Writings

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Kristina
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Re: Writings

Postby Kristina » 24 Dec 2015, 06:07

Cool introspection and self-forgiveness, Ellie!



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Ellie
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Joined: 03 Jul 2015, 13:20

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 27 Dec 2015, 08:16

I decide to go onto a website to meet people. This website is a dating site that you can hook-up with people, and go on dates with. What I have been seeing in myself is that point where, I start to judge people by their appearance, and determine my favourite based on their appearance. I did this last night as I was speaking with one person, and another person. It was one that defined as attractive and the other I defined as unattractive. Both live in my city, and are willing to go on dates with me. However, based on appearance I have liked one over the other, and has made me want to choose the one I have defined attractive over the other person. I don't like this about myself.

I don't like this about myself because it doesn't look at who the person actually is in their words. It doesn't give a person that also equalness, and how i have label that person as being ''unattractive'' has made me treat them differently then I did the one I labeled attractive. This is the classic case of what we do in society. Base most people on appearance. I don't think selection of partnership or dating should be solely about appearance. My opinion. I think it should be about who the person is in their words, thoughts, deeds, and seeing if both are compatible to work with each other. Not about appearance.

Another point to add to this one is selecting people that I label attractive just to show off to my friends. I feared that the person I show who I labeled Unattractive would not please my friends, and so preferred the one who I labelled attractive to show off to my friends. Determining who I date should not be about showing off to friends, or picking someone who will fit in with my friends. The choice should be from a starting-point of assisting/supporting both individuals.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label one person as being unattractive and not want to speak to that person as much as I did the other who I labelled attractive

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pick who I go on dates with because of how they look/appear when I can talk to then through message to find out more about them, and decide then.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to pick someone who will stun my friends to make them think I am so cool for having someone who I think will think that person Is attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label one person unattractive and decide to treat them different under that label

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that each person is different in their own image and likeness as their physical bodies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to really pay attention to who the person is as their words when they speak to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that selecting someone just because of how they look is not a great starting-point for choosing to go on a date with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to show off my date to my friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about showing my date off to my friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about how my friends will react to my date if they were to see Person V physically

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make selection of who I go on a date with to please my friends and not myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label someone unattractive when each person is different in their own image and likeness of their physical appearance.



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Ellie
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Joined: 03 Jul 2015, 13:20

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 29 Dec 2015, 00:39

Over the Christmas holiday I did not follow routine. On normal days I would have a routine set out for my daily tasks. The hours would be different, and I'd get everything I needed done in the one day. When Christmas holidays came around and family came to visit is when it was hard to keep the routine going. We spent the days eating food, watching movies, trying to make conversations, and buy presents. For me, I found it hard to adjust because I did not have routine. I started to worry about the future, and hopeful that this Christmas period would end so that the gyms could open back up. When it came to spending money on presents, I did not enjoy this. I didn't have much money to begin with, and the money is suppose to be for myself, but surpassed and bought presents because ''What would I want on Christmas day''. Now that Christmas is over, I have to condition myself back into routine. I've struggled with this a lot. The main point I've struggled with is sitting myself down to study. The time I do sit myself down to study I want to 'leap, run, go to gym, go for walk, go socialize, but doing that is not having a balance of studies.

My study load is very big. I took on too much studies, and have fallen behind. I intend on catching up in my studies, and this just takes sitting down and doing it. Self-discipline. What I see that comes up in me when I think about my studies is ''I've fallen behind'', ''I'm a failure'', ''I'm going to fail'', and with that is the anxiety, the stress, the worry, and the physical effects of that anxiety, worry, and stress. All this accumulated makes me feel rushed, and then in that time I want to say 'alright I quit' and go for a long walk.

