is where I am now, this is how I see things". And so as I spoke to myself I eventually started seeing how ridiculous my experience was and now it in fact was nothing but self-manipulation to not have to face myself and take self-responsibility. Because I understood that everyone is equal - so that means that I am equal too and that my idea of being SOOO much worse than everyone else can't be real. So that's what I'd suggest that you do too, is to bring yourself back to the basics of what we're doing here. Because what I also have done is that I've created this entire alternate interpretation of 'process' in my mind, believing that I was in fact looking at the reality of what process is and thus who I am in relation to that - but it was one big total self-deception where I was using self-diminishment to slip out the backdoor and not have to stand up. So bringing your understanding of everything down to earth can assist greatly in grounding yourself here.



Adam Closs
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Adam Closs » 20 Nov 2012, 15:43

Cool support - thanks Anna and Marlen

and thanks Christophe for sharing this, because it's like I can look at your self-forgiveness statements and see myself in these and how I could be living myself as and in these points that you have listed, and also be in a relationship towards these points of wanting to forgive myself because I can see clearly how unsupportive of myself they are, but because they remain as charged with energy I find it difficult to enter into the realisation and facing who I am AS energy within these points which I realise now is how the self-forgiveness is to be walked effectively. Like just to go into one point for an example:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot save myself.
then from here to look at who am I within and AS, 'I cannot save myself'?'



Christophe De Groote
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Christophe De Groote » 21 Nov 2012, 22:52

Thank you all very much for your support.

The moment I wrote that I was completely desperate and really drawn to this relationship that I wanted to manifest. Yes, I realize of course that I cannot escape from myself and that I will always be with myself - and I should certainly accept it: that I am here anyway. It's also that I wanted to be someone specific for her, and everytime I hoped for this relationship and tried - in a way - to manifest it, the conflicts inside me became bigger and bigger. Even if I 'wanted' to walk this process, I was at the same time seduced by an opportunity for a relationship, all at the cost of myself. I never stopped to go one way then the other, walking one step to step back after.

In my writings as well on my blog: I made my blog private because I couldn't stand that the eyes of the world would be all on me, like if I just couldn't "fail" once more, allow myself to present this "exact same me" that was "not living his words". The pressure was just too much. And I couldn't look at the points inside me with clarity, but always carrying all these judgments upon me, because I saw myself as just not being able and not even wanting to walk process. I was so busy in my mind that I never gave myself the opportunity to REALLY write EVERYTHING down, and this: unconditionally - not keeping on my knowledge but writing everything with straight lines.

So yesterday and the day before that I wrote myself, exposed to myself what I felt for that girl, alone. And in allowing myself to do it for real, I saw solutions to my problem, I started to see some why's and how's I came to be attracted to her or other girls. I opened the point, and even though there's a remnant of attraction inside me, some energy that's still of this desire for a relation inside me, I now feel able to walk that point, I have more confidence in me, I just can see that there's a way out. And this 'love' that I experience is actually starting to become irrelevant, it's fading away.

So I make the self-commitment to write myself every day I can, this time remaining focussed on myself alone and exploring in absolute details what is going on inside myself to find my own best solutions to stop.




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viktor
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Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby viktor » 22 Nov 2012, 22:32

Cool Christophe,

I can relate to your experience – this point of feeling completely lost, and drowned in my own experience and there seemingly not beeing a way out; yet the fascinating point that I've realized is that there is ALWAYS a way out – and that this way out is so simple that it boggles the mind (maybe that's why we tend to forget when we're facing some deep shit) – because in essence the point to apply that will assist self to sort out all of these experiences is simply writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements – and then walking the correction within and as breath; I mean – that's how simple it is.

So, now when I face difficult, and intense experiences – I go to the solution as fast as possible and if I have a moment for myself, I apply self-forgiveness on the point immediately – because I know that I don't have to remain in this emotional turmoil as the solution is HERE – I simply have to give it to myself.



Christophe De Groote
Posts: 24
Joined: 18 Jun 2011, 18:52

Re: Christophe's Writings

Postby Christophe De Groote » 25 Nov 2012, 12:56

Thanks for the support Viktor.

There is indeed always a solution, it is just to find the way to it.

What I noticed as well is that I have a tendency to bring all my "problems" back to me - seeing shit everywhere - and within this I feel that I'm losing touch with everything, that there's really nothing I can do about it. Where instead of making this move to stop myself and find solutions, I let the mind drown me completely. Though I realize now that I can only walk one point at a time, taking "all the time in the world" to stop that one point and bringing it to a solution, before considering working with another one. Because when I know I gave my everything to stop it, I'm more confident to face more after.




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