Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

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Jamison
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Joined: 27 Jul 2016, 01:20

Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Jamison » 27 Jul 2016, 06:27

I am not sure if I should post this, as I don't know too many people here, but I am testing the waters.

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/



Gian
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Gian » 27 Jul 2016, 19:57

Hi Jamison

This is the correct place for posting the Blog links, I would suggest that you post the blog link, change the heading to the blogs title, and also post the blogs content here, for future blogs. Also, you can with your next blog just come to the same place here and post it again here underneat the first one you posted and continue to do so with all the upcoming ones.

Thank you



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Jamison
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Joined: 27 Jul 2016, 01:20

Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Jamison » 27 Jul 2016, 20:38

I'm attempting something new, for me. My long time friend Tormod has been participating in a group called Desteni, and after meeting other members from it, I was confronted with a challenge to attempt this iterations of self-forgiveness, this is the format used to achieve a better self-honesty, and I do have some things I need to get off my chest and it starts right now with having a negative and pessimistic attitude.

The format is rather simple: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed......

So, to begin this well, in the thesis of negativity, it has a lot to do with my intellect, my brain working against me. Overthinking, over-analyzing, over-controlling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my brain to create a pessimistic world view, and that I have blocked out many possible outcomes for my life and hindered myself from achieving a better quality of life.

It may have always been going on, but, the instance that I began to harbor resentment of others was in college. I had my intelligence mocked, I was manipulated, I had no peers that I could count on. I was involved in a relationship with a megalomaniac that even used my meager attempts at friendship in California as ammunition for my self worth in a society that I never knew much about. Once my intelligence was insulted, I did everything I could to catch up, like it was a race and there was always more to know. I fought and resisted so many forces that could have been good for me, to take over lists of films and books that were prized as the great works of our times. I was precise, going to great lengths to read information about classes I wasn't even in and focusing on critical theory. I wanted a defense, a solid defense, that my background could be made up for and I was just as privileged as the others as long as I took up the slack that separated me from the great wealth and status that some of the other students at this university had. Not only was my intelligence at stake, but my family background, everything. It became a maddening force that I could no longer cope with, so upon meeting new friends that relieved the burden of caring about the university, I met Ted, my life partner and basically ran away, ran across the country, took a plane to Ireland and than a ferry to France. We vowed to never return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to create a biography of me that was only paper value and not who I was truly, that I allowed others to dictate my character or claim what I was capable of and what I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another person to be so persuasive in my worldview and to manipulate and shape my existence that had nothing to do with what I really wanted out of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a university to be so time consuming to my identity and never getting relief from it's troubles or meeting anyone that was good for me to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed depictions of what I did, what my choices were with Ted to affect me so much. I was naive to what I was up to, and my awareness wasn't as it was today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fact that I ran away from my problems and for it to be such a serious consequence in facing them.

Ted, who still lives with me today, has problems, it wasn't clear upon meeting him what they were. Now at this point it is classified as drug and alcohol addiction that he is clear of after much fighting, arguing, and his participation in educational classes about his addiction. It was arduous in dealing with these issues, for they didn't become so glaring until a few years ago, where as before it was forgiven that he could handle himself to a degree. I became controlling, and he became co-dependent on my enabling personality that I have had to correct. Our fights were bitter at times, and it was abusive to have to participate in it. The only thing that was in his favor is the ability to explain and negotiate or compromise to stay above the surface with me. For many people said it was too much to deal with, no ordinary person would put up with this, but I wasn't ordinary, and neither is Ted, and he did recover much to the dismay of others that may only live to desire the failures of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship with an addict that was hellish to put up with at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to take many sides on either party of our relationship and that I had to cope with this while also dealing with my own psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed much of this burden to weigh me down, and to make it poignant that I had slowly developed a negative and pessimistic view of the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at others in darker lights than what they are accustomed to and lived in a paranoid state over who I could trust because of it.

This is the conclusion that I have come to today as I don't know what else to share about myself at this moment in time.

The last iteration is I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my intelligence to deem many things irrelevant or strange including Tormod's investment in this group, and the premise that it is not something I fully understand.

Thank you.



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Kristina
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Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Kristina » 27 Jul 2016, 22:16

Welcome, Jamison!

Cool first step... enjoy the journey, and looking forward to seeing more of you!



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hiram noe hernandez
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Joined: 05 Nov 2012, 21:02

Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 27 Jul 2016, 22:41

I'm looking forwards to see how your process unfolds. I'd say I have to like re-start my process again.