I start walking but then I know that I have to return back to my studies. I have to make money, and I want to complete these studies. The walk helps me to clear my head so that I can return back to my studies knowing that I have to do them, and want to do them. Just getting back to that routine now that Christmas has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed out about the study load I have to complete by a set date

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the Christmas holidays

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the gym being closed on account of Christmas Holidays

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about having bought presents for people for Christmas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'out of wack' during the Christmas holidays

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed out about the study load that I have to complete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my study load and go ''I'm never going to complete this''

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that doing my studies can be something physical

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe in that time that I am studying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make studies just to be about taking in the information

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to really become interested in what I am studying, what it is about, and using effective methods to help in my study process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Christmas holidays for me falling behind in my studies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that Christmas is about spending time with family, friends, all the people that are close to me, and eating lots of food.

When and as I see myself stressing out about my study load - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I still have time to complete my studies - I say to myself -- I am in no rush, and I push myself to do my studies until I have completed a study task.



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Ellie
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Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 30 Dec 2015, 10:26

There is someone that I have in my life but not in my immediate environment. How I see this person is really just being in my life to give me what I want, and be done with that person. We no more need to communicate after I get what I want. As I communicate more to this person I start to see that it's not healthy for me to just use people to get what I want.

Having this person in my life only to get what I want has made me careless to how I treat the person. Although my behaviour is not absolutely severe, I think this person knows how they do not want to be treated. Therefore, my behaviour gets in the way of me getting what it is that I want. If I change my behaviour towards the person, and treat that person how I want to be treated, then it makes it a better experience for both.

What comes out when I speak to this person is an impatience. I get impatient with the person. I want things to move much faster but the other person has a life that they lead too, and so I have to work on being patient. Sometimes it is hard because I do not see how difficult it would be for someone to do what needs to be done. What needs to be done seems like a very quick and simple process that doesn't seem all that difficult. However, it seems hard, and difficult for this person. Either and or, what I have to change about myself is the impatience point. I've never actually experienced the impatience point with any person in my immediate environment or in any other event in my immediate environment. I am very much a patient person, but with this person, and because of the whole point, I find myself getting impatient.

The impatience would cause me to go on miniature rants about the situation. I'd try rush the person, I'd want the person to move faster, and then with this being impatient, I think the person notices and I do not get anywhere. The impatience kind of shows some anger point too, and shows how little I understand the situation. Though the person notices, and I still need to calm myself down to be patient with the person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on miniature rants about the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with this person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this person has a life too so the situation process might take a bit longer as the time has to suit that person too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush the person

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the words before I say them to this person

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be kind to this person

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give what I would like to receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated at this person for not seeing 'how simple it is to solve the situation'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see this person of any value other than just getting what I want out of them and not have to deal with the person anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the person by just asking normal questions about their day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand who I could be with this person and how effective it would make the process go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not found ways where I can form this trust with the person so that I am not always distrusting this person

When and as I see myself writing out of impatience - I stop and I breathe - I realize that there are other ways that I can structure my words that do not show this impatience or rushing of other person, and so I slow myself down where I can restructure, redo my writings, where they're not showing this impatience, but revealing how I would want to be treated, how I would like to be responded to, and how I would like to be approached.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with this whole situation - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I can form this trust with this person using communication.

When and as I see myself making assumptions about this person - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I do not actually know if these assumptions are fact. If I want the facts I will have to go to this person, and ask for the facts.

When and as I see myself thinking about 'what this person is doing' - I stop and I breathe - I realize that my thoughts to this question will only be assumptions. Given that I do not live near this person I'll only know if I am to ask this person.



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Ellie
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Joined: 03 Jul 2015, 13:20

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 28 Apr 2016, 05:55

A conversation I had with someone today made me realize how many people who are into the same-sex live in fear of not being accepted. The conversation I had was with a young person. I sat there listening to what this individual had to say about her friend who is struggling with a fear of acceptance by their family. I did not just gain insight to how this one individual see's her world, but I had a lot to ponder about from the conversation. I went for a walk after we were done talking about it. I did have some reactions to our conversation that I went to reflect on. I reflected as I went for a walk on the labels that are constantly used for people who do like the same-sex. I did see myself just wanting these labels to disappear for one moment so I could get to the common sense.

