I see within my self and walking this process and learning about it.. Having the answers doesn't change me. For instance, i'm aware the mind is the problem.. i'm aware of what I can do to help my self.. i've got my tools and these perspectives which remove all possible justification, excuses, exceptions, and ability for me/my mind to escape responsibility. I am narrowed down and pointed out, the choice here in that moment is to either deny and reject and be silent OR stand up and accept and voice myself. And here I am, hi! I choose to stand up and accept this narrowing-down of self honesty within me and be appointed my self responsibility through all the points pointing self(me) out. And I prepared for this experience, I built my self for a return. However, that doesn't just do it for me and finish all my problems. On the contrary, it's almost like a wave of more shit is incoming. In coming back to face my self here within the group, within a more active participation in this process, I notice i'm more disturbed or maybe so much more aware of all the disturbances in my mind. The perspectives and my recall of the material i've gone through doesn't resolve me or settle my emotionally charged reactions. I feel more highlighted within myself, like being here i've started marking my internal reality with my awareness of self within process.. (these are just the words I have to understand what i'm experiencing and looking to communicate, I don't really know what the hell is going on most of the time). My point here within being exposed to the nature of what REALLY goes on within us as human beings is that I don't find that it changes anything for me for real, but it triggers all sorts of MAJOR and subtle points in me.. some cruel, nastiness in me- even though I WANT TO AND MUST DO THIS. I'm potently unsettled by me having or holding onto an emotion, I have more knee-jerk, moral judgment towards my own thinking, putting my self down for behaviors and habits, and less seems to actually be "okay" with me..
So, what can be said about this?
I know what I have here between the forums, eqafe, DIP, my buddy, and all the tools - that I should be "fine" ... but actually I am ONLY "fine" within myself if i'm applying my self every moment. Which, let's be real, i'm not going to be that effective anytime soon so how can I be "fine". And although this process has self forgiveness at the core, I am NOT feeling more forgiving of my self, especially when I miss many moments to apply my self. Like what gives? I am here in one of the most understanding, forgiving, helpful, stable, insightful, and real places I know of and I am triggered into the most frustrating, judgmental, emotional, fearful, and unstable behaviors in me. What the fuck, right? Seriously, that doesn't make sense to me and I just want it to stop. My only way to stop it is of course, self forgiveness? I want something else to help with this, because I cannot and will not at this point in my self be applying self forgiveness 24/7.. My relationship with self-forgiveness is going to take some time.
I am going to be a better person and I end up shittier in the process!
It's like I have attached a judgmental lens to see the contents of my mind now,
a lens I create from all that i'm making up from this process and the material.
I realize I can NOT write everything I just did and NOT make these word choices which further perpetuate my experience.
I can do/say something else as I live my words, I can create something else..
but this is ugly self-reflection that I don't want to walk alone and have no one else to reference HOW to get the fuck out of this.
QUESTIONS FOR ANY YOU:
Is this how it is for others, or am I struggling to be stable within this "new" reality?
Where is your "equilibrium" in this process?
How do you walk in awareness of all this shit and not be crushed by the weight?
Am I simply having my true nature exposed to me in facing this and did I not know I was such a brutal, evil, unforgiving fuck towards my self until facing what is here?
What is well-being, specifically emotional well-being, look like within this for you?
What am I missing about my self and what can I see about my self within where I am at to not live so disturbed by what i'm facing existentially?
I want to clarify I am not saying that I am a complete mess or anything, because I can see how I sound within reading my writing.
I am not in a major SOS, I keep a steady job and can be quite reliable... but this is what is happening within me that I am not able to communicate much about with others. On the outside one thing, on the inside another.
NOW, I will apply my self within what structure and tools I have been given by you wonderfully spooky people.
Identifying dominant charge: NEGATIVE
Identifying emotions and feelings, dominant ones in caps:
FRUSTRATION, intensity, misery, tense, fear, DREAD, CONFUSED, SINCERE, unfortunate, LANGUISH, INADEQUATE
QUESTIONS FOR ME:
1. Where is my equilibrium in this?
2. How do I remain balanced in this process?
3. What can I do to resolve my stress triggered in me from the consistent revelation of my lack?
4. Why am I so resistant to a more forgiving approach and attitude towards my perceived failure?
5. What is behind this entire experience that I am communicating to my self?
6. What was so different about just before this time in my life that I was able to walk and now with MORE SUPPORT, MORE AWARENESS, MORE TOOLS, MORE GIFTS.. all of sudden I walk LESS EFFECTIVELY?
