Ok, Tormod, I got it. I will post both yesterday and today now.
Physical Reality - Day Six
http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... y-six.html
Today I wanted to be really brief, as I laid out a lot of my issues this week, so I am just looking for a grounding at the moment, a way to live in the moment. In my realization, putting my thoughts into a document has really put into scope grasping my physical reality. Enjoying my physical reality. Learning to breathe and exist in these moments and go outside more often. I can explain that because of schizophrenia and medications the feeling is like this, traveling without real connection to your body or your own feet walking on the ground. It feels like something you have to reclaim or fight for. But why is it a constant struggle, are other people truly dreaming much of the time, that once they are comfortable they wonder within the mind and the peculiarities of the physical world around them changes meanings? I am not exactly sure, I can't say I understand all the people around me or the premise in which they share a reality, because to an extent there is a commonality that we have all agreed upon. So in brief my self-forgiveness is for me to feel freer and to enjoy living spaces, outdoor and in, with less time dreaming of something else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to wonder, to not be in the moment, to get high in my own head without any substances but coffee and cigarettes. That being on the mania spectrum is not enjoyable, that my true freedom is in this grounding to my physical world, to see specific things in my backyard and exercise some self-control that I am here, this is my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream things into existence, that aren't real, to spend much time navigating a dream world that is merely that, it doesn't truly exist and though it may seem symbolic, it's not the reality of my day, it shouldn't dictate my decisions or my ability to go for a walk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in that frenzy, that when I am feeling excited, I have to over-think a bit so I don't lose my footing, don't give up on what's real over what my mind has created, images that I often can't remember the following day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this inner-peace is better upon throwing my mind into a document and seeing it, saying, that is where I was today and I can learn from this, I can do better tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my physical reality to be nullified, that I haven't taken advantage of going outside more often and taking the walks I need to take.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my general fog in my head to prevent me from truly reading other people's posts, that a lot of what I am trying to do now is exit a big cloud and take what I can in seeing my friend's post and helping my older acquaintances out. That I haven't read a lot of material that is suggested to me, that I am waiting for an opportunity to do such, but really it's about me taking that self-control and doing it.
This is from yesterday.
Peace of Mind - Day Five
Got some feedback about my posts, and felt that one of the biggest areas that prevents me from getting into the details of my emotions is having an adequate peace of mind. There is so many things that can derail my peace of mind. Anger at the general state of affairs being the prime example of how I have displaced my local life for a more broader awareness of events that can be triggering. The grounding techniques are not always available to me, but it's also because I have limited myself. I sense paranoia at going into a wilderness area, and instead will watch videos about deforestation, so I have a duality that I have helped produce. Where it's well, I should go for a walk inside a forest before it gets torn down or goes up in flames. There is always this sense that this corporate world is destroying everything and I can't find a balance between my fight and awareness over it, and taking time for myself to understand how my heart and mind need to be balanced or restored. I think the mind is at war with the heart, the ego wants to gain ownership over so many things, instead of humbling oneself to the peace and tranquility that I have once known but have forgotten. The primary reason for my anger is so common, but again I am carrying the flames of that anger and it must be put out, for the same reasons others need to gain awareness over it. As the video I just watched showed, this colonial mega-power is dehumanizing and killing people far removed from this. People that could teach me the lessons to get to the bottom of my heart. Old cultures that didn't lose their worth because we decided it was advantageous to uproot their entire way of life with bombs and explosions. So you see, it's a shared duality, where I am on the "winning" side, I get to enjoy the benefits of not living under this threat, but I am named, in a sense, part of the threat to other people that I feel morally obligated to say should not die. That this is removed from me, but yet it still goes on so I must do more to stop it, instead of merely saying I have washed my hands clean. And what am I doing about it, providing information, being more adapt at sifting through media with broader awareness. And is my position in spreading this information actually causing other people to take it upon themselves to go through it or awaken them. There is so much that I have gone through to the point of finding the trusted sources that explain well, what is going on, but is there so much distortion already that I have limited myself to this, without appealing people to truly understand it's a responsibility that should be taken upon every individual. So drawing all of that back into my space and tranquility, what I can do to bring my focus back to my situation and my balance is going to take time and I realize it's not easy. This is the basis for my self-forgiveness of today, how can I take this big spectrum of what's going on and not feel that it's an emergency, ground myself, bathe in a forest to meditate on my surroundings for clarity and focus to get tuned deeper into my heart and peace of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that a tempest rage be brought up in me at any mention of disruption, human tragedy, disasters and unnecessary death. That I feel this anguish for it to end, that it is tearing me apart that there is few to stand up against it, that I have slowly been pulled under some ideas of accepting it as part of my perpetual background noise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not getting to the root of my problems, brushing over the surface, because I am lacking my attention, my focus. That tranquility seems like it takes effort or can be done in alternative ways when actually I need to take a walk, go into a wilderness area and breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this peace of mind to be stolen from me, that I knew well what it was, but somehow it got lost, it got jumbled up in a massive storm of distortion that society created and I can't ignore it completely to take time for myself, to take a certain amount of effort to change my scenery and meditate on simplicity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed simplicity to not be simple. That I have taken in so many ideas from many spiritual teachers about how to get there that the reality of doing it myself is untangling this mess of slogans for the simple truth that is always inside of the messages I take to heart.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it's going to take time, that I have to say with these writings and with my life there is a process that doesn't happen overnight of gaining back my local life, being in my body and experiencing the life around me as it happens, to breathe without cigarettes the nature of my community or going beyond into the wilderness to take advantage that it's summer, and that when I was a child these discoveries happened all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind and ego to overrule my heart and emotions, that I got out of touch with feeling this and instead took over the role of rationalizing life. That I took these broader events of the world to mean much greater things than how I conduct myself in life, not living by example but merely absorbing information.
I most likely have hit a point where I can go on about this, so, this is a process for me that has opened new possibilities today, each day, because I am putting into focus my life, having this structure and guidance to say things that will help me achieve that tranquility. I have to give myself time for it to fall into place. If I keep at this, I can see it will be fruitful.