James Colby's blog.

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Re: James Colby's blog.

Postby Jamison » 01 Aug 2016, 01:04

Ok, Tormod, I got it. I will post both yesterday and today now.

Physical Reality - Day Six

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... y-six.html

Today I wanted to be really brief, as I laid out a lot of my issues this week, so I am just looking for a grounding at the moment, a way to live in the moment. In my realization, putting my thoughts into a document has really put into scope grasping my physical reality. Enjoying my physical reality. Learning to breathe and exist in these moments and go outside more often. I can explain that because of schizophrenia and medications the feeling is like this, traveling without real connection to your body or your own feet walking on the ground. It feels like something you have to reclaim or fight for. But why is it a constant struggle, are other people truly dreaming much of the time, that once they are comfortable they wonder within the mind and the peculiarities of the physical world around them changes meanings? I am not exactly sure, I can't say I understand all the people around me or the premise in which they share a reality, because to an extent there is a commonality that we have all agreed upon. So in brief my self-forgiveness is for me to feel freer and to enjoy living spaces, outdoor and in, with less time dreaming of something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to wonder, to not be in the moment, to get high in my own head without any substances but coffee and cigarettes. That being on the mania spectrum is not enjoyable, that my true freedom is in this grounding to my physical world, to see specific things in my backyard and exercise some self-control that I am here, this is my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream things into existence, that aren't real, to spend much time navigating a dream world that is merely that, it doesn't truly exist and though it may seem symbolic, it's not the reality of my day, it shouldn't dictate my decisions or my ability to go for a walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in that frenzy, that when I am feeling excited, I have to over-think a bit so I don't lose my footing, don't give up on what's real over what my mind has created, images that I often can't remember the following day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this inner-peace is better upon throwing my mind into a document and seeing it, saying, that is where I was today and I can learn from this, I can do better tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my physical reality to be nullified, that I haven't taken advantage of going outside more often and taking the walks I need to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my general fog in my head to prevent me from truly reading other people's posts, that a lot of what I am trying to do now is exit a big cloud and take what I can in seeing my friend's post and helping my older acquaintances out. That I haven't read a lot of material that is suggested to me, that I am waiting for an opportunity to do such, but really it's about me taking that self-control and doing it.

Thank you.

This is from yesterday.

Peace of Mind - Day Five

Got some feedback about my posts, and felt that one of the biggest areas that prevents me from getting into the details of my emotions is having an adequate peace of mind. There is so many things that can derail my peace of mind. Anger at the general state of affairs being the prime example of how I have displaced my local life for a more broader awareness of events that can be triggering. The grounding techniques are not always available to me, but it's also because I have limited myself. I sense paranoia at going into a wilderness area, and instead will watch videos about deforestation, so I have a duality that I have helped produce. Where it's well, I should go for a walk inside a forest before it gets torn down or goes up in flames. There is always this sense that this corporate world is destroying everything and I can't find a balance between my fight and awareness over it, and taking time for myself to understand how my heart and mind need to be balanced or restored. I think the mind is at war with the heart, the ego wants to gain ownership over so many things, instead of humbling oneself to the peace and tranquility that I have once known but have forgotten. The primary reason for my anger is so common, but again I am carrying the flames of that anger and it must be put out, for the same reasons others need to gain awareness over it. As the video I just watched showed, this colonial mega-power is dehumanizing and killing people far removed from this. People that could teach me the lessons to get to the bottom of my heart. Old cultures that didn't lose their worth because we decided it was advantageous to uproot their entire way of life with bombs and explosions. So you see, it's a shared duality, where I am on the "winning" side, I get to enjoy the benefits of not living under this threat, but I am named, in a sense, part of the threat to other people that I feel morally obligated to say should not die. That this is removed from me, but yet it still goes on so I must do more to stop it, instead of merely saying I have washed my hands clean. And what am I doing about it, providing information, being more adapt at sifting through media with broader awareness. And is my position in spreading this information actually causing other people to take it upon themselves to go through it or awaken them. There is so much that I have gone through to the point of finding the trusted sources that explain well, what is going on, but is there so much distortion already that I have limited myself to this, without appealing people to truly understand it's a responsibility that should be taken upon every individual. So drawing all of that back into my space and tranquility, what I can do to bring my focus back to my situation and my balance is going to take time and I realize it's not easy. This is the basis for my self-forgiveness of today, how can I take this big spectrum of what's going on and not feel that it's an emergency, ground myself, bathe in a forest to meditate on my surroundings for clarity and focus to get tuned deeper into my heart and peace of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that a tempest rage be brought up in me at any mention of disruption, human tragedy, disasters and unnecessary death. That I feel this anguish for it to end, that it is tearing me apart that there is few to stand up against it, that I have slowly been pulled under some ideas of accepting it as part of my perpetual background noise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not getting to the root of my problems, brushing over the surface, because I am lacking my attention, my focus. That tranquility seems like it takes effort or can be done in alternative ways when actually I need to take a walk, go into a wilderness area and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this peace of mind to be stolen from me, that I knew well what it was, but somehow it got lost, it got jumbled up in a massive storm of distortion that society created and I can't ignore it completely to take time for myself, to take a certain amount of effort to change my scenery and meditate on simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed simplicity to not be simple. That I have taken in so many ideas from many spiritual teachers about how to get there that the reality of doing it myself is untangling this mess of slogans for the simple truth that is always inside of the messages I take to heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that it's going to take time, that I have to say with these writings and with my life there is a process that doesn't happen overnight of gaining back my local life, being in my body and experiencing the life around me as it happens, to breathe without cigarettes the nature of my community or going beyond into the wilderness to take advantage that it's summer, and that when I was a child these discoveries happened all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind and ego to overrule my heart and emotions, that I got out of touch with feeling this and instead took over the role of rationalizing life. That I took these broader events of the world to mean much greater things than how I conduct myself in life, not living by example but merely absorbing information.