7. Why did I all of a sudden seemingly start struggling in my application of my self once I was given MORE TO WORK WITH?
1 and 2. My equilibrium is within me consistently applying my self as a force of equality in my life to equalize all the shit within me and come to a balanced way of living. My equilibrium is my responsibility and nothing can balance me as effectively as I can. In fact I have been balancing my self in separation, always seeking someone or something else to do the work - but it was still me "selecting", accepting and allowing things/beings to balance me based on some belief about what will help balance me.
3. Stop stacking everything about me that I discover and don't like against me. Why does everything about my condition as a human body and a mind have to be so personal? Why do I take up what is happening within me so strongly as a reason to pin my self against a wall and demand answers from? I can stop blaming my self for everything and furiously expecting my self to be accountable for things I cannot make heads or tails of..or even remotely put together as a total picture and understanding. I can just let this go and realize that what's happened IS my responsibility, but I have yet to even really understand what that means because I don't know the part I played in this or the part I will play in this. I am STILL just understanding and my time to do more will come when I am in a place to do the more that I want to enact.
4. Because of my want to apply myself within the potentials I see within me as what is here as my mind. Because I use forgiveness as a way to make my self an exception, to excuse my self from the hard work, to justify why I am better now - and never getting to the actual living change. Because one side of forgiving my self is when I slip up in dishonesty or ego and abuse this tool which I find wretched. I want my self to correct the problem, fix the issue, and see forgiveness as making me care less about my transgressions in life - 'because here, you're free!' And then what? That pattern is not guaranteed change.. I want forgiveness to have a strong relationship to actual movement and commitment to change- not some careless freedom. I don't want to forget when I forgive. When I am forgiving, I overlook this shit. Maybe there is another way but I must see it for my self and will not be neglecting the inspection. I have so much to learn and so much trust to be built.. I can be patient while I learn to REALLY forgive.
5. Some points within me have to come out and be dealt with as they compromise my ability to walk - they are like severe cramps and nearly incapacitating issues with some of the principles and perspectives that I must resolve as these principles and perspectives are required for me to walk effectively. I have no walked these points before but I am exercising a resilience to whatever I am facing. I need help and have to structure and outline all of these points more effectively to clear the way before me, otherwise I am going to be fucked in the thickets and capitulate to the forces within me that I seek to change and redirect.
6. When I was walking effectively without Desteni and this structured process is because I called every shot.. I was calling and summoning everything of support to me within my application. I was living my life within a very deliberate, self-only focus and wasn't seeing any other possible point from which to source my direction for my self but me. I didn't go to any one or any thing and trusted what I could learn from my self as long as I paid attention constantly and listened. I wasn't perfect or anything in what I was doing but I had confidence, stability, strength, power, and firm resolve to move towards my goals and create my self for my self and my life. Coming back to Desteni I started looking to others and their creations, all the material, and started reflecting on everything I am doing and have done.. knowing I had pushed my self to develop this point of return... and it is now like my world isn't mine and I don't get to decide how to see my self, what is going on, or anything. I have been aware of my own interpretations and the err in my mind and humanity.. I have been here before, have been shocked by the reality presented here before, and I took what I got from here to eventually come back here. And here I am, I somehow got back... but what stands and remains since I have shocked my self with my return this time? I have a different stance than before, i'm able to see what's coming up within me again that is reminiscent of my first encounter, and i'm having to reorient my self within this because I am tested and destabilized by what i'm facing. I am finding my feet and seeing if what I was doing for myself just before this is helping or can help me. Doing this is different than doing what I was doing alone because I have so much more to consider and reference... and within all this stuff available to me i'm having to check my self so much more closely because of everything I have not considered or looked at for my self.. so can I handle the peer review? I will have my self honesty and awareness checked, double checked, and triple checked so much faster in having to face my self within a group. I will have to consider what is shared by others who have walked and seen and know and are aware of so much more than I have and am at the moment. My ego won't be able to hang on and I will have it cornered. I am maybe not less effective here, but more aware of how effective I am and being shown how much more effective I /can be/. I just FEEL WORSE ABOUT MY PROGRESS because of the awareness of SO MUCH MORE. I am reacting to my newly perceived superior ways of others. I am doubting my own ability because there is more on the table now, more responsibility being revealed to me, more due dilligence I can apply, more research I have to do, more self-investigation I have to go into to see for my self if my starting point is in good standing.. and so much MORE.
