Writings

Ellie

Writings

Postby Ellie » 09 Jul 2015, 10:36

I was laying on the couch when this feeling of worthless came up. This feeling of worthless came up to the thoughts ''I cannot amounts to much'', ''I I can't get a job '', and other thoughts like these. These thoughts are disempowering. These thoughts are playing victim to circumstance.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these thoughts about me being unable to express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot amount to much

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to play the victim with the thought why does the world have to be this way''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ''I cannot get the job''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself by playing the victim of circumstance



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AnthonyF
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Re: Writings

Postby AnthonyF » 09 Jul 2015, 11:00

Cool Ellie, thanks for sharing!



Ellie

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 11 Jul 2015, 06:55

I was heading out today for an interview. I do not have a car so I use public transport. I could see there was someone at the bus stop and I had an urge to say hello, and have a conversation. That statement 'Live everyday like it's your last''.. Why not just talk to someone and have a conversation with another. I said hello but I did not proceed into a conversation. It was fairly cold sitting under the bus cover so i moved into the morning sunlight.

There were a group of people coming down the street ahead of me. I tried to categorize each one into relationships. Creating assumptions about which one of them is paired in a relationship. It didn't really matter if they were in a relationship or not. I just did not want to see the girl alone. I assumed the man next to her was her husband.

On the other side of the road there was a father and his two children. They were walking to the bus stop. We awaited for the bus and I could not help but hear what he was sharing. He was talking about going to Switzerland for work. I thought ''how cool''. I thought it was good to be able to go to work overseas. I started to think about what it was he does in his work. The bus arrived and he ushered me to go first. I do not really let people usher me to go first, and I tell them to go first instead.

We all got on the bus. On the bus I was looking out the window at my community. I had this real care for it coming up. A want to do something for my community and the people init. In the community I get used to seeing people who I've seen before. This is where I start to care. Seeing the people that I see and know some of. I liked this.

I arrived at my destination. I met with a girl who studies her master's in psychology. She wanted to show me the room that she has available. We talked for about an hour about the mind and behaviour. It was cool. Coming home i got online and looked up online to get involved in the community.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the girl was partnered with the guy next to her.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the guy next to her was her partner to not want to see her lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ''that's cool wish I had that guys job''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous about the guy having a job that allows him to go overseas

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want that guys job to see different parts of the world.



Ellie

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 12 Jul 2015, 09:28

Last night I was going through the websites looking at what is happening in the world. Reading articles, I came across words I did not have a definition for. I did not have a definition for words like globalisation, federalism etc. I've seen the words before. Just did not have a definition for them. I would see these words in the news articles. i'd have to search the definition for these words. If I was going to understand my world through news articles, i'd have to understand the words. When I would not understand a word, i'd look at how little I know, and how much I need to understand. I'd feel a tiredness over come me. Thoughts like, ''I want to rest'', ''This is going to take forever'', ''I cannot do this'', ''I do not want to do this'', ''I just want to enjoy life'', ''I don't want to have to think'', ''I need a break''. and then went to lay on the couch to watch a movie where I did not have to think.


my excuses to not look up the problems of my world was ''Look what I've been through'',''I just need a break''. Taking my circumstances, and what I've been through to say ''Because of this, I cannot take interest in what is happening, and deserve to just participate in entertain because I do not have to see what is happening, what is going on, and educate myself.

I've realized what I participate in determines a lot of the rest of my life.
I've realized what I spend time in doing will determine my movement, and where I go in life.
I've realized that I do create my life in movement and what I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when I see how much I need to understand about the world in words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired when I see how little I know about my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how much I do not know and want to go lay down to participate in entertainment so I do not have to think about everything I need to know, and what I will know the more I start understanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse ''I just need a break'' to limit me getting to know what is happening in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my circumstances and my past hold me back/stop me from getting to know about my world and what is happening in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to making excuses for my circumstances stopping me from getting to know/educating myself about what is happening in my world/whats going on in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the tiredness of how much I am needing to understand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to using tiredness as an excuse to not participate in getting to know the problems of the world to find solutions for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it does not matter my circumstances, for they do not define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ''look what i've been through'' and want to use the past as an excuse to not keep moveing to know the problems of the world to question them and find solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go ahead and give up on educating myself to just exist and participate in entertainment like most of reality, saying 'I just want to enjoy my life''.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ''This is going to take forever'' when I'd rather put my effort and time into finding out about my world then just live life existing, and doing nothing to make a change for it/init

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'I don't want to do this'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to educate myself because of how shit the world is when it is important to just educate oneself so I can see how shit the world is right now, and question for solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot do this because of how long it will take me to really understand when what I participate in determines my movement, and my future.



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YoganBarrientos
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Joined: 03 Sep 2011, 23:19
Location: Miami, Florida

Re: Writings

Postby YoganBarrientos » 13 Jul 2015, 04:45

Hey Ellie,
I can relate to your self-forgiveness. I am sure many others can relate to them as well.
Thanks for sharing!



Ellie

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 16 Jul 2015, 04:37

Hi, thanks Yogan.