I most likely have hit a point where I can go on about this, so, this is a process for me that has opened new possibilities today, each day, because I am putting into focus my life, having this structure and guidance to say things that will help me achieve that tranquility. I have to give myself time for it to fall into place. If I keep at this, I can see it will be fruitful.

Thank you.

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Re: James Colby's blog.

Postby Jamison » 02 Aug 2016, 04:27

Non-Sexual Adulthood - Day Seven

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... seven.html

This has been on my mind, that there comes a point in being an observer of life the truth about sexual contact is diminished to distancing oneself to the bigger picture, understanding that attraction intellectually is preferable to blind lust for another, as that lust is merely for connection to those very sources of intellectual fervor. This is one of those giant problems in society and in the individual's mind. It consumes many matters in life from puberty until an equilibrium is reached in adulthood. There is merely too much going on intellectually to divorce myself from in order to chase after matters of the flesh. The point being it's not rewarding, there is a warmer love in life that isn't part of this, that is subtle and requires thought and connection on a higher spiritual plane that the concept of meshing so many boundaries, breaking a strict code of conduct for sexual contact is an error. There is so many matters that weigh heavily on those who make it to adulthood, that make understanding this concept so much easier. That intimacy is to gain closure with a connection to a host of intellectual sources and that this gratification is highly temporary and full of vulnerabilities, that the true person I am, doesn't come out of the closet in this way. The person that I am comes out in my thoughts and actions. I don't say this is it, that's the only way to think, but from experience, I too am vulnerable to repeating this, that I may some day in the future lose self-control and attempt this again, for any number of reasons. I am not immune. It is cast as sin, in the biblical sense, but in my sense as an effort I am unwilling to compromise my mind for. These are the matters that bring young men and women to Catholic confessionals or to a life devoted to God. That they are clearly wrong, something biologically is tormenting them and that obviously Christianity is clear in that message that I must overcome this, the members of my body must all act in accordance with the will of God and until then, I am offensive to him. It's the same as setting goals for exercise to lose weight, I am not socially acceptable unless I get to be thin through endurance and determination. Are the people around me willing to do that, for I know I am not willing to endure a series of exercises on a daily basis to achieve a better look. But what I can do, and what most likely the easiest answer is, is to see the problem within myself and stop my desires by knowing the simple truth, that attraction to me is for my mind and I am not a vampire, to give into indulgences of the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to go on for so long, that I have made commitments before and broke them. That there is so much distortion in society to get to an answer. That this is personal for every individual and my closure may not be what others think about the issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in youth to engage in this behavior, that I didn't lay out an objective and say I will master this in so many years through endurance just as if I had a goal for the gym, to lay it out, and become the master of my body within so much time, that determination is what I lacked, and I forgive myself for not having the clear focus and endurance before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ideas in society to determine or aid me in my own sin, as comparisons and reasons to not always seek perfection or diligence in my ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this may not be the full answer, that there is much to learn and I can't stagnate over the reasons I screwed up before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that the answers by elders over these issues weren't taken to heart, that I had a wild mind that I could create my own system, my own religion, my own governance that was better, that I could be a source for others to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be on offense, that separated me from God, separated me from a clearer consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this truth to be distorted in me, just as the rest of society, weighing all these matters and not getting to the root of who I am on the individual level. That these issues are mine alone and that others can work out what they must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be a hindrance and confusion. That I am loved for who I am by so many people, that I must respect that and keep this on the down-low that I have dealt with this, that I have screwed up and am imperfect, that I can't guarantee it won't happen again, and that I must always accept myself as imperfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others to influence my behaviors and conception of this, and that I also must exercise sensitive care with this matter, to anyone that may ask it of me. It's not so simple, and is probably one of the greatest problems within society, that once again goes down to me as an individual, that I can say it stopped within me and that it's not an overnight project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I counted myself as separate or that I had an exceptional clause because my mind had a lot on it's plate. So many reasons that I can't even get to at the moment. That this is one issue that allows me to delve into my deeper and more personal problems.