7. Because I was comfortable with the work load I was giving my self, I was comfortable with the approach I had to what I was doing, I was happy with seeing my success and progress that I was measuring through the proportions of my goals at the time. I wasn't incorporating SF, I wasn't incorporating self committment and self realization statements, I wasn't applying reflection on my self corrections or self commitments.. I wasn't measuring many things at once and applying two handfuls of points and demanding results from my self for all of them. I was only working with writing definitions of words I was interested in, asking my self questions about living those words, and reflecting on the definitions that came out of me... and I was really only using a small handful of words and working with creating so many habits like better sleeping, better eating, practicing a direct, honest socialization with women and friends.. and working while breathing and writing any moment I had time. Now I have new tools, new information, new things to dive into, new people to follow and learn from.. new things to read.. new commitments I am realizing.. and I am stressing out over it because this stuff means a lot to me yet I am not yet able to apply myself fully the way I would like to in everything. I won't give up but this is the difficult reflection of a repeating cycle that is showing me the sort of journey i'm having to go through.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to react to walking with Desteni, applying the principles and tools, and seeing my self as my mind from the perspectives shared with me through the material and videos.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change up the cool-headed, calm, straight-forward, and honest approach I have been living and applying to my self leading up to my renewed engagement in Desteni... what I have been doing within my self as my mind and within my life as physical actions has been effective and supportive to me..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I have to begin changing my whole entire way of existence immediately because of the new information and knowledge that is shared with me that changes things for me and disrupts my ways internally, where I have to investigate and look into what is being shared with me to cross reference everything on my own... Wait what the fuck do I mean?
I mean I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to experience so much turmoil and dissonance within me because I am starting to question what I am doing or what I am here for and why I am doing what I am doing.... and i'm reacting to my own investigation or questioning of my self... when I should just realize the significance of the information and knowledge being shared with me and be patient with my self in how I handle the information and knowledge - because I am not going to make a complete overhaul change of my self in one night that aligns with the information and knowledge I am already accepting as true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept all the information and knowledge I have discovered and re-discovered here at Desteni as is without seeing how it applies to my life or how to apply it to my life first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be feeling disheveled by what I discover within my self through participation in process and Desteni because I have not sorted it all out within my self as my self and this is going to take some time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up for how I am applying myself or how I am not applying myself within processs and Desteni because I am driving my self crazy with all the information and knowledge about how to apply my self or when to apply myself and I really am just not applying it as it is being presented to me.. i'm learning it however it is unfolding for me in my life and my mind and i'm having to put it in those understandings for my self even though I can see what is being said to me.. I am the one that have to give it the importance, the space in my life, and the timing in my life and not just having others show me where and when to place my self into application with this tool or that principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear applying my self within a group and within a structure and focus that isn't entirely my own, that includes other people and consideration of others, that includes applying myself within principles I do not quite understand or feel comfortable with.. that includes work that makes me uncomfortable and annoyed..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying my self before others and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself within the words that others share, like I don't want to give up my self because I value what everyone here thinks more than what I see and my ability to understand for my self who I am within my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what I have found here more than I value my self and not see for my self where I am at in my own eyes, upon my own self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel frustrated about what I am experiencing here because I don't exactly know what the fuck is being triggered in me that I wasn't able to deal with being here last time, I wasn't able to handle the information and knowledge or the perspectives without basically losing my shit internally and having to go figure it out by my self in the world outside of Desteni.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be losing my mind and forgetting the importance of my self honesty within this in "figuring my self out" within the material and the tools and the principles and everything else here at Desteni.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Desteni because this is where I found all of this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my self within my reactions to what I have found here at Desteni.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out on my frustrations and anger and terrible misunderstandings towards my self for not "getting it" - for not understanding all of this and falling into a pitiful pit of sad diSADisfaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I cannot walk with Desteni or walk process very much because of how disempowered and angry I feel towards myself within these reactions to the information and knowledge that is here and that I find very uncomfortable, disheartening, overwhelming, and massive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold my honesty in relationship to Desteni, to withhold my self honesty in relationship to Desteni, about how hard this has been for me to finally get here and walk in any shape or form with the group or within DIP.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not disclose how incredibly difficult this all actually sounds to me, despite knowing that it isn't once I start applying consistently, despite all the useful knowledge and information here... this isn't the answer. This isn't the solution for me. I have to be and live and apply... and that is why this looks and sounds so incredibly difficult as I have never ever done this before and there's nothing else out there I have encountered that even holds a candle light to this challenge I face here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I see here that I have barely began to actually describe in writing to my self or anyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not express EVERYTHING I SEE HERE IN WRITING SO AS TO GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN, otherwise it will attack me again and overcome me.. I have to deal with my monsters in my mind here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back to the way things just were where I was applying my self within less, where my structure's demands were less than what I am facing here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate within facing what is here as Desteni, the material, process, and the principles.. where I feel so small and stupid and like nothing I do is enough to hit the mark.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel timid and unable to show that I can do this to anyone here, to feel like I can't even prove to myself that I can do it because I practically feel like crying, running away, or grabbing at the ground as I try to drag my self to the table to sit here and do what I need to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become something I cannot believe in or trust, just a sad, desperate, fearful, weakling that hides like a coward when faced with the actual work I have to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I have no idea how to resolve these really blinding feelings, this helplessness.. where I don't know what to do except just.... barely walk sometimes.. wait for clarity.. wait for my opportunity.. because all I can see are the smallest moments that I am actually confident in moving my self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to walk and trust this process and this structure...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my self fall.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trace my writings correctly backwards to the beginning within writing my self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply my self when ever I can and become built up to the point I don't even trust my application because it is happening in a moment I am overwhelmed and therefore shows the fucking nature of my application is not self honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset about my application not looking the way I want it to, for the idea or goal I had to not be coming through the way I wanted it to.