My realizations were that people who like the same-sex or want to dress the way they want to should not exist in fear. I did not see that the 'rest of the world is against people' I viewed as if we just stopped the inner-conflict within ourselves as fear of not being accepted, lived humbly with no fear then we would not be afraid to walk hand in hand with a person in public who is of the same-sex. It is really about this inner-battle of fears of not being accepted that can harm the physical expression with another individual. So, it is not about people being of the most common relationships as man and women being against those who choose to be with same-sex - it is not about that. If an individual did not have fear about not being accepted and another person did not accept that person for that one point - Then it only reveals who that person who did not accept another really is, and only defined that person by their choice sexuality. That is a limited view. If a person fears not being accepted then it is likely that they will hide, and suppress who they really want to be just to 'fit in' or be what others want them to be. Doing that is not beneficial for that individual, and not others as it leads people into unhealthy relationships.


So, it really does start with clearing out all the fears of 1. not being accepted.

Why I talk so openly about this topic is a I live in a household where there are individuals who are in same-sex relationship. I have friends who like the same-sex, and seeing people go through these inner-battles with themselves is very unsettling, and on a personal note it is not something a person should have to go through even if into the opposite sex. Just through-out my observations and seeing statistics it is more prominent in people who like the same-sex in a partnership way.


When it comes to partnership if you want to be with someone and both are consenting to the partnership that it is what it should be about. We can all relate to wanting to be with someone who you care about and who you want to be with - so-long as both are happy with the choice. Does two people wanting to be together who care and love each other harm anyone? No.. Is it beneficial ... in this system yes... Joint incomes.. More opportunities to assist/support each other. With common sense two people being together is healthy... unless it is abusive.. then it is not healthy.. So whether person is with same-sex or with opposite sex we can all relate to wanting to be with someone we care about and want to assist/support in/as partnership.

So, it is all about working on ourselves to change what is not beneficial or best for all. Saying that ''You must go with opposite sex'' that is not beneficial quite frequently you're going to get more of resistance, and end up having your son, your daughter, or your friend push you away. an individual being fearful of not being accepted is not beneficial and end up choosing things that you're not going to be satisfied with.

My self-forgiveness statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed about the use of labels for people who want to wear what they want to wear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the use of labels to define other people who like same-sex.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the importance of releasing these words from any type of stigma, judgments, or beliefs that I have attached to the labels used so that I am not looking at people through these stigmas, judgments and beliefs.



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Ellie
Posts: 16
Joined: 03 Jul 2015, 13:20

Re: Writings

Postby Ellie » 03 May 2016, 12:21

I do not yet have my license so I walk to where I have to go. When I walk I spend so much time over-thinking what is going on in my life. I start thinking about relationships, personal responsibilities, who I am as a person, and my future. Over-thinking about all of it does not solve it. It keeps it all in where nothing really gets solved and/or dealt with.

My time walking would be less draining if I did not over-think. All walking should be about is moving legs, arms, and looking around to see where I am going. By me participating in all the various thoughts I am less focused on my body, and everything around me. I do not need to participate in thoughts to move myself. Walking is not the best time to think about my personal responsibilities, relationships, and who I am as a person. Instead all this can be placed in front of me through writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about personal responsibilities, relationships, and who I am as a person when walking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-introspection when I walking

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being without my thoughts is less draining when I walk

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to use the tool of writing to help put the words out so I can see what I need to work on and change about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go walking to think about all my problems, worries, and to self-introspect.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that writing is an effective tool for assisting and supporting me to help solve my problems, stop my worries, and self-introspect on who I am as a person.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that walking without thoughts, problems, and worries will make the time of my walks more satisfactory as I can be with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my walking time is about being with my body

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts when I am walking - I stop and I breathe - I realize that walking is about being with my body, focusing on my surroundings, and getting to my destination

I commit myself to focus on breathing and the movement of my arms and legs when I am walking.




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