Rant and SF

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William
Posts: 171
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 00:19
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Rant and SF

Postby William » 21 Nov 2016, 05:21

Ranting

Am I able to move forward without dealing with the issues? The issues being my uncertainty, or more specifically in this case, my insecurity and lack of confidence. Why do I have a lack of confidence? Things have caused me to question myself, in what I have created myself as, where on one side I see that I made a number of sacrifices in order to give myself the opportunity to realize the truth of myself in this reality, and on the other, I see how I have sabotaged myself in order to do so. At the same time, I am acutely aware of many missed opportunities and potential, which has added to the stress of the situation.

I do not wish to gripe about my current state of affairs, I have allowed myself to be controlled by the fear that seeing as I have screwed up my own life quite thoroughly, perhaps my perception of myself is skewed far more than I thought, hence the question... Am I screwing things up more than I am helping and supporting? Whatever the case, I am aware of my inability to assess things on multiple levels. While I often think to myself 'this would be supportive' I have a tendency to not see all of the potential playouts, and when I miss something that should have been obvious, I feel awful about it. Not to mention that it is very easy to stumble when one is pushing oneself to do as much as possible and thus prone to over-extending and errors in judgment. I realize that this is part of my programming, which can lead to rash and inconsistent decision making.

In seeing this, despite all of the support I have been given, one can have a tendency to believe that there is no recourse, at least in the short term. Thus my solution to the problem was to withdraw so as to 'limit the damage' I have already done to myself and others. Obviously there is self-compromise in this, yet I did not see that at the time. As time went on, that became an issue which compounded significantly, essentially locking myself out from giving myself the ability to move forward and make necessary corrections. I felt as though I had bullied my way into a position which was ultimately ineffective.

There were other issues which brought into question my perception of myself, which I also did not see a solution to. Support would have been helpful, but I was too upset with myself to ask at the time, finances are stressed, and the fact that I did not see the possibility of a solution at the time. It seemed to be too much all at once. I was trying to protect everyone from myself, and my shame, which ultimately is to no avail.

I didn't want to be a leech. I guess I was reluctant to post my problems within asking for support, as I felt it was a point of conflict which I did not want to engage. Sometimes I just don't see the simple solution.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think better of myself because I made sacrifices in order to give myself the opportunity to realize the truth of myself and this reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a lack of confidence signifies that there is a deeper issue which needs to be investigated, written out, and corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that I have missed tremendous opportunities and potentials in my life as an excuse to bully myself into submission, suppression, and non-participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear/suspicion, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I have thoroughly screwed up my life. Also within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to the belief that there is no solution to the problem.

In that belief (no solution), I realize I have trusted my programming, and not actually trusted the solution that is here as myself doing what is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my programming rather than trust the solution that is here as me doing what is required to be done.

Within that, there is a subtle belief that the solution is ineffective and not really the solution, but that the solution will betray me (belief), or enslave me (belief), or make a fool of me (belief), or make me do more and more work for nothing (belief), because of how I have perceived myself in the past (projection), additionally, that the solution requires me to work on myself in self-investigation in order to work out the problem (justification).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution is ineffective and not really the solution, or that the solution will betray me, enslave me, make a fool of me, or make me do more and more work for nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the perception of myself as a failure, a screw up, and a fool, and within that, using that perception as justification to berate, suppress, and give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can escape consequence within a projected idea based on my past, and so allowing abdication and suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the feeling of feeling awful as an excuse to try to avoid facing the issues when I see an oversight or mistake within myself. I realize that mistakes are an opportunity to realize and correct myself rather than condemn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself and over-extend my physical limitations within the idea that I can do more than what I am capable of doing, as what is my responsibility to myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rash and foolhardy in my decision making.

I commit myself to slow myself down and make effort to foresee all possible play-outs to the best of my ability before making decisions. Within that I commit myself to forgive myself for errors in judgment, as all is not foreseeable at this point in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no recourse, when I can do self forgiveness at any time to correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all of this work is for nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the same mistakes over and over again, and in so believe that I will continue to make the same mistakes on into eternity without ever changing.



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Anna
Posts: 3721
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
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Re: Rant and SF

Postby Anna » 21 Nov 2016, 15:50

Hi William!

Great to see you again.




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