This self forgiveness is not helping so I am letting it go and moving on, I am actually more within a reaction after writing it.
I realize I have to keep applying myself even if I feel like it is banging my head against a wall over and over.
I realize I have to try, try, try again even though I know the proper steps and discipline in which this would be successful.
I realize I am not effectively applying myself because I am within my mind and I am not fully present or here when doing this.
I realize I am showing my self so much work to be done and that I have to come up with a way that this won't totally fuck with me like it has been, because I work even less as I have accumulated more information and knowledge surrounding the work I have to do on my self.
I realize that I cannot handle everything at once and that I cannot take on the entire scope of this process or the material in one bite, so I have to find what the fuck is my focus for right now and be satisfied with just that, otherwise i'm going to be a mess.. mentally.. emotionally.. and in how i'm living my life in the physical.
I realize I will never get to anything if I don't find a way to get my head on straight and help my self face my self within Desteni without this weird reaction that makes me want to SPAZ OUT like i'm just getting a massive BURST of RAGE.
I realize at a certain point I have to say fuck this, fuck what everyone else here is doing, and focus on my needs.. my self support.. and if I cannot find a stable, calm, support here within my self facing everything here - I have to say, OKAY.. SO WHAT DO I NEED TO FUCKING DO?
When and as I see myself running through all sorts of reactions and mental bullshit towards what I face here, I stop and I breathe. I look at how much can I practically learn from here day by day... and see if it is all too much for me.. if I have to take JUST ONE POINT FROM HERE FOR THE DAY... NO MATTER HOW MANY POINTS I WANT TO WORK ON.. AND /JUST WORK WITH THAT/.
I commit myself to finding a practical way to support myself within Desteni and what I face here as the material, the process, and the principles... and to do this on my own time.
I commit myself to figure out how I need to walk this, how I can walk this on my own, and how I can walk this also here without all the discordant, disharmonious shit going on inside me...
I commit myself to investigate everything here in my own terms and explain this all to myself, to ask more questions about what I don't understand, even if it is just a simple word... and to share what I don't fucking understand that is causing me so much frustration.
I commit myself to stopping these reactions within me and seeing what they are all about, what the message is behind them, and communicate that all as clearly and self honestly as possible.. out in the open.. for others to see and support me with... and for me to have the best, most honest, and simple ground to stand upon - my REAL experience of Desteni, the material, the process, and the principles!! WHICH IS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT OR WHY I AM STRUGGLING WHEN I DO SEE "ENOUGH" OF WHAT IS BEING SHARED TO "GET IT".
I commit myself to put everything in my own words so that I start to feel all of this as if it is my own, so that I can see this all within me as my words... and then to share these things in my words... to gain support, cross reference, and have greater understanding.
I commit myself to be accountable to my self when I see that I am only having problems because I am not applying my self.
I commit myself to do what I can and all that I know how to here and to then ask for help when I see that I have done all that I can, because if the problem is i'm just not doing all that I can.. then it is my responsibility.
I commit myself to see what it really is that I can do at the moment, what is the "all" that I can do, so that I don't go on not asking for help simply because I believe I can do SOOOOO much more when maybe I can't.