Thank you.

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Re: James Colby's blog.

Postby Jamison » 07 Aug 2016, 02:57

Medicated - Day Eight

In this post, I will tell you that I have been in a war over treatment of a condition no one can truly prove, and that understanding that I could choose an alternative route, my mentality, my mood and functionality have mutated with the substances I was given by doctors that at this moment I can say provided a crutch that I can't live without unless better technology figured out a new way. These wars you wouldn't have to think about the pros and cons over it without being diagnosed, or in some way, against your will even, being put on these medications. I have had to remove some people from Facebook as almost a source of constant criticism over the fact that I took them, and the realization that just like people are allergic to an antibiotic, there are people that have severe and horrific reactions to mood stabilizing drugs. There is no clear answer for not only is there stigma, there is systemic issues regarding patients, that are taken advantage of by negative leaders as though a polarity was created between life and death. That I have to fight these heavy moods in me on a daily basis to affirm myself as living and qualified to be me. Not only do people who aren't related to someone with these conditions not know much about it, the general population is left out of the loop. The world of psychiatry is an immense maze that few people are fully conscious of, that impacts everyone, even to be used as marketing propaganda for things as benign as products for a newborn infant. I must forgive myself that I take these medications, as almost like a weakness to some.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to be such a huge problem and question for myself. That I was significantly altered permanently by these medications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger and hostility to rise up in me as the prescribers of these medications didn't fully get the pain and anguish I was going through. That I harbored resentment against them and against the condition itself, that I needed these medications that are so strong, part of my emotional awareness simply died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that too much time went by for me to realize these are the new cards I have to deal with and I can't romanticize about how life was before because I can't exactly put together what others are experiencing and if it's that much different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I had envy for the life around me, that other people were experiencing a greater simplicity than me, that I wish I could do, wish I could be ignorant of this, and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that this new realm of psychiatry was so complex, I wasted time by not researching at the appropriate times, that I have done so much research into so many other areas of social life, and that I realize that in the end it paid off. I know the games being played on society and I am far removed from being distracted or hypnotized by things a lot of people consider normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed strange "fr-enemies" to constantly criticize me over the medications in ever more artful and creative ways. That these gurus didn't know what they were dealing with fully and that I would never act like them to anyone with mental illness understanding full well how sensitive the issue is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed doctors, trained professionals, to dehumanize me, to take away civil rights, to do things that people that know nothing about this can't even fathom the abuses that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be critical of my own condition, that I have weighed pros and cons, gone off and on medications in so many experiments, only to realize that I have basically mutated to needing these substances for focus and functionality. That I can't just toss them away, and that they aren't easy to deal with. Like hearing it's a matter of strength, that I am not masculine enough because I am addicted to pills, wherein fact those people really need to read about before saying anything about them.

Thank you.