Ellie

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 16 Jul 2015, 06:40

Time management

My day today was spent lounging around. I got really involved into what I was doing online. I was writing emails, expressing, and sharing myself. I did this from 10:30 to 2:36. I'd like to change that about me. Where I can do more with the time I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend the day reacting when I know I have to stop reacting and continue with application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ''there's something wrong with me'' when I know that I can change this point about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ''I'm such a bad person'' for spending too long on the computer

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get out of the reaction and do something different to support myself from being init for long periods of time.

More to investigate



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Kristina
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Re: Writings

Postby Kristina » 23 Jul 2015, 04:56

Hey Ellie!

Very cool points you are starting to open up and consider changing about yourself. I can also relate to the tiredness point in relation to getting to know about our world or making decisions about how to spend time off at home. I do also realize that 'tiredness' is a form of a resistance, and often indicating a defense of the mind. So consider it a gift, that tiredness, where if we're able to push through, we are empowering ourselves to direct ourselves within what we do during our day, rather than this experience directing us. Especially in relation to getting to know about the world - so many people are dis-empowered because they choose entertainment over learning and understanding about the world we have here; the problems and so the solutions. So very cool you are taking a look at this experience, and that you are willing to investigate and change it!



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viktor
Posts: 1339
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Writings

Postby viktor » 28 Jul 2015, 22:10

Cool writings Ellie,

I find it interesting to see how much we think throughout a day, on things that doesn't really matter. So, cool stories that you shared, I could relate to them.



Ellie

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 17 Dec 2015, 06:32

A teenage girl has come to live with us. She did not like where she was living on account of abuse at home. It has been a good change for her to come live with people who do not restrict her from socializing, This brings me to the event last night. The 4 of us were at the dinner table when we saw car lights coming into the drive way. It turned out to be one of the parents. The 3 of them got up and I followed them out there. I did not know what was going to happen, and felt a little nerved about the situation.
I watched in observing the words, and behaviour of the interaction between the mother and daughter saying their goodbyes. I felt some anger as I watched the mother saying her farewells.

The mother choose to cut the daughter out of her life just because she has decided to move closer into town where she can have some freedom. At that point I could see that people allow their emotions to get in the way of everything. The situation could have gone very differently if we didn't allow our emotions to get the better of us. How it could have went is the parents realizing that the benefits for their daughters choice to move away..

We went back inside to talk about what happened. People's emotions were running high, and it just didn't seem the right moment to talk much of the events to what happened. I was encouraged to give my opinion in how I was feeling, and what I saw in the interaction. I was half way through speaking about it when I was interrupted by the person next to me. The person's voice tone has reached a level where I felt unsteady for a moment. I fell quiet, and became slightly annoyed, and felt immediate dislike. I kept listening to what they were saying. The conversation turned into gossiping of how bad the mother's behaviour was. When it came my turn to speak again, I decided to just distinguish myself from what was going on.

The more they spoke about how much they disliked the person the more they became angrier. The fueling of the dislike for the situation defeated the whole point of being there for the Teenage girl.

Later that night I went into look at why I reacted the way I did when a person raised their tone slightly. My perception was that the person had wanted to shut down what I was going to say. I took this personally, and felt that I was not being heard in the matter. That my opinion did not matter, and that person's did. Distinguishing myself from the conflict was best there.

After the events I decided to focus on what I am really here for. The point of me being here is not about having a family. It's about assisting/supporting where I can. This bit of conflict allowed for me to knock myself out of that daze where ''Everything is great and fantastic'. That is normally how the relationships would be like with my housemates. However, it's not always great and fantastic in relationships. There is bound to be small amounts of conflict that are going to arise here and there. It's just about being honest in the relationships. I came to realize that everyone is learning how to be the best they can be in relationships. Hardly anyone I have met know's really how to be an absolute perfect human being, or person. Certainly at school there is no focus on ''How to be effective in relationships'', ''How to resolve conflict in relationships''... there was none at my school. I was even seeing how in myself, I still do not know how to be ''This effective human being''. Honesty is a key in relationships, and how we treat one another. I've decided to question before I say something, question before I speak, and this is because I really do not want to speak without thinking or considering the consequences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to involve myself in blaming the mother as everyone else was speaking, and talking about her

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that the person deliberately raised their voice to shut down what i was going to say in my opinion

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person's behaviour indicated that he had taken my words personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was not heard in that situation when I did not really need to involve myself

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in conflictual moments to 'Get up and walk away in conflictual moments

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to leave where I am because of what happened

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about not getting to give my opinion on the events that happened

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Person A's words have more value then my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that it's all about changing the steps I had taken for the way of how it all played out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to steer this girl in a direction of my choosing when if she wants my insights, and perspectives then she can just come to me personally to talk about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have my words be more influential then Person A's words

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fight with Person A, and Person B over whose words will comfort this girl the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to call it quits from comforting this girl because I did not get to have my say to what will comfort this girl in that time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that talking about how bad her mother is will help comfort this girl

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in communication and giving assistance/support that it has to be on mutual grounds where both individuals are feeling comfortable with the communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself in the process of this event last night

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing them again after wanting to distinguish myself from the conflict and gossiping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus too much attention on ''trying to have effective relationships'', and forgetting what I have to do for myself.




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