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Jamison
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Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Jamison » 28 Jul 2016, 03:37

Misconception or Persecution - Day Two

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... y-two.html

I wanted to layout some feelings that can be very strong for me. I was diagnosed as schizophrenic a decade ago, and one of the first things I felt was alienation from belonging to society, like a label was going to be a big part of my identity, and the only way that it was so forceful was that I was actually medicated against my will with drugs that nullify most aspects of your general personality. They are capable of being recovered but in my journey and meeting others, it's not for people that aren't proactive or research the insanity of this entire system that claims you are not mentally healthy. There is more aspects to it than this, there is a "dangerous" label associated with schizophrenia, that you have been targeted and removed from most general functions of society and are viewed differently and in different layers, of what other people refer to as a stigma, that is very real, but more pronounced based on your level of functioning. There was this search, like wanting to know what is in your mind, that I even shared, what was in my mind, obviously, that was what was in question, so I'd have to explore some of these experiences that shaped my mind, which are extremely complicated. And again it goes back to an alienation or perception of myself as somehow separated from everyone else, that I was watching them live a life, that technically they were trying to show me as the only way to live. So this multiplied in my relationships with other people and organizations within society that each had their own unique way of expressing dialogue with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a misconception of who I was, a personification of who I was to be made up by others. To be examined without respecting what I remembered of who I used to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwindle inside of a fog and not assert myself during these questioning years of my psyche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my identity to be something that I had to figure out and not who I was, that I had gotten off track from society and couldn't figure out my footing to join it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief in a stigma against me that stunted me from expressing my concern for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed misconceptions to be permitted over my disbelief in myself, that I couldn't compile an adequate position in which to speak from and even, leaving behind or stagnating relationships with my family, simply because there was an overarching label placed on me that I had a lot of difficulty figuring out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be present at crucial moments in the people in my life's lives. That I didn't understand my connection to them, and wasn't capable of offering my best at their grievous moments.

That brings the second part of this into question which I had laid bare before me today by a close friend also suffering from mental illness and not getting the help they needed, or should be receiving in coping with this. With the other part, about what's expected out of you, for at times many of us with mental illness, just like physical illness have been bed bound and sapped of motivation to clean and do all the normal things healthy people may take for granted without knowing how many people truly do suffer. The problem is that it can be seen what a physically disabled person is capable of whereas with mental illness we are capable of talking and moving, it's just not that it's easy, an invisible world is haunting us and preventing us from participating in daily tasks. It was brought to my attention how difficult being supportive of some of my family members is, when it feels like I am on a sickbed and the exertion to snap out of that and be of use and available to others is severely questionable and I would be more content, to be visited as a disabled person. Not to mention they almost tell us that after all this hell we have been through with psychiatry, if you get better you should find a vocation, which would only burden us even more, it wouldn't provide connection, it would be like asking homeless veterans to snap out of it and go into a professional field of duty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be denigrated, and become even more disabled than I was at the start of this. That I pushed others away and made it more difficult for me to be of use to close friends and relatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be of use and available to people I truly cared about but couldn't keep up with in person. That I resorted to being on a sickbed and preferred electronic relationships or phone calls over meeting others in normal places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart in more ways than one, and not keep up with the people around me. That I viewed myself in a way that I should have more visitors for my condition than I in reality did and that I couldn't cope with many aspects of how mental health care is operated.

That is all I can come up with today, these points I am making I can elaborate on, so this is just trying to create a background that I can expand on later to get more intrinsic with some of my real focused problems.

Thank you.



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Carlton
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Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby Carlton » 31 Jul 2016, 01:03

Welcome Jamison



mikelammers
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Re: Hi, I am brand new and I just did day one.

Postby mikelammers » 07 Aug 2017, 09:04

Hi Jamison,

I watched Tormod's video where he clarifies his perspective on walking his process while keeping his 5 minds stable and I just read your post. Tormod's video woke me up in a sense. I realized we are all schizophrenics! The video is a great point of reference for me because I have only one mind to deal with. So I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be when one walks this as a diagnosed schizophrenic (whatever that may be) with more than one mind to deal with. So cool to see you taking this effort for yourself. And for what it's worth, from my perspective and like Tormod said in his video, we all have mental issues of the worse kind. So it's not about the labels that are placed upon us or we place upon ourselves but what we can do to assist ourselves seeing that the Symp-toms are not who we are and to stop the process of associating ourselves with them as the definitions of who we are.

As I see it, we all deal with schizophrenic personalities as our uncontrolled reactions, emotions and feelings we use to cope with our daily reality and other people. I can throw all mental disorders on a pile and see that in some form or another within different levels of severity, they are part of my behaviour and personality as well. It's just labels used by the world to keep everything compartmentalized as part of a control system based on fear. So let me say that what you and Tormod are doing is also supporting me immensely with seeing the schizophrenic I am as well. So thank you for taking the effort of doing this for yourself!




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