Dull - Day Nine

I've had a delay in composing these blogs, for a few reasons, one being that I didn't know what direction I was going with this, the other being that I have to nitpick through my bigger issues and break it down into daily ideas, and the other reason was that a lot went on this week which to me centered around my control and lack thereof. My partner is participating in a group and it didn't go as planned, the group never existed and it seems they are just starting this idea, so the agency that is providing drug and alcohol counseling just didn't have their stuff together which ended up with me getting overly invested in making phone calls for next week. To make sure it happens. The good news is my partner has been sober this whole time and is looking forward to the group instead of feeling that I forced it on him. There has been a release of a lot of negativity in the household and that is pretty good for my peace of mind. The idea to do this daily, is basically getting to be a thing I should do, but also it would probably make for some boring and mundane thoughts and feelings that I don't usually think of broadcasting. Also with the direction of my writings, I don't know enough about Desteni to say what I am up to and if I am following any real guidelines. Even now I am pretty doubtful that I grasp what I am doing here.

Instead of asking self-forgiveness today and I am going to say I am grateful for the peace we have reached in my household and that I am determined to know more about what I am doing with this, what direction I should go, what I should read up on.

Please let me know because I am pretty confused right now and just am feeling intellectually dull about putting personal thoughts and feelings on paper.

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... -nine.html

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Re: James Colby's blog.

Postby viktor » 07 Aug 2016, 20:25

Hi Jamison,

The purpose of writing yourself to freedom is to put our thoughts before us, make them visible on a piece of paper, or a screen, because then, we are able to see what we are doing within ourselves, which is the first step to self-change. So, your writings are not for anyone else to measure, they are for yourself, and an important part in your process of self-realization – hence do not compare – rather be honest with yourself and look at whether you are writing about things that are important to YOU. I have many times made the mistake of trying to write interesting blogs. However, it fails every time, because as soon as I alter my writings to suit someone else, I loose my self-expression, and then my writings becomes meaningless, as they are not anymore about ME, and developing my relationship with myself, but about being accepted by others.

Thus, remind yourself that you are writing for yourself, and that only you are able to judge yourself. And, then, if you are looking for more concrete examples of how to structure your writings, how to practically open up topics, and mind patterns, then I suggest that you read some of the various 7 year journey to life blogs that you are able to find here on the forum.

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Re: James Colby's blog.

Postby Jamison » 08 Aug 2016, 00:46

I got back on track. I think I am a bit hardwired for some things, so hopefully by keeping this going I can pinpoint it.

Thank you Viktor.

My Resistance - Day Ten

http://jamescolbysjourneytolife.blogspo ... y-ten.html

I went through several lessons in the DIP Lite, as it was stating some of the same things I have been dealing with in compiling a daily blog, the resistance. I haven't got out a pen and paper to truly analyze my inner world, but the computer does a good enough job I could say. Where you can edit and perfect what you are saying about yourself. If I am to get to the root of this resistance, it has several points to it, and one important one being is this interesting, do people really care about this, would I get any feedback that could be helpful in the future. I think many people that have seen my blogs could be amazed that I tossed that out of my psyche into a blog without much thoughts in doing such, it just came naturally as I have been working on self-improvement many years, so a lot of topics about relationships and all this are definitely not foreign to me, I am not naive about basically psychotherapy. I have been involved with it a long time to learn about some very specific things like triggers to enabling and codependency. The idea that was presented to me in writing these thoughts on paper, is hard, like the physical act is not common for me. I know my keyboard more than I do a pen, it has been years since specifically using pen and paper more than a computer. One of the key things I need to focus on is slowing down. My brain has a habit of spinning at great speeds that it is hard to materialize into a solid foundation. There always seems to be things I am chasing but I don't know where it has got me. So today, I am focusing on slowing down my thought processes and also that I am up against a personal resistance, like maybe that is TMI, maybe it's not interesting, if I state that have I given up on what I was previously up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get swept up, to not ground myself and to overthink about my situation. That the voices I hear in my head are triggering and I don't need to do anything to feed them in destabilizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I give up on a lot of things, even when I have the time on my hands to achieve better for myself. That I don't take a breath and really meditate on some important issues to get more intimate with my inner world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I do have serious resistance, that it's difficult to find my time for this and that it's a bit of procrastination. That this is actually one thing that is helping me, much better than psychotherapy because I am applying my situation into documents, and that eventually I need to grab a pen and paper and just review this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I have limited my time in a day. I feel in the summer, in hot temperatures there is a lot less hours in one day. I can't explain it precisely but in general the heat zaps me of focus, it frays my thoughts and I spend a lot of time figuring out how to not get upset or irritated at situations that really don't bother me at other times of the year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that I went head first into territory I didn't read, that reading certain things was exhausting and therefore all things are exhausting. I think in that fatigue you really get behind in keeping up with daily life and taking time for yourself.

Thank you.

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